Happy Father's Day Honey Bunny!

A very late one to you!!!

I would say my hubbys biggest strength is the dad he is and has always been . Our three kids truly won the lottery with the dad that have . Jack of all trades , professional , domestic , smart , fixes anything , cooks anything , gorgeous

Most capable person I know

Great role model for our kids and deeply connected to them all

Calm as a cucumber and they all adore him

They have so much fun with him

I love how much they each adore him . I chose right:))

Was a special weekend as we just got back from Bali . We had all 3 at cottage for a gorgeous sunny sunny boating day and then a lobster dinner ( only so this every couple of years as expensive meal )

Was really special to have all three ( they made me cry as were too critical at one point but that’s another story ) we all feel deep asleep on the couches late at night

I was glad the next day was relaxed and even more special for Father’s Day

Bear had to leave in morning sadly to go home work but chase and beauty made their dad a great lunch and cleaned up and served it on the dock . Chase did all the grocery shopping for it last night too . Poutine and BLTs :) was so yummy and so nice to eat it with the summer wind and being surrounded by water . Chase took us on a relaxing boat ride too

Beauty and chase each made him a little movie with pics and music and very cute . He looks so handsome in his new shirt I got him too :)

It’s cool how this year we started handing over mothers and Father’s Day and thé kids have done a great job ( always a little scary to hand things over in case they forget ! )

They do it their own way with some great meals and specialness and really nice to see . Chase was so so incredibly helpful this weekend to . Helping cook and clean constantly and doing groceries . Bear doing the lawn . So many great conversations Just older guys - so nice . Beauty had to study all weekend poor her ! One of those weekends you never want to end . And one of those times you want to freeze in time

Our kids younger were like three little cubs and so so close . Beauty now doesn't want that and often saddens her brothers and her parents . Hopefully this teen distance phase will end on day and she will come back to being one of the three cubs 

The two boys on the other hand are the best of friends and was fun this weekend to see them in action . Has been years now so close and tight and literally share all their friends and interchange them !  ( and all their clothes and everything in their lives )Next weekend chase is having 4 of bears friends to cottage while bear works ! Day we got back from bali bear spent the day at chase bff house without chase ! So cool  I love it and makes me so happy for them . 

What would make it perfect is when beauty joins back in the fun again . Crossing fingers for maturity and phase to end one day soon for her sake!

I am making my popular homemade pesto pasta tonight , ànd  César salad and bear getting a special dessert . We ate at 10:30pm with bear and proud to say I cooked a delicious dinner and we had so much fun at the table . Bear's card and gift to his dad were so cute and thoughtful

Last night was our first night of normal sleep ! Felt good although I was still up by 6:30 am .

Happy Father’s Day !! It really felt like the best Father’s Day ever . So was this Mother’s Day . Is it possible our kids are growing up and making holidays super special for their parents ? Yay !!

Hubby has a bday ! (was Jan 17)

Hubby is always hugging kids and is best dad!!!

I think he is scared his cake is so small!!!

ok he likes it:)

Some bdays are better than others . This was definitely true in this case - my poor protector 

It started out great the night before his bday with a fun and wonderful bday dinner with his sister and brother in law and my mom and our family . We ordered in Lebanese and had a very very small cake that bear chose and had a super nice time at the table chatting for hours. We had not seen them in a while as brother in law had cancer treatments and was a gift in an of itself to see him well and healthy .

So that part of the bday was super !

Then his real bday came 

I had forgotten same day and had schedules both of us working out ( not his fave activity ) so felt bad that I suggested that . We didn't go .

Then I got super sick that day . And my cough became out of control 

I had planned out first weight watcher meeting that evening as we both want to shed some pounds and even if sick I wanted to go as first one 

Hubby was not too thrilled that I planned this on his actual bday . Given we had the celebration the night before I didn't think mattered 

He did 

Especially when he walked into a full room of  60 women and no men 

Then be it was his birthday I felt we had to go out to dinner so we did and I coughed the whole time and was miserable . So was he . We waited and waited for beauty hip hop to be over but it never ended until 10:15 .

The waiter must have thought we were the worst couple ever as just gave up on dinner and each went on our own phones ( we never ever touch phones during meals )

We were a sorry sight I bet 

When they came and gave the bday cake I think I was asleep on the table 

Then we got home at 10:45 and the kids gave him their cards and me a gift 

We had decided for his bday we would take a super super cheap trip to Miami for Easter for 4 days and surprise the kids that night with it 

I wrote a poem about it as we are going super cheap and driving to USA to take flight and not buying more than one meal a day etc . The boys were super pumped when I read the poem and beauty was so so so excited and was jumping up and down 

Then we told her part of the plane deal is no luggage 

None 

Only a knapsack on Back and has to carry all her clothes in that 

And she started bawling her eyes out and wouldn't stop . Like crying and crying and saying that she could never wear only one outfit for 4 days and what would she post on instragram about it . 

