Moments in Between

A blog reader the other day who I know from my previous place of work emailed me the other day and said “Can we have a chat? You have three teens and so do I and you seem to be having a lot more fun with yours than I am with mine. What’s the trick?”

And when I spoke to her –I told her that the biggest “trick” was simply making time. Time for the moments.

Because quite frankly without making time for these moments…I would very often feel helpless, humiliated and alienated with our three teens quite honesty.

Look at the last few days since the kids are back from camps and on vacation with us. They are like untamed zoo an animal much of the day-so disrespectful to each other’s my hearts bleeds sometimes. Drinking out of the milk carton at the table, swearing at the table, getting so physical with each other that one almost has a concussion ( our daughter!) and cancelling plans on all our usual summer traditions (too cool for a bonfire now???) I am not kidding here my daughter was so mean to me one afternoon (A long story) that I cried for two hours. Still think our home is so  peachy?

Yesterday should have been one of the finest moments of our vacation. All three kids home, the most beautiful heatwave ever, on a boat all 5 of us with many more vacation days ahead….and all I heard was the kids screaming at each other and in my head I was losing it. I just wanted them to shut up and act like humans and stop whining and complaining. I mean look at their blessed lives? Appreciate it you Apes!

So after going upstairs and doing some deep breathing and then swallowing a half an anti-anxiety pill (wish I was joking)..my head cleared. The fog lifted. By the afternoon I was in a better space.

Same like yesterday and today. (without a pill)

I allowed all those in between moments in. And as soon as I do-we all just flow. 

When I tickle Bear like he is a little baby and he laughs and laughs. I wear one earphone of Beauty’s and we sing our hearts out to 90’s music. Chase and I have a ton of inside jokes and constantly look at each other and say “props”. We watch a documentary about a boy who is dying from cancer and all hold hands because we are so touched. We make a new recipe of lime cilantro chicken in the crockpot with loud rap music blaring from the speakers. Bear catches a fish and his Dad runs to see it and unhook it. I don’t check my emails for three whole weeks even though I am dying to see what awaits me and anxious to think of the business I may be missing But I want to be as present as I can in the scared time and put aside things that can cause me distraction and stress. I chose them.

What is the difference between me and you?

Probably not very much. I bet your teens are as “good” as mine. Maybe even better

Maybe we have different expectations?

Maybe it is time?

Maybe it is being present?

Maybe it is very deliberately trying my absolute best every day even though my best as a mother might look like someone’s worst? But striving nevertheless each day to get better?

Maybe there is nothing better about my teens at all except that I choose not to sweat a lot of the small stuff (swearing, milk drinking, fighting) and I focus on the biggies since I know there is only so much nagging I can do (school ,safety and family time)?

But mostly it is time I think. It is getting through enough crazy chaotic vacation/weekend days to be able to actually get to the good parts. See the center. Surely statistically after many crazy moments you are bound to have some good ones thrown in there? That’s a bit our formula. Put statistics on your side and spend as many as possible together so that in return you sporadically get a lot of moments that will be good too? Sounds crazy but true. We get a lot of crap moments-but we get a ton of wonderful ones too.

My colleague asked me why my kids did not do a ton of team sports like most families. My answer? I felt like that would give up way you much of our weekend time together. That is it-that is the only reason. We focus more on the sum of the parts rather than the individual pieces. Our sum does not include each being at different fields at different times…..it just has never appealed to us. We have found other ways for the kids to excel at sports and out kids are three of the most athletic kids I know.

Bear is missing a hugely important 3 days of kayak competitions this week-because we are on vacation. His coaches are near begging us to bring him that 1.5 hrs home. The answer is no. No! It is our vacation time. This doesn’t work or appeal to everyone but it works and appeals to us. Family time all five is at the very top of the priority list. Thank goodness as after this summer I can see it not happening very often with an 18 yr. old going to college, driving a car and working. Logistical nightmares have begun and this time it won’t be healthy to stop it. He is starting his own beginnings. As he should.

I treasure this time as precious-as crazy as the make me, as furious and irritated as they do….

It’s’ those moments in between. And I am getting enough of them to look at my daughter and see the way she takes my hand when the mom on TV is losing her son, or get my  17.5 yr. old to talk more about his physical relationship with his girlfriend, or be there when Bear comes around and is able to joke about how hard headed he is and see it from his family’s perspectives. I see wonder all around me

It’s all those moments that just add up to beautiful things. Beautiful teens.

