Musical Words to my Ears

“When you walk into a room pretend they all adore you”

You know those quotes that change your whole life? This one did for me. And below it in the magazine I read it in it said that it had changed the life of a well-known person too. I can see why.

For me it is about a room full of people. A family a husband. A friend.. An enemy. I will write a whole blog on it one day soon..but wanted to write it down short and sweet before I forget it.

And then a lovely text from my Soulkeeper (she won’t care if I write what she wrote I know that..)

She is just so beautiful. So graceful. So damn evolved.

“I never want you to do anything out of guilt or obligation in our relationship that would go against the integrity of our relationship. If something is not good for you then ultimately it is not good for me because it would come from a place of guilt and our relationship is so above that..I want us to commit forever to being honest with each other and honest with ourselves in our relationship”

And the best part of this lovely morning text? There was no situation or conflict. And nothing wrong. Just words of wisdom for our friendship in general.Just a gift. Free. No strings attached. Just a simple gift. Underserved really.

“And be honest with ourselves in our relationship…”

Have I really ever been honest with myself entirely? Never mind another human being? Have I 100% and fully??? 99% is just not good enough.

We have been friends forever since high school and super super close (with a big unfortunate break in between when we were still connected but not half as close for some years). Her Mom died tragically when we were late teens. I will never ever ever forget it.

I always tell her  that her Mom somehow made her into an angel for the rest of the living world to delight in. For her to save. And I truly, truly, truly believe this. Thank you Catherine.

This girl is like a moral compass to me. “V”  She is where I want to be in my life. And lucky me I have her steadily and warmly holding my hand as I try desperately to get there.

This kind of text moved me to no end. It felt so damn good to have a moral compass provided to me on a silver platter. Something that had never occurred to me at all…was given to me..no strings attached. And I am not sure I have ever felt this liberty or freedom as I did reading this today.

I felt peaceful. Ahhh...

Happy Friday!

(It is pouring buckets here but I have a truck full of 7 people 7 hrs.  away I love on their way to see me and my family and that is way way more important than any rain or sunshine).

Adrenaline and Me

It’s funny often I play this game in my head at work when people give an important speech or presentation…that I look at them and wonder” does your family know this brilliant side of you?”

Those same people I see at the family days with their kids and the Christmas parties struggling to get their two year olds on Santa’s lap. Dressed in jeans and baggy sweatshirts. I think in my head yet again as I see their wives and husbands by their side “do you know how amazing your partner is, how charismatic, how wonderful, how smart and driven? Do you have any idea?”

And very often I come to the conclusion that the spouse and kids definitely have no idea. That part they don’t see,

Well the other day I work it occurred to me that my family does not know an  important side of me much either. The work me. Also my friends, my Mom, my uncles and aunts…….what I do at work would probably be quite surprising to them. Except to my husband (often) I barely talk about work all that much. For whatever reason, I am not sure..but I don’t.

Despite that work is a huge part of me-it defines me on so many levels. Take it away and I would be a mess. That I know.

With the absence of a senior leader for our group in the last few months I have stepped up my game quite a bit. I have the President’s attention much more often and am invited more often to his boardroom. I am autonomously and independently leading critically important complex data driven meetings and leading groups of senior executives to important and critical decisions for the business in many ways,

How am I doing this????? Even I don’t know. I have always been a middle Manager or Director with a small team in my careers but never part of the Executive team. Why is that? For many reasons…mostly that my time is too precious to me and I like a layer between me and the biggest decision maker. However these last few months it has been me, myself and I and I and I have managed. More than managed. Our team at work has also been coming to me for advice, support, to help make decisions. I like leading. I am good at it.

Another thing that keeps me from a role at the senior level is self-doubt. Am I really good enough? Is it possible? However as I looked around the table at the group that sat before me..they seemed not that much more sure of themselves necessarily either. I remember reading somewhere that most top executives actually feel like they have no clue what they are doing and their biggest fear is that they will somehow be figured out that they actually don’t know what they are doing! I felt better somehow when I read this. A bit like stage fright before a performance..if you don’t still have it chances are you don’t take enough risks. High performance is never in one’s comfort zone. Great leaders always doubt themselves and their abilities.

All I know is that the other day I was in my element. I felt like I belonged there…one day….but for that day it gave me huge adrenaline. To prove to myself especially that I can do it.

