Nuances of Power

I was reminded of this word “nuance” today in our team meeting at work.

I like it.

I like that it implies shifts and subtlety. In these last few days I have been dealing with subtle shifts in power which has been quite interesting. It’s fun to watch that as you care less about something the power shifts. You go from being helpless to being in charge and in control.

The nuances of power are in play right now as we speak. Our realtor is meeting with our potential seller about my husband’s potential office and we have gone from truly and desperately caring to a much less desperate state this week.  Third and final offer going out this week; if he does not take it he is simply a fool. And that will be that. The power has shifted. We don’t care as much thank goodness. It was a subtle shift and subtle nuance and I am not really sure how we got here exactly. All I know is that it is a better place to be.

The second power shift has been with my eldest son Chase in the last week. After years and years and years of giving this kid way too much power, for many reasons that seemed to make sense at the time; things have shifted in the last few days.

For the first time ever (thank you God, thank you Dr of mine, than you teenage parenting books, thank you friend advisors!) I feel like I can be a proper parent to this kid in the same way I am to my other two kids.

His power over me, which has always been that I really care about his social life, and if he has fun activities planned, and if he is happy, has come to a raging halt.

And this is a good thing. Trust me.

Because caring too much has prevented me from sometimes tough love and with the particular kid tough love is sometimes needed.

So last night he was widely rude, ungrateful, and disrespectful and completely disregarded authority. And on top of taking away his privileges for today, I went for the cherry on top.

We cancelled his big activity for Friday night that was a social and special  treat for his November break that he was sooooooo looking forward to.

The beginning of his one week off that he had invited a friend to join him in an expensive activity to assimilate surf that we were paying for and going out of our way to bring them to.

Gone. Cancelled. Adios Amigo. Deal with it kid and tell your friend why it was cancelled. Your problem and not mine.

And Hubby delivered the message in a calm and direct way this morning and Chase actually did not take a fit. He sat there and silently took the disappointment.

And low and behold I went to work and did not bat an eyelash.

I do not care.

Did I just say that?? Is it possible? Is it for real?

What an amazing and liberating feeling for me. I think I just lost 10 lbs actually.

And for him a weight lifted too, since all of this is rooted in positive things and me believing in him and his ability to be capable, and make his own plans, and take care of his social life and to function as a good human being would.

Yesterday at one point in conversation when he looked at me and actually started complaining and screaming  in my face and whining that he was annoyed that I was planning his birthday party too far in advance  (even though he asked me too)…I realized that this was my SIGN.

A sign if I have ever had one.

That it was time…to let go. Of caring about that part of his life.

Perhaps he was secretly begging me to finalize setting him free?

Time to give him that big suitcase and let him carry it fully alone.

And he will do it well and gracefully and in his own way.

And as Dr, Bailey was told on Grey’s Anatomy last night  

“And when you let go of their hand you have time for YOU. Time to invent, time to do something amazing. Time to do it in the Dr. Bailey way”.

Here comes Lauren Kate with a lot more braincells about her people.

Claiming it back. Space in my mind and in my heart. Loving him from more of the sidelines and loving myself and the others more front and center for change.

I love you with all of my heart and soul little man. I look forward to you sharing with me the next phase of your beautiful life. I love you fiercely and forever. You are amazing.

Sunglasses

My Sister Savvy and I have always had a thing for good sunglasses. You are not going to catch a cheap pair on either of us. It’s a splurge and each time we see each other usually one of us or both of us has a new pair. Usually from Italy. Ya we are totally spoiled and travel a lot too-but besides that we are both pretty modest and humble people.

(wish I have picture but she has the sunglass ones on her phone!!!)

Well this weekend we used our chic sunglasses for a different reason than the sun. We actually wore them on our walk in the rain in order to have them when we took photos of us so that we looked better. We used them to hide the little growing lines around our eyes and the fact that we look more tired than we did a decade ago. Wearing no makeup and just waking up does not help either!

Our conversations have shifted too. We used to sit around in little bikinis and tank tops and little shorts and talk about what we would name our 6 girls that we would have between us (between us we now have 6 boys and 2 girls). Now we talk about our retirements, how we are going to pay for University of the kids and what type of wedding video we will strongly encourage our daughters to have.

For those of you who don’t already know Sister Savvy is not my real sister but she sure feels like one in so many ways. She is one of my closet, longest, history sharing friends and we have been the type of BFF that has shared many many things together. All the good, all the bad, all the beautiful. We have a good chunk of our relationship lived long distance too-and have done this well. I love her to bits.

And I love that on this weekend we made time for each other and to connect and reconnect, to share and share again. To set the stage for the next big transition of our lives which may require some seriously expensive sunglasses! I love that I connect with her intellectually on so many levels, and emotionally on so many others. I love that it feels like we are at exactly the same stage of our lives even though our lives are very different in some way and so similar in others. And I love that she loves my kids. I love that she invites them to missions, and invites them to tennis camps.

