The Spanx Workout

Spanx is God’s gift to woman in my humble opinion. Every woman who has anything close to curves, breasts or a butt should own some. AKA all womankind.

Forget all the giraffes and zebras in Noah’s Ark that I guess God gave as gifts (right?)…Spanx is way way up there.As God’s gift to us all

Honestly anyone over 40 yrs. really needs to wear Spaxn when that are wearing a tight fitting dress (with very few exceptions) I just personally feel that after 40yrs even the thinnest of frames need some smoothing out. Don’t you agree?

I saw a women this week with the nicest dress on ever. So nice in fact (and so missing a spanx sheath dress underneath) that I wanted to go up to her and say “It is unbelievable what a little piece of elastic cloth would do for that dress. Don’t walk…RUN…to your closet department store Girl”

Of course I just said “I like your dress”

And of course then she will just go on and on and on having little butt bulges in the back sticking out all over the place under the pretty outfit.

Anyways I would not consider anymore not wearing these babies pretty much with most outfits. Even workout clothes. As I write this I am getting depressed as I realize that spanx is more and more needed as I age. Soon I will be wearing it to bed! (never! I am a naked bed girl most days of the week)That being said if I got divorced and was with a new man..I might need to wear it to bed and even in the shower! Thank God I have been married to the same man for 17 yrs.

All that to say I realized something about spanx the other day as I was getting ready for my workout and putting a little number on.

 I realized that my workout was already done by the time it made it onto my body.

 

Is it that I buy too small spanx??????????????????????????

Is is possible that my butt is  getting bigger????????????????????????

I don’t remember spanx being that hard to get on before??????????????????

 

It must be because I don’t have my cleaning lady anymore and my new housekeeper is running my spanx in the dryer behind my back. That must be it. (PS-everything is my other housekeeper who quit’s fault. Absolutely everything).

 

I mean these things are made to be tight but seriously to be totally out of breath by the time it is on? Is this normal? I mean I could not even take my blood pressure as the instructions clearly say “never take reading after a workout?” Did my spanx workout qualify? Is that why I have high blood pressure in the mornings after I am dressed? I am going to call my doctor immediately with this new piece of information. Yes I think that is it.

Anyways two lessons to these posts: 1) wear spanx-please 2) cancel your membership to the gym and just buy it two sizes too small.

 

And NO I am not a sales rep for this company. But maybe I should be.

The Use of Time..

So what do you do when you have an unexpected 4 hour delay in Cleveland in transit to visit your brother, your sister-in law and two nieces?

Do you bitch and complain?
Yes you do initially.
Denial and resistance stage.
Of course you do.

Then what you do next counts.
You decide to make good use of the time-so you turn to your daughter and say "What can we do for next 4 hrs to make it worthtwhile-is there anything you have ever really wanted to talk to me about but that we can't find time for?

Her answer "Mom I don't really like talking" was not exactly what you were hoping for.

So you pull her into the bookstore and she looks through all the books and ask you to buy her one.
Now normally you might suggest she use her own money or say no that she has 4 at home that have not been read that you purchased last month.

But here's your opportunity! To make great use of time! To make your child a reader! (Exploration)

So you buy it ( Acceptance and Commitment) and she sits there with her little tiny nose in it . Her little non- talking mouth starts discussing it with you to. You started a little book club!

This could be the start of a reader. And there is nothing better than loving books. I personally go though at least 5-6 a month.

So happy reading Beauty. You will see my Dear that if you love reading-there will not be many opportunities in life where you will complain for delays.

You may start off  bitching and complaining, but there will always be the part of you who simply sees it as another few hours that you get to read.

Friday FAQ-Sibling Stuff

I have been asked a few questions lately on siblings. I have bucketed them into the below two questions:

Do your three kids get along most the time or fight a lot?