And that there is a place at that table for me maybe should I ever wish to sit in it very possibly at this company or another company if I develop  and learn and want that one day . Right now I am just smart enough to know what that seat entails and I am not willing at this point to give up even one day of vacation with my family for any business review or business crisis.

And therefore this kind of self-knowledge and savvy of my values and boundaries….make that seat perfectly not for me at this stage of my life.It is fit for many other people.

I like seeing what gives me adrenaline in life be it the President’s ear…or a smoothie made in a blender on a summer night by my son. Both are precious. Both are me.

I wonder what my husband, my kids and Mom would think if they saw me in my element that day…and I wonder if it would surprise them or just confirm what they have always known about me?

It’s kinda fun to have a secret side. I rather like it.

Cool Pool Summer:)

I love every minute of the last 3 days of the first week off of school and seeing my daughter lead the public pool life. It is an amazing life for a tween I tell you. I am super happy she is getting to do this.

Since Chase was 11yrs of I always felt super guilty that my kids were denied this public pool life because I work. It is the one part about not being a stay at home Mom that makes me envious: the summers.

I remember between the ages of 11-14yrs that the public pool life was my whole life. Every single day from morning until late at night spent at the pool, in the sun, laying on towels, flirting with the cute boys, with tons of friends, bike riding, buying popsicles, saving our money to eat lunch out, getting sunburned, knowing all the lifeguards, swim team, synro, dive team and leadership programs. Loved every minute of this felt like freedom but was actually quite supervised and structured.

By the time Chase was the age to do this, because he was my first I was too scared to let him stay alone at home and bike to the pool. No way!!!!!! Never. By the time I felt comfortable with him doing this it was too late and he was 13 yrs old and not into the pool life and rejected it.

Bear follows whatever his brother says for this kind of stuff and he also decided cold public pools were not for him.

Somehow and somewhere between that time and now I decided that it is perfectly fine for my precious 11 yr. old daughter to come and go as she chooses and bike back and forth about a mile away to the pool. Yup. I did this. And surprisingly I feel great about his decision. And so does Beauty.

Also to her and my benefit she has two doting older brothers at home in and out all day and often home (and my Mom home often for her too)

Three days in and I can already see she is having the time of her life! She has teamed up with one of my Bff’s girls and they are inseparable. I have them both here now as I write this in my own pool practicing the syncro routine they learnt today for three hours now in the rain!. Beauty is in Gold swim lessons, syncro lessons and competition team for synro. She also joined the leadership program and helps the real lifeguards with various tasks. She tried swim team but decided that she did not want to do the meets on Wednesday nights as she wanted to “enjoy the relaxing summer nights” (clearly her Mother’s daughter!)

Fine with me! Nothing in my books is better for kids (and parents) than lazy summer nights. I have kept my kids out of soccer for them..summer hockey..tennis and everything else. I love summer nights at home (even though it rains on us each single one). Oh well we have a big gazebo.

So something inside of me today just felt so very happy…..for the fact that I can give Beauty a little taste of what I had. I feel good. And very lucky me the Sweethearts and the Holidays are members of the pool and hug my girl for me often throughout the day. It’s lovely. I love that our kids are connecting more and more with age and loving each other’s company. It’s like having a little cousin community.

A Mom at the pool today came up to me today (she is a stay at home Mom) and gave me a compliment I won’t be forgetting soon. She said” you are one of the first career women I know who ensure that your kids all get a superb stay at home life”. It made me feel super good.

Newly divorced I felt sad for her new situation as I know she has devoted her life to raising and providing for her own three kids and summer is at the top of her list of fun. She said now her kids cannot join any teams at the pool and have to be members at two different pools because they split their time between two homes. She said that all the Moms keep telling her how lucky she is to have so much time now to herself but she told me she misses the kids and especially the summer they always had together. This made me feel sad to hear for her…that what she has worked so hard to have all her life has now been taken away half the time (her husband left  her for a 25 yr old and they now have a new baby on the way!!!!!)

So this summer..like any summer will be complicated. Thank God I have three weeks of vacation. Complex it is in terms of schedules and keeping track of the kids..but also beautiful to watch my kids unfold..and relax..and enjoy and just do what they want to do. They deserve this soooooooo much after the dedication to academics all year long that they work so hard at.

And I am glad for Beauty anyways that her summers will from now on include bronzed skin, worn out bathing suits and tons of popsicles by the pool. I could not think of a better way to spend the summer if I tried.

