Special Guests

One part I am loving about having older teens Is socializing . Man is it more fun with the friends of young adults than little kids that I feel compelled to play Lego and crazy eights with !

Last night we had a new very close friend of Chase's  over . In college and univeristy it is hard to to know your kid's friends too well as they are always out and at shows and nightclubs or using the house when we are not here on weekends 

I cornered them on this and made it happen .

He is an actor and in plays but we didn't let that stop us . We had dinner at 9:30pm on a weeknight to make it happen . All of us had activities after school and work that night but we stuck to the plan and made it happen 

I love this guy !!!!!! We had cheese and crackers and veggies in the livingroom and he played piano for us and told us all about his life in Lebanon where his parents and family live .

We had such an interesting and animated evening and it was so fun to get to know someone so different that Chase has been hanging out with lots lately 

He has exposed chase to so many new things : theatre and art and boxing and dance and different  cultures they make a fun duo and pick up a lot of woman together !!! Chick magnets both of them :)

But the best part of evening was how special this special guest made Beauty feel . He was super interested  in hearing her thoughts and ideas and asking her about her views and her boyfriend . I think he sensed beauty's  creative side and they connected on that level . He made her feel like a million bucks . And I felt so happy for her . I remembered as a teenager having two older brothers and how I felt when they paid attention to me and were some of the happiest memories of childhood 

He asked her all about her boyfriend whom she adores talking about and she was telling him she one day wants to marry her boyfriend .  He went with this :) He was telling her that  know that he came to our home for dinner she should now consider him one of her brothers and that he would be there to protect her from harm . The cultures are so different and was super cool to experience his .He also casually mentioned that his family would welcome all five of us anytime in their home in Lebanon 

So he invited Beauty to her dance studio on basement and asked her to show him her dances and they sang together and danced together ( chase too believe it or not ! ) . At first she was so so shy but with a lot of pushing by he and I she agreed . and I let her stay up until 11:45pm on a schoolnight uninterrupted  as I knew she would Remember this forever 

Nobody did chores that night . Our guest was way more interesting 

I felt her glow and happiness all evening of feeling special and paid attention by the 20 yr old friend of her oldest brother 

It was truly a great visit with an amazing guy . I am so happy we prioritized this dinner even if it did happen after a choir practice downtown , a hip hop practice , two busy work days and the house barely having time to be tidied . I love meeting who is important to my children . There is no greater joy in parenting for me I think 

And the visits have been plentiful lately ! Beauty's beau came over for an afterschool visit before they went to his house for his bday dinner . They are so cute together and he is so handsome . There is something so special about him and I really enjoy him 

Bear has his late bday dinner with his BFF who we love and who is coming on our punta Cana trip in a few weeks . He is so fun and we are going to his cottage to have dinner with his parents this weekend

Beauty has had friend after friend over and I have been loving that . These girls are so precious 

I am loving sharing our lives with these young people . It truly is an honour and profound privilege 

What I am loving lately is having them share their lives with me ... Not my idea of their lives .. Of what I want to see .. Or what I planned or intended for them 

Their lives . Letting me see them .

Having young adults on a home is like living in a forum e and all figuring it out together in a messy crazy beautiful way 

This stage ( like most dates of childhood and adolescence ) is my favorite stage. And the hardest 

It's a stage that in many ways I wish could last forever . I have no need for them to grow up too quickly or be very mature and worldly . I am having the time of my life ( on many days ) just watching them goof around and fail and succeed and question themselves and grow up and then grow down a bit . It' s quiet an experience to watch it all . And on many days I want to just throw them all of our the house with the trash !!!

The paradox of parenting is always there for me . Moments like last night make it all worth it . I need to remember to make more time for my connecting to my deepest values ... And last night I felt so complete and fulfilled 

Gratitude

I have so much gratitude lately . I am totally full of thankfulness . Each day there are so many things that I am thankful for and I feel blessed to be in that situation 

That being said -nothing ever makes me more thankful than missing a close call on health . To actually be given good news by a doctor instead of the anticipated bad news .

Today was that day for me 

For the last month Bear has been having almost constant  quite sever stomach aches after eating . We have all been trying to find a pattern , rhyme or reason to this but have not been successful .

He also lost 5 lbs in 3 weeks - not a great sign for doctors in combination with symptoms and family history of disease 

Finally we called doctor and took him in on Tuesday . Due to a family history of Chrones disease in family the doctor wanted him tested and celiac disease too . For some reason I freaked out over these possibilities - especially Chrones . We have had such bad medical news over last three years almost ever time we see a doctor that to me if she wanted him tested - that meant he would be diagnosed . So often in last three years has been hard and bad medical news for our family and my mom . I am just used to bad news 

So I fretted and worried and read 70 articles on these conditions . Sleepless nights last night and felt sick to my stomach myself knowing that the shining star  and such a wonderful guy of our family could have these diseases . I know can seem dramatic ( but maybe not to many of you !) Seems like we all have our things in life that we worry lots about . We all worry about different things that can obsess us ( health , work , kids behavior , divorce , environment etc ) 

Health  of my family is mine .

