Ebb and Flow

I remember reading a book when our kids were little called “Eating, Sleeping and Getting up”

It was so simple and stressed the importance of getting these basics fundamentals right with little ones (which we did). I loved the simplicity of it all. I remember for years after my passwords would always be “backtothebasics” and symbolized for me how happiness and peace come from the daily things in life and not the big things. A good meal in the belly, a needed rest, and some good rituals as we awake and throughout the day is really all we need.

And for the most part for my kid’s’ lives they have had all this.

And me to on many levels yes but with lots of holes in between. Periods of time when I got too busy to do the things that make me happy and peaceful such as exercise, sleep well, eat well, listen to music, write, spend time doing something useless etc.

By the weekends I was exhausted and would literally fall asleep on the couch as we arrived at the cottage at midnight on Friday nights. Literally as I walked in the door I fell asleep on the nearest couch always.

Any time off work was spent on vacation or at the cottage on leisure. Hence why if the weather did not cooperate I was as sad as had so little time to enjoy these precious moments.

In these more mentally turbulent career times right now-I find myself having more Ebb and Flow. Much more of it actually. To the point that I am not sure how I ever lived without it.

This week I planned for 2.5 days of work and 2.5 days transition into vacation week. I actually did yesterday what I wanted to do. That day was partially spentworking and the other half listening to classical music and sorting through recipes to cook on vacation (ok clarification have husband cook)

(My Dad in his grave would be so happy about the classical music part).

I actually enjoyed this time. It felt very precious to me actually. It felt like a world was opening up, slowly but surely. A world I have never ever ever been part of and have never really been invited too..or more importantly have not even wanted to be invited to.

It’s not like I like that world yet…not at all. That world is not mine. But I like playing in in and exploring it. I like testing out how it makes me feel.

 I like seeing what having one life feels like..vs having very often two with competing demands. I like trying this hat on for a while as uncomfortable as it makes me feel (juts like praying makes me widely uncomfortable!)…I know that there are lessons to be learned for me through it all.

All this became very clear to me going through the bag from work that same precious day from my last day at the office. What do I find? My last badge there…dates on the day I left with three important words:

Flow and Massive Success.

This is what I know for sure.

The Right Formulas

This week has been a mess so far. Sleeping less, schedule all over the place, technical issues on phones and computers, no time for showers, ankle still sprained and confirmed “badly” sprained, meetings cancelled, kids events, no downtime, high emotions, friends not texting back. A mess.

And when I looked at why-it is mostly because I did not follow the formulas I am supposed to follow to ensure calm, tranquility and peace (mostly)

I am not reading before bed, I am not going to bed by 11:30am, I am not exercising I did not do Sunday night calendar so nobody knows where to be when, my hubby and I are not cuddling on the couch and having downtime together during the evenings, I am out too many times, I am doing to many things. I am rushed. And stressed and trying to pack it all in after a great vacation (which I am now paying for of course)

 

It’s like when I coach clients on their babies and kid’s sleep. They follow the system for a few weeks or months and then get complacent. “oh just tonight let her eat chocolate at 11pm, or juts tonight let her come into  my bed when she is whiny and crabby, or just tonight I will bribe him with a gift if he goes to sleep without complaining. Or just tonight I will let her play with the iPad in bed to make her sleepy” Just tonight my ass!

 

How about do what you were told? Which works. It is literally 100 fail proof I promise unless your kid has a medical issue

“It’s bedtime child. Go to your bed and be quiet unless there is a health issue or emergency”

(And PS what time they fall asleep, how much they stay awake looking at the ceiling, the singing in their room, quietly coloring etc. is NONE OF YOUIR BUINESS!  Your job is to go and clean up, watch TV and allow your child to learn the important skill of sleep.

Within three weeks magic all the sudden they are asleep at 8pm. No crying. No calling. No whining. Why because it causes ZERO reaction from you and therefore is no benefit.

I guarantee you 100 percent this has never ever failed in the 10 yrs I have been preaching and teaching this.

Advice: STOP IT! Whatever you are doing-if it is not working..just please stop it.

(Anyways back to the point (after coaching three clients on sleep this week who derailed and are quickly back on track and sane again and not screaming at their child every two minutes)…I think sleep is really top of mind for me).

Anyways-this week I broke my formulas for myself for my wellbeing and wound up cranky, irritable and unpleasant.

And in general I have been breaking my overall life formulas too in work, parenting, marriage etc…YIKES!

My formula this year, 2014 is REEC

Read/Exercise/Eat well/sleep/ /. If I do those 4 things well in the way I want and intend too-everything else goes smoothly other things will too. There are many other things in a day I want to do too like deliver, be productive, connect, be loving and affectionate , plan short terms and long terms, but a lot of that stuff I don’t have to think about (or at least don’t have to think much about anymore as I am getting better)

 

So today I got up and despite a whole lot of busyness and craziness  and went for a nice brisk walk by the lake. For lunch even though I wanted to order that poutine as was out to lunch with a friend who was..I ordered a healthy brochette and salad and no rice, last night I tuckered down to bed after my late course with a good book and got in 7.5 hrs  of sleep.

