When it is Beautiful

When over a year ago now I made the switch from working in a big company to working for myself from home .. One of my biggest worries was being around when the kids are home from school 

 I know this would be most Mom's  dreams . But it was not mine . At all.

For me work hours are work hours and home hours are home hours . And I treasure both . Massively . Intensely 

I had a hard time believing that I would enjoy mixing the two from 3:30-6:30 which is also a mega productive  and usually busy work time frame for me where I get a lot done .

But you know what ? It works well ! And shocking to me I get to witness some pretty beautiful moments between clients and calls and meetings .

And I really enjoy this part . To the degree that some of my best moments with my kids have been those in between ones .. The very ones that I thought I might resent .

It's just one or two mins here and there that I leave my office or ask them how their day was but its moments I never saw before . I missed that part of their life and it is fun to see little snippets of it now . I actually sometimes look forward to seeing them at this time 

And while on the subject of resentment we can speak about that there is rearwly a moment my kids have their devices in hand ( seems like always ) that I am not resentful . Of this works and what it has become and my part on it .

Well today instead of resenting technology I found it beautiful 

At around 5pm I hear my two boys squealing in delight on the phone together (a rare sound for two teen boys!) and one outside playing basketball and one napping on the couch . And they call each other and have this very intense excited anxious conversation for about 20 mins . I am not focusing on them but on my work so not sure what it is about . Then the one outside comes inside,s and I hear nothing for another 20 mins but silence but know they are together in the living room together 

So curiousity gets the best of me and I go and observe them quietly . And there they are the two of them on their phones . Sweetly videotaping and texting girls about the little baby squirrel outside on our lawn :)) 

They were mesmerized and wanted to ensure they caught every moment on tape and texted immediately all their friends (the girls who would find this adorable of course!) to tell them all about it 

I loved seeing my boys who are getting more muscular and fitter and stronger by the day .. being so touched and intrigued my this  tiny baby animal .

Bear was so scared to come in from playing basketball as he was super scared that the mother squirrel would attack him if  he came near the door where her new baby was . So he called his brother to keep guard and videotape every move of the mother squirrel so he could sneak past her to the back yard 

 Them inside they were completely mesmerized by this little thing and freaking out that a crow landed near it and almost scooped it up and attacked it .

Both of them admitted that they would have cried if the crow had success . Chase lost interest after about 20 mins but Bear kept on watching that baby for well of an hour . Watching it .. Texting about it ... Videotaping it . Protecting it 

Just like his Dad . A protector .I hope our daughter marries a man like this one day .

I have never seen these types of moments fromthe boys . They have probably often been there but I have missed them . I close to focus on something else.

 So although many a time I have resented having to work often from home and most days of the week I resent the time that our kids mindlessly spend on the phone .... I realized today that both getting to have these moments and technology can also be beautiful 

That it is these often small moments that make up a life of wonder and joy and peace . And I am glad I get to be home to be able to witness them even for short moments while at the same time not having to interfere with my work getting done . I can do both . Well and successfully.

Because In the end I realize that life is just a series and string of all of this put together .

And even though today my Bear woke me up to tell me early and sadly that the little squirrel had died and was in our yard .. I still felt grateful that the squirrel had had a day or two to enjoy the world and be protected by his mommy and my sweet son .

The deadlines , the homework , the conference calls , a stop for a bowl of grapes , a little ( or a lot ! ) of nagging here and there, framing pretty picture , having layers of work and life stress ... And mostly watching my two boys admire a baby squirrel .

Does it get better than this ?

I should think not 

Punta Cana Mother- Daughter trip 2016 (and a few other random thoughts)

If it is possible to have just one all time favorite picture of your child-this is mine for sure

And this is my all time fave pic of the two of us (ps she is biting my ear in this picture and we thought the photographer was crazy for suggesting this!!!)

I choose this one to hang in my room...

She chose this one to hang in hers...

This trip  was so beyond my expectations it is very hard to articulate. We got back what we always should have had.