I love her amazing husband and I love her two boys and her three step kids. I love that they all call me “Auntie Tarina”. I secretly most love the CD she makes me every single year and the way she loves poutine.

What I love most about this girl? Is the way that NO MATTER what we always, always find our way back to each other. Always. We are there thick and thin and truly love each other unconditionally.

And the second thing I love about her (ok just as equal) is the Mom and Smom she is. She is in my books…….the very best in so many ways. I love how her stepson sleeps at her ex’s house, I love the way she loves all of her children so much and makes them all feel important and loved always, I love the way she bakes Christmas fudge and does Quiet Elfie. Iove that she loses it on her kids and prays every morning with them. I love the Mother she was and the one she has become. I love that she has made her beautiful life beautiful. I admire the work, the dedication and the tenacity that it has taken to get there. I admire her profoundly as a Mother.

And because of her I have also become a better Mom. She has influenced me greatly. Many of my traditions have been influenced by her, or inspired by her or I have stolen them from her. I copy her shamelessly and this blog is all due to her great idea. She shares her savviness with me and I adore that.

I feel great peace tonight knowing that my kids are all welcome in her home and will get to share a great piece of that mothering pie.  I have always believed that children are better raised by a village and what better village than hers to welcome and ground them through the turbulent years. I intend to make this happen…..thanks so much for the invite!

And I love the fact that even though my husband and I are not very religious… she respects that that she prays for us and our pursuits graciously and honestly and willingly. She prays for us when we need her too without asking any questions-and we appreciate that so incredibly much. Whenever I need a boost or my family needs her-she keeps us in her hearts and her prayers and that is an amazing friend for sure.

So it was a great weekend at Trent just us girls. And I look forward to the many years ahead of us as we continue on our own road of blending the most important pieces of ourselves, our life transitions and our families.

And I will always eat poutine for her, and change my outfits many times for her, and feed her yummy desserts, and talk and talk on couches, and open my mind, and my eyes. And especially try my hardest to be better, and wiser and brighter, and better a Mother-for her and because of her.

This weekend was yummier than the best red velvet vanilla cupcake.

I hope for her I was as good company as her hotdogs and poutines:)

What Will Replace Worry?

If you know me there are a few things you know for sure:

I plan a lot

I work a lot

I worry a lot

I love a lot

I deliver a lot

I constantly have major projects, or many, succeeding or failing somewhere

Anyone who knows me well knows that my brain never really shuts off any given minute of any given day or night. They all joke that I likely make about 10 cents an hour of salary since  my mind works 24 hrs a day. I wake up having solved big dilemmas; I seem to be connected to the collective unconscious. I take many physical mental breaks, but very few mental ones. Give me a problem and I will figure it out. It’s how I am wired.

Or so I thought.

One of my fundamental beliefs in life has been to ask for help when you need it. Especially from professionals and expert of mentors. It has been the cornerstone of any success I have had in my own life.

Being vulnerable and asking for help when needed. Lately I am even getting better at asking friends for help, which has been more of a struggle for me.

Thus why about ever 6 months I go to the psychologist I saw for a year at a particular difficult time for what he calls “a tune up”.

And man does he tune me up in an hour.

Behavioral Cognitive therapy. After being though many other different types and also counseling and studying on many other types-nothing in my books even comes close to the effectiveness of this method.

So as I sat there last night sharing some of my decisions that I had made on the park bench in front of the lake (some by the way are looking more impossible by the moment and are frustrating and bringing me to tears but I feel like I can’t back down).

Back to the point of the couch vs. the bench: There I am at the psychologist sharing about feeling finally believing that I can totally give up worrying about one of my kids because I am officially driving myself crazy and he says:

“Why do you think worrying about a problem helps a problem?”

What an excellent question!

I have never even considered a life without worry.

Worry and stress dictate action correct?

If I don’t worry about something, I won’t get the desired outcome right?

“Worrying is a bunch of wasted energy.”

How do I stop doctor?

“Just stop it and don’t worry anymore”

Just like the video Stop It!!! That I teach to our entire leadership organization and that my intention for years has been to write a book on one day called Stop It!!! (Don’t steal my title now I know it will sell!)

So I just need to stop worrying is that what I should do?

“Yes you should”

Well ok then. This sounds simple enough. I will stop worrying. About anything really.

Now keep in mind he explored why I think and believe worrying is necessary. This comes deeply rooted in early early childhood and into adolescence and into adulthood where I had one parent very very ill my entire life who at any moment I perceived could be dead at the end of a day. I felt my whole life that I am a pillar. I keep things standing up and upright. And worry helps me have this strength and capability to do so. So far it has worked well for me. I figured I kept him alive for more than 70 yrs….that’s a strong pillar isn’t it?

Apparently not anymore.
I loved a few things he said and I will remember then forever.

