Food Fest

I am not really an emotional eater in general. I don’t use food when sad and angry (or so I thought!)

Well this past weekend I was. I was anxious and a bit in shock and I ate my way through the weekend. Not in quantity at all or binge eating but in a diversity sense. I ate a lot of things that I usually don’t eat in many various forms and often. Sitting and watching a fave show and munching on chocolate covered blueberries and cherries, then for the second half of the show a big bowl of Caramel popcorn. Some sour cream and onion rippled chips with my sandwich at lunch, and both cupcakes and some more caramel popcorn for dessert. Meals were generous too-why not have for lunch some leftover beef stroganoff over noodles and also a Cesar chicken wrap? Non diet soft drinks with dinner and a nice piece of toasted homemade right bread in the morning with lots of butter.

I never eat like this. Expect on vacation-and even then it is slightly more controlled. This was super super indulgent and decadent.

And man oh man did it feel amazing! I seriously loved every moment. It was so damn comforting! No wonder people use food to fend off their emotions. I kind of felt numbed all weekend and that was wonderful.

I have to say I deserved it too (we deserved it but hubby eats like this 24/7 ). I mean a daughter in a car accident on Thursday with no one hurt but a bit of a shock….big work news Thursday afternoon….Hubby falling unconscious and ambulance Friday morning and appearing in court on Friday.

I think a few chocolate almonds were in order don’t you?

I think this food fest was also a little reaction n to the fact that for two weeks proper I was soooooo carfeul with what I was eating in the goal of losing two lbs..and instead I gained a pound! I think my lost 11 pounds might be it for me-I seemed to have plateaued. Never say never- but it feels like to lose more than 11 will be a lot harder which I doubt I am prepared to do.

Lo and behold this week I step on the scale two days after that food fest and I have lost that l pound I had gained. Miraculaous! Weird! I don’t questions the miracles of the universe I just accept them!

And what is even more interesting is that eating like that (which I have not done for months and months have awakened a hunger in me for food. I rarely go out for lunch and this week have even less time to do so but I am firing invites off to people saying want to meet at Basha? Sahib? For souvlaki and fries? (They all say no as busy at work and so am I so I just eat a stir fry-but still the thought was there.

I feel awakened again to food. This can’t last as we all know that this formula however effective it was for this week in my weight management goals is not sustainable in the long term. But it comforted me to no end to know that I could comfort myself with food for three days and still get back on track. It’s a place I will visit again for certain.

Supply and Demand

We have been trying to rack our brains lately trying to figure out what is exactly out of whack? What happened to our lives and schedules? Where did our lives go exactly?

Skiing schedule is the answer. Second answer is teenager social lives.

I am so very happy that we did not get sucked into this many years ago. Or hockey for that matter or soccer. I am very thankful for our choices. Someone the other day asked me why we pay for the school we do for our three kids and the biggest reason amongst many is probably the schedule. The sports are part of the curriculumn-engrained in the day and right after school. It allows them to do just as many dance and sports as anyone else (probably much more) but at the same times allows our family to have a life. Nobody misses out. Weekends were always sports too but limited.

Up until now it has been a winning formula.

Then came having a teen with a job, an almost licence and another one in full on U-14 competitions at 100 percent. All of them getting active social loves at cottage. Recipe of disaster.

And part of it is fun of course! And amazing to watch them grow and change and bloom and be passionate about what they do…love so many parts of it. But what are we missing out on?

Too much. Family time. Relaxed time together. Moments when one of more are exhausted and irritated and falling asleep on the couch from the weight of the routine. We are missing the liberty of seeing friends on special occasions, and seeing extended family. Planning anything spontaeounous or even keeping to the traditions that are so heavily established and engrained over the years with the ones we love. When we look back at pictures of wonderful moments it is not the ones of the kayak competitons and ski races that we frame. It is the moments of parties, and get- togethers and of occasions and vacations. Now the sports are erasing those-there are hardly any pics.

In my opinion….doing this for years and years and childhood and adolescence is not worth it. Unless your kid is going to the Olympics…..what a circus. I am glad to have experienced both so I know what I really think. To be able to see both sides of it all.  And to be fair one part we have not embraced  the hoopla and social life that goes with it-our friends are not at the ski hill. Competing demands. We have not integrated fully. We resist. We don’t want to be the ski moms, or soccer parents, or hockey widows. We don’t relate to it.

For me there is just so much more than this schedule and quite frankly with this schedule there is nothing else possible unless you have one parent fully devoted at home.  We are succumbing and doing it-but I am glad we have fended it of for many yrs. I am glad we have protected our family time from the outside world and made beautiful moments in between. I am glad we have said no to parties at the cottage on Saturday nights and early morning practices at 6:30am. Our family was much stronger before this winter-the schedules have damaged us and taken over.And it is far from over –there are many more years left of this.