And a sidenote: This morning the expression "Don't let Good be the enemy of Great" kept rolling through my mind. I had visions of coming home last night and before the reality all set in,  relaxing the family of five without a care in the world..I had visions of getting up today and before working posting a blog with all my favorite pics. I had promised myself these things and made space for them.

Instead I came home and spent the evening on the internet doing medical research that was necessary....I fell asleep feeling sad instead of happy.....I got up this morning and struggled for hours on the blog site and my phone to post pics that were not upside down...I posted 6 pics instead of 60.
I looked at my day and am scared (and won't even have time to unpack my toothbrush as have no food in the house)
But you know what? That is life..that is reality.
It belongs to me
And I cherish it all
I cherish and am grateful for every single moment I get to be alive on this beautiful earth

We don't want to go home!!!!!

Do you know what were my favorite moments of this mother - daughter trip where ?

 Absolutely Everything .

And so little had to do with the actual resort ( which was very nice don't get me wrong ) . What made this time magical was being the two of us . Getting along so well and 24/7 together 

Some things to  always remember :

There is a little bed and a big bed in room . She never slept on little one but with me in big one everynight 

How even in her sexy bathing suits and short shorts she still wears these little girl plastic colourful sunglasses that remind me she is 14 yrs old 

Seeing Jackson Avery from greys on the beach and him paying attention to us:))

The way beauty's face would go beet red each time a waiter would joke with her 

Our buggy rides after the show and our totally Drunk buggy driver who was crazy 

The teen talent show . Was so bad it was a comedy !!!

The little kid talent show was sooooo cute !!!

The desserts are phenomenal ( and I am not a dessert  person at all and neither is meh meh )

Closing the blinds at night ( well trying too )

Reading Sarah and Solomon and waiting for something to actually happen 

The messed up blotchy arm spray tan !!!!

All the jokes I played on her :

Beauty there is blood on your bathing suit !!

Let's take a picture in front of this cleaning cart !

Yes your face is dirty !!

Beauty trying and trying  to tan 

The photo shoot with beauty biting my ear and actually choosing that as our fave !!!

Many many outfits 

Beauty's nightmares all about wanting to take off her brace and crying in her sleep :(  not fave moment but very telling for me of what she has had and still endures )

Watching dances , learning dances , hearing songs , learning songs 

Marco Polo and handstands in the pool 

Seaweed and dead fish in ocean and beauty wanting me to carry her in my arms  all the time in the sea

Mommy I am just joking !!!

The beads at the exit to the resto 

The non existent bridge at the pool 

The wobbly tables 

The towel lady asking for our towel card which we were never able to produce and giving a mean look and then smiling 

Frosted coffees and cesear salads !

Nachos veggies and olives at 12:30

The hottest tennis lesson of the century 

Stand up paddle and actually being able to do this on waves 

Circus and catches !!

Hip hop with amazing black guy dancer !

One good chocolate on our pillow

One night

Expensive candies at the boutique 

Me taking pics of pics and getting in lots of trouble at photo shop !!

Our jacuzzi games of flat face and round and round hide and seek 

Realizing my daughter is way shyer than I ever imagined !!! And much more child like than her facade exterior !!!

Her depending on me 

Her being affectionate with me 

Her needing me 

Her letting me nurture her 

Me being able to keep my cool !!!

Not having one fight ( when she tried I just totally ignored her )

Sleepy her and her grumpiness  early morning and late at night ( not pleasant but can be slightly adorable )

The fact that I can count on one hand how many times either of us spoke to anyone else on resort besides staff . We were just together and that totally astonished me 

The fact that I don't seem to care about work at all . Things are changing and getting cancelled left right and centre and I have barely even looked at my agenda . I am in a different space this trip . I am hers .

I am fairly obsessed with meringue desserts with strawberry coulis at this point . Thank goodness I have only discovered these the last few days of the trip .

Buffet jumping 

I also don't know how I will not have an iced coffee daily ( but at least I will fit in now and be a coffee drinker sometimes !!)