And abracadabra I am back in business yet again.There world is still spinning around me-things are chaotic-life is under control.

But me? I am centered.

People it’s all about our own personal formulas (a book to be written on this one day!) Follow them or don’t. We each have different and unique ones -but the commonality is that they work. If they don't-they arent then considered a successful formula

It’s up to you after all!

 

And that is my coaching tip of the day!

 

Pomegranates, Greek Yogurt and Elves

This last week as I am in the process of personally feeling that the earth has been pulled from beneath me…my kids are a whole other story.

My kids are superstars.

Yes I am pulling out my bragging rights (it won’t last so don’t worry). These kids seriously impress me these last few weeks. For one in school. OMG. All of them are just so dedicated and organized. We give no help to anyone of them ever….and two out of three are doing harder work in high school than I did in University. They run the show –all of them when it comes to their academics. Occasionally they ask us here and there to test them on the 400 concepts they have to memorize for science but they are totally autonomous and doing really well. And this is something that they created for themselves (and with our training and training for yrs. on the skill of autonomy). It did not always come naturally to them. They all rock.

Pomegranates. Ya the fruit. We buy about 10-12 a week now. Ya the fruit that takes 20 minutes to prepare before you eat it. My daughter sets her alarm 15 mins early every single morning and eats one. She declines social events afterschool to come home and eat another one. The boys are picking up this habit too now. Pomegranate is a popular nickname in our home.

Which brings me to Greek yogurt. Especially lime and pomegranate flavor. Ok I am almost poor at 1 dollar a little container of yogurt. I kid you not Chase eats five per day every day. The other two eat two a day. They love Greek yogurt. I am poor.

Which brings me to Elves. Yes we hide him most days before X-mas like the rest of the world leading up to Dec 25, but it is my elves that make the biggest difference. Earlier this year we went from housekeeper 1.5 days per week to a cleaning service that comes in only once every two weeks now. There’s a gap there of a whole lot of laundry, a lot of tidying, dishes, toilets to be cleaned and gifts to be wrapped. Especially that we have two homes and go back and forth weekly. There is a huge pleasure of having four season cottage but also a big sacrifice of time and energy that goes into maintaining it.

My family has stepped up to the plate and I feel my heart full of pride. I told you it is a bragging post! I don’t care if I come off today arrogant…I need to be uplifted right now and I will be in writing this.

The girl wraps I tell you! And folds! Beauty!! OMG! The other day I came home and she had cleaned the entire kitchen (dishes unstacked, stacked, fridge cleaned out, all Tupperware’s sorted and put way) without being reminded. Last night she offered to wrap Xmas gits and they look like Martha Stewart has wrapped them. Her folding is getting better daily..the girl handles loads and loads of laundry by herself and folds dancing happily to music.

And Bear….well he started with owning two zones and now he just owns them all. Bear is a power machine. Everyone should have a Bear.

And Chase well he studies. A lot. And does his little 3 chores. But then on weekends and holidays we put him to work and his favorite are cleaning toilets surprisingly with rubber gloves on (who has this as their fave?). And he loves vacuuming.

All that to say losing the extra help was one of the hardest logistical things we have done in a while. It changed the way we run the family and homes completely. But like anything else difficult it has been an amazing thing too..to see my kids access the elves in themselves and give those parts and skills in them the space to flourish. I find domesticity very creative in many ways..very artistic…my daughter makes it all like a dance in many ways-I love watching this (and don’t get any ideas that she does not whine and complain..She does) but when she realised she has not choice she does it very artistically.  And although I am no domestic goddess by far…I have “a domestic flow” going that I have never had in my life. And I quite like it too-shockingly. There is nothing that can keep your mind off of problems better than working your ass off at work and then coming home and working your ass off at home. And then sleeping.

 I love seeing the seeds we planted so carefully for so long growing. Becoming. Being. It’s like everything I had hoped for my kids is happening…in the school work, the housework, the autonomy, the confidence and especially in the pomegranates.

If you want that yummy fruit-you must put the effort and put up with the mess. You need to work at it if you want it.

Live on Pomegranates!

PS-thank you to all close to me who lovingly wrote me about my post “Falling from Grace” Very subtle of course to protect confidentiality, but very real. Your tenderness makes the difference and your confidence in me too. I will come around soon and bring you in. For now the falling is the place where I need to be. Landing is next.

Embracing the Chaos by Organizing

Lately a number of colleagues have been asking me how I organize my personal and professional life. And I have been sharing my tips with them. If you look at my office to my house-the word “organized” won’t necessarily be the first word to come to mind! (probably mediocore organized more fitting) But if you look at the lists posted around my house, my I-Phone,my agenda, my post it notes or take a look inside my brain you will really very quickly that the exterior is just a façade.

I am super organized. As in super.

But from the outside I can look a bit (very ) chaoptic too. Clothes piled up, dishes in the sink, sometimes track pants worn inside out.