Ahhh..tricky question and one that my Hubby and I reflect on quite often.
I would say that they get along extremely well compared to some of what I have seen, read and heard. They seem to truly enjoy each other's company most of the time and rely on each other for play, talk, wrestling, fun, games and complaining about their parents.
BUT..........and this is a BIG but........this causes lots of chaos around our home. They are LOUD together, and OBNOXIOUS together, run around and around all the time together. They are often found (this in not a joke I swear) all three hurdled in a wrestling ball together faking to beat each other up in a loving way many, many times per day. They are ALWAYS all together. They barely need to make friends because of each other and this is just plain odd.

And they are NOT growing out of this with age at all!!None of my kids ever lock themselves in their rooms alone or wear headphones, or sleep in for half the day. They love being the 5 of us everywhere and every minute in very LOUD ways.

So although most the time they are super close-as in all three attached all the time, it is in a hyper, loud and in an often annoying way that makes their lovely sibling connection unbearable at times but we are so happy they are so close even if it drives us bonkers.

And often they do fight too and call each other stupid and ugly (many times a day) but their grudges don't seem to last very long.

After seeing the movie Brother Bears-we really felt that our brother and sister kids are really part of the bear family (and this is not a joke either).

Hope that answers the question??


What is your number one tip for siblings who fight? How do we handle siblings constant quarreling?

Over the years I have tried and recommended many strategies. My two best are below:

1-Don't ever get involved unless someone is getting physically attacked and hurt (and is not play wrestling)
Expect that your kids solve their issues between them themselves and then at moments such as bedtime discuss with them strategies individually of how to deal with an annoying little sister or dominant older brother.

Don't play referee-unless you want this as your full time job which I can almost guarantee your kids will expect you to do if you take sides or take on the solving for them.

2- I used this one just yesterday and was reminded how good it really is. My kids were calling each other stupid and ugly since Xmas and each was coming to us complaining about the other one and what he or she said ( the downfalls of being on vacation at a cottage together 24 his a day for 2 weeks ).

I simply said "well then instead of any TV time today at the end of the day-you will all go down to the basement and play a quiet and cooperative game together. This will help you appreciate each other more since TV is clearly not helping as an activity. Maybe after this game time together you will think each other smarter and prettier"

The result??: Hubby and I enjoyed martinis and a book by the fire for an hour and a half in peace and they played Scattegories together and came up afterwards and said they loved that game! It was fun! Can we all play it tonight (which we did). They played three times since.....

And today I did not hear anyone call anyone else ugly.
Although trust me they have not been angels either-but there seemed to be some improvement, they learned a new game and we got some much needed peace and quiet.


All in all having siblings for your kids in my opinion is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child. Let's face it they will have each other for much longer than they will have us.

That being said, watching these relationships unfold and grow can also be exhausting! Truly I look at the peaceful home of my friends has with one 11 year old girl and I think "wow-you get to enjoy being a mother and peace...hm mm-sounds lovely!!"

This Friday- Questions and Answers

What do you recommend for a child of 6yrs old who cries every morning when she go to kindergarten? It is so heartbreaking and hard to leave them everyday as she seems so unhappy as I leave.

This is definitely a difficult situation and one that every parent passes through at some point in life with a child either at daycare, with a sitter or at school. I think the most important elements are ensuring that you feel completely at ease with the school you are leaving your child at? Do you feel confident and secure that it is a safe and happy environment?

If the answer is yes-then definitely do not give in to the crying or even pay it that much attention as this will make it even harder for your child to separate. You can talk to your child about her feelings and support her as she expresses her feeling about being separated from you-but if you are confident in your choice of schools- tears are just part of some kid’s process and school must be enforced always.

Perhaps ask your child if there is a picture or object she would like to keep with her throughout the day to remind her of home? Or have a Friday night plan she looks forward to for the end of the week-something special you do together or as a family?

Keep in mind-our children worry about what we worry about. If this separation makes you anxious very likely your child also feels anxious about it. If your attitude is crisp and clean and confident every morning and you don’t give the tears too much attention and say “Sweetie I love you and will be back soon and have a super day!”along with a big hug and kiss-your child I can almost guarantee after a few days of this will stop crying and have as much confidence in her capability as you do.

It is hard to see our children upset-but very likely as soon as you leave and she is engaged and playing with the other children, she will  have a smile back on her face . For your reassurance ask the teacher how she is after you leave to make you feel better about the rest of her day.