And then this morning at 11am as I was just about to turn off my phone for 1.5 hrs in  restorative yoga class to try and relax myself and keep sane - the phone rings 

And it has caller id of doctor 

And she says that he does not have Chrones disease !!!! Yay !!!

All the rest of tests come in next week only ( celiac etc ) but I am just so happy we have ruled out the family history one .

I have never had such a peaceful and wonderful yoga class in my life 

And how quickly our minds forget about our worries and go back to the " normal " stuff like grocery lists and work .

That yoga class felt like a gift 

A medical break made me feel so filled with gratitude as we have felt over the last few years that we haven't had much of a break 

Today was ours :)

And then my mind wandered to all the poor people who didn't have great news about their kids today 

Next week we get rest of the results but for some reason I am not half as worried as I was about today

So we still have the pain and issues to deal with but we know he will be ok probably and will in my mind anyways be food allergies or intolerance or IBS vs serious lifelong disease category 

And it meant everything to me today to just have a little break 

Namaste 

Emotional Vulnerability Rules!

You know how everyone says as you get older you get wiser too . It is really really so true .

I am still learning every single day and wiser than I have ever been . I can't even imagine how much wisdom older people have inside of them .

Life .. Truly is our biggest teacher 

The biggest lesson I have learnt over the years ? Be emotionally vulnerable with those you love . Be true . And most of all feel your feelings . The good the bad and the ugly . Don't just talk about them - feel them .

This may sound obvious to many but it wasn't for me . Has taken me years of deep therapy to get here and it feels so good . I have had professional therapy , and lots of informal therapy from many of my friends who are way more emotionally aware than I am . I have also opened up many other friends and colleagues and family with my new found skill and maybe inspired them to do the same .

Soulkeeper provides me some serious tough love and because of her I have grown as a wife , mother and friend . It feels so good .

It's so much more refreshing to lean in than to lean out in love . To communicate fully and be fully human . I have worked so hard to get here . So many years 

Pain demands to be felt 

If there is anything ( and I think most of us have many things ) that you feel is too hard for think  about or feel ... Run ( don't walk ) to your nearest professional or great friend and let it be felt . This is my absolute strongest advice and took me years to do myself ... 

I could talk about pain and problems endlessly . My problem was feeling them . 

Now I can do both 

I had a situation in the last few weeks that brought out rage in me . True rage . Usually rage is felt like sadness to me . Tears and sadness . As I sat on the chair and spoke to my beloved therapist yesterday  that I have not seen in two years there were no tears at all . They were gone . There was rage only and it felt good to express it without fear or judgement . 

Pain demands to be felt 

And the wiser we are the more we get this . I wish had not taken me 45 years 

Style?

Style and Prescence

I took a course a couple of weeks ago on this subject and it was mesmerizing.
I wasn't  just a participant either , i was to some degree being interviewed to see if i would be a good collaborator to join in this organization and deliver this program myself

It has been such a busy month with me flying across the globe on business travel, big contracts at work, getting the two boys ready to leave for their work for the summer , having out of twon guests  in between at our cottage and home.. That before this trip i barely had time to think.

And then i finally did on my way to this program. On  the flight . With my suitcase packed and beneath the plane

I realized then and there - that i also had a style i was bringing didnt I? What was my style?  Usually business travel is easy as i have power business suits for each season and power shoes and power purses that alot of time energy and thought has gone into ( especially since i started full time in my own business i have made dress a big priority)
I am often one of the better dressed in a room full of business people given i am most often the presenter . People often comment on my style and clothes in a  very positive way

But this time  i was thrown offf and in doubt for this trip given the nature and purpose of it and also a phonecall  that had thrown me off just a few hrs before i finalized my suitcase the same morning of leaving

I had carefully packed my two best summer business suits and my hair straighter and my funky heels and nice bags. I even had a new white suit suit that i was going to wear with a red top and red lipstick all packed for the trip
Then the owner of the  program and who i was going to collaborate on this tells me " no suits " it is not the brand. "And she goes on to tell me that she will wear leggings and a funky pretty top and nice heels.

What??????

This was the oppostite of my business education and experience . For years i was the more funky stylish edgy dresser in business and it served me well . Until it didnt . As i became higher in the organziation and also an entrepreneur i realized that i needed to dress more professionally: more conservatively; less edgy and risky ( though always always professional was my look it needed something more added)

So i changed . And suits have become my trademark now and blaxers and edgiet blouses and less funky jewellery .

And here i had to change yet again ?

Where did i go? Who am i now?


So on this plane ride this all occurred to me . When my suitcase was already packed . Because of that converstaion i had 30 minutes to go from power suits to leggings and ended up with s style somewhere in beteeen . A style that did not belong to me . Professional for sure but not me

I got lost

And i had to stay a little lost for two days

While i was likley being critiqued on my presence and style

And she and i talked about it : my hair, my makeup , my clothes. It was enlighning. Feedack is such the ultimate gift.

( ps also my bronzer makeup was taken at the security at aiport as was 10 mls too large)

Pale. Yup!


