This Bloody Week

 If you are a man..just don’t bother reading this. If you don’t like swearing or are offended by reading about woman's bodily functions-don’t read this either.

Sometimes I wish that the three days leading up to my period I could just dig a hole and climb into it or ask my family to move out of our home and leave me alone. (Until I started on a light medication 6 months ago which is a miracle drug. I used to have this feeling half the month by the way)

Yup heard me cleary. 15 days of this crap for the last 2 yrs since have turned 40. Now 2-3 days only thank god.

My mood is so bad now 2 days before my period I actually hang a sign on the fridge monthly to warn the family of the date (not a joke). It is a bit awkward when my son’s friends ask why there is a big sign that says “Stay away Sept 28”  but it is worth the mild humiliation to be able to provide adequate warning.

I just can’t stand you all on those few days or stand myself either. Yesterday I was actually sitting on a boat in the sun reading a good book and I felt nervous, jittery, and anxious, bored and like hitting someone. It’s ludicrous to be a woman I tell y’a. I had no idea what to think or feel. I am seriously afraid of the day my daughter gets her period. Of the decades ahead of this likely genetic instability. I find her moods hard to deal with now…imagine after her menses commence???

So all that today after a peaceful, sunny gorgeous weekend with my husband and my two quietest kids (one stayed home last minute at a friend’s house) I came home to my not quiet son who had cleaned the house and made dinner for us all. And within minutes friggin ripped his head off (almost)!!!

Note: pls don’t be disrespectful to me the day I am supposed to get my period. Pls don’t push my buttons and pls don't not look at me when I am talking to you. My husband must also have his period as he nearly ripped his head of too. And hell just today I was thinking how well life is going. Guess not!

(PS I secretly love hearing my husband yell at the kids as only happens about three times a year and makes me look more normal and nice).

As tonight as I go to bed I just pray there is blood in my underwear by the morning so I can feel remotely human again. If this doesn’t end soon my family is going to (fucking-sorry!) fire me.

Reminder:AND PS IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS BLOGPOST JUST DON’T READ IT.

And PSS I feel like the WORST Mother on earth today. I am so stressed about my daughter’s exam yesterday that I am losing it. And I am getting my period. When I get like this I am unbearable I agree. When I feel love for my kids too much (like the exam worrying) I turn on them-it totally sucks. When it the normal part of the month I can control myself but period times I cannot. No self-control whatsoever.

And no ability to apologize as too tiring and too much energy needed. And it’s going to happen right over again next month so why even bother anyways?

But it is kind of liberating not to always feel like I have to be a great Mom. Today I am not so deal with it. Yesterday I was not so deal with it too. Tomorrow I will be good again. The next day probably great.

And Hey I am sorry…having three kids almost 12, 14 and 16 yrs is not always easy. The hormones in the house are raging and I include my husband who I firmly believe is going through male menopause. (moody, sweating at night, talking in sleep, disagreeable, clenched jaw, more body hair)

YUP it is a FRIGGING zoo around here people!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hopefully tomorrow I will return to the human race. And if my family is fed up and have left the house and are fed up with me-then oh well. A house to myself all week would be nice.

 

 

Magical (again!)

 All I think about is the word “Magical” when I step into this setting.

How do they do this?????

How does a high school take tweens who are often lazy, not passionate, don’t really love going to school…and make them CRAVE going to their school the following year?? In huge amounts….literally every tween in Montreal has this craving. And this..is big.

I don’t really get it???

Last night a very shy friend of Chase was over last and I told him that Beauty was writing the exam the next morning. Completely out of character he ran down the stairs and wished her good luck….so excitedly for an almost 16 yr. old boy. He said he remembered the exam day (and his acceptance) as one of the best days of his life and he felt so excited for Chase’s little sister..Awww,,,

Today is HER day. All hers. She has been working up to it since Spring-so four months to be exact. An average of about and hour extra a day of studying on top of her regular studies at least 5 times a week. Even all summer vacation and everything. She is ready.

 

It is the evaluation combined with the report card . Hers is great but anything under  87% average is considered borderline and she is lower than that but still very good average. It is not a sure in…but not a sure out either. She has a good chance but not guaranteed at all. Never is.

But is it a combination of the grade 4/5 reports cards, a 3 hr. exam on general culture, logic and French and a personal essay question in French. Based also on creativity and innovation. Probably about 1800 write . 1 in 5 will get in.

So there it is! I know people have varying perspectives on this….having kids compete for spots in high school and programs. I know from varying comments I have had on the blog about my sons there are different perspectives on it (and I love this healthy debating keeps the brain juice flowing and challenges some of my own beliefs so keep the emails coming pls those of you who agree and not agree all welcome in equal measures!!) It reminds me a bit of religion the whole education bit…..very and deeply personal. I have even doubted it myself sometimes. “Why do we do this exactly???”

