Leaning In

No I did not make up this brilliant term. The COO of Facebook did and wrote a whole book about it that I just finished.

Loved it. Made me realize how hungry my mind is lately for new information. I have read a ton this summer but mostly teen stuff, work life balance stuff, marriage stuff, parenting stuff and lots and lots of fiction. I only read 3 business books this summer and my mind missed this arena to play in.

Once I finished the book last night…..I questioned what I have been “leaning into” the last 15 yrs. The answer was clear to me: My family (and close friends) and my career. In that order. Both.

Career wise I have much more potential than I actually feel I can demonstrate in fear of being promoted! I know that this sounds very very odd. I already have a very great management job and ton of authority and decision making power…but I could have more…I could do more…I know that. I think my company knows it too .But I hold back….If I could give you an analogy it feels like I put the brakes only own talent ..out of fear…out of knowing that if I take the brakes off this car is going to go really really fast and where would that leave my family?

In short I pretty much try to do it all. And I pretty much succeed in many ways. But there is a cost to it of course and that cost is becoming clearer to me lately.

I liked analyzing what I have been leaning into any why. With three young kids at home and a big pharmaceutical carer, coaching and writing a book it should be evident that my life is not easy to balance. So that in itself has been what I have been leaning into. Just trying to maintain balance in and of itself-reaching for some type of equilibrium which allows me to maintain my family values, nurture my marriage, be there for my kids and perform at a very good level in my career.

After reading this book I felt like it may be time to lean into something else. It ignited something in me….put fire in my belly.

And it was not coincidence that I read this book on that particular day (I had a day off Friday as a vacation day and Hubby and I at cottage just two of us and crappy weather but lots of relaxation and reading and sleeping, sleeping and sleeping).

Thursday was one of my top 5 days in my almost 9 yr career there. We had a quarterly huge meeting for the company like we always do with all the bells and whistles. It was soooooo inspiring and amazing. I felt like I was on cloud nine by the end of it. The patient testomonials, the social responsibility presentations, the introductions, the celebrations. All of it. What affected me most was that the President was presenting a big presentation he and I worked on a lot together and right before the presentation he took me aside and gave me some really really great feedback and told me that he respected me a lot. That I had displayed corporate courage the week before.

Gloating is the only word I can express that would adequately describe how I felt. So proud, full of adrelenine. Full of spirit and intellect and drive and happiness. All things I usually try to achieve within my family and often do. And sometimes I do not.

It’s time to lean in to where I am at at right now. Lean in. Go for it.Stop the brakes, put on the overdrive. Get more of that adrenaline feeling that I felt in that chair for those three hours and during the porc feta taco jungle juice celebration that ensued afterwards.

I love the part of the book where the author says that woman even years away from having a child often partially mentally check out of careers knowing what lies ahead from them in balancing family and career life. Even before they have a baby in their hands they are planning how to balance it all and give up opportunities, promotions, projects that could totally heighten both their careers and their psyches. Unless they have a stay at home husband at home (still very very rare) many woman massively put on the brakes of their own success and been their own fulfillment.

She asks what would you do in your career if you were not afraid.

God good question my dear.

Personally I try not to think about it much

What would I do? I am a corporate girl at heart..love the buzz..love the action, love the risks, the room for error, the accountability, the politics, the gossip. Love it all.

That I know.

But I am still afraid. Of what I am not sure? Of myself? Probably yes.

So I am going to try this leaning in thing for fit. Beginning next Wednesday precisely. Yes I am. Here I come.

And you know what as I lean in more, I nag less that is a fact. I am more relaxed too that is a fact. My kids are happier, the is a true fact. My husband is happier too-that is a real fact.

Last week for a wide variety of reasons I was out 5 nights in the evenings and home in time to tuck them all in bed. And it was a great week for them and for me. Would I want it this way all the time? Never! But it was ok for that week and for the week in two weeks when I am offsite and the week in 6 weeks where I have an event every evening either professional or personal. Yes it is!

It occurred to me last night.

Oh my god…I have grown my kids. Not fully grown and watered but well on their way. They are doing a whole lot of growing on their own now and when I am not there they know lunches need to be made and chores done and lists crossed off and what time (sort of plus an hour) to get into bed.

They do it their way. And there way is good enough isn’t it? They have my nagging voice so strongly in their heads it propels them to do at least half of what my expectations would have been if I had been there .And I leaned into them so much my dent is still there and has made its mark. I will still lean in for sure …….but maybe I also need something else to lean onto too?

This will be interesting. Really really really interesting.

What life would look ,like without the brakes on? Hmmmmmm……

It’s amazing where a day of reading and sleep and relaxation can take you isn’t it?

Daring Greatly

Daring Greatly

I am reading the phenomenal book this week by Brene Brown on Vulnerability. Super interesting subject. And interesting how it came to my attention too.. Three people referred it to me for no apparent reason. Two had not even read it. I am usually the one referring books to people and rarely is it the other way around.

