Our Boy Becomes a Man

This pic totally captures the essence of him

Our guy. What a Huge Year 2015 was for him

a super happy day...

.....not the super  happiest day 

my bebe-women stay away!!!!

with  lis little sister

with his Nana Didi

rooftop bar terrace

Chase turned 18 yrs old today! Is that even possible ???

I remember for years when he was young we talked about the day he would open his time capsule on dec 31 2015 and today the day was upon us. Time has a way of moving way to fast.


Beauty and bear had originally wanted to take chase out to a pizza dinner on dec 30 but chase ended up being hired as waiter this week at a hotel so that won't happen as this new work is trumping family plans now ( which is all normal but all different too)


On dec 29 hubby and I treated chase to a day at a nordic spa with an amazing lunch and massages and hot and cold baths for all of us. You have to be 18 to get in so was a real treat for him and he adores massages . I think it was one of the best days of my year. Chase was so happy to be there with us and loves massages and anything relaxing. We were all so close and was so cool to be the three of us. So many good chats and tons of laughs. Farts in dark! Lol! Was a snowstorm that day so went above and beyond in every way to make this day happen including abandoning our other two pissed off kids ! Was such a winter wonderland in those outside jacuzzis with snow on our heads and freezing when we got out. Minty wet saunas, relaxation rooms and  dark ( farty ! ) rooms



Dec 30 the five of us spent a great evening by the fire opening the coveted time capsule. Words cannot even express that evening of joy and tears too as hubby read his late dads long letter to his great grandson. Or I  read my grampy 2 and dad's letters. A whole other full post on this magical night


Jan 6 is his huge 18th bday party. Was supposed to be at a rented cottage but didn't work out and we all became too nervous that the place would get trashes even with a hired bouncer So.... It will be at our house . First real party. 40 teens .i am so scared and anxious about this i am actually sleeping at my moms that night .as a gift to chase i am removing myself from this chaotic seen and putting it into the hands of his capable and much calmer dad to supervise .omg

The 18 ways in which this son of ours has impressed me:

1- he is a person of high high affection and love. He shows it all the time to the people he loves and makes them feel like a Million bucks


2- he knows himself and is very self aware . He is aware of both his strengths and limitations  and works on developing both. He knows his patterns, his moments of weakness and how to overcome them

3- he is an in incredible  older brother and provides a wonderful example to follow. He cares and worries about the safety and well being emotionally and physically of himself and siblings

4- he is HILARIOUS and everyone knows it.


5- he is gorgeous and charming. Now even older woman think he is hot and tell me ( yuck! ) this guy will never ever have a problem attracting girls ( or woman )


6  when he cherishes you -he will cherish you forever and treat you  like a queen. He will be the best  husband and father on earth

7- i love how he has found his passion in macro economics and is acing this!


8- he has a huge passion for downhill biking and love the way he can talk about bikes for hours on end


9- love the way he wears clothes and looks so good in them and gets so attached to them


10- Coco. Need i say more ?



11- love how he has a true bff for years now. My adopted son really. Love that relationship


12-i love how of all the three kids- he takes me the most seriously :) asks my advice all the time and guidance and actually listens to it!  Bases his life on so many of the values we have taught him over the years. And when he makes decisions that differ from what we would have preferred he does it with respect


13- love and admire the way he handled his breakup from an important and long relationship wit kindness and grace and caring and courage. And how he has moved on with acceptance and resilience and a great start over attitude. Nothing is more attractive for future relationships than this amazing way he handled it all



14- his dark curly wavy think hair is so gorgeous and his big green eyes



15- he is so smart and brilliant and love the way he cares about his marks and always improving them. Has huge street smarts too and high high emotional intelligence

16- love the way he listens to rules and respects them. And speaks his mind when rules are outdated or useless and provides alternatives. He helps us a lot in raising the other two  kids and always has been the most caring older brother.