Happy beginning of summer! No sun..tons of rain…but so far every bit as wonderful as I imagined for my kids. And for some odd reason...I think this might just last until school is back. I know I must be crazy bu for some reason I am hopeful.

Everyday is Perfect.....

...

At the cottage. Pointe Finale.

It POURED rain today in buckets like it literally has the last 7 weekends…and it did not really matter.

Sure it was disappointing, sure it was sad not to have a beautiful day for first day school out and Beauty’s friend hereon the boat , but the day was nevertheless “parfait.”

Tube rides in the pouring rain…outdoor Jacuzzi with lots of little girls in it chatting away…Chase driving the car for the first time with Dad in the parking lot and being amazing at this. Chase going to get lobster for dinner tonight and making tabouli at the counter with a huge and easy smile all exams behind him. Homeade lemon meringue pie at the kitchen counter with the kids at 10pm under candlight.

Me finally finishing my book I have been reading for a month now and taking a tiny cat nap in the sleeping porch with the sound of pretty rain.

I will always always love our cottage life at both LDF and Trent. I think our best decision in life has always been to get your kids to come…here with us…away from friends (unless we bring one here !!) and into the cozy arms of this beautiful family life. Away from it all (even if they sometimes resist we know they end up loving it). This is a classic example of something that is just plain good for kids and I will fight for this space and time until I am beaten.

And one at Laronde today back in the city. Rides all day long in the pouring rain. Texted me now in two languages (one for me and one for Daddy) saying I had a BLAST. I love that with him…he always has a blast no matter what.

Home can be hard. Coming home can be really tiring. They can be annoying. Things can be tough. But with all of my heart I love coming home to them all-and adore spending my precious free moments at the cottage with my family.

I get the feeling so often when I am here that………this is the way it should be. I am so very happy that we have made space in this life to fulfill this need we have in us. Space for our family whose instinct is to grow away…….to be able to hunker down in the wilderness and make them stay close (and they end up all loving it) in a place that keeps us together. In splendid simplicity.

I used to crave a date night alone with my husband. Now I crave this. The way I see it in 7yrs or less we will have all the free nights together in the world.

PS-Today crappy weather again..still smilingJ Guess what forecast is tomorrow? You got it! Cloud and storms!

PSS-I love kids. Bear went to Laronde yesterday for a friend’s party literally in the pouring rain or 8 hrs. Mother wrote and sent a pic of 8 soaking boys and said in French of course that the kids said” Rain doesn’t bother us..we are kids! We are buddies! On s’en fout de la pluie!!! (aka nice and acceptable way of saying in French we don’t give an F…about the rain!)

I love this age

PSS-I haven’t dared write about it yet as when I write it will become real..but my beloved housekeeper of 6 yrs who literally saves my life and allows me to work..is leaving. It affects and hurts me and disturbs me on a deep level and messes up my life to an extent that you can only understand if you have a careers like mine and my husband’s and lives like ours. We need her. But I am not going to let this ruin me….in fact I might even take a promotion if I am offered one…..I won’t let her bring me to my knees in this way. This girl right here is getting her act together in a major way and this loss was just what it took to get me moving. Watch out!

 

Lessons

It’s funny in many ways as a parent I am proud of who I am and who I have grown into.

And in other ways I am not proud at all and am hard on myself.

The area I have always been hard on myself is in the “ensure you act as a role model to your kids” I role model many things but there are areas I model too that I wish my kids did not see. I get angry..I swear…I don’t volunteer a ton….I lose my temper quite often…the list goes on and on actually.

Also I don’t think I am especially super nice or especially super kind. I am a good person in many many ways but I know many people out there who have bigger hearts and more empathy than I do. Of course I want my kids to be nice so hope that all turns out ok.

However since back from Swiss (yes reality sets in very quickly as you step off a plane) there have been a few parent-friend-parent situations around here with kids friend parents that have made me think a lot….quite a lot actually on what is important to me and the type of role modeling I do for my kids.

I may not be Mother Theresa or volunteer at the school all the time-but I do hold accountability high when it comes to my kids and everything in life actually. And ensuring they face up to the music that others create or those they create themselves.  Saying Sorry is high on our lists..as is communication….talking it out..accepting responsibility..and not running away from difficult situations.

Around here if you are in a conflict with another person you are expected to deal with it with grace. Whether or not you think you caused or not are not an issue.

Same goes for school. If a teacher complains about you..perception is reality and we deal with it. Other people’s complaints, views and perspectives are held with the highest regard. Always. And dealt with.

And this to me is kind.