Looks have always come naturally to me. Not in a bragging way at all - i just mean to say that i have the kind of looks that are somewhat low maintenance. With good clothes on and some mascara and lipgloss i am good to go. I can brush my hair back into a wet ponytail and be fine. I can  wakeup and have 15. Mins  to get ready and put on a suit and cool top and look put together and ready for the day.  Add a string of pearls around my neck and i look polished  and very classy. My looks are very Adaptable: i can get away with many styles

Or so i thought

Until i was called " earth girl"

Oh my...


Yes its time to look at my style and presecence and what i am projecting. Or not projecting. Its time to challenge my assumptions  that at my age i can still get away with the low key morning routine.

Its time to shake it up. I love feeling uncomfortable and exposed : its signifies to me that i am learning

It signififes to me that there is more out there just waiting to be uncovered and learnt

It means i am not dead yet !

Caffeine Laughs

Coffee is a complex thing in our household . I don't drink it . Chase when he started driving ,drinks only ice coffee here and there and the two other kids are too young . Hubby his whole life lived for coffee and has two expensive coffee machines and the best of grinds ; but when he gave up alcohol more than two years ago he also decided to give up caffeinated coffee ( which was a shock to us all )

He now puts de- caffeinated great beans in his machines and lives for that . And sometimes drinks real coffee when at friend's homes or at restaurants or needs a boost to drive late at night .

This has caused major chaos amongst our social network ( even more so than the alcohol if you can believe ! ) nobody can believe we don't drink cofee and coming to our house overnight is a major obstacle  for most!!!

 Many people have asked us if we converted to be Mormon ( other bffs of ours are Mormon and now I have another close colleague who is Mormon and a client who is Mormon so people starting to wonder as I know a lot of Mormons and a lot about them ! ) But nope not -Mormon we swear way too much  and watch too many obscene movies for that plus I think we would need to believe and go to church right ?

So I got empathetic and smart and got some caffeinated coffee in and a cheap machine for these guests. I was proactive and thoughtful right ?

So fast forward two bffs come for a Girls night and day at Trent . We arrive at midnight as long  dinner out and lots of fog . I had emailed them to say " I got coffee for you !! " they were thrilled . They came in door and first thing they did was check out the coffee situation and the machine .

They were not impressed

Let's just say these normally calm polite politically correct sweet woman .. Forgot their usual qualities .

" OMG! WTF is this generic brand of coffee ???? This is horrible ?? How could we drink this ??? This is awful !!!

And I say .. Well look guys there is Nabob coffee too and enough for a glass each ?

 " Nabob ! ?Yuck ! And one glass each ????? That is supposed to get us through the day ? This is a crisis !!"

Well there is a Tim Horton's 5 mins away !

Tim Horton coffee tastes like dishsoap  ! Well maybe that's ok- as better than generic brand !!"

Well look here in back of pantry there is some Dominican Republic expensive grinds !!

" Isn't that two and a half years old from when we went to Punta  Cana !? Coffee has to be fresh !!

Through all of this all three of us are totally cracking up as in cracking up so much all pants were peed . I have known these girls forever and love our closeness honesty and transparency . We have never laughed so hard 

Well maybe only at the resto prior  that evening when they realized I had only milk for their morning coffees and not cream . How dare I ? And depanneurs were closed by then ! How dare they be closed ? So I suggested we take the free creams on the table and ask the waitress for two more. 

Of course knowing they each need 7 for their coffee/!!omg ! Who puts 7 creams in a coffee ????

I am clearly caffeine ignorant !! 

Anyways they went on an on about my coffee  and  I even said I wasn't the one who bought the coffee and was either my mom or hubby and they were in shock . How could any coffee drinker or self loving person buy such crap ? It is just not possible ??? It is impossible actually to buy anything less expensive than van houtte!!

I told them was probably my fault and last few months have been telling my mom when she does errands and groceries for us to save money and buy generic brands of everything . They still held to that it was impossible  that any human being could choose to buy this 

And we laughed and peed our pants some more !!!

I learnt three lessons from this experience :

Always have these kind of friends  in your life where you and they can be totally comfortable and honest at all times without offense ( clearly I have these kinds of friends if I am inviting them back !! )

Never ever become addicted in this way to any substance if you can avoid it . I am so glad we are not and that Hubby  was but was able to give it up . Feels to me like Prison to be so dependant on something and see this craziness come out of these otherwise completely normal women !!!!

 At of course lastly- Never ever buy generic coffee unless you want your friends never to Come back ! Always have an expensive caffeinated non generic  fresh grind on hand for the caffeine addicts !!

And here we thought alcohol was an issue !  Nobody to date seems to give a rat's ass about that one !!!

Love love love these girls and our silly loving comfortable relationship . Our spa day and night was fantastic ( besides the fact that neither of them have caught on that everyone whispers in Nordic baths even though supposed to be silent and who cares if fat old woman stare you down ! ) I may not drink coffee but I do know how to break rules when needed to have some fun!

Getting Our Act Together

There are a few things in my life that no matter how I try and try to put them on my to do list and goals list they  just never seem to happen and if they do - don't last long .

Two of them it seems are happening now 

Not because I am getting more disciplined with good habits but bc I am being forced into it !  And I am starting to think this may be good for me .

