Life is Long

Life is Long

I keep telling myself this over and over the last few weeks as besides our luscious pause in time for our luscious vacation- it has been 24/7.

I miss connecting with friends on the phone

I miss writing on this blog. So much!!!!

I miss lying down to watch at show or read at night

I miss having time to catch up on my moms’ life.

I miss a lot. December is always like that as the holidays approach. Not only is work CRAZY but just life is crazy and every single moment is filled.

I miss having no time to think or for a lingering kiss.

But there have also been so many moments that I have cherished. Little ones with big impact.

Coming home for vacation at midnight last week and kissing the warm soft sleepy cheek of our daughter and seeing that she had set up her traditional sparkly hot pink Christmas tree in her room like she does every year. I love her sense of tradition and organization. I love the way her mind works

Seeing Bear “Study all Day” with three friends on what is supposed to be “Journee Carboneutre” (saving energy in gas  and studying all day from home and attending all classes on line)” Ya right! I would have believed it if one of his friends did not even attend their same school! Go on line register for class and then go play video games. Just makes me in awe of teenagers and their growing up process. Also proud of myself that I don’t get bogged down by this stuff or I would be a nagging machine. Their choices! Their consequences!

Seeing Chase become a man. Dating beautiful young woman again. Seeing his values and ethics come through and through again when I check his texts very occasionally here and there when I feel is needed and seeing who he is, what he stands for. This guy is a catch as a boyfriend and as a date and there are no lacks of girls who agree with me. He went on a beautiful date last night all dressed up and took downtown the car to the museum and a fancy dinner. With a sweet and beautiful girl. I am so glad that he is feeling so good.

And Beauty sharing Black Friday with Vanilla Bean and SoulKeeper too. Was a special the four of us and also a hotel for the night. I love this girl stuff. Never ever been more exhausted but was so fun.

And last night seeing my Hubby in his element with his college friends laughing and laughing and lighting up. Was a really nice dinner party.

And the letting go. Of a potential business contract I thought might be a hole in one for 2017 and beyond and is not. Of a part of a friendship that I thought was always predictable and safe and comfortable and which is not making me feel that way lately. Of a need to know for sure what is happening in my  career and letting it flow. Of a need to know how I will possibly get it all done on my own and knowing I will somehow find a way. Of needing to have both business and personal things clear for me to sleep at night.

My whole life is now a comfortable shade of Grey. Chase even looked at me this morning and said “Mom you look relaxed and beautiful. The way the light is shining on your eyes makes them grey and clear and pretty” Aww…….

So I am freaking out of all the things I feel I want to do and cannot do for the moment as not enough hours in a day. I miss them. I miss things. I miss moments.

And then I remind myself that if I am lucky… Life is Long and that there will be many moments ahead and always and I take a deep breath and focus on what is most important and urgent. Constantly trying to adhere to my own ethics that relationships take the place over all. Almost all of the time.

And pride in that the important things..the really important things like spending time with precious family and friends, contributing to those in need, connecting with loved ones on what is important to them and making time for social events and building traditions and special moments. Even throughout the chaos these still happen. Often these things are hard to justify, hard taking the time to do, hard to make happen. Sometimes we ask ourselves, how are we doing this, what are we doing this, how are we squeezing so much into the few hrs we do have? But we never ever regret these times. They are what we remember.

We feel good in December to make space for the moments that matter the most even if there are a whole lot of things that matter too that aren’t happening. And the other loooooong list on the to -do list that doesn’t get done? We tell ourselves…

Life is Long Enough.

If we are so blessed.

Moving Closer

Though some may call it a tragedy-I am going to call what we experienced a trial. Living through precarious circumstances has tried us again and again; in other words it has given us a chance to prove ourselves to ourselves. We were able to push through, in addition to other upheavals, because we finally accepted that if there is one thing you can expect form life, it is the unexpected. Once we stopped looking for someone to blame, including each other, we could brace each other and hold tight.

My favorite passage from “Wife for Life”

There are always particular moments in life that touch us. Mine often occur on vacation simply because it is there that I take the time to notice the simple lovely things. This vacation was no exception.