Here it goes my guide to organizing my life.

Work:

-all appointments go on my Iphone with a 15 minute alert for the next meeting

-I have a daily list of things needing to get done that day and a monthly list and a general list

-I also have a list and a folder for each big project I am working on (many!)

-I have electronic files for each of my projects

-I guess because I have always worked…organizing at work is fairly simple for me as I have always done it. Mornings every single day are spent planning and organizing and crossing of and transferring items. I would never start my day without making time for this. Even if I have to get up at 5:30am to do it I will

-I have excellent people working with me!

 Personal Life

-If  personal appt  happens during the work day they go in my manual agenda and in my iPhone since they are during working hours

-I have an alert before every personal apt of 15mins (30 if I have to travel)

-all kids activities that I am involved in (pick up drop off etc.) are in my personal agenda. If I am not involved they are not in there and are in the kid’s memories or agenda and are their business to deal with

-Sunday night we do “Family Calendar” and everyone goes through what we each have that week and we manage our own agendas accordingly

-Sunday nights is also “Lists with each kid” I sit down with each for at least 15-20 minutes and go through whatever I need to for that week. I have a tab in a notebook for each kid and Hubby and write things as they occur to me. This Sunday lists really diminishes the nagging factor as I try to not go over stuff daily and aim for once a week unless really necessary.(which of course there is stuff that comes up daily)

-I also have a tab in notebook for anyone who works in home (my Mom, cleaning service, cooking service etc.) and these lists get communicated on Mondays or Tuesdays

-My husband and I do “Tuesday Lists” every Tuesday (duh!) and this sets him up for his lists of what I need him to do that week.(guess who the boss is???) Section of list is Doing and section is Discuss. This takes us a good 45 minutes on Tuesdays and if we do not do it we feel the pain.

-I have a ton of post it notes on my desk at home and at work and whenever I think about something I write it down. Anything and everything from “write so and so a thank you note to “buy perfume as smells good on Mary!”  These post it notes get transferred to the tab notebook Mondays and Fridays.

-Anything that needs to be on a specific day as a reminder either goes into manual agenda on that day or gets a reminder on the IPhone with Siri (ie: today a BFF had a very important dr apt and I want to know how it went and so put a reminder fort 6pm today to text her and ask). People’s birthdays are in agenda , if I want to remind myself to ask a family member or friend it is on a reminder or in agenda or both ,sometimes 3 days in row to ensure I don’t forget (if it is something important I likely remember anyways but put a reminder just in case as my brain overloads quickly)

-Pending items often get an entry with a ?. “Christmas organized yet???” Just so I kept track of where I am heading before X-mas  actually occurs.To me this is a huge corner stone of true organization is anticipating upcoming dates vs. just recording them.

-Generally speaking organizing is done on lists days and Mondays. Also every night between dinner over and chores and tucking kids in, I will be found at desk organizing for home and for work and making lists. Always. Always. Always.The nights I have something planned it is 30 minutes early morning before work.

Iphon

-I keep many recurring weekly things in my iPhone that pop up in evening. Things like watch one show a week with kids, ensure grocery list is made, do laundry etc..I also put reminders for things that don’t come as easily and naturally to me (reminder to make snacks for kids once a week on weekends or bake for them etc..)

-phone is with me all work day and after dinner for an hour and then after kids tucked in for about an hour as I work on it and answerer emails and do work. After work until dinner always off and after 10-10:30pm always off an away. Weekends on when I want it on but hidden away otherwise as too tempting to be on work email (more on that ritualization later as very complex)

Kid’s lists

-My kids have a weekly list that is prepared Monday morning and good until Friday. On it they have things that need to be done or discussed nightly. After dinner and chores (which are listed on it) they cannot go back to homework, or TV, or any technology before everything is crossed off and shown to me.  Works sooooo well. (took a decade to master though!) Also often 1-2 nights a week we are not home so helps them to manage themselves.

-Weekends they have weekend chore lists which are bigger or I just often yell out orders (really loudly)

Family Night

We have weekly time (Tuesday or Wednesday evenings) where we gather to discuss something other than lists and chores. Give thanks for our blessings or discuss a certain article, or look at pictures together, or gather quotes, or discuss a problem in the world or our family, or recognize achievement, or discuss upcoming family vacation etc..)We used to put 45 mins aside every week but now with two in high school and very intensive sports programs and one going into high school this longer formula cannot work for us. Now it is about 15 mins but still enjoyed by all(probably bc it is the only night of the week the kids get to have a treat). Used to be bigger funner treats and now a little bowl with usually one or two tiny Halloween candies. Oh well…still love it!

Values and priorities

I have constant reminders everywhere of what is most important to me in that phase of my life to ensure that my actions and activities are very much based upon my values and priorities. I want to ensure that my agenda and calendar always refelct my heart

(hint hint this will be my keynote speech one day so stay tuned!!!!)

Notes on Phone

I have tons and tons of lists on notes of what books to buy, errands, quotes that inspire me, good contacts, ideas for my book etc.