I don’t have better teens than anybody. We have just made space in our lives to appreciate them, know them inside out, made room to talk to them and hear them out. We teach many less lessons than they teach us at this point, and have made room to listen. We focus on the big stuff only and put them at the top of our list in basket A. We have many many baskets C items that are nice to have –but just don’t feel that it is worth all the nagging and bitching. We are parents but we are also act as their equals in many ways by this later stage-we are living life beside them in so many ways vs only guiding the way. . Our house is messy, we are often a little crazy, our kids are loud and equally obnoxious, we don’t force them to do adhere to tons of rules beyond school and chores…but we are happy.

As I gently reminded my colleague…there are sure to be turbulent times with teens (many of them), but just by the very fact she was calling and asking for input and advice in my mind meant she had “good” teens and was “a successful” parent. She turned towards her issues and not against them and also takes time with her teens deliberately and often from what I have always noticed.

And this is what I consider the recipe for success. Very simply put: show up mentally and physically for them. Time and time again. and don't give up on them.

We choose the moments

And from there? The moments chose us

Two out of Three Home

It’s always a special day when we pick them up from their two week stay at camp. In some ways feels like forever as no contact at all-in other ways it passes by so fast. Today we picked up Bear and Beauty! They have been attending this camp for 9 yrs. now and it is like home to them in many ways. Bear adores every minute. Beauty resists it each year and comes home each time having had a blast (and then resists it again the next year)

We always have the tradition of going to the closing camp ceremonies at 10:15am and watching Bear win Camper of the Week!  Then we chose a great place to go out to lunch and then Tim Hortens’s for a donut or hot chocolate and then it’s back to the cottage to start the vacation. The first day back (today) is always a whatever they want to do day and that means all day and night being plugged into the couch, their phones, their ipads etc. They have been unplugged for two weeks and are craving the relaxation that the couch potato life provides.

We force them out onto a nice boat ride where they both fell fast asleep and then we dock and ask them millions of questions about camp. Then they take more couch potato breaks and now cooking with Hubby a homemade Indian meal.

Earlier bedtimes tonight (aka: before 12am!) as big annual regatta tomorrow at the Holiday House.

We are big big fans of sleepaway camp. All of them have been going for 1-2 weeks since the ages of 5-7yrs… for me it was has built so much of their social., athletic and leaderships abilities. It is an international sports camp that focuses on diversity, leadership and every sport under the sun.The camp has taught them self-sufficiency, friendship, autonomy, skill. Everything. We love the good old fashioned friendships formed there too and the notion of “summer friends”. These are not Facebook friends (well they probably are too!) they are “hug goodbye and cry every summer friends. Love it.

Bear is going back next summer for the 4 week “Aspi” program where he will be a counsellor in training. After that he is assured a job every summer all summer (they have guarenteed him employment alreadyJ)

Beauty, this may be her last year-we shall see. As of 14 yrs. old she gets to choose if she does sleepaway camp or not. I bet she will still choose it.

They are really teens now when they leave. Hugging every person possible. Every counslellor, high fiving the world, the boy –girl thing. Trying to ignore their doting parents. It’s really cute. We love picking them up from camp.

Chase usually comes back tonight after his three week stay at Dircamp but he postponed his return until tomorrow night as wanted to be part of a big biking competition that is taking place on the mountain. So he will return tomorrow night and because we have regatta we will all arrive home at 1am from all the travel back and forth to city etc..

He ended up being paid for lots of his what he thought was volunteer work. The director of the camp liked his work and dedication so much that he paid him a full counsellor salary for one of the week and then paid him a gardening day at his private house and then Chase was hired for many hours of private lessons downhill biking at 20$ per hour (for the private lessons that is) !!! Not bad!!!!! And he thought he was doing it all for free as experience.

We received the most beautiful email from the director of the camp today saying how proud he was of Chase (as last year in the CIT program Chase did a whole lot of sitting on his ass!) He said he had never seen such transformation and was impressed and listed all the ways that he recognized and appreciated Chase. He said he is first on the list for the next bike instructor job coming up next summer or the next.