There was a large wedding at our resort while here and although the wedding hardly touched us (really stern, harsh looking bride and groom!) their extended family did. Especially the gorgeous guy in the wheelchair. I could not take my eyes off of him.

I loved his style. Turquoise shirt, beige pants, cool shoes, windblown messy dark hair and expensive shades. And a really really nice  sexy sultry smile. And his wheelchair was pretty cool too and made for the beach with big wheels for the sand. But all of this is not what impressed me of course-one of many gorgeous men on the beach. It was what he radiated as a human being and the love that surrounded him.

He had what I imagine what his brother was looking after his every need but the brother looked so much like he wanted to help him. Like his partner. His foundation in so many ways. It was almost as if they shared the burden of what happened to the guy in the chair. It was this brotherly love that struck me most. It is damn hard to push a wheelchair in the sand so the brother needed help and the guy himself helped him but using his arms as much as possible to wheel it. Together.

Then it was time for wedding pictures of the whole family and you could tell this guy did not want to be defined by his chair. You could just tell that he had once walked and that this was an accident that left him completely paralyzed from the waist down. His brother and his cousin immediately just lifted him out of his chair and a girl came and held his legs that dragged behind him while he was being supported standing up by both guys. They supported him for the 15 mins of pics as if they did this every day. And lifted him in the air to look taller in the pics. And the guy smiled and smiled. I could feel so much love around him and inside of him. He was adored. And he adored himself.

I kind of secretly fell in love. Shhh. (anyways my husband was so impressed by this guy and his family too)

But what it taught me is how we are defined by our reactions and attitudes to our trials.This particular guy in this particular wheelchair will stay etched in my memory forever.

And then the couple on the beach. She crawled in his lap on a small single chair and stayed there in his arms and had a nap. It was so sweet.

So they next day I did that too (with my husband). It was such a great nap. I love being much smaller and shorter than my husband in this way. He was able to encompass me in this way. I loved this.

And the book I read “Wife for Life” (who I wrote a fellow blogger I don’t even know about as I am certain it will touch her profoundly) so many parts I find a bit crazy and old fashioned but some beautiful nuggets of truth and wisdom in there too. Things that will change me and my marriage. A lens I have never looked through before. The reason I probably curled up in my own knight in shining armor’s lap on the beach that day.

Vacation allows me to feel what is freely in my heart. It gives me the pause to stop and wonder at the beautiful moments that make up a life. Some people probably have these moments daily-I have them when I pause. My real life pauses at family dinners, weekends and vacations. Sprint. Recovery. Sprint. Recovery.

Bracing each other and holding on tight. It’s what we have done for more than 20 yrs now and it works. Moving towards eachother…instead of turning away. Crawling into his welcoming lap is just the next stage to discover.

The next stage to notice.

Wish Beauty was Here

She would have so much fun with these Potcake puppies!

We fostered another one today.. A little baby 8 weeks old . We took Hugo for a long walk with lots of breaks for him.

He was soooooo cute . Completely different personality than other puppy. Was shy and wanted to be in our arms most the time. Just wanted to cuddle. Hardly would walk but we trained him to like it. And we figured out he loved his bag they give you at the kennel to hold his stuff and he would chase after it on the beach and wanted to hop in the bag and have us carry him often. What a sweetie.

He also liked drinking water alot but not so much his little treats. Sometimes he would just stop and refuse to budge . And when we would take breaks he would take little naps and power snoozes and fall asleep within 30 seconds ( like hubby !! )

He was another chick magnet for my husband . Woman after woman in little bikinis would be swarming after this puppy. I am telling you if you are single get a puppy men !!!

We kinda fell in love a little today with Hugo but also felt a little relived to give him back too. Hard work!! Could never go in ocean together . Was super fun to have these two experiences with puppies. Will help us make our decision about getting a dog for our family. We decided by valentines day ( february 14 2016) we will have a final yes or no.

This is a BIG decision and  we want to make the right and responsible one.