17-love how athletic he is and exceeds at literally any sport he tries or does . I remember a mom sating to me once " any sport he touches turns to gold even if he has never tried it before "
True .


18- most of all i love the way he loves me and the way he lets me love him as his mom . I am not sure  i have ever felt a love so complete or loved anyone so completely in this way. It is so so unique as a relationship and i never expected this in my life . It is a pure gift . He is the finest they come.




Happy 18th b-day our beautiful  boy. Love forever and a day. Fiercely and forever.

Mommy

The joy you bring to us is beyond words Chase....

Bear is a SkiBum!

During the holidays Bear completed his certification from Quebec Ski Federation. He is now an official ski instructor!!! Such as accomplishment after years and years of lessons and trainings and concluding with three intensive full days over the holidays of interviews, testing of technique, theory and lesson style with children.

He passed! With Flying colors too and had an A plus on all categories!

He went the next morning to get his uniform (coolest ski suit ever!) and had a meeting with all the instructors and staff. That afternoon me and Hubby and Beauty went skiing and I saw this gorgeous guy giving me a discreet little wave and I waved back hesitantly having no clue who it was  (I am not joking at all) 2 mins after he left I realized that was our son!!!!!!!!!! I did not recognize him in the full ski instructor gear!!!!

He looks amazing and so cool. Amazing to see him with a big group of friends at the hill (something we have wanted for our kids for years now and have not had). He is into the whole Garceu party mode with his initiation starting Jan 9 with all the instructors.. a whole new world for him as up until now has not been to a real party (at his school parties usually begin more towards grade 11 )So proud of him! We literally all got out of the car and jumped for joy and hugged him when he passed (and I fell face first in the snow!)

Yay Bear! He now joins the ranks of his older brother as an instructor. This is Chase’s last year of this so they will overlap by a year. Already at the dinner table the conversations have been taken over by Bear and Chase discussing skiing and who is who as a monitor etc. Beauty will be a monitor hopefully next year and for now is taking a full year of the pre-monitor program. She is sad to not be on the competition team and a big adjustment for her but we need her to focus on marks and competition too demanding for winter with the school and level she is at.

Bear joined the ranks of the BEST job in the wold that pays literally hardly any money (AS IN LITERALLY HARDLY ANY!)  But is a job so many teens want that they don’t even care.

It has been a job house around here this holiday with Chase having been hired at the Auberge around the corner on call. He went twice already and was a full waiter with zero training! With alcohol serving and everything! He loved the huge tips and was pretty proud. Bear and Beauty will be backups to him if he is not available which is also kinda cool as fits perfectly being on call with our cottage life and schedules up here.

Chase now had worked: half a summer at Dirtcamp and three weeks for his old high school as a concierge and in the bookstore. He was a ski monitor all last season and now this season again. Now works on call in the auberge and has been hired as a full time bike instructor (and away 8 weeks!) next summer.

Now Bear as a ski instructor too and in summer will be away 5 weeks to do his certification to be a full time sleepaway camp monitor. Also completing his Sauveteur Nationale last course next semester to be an official lifeguards.

Things are moving around here and changing! I am so proud of these kidsJ

PS-Chase’s 18^th bday post will be posted later today

What I have loved about this Christmas in Particular

sorry for typos and punctuation as typing from a crappy phone!

This Christmas has been in my top 4 favorite since becoming an adult (aka in 26 yrs.)

And i am not sure exactly why exactly. Yes we have done different things than usual and added a new tradition ... But it is none of that really at all.

It’s just the feeling. Mostly the family feeling. We like holidays a lot but we LOVE time off as a family. And the holidays bring with it this time off together.

