TRUST ME.

I know what I am talking about.

Seriously with three kids now 16, 14 and 12 yrs I have lots of experience and have read a ton of books out there and coach and give workshops on this stuff all the time.

The only effective discipline for kids , teens and adults are natural and logical consequences.

So don’t waste your time with anything else. They all have benefits the timeouts, the charts the everything else. But not even a hundredth as effective as just letting life take its course. Trust me. I can save you yrs. of worry time and pain.

Take my son for example this week. Has been years and years and yrs. and yrs. that he is been in 3^rd percentile weight and height and doctor has prescribed a bottle of Ensure a day. Never listens. Even with my nagging, charts, threats anything. Gave up a long time ago. Skiiny minny he is. And he will be.

Well this week had a big health scare and he dropped 4 lbs in two weeks! Dr was ready to take some serious serious measures. For a variety of reasons including his weight she took him off his ADD drug Concerta too. He does not like this as Concerta helps him so much. He does not like that the doctor is scared about his weight either. No weightgain and no anxiety under control=no concerta anymore for this child.

So he decided to drink two Ensure a day and eat like a pig. This is a kid who can’t drink a sip of Ensure without puking. And no matter what we do he eats off a little saucer and only eats half. And now he eats and eats and eats and drinks and drinks and drinks ensure. Two days later two out of four pounds gained.

And Mommy did not save him. Mommy did not tell mean doctor that he needed Concerta  for one more day only as he had his semester finals. Mommy let him suffer this one out. Yup. I finally got it right. I sat back and let his life and his decisions play out right before his own eyes.

Life experience is the key. And pain and suffering are part of peace. It is the gate to happiness and peace and good decisions

Why could none have told me this when my kids were little??? Sure I have used this method naturally for many yrs as I read and read and understand it is the one. But it never came easy to me. It’s hard to watch people you love in pain and suffer. Couldn’t someone have told me that it is necessary though and essential to my child wellbeing? None ever told me that!

My husband took a course last week and learned of the four types of abuse (we both only thought there were three). They are physical, emotional. Sexual  and over protection. Over protection??? Really??? Yup!  Because over protection is apparently the result of the parent’s own anxiety and they put this on the kid.

And I can see that. For years the moms in the park who would interfere in every little spat their kids got into-made me cringe. The moms who would not let their kids on fieldtrips at the school because their kids could not handle it (what about the other 99% who could handle it talk about making your kid feel incapable!!) The Moms who would call the teacher and say their kid could not handle the school rules because too hard on their kid. The two moms a year in every class who won’t let their kids go to the overnight camp with the class because their kid cant sleepover somewhere without them? (more like the mom cant sleep without the kid!!)
My husband was one of these "not allowed to sleepover kids"..trust me did not turn out very dandy for his confidence . He is kinda mad at his parent lately (just a wee bit)

Get with the program parents!

Yup I can see that this is a really really scary way to raise a kid.  And it will have big big downfalls when the teen years show up.Parent’s need to let their kids experience and live life. The good the bad and the ugly. Hopefully we will all learn that before it is too late. (myself included as I am decent at this skill but need to master it now fully)

From numerous situations in my life lately (family, kids, friends,) I have realized that the only way people who are not naturally planner and proactive and strategic long terms thinkers pick themselves up and do the right thing……is to hit rock bottom in whatever that means to them.And when they realize that there is absolutely no other way than to figure out how to pick themselves off the ground and get their lives and problems sorted out then:

They will hit the ground running. And they will run so fast you will barely be able to keep up.

Life is truly the only teacher.

“Ensure and Boost” made me fully support this notion. It is now a fact in my books.

You can lead a horse to water…but you cannot make him drink. (Or not drink).

And that is my Friday thought.

 

Magical (again!)

 All I think about is the word “Magical” when I step into this setting.

How do they do this?????

How does a high school take tweens who are often lazy, not passionate, don’t really love going to school…and make them CRAVE going to their school the following year?? In huge amounts….literally every tween in Montreal has this craving. And this..is big.

I don’t really get it???

Last night a very shy friend of Chase was over last and I told him that Beauty was writing the exam the next morning. Completely out of character he ran down the stairs and wished her good luck….so excitedly for an almost 16 yr. old boy. He said he remembered the exam day (and his acceptance) as one of the best days of his life and he felt so excited for Chase’s little sister..Awww,,,

Today is HER day. All hers. She has been working up to it since Spring-so four months to be exact. An average of about and hour extra a day of studying on top of her regular studies at least 5 times a week. Even all summer vacation and everything. She is ready.

 

It is the evaluation combined with the report card . Hers is great but anything under  87% average is considered borderline and she is lower than that but still very good average. It is not a sure in…but not a sure out either. She has a good chance but not guaranteed at all. Never is.

But is it a combination of the grade 4/5 reports cards, a 3 hr. exam on general culture, logic and French and a personal essay question in French. Based also on creativity and innovation. Probably about 1800 write . 1 in 5 will get in.

So there it is! I know people have varying perspectives on this….having kids compete for spots in high school and programs. I know from varying comments I have had on the blog about my sons there are different perspectives on it (and I love this healthy debating keeps the brain juice flowing and challenges some of my own beliefs so keep the emails coming pls those of you who agree and not agree all welcome in equal measures!!) It reminds me a bit of religion the whole education bit…..very and deeply personal. I have even doubted it myself sometimes. “Why do we do this exactly???”