The supply is less than the demand these days and we are running out of fuel. I believe in lots of fuel and having more than less in case of emergencies. Our demand these days far outweighs our supply.

There is something magical about winters at the cottage and has still felt some of that magic this winter for sure but on most weekends the magic is not there anymore. There is no time to feel it. No time to call that friend in need, or read that beautiful book. No time to have friends up or visit friends. No time to think or sleep or feel. Part of it has been beautiful and part of it has been hard.

One more month of this and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. That is how little time I have to not even know how I feel?

I am glad for this experience and I am am glad for all the years before we chose differently.

When my kids look back on life I want them to have more in it to remember than their passion for skiing. It’s part of their lives but their schedules make it all of our lives.

I want More. More Life, Please!

Playing it Back

There are a few incidents that happened over the last couple of days that I cannot get the images out of my mind. I replay them and replay them even though I don’t want to. I imagine what would have been? Or what could have happened?

And thank the universe that it was on our side. Thank-you

We had not slept in past 6:30am for about 21 days straight and chose Thursday to do so unitil 7:30am (wow what a treat eh such a sleep in!) Kids called friends and got lifts.

Phone rings at 7:33am and Beauty has been in a car accident L((((Nobody was hurt at all thank God!!!!!!  The friend’s Dad hit black ice and car turned partially on its side and all airbags back and front deployed. It could have been really bad. But it wasn’t. It left three girls very shaken up and the Dad extremely shaken up. He called later in tears……saying sorry. We never for a moment thought to blame him-it could have happened to any of us. We are just so so so happy the people in the car are perfectly ok. The car is finished but no one cares. The girls got s lift to school from an onlooker. The Mom of one of the girls (wife of the driver)went to school and took the girls out of class and took them for juice and snacks…Hubby had a lunch date with Beauty so she could speak about it and he could hold her. We were all so grateful. It was a hard day and I kept repeating over and over in my mind what could have happened.

That day at work-a bunch of things happened that normally would have really disturbed me and made me anxious. I won’t even be silly enough to think they belong anywhere near this particular post right now. But I was confused and needed some tender loving care. Hubby stayed up good hours into the evening talking with me. We went to bed.

I remember thinking before I fell asleep just how much I loved him.

I had a good sleep but at 5:00am my mind started spinning again about Beauty’s accident and about work –I could not get back to sleep. At 5:50am Hubby beside me gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. Something about the way he pulled of the comforter so abruptly confused me. He stood up and immediately fell from standing to on his back unconscious on the floor. I have never heard a bigger bang.

Even as I write this I want to shut my eyes and scream. Those few moments were traumatic  and I can never forget them. I rushed over to him and realized he was unconscious and he looked almost in pain…he would not respond. I was 100 percent sure he was having a heart attack or had a brain tumor….I was screaming and screaming so loud and shaking him so hard and he would not wake up.

The moment I remember most is not the shock of it all and not the action part and the ambulance coming. It was the approx. 10 seconds in between shock and action that I replay over and over in my head. When I was screaming and looking down at him and realizing this is probably it. I won’t be loved by this guy anymore and neither will the kids…we need him. We won’t be given the chance to love him in our lives anymore

My mind turned to action and I called 911 and was hyperventilating on the phone and could barely get our address. Somewhere during that call he woke up. Somewhere during it all the kids were all in our room. I have no idea when they came in, if they saw their father naked and unconscious on the floor if they saw it all….it’s all a blur. Suddenly Hubby was saying to me-no it’s ok no ambulance. I can’t go to the hospital –we need to be in court today and I have to prepare the file

Hit head had a big bump and blood was coming out of it. We got him in bed and he was fully alert. The ambulance showed up 25 mins later and stayed for 45 mins running EKGs, tests, blood sugar, vital signs, blood pressure. All normal. A mystery. He was back and back to us. Life would not change. This time we were give the lucky cards.

We were in shock over it. The kids arranged for other parents to take them to school, we lingered in bed in shock, we got up and Hubby prepared the file. We both showed up in court after mornings at work and hard meetings, we won our water infiltration case at half the amount we claimed. We went out for lunch and went to buy the boys some socks and Beauty some underwear.

The day went on but too much happened to ever really forget. Beauty was in a car accident. I thought my husband was going to die. We arrived at the cottage at midnight last night and volunteered at the mountain as of 7:45 am. Life continues. But the images stay in my mind and in my heart.