We got back to our beach chairs today and missed both Hugo and meh-meh. Would have loved to see our girl walking these adorable pups.She would be in dog heaven

Believe it or not today we walked a total of 4.5 hrs !!!! Part with puppy and part without . Lots of breaks but left condo at 9:30 am  and back at 3pm with a stop for the best lunch ever . Second time at a turkish resto called turks kebab and their chicken curry pitas and fries are to die for. For some reason made me think of my Dad as he was from Trinidad and loved this type of food that i missed out on being a kid ( apparently i insisted on peanut butter only !! ) ps until the age of 20 yrs old .

For some reason today eating that curry wrap i wished I had the type of Dad I could have walked as a girl growing up hand in hand with. I wish we could have been the type of father/daughter duo to have eaten curry together. Usually I try my hardest to not let myself think these thoughts but sometimes I just let them in. Like today. It seems easier to wish I had not wasted my palette on peanut butter for so long.



Today was a phenomenal day with the most gorgeous sunset ever at night with a bright pink sky. Tonight massages on the terrace and homemade hamburger steak and fries .
Checked email tonight too and felt the pressure of next week of course and returning home soon . We leave monday ..

Something in particular about this trip is really relaxing. For once it seems we have not a care in the world . Our biggest worry is how to get back here one day!!  I have never worried less about the kids .. Between my mom and the kid's own autonomy at this stage it feels worry free. In the last two years especially I am not sure we have had many worry free times. We still have stuff to worry about but seems like we have learnt to cope much better with what is there.

We still totally pay for leaving big time when we get back though as the kids still want to run the show of course. But it is so worth it

Bye Hugo and Saturn ! Was amazing taking care of you and really gave us a good idea of what having a puppy is like. Along with Buddy and Coco to come and visiting Reggie, we will have all we need to make an informed decision by Valentines day!

Our Place

We have been coming here for so many years to this same condo it almost feels more like home than our actual home. We tend to attach ourselves to leisure places (here and the cottage) more than our actual place of living. When the kids move out one day it is a sure thing we will be moving into a small apartment and then using our money for paying off mortgage and debts and travelling to places like this!

This trip has been so good. Even better than usual if that is possible. Most days’ good weather and some cloudier and windier and rainier but in general really good. We have been doing thing is a bit differently this trip. Hers a few highlights:

We fostered a dogJ

We are fostering another puppy for a long walk tomorrowJ

We went parasailing yesterday high up into the sky

We went on a conch tour on a boat

We are talking to lots of people and being very social (usually in a week we barely speak other than to each other)

Each morning our alarm is set for 7:45 am and we get up and start day then or go to the outside bed on the porch and sleep off and on until about 9am. We have never gotten up past 8am from bed.

We are taking a nap almost every day for about an hour and a half on the beach. Today we came up to room and slept on porch from 6-7:30pm. If we had not put on alarm we would have slept through the night

When we go out to eat it is cheap hole in the wall restos like tonight

We watch a movie every night

We take long walks almost daily unless we are super lazy like today

Hubby jogs every second day on the beach. So proud of this guy!!!

Today I approached the hotel for business. I want to come back. He seemed interested and I got his email

We are talking about all sorts of new things in our lives that are totally new. In some ways it’s like discovering a different landscape of our normal lives in the last two years. It weird how when something changes everything changes. We are different people here now than we were two years ago the last time we came.

We spend hours and hours a day dreaming of ways of how to come back here or how to buy this condo. (PS we have been having this conversation for 7 yrs. now)

We talk to all the locals and they are so super sweet

Our eldest son would kill us but we went to a local resto tonight (cheap hole in the wall) and the hotel told us to take a taxi as not super safe as lots of stray dogs and locals I guess vs tourist area. We took a chance  to save 24 dollar cab ride and walked the 6 local minutes. The food was amazing!!!! But that was dumb we admit

We facetimed all our kids last night and my mom (no contact before that to give them and us a real mental break and true couple time). It was so wonderful speaking to them all and was on facetime for more than an hour. Love them all so much. Beauty was so cute. I think she was scared to tell us about a particular mark on her report card, but not the time to react when we are away. We love them all. 

