I Am a Writer…

I always have a bit of pressure on me now on January 31 it seems. It is the date last year and this year and likely every year from now on that for Valentine’s Day my husband makes a beautiful hardcover book for me as a gift. A printed book of my blog for the year.

We don’t just randomly print a blog book any day. He does it January 31 systematically and with tradition and purpose. This is the way he and I do things and my blog book is no exception to this rule.

He has been asking me this month..”Will you make the last blog entry special on Jan 31^st since it is the last one of that book?”

(No pressure sweetie really).

It is also the anniversary of my Dad’s death on this date. A confusing yet important milestone in my mind. One that brings up many things.

So as I reflected on what special and intriguing blog I could possibly write, I decided to reflect more on what has really, really been intricate and different about this year for me. What has stood out? There have been two things and surprisingly neither has to do with parenting or work. Very unusual indeed for me.

The first is the depth of the friendships I have right now in my life. I have been part of both significantly deepening existing ones and replenishing and nurturing other ones. I have also made  a couple of new wonderful and forever friends over the last two years . I feel so happy in this part of my life and circle right now and feel like it is something that I have always and desperately wanted. I have found my place in my friendships. I am deeply happy on this level. I have what I have always wanted and need and I cannot even begin to express how complete this makes me feel. I feel like I am uncovering a whole other side of myself through these deeper connections. I for the first time in my life in so many ways feel I am supporting others and feel fully supportable by others too. I am sharing in ways I have never before. I am sharing myself fully and asking for exactly what I need. The benefits of this process are far beyond my wildest imagination. Much of the same process is occurring with my husband and each child too. It is not new but it is deeper. Everything is deeper around me.
I have let deep in.

And my second occurrence is that I have realized I am truly a writer. It even makes me feel strange and shy and a bit odd to write that sentence as I do not identify with it (yet) hardly at all.

But I am most definitely a writer. As I read back on two years of blogs and the passion I felt in writing them I know that. As my Sister Savvy led me to this amazing blog writing experience and helped me to discover this for myself, I knew I was a writer As I spent  many afternoons over this decade on my boat in the summer, my hair blowing in the wind and sentences and phrases and paragraphs swirl though my mind it is clear to me that I am a writer.. 

As I reread for the first time the three completed chapters and bios and  book summary that I put together, (and of which two people in my life had to probe and push me to finally send them because they were dying of curiousity to see what I was working on)……I read the words last night with pride and joy. And I realized I am actually a writer. By the end of 2013 I will very likely have my name as co-author with a very well-known person on a published BOOK! My first book!

And it will be they first of many books for me of that I am clear. As hard as this process it and time consuming and eating up much of my spare hours on weekends and in the evenings, as much bureaucracy as writing a book is…I simply love it. I cannot imagine my life without a book in it actually anymore. And this is not even MY book. It is someone else’s that I am contributing to and partnering with to bring to life.

I have two more books and beyond just waiting to be written by me. They are so clear in my mind right now and have come to life for me very clearly over the last few months. I am excited to write them over the next 5-7 yrs.-very excited.

So yes I am a writer. And I will never ever be the type of writer who does this full time or even part time. As it will never replace my job or my career. It will be a few hours a week for many years of my life. It will be an in between activity and not an all-consuming activity.

 I will never be the type of writer that thanks everyone and everyone for pouring over their work and guiding them as my work is mine and is mostly for me for the moment. For me writing is not about getting it right, it is about getting it out of myself. For now anyways. It’s a bit of trial and error for now. Getting it to sound the way I want it to. Letting this incredible process unfold before me and with me in it. Letting my dream take shape and change directions many times over.

I can feel the future and it is friendly. I have a hobby! I have a passion I think! I have found something that relaxes me in many ways (and stresses me out of my mind in other ways!)

And my Dad was a writer. A GREAT writer. A known and expereinced and published many times over writer. And for years and years and years I denied myself this part of me because it was part of him and I wanted so desperately to be different than him.

But I have this part of him in me.

Is this the sign he sent me?
The gift he left me?

If it is I am ready to receive it. As Soulkeeper told me two years ago in my driveway with two babies in her hands “You are a writer” with her sweet and serious expression. With conviction. Sweetly. With truth. Even though she knew this would not be perceived as a compliment at the time.She did not care-she needed to tell me.

And I am one.

At every funeral there are always eulogies. My Dad had many people give one including his three children. And each eulogy has it’s moment …where everyone cries because what is said is touching and real. In my eulogy there were so many parts about my Dad, I was very honest and forthright about the complex and difficult relationship we had together and lack of one in mnay ways. It was a tough and freeing experience to say it aloud in front of so many people. To be heard and understood and to be able to have the words to both be true and real but also to have my father cherished and understood.

But the end of the eulogy was about me. Even if it was my Dad’s eulogy.My last line even if it was his funeral, was about me.