The decorations, the socializing, the meals, the presents its all great but it’s the gift of time that seems to be most precious to us all. And nothing beats that staycation of just hanging out and not having a whole lot to do ( well not true really as kids all got jobs a couple of days this holiday , are ski instructors with no snow and have 5-6 family and friend big days or evenings )

But still lots of time  for home cooked meals , movies , TED talks , family movies and lots of great chats ( and some striking and bickering too ) i know being at home is not necessarily exiting or exotic but for us cottage life is often a bigger gift than any trip or outing . Just a whole lot of nothing is exactly what we all need

The best moments of Xmas for me:

Watching great movies together days leading up to Xmas as a family

Family Jacuzzis

Bear and i building the best snowman ever

One of my bffs hubbies texting me asking me to babysit their three kids on a weekend on spring for his bday . Love how close we are :)

Watching the three kids get ready for their mini interview at the auberge to be able  to work there as waiters and waitresses 28 and 30. So proud that they all three seem hired ! Being perfectly bilingual is such an asset

Seeing my hubby speak to his long lost brother and actually interact with him in a friendly manner

Isaacs  our nephew passionate hugs when he loves his gifts

Seeing our kids all dressed up on the 24th and so handsome and pretty

Sleeping in until 9:30 on the 25 and having to actually wake up the kids

Opening the stockings . Always my fave part

New tradition of December good deeds and secret Santa . My best new tradition yet i am thinking . Between us we did 15 big good deeds for strangers in December and felt so good . And another 15 to each other in our home for each-other

When chase won the chocolate orange and offered it to beauty .

And they hugged

Beauty offering us all her favorite candy generously

Opening my mom’s gifts and seeing her open her gifts

Beauty’s reaction when she opened  roots tracks pants from Didi !!

Eating Dagwood’s sandwiches at lunch and fortune cookies

Bear and chase and beauty opening gifts and me misjudging how tall and big they actually are now. No more incredible shrinking midgets !

The totally amazing thoughtful gifts the kids who chose for their dad and i each . Omg ! I was in shock that they had each chosen such nice cool original gifts . Cool to have kids this age buying me some of my fave stuff  and spoiling their mom and dad

The incredible pictures that my sweet husband framed of the best best best pics ever taken of the lake at the cottage

Poker at the beautiful home of our friends on the 25 . A beautiful fancy dinner and watching the kids use their manners ( mostly  anyways ! ) and then beauty and i hanging out on the couch near the fire and the rest playing poker for money at the real games table

Seeing the three kids on the couch at our friends cuddling up to each other  like three puppies ( lasts about 10 seconds before wrestling .. But still nice to watch )

Pyjamas and slipper in the company of good friends

Seeing my cousin Meg at party on 26th. such a sweet beautiful girl and such a hard year of loss for her:( I am praying she gets the job she wants and would be perfect for!!!!!!. Thanks for forcing me to do vodka jello shots Meg!

Just the moments really .

All the moments in between the big ones are what matter to me more than anything else . And getting these moments in abundance these two weeks ( sandwiched in between all the highly annoying ones ! )

The Gift of the Last Two Days

The gift of the last two days

You all know i am on strike right? And then partially on strike?
Well a lot has happened bc of this strike. Some big fights and discussions, some tears, some alignment. Its been hard.

But already as a parent i have learnt so much from doing thing differently and thinking before i act. From leaving some of the parenting more in the capable hands of my much more laid back and relaxed husband. And some in the hands of my capable ( not so laid back ) teens.
I have learnt in the last couple of days that it is time for a whole other method of parenting ahead . That time is now.

Just having made slight adjustments in the last few days has been totally altering for our family. For my peace level too.  There has been no snow, so no winter sports so have been hanging around , doing errands together, cooking meals, playing cards. And laughing and laughing and laughing. All of us. Especially Beauty. I love the look on our daughter's face as it lights up. No sight is ever more beautiful to me.

