It is Halloween..yay?

I guess I need to post about Halloween?

Y’all know I hate Halloween. But it’s still holiday so I have an obligation to say something about it right?

Well this year..we are leaving on a family vacation the day after!!! So that is all I really care about. Going to the beach..where we belong in mind and spiritJ

No candy giving out, no decorations, nada.  Am getting totally out of this –and I am thrilled about this.

Kids are going out as usual. Our house is fun 364 days around here and all the friends like coming and chilling here –but somehow on Halloween-they never show up. I wonder why?

Chase is a penguin. One of 15 of the graduating class. Very very cute and I think the first year since he was 5 yrs old that he actually seems to be excited about dressing up. And one of the first years in a decade he is not attempting to wear a cardboard box on his head before a last minute  pain attack prevents him and he goes out or to school with no costume.

Beauty is no shock here-a (sexy) cat. Apparently all the “cool” girls at school are (sexy) cats as they get to show off their hot bods one day of the year since always covered in uniforms. So black legging-black tank top and a headband on her head which looks slightly like a cat. And no brace today!!! I mean who can be a sexy cat with a brace on the whole body???

Bear has no clue what he will be or where he is going. Tonight he declared he might wear a Santa hat on his head. I think at this age it is a little uncool to like Halloween so he is deciding to not really like it. By Chase’s age he is over that and so ok to dress up I guess?

Beauty trick or treating with other cool sexy new cat friends

Chase has 4 parties to choose from and has no clue which one yet.

Bear-I have no clue! He seems to be behind a bit these days…..I think his girlfriends is dazing him out a bit. Apparently he is going to watch the hockey game at a friends and I bet he will come home with a sack of candy.

Anyways when the clock sticks midnight they have to be home as plane  tomorrow morning!!!

(Bittersweet as so excited but also very sad as my Mom is not well enough to come-more posts on this later. She will stay  at our house-but she will be sooooooooooooooooooooooo missed. This really really sucks but trying to not let it ruin our vacation either)

 

PS-last night we had a bit of  a send off for our trip dinner (aka impromptu the kids each invited their girlfriends and friends for a dinner they asked my husband to come home early from work and make!!) of course we agreed and did it and it and  so so much fun. (All of us around our small little round table eating mashed potatoes and hamburger steak and veggies and I brought Halloween candy from work as a treat.

Twice in the evening the boys in front of their girlfriends asked me to come and give them a hug and said I love you. I felt like the luckiest mom on earth! I think them try to impress their girlfriends with their motherly affection. All of their friends hugged my mom tight and told her to feel better. She was  slightly well enough to come and say goodbye and chaperone the boys and girls for me before I got home from work-has been in her  house 7 days alone and looks like more time she will have to continue thisL(

The four of us gave my Mom  each  little symbols and objects for the week we are gone for her to hang onto since we were all supposed to be together this week on a special trip. And now we won’t be. Seeing those kids with their Didi and how close even their friends are to my Mom was so touching for me. God she is so loved…and she deserves it.

You know what Mom? We did good Mom..we built this village ..together.

So Happy Halloween I guess? I guess this is the right thing to say?

You can tell me..Bon Voyage!!!

Notre Vedette

This is French for “Our Star”

Bear had his first modelling/acting job on Thursday night! He was hired by Edphy International Camp to be a spokesperson for their new website for their 50^th anniversary.

He has being going there since he was 5 yrs. old and was chosen out of thousands to do this along with a few other chosen kids. We went to a professional studio and he did his bit in French and English and was a superstar! It was so much fun! He was nervous but quickly got over it and enjoyed it and did a great job.

He made 178$ for 10 mins so he figures his hourly rate is looking good for the futureJ)

(we are pretty strict re money around her so he gets to keep 25 dollars and the rest goes towards his 2 weeks camp stay that is hugely expensive in the summer as I think it is an important lesson to learn as a kid that money doesn't grow on trees and that we have to contribute to the family expenses. We had decided this summer to Bear's dismay to skip a year of camps this summer for all three to save money but now that he made some money to put towards it we are reconsidering this )

(This year Beauty also has modelling job and will be poster girl for her athletic brace company!!! It’s good year for the kids (and ironic as was always Chase as a kid we thought would do acting and modelling!!)

We are so proud of our Bear!!!! Good Job!!!

Mommy Get Better

I don’t talk about it much as it is one of these subjects that breaks my heart beyond repair and so I keep a lot of it inside.

My Mom is not well. Really really unwell. With so many things not well and going wrong that I am not even going to write any of them on this blog.