And since that day two years ago I have had almost everyone in attendance mention that line to me and the impact it had one them. I remember looking over at two of my beloved friends and seeing how it impacted them because they knew what it meant to me to say it aloud. A promise really.

“Dad..... is now time to put ink in my pen and allow music back into my heart”

I am now certain that that was my sign. That was the gift I was left. The gift of getting to speak about me even when I was supposed to be speaking about my Dad. My Dad giving me back to me.
My Dad being a Dad to me in death when he was not fully able to be in life perhaps? I seem to have some kind of comfort in making wishes and somehow hoping my Dad will make them come true. Today I made four and out them on little heart stickies right into his Urn on my fireplace as the first thing as I woke up this morning.
 

Yes..I am a writer. Among many, many other things.

Goodbye January 31^st

Hello:

“More Life, Please!”
 

 

 

Pretty Teachers, Scrabble Slam and Empowerment

ADD so far is a journey..and one with so many pieces and twists and turns. And like any journey you feel yourself anchor and the slip away and then come back again. And hopefully you enjoy the ride.

Despite many obstacles and challenges I am enjoying the ride of this and so is my son.

Why is that you may ask? Because it is making me grow as a Mom and I also love new parts of my son emerge. He is like a little flower and blooming through this experience. Sometimes wilting, sometimes growing. It is actually quite beautiful to watch.

What makes me the most proud (and yes I use that word a lot because I have come a looooong way baby in two years) is the way I am handling this all. That I have truly come complete with his capability. I believe in him. I want him to succeed. I want him to fail. I want him to feel joy and I want him to experience sadness. I really do! I have arrived at my destination! OMG! OMG! (insert little happiness dance here)

Not only do I expect the ups and downs of life for him and my two others now-I actually enjoy them as I know they are a necessary part of their development. Does it mean my heart does not break? No! But is breaks a little bit less. I seem to be toughning up and this is what you need as a Mom. Someone who can handle your life.

So the “great accommodations” at the school have proved less than great in some instances and very good in others. Sitting outside in a busy hall to do an exam is not an isolated room! No my son cannot wear 100 lb construction earphones and helmets in class to do quiet work!!!! Yes it disturbs him when the secretary chats with him about his day during a final!!!

But..these are good people. They want to help..they just are not used to this. And they have chosen the right family to partner with..because neither are we. And we are more than willing to be the pioneer. It has perks!

So it is a journey that can break my heart on some days an lift me up soaring on others. And like all journeys there is a destination that you and your child were always meant to arrive at together. The teacher appears when the student is ready.

Meeting again with the principal have taught us how supported we all are, natural maturity and self-confidence have taught us to be happy that we said no to the drug for the moment to watch this process unfold naturally, focus on un vrai education vs marks has expanded our understanding of what a student needs to learn in school, relationships with teachers and principal have been an amazing experience for my son as he both advocates for himself and stands up for himself as well as charms the pants offthese people with both his charisma and humor.

Everything I have taught and hoped for in my son is coming out now…in a situation that is far from easy..far from predictable. My son is rising up to the plate and I am in awe. Resilience is being created before me.

So I will cry in bed at night for some little parts that I know hurt and make life tougher at such a delicate stage of life for him, but I have chosen to embrace the parts of all of this that are beautiful to watch unfold and will add them to my little book of awesome.

A text from Chases telling me he went to the principal’s office just to say hi (and play scrabble same hahah!)

Chase telling me last night that it was such a busy day because he had recuperation at lunch and tutoring after school and no break. When I asked why he needs to go at lunch was he asked by the teacher? He said “Mom it was voluntary-have you seen my French teacher???:)))))) Bless the heart of teachers who are babes!!!

And mostly I will despite all the pain and setbacks and sadness that surround a child struggling in school and sometimes life in general, be grateful for the son he is and the parents we have been to him when he turns to me this weekend by the fire and says:

Mom it is all going ok you know. It is hard…but even if I am singled out and put in the busy hall to do exams, I understand more how my brain is working and not working sometimes. I like knowing this and it makes me feel good. I like knowing you know and the teachers know. I feel good.

Music to my mommy ears. And the articulation of it makes me feel like I have done something right in this kids life and that will always keep me smiling. He is a good kid and I am 100% sure he will become the incredible man he was always destined to be. Under our watchful (but believing) watch.

Resilience  being created through experience.

My Own little book of Awesome

 

I have always been a very grateful person. That is what happens to a kid whose parents never drove or had a car.

As the day this week of the anniversary of my Dad dying approaches ,I think of him and also think that he had this quality too and like me little things good please him. At his funeral nearly every one the people there spoke about this quality about him.

So in honor of him, I am adding a new label to my blog which will be “little book of awesome” and in it I will here and there write down some stuff that really and plainly pleases me.

