Pot???????? No way!!!!

When Chase turned 18 yrs old, Hubby and I often have discussed since that moment a couple of months ago that we have been lucky. Lucky that we did not have big teen issues with him as we had always expected to have. We had all the little annoying stuff and still do all the time (disrespectful, totally messy, chaotic, drops classes, doesn’t listen, forgets critical things that we have asked him to do, runs out of money, goes clubbing until all hours of the nights, drinks alcohols, experiments etc..)

But what we have not had are the big stuff. He comes home when he says he will (even if he negotiates that time to be 3:30am) he is where he says he is, he is respectful to our family life most days of the week, loves his family, gains useful employment and generally respect the rules (could also be that as of 16 yrs  old  don’t have too many!!!)

Well our opinion changed (for a few hrs) two weeks ago.

I had been reading a blog that morning on my break from my work to relax me. Well it did not relax me at all. It was a very honest gut wrenching  blog from a very well know blogger and famous author of parenting books that her  now 21 yr. old son is and their family are going public on the drug addiction of their son who they found out has struggled with this since the age of 15 yrs. and had hidden it. This is the model of the picture perfect family it seemed –highly religious, highly family oriented, hardly allowed TV into their house or rude video games, high love and security and devotion, church going abiding kids who seemed to be endlessly happy. And now at 21 he is in recovery and coming out into the world with his message. These both humbled me, and also depressed me. I admire the son, the mother to so many degrees and their honestly was so admirable, but I was also seized by fear in so many ways. If it could happen to them-it could happen to anyone!

Anyways that afternoon probably for the second time in my life I craved chocolate (I don’t usually crave sweets on a weekday) so I innocently went into e kids rooms to find (steal)  some. On Bear’s desk there was some but don’t like the brand-next to Chase’s room and opened his bedside drawer and sifted through.

I see a big bag of what looks like earth or some weird dust or something. Weird!

Kind of bothers me on some unconscious levels somewhere back in my brain but quickly put it away, took the chocolate and try and forget about it.

Forgetting about it doesn’t happen so easily

Two hrs later I have sort of succeeded and hubby writes a text:

How are you?

Down I guess

Why?

I hate Mondays and I also found a bag of earth or dust in Chase room?

What??? Take a picture and send it to me!!!

Ok (send pic)

Hubby: I am coming home

Hubby comes home and by this time I am in a full on panic. I have never seen or taken drugs in my entire life and have no idea what they look like. I am sure sure sure that Hubby will say it is something else. But I am looking at his face and in a big panic as his face is not looking reassured.

 Hubby: This is earth

Me: Oh thank God!! I thought maybe it was drugs

Hubby: there is a piece of tape attached sealing the bag and on it there are seven seeds

Me: why would there be seeds?

Hubby: looks like our son is growing pot in his room

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Serious full on panic. (me crying and hysteria too) We look on internet and Hubby says that yes pot as the seeds all match. We tear apart his room and his mattress and anything else to find something else. Nothing.

We text our son in the middle of CEGEP classes and say to call us immediately. He says he cannot as watching a movie in class that is an exam. We tell him to hell with the movie and to leave class (in my mind he is not going to Cegep anymore anyways but back to private school or maybe evenly jail so I really don’t care if he misses an exam).

He doesn’t leave and says he can’t. He is freaking out and worried someone died. I tell him nobody died and everyone is safe (except for him)

He calls 7 mins later. We put him on speaker phone:

Us: We are in your room and both home from work

Him: ok..why?

Us: We found something. Any idea what it is?

Him: No. What?

Us: Earth in your nightstand with seeds to grow

Him: ya ok?

Us: Ya ok???????????????????? Are you fucking crazy? You are growing weed! And probably selling it too????

Him: (feels like a lifetime of  (guilty)silence. Guys are you stupid??? That is my Humanities project in my food class. I am growing  CHIA seeds! I will send you the course outline if you want to prove it!

Us: oh thank God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: OMG you are so so stupid. Did you really think I would grow pot in my room by my bed? . Can I go back to class now????

Us- Ok bye. Sorry??

And then we don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The laughing came later. For the moment we were too humiliated. Hubby was so so angry at me and said I made too big a deal out of it by calling him in class and telling husband at work!  (pls husband you are the one who cannt tell the difference between pot a a chia seed whatever the hell those are!) He said we ruined our trust forever with our son. We both wrote him long texts (after class) apologizing and begging for his forgiveness in doubting him

Chase clearly and with good reason,  did not respond and ignored us the rest of the afternoon

At 5pm I wrote him a text and bribed him a little. “Hey Chase you know this morning when you asked for the car-well I am cancelling my plans and letting you have it tonight. I am also picking you up from school too. I feel soooo bad for not trusting my guy. Forgive me?