Especially of my husband. I have never loved him more than when he came back to us. To me..To comfort me and take care of me when the phone rings and our daughter is scared. To shares my work decisions. To live this life together that we have crafted and created and nurtured and designed.

I feel luckier today than I have in a long time.

2014 almost killed us. 2015 has blessed us so far.what could have happened in our family this week..did not.

Thank-you

The Green Eyed Monster

 

In following some blogs over the last few months-boy are people jealous of other people! Especially those with money, time off, ability to travel and who speak about it very indiscreetly on their blogs!

Green green.

 

A few comments:

 

It is sad to see people so jealous that in turn can make them mean

I really respect when someone admits they are jealous

 

I think many blogs bring out the worst in people in lots of ways. Especially very rosey colored blogs can do that even more

 

I have seen in my own network over the last couple of years the difference between people who are  genuinly happy for me for certain things  and people who appear envious for certain things. It is always a hard feeling to handle. And it feels yucky when people you care about and close to you don't share in your good fortunes or happiness  that come along every once in a while

Jealously in my view is much more about the other person and how they feel about themselves than about yourself and anything your are doing wrong

 

I think when you have alot of money (or your family does) and this is known on the internet-you need to be careful how you expose it and be gentle in its telling. When showing pictures of mansions and pools the size of most waterparks in Florida I think you need to be less naïve and expect readers will react. If you put it out there....expect various reactions. Handle them with grace

I think people who are angry and jealous should stop reading certain blogs!

 

Jealousy is an awful feeling to feel (I have felt it many a time) and an awful feeling to have put on you (as really brings out the worst sides of otherwise caring and loving people)

 

If you are jealous-feel it..reflect on why...be nice..be kind..strive to do or get more of what that other person has-. and get over yourself! very likley that other person has worked harder, made better decisons, reached for the stars harder, made their dreams come true and you should learn from them and not envy them in a mean way!

 

Not called the green eyed monster for nothing!!!

Passing the Baton

I never realized before now that raising teens is a little bit like passing over your own baton. You give them you. Your time. Your wants. Your needs. Your dreams. They start where you left off in so many ways.

I noticed it so much when today as I drove to Cottage with Beauty and her BFF and heard them giggling and giggling in the backseat. So carefree. Nothing to worry about: no Mortgage.. No marriage. No kids. Biggest problem of the day is whether to straighten or curl their hair

I envy them. I would love to be carefree again.  Giggling with a  BFF. I got close to that feeling when Soulkeeper and I went away for a week last year or when she comes here at the cottage twice a year and we turn off our phones completely and shut ourselves out to the outside world. We know if we let that world in even for a moment we will lose that feeling of freedom ... Which is so rare to have as two moms with careers and six kids between us. Shutting it out and down is the only way. I love how for both of us this is a natural instinct to treasure and cherish the rare times we have together-those days twice a year are priceless.

I wanted so badly to Go away a week alone this winter. To a far off place on a beach with a pile of books and maybe even a glass of champagne to get my head a little dizzy. . I had a dream. A crazy dream. That dream was unrealistic and a little silly. It didn't happen. And that was probably good. Or maybe not? Maybe if would have been wonderful. No money and no time made my decision for me.

Instead I decided to take a day at the cottage on a Monday. On a day I usually work for myself and am a busy mom. On a day where I work from 6am until often midnight. A day for me. Me only .To read by the fire . In my pjs.

And then my daughter asked to share that day with me because her and her BFF were off of school . To ski ( which they are both obsessed with and can't ever get enough of) And so I say yes. I pack the bags and empty the car . Be the chauffeur to and from the ski mountain . Share my fire and my couch . Trade reading in for Gossip Girl . Watch a horror movie . Go out in the cold For Pizza . Cuddle with my daughter as Jessabelle gets murdered in the movie and plan our escape for the cottage if a murder presents themselves at our remote door.

I text my buddies and talk to my Mom. I do a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything. I fall asleep and set and alarm For 15 minutes later to go get the girls when I feel that I could have slept for hours

And I realize that this is exactly how I want to spend my day. There is no where I want to be more. Being alone is amazing but being with two teen girls is even better.

It's passing the baton from me to Her. With her . Letting her in. The year of Her . Hopefully the year for us . It's letting her needs take over my needs when she needs me most. Probably when I need her most too. Getting the guard down .

It's finding my flow one step at a time. Letting her be part of my flow . Praying she will want to be. Hoping it's not too late.

Is it ever?

With a teen this age... Especially a girl teen- it's not so much of passing the baton but trying to hold onto it together. Finding that rhythm that is right for both of you as she enters womanhood and you give up wishing your were a girl.