At the age they are at now so easy to leave. We don't worry a single bit (maybe we should as Chase is going clubbing for the first time ever tomorrow night. A month from 18 yrs old hard to say no! Hope he doesn't get arrested and put in jail as nobody to bail him out as Didi goes to sleep super early:))

We are having near panic attacks looking at our schedules for next week when back to work and monkey bar gym. We arrive at midnight and as of 6am that next morning and every morning until X-mas packed solid. Good news for business but bad news for enjoying life!!!

Such a luscious trip. Every moment of it.

Our motto: Work hard and play hard. And live life in a series of extremely intense sprints. Don’t run marathons. Glad we have each other and both feel this way. It’s not for everyone-but it’s for us. The high stress high adrenaline of these sprints makes us feel like we earn the breaks to re-energize. We appreciate every moment of vacation as so incredibly different from our lives.

Not ready for the next sprint though. Glad we still have three days of heaven.

Bad bad mommy moment

I don't bribe my kids

I am too level headed and reasonable for that. Besides the fact that i take every opportunity possible to teach them a lesson. Bribing isn't part of my parenting toolkit.

Until now apparently.

Chase had a book report due the next day and had half of the book not read yet. I had not an ounce of sympathy. Get upstairs and read all day and night if you have too!

Then he looked at me and seriously said" pls can you read the whole book mommy and dicuss it with me so i can write the report??"

No! No! Of course not !!

Then i realized there were two things i really really wanted from him and have just not found a way to access
1-information about something i really really wanted to know
2- for him to come spend 9 days with his dad and i alone in june

I knew both would never occur unless i took some serious action. I wanted both desperately. Combined with the fact that i am pretty much a speed resder, liked the look of the book, that this child has never asked me for help in school and never missed a deadline at school....

I bribed him

And it worked like magic

On both counts

Can you even imagine having to bribe your child to come on a trip with you??? You will see how this all works when your kid is almost 18 yrs

I felt so so so so bad and guilty that day reading that book. Bad bad mommy

But deep down? For what i got in return? It ended up being on of my finer moments in reality

Sometimes in life we have to give up all ethics and let loose a little

That day? Mommy went wild😝😝😝😝😝

To Have or Not to have a Dog? that is the question

This has been a hot topic around our home lately! And not solved yet either!

We are doing a number of things to test the waters. Can you believe that in two weeks we will borrow a stranger’s dog for 6 days? That we had Beauty’s Bff’s dog at our cottage with a house full of guests? We will visit our friends in Toronto in December and get a sense of their dog too. There are many things we are doing to make this important decision and make sure it is the right one for our family. So far it is weighing in at a true 50-50 chance-but we are doing our homework wisely.

Today we fostered a Potcake puppy on the island of Turks and Caicos!!!! We got to walk her for over an hour on the beach and will go back later this week and take another puppy for a few hours too.

It was soooooo adorable and we loved our experience with “our” puppy. More than we imagined! A few highlights

-she was afraid of water and would quietly whimper when the ocean water touched her feet

-she kept getting tired of running and would lay her head and paw on Hubby’s lap

-she was a chick magnet. If hubby was single he would be in heaven! (I think he still was!) Everyone and everybody talked to us especially young women in tiny bikinis

-she loved her water and her treats and we trained her to sit and stay still before getting one

-she would be sad when she would see another puppy and then it would leave. She would cry

-she liked to be carried in our arms like a baby instead of walking part of the time when she got tired

We really missed her the rest of the afternoon and loved our experience with her. It was really fun to nurture her and take care of her. My heart expanded for that hour I think

I was never a kid person before either and I became one from loving my three babes. Same would go for dogsJ)))

What you chose to do along the way

I had coffee the week before I came on vacation with an old high school friend. We had seen each other for a period of a year about a decade ago but prior to that not since high school. She and I were very close in high school but then went our very separate ways in life.

It was amazing to reconnect with her and we had such a good time. She has three young children and was talking about how her life is, where she is at, how she feels, her challenges and obstacles and triumphs. I have always loved her authenticity and her openness to share about herself-I remember it from high school and she still has that trait now.