Today’s entry begins with:

Sleep

I love sleeping. I think often in my racing mind as I try to fall asleep or in my racing mind after I get up to pee in the night and can’t fall back to sleep…how grateful I am to have sleep. It is such a simple yet effective gift to have the opportunity to lie down at night and rest our bodies. It really is quite a luxury when you think about it isn’t it?

Often I visualize that everyone around the world gets to do this each and every day and what a little break that must be. Some with more luxury and blankets than others, some after a hard day at the office and some after a hard day working in the sun in the fields. But rich or poor we are all entitled to some sleep and I think that is pretty cool. So nice for the brain and body to be expected to rest.

I think sleep is awesome and I covet it and want more. I have never taken sleep for granted and treat it more as a treat than my intrinsic right. I don’t allow myself enough of it and I really should.

My biggest goal when my kids were little was to give them and me the gift of sleep. No matter how many people I talk to or coach and try to understand various perspectives, I will never eervr understand why so many people around this globe allow kids to stay up late way past their bedtimes or make then stay awake & engaged when all the poor kid want to do is fall asleep. Adults need kids to sleep and kids need to sleep. Sounds like a win- win to me?  It is bad for marriage, bad for the kid, bad for the family and an all-around health  and life disaster waiting to corrupt when kids don’t sleep properly.

It is one of those things in coaching that I must just feel compelled to say.

Stop it.

Sleep is awesome and I love it. And that is why it is the first entry of “my own little book of awesome”

Wanna Talk about COLD????

It’s always really pleasant to show up at the ski hill where the three loves of your life ski alone and see the place packed with ambulances and fires trucks and complete chaos.

Just adds that extra dose of stress you need to a perfectly ordinary day. Just to make sure you are kept on your toes just in case you were getting bored of a bit of welcome relaxation on a Saturday!

Yes my eldest son and my daughter got caught on a chairlift that ceased to function. Not together. For over 2 hrs. In minus 25 below freezing cold. Happens once in about 4 years and has never happened to any of their friends. It happened to them.

My middle son was the moderator texting us and calling us at the cottage and telling us all about it. You know when you kids are really getting older when your husband turns to you and sleepily says “does that mean I can nap longer since I don’t have to go now and pick them up”?

So they were saved by the many volunteers and ski patrols, and fireman, and instructors, Blankets and chocolate bars thrown up in the air. It was the adventure of the year.

Beauty cried just in order to ensure she was not saved last but really she loved the experience. She has never imagined the chocolate bars could fly so freely in the air. And Hotpads too-two of her favorite things in life.

Chase faced one of his two biggest fears getting stuck on chairlift or in an elevator. He was with 3 girls from his pre monitor group so admitted to having to hold in his tears and was mostly silent he said.Except when the girls made him speak of slapped his leg to ensure circulation.

Both were frozen and scared. When they got home Beauty and Bear and me and Hubby in Jacuzzi to warm up and Chase in shower alone to get over his panic alone. After a nice shower he was pretty much back to normal. Both were exhausted that night from being in the cold for so long and fell asleep on the coach while we had guests for dinner.

Oh ya and then Chase kicked Bear in the face "by accident" Trouble is Bear had a mouth full of brand news sparkling and senitive braces. Blood poured, he cried. Lets; just say our guests might not be coming back to visit us for a while!

When I asked Chase what made him the most anxious about the day his answer was clear: “I was worried about my sister. I wanted to make sure she was ok.I worried about where she was every single second since I could not see where she was exactly ”

 

Awww…..so sweet. He will make a wonderful Dad one day. And I am glad he is starting to realize how much worry goes into being a parent (usually..when you are not busy napping as a parent)

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

No this gorgeous title is not mine. It is a book from the author Katrina Kenison that I have been devouring over the last month. I have read two out of three so far and look forward to the final one.

In doing so I have been taken on a journey of gratitude. For my life, for my family, for my work and for everything else that I so often take for granted.

Today was a perfectly ordinary day at the cottage and what I have realized is that this is what I crave. Just the gift of a plain day. And my husband feels exactly the same way-we both discussed this skating hand in hand today.

As we get older (ok now I sound officially more than 40!) I am learning to listen more to body mind and heart as far as my preferences are concerned. We have been learning that although we might appear a bit boring lately, we are very content just doing what we do best: hanging out and being with each other.

There were years of our lives where we craved seeing others, craved filling in time with more exciting things to do, when we wanted to go out instead of staying in. Where we entertained much more than we do now and seemed to have much more time to share. We were always homebodies to some degree but not to the level we are now. Something has changed for us in the last year or two making our time feel more precious and our preferences to hunker down and stay home as often as possible just the five of us.