As more and more i give up authority and control on allowing them to do what they want to do ( technology ever hour we are not doing another activity together ) i feel my heart and my brain struggle with the danger i see in this. I also see the freedom they feel and the respect for me  they feel in doing it their way and not only my way.
I feel the nagging machine become a connecting machine over the last couple of days. I don't love  the idea of my daughter closing her door in her room  for hours with her computer but i see the effect positively it has on her later in our family that she was allowed this freedom so important to her it seems. Or i see the effect it has on my son when i let him take his phone on a family outing and check it respectfully here and there. Or when i let our other son play music very loudly that I despise the words to.

I will have other rules that wont be bent. Texting overnight in their rooms., devices at the dinner table, spending technology free time together every day of holidays and weekends . But the other stuff ? I think i may have no choice but to move it to my basket b or c as my relationship with them is far more important to me than when or how or where they use their phones and computers.

And above all? I have realized i trust them to make good decisions and learn from the bad ones they make. They are good kids. Good kids that i know will generally choose the right things and sometimes choose the wrong things. But i have confidence that they will find their way. We have done a whole lot of parenting around this house and a whole lot of teaching. It counted for something i am sure.
But up until now i have not been able or willing enough to lessen the hold of the tight reigns i hold. I feel like i am not done with parenting or coaching them yet nor will i ever be i doubt. But i know that things needs to change to adapt to the changing times . And i know change starts right here . With ME.

Lately i have been giving out a lot of advice about teens as i also struggle with the same issues myself. But i realize i am better giving the advice than putting it into practice within our own family. Its damn hard to separate myself from rules and values that are important to me. On the otherhand  i am realizing that too many things are important to me. Democracy has always worked better that the autocratic style. This i know for sure

Its hard to let our teens who we love so much make decisions that we know are not in their or the family's best interest. But i also know its that freedom that will set them all free.

To be fully empowered is one of the greatest gifts a human can be given, as parents we have done his for our teens in so many areas and had worked like magic ( academics , friendships, curfew/ alcohol/sex issues ). They all three have wonderful internal regulation systems on these issues on which we have so successfully empowered them on.

But technology ? Constant power struggle reaching an all time high lately; how often to use devises, where in the house to use them, what to use them for, until what time to use them until, in the company of who to use them. It all annoys me to no end actually.

It's  time to change. As scary as hard as that may seem to me i know it true.


And these last two days have been the best i can remember in the last number of years or maybe even decade with family time and warmth plentiful and technology use at an all time high. This strike ( or partial strike ) is working. On many many levels i never anticipated. Isn't change just the best? Crisis always seems to lead to creativity doesn'T it ( ironically the name of one of my dad's books)

I seem to only change when i am forced too.

I am sorts proud i am adapting to the changing times . A little like how i felt this march leaving my pharma career 5 yrs earlier than planned .. I feel the same about making the decision to parent in a different way much earlier than planned. I am going to need to quickly move from teaching mode to supportive coaching mode . Just like changing careers this will come with many obstacles challenges and adjustments along the way. I will feel sad, confused and doubt the decision daily. But we will grow and change because of it and in the end it will end up being the right decision for our family.

Relationships always always need to come first. It needs to be our guiding principle no matter what.  And the success of any person is not their competency but their ability to adapt to changing situations.
I don't intend to alter my success in these areas now that it is coming to the most important people in my life.

Pride , control and ego aside... I am moving into another era with them. Excited to see whats on the other side!

On Strike

I made the decision last night in bed at 4:30am that I was going on strike for the holidays (16 luscious days actually). I woke up my husband at 4:45am and announced it.

The great thing is that it is not (really) a revenge strike-or trying to get anyone back in particular, or a mean or nasty one. It is just the consequence of some natural occurring events over the last 18 yrs. It was the product of a big blow out with my almost 18 yrs. old son yesterday  now in Cegep and only in exams has the misfortune of being with me at home all week while I am trying to work and he is trying to be teen.