 

So there it is in a nutshell with many layers in between and many elements I have forgotten. To me organizing and lists are at the very core of who I am and without them I would be nowhere near who I want to be as a wife, a mother, a friend a daughter, a sister, a niece etc..Even with all the organizing I am not where I want to be but I am closer.

I will debate any day of the week that it is not just things and appointments that we have to organize and prioritize but relationships and people. We can all have the best organizing system possible and show up to every apt on time and have our christmas tree decorated to the max but if our prioritizing does not include people, relationships and planning of events, we will be living in a whole lot of chaos and in my opinion, often far off from what we would like to be.

I think that organizing brings us closer and closer to our full potential as human beings. Actually…I am sure of it.

Let’s just say that there was a fire drill at work the other day and the buzz in the hall was that it was not a drill but a real fire (it was not!). Let’s just say I risked my life and went back for 4 of my most precious possessions (agenda, phone, links of London bracelet and sunglasses) No car keys as could not give a damn about cars.

And you???Email me your best tips!!!! Love getting new and improved ones!

 

 

 

Inviting Chaos

It was funny the other night when we were out at a restaurant with 16 others there was one friend who had one son. The rest of us had anywhere from 2-4 kids each. She was observing that 6 h. evening a lot and turned to us and said at the end of it:

Why did you all invite chaos into your lives exactly?

We all thought it was hilarious as of course we totally got what she meant, we also realized that she had no clue how wonderful how that chaos could be. But most of us understood exactly what she was talking about as we ask ourselves that question many a time going to sleep at night.

There she was all evening with her one little son. Quite calm and quite obedient. Completely in tune with her son’s feelings, needs, reactions, wants. Snuggling him at every moment she got, him coming towards her for extra hugs. Politely asking for an extra soda and getting it.

And there we all were without 2, 3 or 4 kids and just basically juggling balls in the chaotic air surrounding us. We actually all thought the evening was calm and marvelous, but for her she thought it was a circus! Drinks spilling, interrupting, no money for extra soda, no time for tuning in.

At one point on the boat we played a game with the kids and asked them to each choose one word that describes their Dads and then their Moms. All the Dads got “Cool, fun, easy, not strict, and laughing.

Four Moms got the following words:

Organized

Strict

Tired

Nagger.

 

The Mom with the only child got: snuggly.

 

How cute!!!!

We all laughed all night about this (including her)

She said she becomes way less snuggly and calm when she and her son do play dates with other Moms. All the sudden her kid starts jumping and wrestling, and talking back and not listening. All the sudden she starts screaming, and nagging and ordering them to be quiet and stop fighting. She asked us if it is like this for us every day?

We all answered yes. Our kids love each other, get along, play together, but it’s a different life. You juggle many needs and not just one set. You sacrifice more…and play less…you clean more and snuggle less. You have way way less money and way less time.

But you get more love too. And you give more love.

Both situations are equally beautiful and equally authentic.

I remember as a kid I was an only child 5 days a week and then my two half-brothers on the weekend and often my young Uncle and Aunt too. The weekend had no similarity to the weeks. None at all. My Mom and I during the week used to quietly lie together in her bed and chat about the day. On weekends I barely spoke to her

I currently at work have two colleagues that both just gave birth to their second children with 2 yrs. olds at home. The big question they have emailed a few times to this “so called parenting expert” is:

Does it get easier?

My answer:

Not at all. Never. If anything it gets harder.

But you get used to it. And easy is fairly overrated. There are other things in life to covet than calm and peace. If you don’t expect one to be anything like two..and you are a master of ways to manage chaos..you will do just fine my dears and roll with the punches. And then when you get comfortable-you will  like it all so much that  you will likely move onto number three.

(That being said we did not convince our dinner friend to move over to our territories. She said she likes peace and calm very much and was very very content to be described as snugglyJ

Nagging Time

I have been a really bad blogger lately. My time has disappeared! Back to School overtakes my life, the preparation, the early mornings, the supplies, the uniforms, the forms to sign at night, getting back into a routine, chores.

Never mind that I have also had some really special events or will have this week (a visit from my Swiss Petal , big pool party today which Mom was sick so could not watch the kids so last minute shuffle, 22 people for pool party tomorrow night. PS tomorrow night I arrive home at 6pm!!!

Yes I am clinically insane.

And I have sooooo much to write about. For starters I lost my daughter in a shopping mall L(Security team and all when stores had closed etc….) Horrible horrible (but slightly funny) story. Cleary she is safe and sound or never would I be writing this silly blog.

Today I however in the 10 short minutes I carved out, bring to you my new number #1 parenting tip:

Nagging Time.

I can’t say it works or does not as it has only been effect in my house for less than 24 hrs. But so far I like it and so do my kids. I personally think it is quite brilliant (aren’t all the idea that last less than 24 hrs?)

This is how is works:  You only nag your kids at a certain hour of the day ( or several periods depending on how disobedience and lazy they really are)

Sometimes the best and most brilliant of ideas are the simplest right?