Chase will be thrilled. This is big stuff and his passion. An extreme and dangerous sport in a lot of ways but perfectly suited for him to teach as a very safety conscious guy. He has been doing it for years and has never even had a minor accident.

Can’t wait until tomorrow late night to have all three home. It’s fun to have life back in the house (although they are actively ignoring us a lot of the time!) It just feels wonderful and comforting on so many levels to be back under the same roof again. Our couple time has been really lovely-but we do really well as parents together. It’s nice to be able to have this mix of both.

Camp is awesome. We are very very blessed to have been able to send them there all of these years. I consider it an important part of who they have become as people.

Part two of vacations begins!

The Long (invevitable) Journey

He is experiencing the adjustments that come with beginnings. His life is starting for real. We have begun the long journey of letting go. Put another way: he has a wonderful future in which our part naturally diminishes. We have no possible future that is better without him close.”

Our happiest times are vacations with the kids. At the cottage especially. Since they were born we have always taken two consecutive weeks at the cottage and ensured with every fibre of our being that this happens. We consider these weeks our best family times ever.

This year we cut it down to what I am guessing will stay one week for this summer and for the future ahead. One son is working, one son has competitive kayak all week. Beauty will stay on second week with her BFf that we invited (they are still at the “good” age” for vacations)

I have been making lots for lists for that week of what our annual cottage vacation the five of us will look like. Lists for sunny/cloudy/rainy as I always do. And although I adore every moment of our precious alone time-I also can’t wait to have those three kids back and creating life around our table and our lives.

And then….

Last week I get a text from Chase.

“Hey guys. I think I will stay a 4^th week here. I am doing an amazing job as a counsellor and teaching the kids dirtbike and I feel really good about myself and am being really recognized by the Director here. He offered to have me stay next week free without paying room and board. The camp kids really need me here”

Then a bunch of sweet and lovey dovey texts following it. So sweet and respectful and caring and respectful. Ended with :

“I know this is hard for you Mom and Dad..and it is for me too. But I am growing up and needing to take important decisions in my life. I love you so much”

Oh no!:((((((( there goes our one week vacation as a family. How do you force and insist this very responsible work ethic loving sweet kid to come home? One who is not even being paid and doing this from the bottom of his heart for the camp. One who gave up paid work landscaping in Bromont to build further his reputation at this camp that he wants desperately to be hired at in the future? How do you say no to something that you have grown and watered so preciously in your kid : Work Hard and Be Nice?

The answer is you can’t. (even if you really really just want to force him just to come home as planned)\

So that night you text back and forth with him and go over the pros and cons until we are both exhausted and go to sleep and offline at text at 1am. Our discussions were so real and heartfelt and trusting.

And then I literally cried my heart out for hours. For thinking of a vacation without Chase…but more importantly for knowing that this was the beginning of a very brand new life that we will certainly face with all of them soon. The inevitable process of the long letting go.

After Hubby and I discussed it more rationally the next day and I got input form a couple of my closest and smartest people we went with the right thing to do vs the thing we wanted to do. We called him back and told him to decide on his own what was best for him. And that we would support and respect his decision. We asked him to let us know within 4 days of his plans. We felt sad but empowered. We knew we did the right thing. So did he I think.

4 days later we get a text:

“I am coming home of our vacation! I didn’t speak to the Director here but I made up my mind it is what I am doing. Can’t wait to see you guys!”

And I felt the sweetest beating of my heart begin again. I felt relief..and pride too that it was him that decided this and not us. He was coming home to us. We had another year to get used to the idea of him potentially not being there for the summer vacation. Saved for another year.

And since that text I have felt peace. And also have been making plans for Tarina 2.0. In knowing that the time is coming sure as day when we will need to fill our times and life with others things than our three kids. With two very busy careers one might think this would be easier but it has not. Family has been our center to our lives always. We love our work and spend many many hours there. We have had nannies part time and help at home and other people doing errands and laundry and taking care of our kids when they were sick at various stages of our lives as our work always demanded long days and later dinner. We may be the furthest thing that people thing of when they consider truly devoted parents devoted to their families.