She also didn't like that if she wants a Pina Colada she has to buy it .

We provide water 

Did I mention this is a super super last minute cheap trip ?

We are calling it Shitts Creek 2018 

We have never travelled on that type of budget and wanted to give it a try . In our minds will be an adventure and just feel blessed to be able to get some sun and be together 

We also told them that their gift to their dad can be paying the shuttle from airport to hotel . ( not taxi )

The boys were very excited . Beauty was very conflicted and wanted to be excited but the luggage and water seemed to kill her 

All during this I am half dying and half asleep just waiting until midnight to pass so I would need to feel so guilty ruining my mans bday 

I turned out the lights and kept him awake most of the night with severe coughing .

Happy bday hon ? 

Could it be a worse celebration ??

Thank goodness the night before with your sister was so fun 

And we never did play cards to top it all off 

Sorry 

I totally suck 

Here's the poem I wrote :

Shitts creek 2018 trip ! 

When I asked dad what he wanted for his bday he was very clear : he wanted his family of five near 

He always loves Trent 

But knows that where that is where the majority of our time is already spent

He wanted to take a few days in the sun 

It would be so super fun 

The problem is that not money to pay given that we are taking big trip with Tristan to Bali in may 

We tried to figure out how we could do it for this man as we all know we want to make his wishes come true with a bam 

We came up with something that is good and very cheap but it will be very different and won't be our travel at its usual peak 

We will drive to get a plane in the middle of the night and cross a border to ensure a cheap flight 

We will share a small room and pod  - you will each have one night to get cosy in a queen with your squad 

We will eat light in the day and have a yummy  sit down meal if we may once a day 

Your bday gift to dad he asks not to shop for for 20 dollars USA you each contribute to shuttle bus  and drop 

Will be the cheapest trip we have ever done but totally guaranteed to be fun in the sun 

Will be an  adventure for sure and will be low cost and let's hope we don't get lost !

Let's hope there are still fares to buy - if not will have to forget this and tell the idea goodbye 

Inviting you all for dads bday wish to Miami south beach . I am sure you will be so excited we won't have to preach !

See you for Easter as we travel through the night- we  can always make it happen even on a little budget if we try with all our might !

Honey on Toast

Honey on Toast

In yoga I heard this analogy

I thought long and hard last night here in turks and caicos and realized it applies very much to me....and my marriage

I have been married 20 yrs and been with My Protector for 22 yrs. its hard work. And its beautiful . Its both
And I am like a  little ball of frozen honey being put on a hot piece of toast fresh from the toaster. I defrost and melt slowly but surely in my own sweet little way- bit by bit and deepening the softening until i am spread evenly and softly all over the piece of hot toast.

That is me . That is us.

I told our friends the other day when we alll went out for a friends dinner in response to them asking how it feels to be married 20 yrs to the same person " that i think we are more in love in the last 6 months than we ever were"
They all started laughing

I was maybe joking? But in my heart i knew i was not . It was all true . Much more in love emotionally, physically and just plain all over . We worked hard for this and this was our prize. I said  it again that yes this was  actually true

They still giggled

But yet i knew it was true . I did this work- i know


Some people come into marriage with their stuff together and fairly complete. Secure , safe and stable. Having lived in families  with two stable parents or one single stable parent without mental illness and MS and wheelchairs or threatned suicide or a sense of danger looming around the corner .  Both of our childhood homes were very very loving and wonderful in so many ways (especially mine! ) but neither were easy in any way. Neither felt secure or predicatble in any way .  There was not a sense of " everything will be alright " because it clearly was not on many days .  Worry was always there. Having a carefeee childhood was not on the agenda . It built some great relationships and some very strong resilience and character but it didnt make honey melt into the toast. It took work and smarts and confidence and character to be that child - those children- when your parent is sick- and it is not out  in the open  and you can talk about it all -the world  doubly doesn't feel safe and secure . When you have to build that future from a very young age and figure it all out . Thank goodness for my strong strong attachment and love with my mother, as without her i dont think i would have ever been able to become honey at all. My Dad wasn't a reliable parent at all, yet he lived with us and loved us  as was a good person in so many ways and was not open to feedback at all . It made me doubt myself so often and feel guilty for not being able to love him more . He was there always but i had no way to relate to him so much of the time