And this is life

And what life is about

Dealing with things and feelings and not running away because it is difficult or time consuming or annoying. Or not intended or not your fault. Because if a friend out there is hurt because of you..whether or not you intended it..it is still there and exists and your responsibility.

And if a teacher thinks your kids behavior is less than exemplary-whether or not they intended it to come across as disrespectful..they did and it is up to that kid to make things right and adjust. With school having come to an end I had a few talks with teachers over email about a bunch of stuff and realized the importance of valuing and respecting the teacher and authority role. I realized that taking this stance in my kids education has made the teachers really value my kids and our family with all of our blessings and shortcomings.

So in the last 24 hrs (oops no that would be less than 12hrs since I stepped off the plane) I have realized that I do actually possess some good traits as a great role model and that maybe I have been too hard on myself all these years to some degree.

I may not count-“nice and kind and sweet” as top adjectives to describe me (and don’t get me wrong I have plenty of that in me especially sweet) but I have a lot of integrity..and honesty and accountability. And those are big ones. And I intend to make sure that all three of my kids have them too.

So yesterday although my daughter disappointed me on many levels by hurting a friend..she also impressed me to a strong degree on how she handled her wrong doings. And  for me…in life…..we are not only judged by our actions . But also by our intentions. And our actions during and after conflicts. And our abilities to both accept , apologize and forgive and to be forgiven.

And if we can honestly as a human can be good or even somewhat good at all of these stages-this to me is what makes a person kind. For me life has always been..is ..and will always be a constant evolution and development of growth, learning, getting it wrong and getting it right in the complex journey of feelings, emotions, varying perspectives and obstacles of life.

Life is rich when you play it on all levels.

I intend to be teaching my kids never to get stuck on Level One in the Game of Life.

Beginner/Intermediate/Advanced takes a whole lot of falls to get to the top. Leadership is hard work.

 

In My Element

I have learnt a lot in Switzerland in the last 5 days and none of it is work- related.

I have learnt what I like. I like simplicity.

A small purse with essentials, wearing flip-flops instead of heels, taking a shower and letting my hair dry on the walk to the conference, a shiny subtle lip-gloss, choosing to wear the same outfit twice in a row because having so much fun with friends no time to change, being less in contact with the everyday worries of home, leaving my kids to their exams and not stressing, sitting here by the window in the hotel with rain streaming down and a cool breeze, a  welcome  delight.

I love the tram and taking it across the city, I love the bikes and knapsacks on peoples backs. I love the comfy shoes people wear and the fact that literally no one drives a car. I like that when it is hot we sweat and when it is cool we put on a sweater.

(I really really don’t like the snacks at breaks or all the meals with eggs on top)

I like vising my friends and spending simple evenings chatting with their kids. I like taking a tram home by myself late at night and feeling safe. I like putting my feet in the cool river and eating a simple salad. I like unsweetened yogurt with strawberries with a sip of red wine. Grilled veggies and lovely lemony potatoes.

I love the European way of life and Swiss is honestly gorgeous and breathtaking. I could never live here likely (for all the reasons posted in my last post) but I could get used to visiting here often. I like being collected at bustops by sweet little girls and holding hands in the rain and saved by them too.

Little guys who call me “Katarina” in their sweet little accents.

This trip has made me realise that when I have grown kids and more time and more money (will that time ever come…and do I want it to?) …that I will want to travel a whole bunch. Rent apartments for a month at a time in beautiful cities and explore them with my Guy at my side. Integrate into the lives that people lead a bit like I did this time. With two besties living here..it was easy and I had great inspiration.

I want more of life on a whole different level. My time is coming for this soon I bet.I love the simpleness of this week and I want to bring some home with me. It needs to make its way into my home in some fashion and stay there with me forever. I want to bring a slice of Basel home for good.

And I have to say that weather truly does not matter anymore to me and that is a biggie. There was a time it meant everything to me and that was a whole big waste of brain cells and time. Yes I get severely annoyed by weather ruining summer plans-but not more than that. Just a passing annoyance like the rest of the world and a slight depression when every single weekend we don’t get to use the boat.

But I love rain too-like tonight walking home off the tram..in the rain…feet wet in my flipflops…water splashing on my ankles and in my hair. And yesterday in a heat wave sweating and water pouring down my face from heat. I love it all. I love existing. I love being able to overcome. I love being able to feel angry. And being able to forgive. To be able to get my act together no matter what. Knowing that I am strong and powerful and small and vulnerable all wrapped into one. I am human and full of love

Splish. Splash.