He took the lift and kind of forgave us. He kind of hugged me and by end of the drive we both laughed.

The next night at the dinner table we really really laughed.

This story will go down in our family history

And the best part is he never seemed too mad that we had torn part his room, not trusted him and confronted him on something he did and would likely never do.

I could tell by his face that he knew that we did it out of love and that if he was a parent he would have done the same. We are always on the same page as this kid…and that is what makes our relationship with his so easy and so beautiful; we screw up (or he does) and we make up. We forgive and move on-to the next difficult (or beautiful) thing about to happen. I thank God daily that this kid was given to us to care for and to learn from and to teach. And also be a great example to his younger siblings.

And PS-so I still don’t know what weed looks like!!!!!! Maybe we need to take our adult buddies up on their offer to play poker and smoke pot together one evening before we are too old!!!

Broken Open

Broken Open

I take it really seriously when someone refers me a book . In the last month two people have specifically referrred me two different books and I just finished the first this afternoon. A snowy blistery day where we got up at 5 am and drove from the city in time for ski jobs and hubby and i cocooned the day at the cottage until it was time to get the kids .

The perfect day to read this breathtaking book" Broken Open"

So many great nuggets of wisdom for me in this book. To name a few :

Stop resisting the changes in life allow your mind and soul and body to go with the flow and accept that suffering brings forward life greatest learnings

Learn that you cannot both pray and worry - you have to choose . And when you do pray it should not be for a certain outcome but for your strength and openness to receive the lessens that need to be taught in your life. The book specifically says it is ok to pray solely for comfort. This is good for me as i pray a little more now and does bring me comfort . In the last few days have read a couple of very religious blogs that just really turned me off of the concept of a formalized God, but after that instead of not praying and not having faith i told myself " wow that person in the blog really has a way of expressing her beliefs that does not resonate with me  or make any sense to who i am at all.. But there are beautiful parts of her blog too that i can learn from " . I allowed myself to not be turned off but turned back in tune. And i allowed myself the comfort of prayer .

Truth in this book was paramount and how the finding of it in ourselves it really incredible. I knew when i completed my therapy 6 months ago i was not fully complete . I think through this book i will find courage to tackle a long hidden issue for myself . SK said to me the other day " did you tell this person how you felt about this?" And my answer was " of course not ! "  My answer in retrospect was vert revealing to me as in had never considered that i could go that deep .


It was just a purely beautiful book fill of wisdom and beauty and nature and life . I especially  loved the part about the woman who took her ex husbands new son eli into her life and expanded her sense of family to include him as atypical this might seem . I loved that part

I loved the part about 10 yr old Hugo diagnosed with leukemia and the way his family was broken open that it was in those moments they were able to give and receive love at its finest. How when the author saw Hugo she did the say the usual " how are you feeling ?" But instead " what are you thinking ?" Ahh what a liberating and free question to pose in a time of such pain .


This book made me think of purpose and serving . It made me think that the next stage of my life is going to differ from the first . I need to expand my vision of  purpose and grow my family and my community . I need to serve in various ways and need to put more pen to paper and allow more music in my heart.
In many ways 2014 broke me open. I am certain that there will be plenty of harder years ahead for me that will break me open again and again and again. For me harder than being broken open myself is to watch the people i love being broken open themselves .


This book allowed me to as i turned the last page softly look at my husband and say with caring and forgiveness " what you did last night hurt me . Alot . And it made me feel that i was not valued " i did not scream  or use sarcasm or anger or resentment . I used my true and my reality and shared it with him as a gift . I did not ask for answers and received his gentle embrace .
It felt good to be broken open together


And i always hope to be one of those people who finds purpose and perspective on any hard situation . It for me defines a person and earns great respect. It's the  only thing we can do that  really seprates the strong people from the weaker souls in this world

Last night i randomly got an email from one of my  past professional mentors who really transformed my life . He asked how a particular situation in my life was going that he had been aware of in 2014 . When i described it and the way it is with challenges  and obstacles and great and beautiful parts but so many hards parts he wrote back and simply said :

" Worth it!"

For some reason those particular words felt so good to hear - more powerful than any  others i have heard - felt like someone telling me to keep on going . Commanding me to in some ways. I felt taken care of and listened to, supported and acknowledged . Respected and recognized and driving us to keep on going.

I felt like he got that we were broken open and put right back together .

Its incredible how much power can lie in two simple words offered straight from one heart to another .

Teen jobs

If crazy in life how much kids need to learn

And then teens –a huge learning curve

Even as adults it is like a constant phase of learning 

It's interesting for me to observe my own process of having changed careers almost a year ago now and how some days I feel on top of the world and other ones not so much. For some reason this work week is getting to me. Everyone seems to bee postponing meetings or contracts or just not replying to important emails or not paying invoices on time.  