“Keep being the amazing parent you are-just be a different kind of parent to him now. He has to learn to worry too-just like you did, and have the chance to realize how useless it is on his own. He will share more with you, as you worry less about him, as he will understand that you can handle him sharing. It’s time to listen differently to him”.

Aww…music to my ears

 

So my question for myself now is “what will take the place of the worry”?

If I just STOP IT. What will I START?

Two Heads are Better than One

Ya things over the last few months are really shaping up for me and my Honey. Not that anything was ever wrong before but we are just getting really into the groove right now and really feeling good both alone and together it seems.

I think one day we will be good at the empty nest when it happens.

Meeting for drinks after work while the kids fend for themselves at home with homework, escaping for a 2 week holiday very soon and looking forward to every single minute together, committing to two 2hour walks per day on the gorgeous ocean, getting all excited about his new I-Pad and my new I-Phone that we will both be getting really soon.

Planning out exactly how we are going to buy something really big that is not even for sale (we already planned the celebration because we know we will make it happen) Join us for Martinis anyone???

Just finding ourselves in great routines of togetherness, aloness, parentness and partnerness. It is all making sense lately.

He is getting better at controlling the annoying habit that often takes over our lives and I am getting better at being less annoying in general.

We talk a lot, we cuddle more, and we are kinder to each other.We are more on the same cycle, have more of the same expectations.

I am damn proud we have been through 16 yrs. of marriage and still going strong. Many ups and downs and obstacles have come our way, but we pull through. We make it…we make it work. We stick together.

He will always be my partner in crime. People joke to me lately that if I want a baby I need to go to a sperm donor-but I realize that is impossible because I want his babies and no one else’s (and I am clearly not getting any nor do I truly want anymore of them in reality).

He is the most amazing father. And what I love best is that he grows into this role everyday. He becomes more amazing as their Dad and constantly adapts and changes to what they need and what he has to offer them. He is a work in progress and a fine peice of art.

This guy and I are as different as night and day in every single way but we both value and cherish the same things. Family, Career, Friendships.Cottage.

The way I can sum it up is that we have set each other up well in case something happens to each other. We go beyond each other. My priority is to make sure that with or without me he is more than ok. He does that same for me. We try to make sure there are plenty of people to love and who love us. That’s how much we love eachother.

These last few days I am fighting for this guy..fighting for his future and his dreams. Trying to help him achieve what is usually not possible. Trying to attack an opportunity from crazy and weird angles. Shhhh..we have a secret.

And it is working. Not because of me. Not because of him,. But because of both of us together. Exactly where we belong.

Brains and Bebe

It’s so weird that people around me just keep having babies! They won’t stop!!!

Babies-babies and babies. Seems to be the hot topic around me lately.

And it is funny because for years no one talked about them. I seemed to be the only one concerned with formula vs breast milk, and how many times my kids would wake up during the night, and if Maxi sold good quality baby clothes or not.

Now this is what I talk about pretty much most days of the week with most everyone I know.

Take for example my financial advisor who I went to high school with who is 42 yrs. old. He is having his first child in 3 weeks! Sitting there with him over lunch I realized we have shared so much (our childhoods, our teenage years, my financial portfolio) but he is having a new baby and I have a teenager and two tweens!

It’s amazing where life takes you.

And to look back and think about how you got there.

And to look at the direction and paths you have chosen.

I realized just the other day that I am 41 yrs. old and still have many many career years ahead of me. In about 5 yrs, travelling for my job won’t be an issue anymore or childcare while I am away. I had all 3 kids so young that really anything is possible now (or more accurately in about 5 yrs) for me career wise.

I compare myself to many people I know my age who’s career is now sort of pretty much over since they are just beginning to have babies. Mainly for women in these cases, there years with children up until the teens yrs. their career will be very limited in terms of what they can do, where they can travel, unless they have a spouse at home taking care of the children and managing the home.

So it’s a weird feeling to sit and talk about babies. In most ways I am so glad I had three and so glad that period of my life is over. In other ways I miss it-it’s a magical time of life and part of me grieves it too.

No exotic trip, no big purchase, no new school, new job, new computer or new Iphone 5 comes even a tad bit close to being as exciting a s a new baby being born and hearing about it as an audience. It’s as if when all your babies are born and healthy and partially grown up…what is left to really talk about exciting?

Many many many things I believe. And you probably do too. But I can bet my life that most those around you would rather see a new born picture than renovations of your new home.

That baby smell, that little body, those little gap sneakers have a way of just getting us at the core like nothing else does.

For me nothing even comes close to the excitement of a new life. Getting that call if it is a boy or a girl? What is her or his name? And imagine: I am not even a baby lover. Or a dog lover for that matter. Imagine the people who actually adore babies?

So it’s an interesting stage of life this is and one of wisdom and I am enjoying the ride of my forties very much so far in awe and wonder of a different kind. Trying to navigate and figure out:….if it is not the baby in my arms that will be exciting, if it will not be my low rise jeans, if it will not be my child’s first day of kindergarten, if it is not my girl being born after two boys, if it is not my cute flip-flops paired with a cute dress with a big belly and my doting husband admiring the life we have created together, or the excitement of my baby shower or my sweet wedding dress, or the tingling feeling of being kissed by  a new boy…

Then what exactly is it?