But it is us.
It has always been. 
We have always kept our family tightly close on the weekends and holidays like glue. To the detriment of soccer and hockey teams, promotions and business travel. Our hearts have always belonged to our family life. It feels like sometimes we have moved mountains for our kids-we have overcome many marital obstacles and challenges with them in mind. They have always been at the true center of our lives with everything else being super important to us but without our full hearts into it. We have done this deliberately to be able to spend as much time in these precious years as we have together.

Yesterday when we went riding our bikes and saw soulkeeper in the village-as her cottage is not too far away-we noticed her three little kiddies in the back sat and quickly offered her that for the next 20 years we will be pleased to take them for a week a year and teach them how to waterski and have treat nights and wakeboard and movie nights sleeping outside under the stars. We realized that kids and family come in many forms….and we don’t intend to stop anytime soon experiencing the joys that come with being part of the village that kids need to be realised.

And…..as much as I hate to admire it..I think a dog is in our near future!~~~

The Things of Life

Things that are making me happy lately:\

When the sun has been hot and shining down on us a couple of days on this vacation

Listening to music while cooking dinner

Going to Soulkeeper’s cottage and seeing how amazingly trained her three little ones all are when it comes to sleep (us talking up a storm and loudly and coming in with frosted cupcakes and her kids staying quietly in their beds as was bedtime and adult time). Nothing impresses me more than well-disciplined kids (as I know the effort from the parents that this takes to produce! And ps yes we left them a bunch of cupcakes for the morningJ))

Watching Lost A LOT

The card my Hubby wrote to me on our 19^th anniversary -so beautiful and sincere words

The fact that after 19 yrs. married we still like hanging out together so much. On this vacation we are rarely apart (it’s a little silly actually!)

How close I am to Mr. Soul keeper. Love that guy. You have to be pretty close to a guy friend to give him a foot massage all evening and tell him that his feet are in awkward placesJ))) While soulkeeper sits in the middle of us lol!!!! That is how close we are-juts love it-what a gift. And planning a holiday the four of us in a few years….yahoo!

Getting our kids back Friday!!!! Including Chase who decided (on his own) the best thing to do was come home and not miss our cottage week as a family. Yahoo!!!!!

That my Mom is feeling a little better here and there (sometimes) on her vacation. That we have the luxury of having her spend her vacation at our house while we are at the cottage so she can enjoy the pool and have her friends over and enjoy some  new and different scenery.

Watching movies ( 50 shades of grey anyone?) that man is sooooo sexy!!!!

Planning out our exercise very strict schedule for Sept and beyond as a couple

The passion and excitement I feel with all the work I will do this fall. I am going to give it my 100% and really build up my business. I am looking very forward to this (unexpectedly)

Annual Regatta coming up on Holiday Lake. Love seeing the kids race and spend time with our buddies

Things that are making me sad latelyL(very very very first world issues)

How hard it is for my husband about giving up all alcohol even after 1.5 yrs. (had to give up for health reasons). It’s hard to hear him talk about it ….. And how will always be a daily struggle and especially at social occasions etc. Heartbreaking in so many ways and always will be on so many levels. Hard to explain unless you have experienced this in your family.

Knowing that Beauty’s big 6 months X-rays are coming up and always worrying about the outcomes

Not knowing if Beauty is having fun at camp as no contact and she is not a camp lover (but always ends up having a great time in the past but hates the thought of leaving)

That is is soooooo cold and freezing at cottage last couple of days and into tomorrow. Like the artic!!

That I have dreams and nightmares every single night about the place I worked for 11 yrs and missing my work and the people there and feelings in the dream of separation and alienation

That sometimes I feel very bored and very annoyed in life

That I wish I could find a good book club

That I miss my wonderful friends in Swiss (you know who you are girlfriend!) I want to see her. Long distance is ok, but has nothing on time spend together for real. Especially with this career transition there is nobody else in the world I would rather spend a few days with and let her pump me up with belief and happiness and hope (in  person!!!)

That I am scared of getting old

That I miss holding my kids in my arms

That pizza pizza is closed on Wednesday so going to hike today a good 2.5 hrs without getting to eat that yummy food

That I have had a stomach ache/backache/ headache for a week now

That both trips we have planned and paid for in the next year all flights have been cancelled and changed so now have to figure out what to do

In conclusion……

I love vacation. I love my Hubby. I am starting to miss our kids a lot but will see them very soon (and then probably want them to go back to camp!)