Ailment after aliment, diagnosis after diagnosis, illness after illness, pain after pain, accident after accident, and worry after worry. In the last couple of years it has really hit an all-time record high of hardness for my poor Mom although she has been struggling with many issues for about a decade or longer now.

It completely breaks my heart from every angle

And the worst news is that I am not talking about an old woman here.I am talking about a 64 yr. old beautiful, young, vibrant woman. Truly beautiful inside and out in every way. A smart, wonderful, interesting, amazing person who should be living life to the absolute fullest.

A series of events this week broke my heart and hers….making it almost too much to bear. A series of events I can’t even speak about at this moment in fear of just tearing apart in two.

So I did what I could do and went and bought these beautiful flowers…for a woman who I truly love more than life itself and always have. These flowers remind me of the abundant and bright life that I know rightfully belongs to her.

Saturday night at Home and Happy

I can count on my fingers how many Saturday night we are joke in a year. Very very few. Friday night often but Friday night have a different flavor to them than Saturday nights.

So here we are Saturday night at home- and if you had told me a year ago we would be doing anything we are doing right now I would not have believed you.

Chase has his girlfriend here and they are sitting at the kitchen table cutting parsley up and portabella mushrooms for the bavette steak

Bear and his girlfriend are here and they are making Greek salad at the counter and now his girlfriend is sprawled out on the family room couch with Bear and cuddling and were chatting with me a few mines ago who  also sprawled out on the couch

Beauty made an angel cake and does not have a friend here tonight (that in itself is rare!). She feels comfortable enough to only wear only  her bodysuit and brace and is doing gymnastics in the family room

The doorbell just rang at 8:30pm and the BFF of Bear and his girlfriend is over for the evening too-I didn’t even know he was coming! The more the merrier. I always find it funny when kids show up without us knowing-I actually like it. Shows me that the kids are so comfortable with just living there life and knowing we accept their plans. Weekends are for all of us..and more and more we are unaware of their plans but always support them (haven’t messed up yet so not very strict with this stuff)

Hubby and I sat down in the circus of all of this in the centre and continued on our finical analysis for a couple of hours

I am wearing jeans with a belt and a tucked in t-shirt

Music is blearing. Everyone is laughing.

After dinner we are all going to watch the Good Wife together.

OMG is all I can say. Life has changed. This is a new phase and harder for us to adjust-but we are doing it. Staying close to our kids is our number one priority-so we are adapting and going with the flow.

Friday nights are often different as everyone tired from week and also kids anxious to get out and see friends etc. so often kids not home or an bunch of friends here but we are too tired to cook so we do pizza or lasagna etc.

Saturday has always been our real family night bc of the cottage and so we are carrying on the tradition here too. It feels good.

Last night was also fun. Bear stayed home with us to juts chill and relax and we watched Amazing Race and did burgers on the BBQ. Then Beauty came in at 11pm from a friend’s bday party and Chase at 10:30pm from dinner out with his girlfriend and her family. We all watched the Good Wife and just chatted and hung out-and had a blast together. Half watching TV, half chatting and half on our own phones and computers

And Chase bought his sister a 10 dollar bag of popcorn caramel from kernels just because he felt like it and told her he loved her.. It brought tears toy his Dad’s eyes it was so unexpected and heartfelt.

It’s a new stage with these beautiful girls sprawled around our house-that is for sure…but it is also fun in some ways too. I am so thrilled that our kids want their girlfriends here.

We can do this!

I know my blog may seem a little peachy and rose coloured lately…and you know what..?It’s because lately with the kids..it actually is! Lately that is! Glad one area of my life is very peachy these days (even if can change tomorrow with the kids!!!)




And a PS picture: We spend a great afternoon Hubby and I in Bromont at a friend's house. Hubby's great friends for years now as was happy to share a great day with them. Friendships are so precious:))

The Rocks on my Back

 

I have heard this analogy in many forms…rocks in backpacks..heavy suitcase…stones in the heart . It all comes down to the concept that we as human beings carry many heavy loads and certain things add to those loads and certain things lighten them. I personally think most people-all of us-make our load heavier ourselves or lighter. The power lies not with the outside world but within us.

I have been personally been  trying to lighten mine for yrs. . . . . with varying levels of success.

This week I had 3 people tell me “that I really seem to have my act together in my life” or a varying form of this same statement…and this made me very happy and complimented.Because you know what? I think this is kind of starting to be true…finally

I HAVE WORKED SO SO FRIGGIN HARD ON MY SELF. YEARS AND YEARS OF TRANSFORMATION AND THERAPY AND SELF AWARNMESS.IT IS ALMOST CRAZY HOW MUCH IN TIME I SPEND TRYING TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER-EXPLORING CHILDHOOD-GOING TO DARK DEEP PLACES…..FIGURING OUT MOTHERHOOD AND MARRIAGE..WORKING WORKING WORKING…

Ahh….I sorta feel like 2015 is there year where it will fully show.