Do you find yourself being annoyed by your own voice? You finger shaking in the air more often than you give hugs? Do you find you raise your voice often? Become irritable with your kids? Have a constant to do list playing in your head and recite  it often aloud to your children?Do you find that you often don’t stop nagging in any given day unless you are actively engaged in a concentrated activity?

Then Nagging Time is for YOU!!!! Choose a time of day (like for me is after dinner for about 45 mins) and NAG AWAY. Warn them that that hour you will shake your finger, raising your voice and generally be very bitchy and bossy and a control freak. Keep a list all day of all the things you want to nag them about and then fire away at 8-9pm!

Genius eh??? (Why do I get the feeling this post will go virile or become a bestselling book??:)))

And the rest of the time? JUST SHUT UP!

So I tried out my new strategy for the first time yesterday (it has been brewing in my mind for about 10 yrs now and thought time to put into practice). It was second day of school and the Becel was left on counter, crumbs on floor, I knew they had agendas to sign that were not on desk, son had not texted when he went to ice-cream store afterschool, etc..etc..etc…

My instinct was to come down in morning while they were quietly eating breakfast and fire away!!! Nicely but still nagging. Instead I kissed and hugged them both…chatted….said bye and held my tongue. Hard but successful. This earned me two I love you (vs. major eye rolling) before they headed out.

Then came home and all three ignored me as I came in and barely looked up. Said hi under their breath as they stared at the computer, were not doing homework at the time they should have been, were not getting any fresh air outside as instructed. What did I do? Nothing! Just wrote down their crimes on my secret nagging list.

After diner 8pm comes and then it is time to nag! For a full 45 mins! I raise my voice-wag my finger- gets in their face, follow them around house to make chores done properly. Then I call them in one by one and go over the blips of the day, review the rules, tell them what is not working.

Then it is all over.

At 8:45 sharp I stop. At 9:15pm I sweetly tuck them in and refrain from reminding them what time we are driving the next day, to pack lunch, to clean up room, to put laundry outside of room.

Just kisses and hugs.

This time I was rewarded by many I love yous by all three and 2 sweet texts today saying I am the best mommy in there world!!! Something must have worked!!!

I figure if my husband can give up vodka martinis that he has had every night for 30 years surely I can limit my own addition to 1 hr a day. (nagging that is?)I want to do something revolutionary (just like him) and this is IT!

I will let you know how the next few weeks go…if I can keep  it up that is. This takes a hell of a lot of restraint so far I tell you. What will I do with all of this energy??

(FYI-I am considering going up to two sessions of nag time per day each of 45 mins)

Virile!!! Remember! Pass it on and make me famous for my new invention!!!

Laying in my Own (made) Bed

Before these last two weeks I can count on my fingers how many times I have made a bed in the mornings. My theory was “what is the point if you just climb in it every night anyways?” Very very childish  I know. If you are a stay at home Mom and want to stop reading my blog I don’t blame you.

I always knew there was something that I did differently with our family than others did. For as long as I can remember I have known people running to and from soccer, hockey, gymnastic competition teams. Getting up at 6am for tournaments, rarely having long and leisurely dinners together. My husband and I often look at each other and say” how do they do that?” or even more so “why would they want to do that?”

Our kids have been involved in a million things-camps, sports programs, afterschool activities but not much that has affected the family schedule at dinner time and weekend s especially. It just has never seemed important enough to us to hurry, rush or disrupt family time on a weekly consistent basis.

The same was with errands and household chores. We did it differently than almost all the families I knew and know. We tried to get all our errands done during the week to leave weekends for leisure. Same with household tasks done early morning and late at night..all in the goal of preserving as much leisure and relaxation on the weekends for us and the kids as possible. For Summer and Winter anyways. Spring and Fall are back to back work for us both at home and at actual work on all weekends. Two relaxing seasons and two high stress ones.

Up until now I have thought that we have great formulas. I have never questioned it. I don’t judge anyone else’s formulas I just thought ours worked for us. And was really cool.

 

Through all the years however and starting when the kids were very young-I have also found our kids hard to manage in some ways. They get on each other’s nerves often and often don’t know what to do with them. We leave them to their own devices quite a bit and sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not. We spend a ton of our leisure time as a family-usually 5 of us all together. It is rare that individuals are off in each their own corners in our family. No one is behind closed doors. We are most often found hard at work-or all together at home. This has had so many beautiful parts but has had hard parts too. At one point when we had our other open concept living space cottage…I thought I was going to die. Felt like we were together all the time and sometimes drove me crazy. Although I must have loved most of it if I craved it every second weekend right?

So all the sudden in this last week it occurred to me what we do differently and what has not been a success:

Kids need less leisure time and more responsibilities. That includes errands, mowing lawn, laundry and you name it. They had too much time on their hands on some weekends/vacations throughout the years.