So there are many of us  , My husband  and i included who come from childhoods where we have not yet melted for many many reasons including the ones above  and for others many different  and  far more extreme circumstances than our own

And we defrost in marriage  and discover ourselves there with our new environment
Some faster than other
Some way faster than others
Many don't defrost at all and still feel unsafe and let go
Some chill on their own
Others turn to honey in a new partner's arms
Many go on to just stay cold or chilly
Many warm up a bit
Many warm up alot
And many for years day by day melt completely and eventually and finally

And the toast is there to catch them as they finally sweeten and soften all over . As they finally perceive that the world might be there to actually catch them and they begin to trust and be carefree in the safe arms of someone who loves them and has both the strength and willingness to hold on tight and never let go
Some it takes days , others months and others years or even decades
Some never do

No matter what
No matter what happens

It is a miracle that this can take 20 yrs isn't it?
I laught out loud too at this

Most people i know describe their marriages as a slow decline starting out wonderful and going slowly downhill from there  to an acceptable and comfortable place
I describe  mine as a slow very slow incline of getting better and better as i myself feel more at peace with myself and the world around me- like a child letting go of the clutch that her fists have become . Trusting the world and her heart as it matures. Trusting myself and my heart

I chose wisely , very very wisely and have had the strongest partner in my husband anyone could hope for straight from the beginning. The strongest co parent and career partner  and home partner
Now its time to discover safety amongst eachother and loving and letting go and letting in . Its time to let the work speak for itself and let ourselves melt into one another
To grow individually and return safely home
To blossom  apart and blossom again together
To be as two and to be as one

Me melting like a ball of frozen honey on warm toast
How good it feels to be melted
Which what i assume will be forever
He is the toast that has always been warm and ready to catch me
He is one patient piece of toast
He is still here
I am here
Sweetness prevails

A Very Small Fraction of a big Peru Adventure

People make fun of me all the time of how organized I am. Usually in a good way as many people around me benefit from my organizational skills and planning talent.

What I say and plan usually makes perfect sense.

I asked my husband 3 things on this vacation that were important to me . The third was-write a blog at all the times you are at airports while on trip so that you capture the pics and feelings and thoughts while it is still alive. I reminded him by text plenty and told him that if he waited until he came home it would never happen. This I knew for sure. He totally agreed with me and thought was equally important

He wrote me from the last airport and said would do it on the plane..then wrote me on the plane and said he would do it that night before bed..then said the next morning..then while I was away in Chicago..then when I got back.

We are the next weekend now and still no blog. Never will be in my humble yet usually accurate opinion. This is a sad sad loss of memories and adventure

And that is precisely why I am organized and deliberate.

Such an important experience should be captured. In writing. Videotaped. In a journal, on a scrap piece of paper. Somehow. In whatever way-but somehow?

This trip was so much to him

So deep and fun and freeing

For me it was deep and complex and alienating and connecting in so many different ways. There were so many feelings and emotions attached to this trip for both of us-in different ways.

And especially when he came back. I am not sure I will ever forget those first few hours and then the next few days.

I think it shifted us both

I wish he had listened to the three things I told him-especially the writing the blog one. It would have meant so much to have this

Here are a few pics that I had on my phone

(And I bet if he reads this blog we will see his own in a few days as these pics are so random and not indicative of the trip or experience at all!!!! LOL)

The Adventure of Macchu Pichu Begins!

The group

Trekking in prep in Stowe

At the beginning of 2016 hubby and I got an email from the highschool saying that they were organizing a trip to Peru for parents who were interested in a 10 day Peru and Machu Pichu trip 

When I saw that email I new this would be perfect for hubby 

Within minutes without even seeing my Emil  suggestion he had also written me saying " do you think I should do this ? ??"

Fast forward 10 months later and he leaves in a few hrs to Peru for the trip of his lifetime 

At the airport yesterday

Completely 100 percent out of his mental and social and physical comfort zone .

But we both knew this was still perfect for him for so many reasons . 

In his fundraising campaign for the school ( he pays his trip etc of course ) he wrote such a beautiful email to his family , colleagues and friends and his reasons for wanting to do this trek . Right up there was to show his kids in action how to put yourself out of comfort zone completely , to show beauty who has worn a body brace for almost 3 yrs now that he wanted to share in some small way her discomfort .. And that this was a personal journey and transformation for him .

My husband has been on a very deep personal transformation over the last few years and has completely changed his life , the way he deals with stress especially  , his commitment to health  and fitness and his habits and his overall lifestyle . He has given up a lot and gained a lot too . This trek is important to him on many deep levels .

