Party Time Here!

Last night I had a houseful of girls here . 6 to be exact and then my two boys . 

There was a dance at the highschool for sec 3 and they all came here to sleep last night 

Bear was at a girl's house so we got him at 12:30am . The girls got home at midnight . Through it all Chase was trying to study (in the living room ! )

All that to say it was a crazy night and Hubby and I went to bed well past 2am and of course work this morning where they all have a day off . We left our door open as we were scared that one of the girls  ( no names !! ) was going to sneak into the boys bedrooms !!

So all of this made me feel ..... Well ... Alive again 

We used to put so much emphasis on our kids social lives and having their friends over and getting to know them ... But for some reason last couple of years have done less and less . Lack of energy ? Motivation ? Scared of teen world ?  Other stuff going on? Self absorbed ? Focusing on other family stuff ? Selfish ? I don't know ... But we went through a bigger dry spell in this as we used to be amazing at it . We still often see their friends but are not "the" place anymore

In the last month I have noticed this deficit and placed intentional focus on it more . I am using our free time to have thier friends over more . During the week - on weekends  at cottage . Prioritizing it all more again . Even next week Chase's new really good friend coming over as I demanded I meet him even thought Chase claims he " is way to old for this "

It's funny how when we focus on some things in life - things change .

It was damn hard and scary having these teens here last night in many ways . Now conversations have shifted from " let's show you a dance ! " to what boy got suspended who had alcohol in his bag at the dance to them all pairing off with boyfriends and talking obsessively about that . To my boys actually having any interest whatsoever in hanging with Beauty's friends . The conversations  , the interests , the topics . Everything has changed and change scares me 

I feel the peer pressure too as we are always way behind the times with our kids . All of these girls are allowed their boyfriends at their cottages and on trips with them ... While I am still thinking I am so generous to allow mine one Valentine's Date .Truly thought was so nice of me and not strict

I am confused where my values lie . What I think is right . And wrong . And what may be right for me might be wrong for my girl ? Or opposite ? I feel the pull of peer pressure - of what my friends think of me and what other parents think of me . What my daughter thinks of me . It's like being a teen all over again myself ! Lol Everyone seems to have a different opinion on this subject!!! and I like them all!

It's a tough and beautiful stage just as every phase with my kids seems to be 

But it felt amazing to have a houseful of their friends just like the old days ( 2 yrs ago and every year before that ) I hugged and hugged those girls and never wanted to let them go . I adore them - I truly do . And they scare me to with their self confidence and assertiveness  and power and beauty . My own daughter glows with friends and is adored . I love seeing that for her. These girls are power houses-I cant wait to see where life takes them all.

And I will never forget after one of the new girls  met me and hubby and chase and bear she turns to me in French y and says " Beaute fatale ta famille !!! " (everyone has fatal beauty in your family)

I love their aliveness . And how alive they make me feel. For the first time in a while I felt like dressing cool today:) 

(And they stills scare me too) 

There is something about raising teens that we feel we come undone oursleves . It's such a challenge . So confusing . Sometimes I have no clue if I am doing it right or wrong . With three of them here two years apart I seem to be dealing with every teen issue under the sun all at once in a rotation . That being said I feel in my element - and alive with happiness and stress and self doubt . I am so much better as a teen mom than I was of young kids . I feel like with each new experience I live with them - I am more capable and we are closer with each disagreement and each rage and problem . It's such a damn hassle but so needed to live this all with them-one frustrating beautiful moment at a time (with chase had a huge houserules talk for 2 hrs too amidst this all!)

I feel in my element 

And scared !!!

Caffeine Laughs

Coffee is a complex thing in our household . I don't drink it . Chase when he started driving ,drinks only ice coffee here and there and the two other kids are too young . Hubby his whole life lived for coffee and has two expensive coffee machines and the best of grinds ; but when he gave up alcohol more than two years ago he also decided to give up caffeinated coffee ( which was a shock to us all )

He now puts de- caffeinated great beans in his machines and lives for that . And sometimes drinks real coffee when at friend's homes or at restaurants or needs a boost to drive late at night .

This has caused major chaos amongst our social network ( even more so than the alcohol if you can believe ! ) nobody can believe we don't drink cofee and coming to our house overnight is a major obstacle  for most!!!

 Many people have asked us if we converted to be Mormon ( other bffs of ours are Mormon and now I have another close colleague who is Mormon and a client who is Mormon so people starting to wonder as I know a lot of Mormons and a lot about them ! ) But nope not -Mormon we swear way too much  and watch too many obscene movies for that plus I think we would need to believe and go to church right ?

So I got empathetic and smart and got some caffeinated coffee in and a cheap machine for these guests. I was proactive and thoughtful right ?