I ironically always started with the bigger stuff-get those rocks out of my knapsack first. The hard stuff, the really hard stuff. And I amen really really hard people..

And the more stones I unload, the more place I have to fix the little stuff! It’s so true! And I see it in people all around me-people who are not at peace, who hold grudges and repress things and don’t deal with what hurts them. People who want to be happy but come across to the world as bitter, people who want so much but can’t have it..Because they have not faced the true demons yet. People who have not said sorry when they should-people who have not forgiven those who have done them harm.Their knapsacks are wearing them down. And each time a difficult situation comes up- they resort to dysfunctional behaviors and derail. It’s totally what I did and have done for years…..

Until now.

So now my little stuff is making me proud.

-I have room in my head and heart to get healthy! Over the last 7 weeks I have lost 6 lbs. and more importantly have found an eating lifestyle that I will likely stick to forever. It is healthy, and good for me, and feels right, and makes me slowly but surely shed lbs. in a healthy way that I don’t feel I am depriving myself in most ways. I feel good

-My blood pressure is normal! 114/80 yesterday! I have toughed out 4 weeks with awful side effects on what felt like a drug from hell…and now each day is getting a bit better. Maybe I will need to change eventually as side effects hard-but maybe I just had to tough it out.

-I am exercising 4 mornings a week-power walking always by the lake

-Our finances are getting in order after 18 years. I know now how much we spend on groceries and cable and clothes! OMG. This was imposed on us as in a bit of a financial bind right now-but nonetheless it is making us look at all this scary stuff

-And I wash my face every night. I am a Fancy Face again.

I know these things are not life altering-but they are for me. They have been on my to do and resolutions lists for about a decade now….and now I am doing them! And why? Oh why? Oh why? Why now???

Because I have freed some big emotional energy-some feelings. I am fully authentic and living life from my head and heart in sync. I have worked my ass off to get here.And I have almost arrived. And I hopefully will have by that end of 2014. My year from hell in fact has thought me to live and forced me to live to my full potential. The career will come next..in about 5 yrs…

Soulkeeper told me a few years ago-never ever to give up therapy until you have the feeling of complete peace-that no situation will ever take away from you-because it belongs to you. She said true transformation is when you have this. I am not fully there but well well on my way-I can see the light of it. And when Soulkeeper and I discussed we realized that this does not come free at all. You have to put in the work to get it..Have to bear your soul fully and authentically. 100 percent. And go through all the hard stuff and face it…and FEEL it. I feel free. I feel like I have found the treasure chest in the ocean and I have unlocked it and am slowly but surely swimming up to the surface with its heavy load in my arms...ready to take a breath of air. Finally.

And you know what? I think I am armored to carry more suitcases and more rocks when they come my way (which they most certainly will) I think I can also carry them better now.And I am reaching for the hands of my loving husband and children and family and friends. to help me carry life’s load. To share it with them even if just a little bit at a time.

It’s starting to feel complete.

and that is how it is all occuirng to me.

I love him so incredibly much

I

This is going to be an over the top post full of lots of words that may sound exaggerated- but are not.

Tonight I spent a great couple of hours with my son Chase….and I love him so so so so much. Honestly is it possible to feel like this about someone?

I mean let’s get honest here there are many times in life and weeks and days and even hours that he drives me bananas. He is 16.5 yrs  afteralll..he is a teenager with an attitude. But there is something so lovable and precious about him it makes my heart melt. It has always been like this..Since the moment he was born…I felt like the luckiest person on earth.

Tonight was our second visit to the chiroprater which is 30 mins drive away. He has back issues and getting a few treatments. Also a bit of an experiment since he thinks he may want to be a chiro one day.

He doesn’t want to play music in car because he wants to talk and starts out with “how are things lately for you Mom?

Then he gives me advice about my driving

Then he opens the door for me

Then he has GREAT conversations with me

We talk about the other two :kids” and what they are doing wrong and right lately in their lives. We talk about how proud we are of his Dad for some of the obstacles he faced this year

He agrees with me on most things!!!

We talk about his girlfriend and he listens to my advice!

We talk about school, the future, girls, his friends, the chiro everything and it is so damn pleasant.

(I swear a few times so he can relate to me and he laughs)

We talk about our upcoming vacation and get all excited

We laugh in the chiro office when I have to close my eyes when his back gets cracked

We both agree the chiro is one of the sweetes t kindest men we have ever seen

We have real amazing conversations and laugh together and respect each other. And then both last night and tonight he comes up and hugs me from my back and kisses my cheek and says “do you know how much I appreciate you??”