Life is good. Posts like this help me articulate what is going on inside of me (the easy things that are easy to share) 

Wabi Sabi

“Nurturing all that is authentic by acknowledging three simple realities: nothing lasts, nothing is simple and nothing is perfect”

For me this means that it is life’s imperfections that make life beautiful. And it is my imperfect self and the acknowledgment of it that keeps my human journey fresh.

It is coming to peace with the fact that many things and people and things that people do around us are irritating and baffling-but they are temporary and fleeting and without these irritating things and people in our lives we would miss them. There would be a hole in our lives.

And that is the way I understand the Japanese simplicity perspective of Wabi Sabi.

Something I am trying to work on lately is judging others, or wanting others to be more like me, or wanting to change people so that I feel I can love them more, or being envious of what others have and I do not. It is something I am actively working on in my own development. It’s as if sometimes I feel like the world does not have enough love and happiness for all of us. It’s a mindset I want to actively work on in myself and shift my paradigm to a more positive place.

Part of this involves Wabi Sabi. Part of it involves giving out compassion to those who are not showing me compassion at the moment but who I know are generally very good people. Part of it involves sending loving messages to those I feel might need a lift through daily messages to the universe (at the same time each morning where I systematically express gratitude and also set my intention of the day) sending it to people who quite frankly in my life right now don’t deserve it-but who are getting it anyways.

Part of it is simply letting go. Which is hard as I hang on tight. When I start letting go I feel like a big part of me is saying goodbye.

I had a few situations within a few years- that co-existed and taught me the same valuable lesson: sometimes you just have to let things go in life. Sometimes you have to expect that you will always feel baffled by things you just do not understand and have to move on anyway in a loving and compassionate way.

Some other people in my life have called this being a doormat. I think of it otherwise and differently. I see it all as a lesson we learn about ourselves –a gift rather. To show compassion and to forgive to me is the highest and most evolved of the human state. If your needs are not being met in a situation or relationship-a doormat would mean to accept that and do nothing about it. Compassion to me means seeing and communicating and understanding that people do things differently and fulfilling the unmet needs you have in different places and different people. That being said,  still respecting and showing compassion and loving understanding to the person or situation who was baffling to you and not meeting your need and letting them meet your needs in the ways that they are able to and that you are able to accept. 

It is letting go in so many ways while still keeping the person close in your heart and in your life. That being said being true to your heart and seeking that need elsewhere simultaneously in ways that you need to feel safe and loved.

Wabi Sabi.

Or your kids being loud and obnoxious and irritating and instead of yelling or nagging-taking that irritability and turning it into big and true breaths in and out of the body to calm your beating heart. And thinking to yourself “I will miss these sounds one day” and then carrying on. Inviting those sounds more sweetly into your soul.

Wabi Sabi

I am letting a whole lot of Wabi Sabi into my life lately. Letting go of a lot of baggage and opening myself up to new experiences and new people vs trying to change some of the experiences and people into something they may not be.

I am looking for things I need in my life and trying to fulfill them in new and different ways.

Wabi Sabi

Try it on? You may like it too?

Alone Week 2015

It's always a bit of a crazy and hectic week . We have been doing it for years now . 

The two weeks kids leave in summer. (Chase three)... we work frantically one of them and then enjoy one at cottage

We just finished the working frantically one. And I a mean frantic until 8pm Friday night. For us both to leave for three weeks and not be connected on email is a challenge.

(But we both feel a necessity for our mental health)

Easier for me now that not with a big company but still much harder than I imagined. I will be very very busy in August upon my return which is a good thing I guess!

That being said how busy it is for both at work ... We take every spare moment without to kids to indulge in life. Every moment to the point that we exhaust ourselves from indulgence.

We bring boat back from cottage and rent a slip at yacht club a use if every spare moment on the water

Each night. Dinner out picnic style on boat. Dinner out with boat at Restos . Snacks and drinks in boats with friends . Stolen last minute picnic lunches on boat . Big naps on boat . Small naps

On boat . Reading on boat .

And this is all in between frantic work . The fun part of not having a boss anymore is that I just do whatever the hell I want when I want. That part is sooooo lovely :)

Sleep in until 10am anyone and then work 3 hrs and then go for a boat ride? Then work until 9pm and head back onto the boat again for a little nap with my lover (my husband!) It was our 19^th wedding anniversary Tuesday. We are both super proud of ourselves we have made it until this point. Even our kids said “wow mom and Dad this is unbelievable!”