But I know why. Beauty told me yesterday in no uncertain way on a per walk we tool together. She articulated everything that pushes us to do this, and go through this.

“I want to go to this school more than anything I have ever wanted to do in my life. I have dreamed of it, thought about it and fantasized about it. If I get in (which I know I will)…I will be grateful and know that the 5 yrs. are a gift”

And that is why we do this. This particular education at the particular school is the reward of all rewards for some odd reason.  It makes education exciting and coveted and wanted. Could you ever ask for more than your child????? For their lives???

If there is a Heaven and my Dad is in it-he is so smiling right now. Education was everything to him. And it’s to me too. And it is too his three grandchildren apparently too! I may not have been able to turn them into readers Dad….but they know the importance of education that is certain.

She wants it more than chocolate…more than candy…more than a sleepover..more than any boy. I might even go as far to say as a kiss from Justin Bieber (I will confirm that assumption this evening)

She told me on our walk that she doesn’t care of one single friend gets into the school-she only just wants to go there. And be accepted to their prestigious 5 yr dance program (audition in a few weeks upon acceptance)

So it is a roller coaster ride I tell you. And our last one. We are literally going to burn all the books when this is over. We are so done. So are they.

I don’t think I ever realized until last night how much this school means to her. I thought the other three she was applying to would also be good enough but apparently not so. She is just like her two older brothers. It is this place or nothing in her head. And this is scary. Very very very scary. To want something so much.. I saw deep inside of my daughter last night. She totally let me into her heart.

We went out Friday night for the traditional dinner just the student and the two parents. Then the card (that contains a shocking 100 dollars which is a kept hidden and secret from the older kids for years). The look on the face!!!!! The shock and surprise!!! Very symbolic that it is not the results on the exam that we find out in a week-but the hard work and diligence that went into the preparation. We want her to get in of course,..but that is not what is important to us. Friday is the celebration and not when the verdict is in.

Then the massage at the spa especially for her before she sleeps before the big exams. A tradition we did for each kid. And will joyfully never have to do again.

So I am posting this blog as she is writing the exam. Timed to perfection.

Wishing you my love the very best of luck on this very important day for you. I know that you will be awesome and I know that you will end up at the right place for you. This school would be lucky to have our tiny little dancer.

 

The first time she has ever held a 100$ bill in her hands.......what excitement and shock!

 

My baby girl Crumpet going to highschool??????

 

 

Chase, Bear and Chase friend left sleeping beauty (bed at 9pm) love notes and notes of good luck on the kitchen counter. Will wake up to these and lots of phone msgs and texts that I  were sent for her tonight  to lift her spirits before the big exam:)))))) Life is good with notes and kids like this around.

 

 

Lost (and Found!)

 

Lost (and found)

Yup…I lost my daughter (and her friend ) this week.

Talk about fear I tell you. In the 15.5 yrs I have been a Mom it happened once (with her again!). Now it happened twice. What is it about girls??? I thought boys were supposed to be the harder gender to raise?

So first day of school for the boys and all went smoothly-great day. We go Chase , his friend, Beauty and her friend to do some errands at the big shopping Mall. Nothing out of the ordinary. We all split up (as of Beauty turning 11 yrs old if she is with a friend we do this as long as their parent is in accordance with this.

Although Beauty gets to split up she has to check in often…like every 45 minutes we meet up, I approve the clothes she wants to buys etc. We have done this many times. This summer we bought her a 2 month cell phone for summer and she will get a permanent one for high school. PS-The phone SUCKS! PSS-So does IPHONE 5 what good is a phone that keeps it charge for 2 hours only (god I wish Steve Jobs was alive to see what Apple has done to his beautiful iPhone)

So take two malfunctioning phones , take a daughter who doesn’t seem to realize vcmail means you should leave a message..Take two girls who are so carried away by their shopping that they don’t even realise that the doors of the story have closed around them and that it is 9:15 on!!!!!! Take a Mom whose nerves are a bit on edge because first week of school….has always had super dependable and reliable kids so this kind of thing is unheard of around here……all this combined together led me to believe that something BAD had happened.

I kept my cool and by anxiety under control from 8:15-:8:45pm and kept telling myself to breathe and relax. Continue shopping. I managed to try on any buy three outfits from Lululemon. 8:50 rolls around and still no answer on her phone and my heartbeat begins to quicken. I start not being able to think clearly…I go from boutique to boutique that I think they might be in (note to self never wear high heeled shoes when you think any possibility of losing your daughter at the mall).

By then I meet up with my son and his friend (15.5 yrs. old) and they can clearly see by 8:57 (3 minutes before all stores close) I am beginning to really worry. 8:59 tears are in my eyes and starting to stream dwn my face and I get into my panic mode (happens very seldomly but when it does I am quite paralyzed) Can’t think straight, can't make decisons, etc…It is rare situations have happened in my life in panic mode without Hubby there (emergency surgery, lost daughter when little in park, choking etc)..