Our phot shoot was the best !!! We look so good together 

I love the books I brought 

I like our technology hour on the beach at 5:30-7pm 

Beauty begging me to ask dr Avery for a photo with her on the beach . And then asking me to ask him if he could kindly take both his sunglasses and his shirt off for the pic !!!

Asking me a thousand times a day if her face is dirty

Following me everywhere including chips towels drinks and always wanting to me together 

I like texting my hubby and my bffs back home 

Feeling all week that there was nothing more important than her 

In that moment 

Building the foundation for a lifetime of hope and happiness

Putting love into action 

Being present 

My laser focus was her .

This trip made me realize something very important I had nearly forgotten - which is that she is still her - she is still inside that  cool rough demenor with a gentle heart . Some kids have a tougher time going through the turbulent teen times and she will be one of them . Her weapon of choice is alienating the ones she loves in order to grow up and launch herself . Sabotaging great moments in order to grow up into who she will become independently of her family . Both boys stay Close as teens where she seems to have a strong need to be apart in many ways . 

I had always assumed was harder for girls growing up her were less popular and less confident , but I have realized that the popular girls also have their share of pressure trying to be cool all the time and taking the lead and often feeling responsible for the over all well being of the cliques .It's not easy being a teen girl either way 

Our job as people who love her is to patiently stand by and remind her to come back to us in a loving gentle way . To bring her home 

The voice of an angel is what my daughter needs ( and unfortunately for her my voice is not very angel like !!! )

I  very simply ... Love my little meh meh and punta Cana has been a great place for this affection between us to flow back up to the surface well within our reach 

And for our deliberate hands and heart to grasp on ... And not let go 

I know real life is right around the corner tomorrow and I am well aware of how abruptly the vacation will end faster than I can count . But I feel like she and I got what we wanted and needed here and from each other  ... And that was a simple glimpse  Into what was and what could be and what will be .

And even that glimpse was enough for me to keep on going and to do my very best to have something even remotely resembling a voice of an angel . For her . Because of her . ... I need to Adapt and connect in a very different way 

I need to bring this vacation home with me 

Club Med with Mommy

Hi its mehmeh!
Today is the before last day before we go home:( i really like this resort (club med)! I did lots of things: tennis, hip-hop, circus, trapeze, stand up paddle, lots of eating, tanning and swimming. It is really hot here, it is 28 degrees! My goal was to become very tanned but so far I'm a little tanned and burnt. I never tan i just burn all the time. Its fun with just me and my mom:) the food is really good and my Favourite thing is the steak and the desserts like the penna-cota and the ice cream. The things i dont like at the resort is the wifi because it is very slow and how far everything is from each other.

I like having a week off because it gives me time to sleep in even tho i wake up at 9h30 wich is very early. I love not having to do chores and homework and just taking a break from all of that. Sometimes i wish  my best friend was here because i would be more active by doing more activities and dancing. Im going to bed now bye:)! 

Sympatico

Sympatico 

I wrote my friend who was in punta Cana with her own 14 yr old daughter a few weeks ago and asked how her trip with her daughter was going ? How were they getting on together ?

Sympatico . We are sympatico she said 

And I felt a little envious for sure . And very inspired . " I want that "I said to myself 

And all day yesterday and all day today as I spend a literal 24/7with my beautiful daughter this word has rolled through my mind like a sweet melody 

Sympatico 

Here is where we are sympatico :

Sleep - we both want to go to bed around  11pm and wake up around 9am . She really wants to sleep until 10 am but knows that is a waste of sun 

Food - we both like a lot of the same foods and choose quickly from buffets and we both eat relatively fast . We both love food and every meal we stick right together at the buffet . We like the desserts too 

Coffee - neither of us are coffee drinkers . I am not by choice and beauty is not by age . Until we discovered ..... Iced coffee . Both addicted now ! And to caesar salads with chicken as a snack a couple of times a day 