Weird and crazy life and week.

Today I took day off and did all errands and most of packing. Went to a Lebanese speciality store and stocked up for our alone cottage 6 days with yummy and healthy foods. Turnip and mint and onion sandwiches on the lunch menu tomorrow.

We had a fight . One (had been about a year and we were due)

(He fell asleep in the middle of a crisis I was having and was bawling my eyes out and he was snoring) Ok Ok it was 1 am but still! It was about our own child!

I had a big morning cry the next day in his arms as Chase may stay an extra week working at dircamp and miss our family vacation. Tbd . I feel broken hearted truly. A whole other post.

I had a headache for 3 days and lots of back pain and neck pain –but this did not stop me from this precious and frantic week.

Hubby (title attorney) closes his office for three weeks and that is not easy!

We slept in each other arms and slept outside a lot. We took hot tubs in morning and took our time with reading the papers in the sun before work.

And in between all of this craziness we had a crazy work life and a lot of fun in between. This week’s formula worked for me!

We just talk talk talk . He is so much calmer than I am. This calms me. If you ask me what the cornerstone to a successful marriage is ... its weeks like this that matter. When your role of parents becomes further from your memory than closer juts for a short temporary amount of time. You done need a boat or a hot tub or a cottage-all you need is a place to send the kids and each other. You need Time for relationships to water them and see them grow. Make Time. Claim it. 

When you get to take a real break from cooking and driving everyone around and texting then every minute. Working becomes easy peasy when that is you only responsibility in life.

Now comes the next fun 6 days.

I bought 15 books to read!!! And bought hubby 2 :)) 

Off we go .

To bliss and well deserved relaxation for the mind and soul.This will be my first real mind vacation since the big career transition that I have had not a minute to reflect on and ponder and process and grieve.

If you had asked me a year and a half ago if it would have been possible for my husband to start a three week vacation without a martini in hand to bring it on ... I would have told you "

“Absolutely not possible”

It is possible.

I was wrong.

It’s not our Plan A..but it’s a good enough Plan B

What this year has taught us is that with hard work and passion, deliberateness, vulnerability, authenticity and full commitment and dedication..And the vision of two never ever giving up on us or each other. Fighting the hard battles hand in hand ..

Anything is possible .

And that is a sweet, sweet unexpected surprise I am glad we stuck around long enough for each other to indulge in the sweet smell of success

Ebb and Flow

I remember reading a book when our kids were little called “Eating, Sleeping and Getting up”

It was so simple and stressed the importance of getting these basics fundamentals right with little ones (which we did). I loved the simplicity of it all. I remember for years after my passwords would always be “backtothebasics” and symbolized for me how happiness and peace come from the daily things in life and not the big things. A good meal in the belly, a needed rest, and some good rituals as we awake and throughout the day is really all we need.

And for the most part for my kid’s’ lives they have had all this.

And me to on many levels yes but with lots of holes in between. Periods of time when I got too busy to do the things that make me happy and peaceful such as exercise, sleep well, eat well, listen to music, write, spend time doing something useless etc.

By the weekends I was exhausted and would literally fall asleep on the couch as we arrived at the cottage at midnight on Friday nights. Literally as I walked in the door I fell asleep on the nearest couch always.

Any time off work was spent on vacation or at the cottage on leisure. Hence why if the weather did not cooperate I was as sad as had so little time to enjoy these precious moments.

In these more mentally turbulent career times right now-I find myself having more Ebb and Flow. Much more of it actually. To the point that I am not sure how I ever lived without it.

This week I planned for 2.5 days of work and 2.5 days transition into vacation week. I actually did yesterday what I wanted to do. That day was partially spentworking and the other half listening to classical music and sorting through recipes to cook on vacation (ok clarification have husband cook)

(My Dad in his grave would be so happy about the classical music part).

I actually enjoyed this time. It felt very precious to me actually. It felt like a world was opening up, slowly but surely. A world I have never ever ever been part of and have never really been invited too..or more importantly have not even wanted to be invited to.

It’s not like I like that world yet…not at all. That world is not mine. But I like playing in in and exploring it. I like testing out how it makes me feel.