So fast forward two bffs come for a Girls night and day at Trent . We arrive at midnight as long  dinner out and lots of fog . I had emailed them to say " I got coffee for you !! " they were thrilled . They came in door and first thing they did was check out the coffee situation and the machine .

They were not impressed

Let's just say these normally calm polite politically correct sweet woman .. Forgot their usual qualities .

" OMG! WTF is this generic brand of coffee ???? This is horrible ?? How could we drink this ??? This is awful !!!

And I say .. Well look guys there is Nabob coffee too and enough for a glass each ?

 " Nabob ! ?Yuck ! And one glass each ????? That is supposed to get us through the day ? This is a crisis !!"

Well there is a Tim Horton's 5 mins away !

Tim Horton coffee tastes like dishsoap  ! Well maybe that's ok- as better than generic brand !!"

Well look here in back of pantry there is some Dominican Republic expensive grinds !!

" Isn't that two and a half years old from when we went to Punta  Cana !? Coffee has to be fresh !!

Through all of this all three of us are totally cracking up as in cracking up so much all pants were peed . I have known these girls forever and love our closeness honesty and transparency . We have never laughed so hard 

Well maybe only at the resto prior  that evening when they realized I had only milk for their morning coffees and not cream . How dare I ? And depanneurs were closed by then ! How dare they be closed ? So I suggested we take the free creams on the table and ask the waitress for two more. 

Of course knowing they each need 7 for their coffee/!!omg ! Who puts 7 creams in a coffee ????

I am clearly caffeine ignorant !! 

Anyways they went on an on about my coffee  and  I even said I wasn't the one who bought the coffee and was either my mom or hubby and they were in shock . How could any coffee drinker or self loving person buy such crap ? It is just not possible ??? It is impossible actually to buy anything less expensive than van houtte!!

I told them was probably my fault and last few months have been telling my mom when she does errands and groceries for us to save money and buy generic brands of everything . They still held to that it was impossible  that any human being could choose to buy this 

And we laughed and peed our pants some more !!!

I learnt three lessons from this experience :

Always have these kind of friends  in your life where you and they can be totally comfortable and honest at all times without offense ( clearly I have these kinds of friends if I am inviting them back !! )

Never ever become addicted in this way to any substance if you can avoid it . I am so glad we are not and that Hubby  was but was able to give it up . Feels to me like Prison to be so dependant on something and see this craziness come out of these otherwise completely normal women !!!!

 At of course lastly- Never ever buy generic coffee unless you want your friends never to Come back ! Always have an expensive caffeinated non generic  fresh grind on hand for the caffeine addicts !!

And here we thought alcohol was an issue !  Nobody to date seems to give a rat's ass about that one !!!

Love love love these girls and our silly loving comfortable relationship . Our spa day and night was fantastic ( besides the fact that neither of them have caught on that everyone whispers in Nordic baths even though supposed to be silent and who cares if fat old woman stare you down ! ) I may not drink coffee but I do know how to break rules when needed to have some fun!

A beautiful 21 hrs with with a sad ending

Soulkeeper and I at least twice a year and if we are lucky three times a year come up to my cottage late on a weekday night and stay on the next day together . It is oxygen to both of us truly . We even keep lists of things we need to talk about to each other and we check them off one by one .

Soulkeeper ( also know as sage ) is not a big texter . I am not a huge phone person . Both of us adjust and she does text and I do speak on the phone here and there to keep in touch . We do have a lunch here and there .. Do couple stuff .. I babysit her kids with my daughter a number of times per year . But it is these cottage escapes that are the very best . Cream of the crop .

And we always have big stuff happen when we are at Trent . This time was no exception .

We started out with our usual routine . She feeds her kids and picked me up . We stopped in sauveur for a great dinner at Gibby's all appetizers ( hot bread and pickles , amazing salad , sausages and chutney , baked potatoes with all the dressing and delicious apple crumble ) 

While we were at the restaurent I realized I had forgotten my key to Trent !!! I called hubby and he told me that we had a spare key hidden and that to call when I arrived and he would explain where it was complicated .

Well took us hours to arrive as started snowing and blowing snow and no lights on highways .

We chatted and chatted and chatted happily all the way . Until we got to the big big hill at my cottage and realized she does not have a 4 by 4 or a truck ( we are girls after all !!! )

So we got completely stuck on the hill and in a ditch actually after 30 minutes of trying we gave up and took the long haul towards my cottage with bags in hand ( and she has a shoulder issue so I had the heavy load of it )

Well then we arrived and realized of course no key . Well by now midnight . Called hubby and he was asleep and no answer !!!!!! For about 20 mins kept calling and he finally told us the hidden spot . We were so tired went straight to sleep ( in my bed with fleece sheets ) and chatted and chatted in bed the next morning for hours 

Decided could not waste chat time on dumb car so waited hours until had long breakfast and long long jacuzzi . Best decision ever as no time for that crap .