It's meeting each other right in the middle and what better way than on a day that was supposed to be yours and she wanted to make ours to begin?

If in have to choose two focuses only to flow - she has one spot. And I started giving her that apt today on my day off that replaced my week at the beach. If felt best. To stand in the sun.. With her. It’s something I want more than anything and actually have no clue how to attain.

Today was a good start.

Very Busy Love Weekend

A Day of Love

It’s funny-I like Valentine’s Day for some reason. I am not a huge holiday person in general and valentines are such a commercial one –but there is something about it like.

When our kids were little we made the decision they would always have something fun to do on Valentine’s Day forever. Would not be a holiday for us-but for them. We would have fondue or go to some cheap resto like Ikea and share a meal. For us it was a family affair. I like the simplicity of it –chocolates and candy on the table. A pretty tablecloth lay out. Maybe a card. Certainly the traditional rose that follows my daughter from her Dad wherever she may be in the world. Simple and Sweet. We also give each other a little gift too of chocolate and a  card-sometimes make time for a date that same week to a movie or out for a quick meal.

This year was different as both our boys are in love. We are at the cottage on the real day so they celebrated the day before and it is adorable to watch on valentines. One went out and got a rose and a bracelet with a charm of a heart. Took his girl to a nice brunch out and came back to skate and play hockey with their friends for 4 hrs outside at the rink and then 8 of their friends back to our house for pizza  they all ordered in with their money (was a day off from school)

The other boy got a rose and Laura Secord chocolates and went out to fancy Italian restaurant for dinner, had his girl over for the day and watched the Good Wife episodes. I was ok with this being alone as we had a new cleaning team there for the first time since other ones quit and three Jamaican ladies who I gave strict instructions to not let them have sheets on the bed or let them alone in a roomJ) I get the feeling this  young couple was a little bit afraid of pissing off the Jamaican mamas!!!!

I was sick for a good part of the day and stayed in bed. Then had to get on with the weekend as is a big completion ski weekend planned for ages now.

But was so cute to hear about these boys and their loves. Real gentlemen and fun to see bloom. One of their girlfeinds gave one son 5 chocolate bars and he was so touched. The others son’s bday gave him chocolcate bars too and he was also super impressed. It is fun to watch them give their hearts to sweet girls and care for them. Part of it bothers me and part of it is really sweet to watch unravel. Ah..young love!

And I and Beauty and her BFF are having a lovely weekend too. They are such sweet girls together. Feels fun to juts be girls this year.

Today before 8am there were three shuffles to many mountains. Hubby got to cottage and bed at 1am and then up at 6am so not a whole lot of time for Valentines for us! Tonight a simple spaghetti and garlic bread meal with a salad and all the chocolates we got for dessert. Hoping to gather all around the TV and watch a sweet family movie. We might actually end at 8am and be  able to watch the movie (has been weeks and weeks finishing dinner at 11pm and everyone too tired so tonight I made a point to be organised). What I like lately about Saturday night at the cottage is after dinner (or during) everyone is so tired from their ski days that we all basically fall onto the couch and half chat and half sleep. This time everyone was kind of awake and telling logic riddles etc…it was just really nice.

It’s amazing how much the world opens. up when their phones and I pads are away…..when I experience moments like this at the cottage. I am so so so resentful for what technology has done to the world and opur children. Even during these moments I know they are uber-aware that their phones are upstairs “for just about 20 mins” while they have fun. It scares me for that generation to the core.

Nothing special about this Valentines but kind of feels like a whole new world in some ways. These kids are growing up! Valentines is starting to belong to them instead of the family-which is fine and normal and good. Beauty was very happy when I felt better to hang out with me and watch a horror movie and snuggle up. I was thrilled to have her by my side.

It has and has just a sweet little flavor this year. I like Valentines!

PS-Hubby gave me chocolate and a card for a 30 min foot massage while watching ScandalJ) and my blog book of the year has been ordered and on its way which is the best gift ever and I feel so lucky to get this each year from my husband who puts it together and order the front and back pics and quotes and binding for it.

PSS- Oh Calamity!  What a disaster today up and out by 6::15 am for the second competition for skiing. Right before our daughter race all was suspended as too freezing and all the communication systems literally froze up and was unsafe to proceed o race..so all that for nothing!!!!!!!! OMG And she stood at top of mountain for two hours in only a skinsuit!!!!. Left at 1:30pm and no races. And Chases’ all lessons were cancelled too for -35 degree windshield factor and he was there at hill as usual all day) working but not being paid! Such an odd job.