1- as any of my committed blog readers know when it comes to domestic home stuff ( cooking , cleaning , being tidy in house , etc )I just can't seem to get my act together. 

Now I do have a few excuses: we do have two homes to take care , my expections of myself are super high, although I am super organized with planning and systems etc not so much with house stuff 

I fall really short on the domesticity level . Let's just say it would not be easy to arrange a marriage for me if I was Indian .

Well this next month my mom who we pay to help out two afternoon twice a month is not well and so not working . So I am taking over and it is hard ! But necessary! And will force me to get better at this stuff . And this time when she is back I am promising myself not to go back to my old bad habits .

We had a family meeting in jacuzzi last night and mapped it all out for the kids and what we would need and expect from them . Whole new life around here and now all will be doing their own laundry ( only one kid has until now ) and oldest kid will be grocery shopping every alternate week .

2 - I have always wanted to spend more alone time with each kid and rarely happens over the years except for a lunch here and there .

Well now It naturally happens as we often have two cars to cottage as son comes later on weekend so I drive home with him alone . Also boys are ski instructors and beauty being certified to be one  so she has Sundays off  .Hubby and I hang out with just her a lot more often and go skiing and skating . Bear starts driving lessons next week so will be lots of alone time in car for a year y his side on learners permit 

It is all just naturally figuring itself out as they get older and we are adjusting and enjoying them one by one in many ways 

So there we go . Baptized by fire !

Now if only the item if " think about a dog , consider a dog,borrow a dog , get a dog"

Could make it from my to do list into reality would be all

Set !

The fact I can't even seem to make time to think about a dog is making it pretty clear to  us all we are not getting one anytime soon !!!

The Loneliness of Raising Adolescents

This morning I am up early. Going through articles on the internet of raising teens, best expert advice, what is normal, what is not? How to survice? How to stay calm and serene and married. I find myself praying often too.

Something has shifted in our family –more than ever over the last 6 months. I try to ask myself what it is exactly. Then I realize: I have TRUE adolescents now. All three of them. Almost 18, almost 16, just turned 14. I remember thinking I had it all under control when they seemed to be almost in their adolescence or partially in it. I remember thinking that 12 was an adolescent or that 15 were like 16 or that 17 were like 18.I am sure as the cycle continues I am only up for harder stuff as truly each day still takes me but surprise. Each day is like opening a raw wound. For them and for us. I think our 18 yr old was older to peak at adolescence. I think our middle son right on trach and our youngest well ahead of her peers on that creepy adolescence phase.

I can now say of the last 6 months that I truly know what people mean about how hard raising teens is (especially three of them at the same time). I get it now where I did not fully a year ago. I am sure I will get it even more in a year or two.

We visited our amazing friends in Toronto who also have three teens and two younger pre-teens. (A post on our visit there coming up) but what hit me the most was the vast difference between all the teens and then her 12 and 10 yr. old. The two youngest still look engaged and happy and excited and young. Happy. The rest? Well they all and acted like teens (except her step-daughter actually who on many levels was the happiest one of the bunch but she still had that overall teen look and quality) . The rest of our combined 6 teens looked like they had gone from children to teens. It was as different as the visits of the past as younger children or pre-teens. They had all changed so radically both physically and emotionally. It was beautiful to watch-and scary too.

And I know there is more to come. Imagine our next visit when likely most will be 16/17/18 (a big difference than 14 and 15 from my experience so far). Imagine then??????

Having teens is so so exhausting and hard. For me it is the loneliness and alienation that really defines it. The way we feel often like yesterday’s trash as a parent, the way we suddenly cannot find a way to communicate to them effectively, the way we don’t feel appreciated or honored or respected so often. It is alienating and lonely. Your sweet child becomes a monster overnight in so many ways.

As my husband said of our movie night with our boys last night “I feel so lonely” Me too, Hon.

And then amongst this all are glimpse and snippets of the wonderful family we have always had. The family dinners, the great traditions the still I love you before beds and the opening up about their lives at tuck INS. There is great stuff still there-but it is still much harder to access. So much hard to get more often. Sometimes we give up as we are just too tired from trying so often. But when it is there is it so comforting and amazing and wonderful. They have all shifted to their peer groups.

And then there is the thing for mr which is hardest than anything else is seeing them hurt so much. Seeing their internal turmoil take them over, their internal chaos stays chaos. See the pain and the hurt and the reality of real life of loss of rejection of failure eat away at them. And they are not mature enough or capable really of handling it. But the problems remain there to deal with. I hate watching people I love hurt-it is by far my biggest weakness.  

I am not sure I know what it is so be a true adolescent. I think I experienced my adolescence much more in my 20’s and early 30’s than I did in true adolescence. I was preoccupied with making sure my parents never felt the rejection alienation, loneliness and the  sometimes even rudeness and slight almost  bullying that we are experiencing now from our three children in many ways. I was not as courageous as our three children nor did I perceive my environment as a child or teen secure enough for me to rock the boat to that degree. I did not hold my mother capable of feeling such alienation and loss and grief and bad attitude from me (where as I am sure in reality she would have coped just fine). My father was mentally ill and often openly  sometimes even suicidal (which I think was a threat more than a reality) I don’t think was even in the picture of my adolescence or would have cared much what I felt or did not feel as a teen as he was largely preoccupied with himself most of the time at a time when the focus should have been on me I felt in my home for whatever reason accurate or not that there was not a place for the period of my own adolescence. My job was to build up my parents feeling of comfort and security and not to tear it down.