We turned off our phones and email all day and ignored reality 

By 2pm realized we had a car stuck on hill and sage needed to be home by 6pm . Called tow truck ( well hubby did ) and spend lots of time outside dealing with this ( and chatting and chatting in between this rude interruption to our precious hours )

Dealt with car . Sat by fire . Ate delicious lunch I made . And hiked back up hill with all her stuff and said goodbye . I fell asleep on couch waiting for my own family to arrive a few hrs later .

Over those 21 hrs covered almost every topic imaginable in both of our lives and we support , listen , give advice , give some tough love and help each other . So so precious . There is no subject off limits . So liberating .

What a gift to have this time .

The beauty of it all abruptly ended at 8pm when literally we my sweet family walked in the door and I was asking them how they were .. The phone rang :((

It was Sage .. Crying so hard . Her ex husband who was also a precious childhood teen friend of ours very very close to us and with her for 9 yrs .. Had died :(((( 

After she and he broke up years ago he had found love again and remarried and went on to have two children now ages 5 and 3. He was so so precious and wonderful and a beautiful person both inside and out with a kind and caring and gentle soul. We both have loved this boy all our lives it feels like . So hard for sage .. So many emotions 

And now he is gone . Taken by cancer . Leaving his beautiful family behind to grieve him . 

It was a beautiful day and a hellish evening . Sage of course is completely broken . I am broken for her and for the unkindness of the world and unfairness of it all for a boy and then man I Remeber and cared about so much .

I felt scared all night of the unpredictability of life and the fragility of it all . How happiness can be stolen so ruthlessly and so quickly.

And I felt sad .. Very sad . And also grateful for the beautiful day Sage and I got to spend together before the storm hit and the sadness rolled in . Glad for her that she was sheltered for those 21 hrs before what was to come . It was a devastating weekend.

We cannot even begin to comprehend what his families are going through. 

PG 2014

Pg 2014

What a great tradition and occasion. On our second year now and going strong. It's a forever thing and well worth it

Theme of 2014 is “infinite worth”. Sister savvy gritty led a collage activity for this and was super fun. We each made a board to hang of who we are and presented it. Tons of glitter and stickers and scrapbook stuff etc. . Really fun and good conversations for girls around what type of men they should look for one day. We talked about parallels of their Dads (both “coma” men) and what they liked that they could draw on or even do differently.

Friday night salty Copper Penny resto and traditional body wash buying. Addition this year is body wash or lip-gloss :)

Nice suite in hotel and carb filled breakfast. Some heated talks and discussions in the hot tub with Savvy and shows me we both feel comfortable to express our views and feel loved unconditionally. Going into new phases of our lives soon and getting to know each other on even newer levels. Was cool

Food court meal and me and Savvy chatting and girl’s shopping. Body and Bath and goodbyes at train

Champagne and lime mint face masks that give rashes . Chocolates and onesies and university speak.

Concussions and divorces. Recoveries mental and physical. Hearing difficulties and twisted spine conversations. Travel talks and planning the spa Pg. sweet 16 to look forward to one day (might need to be sweet 15 too exciting!!)

Love the traditions and the friendships. One that is already firmly planted over decades and one that is blossoming year to year and so beautiful to watch bloom

All

Committed to

Making Memories

All So Worth It

Left work earlier on Friday and met BFF downtown at her work and headed up to Trent for night. 3 hrs traffic out of city.

So Worth it

Our other  BFF joined us Saturday just for day from 12-8:30pm. We all left our kids and families and chores and housework to be together and laugh, and cry, and share our lives with each other. They made my early birthday special

So Worth it
(these girls are my girls...their kindness and generosity is truly priceless. How could I have not been as much in touch for so many years. Am I crazy???)

It rained a poured all weekend so we did not get the walk through the forest like we wanted to

So Worth it

We sat outside in the cooler windier (but still summer air) and stuffed our faces with brie fondant at a resto. Got a second order that made us too full

So Worth it

Hubby and three kids came up at 9pm at night eventhough it would rain next day…just to spend time together for one day on weekend.

So Worth it.

There was an hour at 10pm when they came..my family….that I thought “this is why they came” this is why this is important “

They ate dinner while I ate my dessert early b-day cupcake ….and then we just talked and talked and laughed and laughed. Our famous Bali bed was cuddled on and I was just so thankful for that time. Then we started a new series as a family “The Good Wife” and we all liked it!! 90 hrs of TV family time ahead!!! Yay!!!

It was all so worth it.