I am slowly but surely finding out and discovering what to get myself and others excited about.

And realizing that my intellect (to a certain degree) is what has been hiding out in the closet for a while. I have pulled part of it out and most of it out  often over  the years and used it frequently and lavishly….but there’s a whole lot more in there waiting to be accessed….and it is powerful.

So I think my intellect ,and not a baby….is what is going to take me places over the next two decades.

And I intend to make this very, very exciting. And talk about a whole lot of babies along the way.

Because the sweetest part of life has always been, is, and always will be having had those babies . It will define me-and my couple-and the family we have created beyond anything and everything  that has come along the way. It belongs to us and makes us who we are. My husband and discussed last night that nothing has ever made us prouder than being parents to those three miracles. They are by far our biggest accomplishment.

And now it’s time to even it all out, with a cherry on top and a whole lot of fudge sauce.... with a bit and a  whole lot of intellect.

Just for fun.

(Bring on the glasses baby and a nice tight bun for my hair).

Decision Day:

There’s a bench by the Lake near where I live near a beautiful park and overlooking some gorgeous historical sites. When my Dad died we almost named a park bench after him…but decided to do things differently in the end.

I associate these lake benches with my Dad (the good parts), my childhood, God and prayer in many ways. When I sit on them and look out to the lake….all that is good comes to me. I often sit there and make big decisions or wish for things or think of important things. I guess it is my form of praying..although the person who I believe in charge ultimately…is me. So praying to me.

So today Oct 22 was an important day on that bench. I made 4 big decisions in about 3 minutes. I can’t even believe that I dragged my ass out of bed super early this morning and walked my daughter to school to get to that bench after being at Laronde late last night for a Halloween celebration with a bunch of our friends and their kids.

Decisions: (when I publically acclaim something you can me sure I will follow through)

Number 1-My husband is getting that property to own that he wants to move his office into. That is certain and the deal will be sealed by December 31^st. He is so ready and deserving and we will make this happen for him. Watch out Buddy-here I come!

 

2-I am coming into full circle with one of my kids. Believing in him, his capability, letting my worry and anxiety go on many levels that I use an excuse for many other things in my life that need worrying about. My husband and I are deciding as of today that we are doing things differently. No more scapegoat. Things are changing around here. We are setting him free from our own limitations we have set for him that have nothing to do with reality, and he is more than ready and capable.

 3-I am going for it at work! Reaching for the high fruit in my present job over the next number of years and then planning ahead for after that and beyond. I am going for it-and going to bring my current job to a whole new level of passion, excitement and be doing some amazing things for the company I work for (and myself).

 4-I am going to keep secretly believing in my oldest brother, as hard as he is making that for me right now. I am going to keep having faith that he is going to put things back on track. I still believe.

So there it is people!

And along with this I am more mindful also because of Sister Savvy’s post this week. I am talking it all in and enjoying the constant beauty surrounding me.

And along with that putting up with the crap and forgiving myself for all the naughty things I do and the bad decisions I make (aka: screaming many many times this weekend "shut up" to the kids in loud and angry tones, thinking all my family are idiots in my head most of the weekend, going to Laronde right before final exams and my kids too dizzy to sleep, not being able not to burn a frozen pizza, and skipping my workout this morning at the gym because I am being "naughty" and enjoying the hell out of it.).

TGIF Continued

What do the following have in common?

Leaving a bit earlier from work

No clean up or chores

Stopping at the Dep for a treat, or a samosas in Beauty’s case at the dep, or a cupcake in my case

Not getting anything done on the "home domestic to do list" that you intended to do

Shutting the blackberry off or leaving it at the bottom of the purse

Chatting for an hour with one of your BFF’s on the phone about nothing and everything both wrapped up in our individual homes in big blankets

Deli chicken wings and frozen fries for dinner

Watching Survivor and eating at the coffee table

No homework

Writing a blog in a relaxing way

The kids having enough time to prepare a haunted house all together without us telling them to hurry up and get to bed.

Friday Nights. Love them. Always have and always will.

A colleague of mine reminded me recently of how much emphasis I used to put on them when the kids were growing up. Pizza and a movie every single Friday night….a great family ritual.

Then they got a bit older. And more friends were involved..And they started to be invited for pizza and a movie at the neighbors…and then we would go up to to the cottage on Friday nights early more and more often...

And somewhere along the way we had about 5 yrs. of Fridayless nights LSomehow we started worrying about our kids and their friendships and starting encouraging them to be out instead of in..where ultimately they belong. With us if they wanted to be. We let them down for half a decade....

And then he reminded me of that tradition, that Swiss colleague and commanded me to bring it back. And so I listened to him as I so often do and I did. I welcomed them back into that special Friday night tradition.