Maybe it is having two in high school now? Maybe one in ski competition? Maybe the carpool we lost? Or the family nights, surprise dinners and 1-1 dates that are more deliberate and take up more time? Maybe our jobs are more demanding? Maybe we are just getting older?

Very likely is it that our 5 days a week careers are so much more than jobs. They suck every ounce of energy out of us and are intellectually very demanding. By the weekend there seems to be nothing left. We love our jobs, but just like private school, they come at a cost too. Choices that have massive benefits but also come at a sacrifice especially as far as energy is concerned. That being said we would never change our careers.

So whatever the reason today was just cozy and nice. Our boys both in final semester exams studies most the day. 1.5 hrs on. 1 hr off. 1.5 hours on. 1 hr off. Chocolate croissants in between and bread with creton. Turkey aruglas sandwiches at the counter by candlelight at lunch. Girl picked up and dropped off to skiing with hot chocolate and reading by the fire après ski. A long skate hand in hand with Hubby and a long uphill walk back to the cottage. Hubby cross country skiing back to the car when I organized the dates of our Spring weekends to ensure we get to see all out family and friends and make time for thing important to us. Working on the computers and ending the day in the Jacuzzi with a martini (him) and lemonade (me). Showers and lists with the kids to start the week of well and organized and smelling fresh. Chicken burgers and homemade tabouli.

Orange sherbet with lime yogurt and mini colored marshmallows for dessert.

I look at the lives of some of my colleagues and some of my acquaintances who go activity to activity, have friend after friend as guests in their home, go event to event, one hockey arena to another…and I think “that is not for me..right now anyways” I admire them a bit, I am in awe of them a bit, and I also feel sorry for them a bit too.

Are they happy? Are they drained? Have they made deliberate choices or did life just happen to them in that way?

It always takes me a bit by surprise that my husband and I are so content and always have been with the gift of an ordinary day. My kids seem to follow suit and that also makes me happy. And although I am surprised, I am also very content that what pleases us most in live it seems is the simplicity we each provide each other. One to the Power of Five (maybe our new family motto because it always comes back to that and that only really).

And when things change, as they surely will…my hope is that I can move into the next stage of life, with the grace and gratitude and appreciate all of the gifts of ordinary days ahead in all of their diverse and unique splendor.

 

 

 

 

BRFWA

Breathe. Relax. Feel. Watch. Allow.

I read this and I love this.

Isn’t it interesting how we can bucket most of human suffering into the bucket of wanting to be in a different place than we are? Or have something else than what we have? Or wish things were different than they currently are? For me it is an enlightment to realize that so much hurt and pain could be alleviated  by simply allowing ourselves to be where we are in the present. Not pining away and wishing for something  other than this exact moment as it is occurring to us.

Not moving too quickly into action before we fully feel and not moving too quickly ahead towards a new and better feeling before letting our real one through first.

This is sort of what I have always had against rose color glasses. To me it is repression. To just be in a crappy place where you know it is crappy, everyone else around you thinks it is crappy (and knows you think it is crappy) but you put on and fake that it is great and wonderful! That to me is no BRFWA. And that is what has turned me off of a whole slew of blogs this year which I discontinued reading. Give me a dose of reality please? Maybe just once a month or something to keep me going?

However there is beauty in feeling. And allowing. And being able to move on from it consciously. To choose to move on and still allow the feeling. To watch what happens when you let yourself experience sadness and pain in your life. And even better let someone else listen to you and hear you and be there for you.

BRFWA. I have gotten so much better at this over the last year and I am so desperately proud of myself of this. They always say the teacher appears when the student is ready and boy have a few made some magical appearances lately! And they are here to stay too! Their teachings are ongoing in my life and I look back and wonder how I could have possibly survived without them.

Recently in a situation that happened with my husband I took the BRFWA approach over the course of a day and it helped me a lot. Those around me to whom I confided the story said “omg..That is a tough situation!” But I let myself relax about it and really deeply feel  sad and mad about it, I watched how I reacted and behaved and what I felt like doing and I did it, I allowed myself to behave in a why that was contrary to how I usually deal with things. I allowed tenderness and forgiveness where a grudge normally resides. I allowed a different part of myself to emerge. Even if that surprised myself. And I am sure shocked my lucky husband. I was tender even under the hardest of circumstances. OMG! WTF? (sorry I swear when I am in shock)

So the next time you are asked what you feel about something and you respond “I don’t know because I won’t let myself think about it” or “that is too much for me to handle so I try not to feel it” or “I can’t deal with that right now-it is just not me to allow myself to think about that”…..

Try to do things differently…and BRFWA…and see what happens. Let someone in. Let your true self in. Let yourself feel, as scary as that might be…let your real self-meet your public persona and see what magic offcurs….let hard things happen.

You can handle it. You can do it. I know you can. Let your angry face loosen up and smile.

And if you can even take it a step further and share that journey with someone around you who loves you. Let them in too.