Here I was in silent panic mode teas streaming down my face in middle of mall about to close and missing two little girls (11 yrs old but still). In my mind there was no chance at all my daughter could lack this much judgment-so against her usual character.

Chase and friend take over 9:01pm. Drop all their shopping bags, wallets and phones on ground in middle of mall near my feet and run to find security office. Describe both girls in detail and give names and request that be broadcasted across the mall in both languages for them to report to security. When I hear those names being announced this deepened my panic. A mother’s worst nightmare.

At this precise moment of announcement a guy I used to work with who still works in the field,but I have not seen in two years calls out my name “Hi Tarina!”. Young..gorgeous…sweet..smart…we used to chat all the time and hang out at lunch sometimes and talk about my kids and family. He about his life. Good good guy. I saw him and I just lost it.

Tears rolling down my cheeks “I have lost my daughter!!!” and he goes into full search mode with his friend..Taking my cell number (dead cell!) having me describe her. Running across mall with his friend searching.

Chase and his friends running cross mall too. By this time I am up at security being told that by 9:15pm we need to call the police. When he said these word my entire world stopped. I cannot even describe this feeling. My mind went into full action mode and out of panic  mode (call news producer brother and get this broadcasted all over the nation, ask the security to lock all the exits, call husband and have him come search, call my company and have all employees come search, call the rich guy at my lake and have him prepare money for two ransoms)

And then 9:17pm with a security guards by their sides…I see her. I see them.

And I honestly did not know if I should run towards her and hold her forever or scream at her and beat her up. I chose hug her and get really really angry .

I have never been so relieved. I made her apologize to three security guards and personally phone my colleague and tell him she was found and apologize. I decided no consequence but a big big big life lesson that we used at family night tonight. Her sincere and heartfelt apologies and her tears of her and her friend were enough. She was hurting as much as I was She had scared her Mamma to bits. She did not realize time had passed and did not realize store had closed when she was at the cash.

Cleary as she had found knee length zebra socks and nothing else mattered.

And her brother…I cannot say enough about this boy that day. He took my breathe away. He took care of me..he took care of her..he acted when I could not..he was resourceful, mature, responsible and brave. He was my hero. I hugged and hugged and kissed his friend too (which I am sure mortified Chase) but it was called for.

In the car afterwards, Chase told me he felt so so so sacred and sick and wanted to throw up all over the place but knew he had to act fast and hold it together.

Teens his age are often hard to live with. He lately is very difficult to live with. Lots of alienation, lots of disrespect, lots of pulling away. Typical teenage stuff but still very hard at times. This situation brought me back to him….brought me back to his core…who he is under all the teenage coolness. Reminded me that in a few years from now…I will get him fully back. When he is good an ready to come back (this is the sad sad part of adolescence that their job is to break away from you. Not in all ways but many ways)

Made me realize that all the value teaching and family bonding, and talk about safety and siblings has all paid off. He shined for us. Came through for us. Was there for us in front of many many onlookers in the mall. And not caring if he looked one bit cool.

He wanted his sister safe. He wanted his Mom well.

This was an awful night and one you could only relate to if you have been through something similar. Just like any hard times-it was good too. Reminded us all of what we treasure most.

And of the preciousness of life and togetherness. And to never ever take that for granted even for a minute.

A minute is all it takes for life to change.

Cherish them. (even if they act sometimes like they don’t cherish you anymore)

 

Summer BFFs

 

 

One of the things I knew I would love about having a daughter is the stage she is at right now.

Why?

Because I can remember those parts about my own life. With such fondness. And I see her living it right now and it brings back so many good memories for me. I love seeing her grow into a young woman-it is such an honour. And a privilege.

I love seeing her have BFFs. Beauty has always had a gang of 5 girls since kindergarten and all have been her BFF’s forever it seems, she has camp BFF’s and a BFF in Switerland-.  But this summer she has found her  summer  BFF. The kind that it is sleepovers almost every night..she almost lives at their house…eats all her meals there. The meals not eaten there are eaten here at our house. There is no question what they will do the next day…we just know they will be together and it is just a matter of what time they will call on each other in the morning when they wake up .

And best part of all this? Beauty’s BFF this summer is her “cousin”!!! One of my BFF’s daughters. They were always close for the last 9 years but not at all to this level. They saw each other at our events and had a few sleepovers a year. Always loved each other but this is a whole new way of being for them. Inseparable.

And it’s likely a summer love as different schools and circles of friends. The public pool and synro has brought them so close and the fact that both their mommies let them have a lot of freedom and liberties now they are 11yrs old (vs. some moms of girls this age don’t let them bike to the park and this makes or breaks a lot of friendships in some ways as at different stages and interests)

And lucky me again my friends stays at home for the summer so drives them all over the place, texts me on their whereabouts, feeds their bellies, makes cookies with them……all of it. How can I ever thank her enough???? A working Mom’s summer dream I tell you. I am so blessed and so is Beauty.

Tonight the girls are at my house and in the pool in the dark (with bathing suits on!!!) doing the same synro routine over and over and over. Tomorrow they will come and swim here late afternoon as Fridays is the only day I get home earlier than 6:30pm. We will get dressed up and take them to a fancier dinner in order to make sure we do our share !!! I feel blessed but guilty too!!! I want to make sure the girls spend time with us too.