One said to me, the one who had read it: “This book is YOU. This is your personal brand. What makes you special”.

As I read it I see what a huge compliment this is. The book is all about having the courage to be vulnerable. And how much courage it takes to lead this kind of life. To open yourself, your heart, your emotions. To dig deeply and importantly. All for the sake of connection.

This books speaks to me (although I secretly think I could have written in in a more vulnerable way). Here the author is an expert on the subject and she is way too stoic for my liking. A bit too stiff and unattached for someone writing from her heart. She needs to take it up a notch in my humble opinion (given that she is the one invited to TED..and clearly not me (yet!)

I like how she talks about the notion of foreboding joy due to fear. I do that all the time. I am a walking forboding joy girl. “Oh that hug might be my last-might as well not give it!” Or “ya we are getting closer I am sure she will die soon and leave me lonely” or “can’t show too much tenderness as he will reject me and my heart will break”..”might as well not love him too much as he will move out one day anyways”

She articulated what I have always known.

And she talks a lot about shame too. I realize that my Dad when I was growing up caused a lot of shame in me that has made its mark on my life.One of the important things I remember with a big impact was the fact that he did not drive a car. We lived amongst the middle class in the suburbs and this ashamed me to the core. Tore me apart actually. Even to this day I will rarely tell people that we did not have a car and that neither parent drove. It is much harder for me to admit than many many other things. Why the shame is there Brown would say, is that I felt this could not be expressed. That I could not be vulnerable and admit it to my parents or my friends at the time. Admitting this shame could have set me free from it.

And her view on happiness and achievement and how they fit together or not fit together. She says the balance of both is the ultimate goal-which is a view I both share and aim for in my life. A life of both achievement and happiness. Not one at the expense of the other. A tricky balance to succeed in doing and hard to master..but she agrees the ultimate success story. True achievement and true bliss. What I want said in my eulogy that is certain (subtle hints for any of you willing speakersJ)

Overall I love the concept of vulnerability and I believe, as Brown does, that it is really the only true form of communication. And the only thing in life that will truly set you free.

Both being able to express what is inside of you….and receive (without guilt and shame) what others say say about you. And receive it as a gift.And she is clear about feedback. The receiver has to be ready-and also the giver in the right state to be giving feedback (if you have just wronged someone or have been hurting them your whole life-don’t expect a great reaction if you then tell them all the nasty things about themselves) To give feedback you must ensure you have done unto others what you yourself expect.

Made me think of the saying that people often use when someone is very vulnerable in their communication “ that they are trying to get rid of what is inside them and out it onto you”. I disagree with this, A lot.

I think everyone should not only have the right to get what is bothering them off their chest-but it is a gift –if done graciously to the receiver. And ultimately it is cruel to hold hidden grudges. The gift of proper, well timed and well intentioned feedback to me is the show of the highest signal of nurturing and caring.As long as once you give the feedback ..you are ready for the person response and perspective about YOU.

So I am very proud that a few people out there think that vulnerability is my personal brand. It is one that I am proud of because I have worked hard to be both head and heart in my life in all the roles that I hold both professionally and personally. Each day I show vulnerability myself, I see and feel the benefits of this vulnerability even if it is often it is hard and challenging and tough. Each day as I expose myself more and more……and show deeper sides of myself to the ones I love..I still struggle with it.

But when I do it I see the power…on others…the connection..the way they smile at me. The way they respect me and genuinely care for me very quickly. I see the power of vulnerability and what it does to access this in others.

I am not fully there yet. But day by day I become more and more undone..Which to me is magnificent.

And less and less do I forebode joy too. I admit to myself what both shames me and makes me feel guilt. I open treasure chests that set me free and allow music and writing into my heart. Each day I get closer to knowing what exactly is inside of me and reaching in and pulling her out.

“Daring Greatly” should be read by all. Taught to all at workplaces and beheld by families and institutions.

Vulnerability will be the next corporate culture buzz. Just wait and see.

 

Gift from the Sea

This is a great book I have been meaning to read for over a decade. Today was the day.

Unlikely given that I am at a big party. A college reunion of sorts for my Hubby and a bunch of his friends at a Caban a Sucre and the gorgeous cottage now of one of his long time and close friends. It was a great day .

And then it was time for games for the afternoon. I quite hate board games .. So I gave myself my own gift.

I asked our hostess if she would be offended if I snuggled up on a couch in the solarium overlooking the mountains to read by myself while the other 30 people gathered in different corners of this huge cottage and played various games for 7 hrs straight !

Of course she said yes and I am having a great afternoon blogging and reading.

I love seeing my boys play and win poker. For money too! Certainly a new stage. Bear literally almost cleaned out 12 poker playing adults!!! Chase played too for hours and had a great day. They seem to love hanging out with adults and adults seem to love hanging out with them.