Being outside : we are both outside people . All day until about7pm . Sit on beach a lot .. Walk a lot .. Eat snacks .. Chill . No rooms and inside activities for us 

Activities : we both like sporty stuff . Besides relaxing . So far circus , sailing , kayak in ocean , walks on beach , Latin dance , Pilates ,. Tomorrow is stand up paddle lesson and golf the next day . Lots more to come . Tennis we will have to scrap as too early morning and way to hot to run on the cement 

Dressing up and pics - we like looking good and we like changing our clothes a lot . We can get ready each in 4 mins from beach to dinner . We tried it today 

Walking - although we love walking we find a 25 mins walk at the end of the day a bit excruciating so

We call a little buggy who drives us around 

Hanging out - we do a lot of it . In sympatico . We are like that riddle " once we are good we are very very good and if we are bad we are horrible "

Reading - I had carefully selected a book for this vacation for me to read aloud each night  to beauty and had quite frankly no clue how this would go . Reading about Sarah and Solomon and the law of attraction is the perfect end to our great days . We both look forward to it ( even if she rolls her eyes and says " are you going to read that dumb book again tonight ? ) I know what she really means-  she loves it 

Being tidy - this may come as a shock to anyone who knows me or sees my suitcase packed but we like a tidy hotel room . So each night before sleep we ensure everything is in perfect order . Beauty is even 10 times tidier than me and more organized ( not hard to beat but still the kid is amazing ) you should see her 4 shelves in the walk in closet here we share !!! We like tidy with no  messy boys 

Genetics - we both keep commenting how beauty has her grandma  genes . She is so pale an delicate skin and as hard as she tries can hardly tan ( and burns even with constant sunscreen . She is tall like my mom and sings all the time like my mom . It's cute when she mentions these things . I think she and Didi also have a dance to uncover that I want to see .In some ways I very kindred spirits and lots of undiscovered similarities that need to be nurtured and accessed 

Chatting : my mom always said and I remember as a kid and teen that when she and I were alone together I would not stop chatting and chatting and chatting . Over the years I could only have hoped for this problem ! Well this week I have it !! ( except for mornings with miss grumpy ) the trick is taking away contact with friends except 2 hrs a day and there you have it . I learn all the cool teen stuff , all new music , here about all girl stuff and who is cool and who is not etc . Chat chat chat !

And what is not in sympatico ? Of course there would be things right ? This is me and beauty we are talking about !! But the answer is nothing to report so far !!! Sympatico all the way . ( except first day here which was not as great and she really was annoying and rude ) .just like her dad and I travel together very well she and I do too !! 

But don't be too fooled . I am practicing a lot of different techniques SK taught me so I am a little emotionally exhausted as it takes self control as this is not the natural me . Beauty made a comment on this trip about me and one of my bffs and said " you are both the teaching type always trying to get a lesson in here and there ! " trust me I am not teaching much this week I am trying to be at my coolest but not sure I can maintain this in real life where there are actual demands and decisions to be made !!!

This week is truly giving me practice at being tolerant and patient and present . Learning to dance differently and almost really learn a new language  with her for real . I honestly think it would be just as hard as learning Chinese 

I have watched so many dances this week ( with her seat smiling face performing / I have reasoned with her a million times not to wear shorts so short that the pockets show from the outside in / I have learned to DAB and I have to learn all weird lyrics to songs . I am her companion as she has not uttered a word to another soul and more have I . We are happy together . I am her playmate and for a teen who usually loves her alone time she is not even content to give me 30 mins a night to text on my own and wants to show me yet another dance and chat and talk some more 

We even had a big sex talk in the hottub with some pretty embarrassing questions about my own life !!!! I was of course happy to answer and share with her as very bonding 

Good night my darling girl ( she is asleep so now I can blog :)

Kinda feels like I lost her for a couple of years and am getting my second chance at winning her back . From simple steps of empathy , patience and ignoring power struggles . Going back to the basics really ... And kinda feels like she is a little kid under that utterly gorgeous female exterior that has been Turing heads and looks more like 23 than 14 yrs old 

But underneath it all she is just a little kid .. Trying to figure it all out . Just like the rest of us 

Her facade this week has been set aside and I am getting a glimpse back into her heart that will hopefully set us on the path back to the lifetime closeness   we both need and deserve 

A piece of my heart will always remember punta Cana . Thank you my protector for suggesting this . 