My change of career this week is getting to me. Other weeks I feel it is best thing I have ever done in my life.

It's a process and I am so grateful for the learnings it is providing me. What I like about certain jobs and what I don't like about others , what I excel at and what I am weak in , what conditions my full potential is maximized in and where it is squashed .

How much risk tolerance I can take and how risk adverse I can be .How important the social aspect is to me and how I manage in other ways without it.

Admin work. Running a corporation. Subcontracting. Technology . I am doing it all. I don't have that team to delegate to anymore and it is forcing me to be baptized by fire and learn it ... And quickly!

But while I am in this process of my own  work and change and learning I am mostly enjoying watching our three children experience much of the same thing.

This will be Chase’s third year of real work at various jobs and is amazing to see him bloom in this way. To question things, To find his preferences and his own tolerance levels. For him to figure out how committed (or not committed he is). To see what he is willing to sacrifice for money or the ethics of his commitment and when he is not willing to sacrifice and why.

Has been so far : a tutor , an admin , and outside worker , a dirt bike instructor , a ski instructor , a school janitor , a cegep bookstore worker , a waiter and now as of tonight an office janitor ( hubby hired him to clean his workplace every two weeks and Chase’s preference of time

Is 10-midnight !!!

Bear tutored for a couple of years and always loved the Xmas tips. He also was an office worker, and outside worker and now his first real jobs a ski instructor and occasional waiter. This has been a big year for him as all fairly new. And he too is finding his way and very different these two brothers are when it comes to work! Both unique in their own ways 

And now Beauty entered the real workforce tonight too (gosh it's lonely around here as almost midnight ) Beauty has done more occasional babysitting but this new gig is high paying babysit and looks like she will be called back more regularly and for a couple of

Weeks in summer. I have never seen her look prouder counting that cash and was thrilled that the job included a trio from the McDonald across the street! She will be babysitting it looks like a few weeks in summer. She is such a good skier from all her years of competition that also by next winter will be a full ski instructor at age 15. This is young!

I told her I am counting on her paying the mortgage if my own career starts going wrong ;))

I think it is also important for kids at a fairly young age to manage a lot of their own schedules and parts of their lives. A colleague the other day who has 2 teens who just started working was asking me the other day how I made sure I got them up and out to their jobs ? I thought that was a funny question! I don't get them there at all in general unless they have asked exceptionally for a lift or need one. They have been trained from a very early age for school to wake up on their own with an alarm, make their breakfast, make their lunches, plan out the bus schedule etc. which has been an amazing learning platform for the jobs now.

For our own pleasure and theirs we have always two days a week made big breakfasts in the morning for them, and gotten up out them some days too as we all enjoy it but we have always made sure that since quite young there are a couple of days a week they fend for themselves fully in the morning so that they get used to it. 

This year we added on having Chase do the morning getting up driving routine with them one day a week just to make sure he does not get too used to the cegep late class schedule and still functions at 6:00 am like he used to when he was in high school. It's funny to hear him (from the comfort of our bed!) telling the other two to hurry up and get in the car!!

I worked all summer every summer as well as often part time in school year as of about 14 or 15 and made a ton of money that would last me the whole year and for travel in college too . I used to hide my money under my mattress (original eh?) and count it every night and I was so proud of it. That I could pay my way and had savings. Made me feel so worthwhile and good and successful. I still adore counting money :)

But kids learn through work. I think a great experience. Friends said to me the other day that her teens won't be able to work as too busy with hockey and that is the same type of commitment etc. I disagree. I think sports are great and also camps and other activities but not as a replacement to working. I think work ethic is developed through work and also self-pride and motivation. I think it teaches some major lif skills.

Very hard on the parents schedules though!! A weekday night  tonight  and I had one to get at 10:30pm and another at midnight! It also ruins summers and holidays and days off and time off as a family. And not great for chores and homework getting done as the kids working are never ever home. Makes for a bit (a lot!) of a chaotic house and life and schedules. I have found since having 2/3 over the age 16 yrs  has really made a difference in our lives and schedules. 14yrs  to me is still pretty manageable as I still somewhat control some of her time.

I knew this day would come 

I dreaded it on so many levels 

Now it is here and I am embracing it in many ways (and still resenting it on other levels)

I feel resigned in many ways to just accept that what was... Is Not anymore 

And I feel grateful to watch the process of our children grow into themselves through work 

As I end this blog I just texted Chase and said “are you done yet? Can I come get you now that it is midnight? “

And he wrote “I like cleaning a lot. It is good actually to do janitorial work and reminds me of the job at the school” last summer “(this teen is just so cute and adorable sometimes)

And I realize that I am proud of all of them and the work and contributions they make at midnight or any time of day. It is worth the sacrifices we have to make to have them work and grow. Mostly I am in awe of the gift of awareness they have of themselves through the process  

Growing Them Up

I like this expression (not sure if I made it up or heard it somewhere) . It seems to take on its own importance and urgency as your kids near the age of majority at 18 yrs. old-as everything really changes at this age. Your child is child no more and can vote, is legally responsible for his actions and in Quebec drink alcohol.So very much changes. If I look at who Chase is now at 18 yrs old and who he was at 17 yrs. old there is really no similarity at all. Nor the way we treat him. It’s amazing to see and be part of such a shift.