I love seeing my daughter run around this massive property with two younger boys she met here and them call her for some reason by her full formal name and not the short name that everyone else calls her by. They both asked for her phone number and were completely enamored :)) It's a good day. And Gifts of the Sea is a real treat.

I love the way she describes marriage and its stages. In the same way a child goes through various development stages so does a marriage.. And it needs to  in order to be healthy long term. If it does not go through each stage she says something is wrong and trouble will hit eventually. You can’t skip a stage .

Just like an adolescent.

After finishing that chapter I observed the 15 couples around me and tried to guess how many years they had been married? Less than 7 yrs? More than 10? More than 15? 25??

It was an easy test. Even without knowing these people well I scored 90 percent. It's obvious. And through reading this book it was even clearer.

Nothing to do with the clichés of affection of non-affection. So much more than that. Each phase has a different look.. A feel... And each stage is just as beautiful as the next.. And just as different. You can see a marriage and its stages. The security and comfort that builds year after year . Year after year having less and less to prove to the outside world and also to each other . The comfort and security that comes with every passing year of being loved and loving as the author puts it.

And then she talks about the importance of alone time in life with yourself,. as a couple, with each child.

“Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me" is how she describes a child's innate need to have his or her parents know him outside of the larger family.

In that space where there is no competition or equality or inequality or fairness. To be loved alone.

Her words solidified my reasons for our alone trips with each of our children. That precious time for them and us. It sounds silly but I can't wait until next year for that trip with Beauty to truly and utterly bond with her. Imagine waiting for a trip to do so??? Silly! But shows the impact those trips have. Bear has probably become the closest person in my life since his trip and because of his trip.

 

I love the gifts that gifts of the sea offered me on marriage and parenthood. And I am not even finished yet.

I decided that by opting out of games today instead of grinning and bearing it.. To be true to myself.. And to honor my time and my soul. To give myself what I needed and craved.

There is never enough time in time to do what we want to do. When we have the opportunity of that time... We need to use it. And indulge in it.. And claim it as our own

I will head downstairs now to have drinks and eat a lovely dinner and dessert. I will hold my husband in a close hug and be grateful for our almost 17 yrs of marriage and for the life  and love and comfort and security it continues to give us everyday. The foundation of our lives that we have built long and hard and carved out it seems forever.

And I will plan for at some time in the next year my gift of the sea and perhaps a few wonderful days of solitude. A few days or maybe even a week where I sequester myself in solitude at the cottage, on the lake, near the water and the mountains..... To write my little heart out and to write the book that has been inside of me for years

A separate project and in addition to the book I am co-authoring and that I am  also so excited about.

 

My book. Mine. The book that feels like it has been inside of me for a lifetime the one that Oprah the other night inspired in me to be written out loud and spoken one day. I am really really excited about the next decade of my life. A few years ago I was not fully in this space. Now I am again and that feels so good. I am finally there.  I am starting to know what peace feels like.

I think I have finally arrived at my final destination..

 

The beginning of Phase 2.

Until recently I never really knew a Phase 2 existed!

 

 

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

No this gorgeous title is not mine. It is a book from the author Katrina Kenison that I have been devouring over the last month. I have read two out of three so far and look forward to the final one.

In doing so I have been taken on a journey of gratitude. For my life, for my family, for my work and for everything else that I so often take for granted.

Today was a perfectly ordinary day at the cottage and what I have realized is that this is what I crave. Just the gift of a plain day. And my husband feels exactly the same way-we both discussed this skating hand in hand today.

As we get older (ok now I sound officially more than 40!) I am learning to listen more to body mind and heart as far as my preferences are concerned. We have been learning that although we might appear a bit boring lately, we are very content just doing what we do best: hanging out and being with each other.

There were years of our lives where we craved seeing others, craved filling in time with more exciting things to do, when we wanted to go out instead of staying in. Where we entertained much more than we do now and seemed to have much more time to share. We were always homebodies to some degree but not to the level we are now. Something has changed for us in the last year or two making our time feel more precious and our preferences to hunker down and stay home as often as possible just the five of us.

Maybe it is having two in high school now? Maybe one in ski competition? Maybe the carpool we lost? Or the family nights, surprise dinners and 1-1 dates that are more deliberate and take up more time? Maybe our jobs are more demanding? Maybe we are just getting older?

Very likely is it that our 5 days a week careers are so much more than jobs. They suck every ounce of energy out of us and are intellectually very demanding. By the weekend there seems to be nothing left. We love our jobs, but just like private school, they come at a cost too. Choices that have massive benefits but also come at a sacrifice especially as far as energy is concerned. That being said we would never change our careers.