But I know why. Beauty told me yesterday in no uncertain way on a per walk we tool together. She articulated everything that pushes us to do this, and go through this.

“I want to go to this school more than anything I have ever wanted to do in my life. I have dreamed of it, thought about it and fantasized about it. If I get in (which I know I will)…I will be grateful and know that the 5 yrs. are a gift”

And that is why we do this. This particular education at the particular school is the reward of all rewards for some odd reason.  It makes education exciting and coveted and wanted. Could you ever ask for more than your child????? For their lives???

If there is a Heaven and my Dad is in it-he is so smiling right now. Education was everything to him. And it’s to me too. And it is too his three grandchildren apparently too! I may not have been able to turn them into readers Dad….but they know the importance of education that is certain.

She wants it more than chocolate…more than candy…more than a sleepover..more than any boy. I might even go as far to say as a kiss from Justin Bieber (I will confirm that assumption this evening)

She told me on our walk that she doesn’t care of one single friend gets into the school-she only just wants to go there. And be accepted to their prestigious 5 yr dance program (audition in a few weeks upon acceptance)

So it is a roller coaster ride I tell you. And our last one. We are literally going to burn all the books when this is over. We are so done. So are they.

I don’t think I ever realized until last night how much this school means to her. I thought the other three she was applying to would also be good enough but apparently not so. She is just like her two older brothers. It is this place or nothing in her head. And this is scary. Very very very scary. To want something so much.. I saw deep inside of my daughter last night. She totally let me into her heart.

We went out Friday night for the traditional dinner just the student and the two parents. Then the card (that contains a shocking 100 dollars which is a kept hidden and secret from the older kids for years). The look on the face!!!!! The shock and surprise!!! Very symbolic that it is not the results on the exam that we find out in a week-but the hard work and diligence that went into the preparation. We want her to get in of course,..but that is not what is important to us. Friday is the celebration and not when the verdict is in.

Then the massage at the spa especially for her before she sleeps before the big exams. A tradition we did for each kid. And will joyfully never have to do again.

So I am posting this blog as she is writing the exam. Timed to perfection.

Wishing you my love the very best of luck on this very important day for you. I know that you will be awesome and I know that you will end up at the right place for you. This school would be lucky to have our tiny little dancer.

 

The first time she has ever held a 100$ bill in her hands.......what excitement and shock!

 

My baby girl Crumpet going to highschool??????

 

 

Chase, Bear and Chase friend left sleeping beauty (bed at 9pm) love notes and notes of good luck on the kitchen counter. Will wake up to these and lots of phone msgs and texts that I  were sent for her tonight  to lift her spirits before the big exam:)))))) Life is good with notes and kids like this around.

 

 

Whatever.Whenever.

This is the “W” hotel branding for their concierge service that I may  need to shamelessly steal one day for a title of a book. Since I live at this hotel at least 3 weeks a year for the last many years and know every food, cupcake, corner and  sweet smellling soap by heart-I also use Whatever Whenever a lot.

This week my colleague forget his shoes in Swiss to run- and so magic a pair was on his bed in his size and budget within an hour. He also broke his glasses in the middle of a program and abracadabra they were fixed within 30 minutes and delivered to the bench outside where we were taking a breather.

All I personally needed was one red velvet cupcake and some dental floss this week-but usually my needs are more complexJ

But this expression and branding truly resonates with me. Adore it.

On that bench outside for a breather my colleague and I discussed its meaning for us. Since he is like the smartest person in the world I rely on his brain alot. An ex professional athlete himself, the ex-mental coach of Roger Federer, a doctor, a psychologist. It was interesting to see how this brand affected him too.

For me,as I slept that night after two 15 hrs days and a couple of more normal ones in between, I realized that this branding is what I expect from life in a lot of ways …what I want from others …and what I want to give.On both a professional level and a personal level. There are parts of it that I am well on my way to and other parts I need to further develop (especially the Whatever part)

I have always dreamt of a career as a ”fixer”. Tell me a problem and I will fix it. Let me sit at a desk with some purple lights and a Believe sign in platinum and I will fix all your worries in a jiffy. This always has been my dream of a career (beyond shoes and glasses of course!).

“Open for business to fix anything broke inside of you”

Any why??? Good question.

Because I excel at that. I am good at it. Really really good actually. I this feedback all the time in my career. I love this recognition and it fuels me to no end.

But what I discovered covered is that I need to be fixed along the way too. I am broken too. I get fixed somehow through all this too. In ways I could not have imagined. And lately too I have been wondering  if there is anyone open all hours of the day for business me too?

And most importantly-is that even the solution???