So now our Friday nights are for anyone who is home. You can come. You can bring a friend. You can be here. Or not be here. Sometimes we are just Hubby and I and sometimes we are all 5 and sometimes we are us with 8 kids bc each has a friend. Sometimes we leave for the cottage at 9pm and sometimes we indulge in it and don’t.

But you can count on a treat, a cuddle, a haunted house, some trumpet practicing in your ear, no blackberries, some yummy food, some caffeine free diet cokes, a good well deserved martini and a whole lot of people falling asleep on the couch together after a busy week.

Happily Spent is what comes to mind

I always, always want my kids, my teens and my one day young women and men big kids to know that Friday nights we always want them with us. And when we are really old our grandchildtren too. I have no intention of letting my kids move anywhere out of my neighborhood ever. Harvard?? No way! Pizza night remember ? (funny thing is I am totally serious)

They are always WELCOME. And should feel no guilt if they are not here either. Friday nights are full of choice.

And they will always have somewhere to hang out.

With us. Just like Halloween. Just like Valentine’s day. We share our holidays with our kids.

We may not be the coolest friends ever, but we love them more than any friend ever will. These years are so ultimately precious.

I am glad I stole back Friday nights. Gotta go eat some chicken wings, pumpkin cookies, fries And Halloween special of Jesse. After that I have a date to fall asleep on the couch with my boy and my girl and my girl’s adorable friend with her new braces and glasses. And then be woken up by my teen at 10pm to go in the car, pick him up from his friend’s house, and pray I don’t have to go in to meet the Mom since I will most definitely be in my Pajamas!

One of those weeks....

TGIF ( aka: thank God it's Friday)

Some Innocent Wisdom:

“This too shall pass” Who said this wise thing?

I did when I was about 26 yrs old and was talking to my husband’s sister about her two teenage boys and  who was struggling  with their high school marks, and studies and teenage issues.

I looked at her straight in the face and told her it would all turn out just fine.

I was 25 and was pregnant with my first son at the time. The innocence of ignorant bliss!

To actually think that changing diapers and breastfeeding was even an ounce as difficult as the bigger issues that  would lay ahead. Physically, baby stage much harder but emotionally…not even close. Both distinct periods with distinct challenges. Lucky us to get to experience both if you look at it positively.

But I knew back then what I should know now. It’s all just a phase. The days are long but the years are short. Blink your eyes twice and they will be finished college and married (you hope and pray).

So I remind myself of that bit of wisdom I so graciously provided..that my sister in law to this day many many years later repeats back to me and reminds me that I said that.

And I close my eyes shut, and unclench my fists just long enough to ponder if I want these phases to pass by as quickly as possibly because of how hard they are..or if I want to bask in every hard but delicious moment before I am an empty nester wishing these moments back again.

And I find myself praying a lot lately even though I am not really religious,and don’t really know exactly what I am seeking exactly either.

Teenage years are hard. And blissful too.
(maybe they are making me crazy)?

Magnetic

The older and wiser I get the more I believe the secret than many wisemen (or woman) have been telling me for years.

The more clear you are on what you want, the much higher chances you will get it.

And boy is this true.

So start living into your goals, your objectives, and your dreams. If you are single and you want to find a husband, shout it from there rooftops and list the 10 qualities you won’t do without, if you are looking to move into a new home tell everyone you know and soon your dreamhouse will appear on the market, if you want to adopt a baby tell all your friends and colleagues and soon a baby will be born that is perfect for your family (or they may decide to give your their own child!), if in your career you want that next move make it happen by piecing together all the missing links and asking for it directly.

When we have clarity-we are like a magnet. We attract what is deserved by us.

 Most of us attract the wrong things because we are unclear…but as soon as we take that leap and make things clearer first to ourselves and then secondly to others, watch your life spin literally right into the direction your were hoping for.

Seriously. I promise.

So shout it out! Get Bold! Be clear! Don’t sell yourself short! Ask for what you need! Be confident!

And do it often! Over and over and over again! Don’t assume anyone was listening (or caring) the first time!

Shout louder!  Make some serious noise!

D’etre Coquin

This expression came to mind the other day as I played the same tune over and over again in my car..something about a girl wanting the boy to come and mess up her bed with her.

In English the closest translation would be something around being teasing, mischievous, flirty and sweet. We don’t really have an exact word for “coquin” in English because from my view French woman are a lot less uptight that your regular ways of the Anglo-Saxon (don’t worry I am English and not French too!)

I remember my Hubby’s biggest fear of marrying an English girl was exactly this….that I would somehow not be as daring or as spontaneous and mischievous and those French women he has always been with. The fact that I rarely drink alcohol went and goes super against me in his books…. (to him this is truly a weakness of mine and I get that..it must be so darn boring to drink alone so often).

Also he likes tight jeans and high heels (a Quebec speciality that I have not mastered).