So whatever the reason today was just cozy and nice. Our boys both in final semester exams studies most the day. 1.5 hrs on. 1 hr off. 1.5 hours on. 1 hr off. Chocolate croissants in between and bread with creton. Turkey aruglas sandwiches at the counter by candlelight at lunch. Girl picked up and dropped off to skiing with hot chocolate and reading by the fire après ski. A long skate hand in hand with Hubby and a long uphill walk back to the cottage. Hubby cross country skiing back to the car when I organized the dates of our Spring weekends to ensure we get to see all out family and friends and make time for thing important to us. Working on the computers and ending the day in the Jacuzzi with a martini (him) and lemonade (me). Showers and lists with the kids to start the week of well and organized and smelling fresh. Chicken burgers and homemade tabouli.

Orange sherbet with lime yogurt and mini colored marshmallows for dessert.

I look at the lives of some of my colleagues and some of my acquaintances who go activity to activity, have friend after friend as guests in their home, go event to event, one hockey arena to another…and I think “that is not for me..right now anyways” I admire them a bit, I am in awe of them a bit, and I also feel sorry for them a bit too.

Are they happy? Are they drained? Have they made deliberate choices or did life just happen to them in that way?

It always takes me a bit by surprise that my husband and I are so content and always have been with the gift of an ordinary day. My kids seem to follow suit and that also makes me happy. And although I am surprised, I am also very content that what pleases us most in live it seems is the simplicity we each provide each other. One to the Power of Five (maybe our new family motto because it always comes back to that and that only really).

And when things change, as they surely will…my hope is that I can move into the next stage of life, with the grace and gratitude and appreciate all of the gifts of ordinary days ahead in all of their diverse and unique splendor.

 

 

 

 

Belonging

I read a book this week-a fiction one that really got to me. Tears in my mind and everything. And it is written by a pretty cheesy beach writing type too-so strange reaction.

Was about a Mother who gave up her baby for adoption and then the daughter goes to find her at 18 yrs of age.  They end up in this weird happy go lucky situation of the birth Mother and Father with the adoptive Mother and Father at the graduation of the daughter from high school.

At first she is totally fascinated by the ways and riches and coolness of her “new” birth parents and the adoptive parents are scared they will lose their daughter to this coolness. After the girl realizes that it is her adoptive parents who raised her, and saw her first steps, and were there to record her first word, and sat with her as she had her first heartache. They were her real parents even if they were not really.

Anyways made me really ponder the point of how important belonging is. And how we, I, my family, my friends, my colleagues are so much better off when we feel we do. To feel included vs.  excluded. How belonging brings out the best in us.

And how we can never give this to our kids , beyond our own family. They have to find this belonging for themselves. They have to find their own paths. We can’t make them be popular, or religious, or be good in school, or sporty. We can’t make them musical, sociable or respectful. But we can introduce them to these behaviors and guide them with these tools….and somewhere along the way they will belong…somewhere.

I have seen a few examples lately of parents squashing passion out of kids and it has bothered me. Forcing them into a mold that is not right for them (but may be right for the parent). It hurts to watch because the kids could have been so much more if they were left to become who they are…without being told they are someone else.

So this book brought sentiment out of me for whatever reason. About belonging and the hard path it is to get there..for all of us.

PS..Oh My!

 

 I had a big dinner party here on Friday night and guess what subject came up?

You got it: Fifty Shades. Just when I thought I got it out of my system.

Believe it I had recommended it to a fairly new friend of mine who is going through a major crisis. And I mean as in the most major ever. Was a risky move on my part After I did it I wish I could have taken it back.. My only goal: to make her smile a bit.

Mission accomplished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She talked about the book all evening and is going to Costco to get more (does she thinks she can buy them in bulk????)

Anyways I love that this lady loves Fifty. It confirmed to me her mixture of sweetness, sensuality, wickedness, eccentricity, lovability, daringness and plain old complexity even more. She got Grey..she was as turned off as she was turned on by it. Like all the rest of us.

Made me want to get to know her more.

I love daring books and books that connect people in the world all over the globe. It’s fascinating and unbelievable really to know that some little normal woman out there created such chaos in the world. Such strong reactions from all sorts of diverse woman and men around the world.

I love that she had this ability to have this effect on people. Shows how powerful the written word can be.

I love analyzing the reactions of people to this book around me. I find this process fascinating-it brings out so much strong emotion of people. No one so far seems neutral about this book. Seems to bring out all sort of unconscious wants, desires and fears.

This author really got the female population that is certain.

International Wickedness. Love it!

The Blessings of a B Minus

Great title eh?

I wish it were mine.

It is written by a great PHD Wendy Mogul and combines parenting techniques and the Jewish Faith.

Only half way through…but have already officially decided that if ever anyone made me become really religious one day…I think I will have to become Jewish. (It’s not going to happen but it’s still fun to think about).

I love this book. The expression from it so far that keeps running through my head is: Let God (Life) do the Work. Let Him do the work and follow His path.

I love that He and His is the child (your child) and not a mighty power. I love that the expectation is that God..means Life…and that your child is in charge of doing the work and finding his true path.