He is petrified and has barely slept the last few days but is equally excited . He woke up this morning in a sweat and gathered me in his arms proclaiming his love and how much he will miss ( he always seems to adore me more when we are apart lol ! )

He felt so supported by all the emails and generosity from the fund raising . He has never done anything like this and touched us both tremendously to see our loved ones touched by his journey he is taking 

Beauty is on a school trip this week so he said his goodbyes to his little girl earlier this week . Last night the two boys came in bed and snuggles with their dad and I 

I will always keep the picture of him holding them close , these two almost men in his arms telling them what to do if ever he died ( overly anxious and dramatic are we ??? )

All he kept saying was " take care of your mommy " over and over and over . I kept telling him I would take care of them but he kept repeating . I think the kids saw how much their dad loves their mom . It was a very tender moment for me . I will hold that picture inside of me for a very long time 

Bear left him a ribbon this morning on his coffee maker for his trek bag . And chase a note with some biodegradable bum wipes ! I thought so sweet they did this especially since not a word from me and and all their doing . Made me very proud of who they have become as young men.

What waits at home

Nerves are high and on edge . This may not seem big to all but it is huge for him. We both coincidentally had to be at the airport for 2pm so shared a taxi together . I got to meet the 9 people he is trekking and travelling with and they seemed really nice and welcoming . It felt good- but also a odd for me as he will be in such close proximity with this group for 10days and sharing such a beautiful experience - without me . As we all know part of really loving someone is however setting them free  

My protector is going away . For himself . All him . All about him . Claiming what rightfully belongs to him . Discovering the full landscape of his life 

And I am in full and utter support of his journey and whatever he discovers . With full confidence and just a bit of trepidation and fear  .

Me and my own adventure

We have come a long long way . I am feeling so scared in many ways for different reasons, but also so happy for him. My happiness outweighs my fear right now. this is my gift to him.so many people i am meeting are saying "he is going alone on an expensive trip for 10 days???" Yes he is. He said didn't feel comfortable me going on a trip alone last year (so I took our daughter) but for some reason I feel comfortable him going on a trip alone? Odd.. I know.Sometimes life can be surprising

What is comforting me now is keeping my mind on the cottage

I love your forever and a day my darling fiercely and forever . I know you will come home to us safe and happy . And very very very proud of yourself 

I am looking forward to so many other adventures in our lives -  as a couple- their are so many cool adventures out in the world to discover and so much life that awaits us. 

Goodbye!!! (both different flights at airport)

safely back home from almost hurricane  atlanta and ready to take on the next 10 days as a single mommy! The fun  has already begun with chauffering and errands right off the plane!

Today is 20 yrs ....

(well yesterday actually-July 14th)

20 yrs later:))

renewing our vows::))))

Today we celebrate that I have been with my Protector for half of my life almost exactly ( met him two years before got married at age 24 so was 22 when we met )

This weekend I will write more about how these 20 years have occurred to me and some splendid truths I have learnt along the way 

But today is just splendid in itself . The way 20 yrs of marriages are . Earlier this week we fought and cried and screamed . We mistrusted and were hurt and in pain . Since then we are closer than even before - back to a place of security 

Yesterday there were a dozen pink roses delivered 

We went out on the boat for Thai with great friends who spoiled us with their culinary snacks in the sundown 

This morning took our time in bed and talked about our wedding 20 yrs ago 

Hubby scrolled up a little program for the morning and evening with a little pink ribbon 

Morning in our 45 mins before work :

Kiss and hug

Look at all wedding albums by the pool

Swim in the pool

Kissing and hugging 

Evening 

Meet at yacht club 6:30pm

Go park boat in quiet area 

Renew our vows 

Go to my fave Indian resto

Watch some Netflix 

Perfect for me !! And if weather not good for boating we will sit at the lake and admire it while we devise our new vows and go eat Indian by car  

We are not  usually big anniversary celebrators but hey ... 20???? Just sounds pretty big to me and sounds like it needs to  be celebrated 

The funny thing was I wanted to do something nice for Hubby during the day but we were both swamped at work - so I ended up bringing him and his office manager at work a special lunch to share . She was laughing so hard that she was getting to be the one instead of me sharing a celebration lunch with my husband !

Since our kids never celebrate our anniversary with us ( always away last 10 years at camps at this time

Of year ) we decided that 20

Yrs is celebrated with the family also  later in fall .We booked  a room at the fairmont Tremblant  hotel for October when the foliage is at its most beautiful and we are going to spend a night and do the via Ferrata rock climbing expedition on the mountain us five .  In between enjoy the hotels heated outdoor pool wth the beautiful leaves .Then go to our fave fondue restaurant and the next day I have booked a family photo shoot at our cottage with an amazing photographer who specializes in documentary photography . I love her stuff and I want to capture the moments of our lives less posed at Trent . The feelings , the anger , the happiness , the teasing , the whining and complaining , the joy , the life that is contained there for us . Real life . 