I have been thinking lately about the autonomy of children into teens and into adulthood and what we do as parents to encourage or discourage that. Savvy wrote a cool blog on it a few weeks ago and inspired me to also thing about it. Where we as are parents really good at letting go and where are we hanging on?  Have we prepared them enough for life ahead?  Savvy and I also have great discussions on this as we both have boys very similar in age and  both have to move from controlling a lot of what they do to letting go of most of it.

Also I find in our family anyways Chase often sets the pace. When he starts changing everyone else starts changing too as they are all so close in age. What Beauty is doing at 14 is not what he was allowed to do/ Bear at 16 follows him very closely. When you have three teens all within 21 -25 months-the ages just kind of blur. Chase sets the pace in so many ways and always has.

Chase at 18 yrs. old now and in Cegep is really living his own life. And in general fairly respectfully under our roof. He certainly manages 100 percent of his schedule and tells us most the time anyways where he is (but not always) and definately does not ask permission anymore. He is in some ways a third adult and parent in the house in that he does his share of the driving with the other two kids and is very safety conscious about that and concerned that Beauty is picked up when dark vs taking the bus. He eats at often different times than us and often different much more protein led healthier diets than us too (he gives himself a cheat day per week only!). He drops courses and decides what he will do about making them up, and he takes the consequences of the bad decisions he sometimes makes.

There are certain dinners and occasions we expect him to be at and strongly encourage it to happen (aka scream and cry in his face) and others that we have had to let go. Sometimes a week can go by and I have not had 5 alone mins with him.

The other day he left dishes in his room and a total mess as usual and I told the cleaning ladies that come twice a month not to clean it and not to wash his sheets. Today he was 20 minutes late for his ski lessons he teaches and he lost his bonus of the whole year. He understands consequences and lives with the impact.

But we have also held his hand a lot before this and helped him along quite a bit in certain situations (by 17 he was very very autonomous, but at 16 we coddled him about more. We have always guided our kids toward certain jobs and sometimes even helped them through to write emails to the boss etc. when they get gifts we sit and watch while they send thank you tests, in school we managed until cage that they were studying and at what times (now in Cegep almost no studying occurs and we just hold our breath and wait of the marks!) We often said yes much more than no in social situations and always go out of our way to make it easy for them to socialize with friends. When they are in trouble were often help them dig their way out. Is this the right way or the good way? Are we doing favors to a kid between 16-18 yrs. old to do this? I truly don’t know the answer….

On the house front we don’t help much and as early as 10 yrs old never did. They do their chores, Bear does all the laundry for the family, the state of their rooms is ignored, they make many of their own meals even we can’t be there, they packed all their lunches since about 9yrs. old, they even drive up in a snowstorm this morning to the hill from the city and were stuck in 3 hrs of traffic and snow. They take care of the house in lots of ways (with very low standards!) and they make sure they are safe. In that way I feel they are pretty grown up. I have no doubts that if tomorrow they were all three alone they could fend for themselves very successfully.

But we have also not been great examples. Often the sink has a pile of dirty dishes; sometimes our newly cleaned floors have footprints of mud across it. In general our house looks good enough but not half as clean or tidy as most. This conscious decision has consciously gone into my basket c of items to let go of. I feel that if I focus too much on that there won’t be time for the more important basket an items of mine. Or little energy for them. Again is this the right way? I honestly have no clue.

So on the autonomy operational side I think we have done a pretty fine job of preparing them. Self-confidence wise too very very good. But what about on the values side? Family history side? Sharing our stories and our thoughts? Not so great. Maybe better than many but not good enough in my books. And most has to do with a lack of time and energy vs a lack of good intentions really. As Chase turned 18 and Bear 16 their schedules don’t have anything to do with us anymore (and we still have the 14 yr. old who will turn 16 and 18 one day too!) Chase works out 5 times a week, tutors economics for his college, is a ski instructor, is a dirt bike instructor, studies and has his own life. Bear is all over the place in school too as a ski instructor, camp instructor, drivers Ed, kayak competitions, and national lifeguarding courses. There is literally hardly any time to even speak to them anymore (this is not a joke as with working they are always studying, working or finding a few well deserved mins to relax and don’t want to bother with parent conversation)

But what I do feel good about has been this 18 yrs. old stage so far. He makes so many crappy decisions and other really really great ones. He exhausts himself and is often chaotic, but then also so strategic and a long term thinker. We just stay out of it. Ignorance is often bliss at this stage. As of Xmas we decided never to check his phone again unless there was a HUGE worry of serious depression or danger (we checked it before that maybe every few months and really did not feel good about this and has always been very controversial) but as of 18 what’s the point? He is entitled to his privacy and also the privilege of making mistakes as a young adult growing up before we step in and help solve things for him. (so much for his privacy last week when Hubby and I found a bag of soil and seeds by his bedside while I was trying to sneak a piece of chocolate !! a whole other very very funny scary blog to come!!!)