Namaste

Namaste

I bow to the divine spark in you

This is what this beautiful and commonly used buddhist greeting means.
It spoke to me as i read it today on the beach as i realized that is how i am feeling about my daughter so far on this vacation: i am discovering and appreciating her divine and unique spark as we get deeper and deeper into our trip together

I see it in the way she wants me to carry her like a baby in my arms in the pool, or how she is discovering the beauty and the power of her female beauty; the way she allowed me into her heart and soul when we had a giggle fit over me  trying to close the blinds before bed trying not to leave any cracks, ort he way she scarfs down all the delicious frosted coffees here as if she is even allowed coffee yet. I discover her in the way that she needs me to love her unconditionally and always , even as she self destructs and sabotages great moments and i see her needing me to use all the patience and courage i can muster up in absolute abundance during her coming of age period.

I see her spark as we swing our hips in latin dance and tighten our abs in the outdoor fitness palapa and share a special smile. She cuddles up on the bali bed near the ocean watching our show and i feel like i have won the lottery

I am learning to nuture her in her own divine spark and she is learning to let me . I feel like today i have learnt her dance ... And i have seen  my daughter in her natural and often difficult glory.

There are problems at the hotel. There are  possible sinus infections and sore sore spines. We cant  snuggle in bed last night as i would have wanted to as i forgot she wears a rigid brace so i had to snuggle her knee instead . She brought tears of frustration and hurt to my eyes at the dinner table last night and made me feel sad and angry this morning.
I feel alientation and lonliness often around her that i need to fend off and focus on not letting in to those ever so regular fears and feelings

I have to be tolerant and patient and stop wishing she was more kind
I have to hang on and know that it is fully my job to make it better and fully my responsibility as her parent to stay close eventhough most of the time she does her best to push me away

I am having a hard time focusing on getting any work here or any texts or  sticking  to any excercise schedule . I seem not to care if it poured rain all day or if a big contract got canclled for june .
I lost my favorite book i was in the middle of
Wifi does not work in the room
Who really cares?



I am fully focused on and fascinated by one  thing only : bowing to the divine light that is my daughter. Soaking her in ; being present; understanding her and discovering her in a way that seems inaccessible to me in real life. I feel a fire in my belly and it is she . I feel urgent and powerful and calm and cool and collected as it rains and storms above me.

Bowing to her beauty and her light
Captivated by what could be
Claiming her as mine

Namaste indeed

If your Ship does not Arrive...Swim out to It

"If your ship does not arrive swim out to it"

(wrtten last week)

It was the middle of the night last night and I couldn't sleep . The last few nights for some reason I am tossing and turning 

My usual to- do list was burning on my mind and I tried to go write in the dark so I would not forget a couple of items , but realized that my usual pad of paper and pen were gone . So I pulled out a pack of bobby pins package to find a tiny white space and sifted through a little basket on my vanity table for a pen 

And I came across my little quote book . A colleague at my ex place or work gave it to me. About a year ago I saw it in the kids bathroom hanging near the toilet . I asked the kids about it and my daughter shyly admitted that she reads through it when on the toilet :)

As of that moment, I thought a great idea to randomly refer to it when I need it . I think of a situation or an issue and I close my eyes and randomly flip through the pages to see where my destiny lies on that situation ( and I will admit not very scientific as when I don't like the message I give myself a second chance ! )

 So I had misplaced that little book the last couple of months ( along with my pen and paper apparently ! ) and found it last night in my vanity . And the quote above is what came up ... And it was perfect 

Along with " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things that I can , and the wisdom to know the difference "

I related a lot to the swimming to your boat stuff . Water /power / courage / integrity . Being the masters of our own destiny and knowing what are needs are and finding ways to have them met 

And once we start swimming it is interesting to note what we find there or don't find .