In marriage that changed as I married a very very stable man of 12 yrs. older and wiser than me that I felt fully capable of being alienated, bossed around a little acted out uponJ  That stage thankfully is over and there was enough unconditional love around for us to make it through and for him to forgive me in many ways.

And teens will be teens we all know that. This too shall pass we all say as our mantra. But as my friend so eloquently said the other day” there are normal teen issues and then there are the factors that make it even so much harder and she is right. Many of us feel that we have those circumstances in our lives. Not only do we have to raise teens which is already difficult enough in and of itself but we have extenouss circumstances beyond our control  that can make it feel even more like a living hell some days of the week. A step parenting situation where the biological other parent is a mess and has completely immature and harmful laissez faire and polar opposite expectations and rules or lack of them that runs like poison through a teens tempted veins. Another friend I have whose daughter has severe anorexia and which defines the family in every shape or form. Another friend I have whose daughter is obese and has to deal with this on top of everything else which affects her socially to a large degree and she has an utter lack of confidence . The list goes on and on of people I know who deal with all the normal obstacles of teens and then have their share of added layers of complexity to deal with.

We too certainly feel we have been handed our own added layer of complexity in all of this. Our daughter with scoliosis is a big one. We often ask ourselves how she would be if she was not in brace 20 hours a day? Each time I write this my heart breaks as I just want this nightmare over for her. I want her free and out of this prison in her body. I want her mind not to have to go to deep dark places each 6 months of the what ifs of spinal fusion each time we get x-rays done yet again (coming up again in February). I don’t want her to be different, and in pain, in a brace that commands her life. People look at her and think she is coping very well. I as her mother know otherwise. Scoliosis is the enemy at a time in her life that is by far the most difficult already. I had lunch with a woman the other day that went through what my daughter did at the same age and she called it: life altering. She carried resentment, anger and pain in her heart for years at the fact that people think carrying this off is much easier than it actually is. Try wearing a brace around your house for 5 hrs and come talk to me after. Then imagine doing it for 3 yrs. .The other day a friend of mine at said her bra was too tight after a long day at work and was aching to take it off and was bothering her so much she could not concentrate on our conversation. I gt up from the table and silently cried in the restaurant’s bathroom just thinking of how my daughter must feel all day long everyday with much more than a bra to contend with.

Then our son with ADD diagnosed late in life in Grade 9 and realize that he has a high level of it. A daily struggle that he copes with very well but defines his life in many ways . You can’t understand it unless you have a child who suffers from it. You can’t know. The changes of strategies and medications, the side effects, it goes on and on and on and is always ever present. When it comes to health stuff there is no break. Not a single day. You carry your health or lack of it with you through life. You want and the others around you want to forget about it but you cannot.  Unlike circumstances of life that change and alter , health stuff you carry around for always most the time. Unfortunately. We all carry our own unique suitcase of pain and obstacles and challenges that make raising teens harder. Having teens in general is one tough act but have extra very hard circumstances already added to this load? Can feel really really heavy.

Our middle son thus far (thank god) is our regular normal teen with no other issues to date to handle. And this is bad enough!!!!! Where did our sweet peaceful easier guy go??? Nowhere in sight have I tell you.

So this weekend is relaxing but also lonely too. We have each other and a strong marriage thank goodness, but I know in my heart it is due for some tweaking and adjustments as we navigate new ground as a couple and of parents of three now real teens. We don’t have the shining brightness of younger kids in the house anymore to even the mood out. Nor do we have a dog to distract us. We don’t have a lot of friends who have teens so a lot of “it is normal!” or “try this!” is around us and we need anchors of those who are going through it or who have gone through it anchoring us more often as we saw in our conversation in Toronto which were comforting and helpful to all of us in this survival mode.

Our family is changing and growing up .We are forced to change because of it. My prayer is that one day they will all come back to you wrapped up in a ribbon with smiling faces and open hearts seeking and craving the family life we always shared with them. My prayer is that we will be able to survive and thrive as a couple through this sense of alienation, and anxiety and loneliness and often failure of what we may have done wrong as parents. And I pray that our own set of unique and challenging circumstances surrounding health of two of our children will create resilience in both of them and strength to overcome other obstacles in life.

Lately sending them away to university has sounded more and more attractive to usJ) But I know it is not the right thing for our family. I need to find our way through...together as a unit. I need how to learn to love them all and love my life as much as I did before when things were simpler and easier. I need to learn to be capable enough and strong enough as parent to live one of the hardest stages of life and parenting alongside them. I need to set an example of that strength for them.

And to  find it in myself.

The Sounds

I was aware of sounds this weekend. Or lack of them.