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then he tells me how now in class people ask HIM questions about the notes and subjects and homework assignments because he is getting really good in school.

Often times I am with him it is not like this at all-he is in a foul mood or quiet or to himself or everything I do seems to annoy him. But tonight was our night and we clicked. There was nowhere in the world I would have rather been than there with him. Not Italy, not the beach, anywhere.Just at that Chiro with my son.

I have spent so much of my life worrying about this boy, loving him, fretting over him, obsessing over him. Letting him go. He has occupied more of my thoughts than the whole family put together  (until I stopped that unproductive behavior two years ago and now barely think or worry about him at all!.

He can honestly be the biggest pain in the neck on earth and lazy and disrespectful and preoccupied.He can be mean and impolite

But mostly? He is amazing human being. I respect who he is so much and the decisions he makes. I love watching him grow up before us.

And tonight he gave me more than a glimpse of who he really is and who he has become and who he will become. And I am so so excited to have him as an older teen and eventually as an adult in our livess. He will always bring us so much joy and happiness-of that I am sure. He always has……

In his subtle, lovable and charming way.

I will never forget tonight as it was the night I realized exactly who he is under the teenage façade much of the time-under the unruly long hair in the now half ponytail, under the stress of the exams……

I saw his heart tonight and will never ever forget it.

And I saw our relationship for everything it is.

Getting our Act Together

I don’t have the perfect marriage (although I have a really good one)

Far from perfect. 20 yrs together and 18 married and we have had our share of issues and problems and successes and great moments.

Our marriage is stable and secure and good.

Today as we looked at our finances together it occurred to me what we are really good at as a couple: (the top three things)

1-Parenting. Totally aligned and in agreement on I would say 98 % of subjects

2-Figuring out solutions to big problems. Great communication together. If there is a problem-we solve it. Takes us forever to make decisions-but we make good ones and never look back once they are made

3-We get our act together. As parents as a couple as workers as humans. We fix what is broken and give it our laser focus and attention and won’t back down until it is fixed.

Another time I will write a list of top 3 things we are bad at but not today. Today I was impressed by us.

We need to get our serious act together over our finances. And so we are. Have set every free hour of the next week to do so (keep in mind not too many hours left  with our careers, kids medical apts, mom off sick tomorrow so all domestic stuff of week, chiros and dr apts in evening, planning for vacation in a week, extracurricular activities and 6 hrs. of sleep a night, taking care of the two homes and transition from summer to winter etc..etc..etc)

But as we sat at dining room table last night and this morning..I looked over at my partner and was so grateful that that he is mine and in this life together with me.

Cause your the sky..full of starts
I am going to give you my heart
Cause your the sky that can light up the park

I don’t care. If you tear me apart. Oh no…

Cause in a sky full of stars...

I think I saw you.

This financial  stuff is not easy for us. We have literally been avoiding it for 18 yrs. We save some money (sometimes) have a financial planner we meet with twice a year, save for educations-but really we have known idea where our money is going. If we seem to be able to pay of the credit cards and bills at the of the months we figure we are ok and keep on spending in the usual direction-having no clue what or how much we spend on. Our financial advisors get mad at us often-and we just kinda ignore them and hope they all go away.

It’s a great formula usually.

Until you can’t pay the bills and expenses anymore.

And you have to max out your line of credit.

That is where we are at I guess…seems crazy

Sort of like when your dentist tells you to floss your teeth. And you ignore him until you are getting gum surgery and regret it.

But in 2014 along with the whole bunch of problems we  got to experience-we also had massive amounts of unplanned expenses-and I mean massive that all go along with these circumstances. 2014 has been one big hot mess.

And a whole lot of living to do this year too! We had two trips planned with family (usually take one every two years with the family) and three kids in high school so a big expense etc….this was a year we knew would be more expensive than others. It was our special year as last year of high school for Chase-so we are trying to pack in everything we have ever wanted to do as a family before one goes off to Cegep and has different schedule and priorities etc.We have always been a family of five and justts won’t be the same without him with us all the timeL(

So what did we do? Just forge along blindly….just planned it all and went ahead with the special year of course! Well now we have to sort it all all. And understand the last year, and our spending, and eighteen yrs. of being ignorant. It is scary. We are really anxious. And exhausted. And petrified. But we are in this together. And when we do something? We do it really well. We are a super team.

So in doing our anxiety provoking expenses exercise this week which is far from complete I have noticed:

-That we spend A LOT of money on food.