 Life is funny that way isn't it ? Sometimes everything we have been searching for is actually right in front of us . And it takes some searching and swimming to remind us of that fact. Other times we need to be more creative and search and dig  a bit more.

What is key in this is self -awareness. Being aware of, understanding and feeling what is really occurring inside-is really where all the swimming to the ship begins.  Both staying on shore and swimming out both take courage.

A different kind of wonderful

When i became an entrepreneur full time just over a year ago now, i had told myself that if i was successful in my journey that a year later i would take a trip . By myself, on a beach, to a place where i could do a fitness boot camp and do fitness classes half the day and work the other half of the day on the beach . I wanted to write , get all my creative stuff done that i never have enough time to do, and generally have a week away challenging myself both physically and mentally . Very very different than my normal vacations where i do nothing at all and stay completely disconnected !

That being said when i told my husband my plan he was not too thrilled ( although supported me ) and so he came up with the idea that beauty and i go together and time it around a week where she has off school in april . The way beauty has been with me over the last couple of years i was very doubtful she would want to do this with me but when we asked her she was completely thrilled . I was very delighted that she was so excited.

So we leave his monday morning ! Just the two of us for a week!!!

So this trip will be very different now. Part of the reason to have me go alone was money as our trip as a couple ( with one kid) is in june .  Now we are paying two tickets anyways  . Now i wont be working more than 2 hrs a day  there and i don't want to bore her to death. Fitness we will take two classes  a day of sailing or tennis or golf or Zumba or Pilates or circus etc and learn new sports like stand up paddle and take long walks. ... But it will be a lot harder to stay motivated if we are together and more tempting to sleep in and watch movies . I would have been forced to do these sports in order to socialize and meet people if i were there alone.


Beauty is at a stage right now where at least 85 percent of the time as a 14 yr old girl she is a tough time . Keeps to herself, alienates me a lot, has attitude. Teen hood seems to bring out her naturally more reserved calm cool and collected side to extremes! ( combined with a really bad attitude ) i am a little scared to be honest!

Yesterday she and i did have a good laugh though together as i joked she better come up with some good conversations given the fact we will have 21 meals just the two of us to share !  She thought this was funny

Today i put my nervousness aside and started to get really excited . Really excited for the next 7 days. To bask in my daughter and to likely learn to dance a different way with her . For the two of us to learn a different language together and share parts of ourselves that we have not yet explored   If i look at in from that lens it seems like a gift we have both been given and also earned from a lot of the work we have been doing over the last couple of years to understand eachothers  differences and ensure that our long term relationship os not tainted or affected by these turbulent times called adolescence.

In reality i can work anytime . I can sail anytime.  I can golf anytime . I can walk, read and relax anytime. And i can eat 21 meals alone anytime too. Hopefully she and i will be able to share these activities together in a wonderful way, but if we cannot the gift of my daughter for 7 days will be more precious and i have a feeling this trip will take us to a whole new level and will make me grow as her mother in ways i have not stretched myself before. If i can keep myself in this new mindset - i know this may be one of the best weeks of my life deep down inside of me . And the person who can ensure that is not Beauty .. Is is me. I van do anything i want if i put my mind to it, and i want and need this.

I am looking forward to loving and appreciating her a lot in these next 7 days and being loved by her too which my heart is aching to feel.

Stay posted for what is sure to be an interesting week!!!

Taking the time to smell the sweetest of 3 roses

We had the privilege and honour this weekend to host three small guests (age 7/5/3yrs) while their deserving parents got to spend a weekend alone downtown in a hotel.