There are many different hinges about our personalities but also many similarities. She is very much now where I was about 5 yrs. ago in her thoughts and her feelings. When I told her she asked me how I had changed from those feeling s or that place and it was such a loaded and deep question.

It made me ponder and let me realize what a journey this has been,

Below is a short list of some of the ways I have changed my perspectives over these years. This is in no way an account of where my high school friends are at but an account of where I was at and where I am now. Things that come to mind.

It is only in retrospect t that I fully realize how far I have come. Not that my life has changed-I have changed. I am far more peaceful happier and calm than I was a number of years ago. And it has been damn hard and deliberate work.

A few things that stand out on my journey:

1-Feeling things. I went to intensive 1.5 yr. therapy and when I say intense I mean really really intense. No hiding, no repression, no subject was off limits. She showed me how to feel, to know the difference between sadness and anger. To this day when I feel a feeling I don’t like I have her voice in my head and we almost feel it together. Feeling. Feeling before taking action.

2-I am way less irritable. My kids might disagree but they don’t remember me 5 yrs. ago and before that even. This self is a gift! I learnt my hormone; cycles and how to anticipate and manage them. I learnt my triggers. I learnt my emotional triggers and my physical ones and I have learned to cope with them. When I am packing (often with cottage and lots of travel) I am still super irritable but besides that I would say it had improved by a good 80%!

3-I tell the truth. I say what I need. I don’t believe in scatting around issues, ignoring them, having big elephants in the tom and repression to me is an enemy. I tell you what I feel if I love you lots. What I think, what I feel and what I do not feel. How I experience a situation. Some like this more than others.. I believe in authenticity and truth. I believe in growing. I believe in true love and true love to me...is true and real. I am there for you through the thick and thin  of it all. I want the truth from you and you should expect it from me.

4-I 100% completely trust my kids. I believe in them fully to make capable, sound and good decisions. And if they don’t…I understand that too is part of growing up. This one is a miracle to me as I used to be the biggest control freak on earth with my kids. I got over it. I am finding teens a lot easier through this lens.

5-I have come a loooooooooong way in my marriage. We have come a loooooong way. Long, long long long. We have gone to bat for each other through thick and thin and have loved in action our marriage commitment to each other. We have put our children first and our family life and been through some very tough times together. We could have bailed but we did not. We are married almost 20 yrs.this summer and in the last 3 yrs. we are unrecognizable as a couple to the first 17 yrs. . . . We have re-defined ourselves individually and as a couple. We started off good but now we are great as a couple if I do say so myself. We are proud as not easy at all.

6-I have learnt to trust fully. Be vulnerable. Be fully authentic. Trust that I will be accepted and adored for exactly who I am. I have learnt to share and confide and trust. I have learned to breakdown and build up. I have learnt to love unconditionally. I have learnt to love and be loved. Soulkeeper has been one of the most tremendous teachers of my life in personal growth as a wife and a mother. She has completely changed my life over the last 5 yrs especially.

7-Hubby and I have realized that the body and mind are connected. We eat well, we exercise regularity. We get it now. We thought we got it before but we did not. We fully get it now and realize we need each other to behave in this area. It needs to be a family thing and it is becoming that. We have all altered the way we relate to food and exercise. All of us.

8-I have always had both a professional and personal mentor. Always. I can’t live without this in my life.

9-I have learnt to forgive. Others. Myself. I have learned that forgiveness is for you.

10-I have come to realize that professionally anything is possible. That if I want something it will be mine if I work hard, am capable and deserve it. I have realized that my professional potential is much much higher than my personal potential and that I need to capitalize on it. I need to reach for the stars. And I will.

In looking back at this I keep thinking over and over:

You have come a long way baby

And I have had tons of support through this ongoing journey. I have not been alone.

I have more peace and joy in my little finger now than I did in my entire body a decade ago. I have come so far through hard work, dedication, introspection and deliberate thought and action. I know what I needed to change about myself and I did it one step at a time. So did my husband. We are far from over…many, many more places to develop and improve in, but we have come a long way as individuals, professionals, parents, as a couple and as an extended family.