I have always heard from many religions the notion of we don’t own our children they are lent to us. It resonates with me.. But I love that in this book the kids own their paths; they make their decisions. They make their mistakes…they screw up….they recover and their God happily smiles down upon them with flaws and all. He accepts them for whoever they are and who they become.

This He knows full well that those little and big kids are supposed to make mistakes all the time and all along the way.

So I think I rather like the Jewish religion based on this book anyways. It makes sense to me.

There have often been a lot of things about various religions that I have admired…and many other aspects which really don’t sit well with me. Some parts draw me in and other parts turn me off completely.

I often feel a bit reluctant about writing about religion or politics on my blog since so many people have a differing view and belief systems. I never want to offend in any way, but on the other hand I think religious views are very important to people whether religious or not and it is part of my own growth to write on some of mine and explore these feelings.  Lucky for me I come from a close  and diverse circle of many people with many various beliefs. We are all very respectful of each sharing our own personal views.

For me, I  think the show-stopper in general about many of the religions I know about so far is that I perceive that they all hold that we are supposed to make mistakes and find your right paths, but yet the rules are often so prescriptive so to me a large contradiction in so many ways.

“Welcome to the pearly white gates of Heaven person….you can come in if:”

You have not had pre-marital sex

You have respected your neighbor

You have not screwed up to much in your life

You pray to me at least three times a day

Or if you have done all the above but still want a place in my Kingdom you must sit in a little booth and apologize for all your wrong doings behind a curtain and then..maybe I will let you in…

Etc..etc..etc…

Where is the mistake making part?  Where does that fit in? What about individuality and the people that might not fit into certain profiles....do they have to conform to be accepted?

So I felt like the God in the Jewish parenting book I am reading is someone who I could potentially get to know. Sounds like he is aware of his own shortcoming and imperfections and more than willing to let all of us humans also make a whole bunch of them.

In terms of parenting, what I appreciate about this book is that the Jewish faith expects parenting to be really, really tough and also life for kids and teens  to be really really tough too. There’s a lot of mental growing that goes on…and it is not to be taken lightly. Jews think life is better when it is harder.

That our kids, are different from us and as much as we think we may know what they need, or not need, or want or not want. We don’t know. And neither does a higher power for that matter.

Our children our unique beings with their own lives to lead, their own joys to discover and their own sorrows to cry. We can help and assist that path..but it never belongs to us or to anyone.

And we should not mold it too much or else we risk interfering.  Life is a series of lessons to be taught..

Let Life teach.

Shades of Porn

This will be a short post. It has to come out of my brain.

I am in the middle of the third book of the famous trilogy “Shades of Grey” and I have come to the conclusion that I have a love hate relationship with this series.

Let’s be clear here. This trilogy is not a story-it is porn. And I am not sure if it is hard or soft porn as I don’t know porn very well.

So do I like this porn? I liked the first porn book a lot.

The second scared me a lot.

The third bores me a lot, but it seems too late as now I seem to be addicticted to this porn just like every woman, hairdresser, bus driver, receptionist and female in the world it seems.

Next thing we know nuns at my daughter’s camp will be reading this stuff and try to say that God approves of their “love”.

I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t do drugs (is an Advil a day for curing my headaches from noisy kids a drug problem?)

However  my bad habits seem to include swearing, gambling twice a year for the big bucks and more recently reading porn!!!! Oh ya and I drink milk too with my dessert .

I like the porn part, just as much as anyone but I mean can by the third book can we please have a little bit of a story line going on here????? Or at least a third party involved in these sexual acts? I mean how many pages of the same two people having sadistic sex can we read about????  And they are faithful to each other too-I mean come on..Enough is enough after 2.5 books. Spank her some more, tie her up and blindfold her, and put her to bed with some milk and cookies again and get on with it already!

But….I still go to bed and read it and awake and read it. It peeks my curiosity and I especially love that when Grey is on important business calls he holds his arms of to Anastasia to cuddle in his lap.

Ultimately I love the way he loves her. I love how he adores her. That part is particularly sweet.

And no I am not one of those lucky women who this book has the effect of spicing up my own life. It has not changed me or my marriage into these two characters.

If anything it has made me feel like why can’t I be adored like that? What is so great about Ana and her little boobs anyways? One of my buddies keeps texting me and saying that is crazy and of course it is fiction only and not real life and that there is as much chance of real people having sex that many times a day as being kidnapped.

But I still hold that kidnapping is a very real threat out there in this big bad worldJ

So I still have half a book to finish so my opinions might change between now and then and I still have the movie to see which I am dying to see who they cast in this X-rated porn movie…….but for now :

I just wish we could call a spade a spade. This is erotic porn we are all reading around the world and we all like it very much. Let’s not pretend that Anastasia Steele or Christian Grey have anything remotely exciting about to offer in terms of literature.