I have it in my mind lately that anytime we can grab the five of us together..we need to. We need to make the effort.

It is so so so so so worth it.

Then the next day it rained and rained and poured and poured. We had lunch and homework and chores. We made spaghetti to last 6 months and stacked wood for the winter.

It was so  worth it.

Then as the evening came to a close-and the weekend ended…we all got wound up and stressed and higher anxiety.I screamed at them. They deserved it. I lost my temper. I ruined it?

We had a bad end to a beautiful weekend.

Somehow right then and last night? It did not all seem so worth it anymoreL

I had a talk with each kid the next night alone. I did not apologize

They lost their technology. I momentarily lost my temper (ok for a few hours and not minutes) I raged .

 But ..It was still all just so worth it. This family. these friends. 2014. the ups and downs

I am high on life. I love it with all its curves and turns.


Life is just  so worth living. Don’t you agree?

 

 

Picturless June

We took not a single picture this month (ok two)

 This whole weekend either

Unusual for both of us. Peaceful too.

I think the lack of picture taking was a reflection of both our last few months..pure exhaustion. Time left in us for pleasure-but pictures too over the top.

Between us since we saw each other last: a major heart attack of one spouse, major major life changes of the other, a daughter with scoliosis, a son with 24 stiches, a sister with scary test results and possible surgery, a mom with a concussion  and life changing symptoms, a sprained ankle, a sopena ,and on and on and on this tragic list goes  (very sad actually )

And that list does not even include any normal life of having a combined 8 kids. The winners of school competitions and awards, the complaining, the great test results and the failed ones, the tween years, the teen years, the chauffeuring, the sports competitions. Life. Normal hectic crazy life not even counted as it is just a fact.

Two women with big careers we are Sister Savvy and I. And big roles of Moms. We balance it all. We try to have it all-and usually succeed. The last few months have been a serious test for both of us.

And this weekend we got together and had a blast. The heavens shined on us with I think our first time of gorgeous hot sunshine. We boated and tubed, and ate and chatted, Fell asleep on the bail bed and at icecream. Watched Dragons Den and ate spaghetti and sugar pie. Lots of fruit and whole wheat bread.

We may not have a picture but we have good memories. My favorite of this weekend was happy hour and the question Josh asked “What quality do you admire most about each person around the table?”. There were a lot of people around the table…it took long..but was so with it.

I loved the adjectives I got and what I heard about others. It lifted my heart  and won’t forget about what all those kids said about me for a good long time-made me feel that whatever I am doing-must be good. I felt as good for everybody as we all praised each other’s individuality. I loved hearing the adjectives everyone got-it was amazing.

Bear was not hereL that was sad for me….hard. He had a regional flag football game in Quebec and coincided with this special event. At least he was with us Friday night at our pool for pizzas and sushi. But I missed him-I think we all did. It was great to have this weekend with our buddies though. It started off the summer in just the right way for me. This family feels like family to us in many ways and on so many levels. We have all been through so much....and felt right to be with each other to celebrate that we are all still here on this earth!!!! They are a very special family to us and we intend to live all our good an bad moments together-that is for sure.

 

The fun continued as Beauty had ped day Monday so I had a second set of friends come up Sunday night and my mom two while they boys all went home. Childhood Wonder and her daughter and Soulkeeper and her two daughters-and my Mom. It was fun to spend time with these little kiddies all under 6 yrs old and to spend some time as adults the night before late into the evening. It made me realize too how exhausting it is to have little kids-sometimes I can’t believe I did this three times!!!

It was a gorgeous and hot day Monday and we swan in the lake a few times-ate a delicious and healthy lunch and lots of jumps and dances on the trampoline. I cheated and took two pictures this time around as could not resist these little cuties but I was very happy to be pictureless most  the times and continue on the tradition. By the end of the day I felt myself happily spent from all our weekend guests and tons of fun. I loved having my childhood friends at my cottage with me with our own children and my mom. It was really really special. I may have been a bit quiet as I find myself lately very introspective after the 6 months I have had–but I soaked all the happiness in nevertheless. These special girls......are my girls forever -and so are their beautiful children.

The fun continued at our annual Sweetheart and Holiday pool party in the city. This year I had not planned it-but Sweetheart happily reminded me it is a summer must-so I listened to her. The whole gang of us with kids is 15 people and did this last week after work from 6:30-9:30 pm and was a great night. It felt like home is the only way I can express it. These are our gang. They always have been and always have been. Through thick and thin-through martinis, magrharitas  and ginger ale and rootbeer. Having three couples together and a bunch of kids who have never missed a single event in 12 yrs. says a lot. A whole lot. It’s actually short of a miracle our commitment to our time spent as friends. We never ever miss a beat. These people love us from the bottom of their hearts. Our kids are as close as cousins.They are not the girls I call daily or weekly  (and sometimes I do but not always!) as with my other BFF's...but they are our gang and we get together without fault at least 6 times a year for big special events as a whole group. There are constant books and shoes that we trade throughout the year hanging at our front doors, notes of encouragements when things are going wrong or right, and Mr sweetheart even loves us enough he s letting us use his boat or a night this week. They are as constant as milk in the fridge..year after year. I never thought I would have a group like this of three couples and all the kids in my life...it is a true true blessing.