Standing in the Sun

I was reminded of this expression today at work as I left something inside my car and went outside to get it at lunch. And I felt the sun on my face in a literal sense and if felt so good. Made me feel less cooped up and warm and happy.

And I love this expression in the way that they use in on our favorite television show to check in with each other of where they are at. Are they doing evil or good? Self-nurturing? Using their full potentials as humans for good or bad?.

Thus, I find myself asking myself quite often:

Are you standing in the Sun?

And I think most times I am. I make creating sunny moments a very big goal of my life-probably more often than most. Fun and sun and happiness are part of my daily wants and worlds rather than simply on a holiday once a year. It’s not enough for me –not will it ever be. I need to stand in the sun often.

Like yesterday I noticed there were two things already in that one day that made me very happy. One at work and one at home-always has to be like that. I am whole and both together make me complete

At work it was with a colleague who is increasingly becoming more of a friend over time and we really enjoy each other’s company. He makes me laugh and we share stuff, and have these totally amazing conversations. I love having “my people” at work. So often I do and then they move away as we work in that type of business with offices all over the world. I need my handful of people here. It’s where I shine and am at my best. I stand in the sun when I have people at work. I am sure it is the same for him. Work is a lot about work but it’s a lot about people for me too. I need it .

And then at home Hubby and my framing project. I know it seems like this goes on and on but it is important. We pretty much do take about 2 days a year to frame pictures for the house and cottage. And the framing is the easy part! Choosing which pics-getting them printed or printing them ourselves. Getting the frames for vertical and horizontal, new pics for office frames yearly, collages for the kids grade 6 trips, downloading  pictures from all the phones and cameras, filing them all and making sense of them, burning them onto digital frames , printing out 300 hard pics a year for the yearly album, making sure we have at least one pic framed of every trip for our travel wall.It’s a big big job. But it makes me so very happy, and my family happy too to see these pictures so lovingly displayed and remember those precious moments. It is so worth ever grueling hour of the process as it can be very long.

It’s one of the things in my life I am most proud of , that I have stood in the sun when it comes to pictures and framing and creating moments and remembering them. Our home and cottage are filled with memories and it makes me feel good and happy on a daily basis.

And one day I would like to get full on into photography. I disappoint myself lately as have moved from my amazing lens cameras to stupid iPhone pictures simply for practicality sake. But in this move I have lost a lot-quality and fun with photographs. It lacks something just like everything else we use the I phone for now. It all lacks the specialness.

And I am naturally just a really good photographer with a camera-lots turn out really nice and  I think I have a true talent for this and I would love to one day expand this and learn a few things. But this season of my life is not the time…maybe at retirement one day. For now I have my plate full living the moments, creating them, keepssaking.

For now I have my hands full just by having the goal to most days of the week to be:

Standing in the Sun

It’s enough for now and it’s where I need to be.

Food for the Soul

I have been a bit bummed the last month as my weight loss efforts have stalled since the X-mas holidays. I was consistently losing .5-1 lb. per week and was up to 11 lbs. and then 2 weeks of Xmas vacation came and have spent my weeks now trying to lose the few lbs. I had gained back during that time.

The last three days I have gone serious and am on two shakes a day and one protein meal (with a cake pop I just ate in between) and man this works! 3 lbs. gone-yahoo Tonight it is dinner out with friends from work for yummy Lebanese downtown (finally real food!)All that to say I had to find other ways to “feed” myself in the last couple of days as life was pretty boring on mostly protein shakes.

Three things that have been wonderful are the tweaks my Hubby and I made to our couple hood priorities and schedule right after Christmas that we have been good in keeping so far

 Wed early mornings for 30 mins we do a home project together (last two weeks was printing and framing family pics, laying down a carpet in the basement, financial accounting) I thought I would resent this but I like it a lot. He still has his weekly home list and I still have mine individually of course as trust me with two homes it is never ending and alot of our time in evenings and on weekend is the maintenance of the house and cottage

On weekends now he also plans out the day and I like that too (between us both chauffeuring to ski mountain 8 times!). Usually he chooses something I like and sometimes not but I get used to it (shoveling is often his first pick) I like someone else planning though and its takes it off of me and also ensure we do things he likes. Last week I even helped with screwing in lighbulbs on the balcony!

The other tweak which we tweaked a few times and seemed to have settled on this one is: Tuesday nights after kids in beds no technology. No phones, computers or even TV. TV is a biggie for us as on last season of Scandal and love our TV shows in the winter. Kind of addicted. Huge sacrifice to not watch an hou at night. And Monday and Wedneday nights we either work super late of have other activgities so not many nights in the week.