Yes I am big on chores. Huge on chores. But these take them about 15 minutes on a weeknights and hour an day on weekends or vacations. Doesn’t fill up a good part of day. Also they are considered tasks and chores (like when I was brought up) A kind of annoying thing you do to pick up after yourself and help the family. A required and unpleasant thing you do that you wish you were not doing. I grew up with this mentality..and it did not help me as an adult at all. To this day I consider any domestic chore..as a chore.

So yesterday and today besides their daily chores..we got to work as a family. Seven loads of camp laundry. Sorting, folding, and hanging out on the close line. We fired the guy who cuts the grass at the cottage and gave the job to the boys instead. We installed a “10 minute tidy” at different parts of the day which we all do together (well not Hubby as he is often the cook) and we put music on and all do it together. No chores or individual zones….just making sure it all gets clean.

And it was a damn good day I tell you.

And hardly any complaining. Or fighting. Or annoying us.

They felt accomplished and proud (I think as they would never admit it)

And they were kept busy and occupied with tons of time in between to have fun and relax too

And I think had a sense of getting what needed to get done vs sense of an unpleasant task that they were doing alone.

We don’t have this problem during school months as their school keeps them mightily busy that is certain. What we adore of the concept of the high school is that the theory is that the more responsibility teens are giving and the more work-the more they flourish and stay out of trouble. I have seen it proven time and time again. And it is true.

So we decided to apply the same theory at home. Busy bees. But in a fun family way. To make it enjoyable in the way that somehow their school manages to do ..Even with hours and hours of studying per weekend the worst thing they could ever imagine happening to them in life is being expelled from that school. Maybe they are brainwashed? Part of a big secret cult? I don’t know. Literally every student who goes there feels that way.

All that to say we are getting more domestic around here as I have mentioned before. We have been forced too as we have lost our help and are replacing her with 1/3 of the help we used to have. On purpose.

I remember a few years ago a friend saying to me when she lost her full time nanny that “it was the hardest and best thing” That her three boys became totally competent in the home and it was about time.But man was it a hard transition for that family.

This is where we are heading. 3 kids ..and a wife….will become much much more domestic. And not see this as a task or chore, but as a way to contribute to the family and add to the home. I have always added my brains to the family. And my heart. It is no time to add my hands. And show my kids how to do this too. (aka the blind leading the blind)

Besides a (scary) capable husband ..I want three (scary) capable kids too. And I would just like to be (somewhat) capable with a washing machine and an oven.

I have to say though today doing the laundry as a gang was actually quite fun. More than fun actually. It felt super good. Maybe it is because we are on vacation and have the time? Maybe it is because nothing else is fighting for our attention? Or maybe it is because I have realized that we were wrong all these years and the answer to family and marital bliss is a bit of soap and a clothesline?  I hve to admit I have always kinda thought if it can be delegated so easily what is the point? Why not keep the harder and fun stuff to do ourselves (yes yes I know very very spoiled and very very un-wife like)

When I realize I am wrong…trust me I admit it. Not just admit it but change it.

I used to think too much order in the home was a waste of a lot of precious time. I am now starting to believe that it may just be the secret to order in our hearts.

As my wise friend said to me that stuck like glue (like every other piece of wise advice she gives me ”Tell your kids and yourself that order in the home is a reflection of what is going on their heads and their lives”She is right. In the last two days for no other reason than a few loads of laundry and a freshly mowed lawn…I feel more rested and less chaotic than I have in decades.

Coincidence? Vacation? Watching Downton Abbey too much and laughing at the way the royalty is served and do nothing?

Don’t know yet. I will keep you posted after a few more loads of laundry and ten minute tidys. I may just have been converted.

I have made my bed every single morning for the last two weeks and for whatever strange and weird reason it makes me feel good. And happy. And makes me smile. This is too good to be true.Really this is crazy. Almost ludicrous, I honestly barely recognize myself anymore. Prancing around doing laundry in my bikinis I have not worn in a year or two.

And the trick to it all has been realizing as a Mother I will always always have to ask them twice and three times. Nagging is part of parenting. I have resigned to it as long as they are living under my roof. It is just not going to happen that they will do stuff on their own all the time without being asked (they will sometimes but not always).

I am resigned. I have accepted it. I have adapted. I have joined the normal human race.

(Don’t worry too much-the soccer hockey part I would not change a thing…not for us. My kids are super sporty and just won 1^st place in  just about everything at Camp Olympics so I guess it all worked out ok. They are still athletic and well-rounded and we all get to sleep in until 10am on weekends and have leisurely family dinners together most nights of the week) This formula won’t be changing anytime soon.

 

PS-if this blog has been boring you to death lately I do apologize. It has been a way lately of sorting in my head what has been brewing. Forgive me? 

Diaper Days

When you look at your children..you don’t only see the people they are now…but everything they were, they are, and they have been -all rolled up into one. Each thing they do you remember that little baby face peering at you through the bars on the crib, the chubby toddler hands reaching up for the coffee table, the arithmetic being learned and the first book he/she read at school.

So it doesn’t matter if now they are not those kittle babies and kids –they will always be to you.

I was looking today and how much our vacations have changed at your cottage over the years. I compare my life to my friend the same age as me who has three young children under the age of 5 and I keep saying “I remember that exactly!!!”