But in other ways it all just hurts my heart. To watch the hurt and struggles, to see a ticking time bomb about to explode, to watch what we know is not a good decision turn into a decision that will negatively impact his entire life. And then sometime we do step in (like academics and trying the best we can to guide these right decisions) But is this good or bad? Again I honestly don’t know. My parents certainly did not really guide me or help me making major educational and career decisions (well my dad tried to but that is a story for a whole other blog) and I think I turned out very successfully in these areas- so who knows?

And it’s hard to have a young adult live with you. That is why in many ways I think dorms and out of town University good too as just lets them really live on their own. But there is also something about being adults together that is cool too.

Who’s going to pick up the ingredients for the pad thai tonight?

We need to cut down on the grocery bill if buying 19 clans of salmon this week so here do we cut out?

Who is going to drive the kids this morning as they need to be at school early for a ski trip?

It gives the kids that time to have you grow them up a bit. Be there when they fall and provide still welcomed advice as they are not expecting you are out of the picture fully if they live on their own. It also allows them to also learns the skills of compromise instead of black or grey and learn the concept of “yes you are a legal adult but you live in my home” Now my home has to definately become more of our home when having kids 18yrs old but there will be some rules (as minimal as possible in my opinion) that they will need to just stuck to and abided by. In some ways it’s like living in a commune. But a commune that is not fully democratic and has an autocratic edge.

And in some ways it gives the parents a nice transition to towards being parents and having an empty nest. Allows us some time and space to find our own ways in our careers, our couple and our hobbies. Allows the bandaid to be pulled off in a gentler slower way. But it is damn hard to live with near or adult children. It is messy and chaotic and like watching a war about to happen knowing that you have the answers but can’t shout loud enough from them to hear to prevent all the damage about to occur.

Lately Chase has been exploring the idea to go away for University and I really have mixed feelings about it, I don’t know what is best for him? What is best for us? His life? Our lives? But that is the thing: the decision is not mine anyways at this age. It’s weird to know that a year ago it could have been and that it no longer belongs to me anymore. There are parts of living with young adults that make me crazy and I could do without and there are parts that I adore and treasure. Mostly I think I am just afraid: afraid of a life that doesn’t revolve around the family (imagine how stay at homes moms must feel????)

To be honest, I don’t know if at this point I control less or care less. Maybe a bit of both? And I try to remind myself often that I still do have a 14 yr. old and that she can’t or should not be fully autonomous by this age. Or should she? Again I don’t know the answer. It is all a wait and see,

I always thought our kids would not live away or go way to University but at this stage I really don’t know what they will choose. That is how far away from their thought is am lately. I don’t know what is going on in those heads of theirs (doesn’t help that they work both days of weekends in winter and stuff the rest of weekend so there is barely any interaction and now in weeks bartending course for 18 yrs. old, drivers licence for 16 yrs. old, savour national) all these activities tough on schedule but hopefully prepping them for life to come?

Last weekend SK kids came over for the weekend and when I saw her 5 yr. old wearing a summer dress I asked sk-whats’ with that?  (It was -35) They pack their own suitcases when they travel for a weekend and that’s what she brought!” Again I wish I had done this so much earlier in my kid’s lives s I can’t imagine how this little sweetie will be at 18yrs old. And she managed….she asked  her sister for a sweater and pants later when she got cold . Before she left  she did say “next time jogging pants and a hoody for me!” . OMG I was so impressed. (Ya I am not there yet nor will I ever be. Beauty was dressed to the nines at that age, all girly and fancy and warm! But it was more about me than her in so many ways and I definitely see the benefit of leaving these choices up to the kids).

Our babies will always be our babies. We will never know if our actions were the right or wrong ones. We will never have enough of being parents as was (and is) the best thing we have ever done with the most pleasure and worry and heartache too). What we will know is that we really did do our absolutes deliberate best and that as they learn we learn along with them. We grow up ourselves as much as we try to grow them.

If you really really want to take a good honest look at yourself in the mirror with strengths and weaknesses –take a good hard look at yourself as a parent. It is very revealing and very honest. Who you are as a parent often reflects who you are as a person, friends, a daughter, a cousin, a wife.