 "Technology free Tuesday" night was a success and we read books in bed, Hubby listened  to his choir music in prep for rehearsal tonight and we had a nice warm bath and got under our amazingly cozy flannel sheets ( a bit earlier than usual at 12:00 am vs our usual 12:30am)

We felt good. And I feel good today. My soul is nourished and I am content

Ritualization, Ritualization. Ritualization. Can’t say enough about it.When something is important to you build it into your schedule and use persistence. It’s the only way REALLY. Thinking about doing seeming or wanting to do something is not the same as doing it. Consistently.

If you want to hear more , read the book I co-authored coming out on Amazon end of March 2015 “More Life, Please!”  there will be many more posts on this book! I feel so proud. Last copy publisher sent us this week and final edits have gone back. This is it!!! Two years in the writing and waiting! Dream come true for me and a really really good read if I do say so myselfJ)

Selfish and Self Centered

Lately I find myself going back and forth on almost a daily basis loving my kids and thinking they are the best .. to thinking they are the most selfish bastards on earth (sorry kids this is my place of true expression)

Welcome To adolescence! And now that I officially have three and all in high school ... I see that their worlds really do revolve around themselves only... The cornerstone of
Adolescence

Truly lately all we do is serve them. Drive them... Pick them up... Cancel our plans
for them. Cook for them, help them with chores.
And the worst is? We don't even really get any prize of acknowledgment or reward. They try to get out of being with us much of the time actually

I just surprised them tonight and told them I decided to take two days off at march break to chill at the cottage with them ..
And they looked at me in shock and said "What!!!" (Not in a good way) I even threw in they could have friends for two days and they looked at me and said” No. We don't want to go “and then they all stomped out of the room. Even my little daughter. So selfish and dumb.

 

Well then I said :

“Well You know what ? We are going bc I need a break and so does Dad and that is where we relax the most so yes you are coming " I should just go alone with Hubby but cant ever leave them alone now that they have girlfriends. Back to babysitting days and having to watch them every moment.

 

An hour later after all acting like brats they forget about it and start asking me to watch their dances or look at their art projects or tuck them in . As though they are really nice people and I still even like them. Weird 

 

I am telling your this thing called teenagers are one weird species. Hopefully they won't be selfish forever? I am not so sure anymore.

 

And on Mondays I wish truly they would all just shut up. Mondays are bad enough without the sounds of their demanding selfish voices surrounding me. Even at 10pm as I lay down to read for 5 mins, demands and requests and needing, needing needing! Enough already!

 

I am telling you thank God I am not a stay at home mom. These people would drive me crazy

 

Ps after I wrote this blog last night I text my Hubby and said that we really need to take an alone vacation every year (last year skipped it and brought the kids and I feel it now without any alone time for 15 months now-barely been one dinner or night I am serious. Need to get away the two of us this November for sure…)

We must be crazy-2 weeks Xmas vacation with these teens. Every single weekend for ski season with no break and right after ski season Costa Rica with them???? OMG!!! What were we thinking!!!!!! (Hopefully these kids get more grateful, more kind and more giving between now and then!~

 

Articulation of Loveliness

They say we all find our love and joy of life in various moments-and usually these moments hold a thread for us. Moments that takes our breath away. A BFF and a few others I have read call them “thin places” places where heaven and earth seem to come together. Others call them “in the flow” or “moments of joy.” They all make sense to me.

Mine very very often come from seeing my loved ones-especially our children, in relationships with others they cherish. Friendships, loves. For me it gives me that true glimpse into their souls..Deeply who they are without us guiding the. Who they are without us, which are our ultimate roles as parents. To grow them and set they free. It is always bittersweet for me as I often feel as though each time I see this joy in them for someone else there is a part of them I lose. 

For me it always has been and always will be “togetherness” that is my thin places. Surrounded by each other and love and friendship. Making that space for that togetherness to bloom and always ensuring I am never busy being too busy to do so.

Bear’s thirds celebration was his girlfriend coming over for a nice dinner and Beauty’s BFF coming over too (Chase was on grad ski trip). We set up the dining room nice and cozy and had a beautiful evening over fancy raclette. It was so peaceful and cozy and nice. Everyone was so happy. I loved seeing the gentleman the Bear is. With manners and warmth and goodness. I adore his girlfriend (I have to stop myself from adoring her so much as they are so young at 15 yrs. old and I could just eat this girl up she is so lovely). I loved seeing Beauty and one of her favorite long-time friends dance for us and plan their weekend together upcoming at our cottage. I loved the relationships I have with not only my own children but they people that matter to them. These are my thin places as it gives me insights into the future. Their futures. Our futures.