Realizing the happiness I bring to others across the world and being proud of that.

Managing on my own through thick and thin.

Being in my element…. All the elements of life.

Switzerland was exactly what I needed this week and the comfort of two of my greatest teachers…just hanging out together and having fun. Nothing more or less on the agenda. Actually having no clue where exactly my agenda even is.

A nice little escape from my complex and complicated life (that I intend to simplify a whole lot)

In my element both in complexity and simplicity. Being both and indulging in what that means for a life. My life both here an now and back home with my family this weekend.

In my element of the very seasons of my own existence.

Simply Swiss

Sorry no time to edit!

 

I have been to Basel or Zurich 4 times over last 8 years on business but this is the first time I have felt like I have had any time to really experience it. There was one other trip where I had a free afternoon but it was freezing and raining so did not get the same sense I did this time.

 

Busy conference days on diversity and inclusion with well-known keynote speakers. Sitting beside company President is also interesting!

 

Few things I love about Basel:

 

The bikes. Everyone walks of bikes everywhere. I love this. All mornings I have put my high heels in my bag and worn my sports sandals and walked to my conference. What a great start to the day

 

I love the simplicity. One towel. One facecloth. No fuss

 

The river is gorgeous in the old city . My buddy and I out our feet in for a long while the other night while we chatted

 

How clean and organized this city is

 

Lush lush mountains and landscapes everywhere

 

My friends here.. I am truly spoiled now. Every evening has been wonderful and have been treated like a princess. On night friend slept over another night slept at friend’s house and met his beautiful family and another night dinner at friend’s with her wonderful family

 

I love how the kids are so independent and walk to school alone at 5 yrs! So peaceful and polite too..Swiss has some very well brought up bebes

 

Things that I could live without In Switzerland:

 

The food . Lucky me I got delicious food two nights at friends’ houses (thank god as I was famished!) and one funky yummy resto. Lunches and snacks and breakfasts yucky . Everything has an egg on top of it. Pasta with egg. Rice with egg. Risotto with egg. I hate big eggs on my meal.

 

At snacks a whole lot of buns and hard brownies. I like carbs but not that much. I can't eat that for a snack three times a day. Do not ever show me a hard hard bun with poppy seeds on it or a dry brownie with no icing for the rest of my life please

 

The showers: don't even get me started on this. Don't work.. Are super small.. Super fragile glass doors ... Have HUGE full length mirror in front of them ; (with no dividing lines in middle for skinniness!) what a horror . I literally almost decided to jump in the river to avoid this monstrosity

There is a heat wave in Basel and no pools to be seen. When I say heat wave I mean heat wave as in 38 degrees at 11pm! Ps they are so environment conscious it is not that air is on low.. There is no air conditioning except in some hotels (thankfully mine) not in our conference center though !!!!

 

Last night at my friend’s house his wife showed me to my own bathroom.. Very nice. Would have been a hundred times nicer if I could have figured out how to flush the toilet . This honestly took me 25 minutes to find the flusher.

 

Another incident: what shall one do when you are a guest and it is 1 am and everyone is asleep and you hardly know anyone in the house (except your friends of course tucked cozy in with his wife) and you realize your phone is dead? And you need your phone to set the alarm? And not only do you need a charger but a Swiss adaptor for your charger? Do you cry? Alternate between bathroom and plug trying to hold back tears based in not being able to flush a toilet and not waking up?

Well you do the best you can and pray that you wake up on your own . You open the windows super wide so that as much light and singing birds can get in early morning to be sure And then you get the added delight of the big Basel clock in village that chimes . Every hour and every 15 mins!

Problem solved you just don't sleep and decide to look at clock all night you are fully alert by 6am.

 

Benefit: lots of time to think and solve problems!

All in all this city both drives me a bit insane and relaxes me and mystifies me. It is so utterly beautiful and simple in so many ways. Knowing if I lived here I would be so skiinny from biking and never ever eating.(unless I get invited a lot to friend’s houses to eat!_

 

Taking home with me a lesson learnt (besides how to flush a Swiss toilet)

 

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify

 

So hahahha quitting housekeeper . Take that! Once you are gone I intend to produce very little dishes , laundry or garbage.

I had my Swiss friend help me with this plan as I was totally jet lagged and she was watching the news. I don't know how much I retained but something about never putting dirty clothes back in the closet.. or the hamper .