When I visited my friend’s home on Friday night and her three kids came to the door happily and excited and like three little puppies. Question after question, story after story for us, show and tell, magic tricks. So much life in the house. So much good noise. So many memories of our home and how it used to be. I used to think that noise annoyed me, the sounds of laughter. I realize in retrospect I loved this part of my life (the benefit and irony of retrospect)

And then the sounds of our home and cottage this weekend. Beauty is in London on her own which is strange in and of itself. We feel her absence –having two kids is very different than having three kids. We feel her gone.

And then the sounds of teenagers. When home so much more silence. The click click of texting, the silence of IPad, using the basement more, interacting less.

Radio Silence.

 And then the sounds of fear. We stayed at the cottage overnight the two of us without the kids as Beauty away and boys Halloween plans and also some work being done here with plumbing. But our night was not peaceful until Chase got home in the city at 2am and called us to say safe at home e (we set our alarm for his time expected home and if the alarm rings before he calls big panic and trouble which has thankfully never happened)

He is safe, responsible, and mature. It has nothing to do with him, but until I get that call my heart races and I panic and can’t think of anything else until he is in that door. Midnight to 2am trust me I don’t sleep soundly...usually not at all. With him driving now and out much later at almost 18 yrs old, this is our new reality. And our new reality is not that relaxing.

I hear the sound of my nagging voice often. More and more for some reason lately. I think in their new ambivalence and inattention that are hardest for me.

I hear the sound of us as a couple. Missing them more, the silence in the house. Still loving each other but missing some major pieces that made up the fabric of our lives. The sound of trying to stay connected and connect in a new way.

The sounds of missing. I  miss when we are all together the ease we always had as a family-we still have it often, but not as often. We have to rely much more on the in between moments. We have to deliberately make those happen more. I miss I miss I miss what I always had and still have but like Hubby and Mom said last night it’s like this trip with Beauty is the beginning of them all flying away from the nest. Or youngest in London? Without us? How did that happen? Finally no more baby talk. It’s gone.

The sound of my thoughts. They have lost some peace. They are searching-searching again. But for what? Having to re-create myself again both personally and professionally. Is there ever stability?

The sounds of the dog that we kept last weekend. The one we debate in our imaginations in our home in the future. The animal to love us, comfort us, make noise. The dog to hold us back, for us to resent, getting in the way of the next stage. I hear the barking and it annoys me. I don’t hear the barking and the silence depresses me.

The sounds of the future. The future scares me. Did we make the right choices? Is this the right cottage? The right ski hill? The right path? Should they have played hockey? Should we have socialized more? The sounds of a mothers’ self-confidence being doubted.

The sounds of loss and broken hearts. Emptiness and sadness. First loves. The breaking of teenage hearts. The sounds the family share. Of betrayal. The lessons of living being taught. But not my us.

The sounds of acceptance and moving to another stage. I had read in a book somewhere that really having teenagers starts  when your youngest becomes one. For us that was felt about 6 months ago. We are there. We have arrived.

I need more sounds. I need to create them. I need to make them mine. Ours. We need to adapt, and adjust and change.

What do the sounds of setting them free sound like?

Do they come back? What does that sound like?

The Melancoly of this season

I love Fall. The sun , the leaves , the reflection of the moon on the water .

I adore it all. Fall is truly glorious.

Until there are no leaves and no sun and it starts getting really really chilly and is dark in the morning and dark at night . That in between season where winter has not yet begun nor am I prepared for winter yet . There are no fires and snowsuits and après ski yet . There is just cold and dark .

And my mind does not react well to this .

I think I get midly depressed even . Or maybe midly irritable ( or majorly maybe ! ) or maybe I lose confidence in this season or lose sight of my long term goals . Or I feel sorry for myself ( which is very rare ) and I feel like the people I love I am not as connected too . Or maybe a mix and blend of all if the above . Mostly I just don't feel like myself. Not all all. I sort of lose all sorts of hope in this season for some reason. 

At this time of year I do wish I was back in my cozy corporate office and that makes me sad . Because the fact is that someone else is now on that office and I am feeling the cold and chill in my home office .

Combine this shift in light and temperature with my period being less than 3 days away and we have a nasty potion .

Combine this with my three teens who really quite frankly lately have turned  on us and have become the actual " real teens "

That the books talk about in so many ways ( more disconnected , less attached , more cool and to themsleves in so many ways ) ..... This is really not going so well at all now is it !???

No wonder I feel the need so strongly for a dog or a cat or even a goldfish at this point . The loneliness is starting to sink in . ( and ps I really don't think I like dogs or cats or fish much at all in reality )

I find it harder to get up . I want to go to bed earlier . My feelings get hurt easier . I have more time to think . I don't have a good book nor do I have the energy to get one . My days are full of work but my heart is not in it for the last weeks . I am filled up in time but not filled up in my soul for some reason .

It's time to turn the clocks back I guess !!!

(And totally totally spoiled comment below so be aware .. It's time to go to the beach and hubby and I are going in 2 weeks from today and I cannot wait ).

By the time we get back :

The holidays will be around the corner yay!