Our children and I are our best selves with the ones we love. We bloom in friendship.

There is nothing more I want in the wold than to be a close part of our children’s lives as they have their own lives and family. Hubby and I have not discussed this much between us yet but even the other day he articulated it so nicely himself making me realize how much of the same page we are on this future “I hope I am alive and well for our children. I would choose a day each week for each  of them and go to their homes and fix all the stuff that is broken and make a nice meal for them for when they come home from work and do all the grocery shopping” I picture this too and helping them raise their kids too. Funny as this sounds strange to me even but it is what I want in my heart. To be a big and close part of raising grandchildren and also making our three kids lives easier and carrying the load of adulthood with them. We want this. Will it work out that way? Will they want this too? Maybe not and we would adapt and adjust to that too and whatever their hearts desire-but probably yes. I can’t imagine a more beautiful life for all of us. A village. I am old fashioned this way.

Beauty’s friend’s mom got at our palace too early to pick up Charlotte so she came in for about mins and joined us for desert (torsional bay BIG cookie for Bear) and we sat and joked and talked and laughed. We have known her for years so different from us, so full of laughter and so free, we have always adored her.

It was a lovely dinner and made me realize that what I am losing a lot now as the kids get older; I am also gaining in other ways.

We couldn’t have asked for more beautiful evening really.

And I am so thankful for this blog to give me the space to be able to record and remember what so often without this blog would get lost in the shuffle and busyness of life. Thank you sister savvy for providing me this idea years ago-it is priceless for m and has added to the quality of my life immensely to have the place for creative expression.

A few other lovely moments this weekend. Much Better than the disaster of last weekend!!!

this weekend our hearts felt freer after finally some good medical news for Beauty where spinal fusion is unlikley

To Breathe Again

I am posting what I wrote to frinds and family early yesterday morning from hospital. We are so lucky to have the support we do..thank you all soooo much!!!

Hi Everyone

Thought I would answer properly by email as so many nice texts early this morning. Beauty is fineJ)) Her X-rays are exactly where they were at 6 months ago which is great news! Her curve holds at 35 degree which is really great considering she has grown over 6 months. She is now 5’5 feet tall!

Both of her braces (day and night) are doing their job well. She was also fitted for a new night brace today which we will receive in 3 weeks and she will  wean into...(pics above!)

Phew….this was a BIG relief and a very important appointment as now she is at what is considered Riser 2 which is a lot closer to finishing her growth than when she started this journey.(Risser 0). Once reaches Risser 4 she will not need bracing. She is almost halfway there likely
She will remain in brace for likely18months (maybe  a little more or less) but spinal fusion surgery is very unlikely at this point unless she is a very unlucky case

And that? Is great news!

I have attached a little short dance that Beauty horeographed for an exam at school. There is nothing extraordinary about it-one of her more basic and simpler ones but reminds me of how lucky she is and we are in this journey that she can still dance this way despite all the obstacles she has and still faces daily with scoliosis.

There is something about this particular dance that touches me and reminds me of the resilience  and strength of our daughter to be able to do so well physically and emotionally in wearing two body braces 20 hours per day over such a long period.. Who she is at the core I find comes through this little short clip and the grace in which she is handling all that is and is and has been  coming her way.

.I wanted to share it with you on this happy day.

The Sex Book

 

I give a lot of big presentations at work. It’s a part of my job whether it is a 5 minute update to the leadership team or a presentation in from of hundreds of Associates or a 5 day training course. I am used to it-but never really get used to it. I am fine days before and even hours before-and then I start getting really nervous about an hour before.

My presentation is in 25 mins. And I am going to write a blog about sex books now. And the answer is “no I don’t write blogs from work” (or very seldomlyly anyways). I need to keep myself sane right now and my mind off of work.

My Mom and I were having a conversation about sex a few weeks ago (uck yuck yuck I know). It is rare. She often tries to discuss stuff like this with me and fails. Just as she tries to get a glimpse of my boobs when I change. It’s usually just not going to happen. You see my mom is much more of a hippie and much less conservative that her corporate daughter. She tries and tries over the years with little success to convert me. She succeeded a few weeks ago and I confided in her a few little things.

 

And then she told me she had a great book to lend me. About sex.

 

I was looking forward to the weekend and reading and learning from this great book she mentioned that would save my soul.

So I snuggle by the fire and open it and the book is a bunch of naked people pictures!!! With large large writing for like old blind people! And the naked people are really UGLY too. And mostly they are old too! It is gross. WTF Mom!!!