 

Swiss simplicity - bring it on!

 

Oh ya and no meals needed. A bun and egg will do. Why did I need a housekeeper anyways??

 

Unlocked

I was told many years ago that there was a chest-hidden beneath many layers and tucked far far away inside of me. At the time I did not really believe it.

A corner of my mind not willing or ready

Tucked away

I needed a key I did not know I had or was supposed to be searching for.

I had always assumed the hidden chest would be scary. I had never imagined it would be good and welcoming.

Two weeks of stress-months of stressful events actually that led to the unlocking. On the plane….half asleep..half awake…on the way to Switzerland…the sun rising magnificent out my airplane window

I was swimming in a beautiful ocean

Way way way down

I was a mermaid

On a mission to unlock the chest

Swimming down and down and down

Allowing myself to feel..to know..to understand

Let it in

Reaching it-turning the key

Opening it

Not scary at all

All sorts of hearts came floating out from it

Hearts into me

Messages said

Messages heard

Messages spoken

Messages understood

Messages accepted

Felt

Released

Hearts to me and floating back upwards

Light and dreamy

Feeling free

Pressure lower

Breathing more easily

An audible sigh to remind me of relaxation

Energy goes where attentions goes

Forgiveness

Release

Understanding

Floating back up to the surface not even out of breath

With hearts in hand. Millions of them

Floating up and taking in the air of the real world

Knowing with certainly it was all ok      

I can learn it. I can give it. I must.

Keeping my treasure chest for me. Mine only. My secret. My mermaid. My key. No need to share what was found. Don't ask as I will not tell.

The simplicity and aloneness of the search

What has been locked inside of me is now unlocked

My gift. To me.

His Day

 

As I sit here beside my Guy in bed on Father’s Day my heart swells with Gratitude. Although it is pouring outside here at the cottage, the doors are open, the sounds of the rain are beautiful and the family of ducks swim by within our view on the magnificent lake. The kids just came up to give Daddy his gifts and life is good.

Now all three are in the kitchen preparing breakfast for Dad (and I!) and we are relaxing with our books and computers and enjoying the leisurely morning.

Yesterday in the Jacuzzi with Beauty and Bear outside overlooking the gorgeous mountains and lake we tried out the iPod with the speakers in the Jacuzzi and it was so much fun. I took a look over at my Protector enjoying the beat and swaying to it with his daughter’s smile and his together…and though how very grateful I am to have this family. This Man.

I know how the above sounds too good to be true. But it is not. It is my life. And although I know it sounds weird to say it as such…it is pretty darn good. Yes it has many many many many moments of uncertainty and hardship and stress. But we are a family united…three healthy kids..Married 17 yrs this summer. We have weathered many storms and come out triumphant.

Without bragging too much I have to say I made a damn good choice in this man 19 years ago. One of my very most important criteria was “Will this man make an unbelievable Father? “And never for a minute have had I thought otherwise.

(Must be hard for a guy who originally wanted no children and a stay at home housevive to have three noisy kids and a wife with a career that is taking her to Switzerland all week next week on the last week of school! Hopefully he has adjustedJ

 

I have added up the years of my children’s ages (15, 13, 11) and write therefore 39 things that make this man wonderful as a Father. The little things and the big things that make this man they type of person you want as your Dad.

1-He is unselfish in every way always wants to give before he receives

2-He willingly without complaining changed every single poopy diaper of all three anytime he was home

3-Each one that was born he loved instantly..we have a picture not planned or posed with each baby in his arms..his eyes closed in joy…..loving them so deeply and instantaneously. My three favorite pictures ever.

4-He became the Father he is now…it was not something he was necessarily always good at or wanted…he grew into the role out of pure love

5-When Chase was a little baby he used to take him with him to Reno Depot to get cute 20 yr old girls to flirt with him more

6-With Bear he told me the moment he came home from the hospital “this is the one that will take care of us when we are older”

7-With Beauty he called his proud Father on the phone bragging about getting his long awaited daughter. And he cried

8-With Chase he became everything he had in his heart

9-He is the BEST cook in the world truly. It is honestly like having a five star chef in the house. We eat like kings and queens.