Last night when I sat up in bed thinking about Whatever Whenever…… I  also realized some nasty truths about myself. Maybe it comes from hanging out with doctors and psychologists a lot, and having hundreds of brilliant collegues surrounding me daily…from the teachings I give about leadership and learnings, self assessments and discovery. I am hyper aware of my own (and others!) strengths and weaknesses. This is basically what I do for a living.

Maybe I have gone to deep. Or did not go deep enough all of these years and now everything is surfacing as I allow myself to be more open.

All I know is that whatever whenever appeals to me in every sense of the word. I stand for it and will stand for it. I have high expectations of myself and the world and this branding seems to say it all.

Swiss Colleague and I looked at each other and just get it. What it means..what it signifies…what it means for balance in life..and lack of it..family..friendships…work..truth.

Gives us a paradigm of the way we want to live life.

No matter what shit is hitting the fan at whatever time of day-you have ONE Life. Only one. Be who you are throughout it all-all of it. Carry yourself from work to home, to friends, with colleagues standing up straight and being who you are consistently. Don’t let others down without telling them first. Don’t let yourself off the hook so easily. Be true to yourself and your image. Live with love and laughter. Be vulnerable and open. Breathe in beauty. Live your life with pride. Be Authentic. Always always want More.

Whatever. Whenever.

Be open for Business all hours of the day.

In the business you specialize in. Be Amazing.

Sparkle.

My Kind of Heros

Today was an exhausting day at work. Offsite and delivering leadership programs. Day just ended at 10:45pm. Start over at 6am-10pm tomorrow.

But I truly love it.

This big day ended with a man who is my hero. My husband. I had an hour long conversation with him on the phone and I hung up and had so much admiration for him. He is taking a few aspects of his life and completely changing them around. Completely. Opening himself up. Trusting, seeking help,building confidences, finding himself, seeking truths.

His new and beautiful office is a symbol of it all. The big plunge.

I  really think he is my hero. No one who has not gone through the things he is right now can ever understand this. I barely understand this. Hubby is completely redefining himself in many ways….what courage and strength to reach even higher than his normal already wonderful reach. And to be very willing to be open about it for those who care.

What a sweet conversation before I sleep. And I am scared too…very very very scared as this all makes me feel so alone. Changes…changing…changes…the feeling like no one gets it.

Nobody but him. Change is hard for everyone with so many doubts and questions and worries. But also hope and triumph and love. It’s hard to know that in a year your husband might me a different version of the man you have loved for 19 yrs and that you know so deeply. Praying his journey will take you with him towards his final destination. Praying there is space for you-praying you have what it takes to support the change. Knowing you both do.

And a second hero today. My colleague from Swiss who I see twice a year very intensely over a week time offsite..every year for the last 7 yrs…April and September and sometimes a nice visit for business to Swiss I make in June.

I just admire him so incredibly much. What he stands for, who he is, what he teaches, how much he loves  and adores his wife and family. I love our relationship together and it is so incredibly precious to me. Its evolution over the years. He totally gets me..and brings out the best in me professionally. Understands me personally and supports me in my endeavors. Helps me grow and blossom under his experienced ,expert watchful and caring eye.

He has always made room for me even so far away and with his full and busy life. Always. And has taught me more than I could ever imagine asking for in a lifetime.  So well-known and in demand in the professional athletics world and puts me on the same scale and playing field as some of his famous athletes in terms of support and guidance! Makes me feel a million times over that I actually have something to teach him. As if.

I am such a lucky, lucky girl.

And when I look at my life all my gratitude is for relationships. All of it. I am a girl fueled by friendship and collaboration and  balanced and deep relationships. I am very very clear in my life right now what I need and what I have to offer. Who can fill those roles and who cannot. Which relationships bring me great happiness in my life withsupport and fulfilment on this journey of life.

Who my heroes are today.

And having come far enough in my own personal and professional development to be in the place I am right now. Enjoying the ride, fastening my seatbelt and awaiting the further journey.

Finally opening myself up to the great grey world of ambiguity and facing it both in my private and professional life with a feeling of anticipation, wonder and with both my eyes and heart wide open.

Good Night World. Whatever/Whenever.
 

 

 

Early Halloween

If you have read my blog for a couple of years you know that Halloween is not a favorite occasion of mine. Well this year I got to experience it early too! Oh joy!

The other day I put aside a full 30 minutes to go to the pharmacy and the goal was to choose makeup that really suited me. I have makeup but I never really put any time into this stuff. My aim was high quality products, natural looking, light but good coverage for imperfections (which are increasing over the years!) and just some good old tricks for the woman over 40 look (god shoot me now ).