Let it all be super magical as you watch what you are truly and totally capable of.

Let yourself grow up and bloom slowly and surely.

Grow into your full potential. It’s time now Do it now please?

What am I?

 

I hurt people

I hurt people the most who love me the most

I move people backwards and not forwards

I make others feel sad, angry and lonely

I wipe out and erase good things

I make people forget the good moments

I drain energy and create stress

I create anxiety

I make others want to run away from me and not towards me

I create insecurity

I erase lots of love

I make people question the past, the present and the future

I am cowardly

I am useless

I show a lack of respect

I show a lack of love

I bring people back to square one when they should be at square one hundred by now

I hurt others and I hurt myself

I take good away and leave bad in it's place

 I am: a lie

 

It’s official I have a new full time job!!

Worrying about my kids illnesses and driving them to every specialist under the sun.

It is unbearable. And crazy. And time consuming. I really don’t get it.

We are NEVER EVER sick. What the hell is happening? Is it the air in my house or mold or something???

Anyways give me the ADD, the migraines, the colds, the flus, the gastro. Bring them on.

Keep away the nasty’s ok?????????? That is all I can say.

 

This year is ridiculous just 21 days in.

But…I do have to say that it taking care of these sick children and sick husband and sick me has brought out a very nurturing side of me. It has certainly taken care of my goal to “be present”. That seems to be the only place I am actually present lately.

Interesting enough I read an article this weekend in Oprah this week that probably affected me the most an article has in a while (and remember I read A LOT) It was about a mother who had a daughter who they thought has  a mass on her brain but after 4 months ended up fine. And daughter was fine. And she talks about how even under the most scary and dire of circumstance stop andjust enjoy your children and your time together in the present. Not wallowing in the past or hoping for what was or what might have been. But loving what it.

As crazy as that may sound.

But something about it struck a chord like never before for me and I thought

“How true”

 So today even my carefully laid out day was obstructed by divine intervention and threw me a loop of hours of wondering if Bear was due for a CAT scan of the brain at 4:00pm…..I was able to control my thoughts. And enjoy my boy. And my girl..and my boy. When everything went wrong today, I viewed it from a different lens and I just felt lucky to have the privilege of having them to take care of. I started seeing all the tests I  still have to do with him later this week not as a burden and a worry but as time to enjoy each other and to be with him. Exactly as he is right now.

 

And I was glad to have the ability to joy be thankful for today. Simply that.

And since I wore my magic charm necklace I knew that everything would be perfectly ok. And I still feel sure of that.

I don’t know how long this feeling will last as it is truly foreign to me, but I liked it today and was thankful to have experienced it at all.

For one of the first times, I felt peaceful on a very un-peaceful day.

And strong in the company of me .

The Cost of Private High school

I get asked the question at least once a week: Is it expensive to send your two, soon three kids to high school?

And the answer is yes it is very, very costly.

From the monetary view it takes a toll for sure on the bank accounts (much less here in Quebec since French private education is subsidized by the government) but that is not the cost I am talking about exactly.

I am talking about the sacrifices we all have to make to have them there.

And I never really notice it to the degree I do until we get a break from it all, like right now on Christmas holidays. To put it quite frankly…these kids work their butts off. And because of that the parents do too…and our whole life 9 months a year is structured around the demands of the school put on both the students and the parents.

Each choice we all make for our families in life has cost and benefits. Playing hockey year round comes at a price, soccer in the summer, having a second home, having a competitive gymnast or a daughter on ski team. being actively involved in a church.They can all have huge advantages but also high emotional prices in many ways.

So our school comes at huge costs. When I hear parents of the same age kids telling me there kids had a big week because they had 2 exams and one project due…..I am envious because that is just about every single day in private school. There are no weekends that are without homework. Getting gas at the station has to be times that fit in after skiing as they have to get home quickly and study. At least 6 hrs on most weekends. In exam periods then the entire weekends.

There are uniforms to be pressed and choirs to be sung in. Every sport under the sun is practiced and equipment bought for each. Church is attended in school and 16 hrs. of volunteering per semester required. The list can go on and on and on…

Fundraisers, Everest, mount Kilimanjaro, emails written home daily about progress etc..etc…

So what exactly do we do this to both ourselves and to our children? Is it the quality of education? To some degree…but so much more than that. It is quite plain and simple that they are kept stimulated and alert and distracted and too busy to get into trouble.There is virtually no time to do so…and when there is all their friends are at their own cottages and their own sports with their families. You buy out of lots of trouble in provide school here.

I am sure there is still some, definately, but I can tell you that in grade 9 there are virtually close to zero parties with alcohol, no parties period where kids are getting into trouble, no mall hanging, and not a whole lot of trouble going on. When there are situations like this the kid is quickly given a warning and kicked out of school which happens too.