I am very very close to what I always dreamt of as my future self in many ways.

Now it is time to create my next future self. I am excited to start form the place I am now to define her. A place of stability, trust, authenticity, forgiveness and belief.

Finally I feel safe. And it is from this safe place where real growth can bloom.I feel that now, and only now I am able to realize my full potential with a steady secure foundation beneath me. That foundation that I created, that resilience that I found.

Never a good day to eat a banana

I often measure the quality and happiness of my life by how often I would allow myself to eat a raw banana.
And it has added up to zero times in the last 7 years.
Which means my happiness level must be pretty high up there.

You see i am allergic to uncooked bananas and I get really bad stomach aches. And there never seems to be a day i want to take that chance on. Ever.

Each day i think " wouldn't it be great to juts test this whole banana stomach thing again in case i am over it? Have a smoothie or a pb with banana sandwich or just a good old potassium fruit mid afternoon?

And each day i come to the same conclusion:
Today is too important for a banana
Today has to much happiness for a banana
Today there is too much to look forward to for a banana

And i choose life over bananas. Each and every single day

( don't even get me started on avocados!)

So although my life of course has it's ups and downs... I am proud and thrilled to see that i dont chose those bananas. It says something about my personal life , my professional life and my priorities.

There is so much more out there than the good old delicious strawberry banana smoothie

And that my friends is about as complex as my thoughts will take me today .

Ps another amazing few days at the beach . Gorgeous first few days of weather , nice people that we even had at the condo for cinommon buns and coffee, lots of sailing and long walks and daily naps . Life is good ! And banana free!

Getting Comfy Cozy in Paradise

Actually we settled in the minute we got here . When we come to the beach-this is where we come. It feels like home. It is our slice of heaven of the world. Truly paradise.

Back to the beautiful island of Turks and Caicos for us! We have come here for about 6 yrs. now each November but skipped last year for a variety of reasons and so has been two years. Feels soooooooo good to be back!

We stay in a condo belonging to one of my Hubby’s really close clients and get a great deal here. A really sweet deal for this kind of luxury. We are very very lucky. The condo we used to stay in was this client’s brother and he sold and now this one is also for sale L(((there were people visiting it today while we were here). So wish we had money to buy it!!! Nice to dream sometimes isn’t it?

I remember the first time we came about 7 yrs. ago my husband’s client sent us here for free! It was so generous of him. My husband is their family’s real estate attorney and he offered his condo in Turks to us. We had no idea it would look/feel/be like THIS. When the concierge walked us to our “room” we gasped literally and we actually thought we were in the reception of the hotel. It is so gorgeous ad right on the beach and a full kitchen etc. We cook all of our meals except 3 lunches and three dinners over the 12 days we are here in order to live the apartment life but more importantly to save money as food extremely expensive here. Ever since that first week here that we were given as a gift , of course now we pay for the condo, but get a much better deal than if we booked it ourselves so it is actually (somewhat) affordable and totally worth it to go into any kind of debt for this vacation.

We love it so much that we actually are even depressed the first day knowing that it will be our last time as condo for sale (miracle we are here even this week). We are so so so so in love with this place.

Yesterday was perfect. Smooth air schedule for once and non eventful travel. Arrived to gorgeous weather and headed straight for the beach. Had a yummy lunch right at the bar in the pool. Watched the sunset. Headed out to do a HUGE grocery order for the 12 days and got back and unpacked and fully organized. Watched a movie and went to bed.

Today another gorgeous beach day and walked and read. As of tomorrow will be more active and top of our list is to learn to stand up paddle, go sailing, walk 2 hrs a day, play tennis every second night, Hubby will jog every alternate night, go to all new restos, and foster a  local popcake dog for a day and walk it  on the beach which here is common thing. We also want to do the conch excursion and parasail and find a condo to go to the next time.

Right now hubby is cooking up red curry chicken with nann and homemade raita and rice and green beans.  Jazz music playing from the speakers He is the best. I am blogging. We will watch Grey's Anatomy tonight and shower in the double shower amazing open bathroom.