So there I am all excited and I see the two cosmeticians with their back to me at the counter at the pharmacy. In general I find girls who work with makeup so pretty. No matter their shapes, sizes or styles their skin is always flawless and their makeup so well applied. Clearly it is an important what “face” they put on for the customer.

Well these two girls who’s faces were not facing from the back seemed fine enough.  One tall and lean and the other plump and feminine. All good. I was so excited so see their pretty sparkling faces and get some good inspiration and makeup advice!!!!

No such luck.

The first turned around and had awful skin. To top it all off she was not wearing one bit of makeup when she should have had every product under the sun to hide her “not so natural beauty”. No offense but if you work in cosmetics…please try to look a bit ok? Just a wee bit? Well I brushed her off pretty quickly and turned to the other girl and said ”Do you work here?”

She turned around and said “YES!!!!” And then I realized she was a clown.

When I say clown I mean like Halloween costume clown. Blush on her cheeks was like massive round patches of red. Lipstick in fuchsia that was applied so thickly it would be hazardous to kiss this girl. Green eyeliner and blue eyshadow like a bad picture of a rainbow on her face. I literally had to stop myself from laughing or crying.

These girls were supposed to help me buy makeup???? Call the police my God!

Well I couldn’t brush her off too or it would be so rude and obvious (why does niceness have to kick in for me during these emergencies?? ) So I let her go through the motions. Show me all the stuff….show me how to get her own “natural look” ya right! I went through the motions and actually listened.

At the end I said-“What days do you work? I don’t have much time now so will come back another time”. She told me Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Note to self come on a Sunday. Better yet go somewhere else and buy some proper makeup.

Don’t get me wrong I believe as strongly as the next that we should not discriminate in jobs-but this is going too far for me. A cosmetician who wears no makeup (and desperately needs some) and a clown????

No. Just simply no.

(Thank You).

Going the Extra Mile

Doing things really really well has always been a quality in people I really really admire. Like when someone does something and looks at every detail, and does it to the level that is totally impressive. Totally goes the extra mile.

I don’t think I have this quality. And if I do, then sometimes and in some situations , and certainly is not present at all times.

Sister Savvy totally totally does. It totally blows me away. When she does something…..she really does something. She does it really really really well. Like when she plans a trip….or starts a new transition in her family….or commits to something in her life she wants to take on…..whatever it is she commits to….is executed seamlessly.

I admire that a ton. And I mean a TON.

I have always benefited from it as a close BFF. I go on nice trips because of her referrals, at get-togethers there are treasure hunts and commercial makings…my kids went to tennis camp at her place. Riding the waves of this success…love it. This blog was even her doing. I was totally anti- blog and now I am only half anti -blog! (and I even have one myself!!)

Last night Beauty received a special delivered package in the mail for Phenomenal Girls weekend which will be a yearly tradition. Me and Beauty and Leah and her daughter Zandra will meet at hotel half way between our houses in Kingston and be phenomenal together. Savvy put together a whole list of stuff for 12 yrs old girls involving mind, body and spirit. Each year it will follow the girls stage of development and will take them into periods, and dating, and university and marriage. The wives of our sons will be included one day too. Did I not tell you she does things well? There will be social, physical, spiritual, academic everything in this weekend. Focused on being a girl/woman and what that means.

There is a book club associated to it and a book to read in the invite, pretty paper, a laminated beautiful poem about being beautiful inside and out by Maya Angelou…….everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And there is even a sticker on each separate envelope!!! And it has polka dots on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!

I honestly can’t even describe how beautiful this package is. I won’t even take a picture of it and put it on here because it is just too beautiful for even that.

And she planned this all. I think I sort of helped with the initial idea a bit but beyond that this is all Savvy. All of it. She told me every year she is going to do this for the rest of the girl’s lives!!!! Every year!!! Thank god I don’t have to take my turn and plan this out as I think it might be a bit of a letdown for the girls to receive a scribbled on post it note in the mail and have an agenda involving them playing in the pool while Savvy and I discuss blogs all day long right????????????

Anyways blew me away with gratitude I tell you.

It has been one hell of a week for me and this just lifted my spirits way up high. Last night when I got home at 11pm after a beautiful evening with friends, but a very long and stressful day of worry with my Uncle in surgery until 8:30pm…this invite was exactly what I needed. Perfect timing.

This part must be read aloud to Savvy’s 5 kids: Do you have ANY idea how lucky you all are??? I bet you do. To have a Mom and SMom like Savvy? This woman knows how to do things well and because of it your lives are going to be rich and beautiful and fulfilled. You will be taught and adored and loved and disciplined and grown and watered with care.

Lucky, lucky lucky you.

And lucky me and my kids too for riding shirttails. Tennis camps and Phenomenal girl weekend, possible missions one day….hopefully reunions one day……it’s just all so lovely isn’t it?