But overall despite being sober and wearing Uggs….I am very coqin. Sometimes incredibly coquin actually if I want to be and I think my husband really appreciates this about me.

So as I listened to that tune, I became really sad however because I realized that coquin has a lifespan and a time in your life and that within 6-7 yrs max for me this stage of my life will pretty much be over.

Something about that girl wanting her blankets to be messed up by a boy reminded me of me. The way she sang it, said it suggested it. That is really who I am..”Come have fun with me and who cares about the messy bed” Ok so in my married and three kid’s state it is not about a bed, but likely more about other things. “Come to my very appropriate couples dinner party, have a blast, wear what you feel cozy in, bring most the food, get tipsy, mess up my house, serve yourself whatever you wish, snuggle with me under a blanket boy or girl, forget the dishes bc that is a waste of our precious time together, let me hug you like crazy the things I love about you, and send you home with a doggy bag of food for the next morning. And okay feel free to go upstairs and see my unmade and messy bed bc quite frankly….I don’t give a fuck. I would rather spend and extra 10 mins with you than to worry about the way my bed looks”

There you have it. Moi.

And that is Coquin as far as I see it. Nice but mischievous. Proper but not always and not necessarily often either.

But it made me sad that to think that in about 6-7 yrs I would not have the looks to match this. For some reason in my mind coquin looks youngish. Coolish. Stylish. Yummyish mommyish. Sorta of like me and all my just turned forty friends. We don’t wear My Mother’s Jeans (yet). We are cool enough (or so we think) and plenty of boys still look at us in the corridors at work (we hope). Although bikinis may be on their way out for us in the last 12 months or so….we wear cute dresses and tall boots or sweat pants and ugg boots with little tank tops and our hair in ponytails. We may not look as great as a decade ago..but we still look good (we think). We wear Spanx but noone sees it anyways so who even cares. Yes we are rounder, have more celulite, have  a wee bit of face fat......but we still believe we are cool so doesn'tconfidence count for something anymore???

If we flirt or are mischievous we come across as still somewhat ok (I think). We are not over the hills yet and we don’t bore our husbands to death (half the time anyways).

But I found it sad to think of a time that is closer than I would like when I will not have this trait anymore to depend on. Instead it is more likely I will be wearing Depends. How will I navigate my life, my career, being a Mom, being a wife, having dinner parties….if I am not cute, adorable, mischievous, flirty, sexy or coquin?  Or at least be convinced that I am? Each year I seems to get worse and worse. What is it about forty that is Fabulous again? Is it that I am supposed to be smarter and wiser? Yuck! No thank you. BORING!

And don’t give me that bull about seniors being every bit as sexy. I don’t think soo….and yes I know that I am only 41 and have a way to go, but still…..it seems all downhill in the coquin department as of now and onwards no?

So as I played that song and heard about her messy bed and blankets, I realized that while I still have it I have to access that part more in myself and build on it. Somehow I am just not ready to move on from it.

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

So Hubby…I will try…I will try..to like more wine ok????? If I must I will wear my skinny jeans with high heels and not clunky boots just for you-possibly. Maybe in the dark in our room where none can laugh at me or the fashion police can put me in jail.

But what I promise with all of my heart is that our time together, our moments, our conversations, our cuddles, our chats will always be more important than a perfect made bed like the one we saw this weekend at our friend’s house. It is just not us..it is just not me. I will solemnly promise you never to make our kids make their beds and praise them most days of the week for living in the moment.

D’etre coquin. Let’s try and make it last as long as possible. Together. The whole bunch of us.

I Just want to Smell like a Banana

It’s been years that I have had this dream. It’s just not the same when it is shampoo or lip balm somehow.

The real banana smell comes from a body wash. To really get to smell like a banana you have to have it frothed all over you in suds.

How sad that the Body Shop has excluded this yummy scent from the other 100 fruits they seem to promote.

What a loss.
How uncreative.

And it’s not just any banana I want to smell like –it’s a Body shop Banana. On nights like this where my kids have had all sorts of crazy events happen this weekend to them and I feel like the world is heavy and on my shoulders yet again…I think that maybe writing a banana complaint letter, just might do the trick. And take my mind of real worries for a while too. Perhaps?
Parenting is just so damn hard. Having the goal to smell banana like seems so much easier somehow. Very achievable.

Maybe it is because I am allergic to bananas (cooked ones anyways) that I want to smell so much like one?

Maybe it is because when I was 17 yrs old this really nice guy told me that the way I smelled so sweet would stay with him forever (and I had used banana shampoo)?

But I don’t know. More so I don't even care where this need comes from. As I sit here this week night after night putting on the amazing tangerine, grapefruit, mango and lime moisturizers and body washes that I for my birthday..although I am grateful..I am also disappointed.

That still..still…I don’t smell like a banana.

Plenty

I spent a day at Trent this week with a really good friend and the word “plenty” came to mind.