I can’t believe I almost did not plan our annual pool party. Because of silly things. I am so happy Sweetheart feels comfortable enough to tell us off. We had the same time we always do: Fun and Carefree. Nothing ever changes that. Our relationship with them is nothing short of a “Friends episode” Truly. We are so blessed. Still not a single picture

Then June finished off with Indian this week with Soulkeeper. Great talks about our loves, our kids, our worries, our joys and our fears. I feel so safe with this girl as she does with me-it is such an unbelievable gift. There is no topic or feeling off limits or that needs to be phrased right, there is no subject I feel I need to talk less about or more about. And the same goes for her. We provide each other guidance, advice the truth, thought love and gentle love. I loved being loved this unconditionally and I love loving someone this unconditionally She truly takes care of my soul. And I knew I needed to meet her this week:

To show her Beauty’s video. Her scoliosis journey so far that was made into a short documentary of sorts. It did not feel real until I knew she watched it.

We sent it out a week earlier to many of our friends and families and the responses were all so heartwarming-we have honestly never felt so loved in our lives. It’s amazing the reaction such a short clip can provoke in people. I saved all of these beautiful responses. But I did not send it to SoulKeeper because I wanted to show her at lunch.

So after the resto we went to my minivan and pressed play. And it was silent…and silent as she watched. And for some reason even though I have not cried watching it the other 25 times I saw it-I cried this time. With her. Behind my sunglasses. At the end she cried and cried and cried. I was not sure if it was from sadness or happiness-but it was for me and from her heart. And we talked and cried about it. Mostly because she shares my life with me in so many ways and I share hers. She saw the strength and the pain, and the courage that this ordeal is..and how as much as I try to keep it under wraps..it is there. There is just nothing like having no control over what is happening to your child. I am not even sure there are adequate words to describe it. It is a heavy feeling that never leaves us. It is hard to watch your child have to struggle in this way and I am not sure I will ever get used to watching.

She got me.

Like always.

She made space for me.

Like always

And that is how I will remember June 2014. A month of beautiful friendships. Blessed we are to have all these good people in our lives. June 2014 has been a hard one for me too-but I am happy that I spent this tie with all our friends. Accepting us for where we are at. Patiently waiting for as long as it takes.

Through good times and bad

With our without pictures.

Found My Flow

 

 

Today and tonight I feel completely and utterly blessed to be living the life I am living. And it has been a while that I have not felt this, so it is a warm and comforting feeling. I am welcoming it back with open arms.

And it was a tough and rough day like so many over the last months. We had our third major hospital visit for Beauty and it was overwhelming with information, talk about braces and efficacy, changing our minds and going for a hard core nighttime brace for bed and spinencor in the day, discussing potential surgeries in case she progresses. It was hard. And scary.

But I felt my “flow “come back. I felt ME come back. I was what I call “being in my flow” with it..organized..smart..educated…articulate..clear ..Concise in all of my questions and comments. Welcome back Flow..I have missed you for months now. Aww….

The nurse even asked me after if I was a doctor!!!

I left there less scared than I usually am. I only cried once in the office for 5 mins and was able to gain control over myself. I was able to discuss surgery without losing it completely and hyperventilating. I was mainly calm cool and collected. I actually had adrenaline pumping through my body…almost in positive away hearing about the Tethering cutting edge surgery that will revolutionize scoliosis one day. It is in its infancy stages but will someday allow patient’s spines to remain tethered vs fused and more flexible.

I appreciated the hunger in the young surgeons eyes as he discussed this new surgery. His aggressivity and passion impressed me. His bedside manner did not. He to me is a true surgeon. Cool, calculated. Direct. Passionate , Hungry, committed.

 

And tonight might be one of the most beautiful nights of my life so far. It is my daughter’s “We have your Back” party that I organized for the 10 girls.

I did this???

This is so so  beautiful. I can’t believe I am getting to experience this.

If Beauty did not have a curved spine I would not have organised this..I would not get to be part of this…these girls would not be talking about this stuff…

I would not have gotten to see them all with tears in their eyes when Beauty explained what it felt like at the “bracing moment” (the moment a girl gets a brace on and knows this is her new home for her body for three years..)