Maybe in the older grades like grade 10 or 11 you see this more but the school has a huge reputation and all the students goals are to stay there and out of trouble. For whatever reason the kids as hard as they work and as strict as the rules are worship the ground this school sits on. It is the biggest status symbol as a teenager to get to go there.

I speak to many with kids the same age where there are parties to go to and alcohol being drunk while the parents are out or upstairs. Not here, not yet. I have questioned dozens of parents and get the same answer: the kids are too busy to get in trouble. And busy with good things mainly; engagaing and beautiful things.They all talk, the kids, they dream of the alcohol and the drugs…but most of them do not do it or take the chances. For now it remains  all teenage talk and no action.

So is this good or bad? I don’t know…I think good but sometimes I wonder? On vacation right now decorating a Christmas tree, having time to read with the kids by the fire, having time to play outside and shovel snow seems like a huge luxury. And that makes me sad for our lives and our choices. I want this in my life away. I always had it before and I miss it terribly.

From what I have heard however during these turbulent teenage years you often have to choose-the pressure and stress of high performance school and their expectations or the  pressure of peers and parties. You get to sit there and watch the study or you get to worry about them being out late at night. Apparently those are the two choices.

And we choose the education. But it is so very hard on all of us and the times we have to sacrifice for it all.

As I watched Mr. Kruger’s Christmas last night though I thought that many of the choices we make are hard work. The friend that recommended it to me is very religious and I am certain that it is hard work to take the time and commit to the religious education of a family in many ways. It takes time and effort, although I imagine the benefits for that family are also high. We each make our choices and reap the benefits as well as the sacrifices we make to keep them going.

So yes right now with two teens and a tween my kids are very happy to be making gingerbread houses and watching the last episode of Survivor cuddling up to Mom and Dad. Maybe some others their age would not find this so attractive. We are always together so much more opportunities for fights, to quarrel, to debate, to love, to laugh and to enjoy. This family is together almost always. Working, studying, eating, playing in between and trying to extract as many good moments we can from this great life.

So I shall see. And report out in years if private high school was worth it? For the moment my answer would be yes. But we are all exhausted. And spent. And I hope we can all make it through it one piece, Alive and kicking.

With bright futures in front of us. Resilience, Respect. And a massive amount  of high regard for the value of education.

I hope. I pray I am right?.

Also a zero tolerance for bullying which is worth millions and millions of hours in my mind. Nothing to me is worse than bullying. And there is none at this school. The point was proven to me when my son who has some special accommodations at school this week put into place for ADD and I asked him if other kids would bug him about it…he said:

“Are you kidding me? This is College XYZ we are talking about. Noone bugs anybody. Everyone accepts everyone as they are….it is mandatory

 

Filling Up my Love Tank

(This blog was supposed to have been posted in August but I forgot to post it. A special lunch this week with Childhood Wonder made me remember. She was the one a few years back who reminded me how important it is to share with ones close to you when you are going thorugh something important to you and not just share the process after. She showed me that it is ok to take up space when you need it.She reminded me of the importance of both giving and receiving in a friendship.Of trusting a freind to help you. As we sat at lunch talking and discussing about an important issue she is facing now....I thought back to the week before where she so unselfishly also took her time and helped me with an important issue I was facing...and I interally smiled for the good fortune of good friends. For the gift of friendship and for being there for eachother...through life as it occurs whatever which way that may look like)

Below a post of gratitude:

There is this friend I have and she is pretty darn special.

Her name is Chilhood Wonder.

I was reading a book yesterday which reminded me of her a lot. It is called the “Five Languages of Love” and they talk about how some people fill up your love tank and how others deplete them. She most definitely fills mine up.

She and I met in grade 4 and were the best of friends for so many years of our elementary and high school years. For me…she really made these years exceptional. I loved having a BEST friend and she was just that. We shared so much together, I biked fast and furiously to see her new haircut, we spent endless hours at the pool suntanning and talking about the cute older boys, we made up dances and skits and shared nuggets at McDonald’s together with our allowances. We tried to pretend to shoplift a jujube (a post for another time..) and we fought over mattresses, GOD! and swings. We belonged together and to each other and our elementary and high school years were filled to the brim with each other.

She made these years wonderful for me.

Childhood wonder is still a very, very big part of my life. She is one of my most precious friends. There were many years where our lives and our friendship changed…..but love was always there. Always. I knew in a second (and I hope she did too) that we were just a bike ride or meeting half way from each other. Both of us did a lot of changing over those years and our lives are very different still, if I had to say of all my friends who my life is most different from it is likely she and I; which is so funny because we spent so much of our lives growing up together. But these differences never tore us apart…….we continued loving each other and growing and changing in our own lives.

