Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Namaste

Namaste

I bow to the divine spark in you

This is what this beautiful and commonly used buddhist greeting means.
It spoke to me as i read it today on the beach as i realized that is how i am feeling about my daughter so far on this vacation: i am discovering and appreciating her divine and unique spark as we get deeper and deeper into our trip together

I see it in the way she wants me to carry her like a baby in my arms in the pool, or how she is discovering the beauty and the power of her female beauty; the way she allowed me into her heart and soul when we had a giggle fit over me  trying to close the blinds before bed trying not to leave any cracks, ort he way she scarfs down all the delicious frosted coffees here as if she is even allowed coffee yet. I discover her in the way that she needs me to love her unconditionally and always , even as she self destructs and sabotages great moments and i see her needing me to use all the patience and courage i can muster up in absolute abundance during her coming of age period.

I see her spark as we swing our hips in latin dance and tighten our abs in the outdoor fitness palapa and share a special smile. She cuddles up on the bali bed near the ocean watching our show and i feel like i have won the lottery

I am learning to nuture her in her own divine spark and she is learning to let me . I feel like today i have learnt her dance ... And i have seen  my daughter in her natural and often difficult glory.

There are problems at the hotel. There are  possible sinus infections and sore sore spines. We cant  snuggle in bed last night as i would have wanted to as i forgot she wears a rigid brace so i had to snuggle her knee instead . She brought tears of frustration and hurt to my eyes at the dinner table last night and made me feel sad and angry this morning.
I feel alientation and lonliness often around her that i need to fend off and focus on not letting in to those ever so regular fears and feelings

I have to be tolerant and patient and stop wishing she was more kind
I have to hang on and know that it is fully my job to make it better and fully my responsibility as her parent to stay close eventhough most of the time she does her best to push me away

I am having a hard time focusing on getting any work here or any texts or  sticking  to any excercise schedule . I seem not to care if it poured rain all day or if a big contract got canclled for june .
I lost my favorite book i was in the middle of
Wifi does not work in the room
Who really cares?



I am fully focused on and fascinated by one  thing only : bowing to the divine light that is my daughter. Soaking her in ; being present; understanding her and discovering her in a way that seems inaccessible to me in real life. I feel a fire in my belly and it is she . I feel urgent and powerful and calm and cool and collected as it rains and storms above me.

Bowing to her beauty and her light
Captivated by what could be
Claiming her as mine

Namaste indeed