Savvy accesses stuff in me that is there but dormant. I like traditions a lot and do many-she loves them so I focus more on my own and so mine become more deliberate and better. She loves blogging and I like it alot so I end up thinking about it more and loving it more. She is very religious and so I pray through her and she lets me. She tells me things and I repeat them because she is so smart that if she says them they must be true.

At dinner last night a girl I was with was talking about a friend of hers who is a Stepmom and said “I really lost respect for her when she took the daughter to a shopping spree for her graduation…..that is the Mom’s role and she really overstepped her boundaries”

I jumped in and said very directly “There is enough love to go around!!!!!! They can each take her and shop on their own!!!!!!! She is allowed to love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” my poor friend looked at me funny.

Savvy said it…I believe it. That is just the way it goes. She is the smarter one and that is why her name is Sister Savvy.

I look forward to a lifetime of PG. Thanks you from the bottom of my heart for this wonderful and kind gesture my dear. It truly touched me and Beauty on profound levels. I can’t wait to be lifted in October by your thoughtful agenda.

PS-did I mention I love the little round stickers that close the envelopes???

 

 

From my Heart to Yours

Just in case my Uncle (only 8 yrs older than me!!) is reading this tonight before he goes into surgery early tomorrow morning…(and will assume not and follow up with a call!!!)

My heart is for you Uncle Boo (aka Dirtbag Senior).

You got through stage one of this week and now it is stage two…..6-8 hours awake of surgery on your heart I won’t pretend will be easy……will be awfully hard. Know that I and kids and Hubby are thinking of you every single minute of tomorrow and nothing else will matter than your safety and health.

I am certain that you will feel soooooo much better once this is fixed. Looking forward to many many many years of Fall Colors runs and brown bagged lunches made with love by youJ)))

I love you from the bottom of my heart,

Your,

Trinky

Who Do You Think you Are?

In one of the leadership courses I teach at the company I work for, the class is asked to take 7 assessments over the 6 months of courses. Four of these assessments include 360 feedbacks from colleagues, bosses, and direct reports. Others 360 feedback includes friends, spouses and children.

And it always shocks me how shocked the employees are to receive this feedback. Some are angry, some toss it in the garbage…some even cry. Many many are deeply affected in one way or another.

What always stays with me is how differently we see ourselves as human beings than others may perceive us? We live in bubbles…and the close people around us often validate what we think of ourselves (unless they are asked anonymously that is!) . We tend to tell our husbands we are nurturing or our wives we are smart and so they end up thinking of us in that manner. And so our bubbles continues. Then we proclaim to our children that we are wise, or fun, or generous or charitable and so they too grow up agreeing with these adjectives that we use to describe ourselves.

But what are we really? Who are we? Is it our own interpretations of ourselves that matter or the opinions of others? Is it first impressions or long impressions that matter most? Which are reality? All of them? Just one?

A neighbor the other day was describing her brother who I know well and still know well and she said that “ he was one of the strongest leaders she has ever known and the most charitable and generous person she knew on this planet” The words I would descrive him as ?” Introverted, shy and  a bully” I asked my other friend who also knows him well and her three words? “Sexy, Secretive and compelling."

Wide range of adjectives to describe him this man has!!!

Working in a corporate environment we take a lot of pulse checks alot of the time. We get a lot of feedback..all the time. But outside of the corporate environment who takes our pulse besides our doctor? Do we ask enough for feedback and give it often enough? Is it kind to give not only positive feedback but constructive feedback. Is it necessary? Helpful?

One of my daughter’s friends the other day told me that everyone she knows describes her as “nice”. And she asked me what I thought about this? Was it a good adjective or a boring one? She was courageous to want to have this conversation. She asked me for the truth as she said her own Mother said of course being nice was a good thing and everyone should want to be considered nice.

She did not believe her Mother.

I told her my own truth. As a kid and a teen it was not the adjective that I would have aimed for necessarily, but now looking back maybe it should have been. I said in retrospect I think it is a compliment. She and I had a great discussion about this. I told her that the older you get …..the more niceness becomes important (not that I have been described with this adjective my many over my lifetime. I am a lot of things but not sure nice is on my top three-actually I am sure it is not).

I told her that in my opinion niceness was a lovely thing to be and as she got older it would become even more and more important. She also said that one of the reasons that she likes social media lot is that so many people seem to be nicer than in the real world to her. This I could believe and I told her that over the last weeks I have noticed the same thing….people are nice on social media..really nice in general. And that also social media can be mean as people have less filters so I was glad that people appreciated her on line.

Most importantly I asked her how she thought of herself? And also what value niceness had for her-was it high?