“You seem to be very focused on your children's high school education and the programs they do or do not get into-why do you put so much emphasis on this and why is it so important for you?

This is a very good question;  I ask myself it all the time. You are right for sure I do put a lot of focus on it and I in turn stress out a lot when it does not go the way that was planned.

I think for me (and very personal to me and not something I would necessarily preach to others..) I  feel that there are certain milestones in a child’s life that are very important that parent see them through and support them through.

I feel very strongly that I have certain very specific responsibilities at certain points of my kids lives (beyond of course my normal daily parenting and nurturing  roles).

For me when they were younger one of those responsibilities I felt very strongly about was doing everything in my power (which of course can be limited by many circumstances) to make them feel secure and stable. Making their life predictable in the way of routine, people , traditions and family time. Even going out on date nights with my Hubby I felt provided them with a sense of security where they could look as say “My parents love each other-they make time for each other” I wanted my kids to feel safe and secure and that "I had their backs" in whatever came our way. I wanted them to know they could count on me.

 

As they got to be a little older I always promised myself that I would teach them social skills very well and charisma. I find people in life who have presence often are regarded well on many levels and have more opportunities in life in general. I felt it was my responsibility to put a lot of emphasis on sociability, relationships, love, connection and authenticity in relationships. On family, friendships and deep connections but also on casual interactions with stangers on an everyday basis.I wanted my kids to learn the power of connecting with others and the happiness it could bring to their lives.

These are a few examples (amongst many others) of when they were younger of things that were really important to me.

It may sound crazy to some but high school for me (including the programs that they get into such as sports, music, international etc..) are the first milestone of setting my kids free. I feel in a way it is one of my last important decisions that I truly have control over when it comes to my tweens in some ways. It is the beginning of letting go (so, so sad as I write this:(.

Before I let them out into the world I feel that it is my responsibility as a parent to ensure that their “training ground for life” is an excellent one. High school and all of those delicate, awkward and sometimes tough years…can be experienced as really tough or really amazing and it’s very important to me to ensure the latter.

I feel that this decison can be life changing and can really influence the child's adult life as they don't have you anymore at that place as the front and center-they have the infleunce of the peer group. At least if the school itself and the values of the school are stellar-it's  a good start.

I feel in a way that it’s my gift for them. Until they really start deciding what they they truly need in their lives as gifts fully on their own. It’s my way of setting them up for success in the way I perceive it academically, socially, spiritually,  financially and otherwise.

Hope that answers your questions? Please importantly  note I am on a journey in the same way as many of you are when it comes to parenting. I may have some of the answers but I definitely don’t have them all-that is certain!

An amazing weekend to all!

FAQ-Hitting the Books!

FAQ-What about academics? What is the best way to ensure our kids do well in school? Should we push them to get good marks?

My answer would be yes. You should push them.

Academic success is a person’s ticket to success in the world in a lot of ways. If they don’t have that ticket- life can be a lot tougher for them.

My view is that with good education and good success academically –they at least have the choice in the future. The choice is theirs to exercise the right of their education or not-but at least the choice is there.

In terms of marks-my view is that the actual marks are not as important as the quality of education. I think there is big difference in the types of education schools offer and carful consideration should be given to where your child attends school.

I would argue that there is a school for each kid’s needs and it is not a “one size fits all” decision. There is a school for every child.

I am aware that in different provinces, countries etc..the educational systems are very different.

Here in Quebec, we have tremendous choices and choosing, especially a high school, for child is often a life changing decision...

In term of marks-I am a firm believer that it is not necessarily the marks that are important but the academic support and “pushing” from home. I think academics are an area that we can not just let happen. We need to intervene to ensure that our kids are realizing their full potentials.

Those potentials may differ very greatly from child to child. For one it might be all 60’s and for another 95’s …but the effort needs to be there for all of them in the same way and pushed to it’s full potential.

A 60% child I believe should still be pushed in the same way (and rewarded) for efforts as the kid with 90%.

