Sunday, May 01, 2016

Matters of the Heart

Matters of the heart

( sorry for typos on an ipad )

As you know from this blog - i am a very open person. I see truth and vulnerability as a strength and i admire it so much in both others and myself as i evolve into the type of person that is able to more and more feel what i feel.

But when i look at this blog over the last number or years  i rarely write about that is a big part or my heart. My mom and her health( or lack of it ) i write about her often as she is such a big part of our daily lives ..... But i don't write much about the heartbreaking parts as it is as if my head allows myself to believe it all.

My mom is one of the closet closest people in my life . Sometimes i feel like saying she is the closet but over the years i have made the important journey of not allowing that and making  more place in my heart for my husband , my kids and my friends . And my own life .
I am an only child and have had a complex and beautiful relationship with my mom . And we are still as close as peanut butter and jam. And strikingly different in personality yet share a lot of he same outward appearance

My dad was super super unwell growing up and made it a very difficult life in many ways as a child but i always had my mom as the beautiful anchor of it all . Hard to say i had a hard childhood with her in it .

Years of pain have plagued my mom . As of my mid teens i just remember her always focusing on health and pain whether it be in her stomach , shoulder , exhaustion . It seemed to jump from one place in her body to the next and was always a focus but not the centre of who she was . But it was always there . Growing up with my dad so constantly unwell from a mental health standpoint made me keenly aware of when my mom was not well physically as there was nothing  i wanted more than to know that at least one of my parents was well and able .

Over the years my mom has had a lot of stuff going on  but nothing crazy . The stuff of inflammatory arthritis, sever asthma , thyroid issues , stomach issues etc . You name an aliment and she has it. But they have all fallen into the category of although annoying and painful ..... Manageable

Then her world ( and mine ) turned upside down 2.5 yrs ago when she bumped her head and was left with a concussion .
That never went away.

She was one of the unlucky few that had post concussion syndrome and daily since has not had the same life . Headaches daily almost , not being able to watch tv or read more than a few mins  of or a few pages etc . She works 2 days a week and has had to go back and forth being able to work and not being able to work . The first year was awful , the second year a little bit more ( very slightly) doable  and the last 6 months finally improving where she could watch a half movie often with sunglasses on maybe once a month

Then 14 days ago she hit her head slightly again . And this when you have already a traumatic brain injury ...  you  re concuss and puts you back to square one . It is extremely common to happen over and over and over

So there she is back at sqarew one . In her apartment . Alone . Not even  being able to answer one single  text without a new headache and new nausea . Not being able to do anything at all except lie there and rest . Saying goodbye to what was and hello to this living hell that never seems to end. Depending on people for the simplest of tasks .

I have not seen improvement in the last 14 days and i am petrified .
I am scared
I am angry
But mostly i am heartbroken

And i am praying really really hard that there is an end to this ever ending nightmare . Tomorrow i go with her to an appt that has nothing to do with this to find out what to do with a tumour that  has grown near her neck and if it requires surgery . Just one more thing to add the long list of pain and difficulties .

I am working tirelessly to help my mom , to be there for her , but more important to research and find her help, get that help , prepare he medical files . But mostly i am in shock and in awe of how quickly things in life can deteriorate

And as much happiness in my life as there is .... Its hard to feel it when another part of my heart is so low and sad . There are very few things in this world or people at i love as much as my mommy or that i am as connected or committed to. This happening to her on every level feels like it is happening to me

I half two brothers and they are my half brothers as we shared the same dad but not the same mom . At one point one of them said to me doing the dying process of my dad how alone he felt on so many levels and felt it was so hard as he didn't feel that he could share those deep intimates feelings of sadness with me about a person he really loved ( which was true as my dad and i were  almost strangers  for many years of my older adult life life on and off)

And i looked at him and felt so much pain for him . So much sadness . I caused it- but i also got it completely . As i have felt that my entire life being my moms only child.  Loving someone alone ... Is lonely. And my mom is young and 65 and not married . Her and my dad divorced 20 yrs ago and my dad passed away 5 yrs ago.

So if anyone out there has any advice or help i am here please to take it . Not much is out there  for concussion  and post concussion patients . And my goal is at least to get my mom to a place where she can function again and read the love letters of my heart i will  always send her .