These are the three yummy kids of Soulkeeper  and M&M  and I have been intimately connected to these three  kids since their births. Over the years I have made sure I keep that contact with the kids by babysitting every few months at their place while mom and dad  go out for dinner ; hosting them at the cottage as a family and generally just keeping up with their lives , report cards , doctor apts and lives 

They call us Auntie and Uncle and our kid’s ,cousins 

In 2016 one of my commitments to myself was to always ensure to put my love Into to Action beyond my own family . And to have these particular surrogate children since mine are getting older now and not as excited by going to Dollarama and for a burger. What better way than to start with the three we already know so well and hold dear in our hearts!

So the weekend away tradition began and as of this  and  from now  on we will have them one weekend a year and then when the youngest is 5 yrs. old we will move into to their place for additionally for another  week and babysit while their mom and dad take a yearly week vacation 

It was my promise to them since forever. And most importantly my promise to myself to this for a girl and guy I love and who have so actively loved our family (much of our conversations back and forth are about all the kids and their lives and well bring etc)

Also to fill in and nuture SK with her kids since she lost her own mom at such a young age (21)

This weekend has been such a delight! So fun! Such incredible amazing kids. So kind and so sweet and they all love each other so much and are so respectful and kind. They are great little guests and little helpers and they have brought so much life and sunshine in our home! I adore the sibling relationships between them-it is so precious to watch. 

(Of course our house is also messy and we are tired and haven't stopped all weekend but it is soooo worth it!)

We went to the dollar store and got one treat and a toy each; we went out to eat hamburgers; looked at seashells I kept from the beach; went to cottage for l8 hrs since Bear had a ski gala; had a Jacuzzi outside with bubbles; had lots of healthy snacks and watched the Lego movie and had tickles before bed 

Then in the morning they got up at 6:50are and entertained themselves until 9am when we got out of bed!!! These kids are miracles! Their parents are heroes in my book and the best sleep trainers ever.

Then we had a girl party in the  Jacuzzi and a big blueberry pancake brunch and leaving soon for part two that involves Beauty who they miss! My three teens are so busy with their own busy social lives now that have only had each for a couple of hours to be with the kids. Has mostly been me and Hubby taking care of them which has been nice as had given us a real chance to know them individually and uniquely in a way we would not if our kids were entertaining them .

Another one of my goals: be present to the people I love. Fully present.

When you take care of other people's kids you realize where you may have gone wrong yourself in retrospect raising your own:

My were way too loud 

My were not kind enough to each other or to us 

Mine had no patience at all (nor did I)

Mine did not have well enough overall manners (or any)

We did not focus enough on toys and games and follow their developmental stages enough

I nagged and often yelled at kids. Soulekeeper never ever uses this method (patience of steel)

(All of the above still hold true today)

You also realize a few things you did really well as parents:

Our kids were great at transitions between activities and structure 

Our kids were very organized and competent at helping around the house very young 

Our kids were scared of nothing and extremely confident in their abilities on basically anything and everything 

Our kids were extremely socially graceful and comfortable in any adult or child social environment

I realize overall that we have been much more focused on performance and getting things done as a family than just.... Loving them... And being loved.

Thanksfully for them and us we know this weakness about ourselves and have tried to  balance it more with tons of family time and fun traditions etc., but to be honest there has not been that much time to stop and smell the roses and I realize that smelling them is lovely for all of us.

We have focused on the present but in the ways we wanted to vs how they may have wanted to. It has produced very capable kids, autonomous, able, performing and thankfully happy too in most ways. And extremely secure but also kids who may have benefitted a whole lot more of their parents have been more present in the own worlds and slowed down a lot more 

I see the difference now. And I am truly not sure which one is better or right or wrong. There is no right or wrong! Just different ways to bring up a family.