Before getting here we worked literally about 16 hrs days for many days. Both of us-it was really crazy. Neither of us thought that this was a busy time of year for our businesses but thankfully we were wrong. When back December is turning out to be one of my biggest months this year and unexpectedly too. I am getting into much new part so my business includes lots of HR consulting and lots of business development too.  I won’t be able to breathe in December at all but so worth it to be able to gather money to come to places like thisJ

Life is very beautiful for the moment. A calmness amongst the plentiful storms that were 2014 and slowly becoming more of memories that our present reality. We both feel calm and content  and professionally happy right now. We know there are many more storms to hit us-but for now we have a chance to breathe. And we are counting this as a true blessing.

We found sun here, good beer, we are in love after 20 yrs, the condo is not yet sold and we feel like we are in heaven.

Ahhhhhhhh..life is good

PS-I will hopefully blog a lot while here but don’t worry I won’t bore you with travel blogs as not a whole lot to say at the beach! I am looking forward to blogging about many things that have been wandering in my mind and I never have time to write about.

england by Meh-meh

My trip to England was really fun! We were 12 girls going to england. the first 2 nights we stayed in a hotel and i was in a room with my friend ariane it was so cool! we visited London 2, Oxford, Stonehedge and this little town called winchester. the rest of the week we  were sleeping in a boarding school and we each got a little room ( you probably saw a picture). It was really different from here but it was okay because it was all an experience!!! We went to the school for one day and that also was very different. It was an all girls school.
 bye xox

Two things that make me supremely happy in life

1-     Texting relationships with my kids BFF’s. This always puts a HUGE smile on my face when they reach out to me by text or welcome me reaching out them,. Whether that is for planning something logistical that is happening (as often they are better planners than my own kids!) ..Or for just talking about big events in their or my own kids’ lives, or just wishing them a good trip or happy birthday, or sometimes just to say hi and how’s it going. Having that joint person we care about (my kid/their BFF) is so so bonding.

It enriches my life so much. And they often sign off with such sweet things like “thanks for being my 2nd mom” and stuff like that that makes my heart just melt. My life is so much better because of these amazing BFF’s.  The kids are so blessed to have them. As they get older they all mature too and gives me a glimpse of what adult kids would be like. Daughter in laws and son in laws too and how important these relationships will be in my life.

My kids are package deals-they always have been. They come with their families. And watch out as their parents are sure to love you.

If I am not invited to their weddings there will be hell to rise! At this rate I think I may even be paying for their weddingsJ))

2-Helping friends that reach out to me. Helping them through obstacles and things they need a listening ear for. Helping them find a way that makes them happy. Especially when it involves their families and kids. I love helping friends who reach out to me. I feel it is the highest honor privilege as a human being to serve those you love.

I love helping people I love find peace

And when friends help me out it feels like………such a relief and comfort. It makes me feel complete. I have gotten so much better at asking for help in the last two years. Even professionally too I simply ask for help from those who I know respect my work. It is so liberating to just ask for what you need.

Meh-Meh Takes on England !

written last Friday morning so she left Oct 29

Our little girl left last night on a plane to England ! Was such an odd feeling to drop her at airport and say goodbye in line there . So odd to go to bed that night and know she was on a long flight .. Without us!

It was originally  exchange program with the school but then logistics changed and now is a school trip where they live in the boarding school with the British girls in Winchester private school. On the weekends staying in a hotel .

 They will be attending some of the classes with the girls and on most days touring many places in England such as Oxford , London , Bath etc ..

Our girl's attitude toward this can only be described as cool as a cucumber . No stress , no worry , no anxiety . Zero . She is something else .

 Not as much passion and excitement than I would have expected either ! But she is who she is ! she expresses feelings in her own way!

Hope she has a wonderful week. She texted to say she landed safe and sound and slept 2 hrs and watched a movie and was going to tour the city she is staying in .

Feels wierd already without her here !!

 She is missing Halloween too so snuck some treats into her bag .

Have a great week meh-meh!!