-That relationahipsare top of list in every choice we make

-That medical expenses are super high and this is a top priority for us. If we are broken we fix it –we don’t back away from hard things (aka $200 for 50 mins of therapy weekly, uncomfortable yearly colonoscopies done)

-We have a great life and I can’t believe we have managed to pull this off all these years

-We really know our priorities. Cars could not bat an eyelash for but spending time with those we love in a leisurely envioronment  a super high priority

-We work really really hard

-We are financially irresponsible in ways not to know where money is going

But…. Another part of me looked at this and was grateful. Grateful that I have not had to do this horrible exercise in this way until now. Grateful that we have always been able to travel and have leisure, and go out to restaurants and have a cottage. Grateful because if I had done these 18 yrs. ago…there is so much of this stuff we would not have done. Ignorance is bliss is some ways….The ignorance formula used to work before-but not working so well anymore I must admit. Time to adapt and get smart again.

Anyways despite an extremely busy and stressful and financially packed week where we are slowly discovering we spend much more than we earn-to our dismay…:

I felt very much in love

And after 18 yrs. of marriage?

That is a gift.

(not sure if Hubby would say the same! He seemed to have a lot of headaches this week!)

So I am looking forward to get back to the calculator late again tonight and early again tomorrow morning and sort it all out. Fix it. Together. Have a plan. Get it right.

Sorting out the sometimes hot mess of my life-one step at a time.

Grateful for my courage to know what is broken..and to put it back together.always

No Time for Tired!!!

In our family-we seem to have no time to be tired or sick.

Life just rolls and keeps us busy and on our feet.

Well last night we all crashed. Literally. Had a big day doing a million Fall things at home and then made a big sausage stew and had a great movie planned out for the evening. We were all looking forward to the evening. We drove up to that cottage for a late dinner.

When we arrived at 9pm for our late dinner we all juts kinds stepped out of car and sat on couches. Hubby heated up the dinner. We juts lounged. He has more energy than all of us put together lately.

Then after dinner we cleaned up  and then one by one just sort of fell asleep on the various couches throughout the house. And never rally woke up. I think I made it up to bed around 2am and I had no clue what happened to my kids. Hubby was the only one who watched the family movie alone !

(A far cry from a year ago where he would always be the one to sleep. Poor guy all alone on Saturday night.)

That’s how tired we all are. Exhausted. Our weeks are so big and busy-like most people we know. We crashed.

I am on a med for 4 weeks now that is lethal. It is for a slight high blood pressure I have and it’s symptoms are awful. One is chronic tiredness. I slept 14 hrs and woke up exhausted!

But I truly have no time for this tiredness or symptoms. Literally if I mention any symptom to my family they just say ”oh really” and walk away!And I get it..it doesn’t even hurt my feelings at this point. I know we have no time for this.

Whenever one of us gets sick we just kind of ignore it and hope it goes away really quickly. It’s a good method-try not to pay attention to it and it usually disappears .With five of us in a home there always seems to be one aliment or another..besides Chase who likes to discuss his health as much as possible-the rest of us just pretty much never speak about how we feel unless really necessary.

Scoliosis has been harder to ignore clearly

But all the back pains and headaches and colds and stomach flus and period cramps, and frozen shoulders and sprained ankles etc….they get so little attention in this house they tend to fade away until the next time.

So no one really cares too much about my chronic tiredness as they are all too tired themselves to care.

I think we will all do really well with our upcoming beach vacation in November! First time in a decade that hubby and I will replace our usual couple vacation with this family one….and I think we will all need it. My Mom is coming tooJ

I intend to enjoy every lazy minute of it. I will shut my mouth, try to turn off my nagging, stop caring about if they are on Facebook or not, soak in the sun, read a lot, lie by the beach and the pool, have a lot of good food and great conversations and just SLEEP. And I will try to be romantic in the evenings if I can find the energy given that Hubby and I have our own room! Yay!

I really pray there is lots of nice hot sun. This family deserves a few rays this year. I hope we find them there. And I hope I can just relax and take it easy. No stress, no drama…just fun as a family. Keep the hurricanes away, the sun shining. Keep illness far away-and cozy beds near. Lets see if I can challenge myself and only say “yes” to the kids all week or “sure whatever” wouldn’t that be great if I could do that??????

I can’t wait.

And surprisingly we are happy to give up our alone vacation for these crazy teens of ours. We need to soak them all in for the next few precious years even if half the time they drive us crazy.

After that? It will be juts you and baby for many many years. Let’s make sure we take full advantage of the lives we have right now…and that includes three teens. Our bebes.

Are we there yet?

It appears we are!