And let’s not pretend that keeping this book within the reaches of our kids is not the same as leaving out a page of porn on our computers for them to see.  I personally felt like a I had to admit to my 14 yr old that yes it is porn.

But we love these character anyways. And something about them stirs something about us all in different ways. The writer is brilliant to have written this just as the world seemed to need it. More than anything I wish I was the author who wrote these goldmines.

Gotta get back to my book.

Oh my.

Bookworm

I can be a bit obsessive when it comes to books. Whenever I have a long vacation coming up…I get really nervous and start to feel that I may not have enough books to read, so I always go buy more.

So this year for my 3 weeks vacation (with 3  kids keep in mind,so not like I have all the time in the world to sit there and read!) I bought 22 books and borrowed 5 others. And I have 4 that I had bought last month that I have not read.

Box after box is being shipped to my husband’s office. He is bewildered at how I will possibly read more than 1.5 books per day?

But I will.

(....and be available for most the day to hang out with my family and kids and hopefully be somewhat emotionally present).

When it comes to books I always find a way. Likely the 5 days we don’t have the kids I will double up and maybe read 3 books per day? Or stay up until 3am overnight on my vacation? Or read every spare moment I get (aka while peeing on the toilet, floating on the lake, while kids make dinner with hubby, while they golf).

My Dad also was a speedreader so some of that got handed down to me. I absorb the page as quickly as some people gulp down a cold beer on a hot day. Often however I read more slowly to enjoy it more…indulge in it and savor the pages.

I love reading and am actually fascinated that I have never joined a book club. I rarely discuss my books,which I should. I just indulge in them. I am vowing to find a bookclub this Fall..it needs to be done. And hoping to have a few of my friends join with me-great way to see eachother more often.

I always buy a mix of three categories (Fiction, Self Help or Business and Parenting)

This year I have 15 parenting books and all are how to survive teens. After 21 days of studying this……I think I will be mighty fine on the survival of them and set up for a good long whileJ

Fiction is always all over the place-from light and beach-to heavy or ethnic focused to whatever anyone recommends to me. My taste for fiction is very, very diversified. I love absorbing myself into other people’s lives and problems. As long as there is drama and tragedy in it..I am there! I also seem to like Shades of Grey too! Finished second one and still scared to open third one. But I most definately WILL. Grey and Anastsia bring out a crazy mix of emotion in me.

Self help is whatever topic I am obsessed about at that given moment. For this year seems to be peace, happiness and the more Buddhist approach to life. Other years could be professional and career, business books and money focused. Other year could be marriage and couple or health and fitness.

If you look at my bookshelves-you know where I am at at that point and time.

I grew up with one entire level of our home being completely devoted to a library…literally thousands of books.

That I never, ever touched. What a crying shame that my way to rebel against my Dad was to not be obsessed like he was with reading. Just to ensure I did not make him too proud.

So hopefully one day my children will find love in books. So far they have not. They read for school and often like the books…but takes a lot for any of them to get into a good summer read…or enjoy it. Sometimes when they are not being forced to, I see them pick up something and it makes my heart wild with pride. It happens very seldomly though. I have to say I have been a crappy Mom in this area; I am not sure I read more than one fairytale to any of my kids, seems crazy since I have such a love of books? Guess we can’t win them all can we..?

I look at my two bookworm nieces and I am so utterly happy for them. They will always have their books….forever. I miss that for my kids as they seem so dependent on others, and each other. Where for people who love books…..books are often their best friend.

I like having friends too, but books are a close second.

So all in all I am looking very forward to my upcoming vacation, to sleep in later, to nap, to swim, to kayak, to eat cupcakes and to read. To come back a smarter person than I was 3 weeks prior. To be an expert on teens by then in terms of knowlege read (as will have read 67 other books this year on this subject so will now have 82 read)..And to come back with a plan, a vision and a strategy of what they next 8 yrs. of our lives will look like and how I can best support it. Then to take that to the next level and coach on it specifically and write my own books on it.

To come back happily spent from my weeks of the written word. With a sparkle in my eyes and love in my heart.

Books are right up there for me, with sleeping on water and messing around on boats. I think the way I feel about books is the way most people feel about drinking , sex and gardening.

Are you Adding too much Value?

At a work meeting this week I attended the seminar of Dr. Marshall-author of the Best selling book " What got you Here Won't get you There"

There were many things I took away from his keynote address, but the most important one was:

We often focus more on teaching people what to start doing rather than teaching them what to stop doing.

Often people , either in the workplace or in personal life, can be close to perfect in their interactions, dealings and relationships....if only they would stop....????
Or could control??
Or could understand how annoying it is when????
If they became aware of the ????? And accepted it and changed it-their success would reach new heights.

And what keeps them from changing these destructive behaviors? Lack of self awareness. They usually don't know the impact they have on others.

I loved this seminar. Loved it.