I would not have seen them put the brace on my daughter with such care-all huddled around her protecting and nurturing her

I would not have seen them fight for which three got to try on the brace and dance with it (or try too!)

I would not have heard their answers to my questions “How do you feel as her friends though this? How do you think Beauty feels? How do you think I as a parent feel? I loved all their beautiful thoughtful and honest answers.

I would not have gotten to see them play on the piano and sing all together in perfect unison.

I would not have seen dance after dance after dance. Their graceful lovely bodies swaying to the beats

I got to see the group hug the gave Didi after story time.

Or the way they all promised me that they would support my daughter no matter what.

I would not have seen the tears slide down the cheek when one girl got nervous trying on the brace and her telling me she loved me afterwards for giving her this experience to “try something hard”

 

Or when one of the girls after me giving a speech on how we should never hide what is different about us but show it off with pride to the world..admitting candidly to the group that she has ADHD and on medication and wanted now all her friends to know.

I got to see my daughter in her perfect splendor. At her very best and most vulnerable. I got to see how she is seen through their eyes

I got to see the impact I had on these girls. The impact my daughter has on them. I got to see them all change before me and record this night in their minds forever. I am not sure they have ever heard such honesty form an adult..i told it like it is. No sugar coating.

I got to teach them and coach them and preach to the to be proud of their bodies and differences and souls. I think I impacted their lives in a big big way tonight.

I felt the vibe of making a difference. For me..for them..for Beauty.

I saw them give her a totally unexpected and beautiful gi with the most beautiful card ever.

This. This evening. These moments..are what I live for. What we should all live for and strive for.

Not for perfection. Or perfect health. Or a perfectly straight spine.

THIS. HERE. NOW. THIS moment that I almost didn’t get to have. That she almost didn’t get too have.

That I almost wished away. For her..for me

 

I am welcoming life back into my heart. I am taking it all. Each beautiful precious wonderful thrilling scary moment of this journey that was given to us as a gift that we can unwrap one lovely moment at a time…if we can find it in our strength to do it.

And this journey that was given to us to live? We are going to make sure to live it to its fullest . Of that  I am  now sure.We are ready to take this on now and make it more beautiful than anyone could ever expect. We are going to move mountains this girl of mine and me. Together. Who would have known?

And “Embrace” it every beautiful and painful and heartbreaking step of the way. And take every moment of  lovely out of it until we have sucked that lovely dry. Crisis has a way of taking the lazy out of life. Has a way of waking us up pretty quickly out of complacency.

“When Man Plans-God Laughs”

,..and that is why we need to take the unexpected “curves” and twists of life and not only resist them but embrace them. Life never makes us any promises-we just pretend when things are going “well” that it is meant to stay that way. Especially for us. Bas things happen to other people right?

Trust me…it doesn’t  stay that way. Each day is different. And unique. Deal the hands you are dealt

With as much fucking grace as possible.

Only then..will you find your way back to joy and joy will find it’s way back to you.

Welcome back Tarina. Welcome back Me.

Let it all flow through me again.

All the Moments (so far as still have 3 days!!!)

 

 

Best Moments

 

1-(by far)- Soulkeeper getting on the plane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

2-The hotel sooooo much more luxurious and amazing than my expectations. Far far surpasses what I was thinking

3-the Jacuzzi on our balcony fits two (in bathing suits of course!)

4-the food is totally delicious and neither of us (since her airplane ride) has had even a minor tummy ache

5-The weather has been literally perfect

6-I have slept so perfectly (minus one night that the air conditioner went crazy for a few hours and made loud banging noises)

7-I ventured out and got a little news from home yesterday and my daughter seems to be adjusting well to her brace

8-Soulkeeper crying at airport for leaving her little kids for first time and 2 days after saying best week of her life and that she would easily stay 10 days if we couldJ)) I knew she would love this!!!

9-Our rose petal bath that our butler prepared on the balcony for us. I guess he thought we were lesbians!!! We went in it anyways of course and thought it has a lot less pressure than taking a bath with our husbandsJ

10-The spa!! Totally amazing like paradise….

 

 

Funniest moments (so far)

 

1-Soulkeeper giving our money and gifts to the wrong vendor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

2-Every black guy on the island telling Soulkeeper she has the most beautiful lips

 

3-Every black guy on the island telling her he wants a picture with her

 

4(the black guys saying I look like Jennifer Aniston!) Yahoo!

5-We pretending we have any interest in the disco that starts at midnight just to pretend we are totally young

6- Us getting lost here every which way we turn continuously

7-Me telling Efrain our butler NEVER to call and wake us up again. EVER!