She said that she would not describe herself as nice but as “athletic” and that no she did not value niceness and that she thought “sporty” was more valuable. And we talked about the cognitive dissonance that this must cause her in her daily life. That there was nothing in fact wrong with being nice but it was neither how she saw herself or her aspiration. That is two strikes against nice right there.

All that to say-I like it when people get back those reports in my classroom. I love it actually. It is like a four way mirror-unforgiving. And there is nothing like a good realty show is there?

People go around this world thinking that they are one thing or another and having this validation from people who likely live with them. But once they truly and honestly have the confidence to ask others..what their feedback is and sit back for the ride. Listen…really really listen.

I remember myself 8 years ago being one of the students in the same class that I now teach and getting back my 7 reports. I remember one in particular…..completely and utterly alarmed me as my perceptions were so very different that the reality in front of me. That was a wakeup call for me in a lot of ways. And there were not even really big remarks in the report just a whole bunch of little things I did not know….or realize about myself.- just like in the case of pretty much all of the over 150 leaders to whom I have offered this course too.  I remeber crying myself to sleep that night and repressing some of these comments for a long while. I think I did literally throw the report out too!

Fast forward 8 years I now love receiving those reports and they are much more in line with what I know about myself. There is far less of a gap between my own perceptions of myself and others perceptions of me. I now take them every couple of years just for fun and I really really enjoy the feedback I get. I have grown up a lot. I am not fully there in terms of feedback but I am well on my way and a lot closer to my goals of the way I handle it that I was 8 yrs. ago. I am much more aware of my weaknesses and much more accepting of them. Usually what people tell me I am myself working on. Not always though-there is always that blindspot.

For me one of the most courageous things a human can do is ask for true feedback and not just listen to it…but hear it. Seek it…seek to understand it. And ultimately to integrate that feedback into their lives and sense of self. To make changes based on others perceptions-for the better. To not stick to their guns in terms of "this is who I am and I am not changing". I find as I get older...this is something I am trying (not yet succeeeding necessarily) in doing.

A colleague came into my office today and asked me point blank three questions about herself and asked me to be really really honest in my answers..I was ..and it was super hard as I don’t really like her much and so my feedback was not all roses and flowers…..

She took it as a gift. I admired her a lot.

I was about to let her walk out my office door when I caught my error.

I looked at her and said ”Can you answer the same three questions about me?”. I knew it would not be pretty.

I was ready. I could feel my jaw tighten and my fist clench in fear.

She looked at me and said ”Sure. I really want to take my time though and get back to you as I want to really think about it and articulate it so it makes the most sense to you”

And again..I admired her. This girl is on a roll. Good for her.

So tonight it is on my mind. Part of me is a little apprehensive and part of me is grateful. That I have lots of reality checks just waiting for me if I want them as I did today.

I still don’t think "nice" will be anywhere on the list my colleague creates for me-not am I even sure I want to it to be. And maybe actually I do?

What I know is that although four way mirrors like the one I have in my bathroom that I wake up to every morning and look in while I exit the showerscan be depressing, and too truthful and show flaws from all angles. They can also be a great reality check of the things we appreciate and the things we don’t and a great compass towards the directions in which we are ready to go.

What are your three words you use  to describe yourself?

What about asking three people (not in your family) to describe you? What would they be? Ask them for three positive ones and three not so posituve ones.

Do you have the courage to ask? Do you want to know???

Do It. It is good for you.

 

Are We There Yet???

 

Laser Focus has always been a trademark of mine. And of our family. When we commit to something it is 100%. We lean in a lot….to a lot of things…one important thing at a time.

But heck I am getting tired of laser focus! Really.

Our laser focus since June has been having Beauty get prepared and study for the high school exams coming her way in 2 weeks (less than two weeks now-yikes!!!!!) This is the third time around now too since both boys went through this process. And god is it hard.(and I am not even the one to has to increase my general culture by 99% in three months)

So hard to find the discipline to make time for Beauty to study, on top of normal studies and normal life of course. I feel so sorry for the kid. She is handling this like a pro though. Part of why we do this is to see if the child has what it takes to prepare for exam-to see if she can hack it to meet the requirements of the five years she will be there academically.

And we are doing only half of the prep we did for our first child as we know that if you over prepare and it sways results too much, the school may not be a good fit in the end.

But man I am proud of this girl. She certainly deserves her fish!! (her gift if she studies hardJ))) Besides her commitment and discipline I am not sure I have ever seen such clear and clean and beautiful handwriting.

Laser focus for this means that everything comes second especially this month of Sept. My Mom is coming and starting a new tradition tonight  (yup!) “Grammies Night”-where she comes over and cooks dinner and brings it and we all hang out once a month on a school night. Yahoo! It is supposed to include a TV show after dinner…but good old laser focus has to go ruin it and Daddy and Beauty will go study together instead.