Today was not the day after homecoming I expected and anticipated. I had a very grumpy and rude teenager on my hands for more than 24 hrs. after camp…. one aloof on, and another one fairly neutral. A list of a thousand fun things to do and eat and no keenersL Things changed mid day today (thank goodness) Everyone got back into he family groove vs the peer grove and we had a wonderfully relaxed day. But a different day. Very different.

Music is the new thing around here. Loud loud loud music being blasted and danced too all day long. Not as much tube rides coveted. Lots of Jacuzzis outside (with music blaring) Lot of snacks being taken without permissions, lots of boys naked doing dishes!!! Laughs in the grocery stores all together (on attend le gros party ce soir???) Huge and over an hour long conversations at the dinner table from engineers to funny first names. Tons of laughs.

And the camp talk comes slowly out. And the girls and boys they like. And the slow song comes on and they all show us how they danced with their partners. One asks to turn it off as it makes him sad to miss her. Lots of asking when we will be going home so they can see their friends and new girls. Sorry kids two more weeks here! Poor you!

Very very different than when they were little.

Boys inside with their Dad now watching a violent, volatile, prejudiced movie together and laughing. Beauty and I cuddle out here in the porch all bundled up on our computers. Times are changing.

And as much as they confuse me sometimes. I love these times. Adore them with the same fierce love that I have loved all the stages. Each in a different way.

Laundry together, groceries, whipper snippers. Another post on that later as our lives are changing. Big changes. No more housekeeper!

Savvy and I texted this morning and she said something very true. The next 5 years are like being back to diapers and sleeping at night. Back to a territory that is unfamiliar and that we have to learn. That we have not mastered yet. All new.

The alienation after camp, the difficulties with transition, the talking back, the sullen attitudes. All part of the packages that comes with hormones, independence and adolescence. If you can hack it and tolerate there is always a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. You just have to wait for it to get a peek…and then expect the clouds to return again, with glimmers of sunshine in between. Many breaks of sun.

It’s all about expectations. All of it. The last 6 yrs have been pretty stable and easy. Now there is some turbulence. And there will be plenty more. I think we always wrongly assumed that we were fairly done at this point and things would be smoother.

Not so.

So as I adjust to slow dancing in the kitchen and having to come outside to talk to my husband and away from the music, as I lose my rights to fun family movies and as kids get taller than me each day and my shoes too small for them. As they take all my best hoodies, and stay up later than me. As we throw out all the chewable medication in the house and they take on their own laundry..

I smile.

I adore.

I feel blessed.

That we are all still together. As a family. Intact. In love.

A blessing on every count.

Every step of the way.

This Wonderful and Crazy Stage

I am sure that you notice on my blog that I often refer to this stage of my life as different and unique from other stages I have passed through as a parent. Often I actually wake up in the night and think”I have a 15 yr old??? How did that happen? I am just a baby myself!!!!”

And being a Mom to a 15, 13 and 11 yrs. old is a very unique stage of life. The boys are both teens and my girl being the last of three has approached teen hood earlier than the boys. She is more advanced than they were at her age. I consider that so far I have one real teen, one young teen and one tween. In a few years, I will be fully at the teen stage and for now I am part way there I am guessing. I am certian there is a lot ahead for me to still discover.

And it really is a distinct stage. Newborns were a distinct stage for me and so were toddlers when they learnt to walk and crawl. Then as they started grade 1 and were true school age. But between those phases….it was not as particular and memorable for me as it is now. When they turn 11-13 (it hits at different time for each kid) everything changes as far as I am concerned.

I have to say all in all I adore being a Mom to tweens and teens. To me so far it is probably the stage I get the most joy out of besides maybe little tiny babies. I always knew I would be good at this stage because I am better emotionally than I am physically. I did not love running after kids running into the road or toilet training or reading fairy-tales over and over. However I love analysing my kids, being in sync with them, helping them get it right and handing down values. And I love the feeling of emotional connection we have now. I am good at solving problems and they are good at bringing them my way! Having teens is like having complex, intricate problems to help solve day after day and this is right up my alley although thoroughly exhausting.

I love watching my 15 yrs. old grow and change and develop. It is such a privilege. And handing him more and more responsibility each day. I love watching him succeed and fail (I never thought I would get through this point but I am inching my way here!) He and I have a wonderful and loving bond. A unique and cherished relationship. He confides in me, relies on me and respects me. I adore this child and always have.

He also makes me crazy. He drives me nuts. Makes me worry all day and night and completely lose control (not in a good way) often.

My 13 yr old is also wonderfully connected and open for a boy his age. He is affectionate, caring, open, confides in us a whole bunch of things. He is bright, curious and driven. He and I have gotten super super close in the last couple of years especially as we worked out conflict between us and how to deal with it. We have very different personalities but connect in such close and cherished ways. He has always been the one I picture taking care of us when we are old (I won’t let him). He will be the one that keeps the closeness and traditions and the family bonded.