And they are beautiful both inside and out. They even look like sisters or cousins. All I know is that being a kid in summer is really really fun. Especially when you have a bff to share it with. Endless days at the pool in the sun, freezies, ice-cream for dinner and late nights staying up watching movies together. Starting it all over the next day….. brings back a ton of good memories for me with my BFF in those days (who I am still super close it now!!!!)

Summer for me has always been about breaking away from the routine, the schedules, the rules (in some ways) Summer is to treasure.. and with one week left before school I can honestly say that my kids have loved every (cold) minute of summer so far and so have we. I have zero need right now for us to return to schoolbooks, getting up at 6am, packing lunches and homework after school. None. We are having a great time with the perfect amount of structure and routine vs lazy days and breaks. The normal amount of love and fighting and quiet and noise. It is all good.

This summer has been a summer of friends. There have been many walking in an out door since the day school let our. At our tables, in our pool, on the boat and in the lake. Many frozen pizzas made and bags and bags of snacks enjoyed.

The regular bedtime around here has been between midnight and 1am..and although that is a lot of hours awake..they have been mostly wonderful. I have always wanted to be the home the kids want to hang out at. This summer has been perfect for that.

 

So as I watch my daughter and her summer BFF in bloom….I remember back to my own summer and that delicious feeling of freedom. Of holding hands in the sun and walking with one of the girls you love. And remembering it as so sweet and such a wonderfully secure and safe part of my childhood.Summer-the time when the weather is nice, rules are relaxed, no goals and no fuss. Love summer.

Naked Syncro

Have you ever been to a naked syncro show?

(No I had not either)

Until last night in my backyard.

Sounds gross eh? And a bit creepy maybe? It isn’t and was all very innocent but when I thought about it later, I realized what a great blog post and memory this would be to record.

Here’s the deal. We have a boyless week since boys in Toronto. Just me and my girl. And a man (her Dad).

So last night me and Hubby were sitting under gazebo me facing the pool and his back facing the pool and Beauty says” I want to show you my synro routine”

Ok.

And then she says” I want to go in pool naked since there are no boys here. Being naked in a pool is very liberating”

Oh really? Do you do this often child?

After we pointed out that there was a boy at home (her Dad) and after she pointed out that his back was facing her (true)…I allowed it.

And so she swam (in her freeing way) for a long while. When it came time for the synro routine she begged if we could both watch and somehow she convinced us to agree. We kind of forgot she was naked by that point anyways.

So there we were watching this. It was crazy. It was then and there I realized we did not have a little girl anymore but a very little and growing woman.

 

Why did I realize this? Because we both felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed about watching this. We can be really strict about some things and really permissive about others.

It felt weird. We had crossed our own barriers in our own backyard.

Naked girl doing syncro is very odd to say the least.

We kept looking at her growing little boobies and commenting and giggling like little kids. Having no idea where to look or what to say. Thanking God we have lots of trees to keep the neighbors away.

There were no ifs and buts about it..:

There would never ever be a naked syncro show again.

It was time for her to put a bathing suit on.

Then and there I clearly understood. She is my last one to go through the awkward” seeing a kid naked stage”. I have no more naked kids anymore apparently. What will I do???

(And certainly no more naked kids going to give us a spectacle in the pool).

So it was a big realization for us and a big fat fact. Our daughter is growing up.

And..our daughter has a lot of confidence in her body to say the least (is that a good thing?:) ever heard of too much of a good thing? She can be that.

Have you watched any naked synro shows lately?

I am guessing not.

Positive Pushing

The kids are back from camp as of early this morning!  We are happy to have them home with us. The weather turned completely-huge wind storms and big and heavy rain just in time for their arrivals.

(Doesn’t matter anyways. Two have been asleep on the couch all day and one silent as she is exhausted).

The best part of this post is that: BEAUTY LOVED CAMP! After all that fussing and crying and depression-she adored it. Even asked to go back again next year (this is a first as some years she thinks camp is ok-but has never loved it) I knew she would this year as older kids..lots of boys too…she loved it.

So what is proved to me is my entire basis of my parenting theory. Parents need to push. Gently and firmly. Push for what you think is right for them even if that is majorly out of theirs (and sometimes yours) comfort zone. You are the parent after all and not their friend. And you have way more wisdom and life experience than they do. Use it well.

She almost had me that Beauty this time. Almost had been convinced of her incapability to handle this. Can you imagine if I had let her stay home and bore herself to death here with us for 12 days?  Seeing her hug all her counsellors and friends, all the pictures and smiling faces with her new buddies…if she had stayed home it would have been a crime. And my fault.

And not because she would have missed out on a great time..but because she would not have received the gift she just did: Confidence and capability. Knowing she can manage under challenging circumstances. Get over a broken heart and make a happy heart.

So I feel good today. Very very good. And very competent in the parenting coaching I provide many others. My formula is a good one.

There are two very vivid and important memories that my Hubby always talks about from his childhood which impacted his entire life. One was his parents telling the teachers in grade 5 that he should not go to the overnight classe neige camp at school because it was too hard and he would miss his parents too much (aka they felt he was not capable).