I thought of all the annoying things I must be doing that could potentially be keeping me from reaching my own highest potential. I thought of others around me and wonder how their lives would alter as well with a good dose of 360 degree feedback.

Feedback is a gift-if we can digest it that way. It's an opportunity and an honor.

Dr Marshall taught me a number of things in that simple hour. Made me keenly aware of the power of expertise and the importance of knowledge sharing to really touch and impact the lives of others.

We all went home with more than a book in our hands that day. We left with inquiries, questions and reflections on our own lives and the habits of those surrounding us. It was a powerful day.

No..But..However...will slowly make their way out of my sentence beginnings as I am sure they will in all of us who attended this workshop

Yes..I will. Ok...make their way into our interactions a whole lot more.

Setting your Day

“Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude”

(Denis Waitley)

“Setting your Day”

This term really resonated with me from the book Blissology by Andy Baggott.

He is right. We receive what we want and invite into our lives.

He says the cure to depression is to watch the sunset for 10 days. I would not doubt it for a single second.

I think more often than not, we set our day in the wrong way. We expect a friend to disappoint us, and so she does, we expect our child to put up a fuss with the food placed in front of him and so he does. We expect that the snow storm will make us late for work and so we are.

What if we were to invite beautiful moments in our life much more often? What if we were to expect them? Part of my Happiness Project (update post on that within the next few week btw) is about just that. It’s about just focusing on some of the small stuff in my life that makes me happy vs. the bigger buckets.

Like this morning:  I always work in the  early morning.  Always. And I exercise after working in the morning three of those days. But today I just gave myself a half an hour break to crawl back in bed and read beside my birthday boy husband. It felt very indulgent but it was the right thing to do. I did it simply because I wanted to. Today. That moment.

Or yesterday I just gave myself permission to sit there for about 20 minutes and watch my two sons interact. One was doing a photography project for school and was using the other one as a model. Each time the model would get the pose right the photographer would yell out “Superstar!”. It was so damn cute. I loved just watching it. Enjoying it. Enjoying them.

Writing represents  that to me too-it sets my day in so many ways. It is Gratitude in the purest form for me. Makes me appreciate all the small moments in between and gives me a snapshot of where my life is at and also how far I have come. One moment at a time.

At my door tonight-another Mom just told me that her son was accepted to a great program at a school he was waitlisted for, I was so happy for him. This kid is  so deserving.  When she asked me about Bear and his waitlist position I very calmly said" I am very confident he will get in. We just have to be patient” I felt peaceful and calm and confident. Why? Because I believe it and because I am choosing to set my day. Choosing the next actions that will occur. It will come to me. I am inviting it. I am dreaming it to life.

Basically I believe we design our future-I truly do. As Baggot says if we are ill, we need to focus on health and getting better. If we are poor we need to focus on getting richer. If we are unhappy we need to focus on getting happy.

If we are feeling down and depressed we need to set our day. We need to get up and watch the sunrise.

Or end of day by watching the sunset.

The Happiness Project

It’s rare I read a book twice. Probably never.

I just however broke my own rule and read “ The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin again. A good friend of mine just finished it and has been discussing it with me so I figured I wanted to brush up on some of it again so that she and I could discuss in more length.

I am so happy that I read it again. I absolutely loved it.

By the same token ,certain concepts that bothered me very much and there were certain chapters I could not wait for to be over.

A paradox. Makes it all the more interesting!

Overall though I was left with a sense of “Wow!” just like I was the first time. This is the type of book that can inspire anybody. It has an awesome way of just putting things into the simplest of terms and making us feel that anything is possible. It’s a book that appeals to ,I would imagine , just about anybody in the world and that is why I like it most. It is written for the masses. Almost guarentees success by that very fact.

I admire things that bring in a lot of money. This having been on the New York Times  Bestseller list over 2 yrs now I am imagining it is racking in the dough. Combined with a high traffic blog... I would say that Ms. Rubin must be feeling pretty cozy by now. She has done really, really well.

What I admire of her most is her ability to do what she loves, do it well, make money and do goodness in the world. She has changed so many lives by this book.

I know she has changed mine. Just today I sat and wrote my own happiness project for my life (which took me 1 hour compared to her 1 year by the way-lol!) I am very confident I will be putting this into place the minute I get home (weird characteristic of mine to “save “happiness  for real life and not start immediately on vacation? Wonder what Gretchen would think of that?)

The book hit me as one of the most practical, fun loving self books I have ever laid my hands on. For me its success is purely in its simplicity. There are many components of the book that I outright dislike  and which I will talk about later , but overall I think it is a must read for anyone wanting to live a more deliberate and fulfilled life. It is for those of us who don’t want to let life simply happen to us. It for us who want to choose as best we can how it happens and  how we live our daily life.