 I like seeing what having one life feels like..vs having very often two with competing demands. I like trying this hat on for a while as uncomfortable as it makes me feel (juts like praying makes me widely uncomfortable!)…I know that there are lessons to be learned for me through it all.

All this became very clear to me going through the bag from work that same precious day from my last day at the office. What do I find? My last badge there…dates on the day I left with three important words:

Flow and Massive Success.

This is what I know for sure.

Family of Five this Summer

written sunday..
 

For my own records wanted to write what everyone is up to this summer 2015 .

Such a different summer in so many ways... Want to remember it.

Beauty: day after school ended, dance camp began.

At the school for her program began. Daily... Strict. Ballet, modern, contemporary, jazz, hip hop, improvs.

Then she went to a friend’s cottage for 4 days.

Then she had one day home and when to a friend's

 grandparents cottage for another 4 days. 

12 hrs in between and today off to camp for 2 weeks and then cottage with us for vacation for 2 weeks.

Ps beauty has been a very very busy girl. We let her skip dance camp one day just to have a day in front of the two to relax! August will be lower key.

she Will have a couple of weeks to

bike to pool and hang out.

Bear- competitive kayak and canoe has defined his summer. Every morning since school ended on the lake at 7:15 am... Then back home a few hrs (often with a crew of friends playing basketball and eating up a storm (and then back for kayak practice for 3pm.

Every day.

Often goes to sports parks programs in between for soccer etc. .

Have had many races and competitions and this year  and has been bringing home the golds and bronzes in war canoes.

Tanned, muscular ... This intense physical activity is showing!

A very content and happy teen. More distant lately which is normal I guess for his age? Miss him..

Preoccupied with his own life :)

Leaving camp 2 weeks today and then 1 week vacation with us and then back with my mom and chase for a week here to prep for kayak provincials in August (we go to that one for the weekend and volunteer)

Also preparing for Nationals which this year is in Ottawa and will have him and his friends miss the first 3 days of school ( if his marks were not so good I would never allow this but I know for him it's fine ) They will all stay in a room together all week without parents and race !

Not much down time for Bear this summer but he likes it this way. Vacation at cottage week will be his relaxation time 

Chase:

Chase had the first couple of weeks of summer busy with finalizing getting his driver’s license and all the grad activities (grad camping, parties etc.) once he got his license he had three days to show it off and spend three days in our car driving it around to his girlfriend's and friends’ homes and enjoying the freedom of it all.  ( I walked everywhere those three days)

Then he left a week ago for three weeks to DirtCamp where he is a counsellor in training for the second summer at an extreme downhill biking camp. This year he even teaches biking to the kids. And he has a partially paid contract there (and partially volunteer work) for landscaping, painting off jobs etc of the owners home which is a 40

Min bike ride away. This summer will keep him in shape!

Then comes home with other two kids and at cottage for a week family vacation. Then for all

Of August is working at his old high school on odd jobs and bookstore 5 days a week. He has expenses now that high school is over and so making money to pay them.

Bear and beauty at camp we have no contact with. Chase can contact us and already has a couple of times but are encouraging minimal contact.

For us this is part of the experience of being away. And growing up. And figuring it out yourself. With Chase especially a little hard as not a camp with supervision etc... He is on his

Own with a bunch of guys. Doing what he wants. But we trust him to make good choices. And he does.

The other two can sneak phones and texl us if they want but we say no.

It's a good mental break for all

Of us on many levels.

Leaving for camp is a very hectic weekend. Combine one in Otterburn for Races and friends surprise bday at night .. And one gets home from 4 day cottage stay in Louisville... Repack bags and off we go.

I remember fondly the days of camp when we would all be huddled at cottage savouring the last family moments together on the lake.

Now they savor the last moments on their phones, saying goodbye to friends, their stomachs too anxious for the Panini and ice cream sandwiches on the menus. Life has changed. Life with teens is nothing like life with little kids. Not should

It be..

Next week hubby and I without kids working more week and work our asses off to be able to take 3 weeks’ vacation. But at night we do fun things. We are bringing boat back

To city for that week and at night using it... Dinners out every night.. Plans with friends in evenings ... Early morning boat rides and bike rides by the canal... Massages at night . Long work days but leisurely evenings with no cooking. or cleaning

And then off for three weeks!  One alone... One with all five... And one with Beauty and her BFF! 