More than anyone I know this woman has taught me some important life lessons along the way, and yesterday was no exception. I left the day (and sleepover) understanding that friendship and connection in some cases have a lot more to do with quality than quantity.

This particular friendship for me is based very much on this notion. I am convinced that if moving forward I would have this kind of day, with this kind of friend once a year, we would be every bit as connected and close. It’s a unique relationship and I treasure it.

We spent the day often outside with 3 walks in 24 hrs in the country air, we say by the fire reading blogs and discussing them, talking and reading. We tried to figure out how to turn on the TV and failed, and had a big soak with spa music and candlelight in the Jacuzzi. She cooked for me my fave meal, and I cooked for her. I fed her cupcakes.

And we helped eachother make some big decisions about career and our short and long terms plans.

And we talked loads about friendship and our expectations of friends. Our boundaries. If we expect to much from others? Expect too little? Get what we need? Ask for what we need? Give what is needed? Give enough?

I figured out plenty yesterday and this morning about life, my work my friendships, my priorities and my expectations. And I think she did too.

It was a wonderful and indulgent day filled to the brim with abundance, beauty, understanding and communication.

Friends like her…may not come by in life often….may not stay long enough..may be complicated..

But theses moments are plenty.. And I have ever confidence that this particular person will be there for me across the world wherever she may be, with whatever backpack on her back as President of the United States or volunteering her time in a hospital….if I let her know I need her.

And wherever she is-whatever she tells me to do if I ask her advice or she just gives it anyways-she knows that more than likely I will listen to her.

She is plenty.

Abundance

 

This was the word my husband gave me as a gift this year.
It was utterly romantic and sweet and touching.
He symbolized it with a charm to add to my bracelet. A little shell with a mother of pearl inside.
He said I was the center of abundance in our lives. The center of our happiness.
I got my own word. Yay.

Whose bday is it today?

Moi.

Not the big party it was last year (or parties that is). I guess will have that again in another nine years. However plenty of moments to remember of bday stuff and general long weekend of thanksgiving.

Don’t ever want my blog to be too blah..blah..blah..so here is the summary of what is going through my mind on this special day:

My absolute favorite part of today was coming home from work at 6:30 and seeing my family dancing as I came in the door to one of my favorite songs “Call me Maybe”. Music blaring, in a line all four, then they turn around and each have a sign on their backs spelling “We love you tons!!!!” Blaring turned up to the max took my coat and grabbed me and had me dance with them on the coffee table and all of us together.

I actually cried believe it or not. (I don’t really do stuff like that). It made me feel….just so loved.

Wishes:6 wishes one for each at 11:11-so sure they will all come true: pain free and boyfriend for her, office and continued positive path for him, same amazing track for him, best school for her, coming into his own and continuing sweetness for him. Two bestselling books for me. Beauty gave me 5 more wishes with pennies on an envelope….so really 11 in total.

Great gifts! Yes. Top of list Zach and him getting to keep his health (thank God!), Mom’s amazing surprise bag and pink grapefruit cream, 17 new books bought at full price, bracelet from Mikonos, horse notebook for wishes, my own candy poster! Fudge and beautiful candles! Little expensive maroon cookies! Laffy Taffys just for me!!! A new charm for Links of London-symbolizing abundance! Party of Five seasons!

Experiences-bring them on! Lunch with little Shelley (so niceJ) , amazing day ahead at Trent, lunch with Sweetheart and Holiday later this week, Trent with Savvy soon!! Loblaw’s cake and Mommy Dearest with Mom and clan., curry chicken and pressies with Family of Five, Villa with Wonder and basking in sweetness of Soulekeepper and her babes upcoming and takeout.  Special calls from sista and bro and lots of friends and family. Beautiful Indian dinner and cupcakes and dances. The table set just so with the birthday basket. Kisses and hugs from my family. Beauty and bonding. Hubby and closeness. As I read this I realize I am spoiled! And loved!!!
 

Grateful: for life, for health, for my career, my family, my wonderful husband. For being able to say yes, and no, and get the chances I do every day to live out my dreams. For having begun a journey of a lifetime, and get to see my kids grow, and for holding on to the sentiment that “you can do whatever you want in life”. You can beat the odds, and make your life happen. And for never ever taking a single moment for granted.

Grateful for being invited to new places, and being loved, and re-establishing connections where they have been broken.

Mostly-for knowing where my priorities are and having the strength to stick to them.

Because really you all give me so much inexplicable joy in those priorities and those moments. It's easy to have laser focus with all of you around.

Those moments-they mean everything to me. And I intend to live a whole lot more. With you.

Time for Kind

In the last week I have noticed how I have felt when people around me have showed kindness to me. I have also noticed how I feel when I show kindness.

Overall it feels really good.

Sometimes I stop and think” If I did not work as hard as I do and have as busy of a life as I do-I would have so much more time for kindness now wouldn’t I?”

And then I tell myself what an idiotic selfish thought that is. It’s simply an excuse.