10-He loves cooking

11-He listens to music and dances when he cooks and loves having the kids cooking with him and teaching them everything he knows

12-He is the most handy person in the universe. Plumbing , electricity, ANYTHING. Again he loves doing this-it is his passion. I actually have to STOP him from fixing things and cooking or he would do this in life and nothing else

13-He is the smartest person alive and never brags about it. Did you know he won the award for top law student in all of Quebec and did not tell me!!!!! I found an old newspaper clipping with his photo in the paper one day in the basement

14-He has always cleaned up the kids puke. I have never touched it

15-He patiently tests them all on their homework after long days at the office

16-He works very very very hard to support his family and provide a good life for us

17-He balances home and work very well (aka as 2 nights super late at office, 3 nights home at dinner time and weekends only for us with no work)

18-He has never ever missed an important event of the kids

19-He puts family first always

20-He loves his three children with a full and kind heart

21-He takes a lot of crap from his kids and always forgives them

22-He is extremely patient with all of us

23-He is the picture of a classy Dad from the clothes, to the car, to the savvy, to the conversations with their friends. He is a Dad you want to show off

24-He always always takes the time to get to know the kid’s friends and include them

25-He grows as a Father every year and always takes feedback seriously and grows in the direction of changing if needed

26-He golfs with the kids and loves it

27-He has driven them around on boats millions and millions and millions of times since they were little and taught each to waterski, wakeboard, kneeboard and every other water sport under the sun. He taught them all on “a porte d’armoire” (a closet door)

28-He has taught kids the importance of learning and school and higher education. When I look at our kids today and what they are capable of..and the way they can study an entire weekend..the way they can do what they do at the type of school they attend…I owe this all to my husband

29-He is an amazing example to the kids in so many areas

30-He shows the kids that there is life outside of our own family. To be a good Uncle, a good friend, a good son-in law, a good brother. He teaches them each step as he learns too…and shares this

31-Did I mention he is an amazing cook for them?

32-He takes them to the driving range on a day he can choose to do anything

33-He never ever gives up

34-He is so capable it is unbelievable. Scary.

35-He just acquired and now owns his own office and decorated it all by himself and made this huge move happen. He has involved the kids so much and engaged them along the way they now feel it is theirs too.

36-He loves it when Beauty stops by on her bike at the office with a friend on her way home

37-He loves the hugs and kisses that Chase showers on him when he is in a good mood

38-He loves how Bear is like him in so many ways and will become a wonderful man

39-Honestly without him……….I can’t even begin to think about it for my kids

One extra: My kids won the lottery with this man as their Dad. This role in life belongs to him

Happy Fathers Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love, love love that we have been in this together since the very beginning. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. We grew these three beautiful and crazy babies into what they are today together. We did this! Together! We have grown them, and loved them and cherished them. We did this Hon!!!

And nothing in the whole wide world world will make me prouder one day than to see you dance with your daughter at her wedding, or walk these babies down the aisle with you or sideways glance your way when I dance with my sons at their weddings. You will always always be in my heart…no matter what….. first and foremost the father of my children. And for this I am eternally grateful to you from the very bottom of my heart.

With love on Fathers; s Day

Bebe/Hon/Sweetie/Pookie Bear

 

PS A little note to my own Dad today-gone two years. I sometimes get this warm and nice feeling that you are looking down upon me and taking care of me. Often in a way in death that maybe you were not able to fully provide me in life. Whatever the feeling is ..I am glad I have arrived at it and that it is there. Pls continue to take care of my family and Mom’s health. Pls make sure my health and my life works out ok? That it is all fine? Thank you Dad

PSS-Another angel in heaven to thank is Grandpapa Max. We feel you and your strong values in many of the ways we choose to raise our children….the strong academic standards, the respect for rules, the cottage and love of nature. I know that you are looking down on your son so very proud of the way he has kept your grandchildren all together in the extended family. He did this….and in an amazing and loving way. He is taking care of them for you. Always.

 

PSS-and to my Grampy2 who was in many ways very much my own Father at various parts of my life. I loved everything about you and I miss you dearly. Each time my kids say a swear works or “Jesus Christ!!!” instead of getting mad I think of you and smile. I loved every little part of you. And mostly I loved the way you loved me.

Friday Nights

 

Friday Nights

There has always been a beauty in Friday nights for our family and also a complexity (not a hard one just an annoying one).

We want to relax and unwind from the big week we have had yet want to get up to the cottage too….as Saturday morning sleep ins and waking up to the sounds of the waves in the lake is pretty sweet too.

I have memories from the kids being little of how sweet and simple Friday nights were. An ordered pizza and a family movie all cuddled on the couch. I remember my Swiss colleague in our leadership programs telling our Associates what a wonderful tradition this was of mine and the fact that it was deliberate and we always stuck to it impressed him.