Through our children..we grow up too.

The question always remains: am I ready to?

We Get to Say “Phew”!!!!!

What date is it again?  Feb 18 2016...is the day our family got to breathe. Take in some air and just feel it in our lungs.

Beauty had her 6 month X-rays for scoliosis today at the Shriners Hospital and for once in two years got some hopeful news!!!! Hubby and I were so happy that we hugged and forgot to hug the actual patient!!! Lol.

So story is that she gets checked every 6 months. Usually it is not good or bad news but a wait and see. She has progressed a couple of degree…have to see what happens….if she gets to 40 degrees we will need to consider to give her spinal fusions. You get the picture. Kinda feels like waiting is a living hell (and I can’t even imagine for parents who’s kids suffer from much harsher things than scoliosis)

Six months ago was not a neutral apt but a worrisome one as she went up to 40 degrees and  got worse considerably and was borderline surgery (still unlikely as is close to end of growth but very borderline.) Were told to wait and see again in 6 months.

Now today- 6 months later- was a scary apt but with great news. She may have even improved a bit which is very rare in scoliosis) And she will very likely be out of the night brace in 6 months if all continues in this good direction (day brace dates TBD )

It’s hard to articulate how this feels. I feel so grateful just to be lighter and living normal life even for these few hrs. Not having something so huge hangs over my daughter’s head and heart. To leave that office and just talk about normal things life Starbucks smoothies and breakfast sandwiches and think about if I prefer my hair dark or blond. Freedom.

We set off after the appt to get the brace adjusted (this is about her 5^th brace (combined day and night) as she grows like a weed!!!)

I have all sorts of supports and really a village of people who care. Texts flood in as I send out the good news, Colleagues, Family, and Friends. We are blessed. And Beauty? Well she doesn’t care much as has more important things to think about –mainly the business of living the life of a 14 year old girl which I am so happy today she got to go back to school and think about.

I allow myself only two weeks before apt and X-rays  to even think about that there is even an upcoming appt. Then I only allow myself 1 day to fret and be super super anxious about it. That morning of apt I wear my lucky charm necklace and my mom holds two heart rocks in her hands until she gets my call from the hospital. Savvy strongly prays for us. Childhood wonder prays and hopes a lot too and sends lots of texts. SK asks Catherine and Nanny (and now David) to watch over Beauty. And wonderful colleagues send me inspiring thoughts to think of to keep me calm

“I am releasing fear-based intentions, and I am nurturing love-based intentions.”

“I have faith in the best possible outcome.”

“I trust life and am open to the outcome, and when the time comes I will know what to do as next steps.” (Trust/Optimism but with detachment to the outcome)

We went out to breakfast the three of us after and planned out her Brace Burning party that will take place the minute she is allowed to take brace off (maybe in 6 months!!!!) I cannot even imagine that moment!!!! We sat there and planned out a possible trip to Florida that she has possibly been invited to and would leave a week from Friday for March Break!!!!!

I am just so happy that we can say PHEW. Looks like our girl is not getting spinal fusion surgery as long as nothing really rare and odd happens and she grows a lot. That being said doctor said that her bones and skeleton are unlikely to change at this point and that the body she has not is likely the body she will stay with. If this is the case lucky lucky lucky girl (I would seriously give anything to have that body)

She deserves every ounce of appreciation, compliments and recognition. The kid has been through a lot and continues to go through a lot.

We loved seeing her shy( barely there smile) when the surgeon told her the news:

We walked out and we asked her how she felt?

“I like my surgeon” she said (then she just happily chatted about anything else except scoliosis)

Music to my ears.

YesJ)) I do tooJ)

What date is it again?  Feb 18 2016...is the day our family got to breathe. Take in some air and just feel it in our lungs.

Beauty had her 6 month X-rays for scoliosis today at the Shriners Hospital and for once in two years got some hopeful news!!!! Hubby and I were so happy that we hugged and forgot to hug the actual patient!!! Lol.

So story is that she gets checked every 6 months. Usually it is not good or bad news but a wait and see. She has progressed a couple of degree…have to see what happens….if she gets to 40 degrees we will need to consider to give her spinal fusions. You get the picture. Kinda feels like waiting is a living hell (and I can’t even imagine for parents who’s kids suffer from much harsher things than scoliosis)

Six months ago was not a neutral apt but a worrisome one as she went up to 40 degrees and  got worse considerably and was borderline surgery (still unlikely as is close to end of growth but very borderline.) Were told to wait and see again in 6 months.

Now today- 6 months later- was a scary apt but with great news. She may have even improved a bit which is very rare in scoliosis) And she will very likely be out of the night brace in 6 months if all continues in this good direction (day brace dates TBD )

It’s hard to articulate how this feels. I feel so grateful just to be lighter and living normal life even for these few hrs. Not having something so huge hangs over my daughter’s head and heart. To leave that office and just talk about normal things life Starbucks smoothies and breakfast sandwiches and think about if I prefer my hair dark or blond. Freedom.