His teacher called the parents and told him this was wrong and that he had to go. They listened and he went and had a good time (and yes did miss his mom and worried about her as she was in wheelchair and ill his entire life). But he did it. And he had a great time. And most of all he felt proud of himself and capable. He remembers that phone call home from that teacher and describes it almost as if she was his savior. She saved him from both himself and his parents from making the biggest mistake of their lifetime. And I mean this…this experience and vote of confidence affected him deeply.

He talks about it over and over and over again. And realizes now that them not wanting him to go had nothing to do with him..but their own insecurities. Not him. But thy placed their insecurities on him as the scapegoat. Thank goodness for this brave and smart teacher.

I am so glad that he went. As the teacher eloquently described to his parents “why should your son feel that he is not capable of leaving his parents when the entire class is doing just that?  Do you really want him believing that he is not as capable and strong and resilient as any other grade 5? Is this the message you want him to learn about himself?”

I am glad that today he has become the type of Dad who believes in his kids….in their power…and who does not get too affected by the little daughter who begs him to sleep at camp with her. That he fundamentally knows that his job is to love her, to believe in her and to have her believe in her own capability. Not only by words but by actions. He is the type of Dad a girl needs.

All three kids had a good time. Bear excellent, Beauty surprisingly good and Chase good enough (he never speaks when he comes home for camp for the first 24 hrs. so hard to know!)

With my kids they are bad with transition-takes them some time to get back to normal. They are exhausted too and the two boys had an all-night sleepover party in the gym with 35 adolescent boys (and girls) last night and I think they are a bit overwhelmed and spent!

Beauty fell pretty much in love and “was one of the seven couples in Junior section” Her new beau is about two feet tall and bought her a huge pink striped lollipop from Laronde that says “I love you”  She said he best part of camp were the two slow dances last night. I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Picking those kids up today felt like a whole new world. Not kids anymore but a young woman and two young men. Having lives and loves completely separate than ours and unique to them. I barely recognized them and quickly realized I needed to give them some “space” to say their goodbyes.

It made me realize how far they have all come. In their growing up process..Their adolescence is fully underway and this camp made that all the more real.

I love them all and am so happy they are home.

Even if they are asleep, ignoring us..or buried in their Ipads-they are back safely at home.

A Few Moments of Well Deserved Bliss

Madame, Monsieur,

Aprés analyse de l'ensemble de ses résultats et conformément à notre mode de classement, votre enfant est placé définitivement en mathématique SN pour l'année à venir.
Passez un bel été.

 

Yes last night and today were really really good. Despite a million other things going on right now that make this week difficult, my three kids received their report cards. Chase also received the message above from the principal along with a call to Dad's office with words of praise.

They all did really, really well in school this year. For everyone who knows the Quebec French system Grade 5, Sec 1 and Sec 3 are supposed to be the hardest years for any family. They all pulled through. So did we.

And Chase got into the Scientific Math program!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had not even thought this possible as there are two math streams; the ones that are for the weaker students and the one for the stronger students. He was completely borderline and at bottom of list of stronger group, but this school believes in him since he has made lots and lots of effort and progress in last semester.

This scientific math will allow him (if he passes!!!!!!!!) to not be limited in his college choices. The world will now be his oyster….

And Bear also did so so so well. I admire this kid so much. He is way beyond the class average on every subject and has an extremely high average but what is most impressive is his attitude towards school. He is soooo excited when report cards comes in the mail about his and his sibling’s grades. He goes over ever mark and also encourages them about their reports. This is so wonderful to watch.

And Beauty did very well indeed!!! We are very proud. Why do I feel a fish or a rabbit coming on??? I have the feeling that the progress she made this semester will get her into the two schools she will apply to and she will have a high likelihood of being accepted to both and also their phenomenal dance programs (still exams to write but at least step 1 was positive the grade 5 report card which is the first step).

And Chase not only in math but in every single other subject had improved marks and also excellent “comportment” that was noted by each teacher. And I saw the effort this took..it was amazing. I think for the first time every he feel excited about school.

And we worked alot on all three in terms of behaviour and respect in class. Each had a weakness in terms of this and most related to talking and chatting too much in class. This year we put our foot down on this and had many proactive meetings with teachers (initatiated by us and not the teacher) where we had plans of actions, accountability and follow ups). When kids talked in class or were bothering class they wrote letters of apolgies each time and we asked the teacher to impose consequences. For us part of school is respecting the rules and various teacher styles and personalities.

Big big improvements in this area. The music teacher who at first hated Bear now wants to adopt him! A thank you letter form Beauty's teacher thanking us for our implications and saying she wished Beauty had a younger sibling she could teach! The principal calling us directly re Chase! Now if this could just be the same at home...

 

(Yes some bragging here but I feel like is ok. I read many Mormon blogs (just because they have such super ideas for families!) a day that depress me greatly about my own kids so when my kids do something great I want to shout it to the world!!!)

So they are report cards but they are so much more than that for our family. They are pride, self-confidence, capability, effort. It feels like everything we pour our hearts into and teach them about it finally paying off. For us academic is a biggie. It is the key to the future. It opens so many doors. It teaches life lessons and builds skills. It allows you to be who you want you to be when you are old enough to do it.