No one should ever be too busy for certain things-especially to be kind. Kindness comes for your heart and when you feel it is sort of like breathing-you can’t really forget or get too busy to do it. You just need to.

And that is why it is so important to receive from others…because sometimes it is hard to breathe on our own and kindness can help us.

It’s important to give it freely and often because then we remind ourselves of our gentle hearts and that they are still there.

My goal is to be kind as often as I can to the people I love, and even to the ones I don’t. It doesn’t always work out that way-but at least the thought was there right? And I found myself swell with pride this week where five different people told me in different words how much something I said or did (all little but important) meant to them.

Sometimes I wish I had a full time job that made me be kind all the time. But then I know I would bore myself to death so am happy for my own job where I get to be kind and not too bored both at the same time.

And I have been taught to be kind by many good teachers. I have been lucky enough to be loved by many, to be forgiven by some, to be doted on and listened too. I have been the proud recipient of people dropping their own lives for mine when I or a loved one has been in crisis; I have had friends that are like family, and people who would raise my kids in a heartbeat.

I have colleagues that are good friends, and men that are my buddies. I have a husband that loves me in unmatched pyjamas and kids who still want to hang out with me. A Mom who wraps all 20 little b-day gifts in pretty paper because she knows it will please me.

But most of all life has taught me to be kind…because it has been kind to me. And from that place of gratitude, I have slowly but surely learnt how precious and invaluable it is to show tiny acts of kindness to the people we love. No matter how busy or preoccupied we are, or how stressed or how not right the moments can be to squeeze in anything extra. To squeeze in niceness to our already overpacked schedules.

Because when all is said and done, we will all be judged and judge others not by what people say…but by what they do. And kindness is a verb and needs to be acted on and not only spoken of.

Being kind is a gift to both parties. It’s required really to feel human in this what sometimes feels like a totally crazy life.

 

PS sometimes it's also fun to be really mean too...but that is a subject for another post entirely.

Pyjamas at the Table

Memories of my Dad. As I mentioned he was not a disciplinary type at all. I pretty much bossed him around and disciplined him most of my life, which is an odd thing for a kid to do I know.

That being said there were a few times where my Dad stood up to the plate and told me what to do. And these few times imprinted themselves is my memory powerfully.

When I was about 17 yrs. old he told me that it was rude to wear pyjamas to the dinner table.

You cannot even imagine how weird this sounded coming from my Dad. No discipline or direction most days, no table manners himself, no caring of table manners. I was very surprised he even noticed what I wore or did not wear.

But it has a big impact on me. From that day forth I have been very conscious about my decision to wear pyjamas to the table. (YES I AM A REBEL)

(for all you soft parents out there who think no discipline is what your kids crave-trust me, wake up and smell the coffee, it makes a child feel incredibly insecure and lost. Step up the commands, the time outs, the direction and the clearer more direct voices and stronger opinions and your kid will feel a whole lot better. Kids are not looking for a gentile friend; they are looking for a confident parent who is in charge and capable. There is something immensely comforting in knowing that your parent will ultimately tell you what to do since you as a kid have no clue and need someone to tell you “no”)

So despite my feelings of respect that my Dad did not think that it was polite to wear pyjamas to the table (I think he forgot the next day anyways since he never mentioned it again)…I still do wear them. Pretty much every night.

And so does my husband. And often my three kids. And we love doing this.

The other night I looked at my husband in our warm pj’s and with blankets around our shoulders eating outside together on a crisp fall evening on the patio…and thought “look how sweet we are”.

This is part of our family brand, our signature style. Pyjamas are part of what makes us who we are.

Over the years I have tried to improve my pyjamas style. Tried to make them more stylish or better fitting, or more attractive, or fashionable. I have tried to buy super expensive lounge wear, and very flattering workout bottoms that I pair with pyjama tops. Somehow though….I always go with the most comfy and actually more homely ones. And so does my husband . And so do my kids.

It’s like a bit of a beauty rebellion. All of us by day look pretty well put together  and fashion concious (I think) but by night we come into our own like vampires and wear striped with polka dots and ill-fitting dumb clothes. We don’t care what is too big or too small because all that matters is the coziness and comfort of it. We don’t need to impress each other after work or at the cottage. We just come as we are and with what we have. And if that means a t-shirt three sizes too small and big fluffy red socks then so be it.

If ever I have an affair (which I won’t) I would need to get some serious new pyjamas!

I think I love my husband and my kids most in their pyjamas. And I think they prefer me this way too. Au natural to the extreme. Unrecognizable to the images we portray to the general public. We save our eccentricities for family.

So thanks Dad for your strong opinion. I truly valued it and cherished it all these years and strongly considered your point of view. That being said I realize that I am at my best with a comfy bra on, no earring, no ring, with an oversized sweatshirt, a tiny t-shirt and big fluffy socks with my hair in a scrunchie and I want to stay this way.

Somehow being in PJ’s at the table……makes home….home just like when I was a kid. Feels good.