We were always there for each other for the big things and it was always such a comfort. Over the last few years our bond has strengthened a lot and we share so many parts of ourselves with each other. She is my texting buddy, my advisor in many ways for advice, my writing mind and the person I go to when I need to feel understood. She is an amazing listener and helper and sees things in different ways than I do which is so good for me. She is honest with me and honest in what she needs, She takes me out of my warm and comfy comfort zone and shakes it up every once in a while. She ask for what she needs in life…and I admire that so.

When I think of her I think of her parents and how much I adored them as a child. Their bagels with melted cheese, Pac-man, dips and veggies, Trident gum in the drawer. Those memories bombard my mind with comfort and peace and adoration. I loved the tradition their home held, church on Sundays and gin for her Dad in the adult living room at night. Kind words and hugs and gentle probing. Arms wide open for me too…imagine how good that felt?

(See at this point this is where the tears begin to flow as I write. Just thinking of those memories is enough to fill me up and lose it. Part of me growing apart in so many ways from Childhood Wonder and my Soul keeper too, was like a child going into adolescence…differentiating me from the ones I loved for independence and freedom).

In essence-they knew too much. So much more than everyone who met me later on. I am not quite sure with either of them around too often if I would have been able to estrange myself from my Father for the years that I did; to ignore that I was his daughter for such a length of time. They would have reminded me that I needed him back in my life, that I needed a Father..and I was not ready to hear that in those years in my life.

It is not coincidence that at the time I went through the process of forgiving my Father and myself that I allowed Childhood Wonder and my Soul Keeper back fully into my heart. These two events happened simultaneously….as I always knew they needed too. Maybe one day I will talk to these two girls more about this process for me..but for now I will just shyly write about it.

Both these women are strong and gracious and selfless in their affections. Both are able to be constant friends no matter what good or bad things are happening in their own lives. Neither of them ever takes a pause..from either their friendships or their priorities no matter what is going on. Both have been there for me always even when I have selfishly taken my own (needed) pauses.

So Childhood Wonder is still a wonder for me. We are so very different and so very much the same in so many ways. She has never been far-I have dreamt of her so often over the years, she was always so close in my mind and in my heart. And just like her parent’s love and home……her love for me is comforting and warm and secure. That is what she is-someone who loves me for who I am, and does not try to change me but rather patiently waits as I alter myself, and who takes the good with the bad, and who is there a shining force through the good times and bad times that life beholds for us both.

And just like those mini pizzas on bagels, there is always part of me who will run towards this kind of love and another part that will always fear it and run the other way. To be loved fully…..it’s scary in some ways as I grow up and leave my “adolescence “ behind….I realize how much further I have come in running towards things that make me feel good, instead of in the other direction paralyzed by fear that the things I love most will somehow go away..someday. Wouldn’t that hurt way too much?

So Childhood Wonder has been a very large part of my journey. As a woman, as a Mother, as a daughter and as a friend. She likely does not know it yet, but because of her…I have come further than I think I would ever have come without her in my life. A lot further.

And my heart is so eternally grateful.

I adore her baby girl and adore the beautiful and true person she has always been. My hearts aches for her pain in her troubled times and I look forward and forward to all the rainbows that I know are hers. I look ahead for her…because that is what I am good at and I think she understands that she can depend on me for that. That is the way I show love. It is my Love Language.

And this week especially I think of the two of us at Frontier Lodge, sleeping in our bunks and holding hands often….both receiving stickers and letters from our Mommies and sharing their contents. Being there for each other as we were fueled by the strengths of our Moms each in different ways.

And more than anyone I know when it comes to those Moms……..we understand eachother….and we will support each other. We grow up as daughter and as Moms together each in our own ways, because we were taught by two of the very finest of them all. Both fundamentally opposites in so many ways…both so very different…..but both so beautiful, and wonderful and strong.

Just like the two of us.

Learning the Love Lanaguages of the other. Taking some of that vocabulary and adding it to our own mothering suitcases. To enhance and diversify in wonderful and beautiful ways.

Thank You:)

It’s my Hon’s Birthday Today!

 

Happy Birthday to a truly phenomenal guy..truly.

I am going to list a few things that really make my Hon stand out in 5 (ok may be 6 bc I can’t stop!) different categories because he is in his fifth decade: things that truly, truly define him as unique and special.

How he is special as a husband:

-he nurtures us always. He bakes for us, cleans for us, roasts chickens for us, can make any recipe in any book and saves all his moms old recipes and makes them.

- He protect me and the kids all the time from everything

-He gets better every single day of our marriage and cares more each and every day

-He is like a best girlfriend. He listens and cares and talks and gives good advice. Some of the best advice I got in life is his.

-He is really gorgeous. I am sure every client he has in in love with his silvery hair and light blue eyes and gentle smile. He has no idea how gorgeous he is until he comes to my company party and everyone tells him he is hot.