I was down on myself in the last week about certain shortcoming my kids have (messiness, fighting and wrestling all the time etc..) This made me feel that although we do still have to concentrate on these areas and will…that we have been focusing on the right things for our family. And some things unfortunately come at the expense of others things.

Setting my kids up for academic success is major to our family. I finally feel like we have shown them the skills of how to do this. This report card of all three in their various ways proved to me that was used to be external to them and our desires and wishes now belong to them. They care..they want..they are proud..they are self-regulated when it comes to school.

Bless their little heartsJ

And Mommy? Feels great. I think I deserve a day like this.

 

PS-Next we tackle laundry.

 

 

Lessons

It’s funny in many ways as a parent I am proud of who I am and who I have grown into.

And in other ways I am not proud at all and am hard on myself.

The area I have always been hard on myself is in the “ensure you act as a role model to your kids” I role model many things but there are areas I model too that I wish my kids did not see. I get angry..I swear…I don’t volunteer a ton….I lose my temper quite often…the list goes on and on actually.

Also I don’t think I am especially super nice or especially super kind. I am a good person in many many ways but I know many people out there who have bigger hearts and more empathy than I do. Of course I want my kids to be nice so hope that all turns out ok.

However since back from Swiss (yes reality sets in very quickly as you step off a plane) there have been a few parent-friend-parent situations around here with kids friend parents that have made me think a lot….quite a lot actually on what is important to me and the type of role modeling I do for my kids.

I may not be Mother Theresa or volunteer at the school all the time-but I do hold accountability high when it comes to my kids and everything in life actually. And ensuring they face up to the music that others create or those they create themselves.  Saying Sorry is high on our lists..as is communication….talking it out..accepting responsibility..and not running away from difficult situations.

Around here if you are in a conflict with another person you are expected to deal with it with grace. Whether or not you think you caused or not are not an issue.

Same goes for school. If a teacher complains about you..perception is reality and we deal with it. Other people’s complaints, views and perspectives are held with the highest regard. Always. And dealt with.

And this to me is kind.

And this is life

And what life is about

Dealing with things and feelings and not running away because it is difficult or time consuming or annoying. Or not intended or not your fault. Because if a friend out there is hurt because of you..whether or not you intended it..it is still there and exists and your responsibility.

And if a teacher thinks your kids behavior is less than exemplary-whether or not they intended it to come across as disrespectful..they did and it is up to that kid to make things right and adjust. With school having come to an end I had a few talks with teachers over email about a bunch of stuff and realized the importance of valuing and respecting the teacher and authority role. I realized that taking this stance in my kids education has made the teachers really value my kids and our family with all of our blessings and shortcomings.

So in the last 24 hrs (oops no that would be less than 12hrs since I stepped off the plane) I have realized that I do actually possess some good traits as a great role model and that maybe I have been too hard on myself all these years to some degree.

I may not count-“nice and kind and sweet” as top adjectives to describe me (and don’t get me wrong I have plenty of that in me especially sweet) but I have a lot of integrity..and honesty and accountability. And those are big ones. And I intend to make sure that all three of my kids have them too.

So yesterday although my daughter disappointed me on many levels by hurting a friend..she also impressed me to a strong degree on how she handled her wrong doings. And  for me…in life…..we are not only judged by our actions . But also by our intentions. And our actions during and after conflicts. And our abilities to both accept , apologize and forgive and to be forgiven.

And if we can honestly as a human can be good or even somewhat good at all of these stages-this to me is what makes a person kind. For me life has always been..is ..and will always be a constant evolution and development of growth, learning, getting it wrong and getting it right in the complex journey of feelings, emotions, varying perspectives and obstacles of life.

Life is rich when you play it on all levels.

I intend to be teaching my kids never to get stuck on Level One in the Game of Life.

Beginner/Intermediate/Advanced takes a whole lot of falls to get to the top. Leadership is hard work.

 

Sweetie-Pies

I can tell I am really going to love this stage I am at with my daughter. I can feel it in my bones. Man is having a girl fun.

Last night she had 10 friends over for a pool party. “the girls” (4 Bff’s with my sitter afterschool ) and then the others joined in at 6:30-8:30pm when I came home. All the Moms kept comment how "brave" I was to do this… but truly a piece of cake for me. Give me this anyday over cooking a roast or scrubbing some old toys with a sponge.

And they were all just so lovely, and polite, and nice, and smart and funny and outgoing. What a great group.

Very different than our boy pool parties in the past: "Stop running and wrestling!" "Sshhh!!"

We have this party year after year so I get to see them grow and mature. This year in all their little bikinis (vs the one pieces they mostly all wore last year) I was happy to see the self confidence in their figures growing. Even the girls who are not total skinny minies like the bunch of them- in these bikinis- and so proud of their bodies. I love this.

And their confidence, and assertiveness and personalities were truly adorable and sweet. The kept daring ecahother to do things that included saying embarrassing things to my husband and I. Was truly funny.

And I love seeing my daughter flourish. I am so happy where she has landed in her friendships. A natural strong leader  since kindergarten, yet she has toned it down a bit and now although still a big leader seems to share the role more effectively with the other stronger personality girls. She has a lot of friends and is super fun. I love seeing her with her friends-she is so creative and full of fun ideas.