He has two young boys and a lovely wife and they do this now on Friday nights.

We don’t anymore.

And it has nothing to do with lack of wanting too…but it has to do with the changing times. And the fact that I have to honor the stage my family is at-and encourage them at this stage to grow beyond only our family and what feels good for us. This makes me sad.

So now Friday night is often a friend night since the rest of the weekend is spent at the cottage for us. Friday night they can do what they want. Sometimes that means home with us. Sometimes they go out with a friend..often they have a friend to dinner and the evening. Sometimes we are all together and sometimes we are all apart.

And then we usually drive up to the cottage at 10:00pm and arrive here at 11:30pm. Which is very very hard. But I find that it allows my growing children to have a social life and be at the stage they need to be at. And we take the hit and sacrifice and drive while exhausted to accommodate this. And we are all happy (in theory)

 

I was talking to a colleague at work this week about her 16 yr. old and it amazing how two women can view the world so differently. For her she wants to hold him back from his peer group as long as possible and keep him young as long as possible (don’t get me wrong I want this too…just don’t think it is the right thing to do). She said she will do everything and anything to keep him from going through the normal stages of adolescence (getting angry if his room is not kept the way she wants it to be, choosing the way he spends his money and what he wears, not experimenting at all with alcohol, having him participate in a lot of little kid activities against his desires etc..). Ideally I would love this too….but my brain tells me it is not the right thing to do. Their adolescence is not only about me…it is about them..and respecting their process…and their development. They need to find out who they are right? I can’t control that too right?

It is filled with them finding their way and me not prescribing it by this late stage. Of course there is still a strong element of teaching and guiding but to me at this a lot of individuality also has to occur for adolescence to really happen and be successful .I alternate between wanting the kids to be clones of me and my lifestyle and choices and praying that they are not. Cognitive dissonance at it’s best I guess.

I remember clear as day being 15.5 yrs and man was it a journey. My journey. My hand was not held every single step of the way and I had to figure out a whole bunch of things on my own. Resilience was created. Resileince that today still serves me well.

All that to say Friday nights is now bittersweet. I miss those times yet love them all as they occur now all wrapped up into one. I love seeing what my kids choose to do with their precious free time. I love seeing and witnessing the choices they make.

My absolute favorite part is when they have a friend for dinner. Our rule on the Friday night or any night for that matter is that when they have a friend for dinner we all eat together as usual with the friend. I love and adore this. Each Friday there is often a different friend belonging to one of them and a different mix of kids who are present or not. At the age they are now it makes for some great conversations and we can sit for over an hour just all chatting and laughing and discussing. My parents did this for me and my friends all my life and it was probably one of my most cherished memories of adolescence.My home was a fun place and a place where my friends were loved and cherished and respected.

Feeling like my parents were both close by while I had the big task ahead of me of growing up. That they honored this process while yet staying very close and connected to me. My parents did a lot of right things.

It is not easy to watch a child turn into a young adult in many ways. It takes wisdom and patience and especially grace to watch this process as a parent.

I loved last night. I loved watching Chase with his buddy at dinner talk and discuss and debate and share with us. I saw a side of my boy I don’t always get to see as often anymore. And last Friday it was Bear’s friend and two weeks before that Beauty’s friend. I love this part of Friday nights.

And I love driving them to security and safety too by midnight and having them all under one roof sequestered for the weekend. Even though weekends are filled with study and exams –we still have our cherished meals together and special times. The cottage is an amazing place to bond with kids..I cannot say that enough. As they become teens is gets harder but it is still there and although changed just as precious.

I can feel it in my bones though. Things are changing. They are slipping away….things are becoming different than they were before. I am scared. And helpless..yet also filled with pride that we got here. Together. In one piece. That I had something to do with it.

That I conducted a lot of this beautiful orchestra. A lot of the beautiful futures that lie ahead for them. These next number of years will be harder but I hope one day they still look back with fondness and understand the energy that went into what we tried to create.

And  I am also now the conductor when the players decide that maybe it it’s not the saxophone or the trumpet after all that they were destined to play. As they choose and experiment with different instruments that they never even realized existed. While they sway to the music that they hear in their own heads and not the music I have been playing all along.

As they move to their own beats. And perhaps I change mine as I learn more about theirs?

While we sit and exist..and grow side by side. In the comfort of our own beat and the solace of the difference in the music of our minds.