It was also the product of a huge discussion that me, Hubby and that same kid Chase had in front of the fire last night juts the three of us about our parenting styles and some suggestions he had (mostly for my husband in the raising of our other two children. For the first time we allowed to Chase to see our own misalignment on a few issues and did not present a united front. Instead we presented a rather heated discussion with some swear words thrown in. It was an adult conversation and debate in many ways between three adults. Very hard but also  Very awesome! This morning as we woke up…I felt so close to Chase (even though I am on strike)

So how does a woman who literally never cooks or does laundry hardly ever go on strike? How does that happen? What is she striking from?

FROM BEING FORCED TO FOR OVER 18 YRS BEING THE BAD GUY (GIRL!) NAGGER AND DISCIPLINARIAN IN THE FAMILY. A STRIKE FROM NAGGING AFTER CHORES AND ORDER, GETTING OFF TECHNOLOGY, PLANNING FUN THINGS THOSE KIDS ARE INCREASINGLY UNGRATEFUL FOR. A STRIKE FROM NAGGING BASICALLY! (aka :a strike from being me?)

When my husband said last night that he felt that all three kids could not stand me anymore that was it. I cracked. I went on strike.

What I realized in my talk with Hubby and Chase last night? Maybe sometimes they can’t stand me-but they respect me. A ton. And for people who can’t stand me I certainly get a whole lot of texts saying I love you, I miss you and I need your advice Mama. I personally think I am doing a damn good jobJ

So this morning I handed Hubby a diagram of certain parameters we have in our home that must be abided to (order, chores, family time, time outside and away from technology, actives outside of the house) and told him to get to work with all this over the next 16 days of holidays. I told him he is for the next two week within those parameters, do all the nagging, all the discipline, all the planning and all the fun stuff too. And while he is at it he can continue to cook and clean and ask for my help if he wants. When he asked for the grocery list I told him to make one himself. I am not even going to hide the elf!

And he started! Today! It sounds crazy but I actually had:

A SUPER DAY!!! I hardly had any anger or revenge or bad thoughts I just did my thing. Each times the kids would come and ask me to make a decisions like “Can I bring my x-box to the cottage” “what time are we leaving to go do errands?” I simply sent them to their dad to answer1 How liberating! For the next two weeks my kids are puppies and their father is their Master.

Chase came in and said “OMG Daddy is so different from yesterday’s talk-he screamed at me twice already today!” and me? I didn’t notice as was busy bloggingJ))

Anyways for now the strike feels wonderful. Who knows if it will actually last the next two weeks this reversal of roles? Or who knows if it won’t last a lifetime? But something about just  having the goal of staying calm and collected as a cucumber (why is a cucumber considered more serene that a green pepper BTW?) is really really relaxing. Is this how men feel all the time?

I am up to my eyeballs in work, wrapping gifts and life. It’s time for a real break isn’t it? Lucious. (Thank goodness he has not asked me to cook for the next two weeks)

Chase? We may have fought it out yesterday but MAN is you smart. And courageous. And have a good head on your shoulders. Thanks for putting up with these two parents of yours and talking some sense into us. Thanks for the strike!

Note: I am now editing this post before I post it and it is the next morning. I always promised to be honest on this blog so here it goes:

By this morning I am less relaxed. Delegating is hard! Especially when the decisions people make are just plain dumb! Somehow last night at midnight my Hubby allowing Bear to leave the feel good xmas part right at the part of the Xmas lesson and go play video games instead just didn’t sit with me well (ps we have never ever allowed video games at the cottage as the kid is addicted enough at home! )

Ya this strike thing? Not so sure anymore .

I don’t think I am capable (or want) to be a cucumber.

Meh-Meh Turns 14yrs old ! In Toronto!

Smile for the camera darling its your 14th bday!

Just natural her these days (birthday or not!)

Our amazing friends (sister savvy on blog) spoiled her with this sweet cake

A beautiful weekend in toronto spent with our wonderful gang. Close like cousins even after not all being together for a while still as bonded as ever:))) 

We still did a mini PG girl's breakfast!