While we are all under one roof still which may not last forever with one finishing cegep next year and choosing where to attend his 3 yrs of university 

And I will blow up one big family documentary picture and have a place for it right over a sofa at Trent . I have wanted this picture for years and we decided to make it happen and invest in it for this special celebration 

After this anniversary 25 needs to be celebrated ( and I have told the kids they need to organize this one ) and then 50th ( which they can both organize and pay for ! )

For some reason 20 seemed important too

It seemed like a huge accomplishment as the last number of years have not been the easiest but we have made it . More than made it - we have made it beautiful in our own way 

I am looking forward to integrating  my new vows into our lives and living the next phase of our togetherness 

( ps - although super windy on lake we took on the waves and found a quiet spot to write and create and share our new vows . It was truly a beautiful process and we held hands and looked into eachother's eyes just like we did at our wedding . This time our vows were based on knowing eachother so deeply and so well and were deeply meaningful to both of us .

We debated as to whether this is it or if we re write in 5 yrs at 25th ! 

silly selfies

we have a tradion to see these friends each week of our anniversary (don't get to see them often but they love the boat too and always falls on that week. they make the best boat snacks too LOL!!!

Us blowing a kiss to our three kiddies

The cravings begin

I never imagined my body would crave excecise or anything close to that .

Crave sleep food or leisure certainly ! But excecise ? No way ... Not me .

Not did I ever really believe that I would be in a good enough routine in excercise  that when I miss a day or a week something feels missing from my life . Unimaginable actually . And that my husband and I would be doing this together ? For real ?

I guess the slogan of " takes 90 days for a habit to form " is really true . In our case it has been 5 months that it took to feel any type of attachment . And trust me it is still not like intellectually i feel like ever going to the gym but physically my body seems to want it . 

It's not as though we are hard core exercisers either ! Only two times a week we do very very intense circuit and kettle ball training . Then another two times a week I power walk and my hubby walks with me or jogs . And we also walk to and from the gym both days which is about 15 mins each way . And we have been doing this since October 2014 with generally consistency ( with a few weeks of for vacation or injuries or travel for work )

What makes me so proud is that it really does not fit into our lives in any shape or form . We have no time for this at all but have really prioritized it and made it happen ( only took me 43 yrs !!! ) . If anything this would be the worst time to excercise  . My business travel is at an all time high and so is my stress level . My moms needs have been requiring massive amounts of time and energy as well as that we have lost all help in our home since January and we have depended on this help for years with the types of careers we have and built our schedules around it .

Both hubby and I have had big back issues ( mine  returned as Chiro dumped me ) and hubby a new issue last few months .

And both of us have no time for our lives .. Relaxations .. Communication or our important to do lists at work or home . But we still go to the gym . ( hubby craves it less than I do but he is disciplined and goes nonetheless )

So we have made it happen !! I can't believe it ! I remember a great friend and colleague sitting with me at barbies restaurant and saying to me " just commit and do a class once a week . Commit and make it happen. Every week " sounded like such good advice and simple but I was never able to do it and now I have .

And it is not for the same motives . My only motivation used to be for how

I looked . Now it is simply for how I feel . I feel stronger . I stand taller . My weight is the same but I believe I look better in clothes (even if it is in my own head feels good !) I am doing this for reasons that are more important : because I need to be healthy . I have had enough examples around me lately to understand that Health and protecting it has to be a number one priority 

Hopefully those push-ups and kettle ball swings are working their magic inside of my body . Hopefully those walks there and back and in between will allow me to more successfully walk up stairs at the school without being out of breath and do the walk of gods on our upcoming trip to Italy with chase .and hopefully it will provide a good example to our children of health and prioritizing  ( finally !)

It's probably just a coincidence but everyone this year in our house is in the best shape of their lives . All three kids are pure athletes and already in shape but this year have taken it to another level . Bear now works out at his lunch hour at the gym 5 days a week. Chase 3-4 times a week at a gym and hired a personal trainer with his own money and super into health and fitness and eating well  . And beauty is always working out bc of dance many days a week after school and has now said wants to add more cardio to the mix and start running with her dad 

I think the kids see how busy are lives are and how little time we have to spare but yet early mornings leave the house and come back sweaty . It has changed something in us .. In them and in our lives .

It is hard but necessary for us 

We made it happen after years and years and years of talking about it and no action .

Just do it !!