I love certain ways I have parented our kids but am disappointed in myself for other ways. Soulkeeper is just such a great mommy-she gets it all done in a calm gentle, often firm manner but so loving and caring and kind. And she is aware of her areas of development too and we both openly discuss both our areas (her being late, time management not responding to texts are minor compared to my own faults!!!!!!! Trust me!!!!  (although would be nice to be able to speak to her and keep up much more often as often feel like she is too busy between visits but it is because she is being present and nuturing so many areas others but just wish I could have more air time by text and phone with this great girl as I need her!!!!!lol!! (and she knows all this as I tell her:))

SK or and I are totally similar and totally different too and that is why we love each other so much and learn so much form each other . Yet  I never realized how much I would learn from her kids!!

I realized yesterday that I can be counted on 100 percent to be on time , not inconvenience others ever , and get packed in as much fun humanly possible into a weekend all planned out sealed and delivered that SK is busy loving in those times the unique people that make up this world . Being present with them, loving them, bring out the best of them, nurturing them on demand (I nurture. It  is on a schedule) I focus on a lot of family and life values too but through a very structured approach. I am not so great at letting it all just happen with love 

We are different and no way is better: Both had benefits and costs. Both are good. A balance of the two would be the ultimate!!!! But we can't have it all right? I don’t believe that..I think we can. I wish I would have done this right the first time.

All I know is that these kids are angels and so so so amazing. I am in awe 

( and ps to be blessed to have  two girls in a row and then a boy it rocks this way )

I wish I had been better at kind thought. I wish I still was. I guess it is not too late?  It's funny as so many around me have described me as  very kind and have and extremely thoughtful, but by my own standards I am not kind enough. Neither are my kids and being around super kind people makes me realize that even more and have regrets about it . I think I need SK couple to keep my kids for a weekend and teach them kind and respectful. Her kids are the sweetest!!!

But then I think to myself: I am kind. I take kids on weekends? I care about my friends and their joys and obstacles ? I write a blog about how much I love my kids and read my friend blogs about how much they love theirs?. I am kind. Maybe I just have to be kind and stop smell the roses? It is so against my natural core though and really has to force myself. But I know it is good 

(I am too tired right now to list all the examples of how great they are but lucky for their Parents we kept a list of all the ways their kids we noticed are incredible and all the cute things they did :))

On the agenda this afternoon is time with Beauty which they are all begging for and then Didi coming over and telling them a story about a goat on a mountain . Then baking a cake for their dad’s early bday dinner and Chase going to get pad Thai ingredients.

This has been an amazing weekend all around and I will do it again and again and again. I realize that little kid family life does not have to end. It can continue on and on through creative ways. These three kids are living proof that is very possible to deeply and profoundly love children who are not your own. I love them with my heart and soul. I think they love us too in that same way (i know they do as they told us all weekend how nice we are and how cool)

We intend to be a big part of their lives forever and help them let us smell the roses a little more. Also teach us and guide us in our own parenting journey where it is never too late to take advantage of second chances 

When SK oand M&M got back we all chatted about the fun weekend and all had a great early bday dinner together complete with homemade pad Thai  that Chases shopped for all the intricate Thai ingredients and a delicious bday cake that Beauty made with the kids . Bear set the table and put in the extension to receive our guests 

As I sat there looking at us all I realized show much I have always wanted this particular type of village in my life . One where we take care of the kids and she rubs my husband’s butt with her elbow ( long story about a sport massage hubby got ) where he gives me a bit of tough love about the state of my Mom’s concussion a we give him advice on his job interviews and salary options . Where we talk freely about wierd naked poses with hairy bums (lots of bums tonight!) and she and I are there for each other in every way completely without judging and with complete understanding and able to share anything and everything. Where we share our little kids and our big ones too and where our little and big worries are expressed. Where calling a friend up to go for a run up the mountain is just ... Another fun thing to do to help a buddy get in shape for Peru. We feel blessed to share our lives at this level and to be there for them and them for us. Nothing is a favour.. It is simply love in action 

(And one huge thing I learnt this weekend with little kids: always take the parents car! That way you can leave their luggage in it and easier  for  and all their little (big) messes get put in their own car! (Especially when you just got  your own new family at one day before!!) And always get Hubby to wipe the smelly poo-poo bums!!