I would have wanted to be her friend in 5^th grade that is certain. The girl never has a dull moment and is full of dances and popsicles and games and jokes and glamour and glitz and drama and laughter. Their new game yesterday was playing Mafia!!!!  Whatever the hell that entails!!

What I really love about my daughter is she attracts friends like bees to flowers. And she doesn’t take the social drama seriously. A great combination. She just is who she is….and goes about life.

This stage full of bikinis, boys, girl conversations and practical jokes is right up my alley. All the girls even came and gave me big hugs when they left and some kisses on both cheeks saying “we had such a great time! It was so much fun-thanks so much for inviting us!” Awww…..

What I selfishly love about my kids life right now that it is fun for me. Total fun. I like the food they eat, the movies they watch, the clothes they wear and the things they talk about. I have enough smarts not to become a friend and keep my healthy distance, but enough spirit in me to join them often in their developing ways and be there for them in a cool mom way.(I hope!)

I think it is important at this age to fit in a bit as a parent but keep the authority and wisdom too (aka explaining to girls that “no 79 lbs is not fat just because all the others weight 73 lbs-and that that is the craziest notion I have ever heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)

I hope it all stays this way. I made them each tell us on the video I made that they promise to stay as sweet and wonderful as they are today.

Hmmm.let’s see about that eh?

Confidence Clarity

My daughter who just turned 11  yrs old has been called many things over her life so far. I tape a video of her each year at her birthday party and on it I interview all the girls at her party and ask them what they like most about their friend Beauty. Answers vary from hilarious, to caring, to the life of the party, to not shy, to a good friend. Confident always comes up somewhere in there.

Teachers over the ears often say different things about her too. They say she is a natural leader, they say she has a very positive influence on other kids; they say she is sparkly and bright. Then they also say that she can be a little unwelcoming sometimes to new kids, sometimes dispesfectful if she is in that mood, and can talk back or talk at inappropriate times. However the word confidence always comes about too. That my daughter if super confident.

So although confidence is a great thing…Beauty’s teachers mixed reviews over the years have always concerned me to a certain degree. She can be so sweet and soft and caring of those around her, more caring in a lot of ways those other girls her age I have noticed. But on the other hand, I don’t like this “mean girl” side that comes out every once in whole. Yes it is infrequent, no it does not happen often but it should not happen at at in my opinion. Why oh why????

The only people I hear it from are her teachers ever now and then…besides that does not come out and she has many friends and is invited many places. She has a close clique and she seems to value and be valued by the girls and their parents alike. I am always confused .

Well today at ski competition I saw the confidence my daughter has and I am grateful for it. This girl is not a doormat. She is a force to be reckoned with. I don’ think it would be possible to take advantage of her-she would just look at the abuser and say “Go away!” I have to say I like this in a girl. And if she loves you she will protect you too.

Ski competition is a MASSIVE commitment both on the parts of the parents and the kids. The only reason we have gotten ourselves into such a things is because it is cottage friendly. We are here and skiing is her. We want to be here as often as possible and this gives us the perfect reason to be. Fall training leads up to the season every Saturday morning Sept-Dec. Then Dec –April Saturday and Sundays 8:30-3:00 (aka as 10-3pm for us!) Throw in there 12 full days of training over X-mas break and 6 competitions at other mountains from 7am-5pm and that is a whole lot of skiing.

Our goal was to master her skiing, keep up her athletic skills, please her and indulge her passion but most of all for pleasure so that she would make a group of friends around the area and have this activity to bond them.

Well all the Fall training-so virtually for 8 weeks- the pleasure part was not really there. She would go with her little green track pants, her little striped tuque with a pom pom, her Joshua Perez hoody and her little bottle of water. Each time she would go for the 4 hrs and not speak to anyone but the trainers because she was the only new one there and the rest were a tight clique. Each weekend she would come home and when asked if she liked it she would say yes.

I liked it a lot

Did you make a friend?

No. Nobody speaks to me bc I am the new girl

Are you sad?

No.

Why not? Isn’t it boring?

I am not sad because I know it will change, By December on the slopes I will have plenty of friends

Are you sure you want to continue on this team Beauty? (aka why the hell are we getting up so early on weekends so you can hike up a mountain alone?)

Its fine Mom and Dad. I don’t mind being alone. It will all work out just fine. I will have tons of friends.

So we just carry on. We take her each weekend and feel a bit sad for her and for us.

And then like clockwork on the first day last weekend of the real slop practices she makes a friend! And then today her third practice she makes three more! By the end of the practice today I had two Moms approach me and ask me for Beauty’s phone cell number (ladies she does not have a cell she is only 11!!) Both moms commented how confident she seems and that they think will be great for their daughters to see this.They said they noticed it the moment they met her how self assured she was and what  a gatherer and leader she was on the team and with their girls.

So she is confident and she knows where she is going this girl. She knows her strengths and her limits and the timing that is right for her in life. Why don’t I know this by now?