Now it is 5 days after she left and what am odd experience for the family to have their little one gone internationally alone ! And had a couple of short texts and today an iMessage conversation but other than that has been radio silence . The other mom I know well said same with her daughter .. And we chose to interpret it as they are having a blast !

I think they are loving the trip and finding a bit of an adjustment to the boarding school/ headmistress part of it as a big culture shock to be sleeping in a strict private boarding school in London !

They are visiting everything in London and surroundings and  their days are filled . I can't even imagine all our bebe is learning and absorbing and aquiring . I am so jealous !

And I can't wait to hold her in my arms . She gave me a cool nice shirt for my bday and I have worn nothing but that for three days now ! And her smelly old comfy socks to remind me of her:)))) .

Sure is quiet around this house ( even though Bear is off for a week and home and I am working at home I am so used to it by now and still feel it's quiet !)

Love you Reneesme / meh meh/ beachy girl !!

The Sounds

I was aware of sounds this weekend. Or lack of them.

When I visited my friend’s home on Friday night and her three kids came to the door happily and excited and like three little puppies. Question after question, story after story for us, show and tell, magic tricks. So much life in the house. So much good noise. So many memories of our home and how it used to be. I used to think that noise annoyed me, the sounds of laughter. I realize in retrospect I loved this part of my life (the benefit and irony of retrospect)

And then the sounds of our home and cottage this weekend. Beauty is in London on her own which is strange in and of itself. We feel her absence –having two kids is very different than having three kids. We feel her gone.

And then the sounds of teenagers. When home so much more silence. The click click of texting, the silence of IPad, using the basement more, interacting less.

Radio Silence.

 And then the sounds of fear. We stayed at the cottage overnight the two of us without the kids as Beauty away and boys Halloween plans and also some work being done here with plumbing. But our night was not peaceful until Chase got home in the city at 2am and called us to say safe at home e (we set our alarm for his time expected home and if the alarm rings before he calls big panic and trouble which has thankfully never happened)

He is safe, responsible, and mature. It has nothing to do with him, but until I get that call my heart races and I panic and can’t think of anything else until he is in that door. Midnight to 2am trust me I don’t sleep soundly...usually not at all. With him driving now and out much later at almost 18 yrs old, this is our new reality. And our new reality is not that relaxing.

I hear the sound of my nagging voice often. More and more for some reason lately. I think in their new ambivalence and inattention that are hardest for me.

I hear the sound of us as a couple. Missing them more, the silence in the house. Still loving each other but missing some major pieces that made up the fabric of our lives. The sound of trying to stay connected and connect in a new way.

The sounds of missing. I  miss when we are all together the ease we always had as a family-we still have it often, but not as often. We have to rely much more on the in between moments. We have to deliberately make those happen more. I miss I miss I miss what I always had and still have but like Hubby and Mom said last night it’s like this trip with Beauty is the beginning of them all flying away from the nest. Or youngest in London? Without us? How did that happen? Finally no more baby talk. It’s gone.

The sound of my thoughts. They have lost some peace. They are searching-searching again. But for what? Having to re-create myself again both personally and professionally. Is there ever stability?

The sounds of the dog that we kept last weekend. The one we debate in our imaginations in our home in the future. The animal to love us, comfort us, make noise. The dog to hold us back, for us to resent, getting in the way of the next stage. I hear the barking and it annoys me. I don’t hear the barking and the silence depresses me.

The sounds of the future. The future scares me. Did we make the right choices? Is this the right cottage? The right ski hill? The right path? Should they have played hockey? Should we have socialized more? The sounds of a mothers’ self-confidence being doubted.

The sounds of loss and broken hearts. Emptiness and sadness. First loves. The breaking of teenage hearts. The sounds the family share. Of betrayal. The lessons of living being taught. But not my us.

The sounds of acceptance and moving to another stage. I had read in a book somewhere that really having teenagers starts  when your youngest becomes one. For us that was felt about 6 months ago. We are there. We have arrived.

I need more sounds. I need to create them. I need to make them mine. Ours. We need to adapt, and adjust and change.

What do the sounds of setting them free sound like?

Do they come back? What does that sound like?