How he is special as a Dad:

-Honestly my kids won the lottery with him as a Dad. They could not ask for better. When he makes mistakes he fixes them, when he has a development area he improves in it.

-He happily drives them everywhere and makes them breakfast

-He loves being with them

-He has never ever ever not come home when he is expected for dinner. He loves being with his family. Home is more important to him than work.

-He does everything for the kids in their lives to provide for them and make them confident and happy.

-Overall he co produced with me three amazing human beings and nothing in life makes me more grateful than this.
 

Special things in general:

-He signs all emails to my Mom with xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxox (I love that)

-is a really really smart and successful guy and scored top in Quebec in his last specialized year in law school and only told me a few years ago!

-he is moving to his own new office in April and I am so excited for him even if the change is scaring him to death now that it is around the corner

-He hates, hates hates change. It is certain therefore that he will never leave meJ

5 adjectives to describe my birthday boy:

Committed

Nurturing

Bright

Gorgeous

Humble

The 5 things I love to do most with him:

Sit at the cottage in front of the fire

Go on the boat and read at the cottage

Skate together holding hands at the cottage

Fall asleep on the bali bed at the cottage

Be on the terrace in Turks and Caicos and watch my man  shake and drink a sexy martini and read a book (not on an I Pad)

I love you!!!!!! Looking forward to lots of fires and cuddles and speaking a whole lot more of your love language in 2013

Love,

Your Pookie Bear Wifey

 (Celebrations included: Traditional Chinese, 1 type of cheese for budget purposes hahah, millefeuille, lovely and thoughtful and symbolic gifts from sister and brother-in law, funny and cute gifts  (and 1 plain wierd gift) and amazing beer glasses form Didi, early wakeup and spoiling from the kids in bed with a funny song and dance from Beauty, speical chicken date with daughter tonight, special and wonderful words and fave Crunchie from Bear, jokes and coupon for cross country from Chase, lots of clothes from me. Best gift? Us going back to bed and sleeping in and extra half hour..) Oh ya and a nice chocolate croissant for coffee at work today

Too Many Sparkles

I think I have mentioned before somewhere (or many times) on this blog that sometimes I wish I was Amish. Not because I like the outfits or anything or share any of the beliefs necessarily but because they have no electricity and above all value simplicity.

I really really need more simplicity in my life.And I have no clue how to get it even after reading Mitten Strings for God. I am hopeless!

Each new gadget I get seems to cause me problems and in turn stress…so what is the point really? I think I have also mentioned that the day that I had to turn in my cherished Blackberry to our IT department was a sad day even if I switched to the IPhone 5. Why? Because at least I actually knew how to use it and it actually worked.

Since then it has been a series of errors and stress. Yes yes it is good and I know how to use it almost perfectly now, but a series of unfortunate events have led to me not having service for weeks and not being able to take any pictures. Also hardly being able to type or book apts, and many autocorrect humiliating situations asking the wrong people to do the wrong things. Hate that autocorrect and if you shut it off too many errors. As my sweet and dainty little fingers I guess are too big for Apple products.

I could not believe that IPhone 5 was being advertised and promoted all over the Bell Center at the Justin Beiber concert and there I was with such a low battery I could not record or call my husband to pick us up aftwards. What is so special about this product? Stick with the IPhone4!!!

So anyways finally I get used to the phone and it’s features. Finally master it so I decide to buy a new case. I mean hell will freeze over before I use the black one that was distributed to us all the same. So I went for the brightest neon orange one I could find (with sparkles and diamonds on it). Ya that one blocked my service almost everywhere. So I returned it and the “nice “ man said he NEVER had that complaint before? Really?-coincidence 4 people behind me all complained about the same problem at their turn.

So I buy another case a bit less flashy and a bit less sparkly that he assured me is perfect. Then I find out two weeks later that the diamonds apparently are ruining any pictures at night. So ya sure it is great if you don’t mind not knowing if the people in your pics are human or gorillas.

So went and returned that one. No luck. The same nice Indian gentleman basically told me to go to hell and just stick with plain black. It is apparently my fault for wanting to be unique and sparkly that causes these issues. Assertive woman I am you can just imagine where this conversation went. Let’s just say I did return the case.

So now I have a new case that my husband chose and it is perfect of courseJ It has service (yay), it takes pictures (yay) and only infrequently sends words like “sex” and “ass” by mistake to my innocent colleagues(double yahoo!)

I still miss my blackberry and it’s purple case that I also gave back by mistake…but at least I can function and look a bit funky-two very important aspects of life for me

And apparently if I want to Twitter every day of the week that I baked a pie or cleaned my car or painted my nails it is really simple to do on the IPhone 5! Who cares people! Don’t you work?????????????????????  

(although haha I guess blogging is equally as time consuming and a whole lot more) so the joke is one me right!)