Reggie was introduced to us all

Our Family. Note: they are all taller than me now!

Teens but still kids at heart really!

the four of us (hubby taking pic) stayed up late and talked and talked about TEENS. We all needed it! therapeutic!

The girls:)))

hanging out with eachother and with technology

Hanging out in nature (sister savvy and I are both big on getting kids out into real life)

14 things about Meh-Meh. Who she is and what may have changed in the last year:

1-Her body. Tall . Athletic. Slim. Muscular. I will never give up being in awe of her body and its strength and grace. What her body has been through and still goes through. she is amazing.

2-Hardly any more baby talk. Still here and there but much more appropriate. Instead of baby talk...attitude. all the way!

3-Her bond with BFF even closer and more intimate. I am not sure I have ever seen or witnessed as close of a relationship and bond as the Vanilla Beans. It is so beautiful

4- Her organized ways. She is just so damn..organised. When she wants to be

5-her love of music has grown and grown. Always with earphones in her ears

6-Her love of food. she loves it all . all the healthy snacks and the not so healthy ones too. She eats and eats and eats and grazes a lot on mostly very healthy fruit and foods

7-Her sense of fashion. love her style. she could wear a garbage bag and look in style

8-Her love of dogs. LOVES (certain) dogs

9-Her kindness to homeless people, senior people, children and people in need. A true humanitarian. 

10-Creative. Arsty.Talented. Driven

11-Self-confident. Has no fear. This has and will serve her so well in her life. 

12-she is a leader. People follow her.

13-She makes making friends look as easy as drinking a glass of milk. Her peer groups adore her. she is very very very peer-oriented

14-She is an introvert who is often taken for an extrovert. She hides it well. Not from MamaJ

Happy 14th B-day Sweetie!!!!!!

The Loneliness of Raising Adolescents

This morning I am up early. Going through articles on the internet of raising teens, best expert advice, what is normal, what is not? How to survice? How to stay calm and serene and married. I find myself praying often too.

Something has shifted in our family –more than ever over the last 6 months. I try to ask myself what it is exactly. Then I realize: I have TRUE adolescents now. All three of them. Almost 18, almost 16, just turned 14. I remember thinking I had it all under control when they seemed to be almost in their adolescence or partially in it. I remember thinking that 12 was an adolescent or that 15 were like 16 or that 17 were like 18.I am sure as the cycle continues I am only up for harder stuff as truly each day still takes me but surprise. Each day is like opening a raw wound. For them and for us. I think our 18 yr old was older to peak at adolescence. I think our middle son right on trach and our youngest well ahead of her peers on that creepy adolescence phase.

I can now say of the last 6 months that I truly know what people mean about how hard raising teens is (especially three of them at the same time). I get it now where I did not fully a year ago. I am sure I will get it even more in a year or two.

We visited our amazing friends in Toronto who also have three teens and two younger pre-teens. (A post on our visit there coming up) but what hit me the most was the vast difference between all the teens and then her 12 and 10 yr. old. The two youngest still look engaged and happy and excited and young. Happy. The rest? Well they all and acted like teens (except her step-daughter actually who on many levels was the happiest one of the bunch but she still had that overall teen look and quality) . The rest of our combined 6 teens looked like they had gone from children to teens. It was as different as the visits of the past as younger children or pre-teens. They had all changed so radically both physically and emotionally. It was beautiful to watch-and scary too.

And I know there is more to come. Imagine our next visit when likely most will be 16/17/18 (a big difference than 14 and 15 from my experience so far). Imagine then??????

Having teens is so so exhausting and hard. For me it is the loneliness and alienation that really defines it. The way we feel often like yesterday’s trash as a parent, the way we suddenly cannot find a way to communicate to them effectively, the way we don’t feel appreciated or honored or respected so often. It is alienating and lonely. Your sweet child becomes a monster overnight in so many ways.