He also drives me bonkers and his head is as hard as a rock. Living with him is often an infuriating experience as he is always right in his mind.

My 11 yrs. old is the most complex of the three. She can be the sweetest, most caring most wonderful person and then she can quickly turn on you and push you away. She can be very distant. We have always been working on this and it comes back just as we seem to solve the puzzle. It may also be a girl thing as she is Daddy’s little girl which leaves me out of the loop and love often. She idolizes her Dad and if she even hears anyone saying he will get old one day she covers her ears and screams “No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I always thought I would be closer to a girl then boys but with her she naturally veers towards her Dad. We love each other a ton and share so much happiness together but I haven’t got that “total click” with her (yet) that came so naturally with the boys and I am very motivated to get it fully soon. I have not fully figured her out in the way I have my boys and I certainly intend too. She is a beautiful, sweet complex girl and I look forward to the challenge of accessing her unique and wonderful personality fully. Don’t get me wrong ..we are super close…..she tells me everything and we have a great relationship..I just know that there is way more ahead for us. Also my expectations are high-I speak to my own Mother everyday or more and that is not often enough for me!!!!!

With my daughter it is also that in some ways she was brought up differently. Less structure and discipline with her as the last of three with two tired parents by the time she came around. I am certain this has had an effect…a post for another time. But I am only really realizing this now and coming on strong with the structure and the discipline that I realize has really benefitted the boys. Even the boys comment all the time “Mom! Put her on a time out! Do something!” It proves to me 100% that discipline and structure =security and ease.

It makes me sad to think that I did not give my daughter the pleasure of enough times outs,enough discipline, enough structure that she likely craved and needed. Kids who don’t get this often interpret it as a lack of love L((((  (she got a lot don’t get me wrong but not at the level of her two older brothers with 99% consistency and effort)…and that is not fair.

So on teens and tweens I find them unbelievable creatures and I love having them around. Don’t let anyone tell you to dread these years…they are amazing. And equally scary and worrisome and complex and crazy. Just like real life-a series of ups and down and twists and turns.

And the biggest advice I can give you???? Set the stage early for this difficult stage of development. Get your act together and your energy together well ahead when they are little and pay attention, teach them well, spend time on them, and provide them the structure and discipline that all kids crave. Close and connected is only one part of the game-these kids look up to you and need your wisdom, your warnings and to lead them though life. They are counting on you and serve them well.

Trust me I know. Now that I have kids this age I can see where I succeeded and see where I went wrong and I can see the impact and effects on them. And it is never ever too late to change dynamics with a child or relationships but much harder when you and your kid are in a set pattern. It is certainly achievable at later ages but will demand a lot more of you and your child.

And never ever think that providing structure and strictness and discipline to a child is harming them. It is the exact opposite-not providing it they will perceive as a lack of attention and love. I have seen it time and time and time again. Over and over and over in other families and in my own. What you do in the early years is directly linked to the tween and teen years. So plan it out and think longer term and you will all win.

Seriously..I promise.

 

 

Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake

It was such an unforgettable moment.

One I had read about many times in books and perhaps even saw on TV once or twice.

And it got to happen to me. I got to be the courageous hero.

I kicked my two boys out of the car!

And made them walk all the way home!

With their ski boots on and up a few big hills!!!

It was amazing.

There they were being so rude and obnoxious and insulting me about my driving. It seems to be their new pastime in life making fun of me in a really mean way. Even Bear too who is usually much sweeter.

So I was totally calm most of the way and really calm in my brain too. Hardly irritated when I got fed up-I parked the car in a driveway of a cottage far away and looked at them both and said” Get out of my car”

The looks on their faces were priceless. Priceless!

They said they would not get out and I started counting calmly to ten. I told them that if I reached ten and they were not out that they would accept the “other” consequence. That seemed to scare them enough. Bear asked to change boots and I ignored him and peeled away in my (minivan).

Of course they called my husband and when I pulled into the cottage driveway he gave me a look of “what the hell happened?”. He was on my side. We were united. He agreed that I may not be the most confident driver, but I am safe and sweet and good enough. He got brownie points. Jacuzzi tonight sweetie?

I loved seeing the boys come home down the big hill stomping their feet. It was like a good scene from a movie. I think they were swearing and cursing and maybe even threw my ski boots around the garage, but I simply ignored them.

It was one of the first times in my life I was able to pull off what the books tell you to do with teens every day. Never let their reactions to consequence you impose get to you. Don’t lose your power.

So they are still not speaking to me, nor am I to them. It has given me a chance to get some blogging done, read a good book and relax a bit. They are studying upstairs still will smoke coming out of their ears.

I figure by 6pm it is time for a hug and an episode on the couch of Survivor. With a little family cuddle.

I am proud of me. Very very proud. Today for some strange and weird reason I was able to control my temper and reactions. I did not let them push my buttons. Why today? Who knows? Probably just coincidence right?

All I know is that this Mama Bear got it right today. Calm and silence are the most powerful tools we have as parents. I am going to try my hardest to use these much more often.