Cegep visits with Chase began today. And unlike last year where he was clearly not ready to look ahead-he was ready today. Fully engaged and interested. What a difference a year of maturity can make.

If you had asked me 5 yrs ago or 3 yrs ago or even 2 yrs ago if there was any chance this boy would be interested or potentially qualify to do a Science degree I would have giggled (or if I am being honest maybe died laughing). But not only is he intending to apply to do a Human Science degree but as double DEC program of Commerce and Science over three years!!!!!!

OMG!!!!

 And it is not to see that he will get into the Human Sciences degree-his marks are borderline for that program….and may not be good enough at all…but the fact that his interest is there and that he would want to do a double degree to cover all his bases to leave all the doors open for university impresses me to no end. the problem with the school he attends currently is that is  doubly hard as a public school and grades are expected to be about 10-15 marks below public schools...but there are no calibrations done for Cegep! If he was coming from a public school he would get into Sciences for certain...but no it is more unlikely than likely.

And I feel proud as a parent. And so does his Dad.

Academic are really really important to us. Not the grades they receive necessarily (thought of course the good grades please us) What is most important to us is that they see education as a gift..Are self-motivated…are taking school seriously. And know that school is a path to their future. The grades are secondary but still an important element.

We base our kid’s success by how much they care..How much they do on their own without needing to be pushed or nagged and how much they connect their future to their present academic state. By about grade 6 our expectation is that they are 100 percent independent in studying and planning homework…are not to be nagged about studying and homework and self-manage it all by themselves except for having certain hrs that technology is shut down and they are expected to be studying..(but who knows since we are at works right?) They are expected to make their choices and live the impact . even as early as grade 2 besides reading a dictee or verbs to them weekly or a testing on memorization for exams-they were left largely alone in their studies and projects, they manage it fully. Chase got the most help...because he was our eldest and we made the most mistakes on him.Babied him a bit too much...so that was why it made me proud to see him all grown up today.

Check! Check1 check!  Check! All three kids!

And trust me they were not all born this way-this has been a HUGE work for us as the parents getting to this stage. But we set the stage well and all three are set up for success-in the way that they will make their own choices and are aware of the impact of those choices. They do school for themselves and not for us. They truly care.

Last week there was one night when Chase had recuperation at lunch and then an afterschool study period. But he time he got home he was sol exhausted and just said “I am not studying to doing homework tonight”

And that was the first time in his life he ever said that.

And I told him that was a wrong choice as he knows he would pay for it the next day at school and he listened and went up and did it anyways. One of the downfalls of this school is that there is never a night or weekend without homework and studying…it has never happened in his 5 yrs. there. And when you skip it..you get held after school. Hard on kids for sureL But also makes them really appreciate their weeks off (there is a week off every 6-8 weeks in this school)

This school teaches resilience and hard works and is motivating. It works…..this school is God like to me. Sometimes I feel like getting down on my knees and praying to it!!!! Many parents who talk about this school call it cult like! I agree in a certain way!

My kids are weak and lazy at a lot of things..a lot of things. But school is not one of them. All of varying degrees of competency and skill, and grades and passions…but all committed and passionate in various ways. The sports and dance program help considerably because they are motivated to wake up every day and go to do what they love often surrounded by a bunch of academics subjects that they could take or leave most days of the week-but the climate and dancing and 77 sports taught help them enjoy it all.

In describing this school to a contact the other day who is considering sending her kids there it was easy for me to summarize: It’s not for every kid-you have to have parents and kids alike that take academics very seriously and are willing to put the time and energy to do what is needed to succeed at this school. But it’s a formula that if it is what you believe in-that teens need a focus to stay out of trouble? It is a magical place….it keeps them focused on the right things throughout the turbulent years and surrounded by similar and like-minded students (and parents).

Last night I came home to 5 teens sitting around the table with Chase… all 16.5 yrs. and they were all so smart and good and funny and kind. I felt safe enough to actually leave them all there and leave for the evening for a  very long date night with my Hubby. And when I came back. Everything was perfectly ok as I predicted.

 Today I saw my son in action, the lazy one in some ways, the less academic one in some ways, the one who I used to pray would pass math. And there he was ….in the science building of my alumni. Asking great questions. I realized my lens needs to change on him..he has changed. He has felt the magic of his school and has bloomed before our eyes

Finding his way-with every skill he was taught in his suitcase of life.

I was desperately proud of my boy today

And very excited for him for the next stage of his life.

Snippets of Life

I remember when Beauty’s scoliosis video  went viral amongst my friends and family. Everyone saw it and showed it to someone else. I have had so many phone calls and emails and  comments on that video. On our family. Our home..our daughter. All positive. She will end up being having modelling  contracts because of it….her life has been changed by it in many ways.