So although I believe a ton on laser focus I am feeling two things lately 1) I am tired of it 2) I have too many things in our lives that require laser focus.

And today was just a weird day overall. Everyone and everything is quitting on me lately…I can’t take it anymore. We were all sooo thrilled that Beauty got the BEST grade 6^th teacher ever. Well you know the story…She is so sweet and nice that she went and got pregnant. Like seriously…can’t you wait lady? We liked you (not anymore).

Did get an email today though from an angel….someone kind and sweet and wonderful just out of the blue. That made my day a lot. A TON.

And started my day hand in hand with my man in the sun for a beautiful walk by the water so that was really nice before a crazy, chaotic and hectic day

And tonight going to enjoy Grammie meal…how sweet is that eh?

So I can’t wait until Sept 28 is over and done. But then comes the three other exams (cause we can’t guarantee she will get into first place) of course all on Saturdays before the sun rises. Then of course the dance audition of 3 hrs, then all the open house s for CEGEP for my son for 2 yrs. from now but here we are early looking.

Life is a wild ride.

Laser focus is needed if we want to achieve our dreams. And our kids dreams.

But gosh it takes a lot of energy doesn’t it?

In analyzing my blood pressure today I realized that life in general gives me high blood pressure. Told a friend and she said “Great title for a book!”

 

 

 

Just Joy

 

 

Just Joy

 

(post written Saturday but posted Monday so past tense now)

Weekends bring something really really good out in me. They re-energize me for the week ahead exactly as I assume they are meant to do. Thank God for weekends. I just wish they were longer.

And don’t get me wrong. I love my weeks too. Love my work, our routines and lots of others things. But there are a lot of things about the weeks that are hard too; this year especially as we only have one day carpool and the rest of the days it is us driving. Out by 6:55am or 7:05 am are early starts. And I don’t even have too explain the housekeeper situation…which has made this school year tougher during the weeks (especially that the one we hired 5 weeks ago just left too for a full time job yesterday!!!)  Shit!!! Shit again!

Anyways weeks are good but very very jam packed and full. Lots of work, stress, school and routine.

Weekends however fill up my joy tank..alot.

Today I am grateful for (and the weekend is only half done)

-Kids having plans on Friday nights and all out having fun with friends. Last night Hubby and I found ourselves alone all evening! We had planned a fun chicken wing and coleslaw dinner for kids and their friends and ended up eating 99 cent TV dinners on our own. We were lonely for them ( we like time away on vacations and a planned weekend away here and there) but not too often as weekends only time we have quality time all together), but we were happy for them too..that they were out there growing up and enjoying their lives. It’s a weird stage for that..happy for them but miss them too. Paradoxical feelings about it. Like next weekend Bear has a marathon and will stay back in city one night and already I am sad we won’t all be together Saturday night (I know I am a total wimp). But also happy we will hang out with Chase and Beauty just four. Paradox. The whole teenage stage is. Overall it’s a hoot.

-Ikea. We spent 4 hrs there as a family and had a blast. All three of their rooms are being redone and decorated and we went to start the first steps. We had the best lunch ever. 15 meatballs trio for 5.99 is right up our alley. Yummy. We had such a good time at Ikea and choose most of what we were there for.Chase and I walked (believe it or not!!!) with our arms around each other a good part of the day and had many strangers smiling at us. Bear was all affectionate and kissy and lovey dovey and kept hugging me. And Beauty was super sweet and cuddly too. It was soooooooo nice.

-I tried to suggest a “let’s go to Ikea for Valentine’s dinner every year tradition” but it did not work. Kids said that too many traditions are annoying and let’s stick with the million we  already have. Bear and I however decided to go for an Ikea lunch twice a year anywaysJ

-Lots more shopping at Aubenerie and Bureau en Gros and just leisurely shopping which we never have time to do together. Then milkshakes at McDonalds which was a real treat and everyone bought their own with their own money (also a real treat)

-We had a good social media discussion and I told the kids all the discussions and debates on blogs about it this week. I let them read mine of last week. Their answer in response too: “should I just take the plunge and get connected guys?’” “Do it Mom just like on Supersize your life. Inundate yourself and you will either love it or hate it just like the guy who ate at McDonald three times a day for 6 months and a movie was made about him”

Their guess? I won’t like it a ton, but will like parts (as I love texting, emailing is my life and love I pads and have 8 laptops in the house so am not too archaic!) But as one of them said “you just like real talking too much-you won’t like social media that much..it's cool for teens but a bit lame for "older" people”. They wanted me to start my experiment right away but I told them I just can’t before I have more of a need too…when I publish book or need for career purposes…sometime early 2014. That their rooms being decorated, my work, getting prepared for ski season etc…take priority for now but that I thought their idea was a cool one and that I promised to deliver at a later date and keep them posted (and befriend them on Facebook)!!! hahah. I am sure they are overjoyed about that! I can tweet all about them one day! Everyday!