8-when Soulkeeper “was a real heel” and asked her Hubby on Facetime how Beauty was (he and my hubby had lunch that day). And I cried bc I didn’t want any news from home as was too scared. When her Hubby said “was a bit of drama with Beauty” I cried and cried and cried and Soulkeeper went out and called my Hubby to make sure all was ok and report back to me.

 

9- We both joke often that if my Mom was here we would have a serious sleeping dilemma as beds are way  too small for two people! And she sleeps totally naked every night. I don’t want to have to spoon my naked friend !!! Ewwww!!!

10-The flipping phone is bathroom that falls off hook every time we pee. And the clock that has no concept of keeping time.

 

11-No clock in room.  Iphones locked away in vault and no watch certainly make for a very free trip with no schedule!!

 

 

What we miss from home

 

1-My MommyL(( She should have been here with us as planned. SO many moments we go through the day and say..if she was here then….or she would have loved this…We both wish she were here with usL((((

 

2-We miss our kids and families. We are although both so happy however to have their Daddy’s take care of them. So good for us and so good for them.

 

3-Absolutely nothing else

 

Ways we are soooo similar when travelling

 

1-Total same rhythm for sleep, rest, sun, shade, food and fun

2- We both love sleeping in on vacation and not having to wake up at any time in particular. Most days have been 10 am surprisingly!

3-We both despise the use of IPhone on vacaction and can’t even stand to pick ours up to take picture even! (We enjoyed a really nice night though last night of room service and computers and iPhone all evening and that was great but we are happy to get back to being in the present)

4-We both love wearing no makeup and having greasy hair

5-We both only take about 7 minutes total to get ready for dinner

6-we both like shade way better than sun except for when in water

7-We both never run out of things to say to each other (on vacation or anywhere else for that matter) and we both always tell the truth

 

 

Ways we are sooo different on vacation

1-She loves talking to all strangers and locals on the trip and I am thrilled not to utter a word unless really in the mood and I really, really  like the person

 

2-Soulkeeper loves hearing about other people’s kids and I am very happy to not talk about their kids all week! (only hers and mine all day long)

3-Soulkeeper likes going to the going to the gym. I don’t on vacation. Even at home…do it but can’t say I like it. She adores it.

4-I read every single moment I can steal. I read and read and read. Soulkeeper likes reading but doesn’t read much on vacation

5-She went on an excursion at 8am today for the whole day on and non-air-conditioned jeep in the jungles and mountains to see the locals and the schools and the caves and see the locals dance and sing. I am going at 11:30am on a Dr Fish Spa Boat where you get 7 spa treatments and fish in the ocean eat the skin off your feet to make them soft.

 

6-She will speak to everybody on her excursion today. My plan is to speak to nobody. Bliss for us both.

 

7-She has all natural organic products. I have whatever I can find and works most efficiently and quickly

 

8-She forgets her beach bag, purse, waterproof sunscreen and t-shirt in Canada and I even have a sewing kit packed just in case (which we used BTW!) and have two beach bags in case she forgot hers (she did)

 

9-Her vacation vibe is friendly, interested and keen. Mine is please leave me alone so I can read as much as possible (except for talking to her and a little our butler)

 

PS:In Europe I am totally different and love the exploration and locals and culture and people. Not at the beach-I hibernate completely.

 

Things to still look forward to:

 

1-Our individual  excursions today

2-Casino tonight and my lucky streak

3-Our photo shoot at 10am on the beach. First hair and makeup of the week

4-Our second bargained spa bali bed and hydro circuit relaxation that we bargained for Sunday night for free

5-Everything in between all of that

 

Things we will never forget from this vacation

1-the precious time we had the strength to carve out for ourselves

2-The way that I think she has cured me (I think-no promises). I think I will go back in a different state and mindset. Hopefully forever?

3-The way she has led me back to my beautiful daughter

4-The way we have both come to realize that we are way better mommies when we forget our kids sometimes completely.It is a must.

5-the way we know technology is both a blessing and a curse and have decide to control the curse part more effectively

6-The way we know for sure that we could never live without each other..or never tell the complete truth to eachother..or never lie to eachother..or never hold something back from eachother. This is real all the way and always will be. Soft love..tough love..real love. This girl above all has reserved most of her kind spirit for….me..even more than the locals. I will love her endlessly for this perfect gift

7-The way that both of us can be exactly who we are and still be unconditionally loved by eachother

8-The way that we made time for this important trip and milestone in our lives despite every single factor and obstacle in the world almost preventing us to come here

9-the way she got on the plane eventhough it was almost impossible to do so while barging and green. She did it for me. She did it for her.

 

We are both smart enough to know….we need this week.

 

Onto the last three days!!!!! No don’t end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

=The Cherry on the Cake

 

Right now I am on Bavero Beach in Dominican Republic with one of my dearest BFF’s: SoulKeeper. We are at an AMAZING hotel and having and AMAZING time.