The part I liked the most was one of Rubin’s Secrets of Adulthood.:

What you do everyday matters more than what you do once in a while”

Love it!!!!! Honestly this one phrase totally reframed everything for me in my own life. I am highly successful at all the once and a while stuff...a true winner. It’s in the everyday stuff that I need help with. It’s applying success to everyday that has baffled me (until now).

For work that part have always come easily to me, I can succeed everyday at work. On the home front I am much more inconsistent. I have not yet nailed it down. I need development not on Passion or Precision, but on Persistence (more on the brilliant  6 P’s in a different post).

I immediately made a list of the 10 things that I will now ensure I do daily to ensure happiness. Not some days-but all days (unless I am really sick and in bed or 1 day a week I will give myself off and holidays) See again...weird me to want to take a forced break from what makes me truly happy?

I also loved Gretchen’s “Identify the Problem” concept very much. If taking a shower takes too much time after a workout and stops you from doing it-don’t stop the workout-find an activity where you don’t need to take a shower. If cooking a meal 3 times a week seems overwhelming but you love the idea of cooking-get your husband to cook and cook one delicious meal a month but don’t abandon cooking all together.

I also clearly identified with “Give Proofs of Love “So often I feel so much love in my heart but don’t give signs. I feel a smile but keep it for myself. Have a silly thought and don’t share it. I need to let my inside, more outside, more often. I need the people I love most dearly to know I love them not just by my thoughts of them, or words, or bigger actions but by smaller daily ones. I am a big picture kind of person...and often it is the small stuff that I forget.

What I found difficult about this book was that it was too academic in my opinion than it needed to be. I was very tired by the end of the countless cites and quotations of all the happiness research that went into it. I wanted to hear about Gretchen’s happiness project and felt bogged own by the many references to the studies, and philopshers and research that she had done.

Although very interesting at times I felt like this author-did not claim her territory enough in this book and relied on the thoughts of others much too heavily for such a simple self help type of book. I felt she appeared to be justifying her own thoughts and feelings much of the time-as though they belonged to others and not to her. By the end of the book I wanted to tell her to seriously lighten up already. Just smile..and write about..but stop researching and studying how to smile. Just do it! Your smile is yours and noone else’s.

I felt she did not give herself nearly enough credit for her thoughts and perceptions. I felt she was way to humble and needed to stake her territory a bit more.

Another thing about the book that bothered me at first was the “Be Gretchen “part. I felt that it came through in the book that there were clearly things about herself that she as not happy with and that she wished were different but that she did not stretch herself enough to change them or alter them-she focused more on acceptance.

However by the end of the book I felt very in harmony with the “Be Gretchen” part” I felt it was vulnerable, believable and logical to understand and accept our own innate natures and go with the flow of them instead of trying to change them. I came to peace with not always having to be in the stretch zone to be successful. She taught me something  very valuable there.

Both times I have read the book I have had a strong desire to contact the author. There is something there. An exploration maybe?  She and I have a lot in common. I actually felt both times as I read the book that she stole MY book!
However, I know as clearly as day that she is the one on Oprah, and she is the one with a second book on Happiness coming out, she is on the best seller list, and she is a genius as far as I am concerned. Who knows what my imagined book would have been? She was brilliant enough to get there first. Congrats and Kudos go to her.

I still feel there is a connection there. I feel like she and I are destined to meet one day although likely polar opposite people from the sounds of it. Her happiness project would make me miserable by the same token that mine might make her jump of the nearest cliff.. Something there nonetheless...

 I may simply want to tell her: (and give her a big hug at the same time and alot of recognition and she is too hard on herself)

"If I were you Gretchen..I would press Jamie more for those gold stars. I mean quite frankly-you are a prize to be cherished, honored, and sought after and adored. I mean look what you have achieved Madame? Not only are you widely successful-you have changed the hearts and minds and soul of millions around you with your power, intellect and generosity. Trust me..Jamie needs to give you those gold stars. Demand them.-you are worthy of every single one your heart cries out for. Go ask him for then now”.

All in all a great read. Extremely well written and practical. I am not surprised that thousands flock to this woman’s blog nightly. She is humble, she is generous in sprit, she is savvy and she possesses an intellectual and a critical mind. She has written a book that is every bit as useful as it is fun to reread and easy to apply. I have no doubt that she has touched people’s hearts across the globe with her candid, vulnerable and practical approach.

Great book Gretchen! I will use this over and over again in my own coaching of clients and refer this book to many I come across.

Thank you for especially making me aware that my next step is taking it to another level-the daily level to achieve on what is left to tackle in my own life. You have inspired me to focus on areas of my life that I have not succeeded in before.  I will guarantee you that in 6 months from now I will have made tremendous strides. First time in my life I believe I can make change in these tough areas that have been on my resolutions lists for years. How did you do that????

As you say so eloquently “Do what ought to be done” “Do it Now” and “Enjoy the Process” .

Maybe we are more alike than I think.

I would give you some serious gold stars if we meet one day. You can count on that.