The mornings will be brighter 

My agenda for 2016 will be in place 

We will be even better at kettlball workouts 

My period will be over ( and starting again ! What a waste when no more babies )

And my teens will be .... Back to normal ? Will they ever ? Thank goodness we enjoyed them when they were younger still some excellent moments but not as many lately 

- I will have relaxed and gained some perspective 

- I need time to sleep , read , feel , connect . I need to take a break from overdrive and since march when everything changed in my work I am not really sure have taken that time yet .

A break in the sun will be good 

To get back to myself 

To get back to us 

To get back the light and the sun

Be Gretchen

(well in this case it is Be Tarina, actually)

From the books Gretchen Ruben wrote and which I have read (Happiness Project and Happiness at Home) this is what a retained the most.

Similar to in the Magic Art of Tidying –the phrase: Does this object give me Joy?

What can I say I am a simple girl. All I need to adore a book is one life changing nugget of truth.

I have been thinking a lot of Be Tarina  as I surprise even myself lately. Sometimes I expect things of myself that I just know are not woven into my natural fabric. I often go against who I truly am at the core-or I am too hard on myself for traits that I likely can’t (and should not) change. There’s one thing about trying to develop in areas where you feel can really make a difference or that you know are toxic, but there are some things about ourselves that are just who we are and we need to accept.

I loved Ruben’s chapter on Be Gretchen.

A few things about myself that are really in that category of Be Tarina. More and more I know I can’t resist them and I can’t get down on myself for them either. They are not going away anytime soon.

1-People think of me as so extroverted. I am really not. I don’t pull my energy from other people. Don’t get me wrong I love (some) social events, I love 1-1 or small groups of friends, I liked very much working in a big company, I love (often) being with my family. But hardly any of this compares to alone time with a great book and in my own head. I am really, really in my own head and good at it too. I am not the life of the party (with no alcohol or coffee kinda hard to me too and I juts don't like either  of these substances much probably bc they make me too fun??)\

That is probably what my marriage works so well. My husband is not extroverted at all and much better at 1-1 than a group. He is funny and interesting and bright and attentive but not in an over bearing way. He doesn’t tend to get on my nerves a lot where very extroverted people do a lot even when I love them dearly. He is the perfect match for me to come home to every day and live with (vs he would not be my first pick for a wild love affair in my 20’s as he is much to calm for that type of wildness needed!) Him and I can sit in a room and read beside each other for hours, days, weeks and not get on each other’s nerves much. And we talk and talk and talk and like the same things. This is rare for me. Almost everyone gets on my nerves somehow and someway (as I am sure I equally get on their too!)

This is my secret to 19 years of successful marriage: Find someone who annoys you very little.

I have a wild side to me and a very calm side and as I get older that wild side is really diminishing.

Be Tarina

2-People get on my nerves a lot. I am irritable. I am judgmental. I can be very jealous too.

I truly don’t like this part of myself. At all. Each time it rears it ugly head I wish I could just push it away. But I can’t. This will need therapy for sure one day. I think it stems from having to have worked very very hard for where I am at in my life right now emotionally, physically, mentally, professionally. Seems like I came out of the womb and had to perpetually fight my way through life to learn some basic stuff and skills and felt to me like I had to do so much of it alone. Feels like much of my life was pushing, controlling and working for whatever reason. Or maybe that is just the way it occurred to me. The fact remains that I feel that way. And when I see people who make so many bigger mistakes than I do, are so much less deliberate, and are so random and spontaneous and not hard working yet in blissful and easy situations? I get irritated and judgmental. And jealous.

Be Tarina

And Tarina. Look into this one. It is not peaceful to stay this way.

3-I am not that social.

As much as I would like to think I am-as as good at it all as I am (as both personally and professionally I a very good at connecting and socializing) in many ways I actually dread social event or even meetings. And not out of fear or insecurity or anything like that-it almost like energy is being zapped from me in these situations and I want to preserve that energy to be in my head? It is so so odd.

Like right before we have people over I resent it. Or right before I go into a big meeting, I do dread going. It is so weird as I often end up loving these interactions. And most often the people involved I love. And the interactions are most often great and successful and wonderful. But it’s a bit like exercise for me-I never ever feel like doing it but feel great when I have.

Being in my head gives me much more energy. Reading a book bring some much more energy.

Be Tarina

4-I am very not good:

At cooking (well I am actually.. but I hate doing it it seems)

At Quebec politics (no interest, but truly naïve of me)

At animals (we shall for sure as we have a dog for the weekend here for a bit of a test. )

At kids/teens (ya ya I know I am supposed to be a family expert and everything but naturally I don’t think I am good at it)

I am so not good at so many things. The things I am good at I am really really good at-but most of life normal stuff I am sadly not good at.

5-My feelings get hurt easily. I expect to get the love I give and sometimes I don’t get it and then my feelings get hurt. I expect a lot from people. Probably too much I guess?

Enough said

Be Tarina. (This won’t ever budge)

6- I cannot deal with people and situations where communication is shut down. I am articulate and emotionally intelligent and cannot tolerate when others around me can’t do the same personally or professionally. Big turn off for me and really makes me lose respect quickly

Be Tarina

(This one seems to have been passed down to my eldest son. He has grown up in a family environment where being truthful and honest and articulate about feelings is both expected and praised and encouraged the world outside is not necessarily the same and is full of repressed people when it comes to feeling things and expressing things. I see it in his relationship with his (now ex) girlfriend)…..he cannot believe that someone he cares for would chose the easy way vs true honestly and confrontation. We share this gene for sure.