Too often parents give up on the child with the lower marks..and both self confidence and self image are affected as well as overall ability to reach his or her full potential in the future.

In my household, and I refer this system to a lot of clients too, we have a “Pay For Performance” system. This is something I devised through years of reading, conversation and advice from many people I know with high school aged kids. I was very, very hesitant to put such a system in place initially, as I feel very uncomfortable in many ways of “paying” for either chores of marks In the end however I changed my view on both elements based on trial and error and also to be honest-my other methods weren’t working and I needed to find something else that would.

Pay for Performance elements:

-An intricate and complex Excel spreadsheet that works per semester

-There is an Objectives section (marks) and a Value and Behavior section (efforts and attitudes). Both are fairly equal in weighting

-It starts only in high school for our family and only if the child is going to a school which is very high performing and difficult where we see that the studying is almost like having a job. If my other children would go to less demanding schools I am not sure I would use this system at all. It would not be needed in my opinion.

-It is based on each child individually. Marks expected and rewarded are based on past performance and their individual academic potential levels (a 70% for one could mean the same things as an 80% for another).

-Goes well beyond academics and takes into account other behaviors such as “getting out of your comforts zone in school (ie: joining a new team) “or “finding your passion” (ie” experimenting with new types of books etc..)

-Half the $ earned on this each semester is kept by teen-other half is put into a bank account for when 18yrs old toward major purchase (travel, car, apartments etc..)

-There is also a comments section for positive or negative comments received from teachers. A child could be an excellent student but be very disrespectful and disruptive in class and this portion of the sheet addresses this.

Last but not least below I have listed a few tips and tricks for creating the right environments for homework which I believe should start as early as grade 1 in homes:

-Kids should be doing a good part of their homework on the weekends. They should use this opportunity to get ahead and to have the time they need for more relaxed reflection, and gain more of their parent’s time for support if both parent’s are working outside of the home during the week.

-One parent should sit down with each kid weekly and ask them to show them what their work is for the week and ask them what  their plan to get it done is. By high school this should be slowly minimized and this initiation should come from the child but discussion should still be had and take place every week.

-Kids should be doing as much of there homework as possible independently as early as Grade 1. They should try their best and have a set amount of time that they need to work on homework alone. After that time has passed parents can then support and help out, but kids should be as autonomous as possible to build independence and confidence and a sense of pride in accomplishment.

-There should be a “technology block out” period during homework time (and an hour afterward). This will ensure kids have time to focus and are not tempted to rush homework in order to watch that show or get back to the computer. It allows them the space for further creativity and innovation. The extra hour block out allows them adequate time to prepare for the next day, organize their things and then play outside!

-Kids should have a special spot to do their homework with all the essentials and good lighting. Homework should be a very deliberate exercise and not be random.

-Report cards should be discussed with both parents each semester (if applicable) They should be discussed in a friendly, democratic way and taken seriously. Solutions should be found together and action plans put into place based on effort and results.

 In conclusion Celebrate, Celebrate, and Celebrate. Do not fear using the report card (and not the marks received) to continuously remind your kid of how awesome she is. They are in school so many hours of the week and need you to understand how deeply important this is to them on so many levels. Celebrate their efforts praise them, and shout to the world and brag about them when they have accomplished something that they and you are proud. Whether that be a 60 that was well earned or a 95 that was well deserved makes no difference as far as I am concerned. What make the difference are the efforts, determination and willingness to strive for the best they can accomplish.

You are your child’s advocate and if you are not making their accomplishments visible..nobody will. Stand up for your kids and take notice. Be proud of them and push them to their limits. Ensure that they are getting what is best for them out of their education. Treat their education and their report card with pride, careful consideration and care.

My Dad, who passed away earlier this year- he and I had many differences in our lives and a very difficult relationship together. One thing I will however always so much appreciate is the value of education that my Dad instilled in me from very early on. I knew even as a very young child that this was very, very important and to be treasured and valued in life.
My Dad was passionate about academics and education and his passion around this had a strong impact on me. I am not sure I would be where I am today in my career if my Dad had not given me a sense of pride and passion around learning and academics. It is something he gave me..that I treasure very much. My education and dedication and determination allowed me access  many things in life on many levels.