We set off after the appt to get the brace adjusted (this is about her 5^th brace (combined day and night) as she grows like a weed!!!)

I have all sorts of supports and really a village of people who care. Texts flood in as I send out the good news, Colleagues, Family, and Friends. We are blessed. And Beauty? Well she doesn’t care much as has more important things to think about –mainly the business of living the life of a 14 year old girl which I am so happy today she got to go back to school and think about.

I allow myself only two weeks before apt and X-rays  to even think about that there is even an upcoming appt. Then I only allow myself 1 day to fret and be super super anxious about it. That morning of apt I wear my lucky charm necklace and my mom holds two heart rocks in her hands until she gets my call from the hospital. Savvy strongly prays for us. Childhood wonder prays and hopes a lot too and sends lots of texts. SK asks Catherine and Nanny (and now David) to watch over Beauty. And wonderful colleagues send me inspiring thoughts to think of to keep me calm

“I am releasing fear-based intentions, and I am nurturing love-based intentions.”

“I have faith in the best possible outcome.”

“I trust life and am open to the outcome, and when the time comes I will know what to do as next steps.” (Trust/Optimism but with detachment to the outcome)

We went out to breakfast the three of us after and planned out her Brace Burning party that will take place the minute she is allowed to take brace off (maybe in 6 months!!!!) I cannot even imagine that moment!!!! We sat there and planned out a possible trip to Florida that she has possibly been invited to and would leave a week from Friday for March Break!!!!!

I am just so happy that we can say PHEW. Looks like our girl is not getting spinal fusion surgery as long as nothing really rare and odd happens and she grows a lot. That being said doctor said that her bones and skeleton are unlikely to change at this point and that the body she has not is likely the body she will stay with. If this is the case lucky lucky lucky girl (I would seriously give anything to have that body)

She deserves every ounce of appreciation, compliments and recognition. The kid has been through a lot and continues to go through a lot.

We loved seeing her shy( barely there smile) when the surgeon told her the news:

We walked out and we asked her how she felt?

“I like my surgeon” she said (then she just happily chatted about anything else except scoliosis)

Music to my ears.

YesJ)) I do too Meh-mehJ)

The Perfect way to Spend Valentines for Us

We have a tradition in our family that I like a lot around Valentine's Day ... We spend it with the kids ( or whichever are around and single that is ) it's an occasion that is about love for me and never want older kids to feel alone so we always spend it and celebrate it together . Usually with a simple meal at ikea has been the choice . Or fondue at home 

Well this year we were spoiled . We had all three of ours at Trent with us and also three adorable  little kids . I call them all my yummies . Soulkeeper ( sk ) and M&M ( her hubby ) and their three little sweeties ( 7, 5 and 3 )

It is so fun to see our kids with their kids . Our kids look like Giants ! Cool to see them in that nurturing role and also seeing how hard it is to pull kids off technology ( a three year old is no different than a 16 yr old in that respect ! )

It's so different  now that our boys chill with the adults in so many ways now . Talking totally adult stuff too which is so off to the ears but our new reality ! And beauty is the best ever with kids . Seriously the best .

We all had so much fun just hanging out , playing games , sitting by the fire , chatting ,tickling the kids . At dinner we sat at the big table eating all the requested items the kiddies chose ( sausages and beans and rice , brownies and candy and sparkly water ) and we played discussion cards and took turns answering questions about families . After dinner the boys and sk played some poker and laughed their heads off . Then sk joined me by the fire for a great girl chat .

Then next morning was valentines and we all left little gifts and chocolates for the kids . It was so cute to hear them all so excited about treats . We Indulged ourselves and had the three of them come into our bed and cuddle with us and tell funny stories . Felt just like old times with our own kids and was way better than sleeping in . 

We all relaxed and ate breakfast and then headed out into the -25 weather for a little sliding and 4 by 4 on the lake and a walk . Then the adults went for a jacuzzi in the bitter cold yet shining sun .

Lunch was yummy . They made cheese fondue and two awesome salads . With Valentine chocolates for dessert of course . We all just fit together so perfectly . Age differences ... Just don't matter . Our kids just adore each other and are as close as cousins and the four adults just really click . Some great discussions and laughs . It all just makes so much sense and feels so good .i just feel that no subject is off limits : there is only love and acceptance and no judging on any level . Feels so freeing to just be who we are and present ourselves where we are at . You should hear some of our discussion topic !!!!!!!

Chase took a lift back to the city with them to meet a girl at our house he hangs out with for " pizza and a movie ". He is 18 ! And it is Valentine's Day ! Kinda hard to keep him back with the promises of a fajita and family calendar !