  I have honestly never felt like I both needed to deserved a vacation more than this week.

But the sad thing is we almost did not come here.

Sunday night I am happily packing (ok ok maybe not happily if you know how I feel about packing!) and I go to sleep..Soulkeeper and I text promising to see here at my place at 6:45 am where my Protector would drive us to the airport.

I sleep soundly dreaming of the week ahead. My true salvation.

And then the phone rings at 5:50am. And I am still, asleep. And as I answer it and wake up on the phone I realize I severely want to hang up on the nasty human on the other end telling me unbelievable and horrible things.

It is Soul keeper’s husband (another one of my closest BFF’s) telling me 45 mins before we are to depart to the airport that my BFF (his wife) has GASTRO!!!! And has been throwing up all night and is currently hugging the toilet.

And as much as I want to be reasonable and kind and considerate and understanding all I can possibly think of to say is “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING!!!!!” DON’T TELL ME THIS..DONT TELL ME THIS..SHE IS COMING ON THE TRIP..DONT TELL ME THIS ..SO DONT TELL ME THIS . NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An then I add “What did you want me to do –she has to be here is 45 mins to get our plane??? And he says” she thought you might be able to provide some guidance as so what she should do and what is the best thing”.

And in my head I am screaming: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO-PACK A CHANGE OF CLOTHERS IN HER BAG-MAKE SURE SHE HAS SOME EXTRA UNDERWAER AND A PASSPORT-PROVIDE A BUNCH OF BARF PACKS AND BLOODY DRUG HER WITH GRAVOL AND SEND HER TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(and ps I think I said all this out loud to him too) Thank god he loves me:)

 

Then he told me they would make the decision and call me back in 5 mins.

And then I started crying and screaming and wailing from the bottom of my heart. My kids were all asleep and my husband was on the toilet and I begged him to get off and come and absorb this shock with me. And he did. And I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

And then decided that if she was not going them I would go alone. I would get ready in 35 mins and go to Dominican Republic alone. A trip I had planned for two years for my mom and BFF and paid for almost all of it out of my Dad’s inheritance. And now my Mom had cancelled and my BFF was pucking her brains out. I would be in DR alone and by tomorrow she would feel like a peach. OMFG!!!!

 

So he called back and I was silent. I was too scared to speak. Too scared to hear. He later told me I was crying and Soulkeeper was crying. Two crying woman at 6:01am. And he told me that she was getting on the plane and that there was no way she could drive to our house as planned. And no way could he drive her as she has three young kids stull sleeping. So I pulled my husband off the toilet (once again) and told him to get out of the house and go pick up miss barfly. And he did. Without  coffee.

And when she arrived at our place she was A COMPLETE MESS. No speaking …any energy…no nothing. I was shaking and popped some major anti-anxiety meds reserved for such occasions and took her to Dominican Republic with me. Where she belonged. With me. Saving me Laughing with me. Being with me.

And so lots happened between that airport and here (mainly a lot of sleeping and green face) and now we are here.

And it is paradise here truly……we are having so much fun. We are both anti iPhone on vacation. And anti clocks.We both sleep in until 10 am for two mornings now….we never run out of things to say and we are on the exactly same schedule and rhythm. We soak in the shade (vs the sun) we eat all the same things…I watch her “attempt” to drink…she is kind and then she is the devil..she makes me laight ..she made me cry (and then she fixed it!!) She lights up my life like no star in the sky ever could.

And I miss my Mommy so much who could not come. I look at this place in paradise and know we have to come back together one day. But I know her decisions were for the best. It’s way too hot here for her if she is not well. I can barely walk from one end of this MASSIVE hotel to another without passing out!!!!

 

Soulkeeper and I have decided that a girls trip like this is a necessity for womankind. Sure for her leaving three young kids was heartbreaking but she got over it mighty quickly. as it is a totally worth it sacrifice!!!! She will be a hundred times the mommy she needs to be when she gets home-batteries recharged-new perspectives, realized, revitalized. This need to be prescribed to any Mom. Mandatory!!!

The cherry on top is that despite all the bad things that have happened to me and my family over the last 4 months-this one..that almost turned out bad….is really, really really, really good. It’s truly exactly what need this week to recharge my batteries and clear my head. And hey it totally helps to have a full time social worker, art therapist, private counsellor taking on my case! For free and with love! Watch out world when I return…I will be ready to take you all on.

If anyone in this world is reeling really really blue…go away to a beautiful place with Soulkeeper for a week. She will truly make it all better (if she is not late or cancel that is!) If she gets there…she is yours forever. She will get me PEACE back. Yay.

Thank you world for letting one good thing happen to me lately.