I was always very proud that in our house....education was important and the expectation was that we all went quite far in terms of career.

Take your child’s education to heart..then they will too. Treat it with the same care that you would an important hockey match and cheer for them, praise them and support them.

Show up at every game.

Make it important.

After all-a hockey career lasts a few years..an education lasts a lifetime.

FAQ- Alignment between Parents in Childrearing

“My spouse and I get along very well but often disagree on how to raise our child, discipline techniques and overall family routines. Is this a problem? Can you recommend a tool that can help us out?”

This is probably one of the biggest topics that my clients and many families I know struggle with in parenting. Alignment-or often lack of alignment, between a child’s two parents. In the case of blended families I am sure it is a whole other situation entirely with a more complex set of circumstances...and I am not an expert at all in this area, so I speak below for the families with two parents living together.

One of my favorite techniques for alignment comes from a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross. W Greene.

In his book, Ross discusses the concept of "Baskets" I love it. I use it all the time, I coach on it regularly and I believe into it wholeheartedly.

I use this concept and encourage parents to sit down and make a laundry list of issues, behaviors and situations that they have to nag their kids on  in their homes on a regular basis (cleaning up after dinner, brushing teeth, doing homework, talking back, going to sleep, waking up, going to church, swearing, being disrespectful etc..)
Once these issues are on a list,  I ask them to sort them out into three Baskets which each parent completes first individually.

(In my own words!!)

Basket A- the "No!-You must!-You Can't ! basket. Important basket.

Basket B- contains behaviors that you have decided are important but over which you will not lose sleep. Somewhat important basket.

Basket C-holds behaviors that may have once seemed high priority but have since been downgraded considerably. Irrelevent basket

How do you think most people’s baskets look like initially? Guess?

Most of the parent’s pages are filled with basket A’s. A few basket B’s. No basket C’s . Usually the two parent’s baskets are also very different in terms of what even makes it on the list at all.

The goal? To reverse this. A few basket A’s; plenty of basket B’s and many basket C’s. Second goal-to agree on this shared list as parents.

You have to choose your battles in life when it comes to kids and life in general. Before you do this-you have to know what your battles even are or what you want them to be.  Most importantly you have to agree and align on this with your partner-or your household can become a place of insecurity, instability and chaos for your child.

I think some of the happiest kids I have seen come from families where both parents are aligned and consistent in their discipline. In one family you might observe that those kids are always super polite at the table (table manners basket A) but when it comes to doing homework they sit and do it in front of the TV (basket B) Both parents agree to this and execute these expectations in their home.

Another family could be that teenagers are at home at a strict curfew (basket A) but does not matter how often they do or do not take out the garbage (basket c). Parents are aligned on what they are willing to make a fuss over.

On a personal note my  own house looks something like this: Kids all quiet and doing lots of homework everyday, kids in bed and calm at same time every night without a fuss, kids all present at all family events and socialize often with other adults & friends  in an engaging, social and respectful way (basket A).

Kids do their chores well sometimes and sometimes our house looks like a warzone, they smell good on special occasions and smell like sweat on some days of the week, their teeth are brushed but not flossed most days, and they are often found in the house being loud and running around with each other while other times cooperatively hanging out together outside (basket B).

They eat like birds off of baby sized plates (still), they don’t make their beds ever, they wrestle and scream a lot while simultaneously acting annoying and obnoxious and practically  every show or movie they watch is rated above PG 13 (basket C).

Oh ya… and they spill syrup on the floor without cleaning it up (should be a basket F for this one).

So first step is to know what is important to you and second step is to align. Is it easy to do this? No of course not! Who ever said parenting was easy and simple?? If they did they lied to you.  This is actually a lethal activity to do! Time-consuming, bureaucratic, hard to find time for and often not a pleasant and enjoyable task.

That’s ok. It’s worth it for the peace it will bring to your home down the road. It’s part of parenting in a deliberate way.  I recommend it should make it onto your “to do list” in the same way that laundry miraculously does.