And the parents they are is truly inspirational . So many parts of me wish that I had known these ways and tricks when my own kids were young . No raised voices , no nagging , no power struggles . Yet firm and healthy discipline , boundaries and limits and a tone of attention and love and just being present . The result : three beautifully behaved happy children with some of the best manners and behaviours I have ever seen . Very very impressive .

So much to learn from these two parents . Both were social workers in the past who worked with teens so still lots of room for me learning and growing there with our own children as they grow into adulthood . And our kids respect them so much and look up to them .  They are as great compasses as they are cool .

Overall a weekend full of love .just perfect 

Hubby printed out my annual blog book too which always touches me so much and is truly among my most prized possessions .

I love seeing this in print in front of me like a book and also the picture and quotes that hubby attributes to that specific year . Makes the journey so clear and memorable 

Tonight he and I going out for fondue and a movie for our own valentines celebration which I am also really looking forward too .

Life is good .

My real day visit in Vancouver

Yesterday afternoon was just luck with the time difference . I lucked out with a few extra hours in the sunshine in a beautiful city .Today was the day I planned to tour .

Companies don't expect suppliers  to stay less than 2 nights when you take 6 hr flights so I arranged to have the gift of this day to explore my surroundings a bit .

Last night I ordered room service from the kids menu and then watched TLC . By 8pm I felt like it was midnight ( which is really was !) and I went to bed .

At 4 am I woke up of course wide awake but mediated my way back to sleep until 7:30am . An epic almost 12 hr sleep !!!

I looked out the window at guy the pouring rain and did a few hrs of work in my pjs .then head d out to the tourist kiosks for some ideas .

I decided on a nature adventure . In a yellow rain poncho on the rainforest called capilino suspension bridge 

This is what I wrote my family:The grand adventurer I am i am heading off in a few mins to capilino in the pouring rain with a big yellow poncho to go on a suspended bridge and see rainforests . Suspended scary bridge is 450 feet long 330 feet high .wish me luck !! Pouring rain ! 

Turned out to be really amazing . I wasn't scared at all by the suspended bridge . My heart did are at beating rapidly on the cliff walk though . Especially the part with the glass floors ! Omg !! I asked q Chinese man to take a picture and we were both so scared to let go Of rails for a minute .

It was worth it . (for me anyways!)

I also on the 30

Mins bus ride got to see part of Stanley park which I am sure on a sunny day is gorgeous 

 Was a magical day in nature . Close to trees water and good old fashioned beauty 

I prayed a lot ( to the universe ) and thought a lot .reflected a lot on my aloneness and how I felt about that .

Took it step my step minute by minute and again followed my heart . My heart took me to a secluded treehouse on the pond where I read all my fave blogs. It took me to buy homemade fudge for the family and towards q snack of a samosa at a random treehouse Cafe

My heart is with me now as I sit in the rain blogging and waiting for a bus .

 I think I want to spend the rest of the day just listening to where I am led .

In the rainforest today I lost what was probably my favourite earring ever :( a gift from hubby at Xmas and have worn them everyday since. But is there a better place to lose a jewel ? I felt a part of me was left in nature and with the universe . With God in my own sense of the word .

I walked away happily with this in mind .

 A wonderful relaxing way to spend my day . With the splendid universe in nature 

After the rainforests I took the bus to a cheap Chinese spa where I had a very Interesting massage . No receipt and no undergarments allowed . Thank goodness was a woman as the place was a little creepy . But I figure that most Chinese people are really smart and pretty much good at everything they do so this massage would be no exception. And I was right !!! I extended from 60-90

Minutes and she karate chopped me all over and did reflexology . It was super awesome and super scary at times . I had to tell her to calm down but man was it great ..

Then headed back to Gastown for the same Peruvian sandwich I have been craving since yesterday . Then back to the same store I bought the great sweaters and bought 3 shirts to go under the sweaters . Such great prices .then back to the hotel where I called the kiddies at home 

Lying down for a short 30 minutes and then I am taking a cab to the promendade area Robinson street for some window shopping and a little bite of if I find myself hungry again .

I wanted to do the fly over Canada assimilation ride and also wanted to use the hot tub on the roof but neither is going to happen as I had a huge tiring day and I think I will fall into bed after.

Let's not forget what I am here for ! Work ! Tomorrow delivering a session on time management for results and then a leadership

coaching session with one of the executives.  Then a red eye back home to fall into my own bed Friday morning for a few hrs before a packed afternoon of work 

This is an odd and strange life . And a cool one also to explore .Now that our kids are older business travel can kinda be a little fun . Actually based on this trip .. A lot of fun !!

I still think that life ... Should always be treated as a special

Occasion . And I have no intention of stopping any time soon .