 

I tried to find some hidden buckets of gems in this book but just picture after picture of very embarrassing things happening to people who have varicose veins and cellulite and dimples on their butts and saggy boobs and potbellies. Somehow I was not so sure this would solve my issues. I really did not feel too inspired!

 

I kept at it though as surely my Mom would not lend me a book of weird porn? Or an instruction manual for the 75yrs and over age group of how to spruce up your sex life?

Well I got to the end and it just got weirder and weirder as the nakesd people  in it started being really really bad. Without thinking I just abandoned the book and thought about something (anything else!)

 

That evening I was in a silly teasing mood-happens only a few times a month so have to take advantage of it. I decide to go and flash a picture from the book in Chase’s face (ok ok I get it not appropriate! I am not perfect and do have some of my parent’s genes afterall!) And he FREAKS out!!! And runs after me all over the cottage trying to get the book and locking him into bathroom to “read” it! Thank goodness the two younger ones were not around for this spectacle. I loved hearing his laughing from the locked door. I secretly hoped that this book would turn him off sex forever. It probably did-if it didn’t there is something wrong with my son. We had a good laugh together nonetheless. And I think my son was too taken by anyone naked in pictures to realize they are not the cutest bunch..

 

I hid the book in the bottom of my husband’s clothes drawer in our room. Well last weekend Chase did homework in there. And searched for the book and looked at every single picture!!!!!!!! He is 17 yrs. old…I guess it is time and ok but still? Is it ever time to see such a book owned by your parent nonetheless????? Is it ever?

 

I just felt I should follow the hippy mom route and provide this experience to my first born. Then he clearly won’t have any unrealistic expectations of woman’s beauty or sex! That book took care of all that.

 

So now I am ready for my presentation. I have knocked the hippy silly genetics out of me and back into my corporate self. I am wearing a little tiny bit of risky but still very professional outfit.

 

Who knows maybe the book did inspire me in ways I cannot even begin  imagine.

Thanks Mom..I guess?

 

Girl Only

(And no it is not about Shades of Grey!!!) That will be after Feb 20 when I see it.

If you are a boy you can’t read this. And if you are a boy who works with me please just let go ok? (What are you doing reading my blog anyways??)

It is so odd. Every month 24 hrs before I get my period I have a vivid dream the night before that I get my period. And it is always at a time when I don’t want my period in my dream.  (Although do we ever want it really?) I wake up an am sure I have period, but then don’t have it. And then 24 hrs later get it.

And it is not that I am so regular or anything so this is odd.

What it shows me is the power of the hormones and the female body all connected to female intuition. The body and mind are connected-and the mind knows and so does the body that the bloody period is arriving (pun intended)

For me although periods are not necessarily clockwork (and sometimes are) there are some very predictable elements to this time of month. Since I don’t want any more babies I find menstruation more and more of a lost cause and an annoyance as it truly has no purpose in my life.

-about 4 days before it is 100% certain I will get in a huge fight with either my husband or one of the kids or all of the kids and my husband. During this fight limited to about once a month, if we are luck that month, I will lose it and be screaming and crying a lot. This is so not my fault. I cannot control it .

-I will be tired and irritable about 2 weeks before my period. So generally half the month I am sweet as pie (probably sweeter than most) and half the month I am a bitch (really bad). I am quite pleased as before two years ago it was about 3 months and 4 days I was irritable leaving about 4 days a month (with blood) that I was pleasant to live with. Now it is two whole weeks!

-after I get my period I am so…calm. And serene…and happy and peaceful for a few…moments...hours...days

I thought about this today because the hormones affect me to this level imagine what this does to teens with their constant raging hormones? We can’t get to irritated and angry with them-as their bodies are out of control! Seriously I bet they feel like I do the 4 days before my period pretty much all the time. We can’t hold them liable for their behavior then can we? They are hormonal messes! Let’s see if I remember this next time our teens pull something that irritates me (everyday)

Like this morning after thousands and thousands of times of me telling Beauty to make sure clothes not on floor in mornings and lamp off as a fire hazard-I walk into her room that she was supposed to have cleaned last night and what do I see? I see no floor at all-that is how bad it is. And two lamps on. It was and is pathetic and I am at a loss for words. But hey maybe it is her hormones!!! Yes let’s blame everyone’s bad characteristics in the house and their disobedience on that!

My daughter has had her period for 10 months now and thank goodness she and I are pretty much on the same cycle. And similar moods too. (poor men in our home)Tonight we are both in good moods..and we had fun. Can’t wait until next month to catch a glimpse of that again.

If you are a boy and you arrived to this point…you are a bad bad boy. And you deserve feeling a little awkward. And so do I!