A different summer for sure. The beginnings of many changes  ahead.

Up a Little Higher

And we'll go up , up, up

But I'll fly a little higher,

Go up in the clouds, because the views's a little nicer

Up here, my dear

It won't be long now, it won't be long now

(ps  lyrics symbolizing  my career and not death!)

I don’t have  even have a picture-and am glad I don’t.

Some things are made to stay just in our hearts in life

These special ladies surrounded me with so much diversity and so much specialness. It was a gift to spend 2 days and an overnight with them all. To get to see who my Mom loves too…makes my heart expand.

I have always wanted to know my Mom’s friends. For so many years has been a missing link for me for someone I am so close too-to be further from the world she inhabits when she is so close to mine in so many ways . I like that for the last few years I have gotten to know her world more closely through the different birthday parties we had and now through these two days at the cottage with her buddies.

On the second day specifically it was as cool for me as they were all so interested in what I do for work and specifically the book I wrote. It was like a professional  panel of people asking me question after question and asking me to expand on so many ways I preach and also live my life. I loved every second of it and really was intellectually stimulating for me too. I miss working at a large company for these types of conversations that I used to have daily-and was happy to engage it in for that day.

Felt a bit like a paparazziJ))))

And was cool for my Mom to see me in that element. My more work/speaker element. We all hold ourselves back from our parents a bit in life don’t we? Don’t let them indulge too much in the full potential capabilities we have? Don’t let them in on our full potential?

Was interesting for me to observe her observing me through their eyes.

And one so much on her journey on vulnerability and authenticity and so clearly open to the world around us and what it has to offer and what she gives it back specifically with her mind and heart  so fully tuned in and engaged.

The other so connected spiritually to the world and striving to combine prayer and action in her beautiful, direct yet soft way.

The other so trusting of life and accepting-a quality that is so rare and wonderful and unique and so powerful-a powerful loving curious nature she has.

The last-the one I know the least who touched me so profoundly when she said “ I wish you were my mom” could there be a sweeter compliment? And her hugs so unexpected and true. It touched me to the core.

They all did

.

And seeing my Mom amongst them. Loved. Loving. Her own world…a world apart from me. Her world.

They all want to buy a copy of my book. They will all get a copy next week-that is certain-but will be my gift to them. They gave me so many gifts that day (more than they could know).

Most importantly  they are all getting VIP front seat tickets to my “Lauren -Kate solves the problems of  the world 1 minute flat!!” future TV showJ))

Jealousy

My husband is mighty jealous tonight. He will be tomorrow too.

Is it because I have a hunky new guy flirting with me?

Is it because I am getting to close to a male friend?

Making more money than him lately?

No. No. No.

It is because I am at the cottage for two days without him. In 30 degree weather. And this to him is far worse than anything aboveJ

For the first time since the layoff-I feel lucky today for the flexibility in my schedule and the life I may be able to get used to.

Once a summer I always lend the cottage to my Mom and her buddies for 5 days. Today she arrived with five of her friends and I am staying with them today and tomorrow and leaving end of afternoon.

I am having a Fab timeJ))))) this is super fun to get to know all of these great ladies better.  My Mom has such diverse and nice friends and it is a treat to get to hang out with them.

Was funny as was putting on my pyjamas for dinner (always do this at cottage or anywhere else if I am honest!) As I was putting them on I thought to myself “maybe it is rude to wear pyjamas when you are a guest at dinner?” then I realized that it is my cottage after all! Pyjamas it was.

Most of these ladies love to read too and so have been talking about books a lot. Religion too-had some great conversations at the table over a delicious meal that Laura made. Topped it off with homemade chocolate chip cookies she made. Tomorrow is banana muffins for breakfast. Yummy.

So Hubby yes you may be feeling jealous. I feel bad for you, but I feel good for me.

For the first time in almost 4 months I am claiming a couple of days back for myself. In the sun. Doing something so totally out of my normal routine. Maybe this is what a severance package is supposed to be???

The sweet feel of summer. Caressing my senses. Indulging my heart. Even a prayer or two thrown in there just because it felt good.

I feel good. The heavy blanket of last week is starting to lift. Sunshine is waiting.