-Grateful for the cottage cuddles. Only here do  my man and I take a nap as we arrive at 5pm on a Saturday and then have the kids wake us up at 7pm and lie in bed with us. It is heaven.

-Grateful for the beautiful landscaping we arrived too. This week my Hubby hired a guy to put gorgeous natural stone stairs down to the lake and lots of bushes and plants. It is so beautiful and makes the cottage even cozier. What I loved the most is how excited the kids are to arrive and run down and see it. We all share in the bliss about this place.

-My kids are pitching in that is certain. They said that the (second) housekeeper who left was slow anyways and that we would all take a big task on ourselves and forget about her. Bear said he could be a “mean muffin maker” Beauty agreed to make a salad a week and cut up veggies” and Chase said he is very good at cleaning toilets. On top of a long list of chores they have nightly and on weekends they will take this on……god bless their hearts.

-Grateful for homework at the cottage at 7:30-9pm for two of the kids and Bear making dinner with Hubby in the kitchen while I do this blog. For the season two of Modern Family that we just downloaded to start watching tonight and the cuddle on the couch  time that I cherish.

I love weekends. I love my family. I can be pessimistic but very very optimistic too. I love the life we have and the life we have created together. I love the fact that we nurture what we have and cherish what we have as a family and don’t take a minute for granted.

I love the gourmet cracker I just popped into my mouth with hummus and the iced tea that I washed it down with. Grateful for the glass of wine my husband drinks slowly as he prepares dinner and that pleasure he can still enjoy from it despite trying to cut out harder alcohol.

Grateful for next week and the lunch I have planned on Monday with a great friend, the phone conversation with another great friend that same day we have planned and the get together on Thursday night to celebrate a milestone in a friend’s life with three girlfriends.

Joy.

Just pure and simple joy.

Weekends are joy.

 

In ..awe

 

You know those kinds of moments that happen in life where you have absolutely nothing to do with something beautiful that happens before your very eyes. Like you had no influence in it..no hand in it…it just is and happens?

Tonight my daughter impressed me to no end. A number of times in the last 2-3 months I have been thoroughly impressed by the dances she makes up, the videos she creates, the vlogs, the compositions. She is very very talented and creative when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Tonight she took my breathe away. I just kept watching the vlog over and over and over. It was truly a beautiful piece of art.

She was the star of it and it was called “Afterschool Routine” I cannot even describe it as words could not give it justice..the music…the symbolism, the close up on the shoes, the schoolbag, the granola bar being eaten in fast forward…the captions , the expressions on her face…..OMG. It was such a beautiful portrait of the life she is living at 11.5 yrs old. It affected something profound in me…the way she was alone afterschool when she came in. Alone yet so happy. It made me both sad and extremely proud. Her vlog brought out so much emotion in me.

It was at this very moment that I looked at her and saw her future. In multimedia…in movie and commercial producing. It all became clear. The funny thing is that this passion of hers developed completely on her own. Completely. She literally has hundreds and hundreds of these clips she makes about everyday stuff. Making the ordinary..extraodinary

Clips of running to the stop sign at the end of the roads and yelling “chicken”. Versions copying the show “my strange addicitions”

The girl is creative.

At two schools she is applying to in a few weeks for high school she will also apply to  intensive 5 yr dance porgrams.Getting her into the actual school could be hit or miss (probably all ok but soooooo competitive) but the dance programs within the schools is a guaranteed in for her I am quite sure.

At both schools at the open house we started asking about qualifications, experience needed, what the auditions are like etc…and both teachers pretty much looked at her walk across the room and said “she is in” We were shocked as very limited spots and very competitive programs.

When I asked one of the teachers why she said” the way she holds her body, the confidence in her posture, the confidence in herself shines through. She is a dancer”

I am in awe of this complicated, wonderful, smart, beautiful, bossy, assertive, creative, hard headed, sweet (sometimes not so sweet!) little crumpet of ours.

She is a handful this one in so many ways. Close yet distant. Sweet yet sultry. She is a puzzle a lot of the time. Today I realized that she is way way ahead of me in many ways. I will likely spend my life trying to catch up to her creative mind and body. The dancing-the singing-the creating.The photography, the videotogrpahy. All of it. I had honestly never realized this before in such a way.

She never ceases to amaze me. With all her bountiful and colorful sides.

Whenever I feel in awe it so often seems to be in relation to her.

This girl of mine…will be just fine.

I am excited to discover her in the next number of years. Truly I am