Be Tarina

So I am sure the list can go on and on but the point is that these are traits about me that I need to embrace (if that is possible) rather than resist and reject. That’s just the way it needs to go.

So that’s it. I liked writing this post. I encourage you to be who you are too. And be aware of who you are. We can all stretch ourselves, but we all have limits too and boundaries. We are all different and that’s what, makes the world turn round.

Be Tarina

Getting a little tired lately of the Parenting thing

Let's keep it honest here people.

My kids are grating on my nerves, especially since we got back from vacation in Spain.

My mentality sucks lately-it’s sort of like: My gosh we have done this parenting thing for so long-give us a damn (the nice word!) break. It’s like we are worn out-like an old pair of shoes. Just too much at once. And even the normal stuff we seem to be struggling with. It’s like we have expired or something. It feels ridiculous actually.

I know we will get back on track and be praying again for those little chickadees to live here as long as possible before starting their own lives …but for the moment…sending them off to college out of town sound peaceful (I did not say that!!!)

It’s a fact that we (and our kids) are not good at transitions. So as luxurious as a vacation is for us to be able to take,we pay for it majorly when we get back. Our kids don’t want us back either so that does not help. All routine has been broken, they make their own rules, and they realize how much more relaxing it is without us around. We also get used to the ease of life with two of us.

I have always known that if we were divorced we would suck at it if we had to transition back and forth between not having kids with us to having them with us. I have found in my circle of people I know divorced those with blended families who have kids around most of the time fare much better than those who have kids part of the time and then no kids half the week. (Or one week one week) I remember three collegues of mine at work always saying that they felt perpetually annoyed with their children upon their return from the other parent’s house as the transitions were so frequent and the aloneness so quiet! I think I would be like that !I suck at transition!

Let’s just say our return from vacation has not been smooth at home. The second night I think Chase lost his mind. Literally. This fairly even tempered human being just decided to start screaming at us both about our diet and health habits (that are for the record the best they have even been in our lives!) He screamed that my protein shakes are stupid and going to kill me, he told us that we needed to be eating chicken breasts and avocados and bananas every morning for breakfast (yuck! And PS I am allergic to avocado and bananas and he knows it!) He just lost it for 5 hrs and screamed and ranted and raved and called us retarded. It all started when I asked him to clean the kitchen and he said that when Didi was here she let him do it at 11pm.

He apologized but it was-fricking odd of an episode and now every time I don’t eat chicken for breakfast I feel like a big loser.

Next comes the news of the week. Beauty left her brace on the city bus and it was never found. No ..no..not the free rigid one that the government pays for..the day brace that we invested in that costs 3,500$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and is adjusted to her body with hours and hours of x-rays and corrective movement positions and tests and appts etc. And that usually is uncomfortable for weeks after and takes many adjustments to get back to comfort after an adjustment.

PS-just call this a total nightmare. She is booked to get the new brace next Thursday. I am quite certain that after 56 hours the lost and found will not find her brace at the city bus unit but let’s just hope for a miracle. (And I hesitate to even complain about this as quite frankly I would take this problem over any health problem of Beauty or anyone else) The stress I feel over this is ZERO compared to the stress I feel in the hospitals waiting for her x-rays results every 6 months. So this is minor but feels very major right now.

Anyways fact is..I feel tired of parenting this week. If I could I would hide under my blankets in bed for a week and eat bonbons and maybe even smoke cigarettes and get drunk (PS I don’t smoke or drink)..I would.

It doesn’t help that Hubby and I have set a goal to lose 5 lbs each in the next 4 weeks and so I have been living on protein shakes and almonds and cheese. And a biteful of Greek salad at night on a good day. I lost two pounds already this week but let’s just say I am a little crabby.

Also hard to have nothing to look forward to on weekends as the next 4 of them are pure work around the house. Marathon work. A friend said to me this week she cannot believe how disciplined we are with setting time aside on weekends to get stuff done around the house. I laughed as we have no choice but to do this! I hate it! But with a house and a cottage and three teens stuff needs to be done and we are forced to do this (which is so worth it to enjoy the cottage in the seasons that we relax more winter and summer) But man oh man I am not looking forward to the next month of major chores and not eating.

(That chicken and avocado and banana is starting to sound pretty good)

So ya although I love vacation……I have to say there is a cost.

And that cost for us seems to be that parenting gets on our nerves after (sorry kids can’t always be positive!)

The other day my husband got out of bed and 5 mins later came back..almost in tears and just asked me to hold him tightly. Worried as completely out of character I said “My gosh what happened” and he said……

Just can’t do real life.

Honey, as silly and dramatic as that sounds I get you. There is something about the transition of summer to winter that just does us all in mentally and physically. Throw in an extra 4k there and a ton more of radiation and some chicken breasts for breakfast and I want to cry with youJ