In the end I thought it over and I was happy that she was the new girl for 8 weeks and learnt how it felt to be on her own. Also how good it would feel if a popular girl who knew the ski team would have come up to her at Fall training and invited her to join the gang.Hopefully it taught her to be able to do that for the new girl one day herself? To be more sensitive to others

But for the moment I am just grateful that my daughter is strong, assertive and a leader. As she grow up in this big and bad world it comforts me to know that the person I think will protect her…is her. Yes. Yes we will work on ensuring her natural gentleness with little babies and kids and animals extends ot all humans…but I will feel less threatened next time I hear a teacher’s comment and work more on turning her unique traits into strengths that work for both her and others around her in life.

Oh Beauty! The joy of girls eh???

Awestruck and the Importance of Gratitude

Last night at the Justin Beiber concert my daughter had Major Beiber Fever. I took her and her friend as both their birthday presents. It was a really big gift and a really big deal.

I was in awe of Beauty last night, completely in awe. On in the positive sense and one in the negative sense. I saw a part of my daughter that pleasantly delighted me and another side of her that really disappointed me.

I learned a lot last night.

On the positive side? This girl is a COMPLETE party animal. And I mean over the top wild. She screamed and screamed and danced and sang for 4 hrs straight. There were hundreds of older girls behind her that got tired and sat down well before she did. And many thousands of younger girls whose screams were much softer and less excited than hers. Her little hips and butt swayed expertly to the music all night long, her face smiled and grinned and cried tears of joy, her pulse heightened when Beibes took off his shirt and she literally almost fainted, she beautifully sang every single word of every single song until her voice was literally gone. Until 20 minutes before then end and then she calmed down and sat down and rested. She was beat. Then she started all over for the encores.

I was in awe of this side of my daughter. So incredibly different than the way I am wired. Or her Dad. Or her brothers. Who is she?

My wild child. My passionate child. My child who has ZERO concern for if others are looking at her or listening to her or what they think or do not think. If she is passionate-she goes for it in what she makes look like a graceful and effortless and completely uninhibited way. She is a leader in every sense of the word and not a follower. She will make an incredible business woman one day.

I am certain she is they type of girl I would have loved to be friends with as a child. She would have intimadated me a bit too and maybe bossed me around a bit too much for my liking-but boy is this girl fun and creative. And sure of herself. Her brothers can wrestle her to the ground and her repsonse is always : "Again!"

I was introduced to this side of my girl last night.

But….she did not say thanks  properly to me. Yet that is. I am still holding out and giving her tonight. But I was very very disappointed in her that something that was so exciting for her and expensive for me, and her first concert, and such a wonderful experience that she did not express gratitude in the people way.

It made me feel overlooked, and unappreciated and it made me feel….mad at her and angry at her. It made me disappointed that everything I taught he…was not actioned. Did I fail? Yes I did. So maybe tonight she will surprise me? And tell me how much fun she had and appreciated the special night for her and her friend. Her friend expressed lots of gratitude and that was so sweet and appreciated and Beauty said nothing. She had the perfect chance.

It made me realize how a little gratitude goes a long long way and that we are more than happy to do nice things for people if they could just take the time out to say a word of thanks. I try to personally be so conscious of this. If I receive a nice gift to always put it top of my list to say thank-you. And even more importantly tell the generous giver how I am using it “wow love listening to the CD in my car you made my day ....or got lots of compliments on that gorgeous bracelet” or if not a gift then a word of appreciation about my relationship about that person or how they impact me.

And there is never time to do this. I make time. Because that is a critical value of mine and it makes me feel good and most importantly the other person feel recognized

Clearly I have not handed down this trait and important lesson to Ms. Bieber Fever have I? And that is where being a parent is so hard.  We drop the ball and it hurts to recognize that doesn't it? 

I have thought of gratitude often lately. On one of my Bff’s blogs that talks a lot with Step-Parenting and blended families the role of Stepmom is often describes that it comes along with not so much recognition and gratitude. And this must be so difficult when you think about it? To do beautiful things and to try your hardest all day long and have no recognition and not only no gratitude, but also resentment often for the Stepmom role.

My heart went out to my friend the other day as I saw firsthand a Stepmom being judged and unappreciated. A group of Moms were at parent teacher meetings and when she came with her husband (the kid's Dad) I heard all the other parents talking afterwards about it and whispering what right did she have to be there? And the father is not a widow so what business does she have? Why is she sticking her nose into the parents business? What business is it of here was the teacher says about the stepchild? Society does not show gratitude for the Stepparent role that is certain, and I felt for my friend and the walls she must come up against often on her journey.  Walls filled with not being recognized when what you do is  not even average butoutstanding.

And I felt some of that last night myself and I did not like it one single bit.

So as I sat there with my hip swinging girl moving to the beat I realized that she may need a lot from me, but I need some stuff from her too.

And a simple hug, and a big thank you and a “that was the most amazing night Mommy and I loved it” would have gone along way for my soul, our relationship and for her ever having the chance again to be treated to such a special event.

So I will keep you posted if Ms. Beiber lover tonight changes her way. Maybe gratitude is not instantaneous? Maybe my expectations and timelines are too high?

I really hope so and that tomorrow I can write a PS blog to this one saying I judged to quickly and that I am completely and positively in awe all around.

C’mon beauty. A little note? A call? Pretty please?