“The girl who made scoiosis look beautiful” is what lots of people have said.

And when I watch that video that is exactly what I think of too.

But in reality? Those are just snippets of our lives, our triumphs, our obstacles, our looks, our home and scoliosis.  It’s not really us. Parts of it are for sure….parts of it is not really.

I thought of that today as I watched a wedding video on a blog I have been reading for two years. I thought it was so stunning and beautiful…they looked sooooo happy. It made me envious of having that kind of love and closeness. Nobody I know in real life even looks a fraction of that happy. I wanted that kind of wedding video!!!!! Why didn’t I do that???

It looked from the video that this couple was closer and more in love than anyone I have ever come across. And maybe they are? And maybe they are not?

In reading her blog this girl has struggled some. So has their relationship. Many ups and downs…just like the rest of us . But if I did not read that blog as often as I do I would have thought her life is a fairltyale-which I know it is not.

But ps her smile is so beautiful and so authentic that there must be something really wonderful in her life. She truly radiates all her beauty from her smile….it is simply gorgeous-even if she is not the classic beauty in other ways. Man a beautiful smile can go a long way!

I was also looking at pictures of a wedding I attended a long time ago-a distant friend in high school. In the pictures we all looked so happy and having fun. But in reality one of the dullest weddings I have ever been to! Even the bride and groom were bored-but in the pictures you would never have known. All that to say videos, blogs, pictures are all glimpses into someone’s lives but they are not their lives fully at all.

But man is it fun to watch. That wedding video gave me happiness and touched something in me. The scoliosis video I have literally watched a thousand times and each time I cry and also feel pride swell in my heart for my daughter and what we have done with this journey of scoliosis (which trust me is the biggest pain in the ass ever…my friend was talking about lice treatment for her daughter the other day and I realized that every night in our house is like a lice treatment :extra steps to ensure braces are clean and taken care of etc. and will be this way for at least another 1.5 yrs. if not longer )

These snippets can be so touching and inspirational. At family night which we got back into tonight after a four month summer break….I showed two inspirational videos and Bear showed another two. One wedding, one adorable kid video, one called “looking up” and another on bullying and the impact of it.

And for the first family night in a while since they are teens..They were totally engaged and immersed. I have found over the last year our family nights are not what they used to be. Our kids have loooong days…this school is a tiger so having another little lesson at night is not top of list anymore even with a treat (like it used to be)

I have found a great way to disguise these lessons! Videos!!! Short ones too and so touching.

All that today my hearty is full tonight because of these videos..and I hope my families hearts are full too.

Bu hey you know what? I bet when people watch Beauty’s video they think of us and say” I wish I could be part of that great family!”…in the same way that when we see their videos…we wish the same thing.

The grass is always greener isn’t it?

 

family night little bowls for treats. small enough not to make us too fat.

Our Penguin

 

Over the last few weeks penguins have been popping up all over the place. I normally never give any thought or consideration to this species.

That has changed now

Chase decided for the first time ever not wear a cardboard box over his head for Halloween and will be one of 15 penguins in the graduation class of 2015. My Uncle and Aunt gave me a bday card with a penguin on it. I read an article about penguins in a magazine and a sculpture caught my eye of a peingun at a third world fair.

And I realized why this animal is symbolic to me now.

There is a scene in the movie “March of the Penguins” that is a tender aha moment for me. Touches me to the core.

There is a part where the mother has to transfer the egg to the father. It is a crazy process-slippery and dangerous and so many of the eggs just don’t make the transfer. But once that father has the egg, he really has it. He huddles over it through a month of freezing winds and storms and everything else Mother Nature can throw his way.

And I know in remembering that scene? That Empire penguin is human husband. That is exactly what he did, what he does and what he will always do for us. This is the hallmark of what has kept me loving him for all of these years.

 

 

Yesterday was an anniversary for us. Nine months of something special. It takes nine months to grow a baby and give birth-nine months is a long time. And yesterday it came and went –but it made me inspired to write this blog post.

My Guy, Our Protector He ..is our our Penguin

Thank you. Words could never ever be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simple and Perfect

no time to edit-running sorry for typos-written in bits and pieaces over the last few days..a bit all over the place!

me-peaceful

We celebrated my birthday 2 days in advance this year as Bear will be away and I will be offsite at a hotel downtown for work. today is the real day:)

We had dinner at my Mom’s and it was such a nice evening. Was it the company? The food? The gifts? The laughter? Was it watching my three teens as such different people than they were last year interact? Was it the pride I felt at how graciously they thanked their Grandma for the lovely evening? Was it the thoughtful gifts and words I received from all? Was it pride…in the life we have created? The big loblaws yummy cake? The way Chase sat and talked so maturely and humorously “my teeth at the dentist are as clean as my language” , or Bear putting his arm around Didi and telling me “be nice to your mommy!” or Beauty…asserting herself at the table to tell her stories, articulate her feelings, interrupting and making her space. The French. All their language-so beautifully spoken

It was all of that and more.

Being with my family with my Mom always grounds me. Centers me. And I know that it is always good time spent. Always. I am so excited to spend more family time this Thanksgiving weekend

And it was funny because it was such a simple evening. On my way there I was praying nobody else was invited as surprise. I am on a new medication for higher blood pressure and the side effects horrible and I almost was not well enough to come and had warned my Mom. She shifted the menu at the last minute and had almost made a recipe I would not eat! The kids had big exams and so had to come just for the dinner part and not the drinks and appetizer part. Everything was heading in the wrong direction. My Mom was in the hospital a week ago and probably not up to cooking so soon! But we all carved out space and energy for each other and made the time for what is important.

I am not usually caring too much about gifts….I love them but not what a birthday is for me . But the ones last night? Each one touched my heart for a different reason. And the words and the cards. I have always been a little disappointed in my kids on the birthday side to be honest. Last minute little gifts and cards and you can tell they don’t like parting from their money or time. They don’t go out of their way to make me and Hubby feel special or each other in the past necessarily. Not one of their strengths. Has always made me a little sad.

Well this year. Magical. Each one beautiful card with long and meaningful words.

Each gift so thoughtful and careful chosen (including a sparkly scrunchie and bodywash for the shower, a totally over generous gift card to Chapters and a new charm of a palm tree for my charm bracelet with a full description of why that charm was chosen (represents that time we take out at the cottage and vacation to be a family and cuddle..awwwww..and represents 2014 for Chase.

As I looked at them all and soaked up the scene and happenings….I felt so treasured and these words came to my mind

“In 2014…you have finally been fully the Mother you have always wanted to be. And what they have needed. This is it Girl. I have become a leader at home in the way I lead at work: I lead from the head and the heart most of the time now simultaneously. Finally.

I realized then this was no different than any year. Their feelings were a direct reflection of how they felt exactly that year. There was no expectation from me, no wants, no advice about bdays…it was all straight from their hearts.  And this year? Their hearts were full. And every single bit of heartache we have been through this year was wound up in those cards for me all beginning with” Mom…2014 was hard…”or wow 2014 Mom..”They realized we got through as a family..They realized we did not let them down when it would have been so easily to. They saw their Mom and Dad as fighters. They got to see Love in Action.

And my Mom’s birthday  basket was sooo nice. Honestly full of everything I love and so carefully chosen and wrapped. And Hubby’s gift was gorgeous –a new work bag so beautiful and a bunch of treats inside. I was made to feel very special this year.

These are my people. And I love them to the core.

I got a new haircut today. I put my scale away and just admired in the mirror how my dress is fitting a little bit better since all my emphasis on protein lately. I wore a favorite dress. I am going out to dinner tonight with my colleague I wrote the book with from Swiss and Souklpeeer is joining us for dessert as I need them to meet!

Tomorrow I am offsite at a great hotel for a program and tomorrow night between meetings and business dinners Beauty and Hubby (and maybe Chase) will come watch Parenthood with me and maybe even sleep at the hotel for my real birthday.

We have never ever been as broke as we are right now, or have had as much medical bills as we do, business for my husband is at a record-breaking low and the side effects of my new med are at a record breaking high. My Mom is still unwell most days of the week, and my daughter is in a brace 20 hrs. A day for another two years, Chase has to yet again change ADD drugs and my boys are both starting to truly grow up to fast for me in too many ways and too early for my liking. There is no alcohol in our lives or house or at social events anymore and each day and learning to adapt to other ways to comfort and handle the stress of life as a team and a couple.

But you know what? In return? I got PEACE. The missing link I have always been searching for.

And I can’t wait to tell my cherished collegue tonight who has been a mentor for me for so many areas in my life..And has kept me disciplined with good habits in my search for sun: that I seem to be here now. And just at the point that my village thought I might crumple? I have found Peace.

And I know what he will say: that he is proud of me.

At at my early bday dinner last night-I felt proud of my little family. And excited for the future whatever it may hold.

 

and today on my actuall bday so much love already from friends and family and collegues and accountants, and everyone.

I am truly a lucky lucky girl. all so thoughtful and heartfelt. I feel like a princess