As my husband said of our movie night with our boys last night “I feel so lonely” Me too, Hon.

And then amongst this all are glimpse and snippets of the wonderful family we have always had. The family dinners, the great traditions the still I love you before beds and the opening up about their lives at tuck INS. There is great stuff still there-but it is still much harder to access. So much hard to get more often. Sometimes we give up as we are just too tired from trying so often. But when it is there is it so comforting and amazing and wonderful. They have all shifted to their peer groups.

And then there is the thing for mr which is hardest than anything else is seeing them hurt so much. Seeing their internal turmoil take them over, their internal chaos stays chaos. See the pain and the hurt and the reality of real life of loss of rejection of failure eat away at them. And they are not mature enough or capable really of handling it. But the problems remain there to deal with. I hate watching people I love hurt-it is by far my biggest weakness.  

I am not sure I know what it is so be a true adolescent. I think I experienced my adolescence much more in my 20’s and early 30’s than I did in true adolescence. I was preoccupied with making sure my parents never felt the rejection alienation, loneliness and the  sometimes even rudeness and slight almost  bullying that we are experiencing now from our three children in many ways. I was not as courageous as our three children nor did I perceive my environment as a child or teen secure enough for me to rock the boat to that degree. I did not hold my mother capable of feeling such alienation and loss and grief and bad attitude from me (where as I am sure in reality she would have coped just fine). My father was mentally ill and often openly  sometimes even suicidal (which I think was a threat more than a reality) I don’t think was even in the picture of my adolescence or would have cared much what I felt or did not feel as a teen as he was largely preoccupied with himself most of the time at a time when the focus should have been on me I felt in my home for whatever reason accurate or not that there was not a place for the period of my own adolescence. My job was to build up my parents feeling of comfort and security and not to tear it down.

In marriage that changed as I married a very very stable man of 12 yrs. older and wiser than me that I felt fully capable of being alienated, bossed around a little acted out uponJ  That stage thankfully is over and there was enough unconditional love around for us to make it through and for him to forgive me in many ways.

And teens will be teens we all know that. This too shall pass we all say as our mantra. But as my friend so eloquently said the other day” there are normal teen issues and then there are the factors that make it even so much harder and she is right. Many of us feel that we have those circumstances in our lives. Not only do we have to raise teens which is already difficult enough in and of itself but we have extenouss circumstances beyond our control  that can make it feel even more like a living hell some days of the week. A step parenting situation where the biological other parent is a mess and has completely immature and harmful laissez faire and polar opposite expectations and rules or lack of them that runs like poison through a teens tempted veins. Another friend I have whose daughter has severe anorexia and which defines the family in every shape or form. Another friend I have whose daughter is obese and has to deal with this on top of everything else which affects her socially to a large degree and she has an utter lack of confidence . The list goes on and on of people I know who deal with all the normal obstacles of teens and then have their share of added layers of complexity to deal with.

We too certainly feel we have been handed our own added layer of complexity in all of this. Our daughter with scoliosis is a big one. We often ask ourselves how she would be if she was not in brace 20 hours a day? Each time I write this my heart breaks as I just want this nightmare over for her. I want her free and out of this prison in her body. I want her mind not to have to go to deep dark places each 6 months of the what ifs of spinal fusion each time we get x-rays done yet again (coming up again in February). I don’t want her to be different, and in pain, in a brace that commands her life. People look at her and think she is coping very well. I as her mother know otherwise. Scoliosis is the enemy at a time in her life that is by far the most difficult already. I had lunch with a woman the other day that went through what my daughter did at the same age and she called it: life altering. She carried resentment, anger and pain in her heart for years at the fact that people think carrying this off is much easier than it actually is. Try wearing a brace around your house for 5 hrs and come talk to me after. Then imagine doing it for 3 yrs. .The other day a friend of mine at said her bra was too tight after a long day at work and was aching to take it off and was bothering her so much she could not concentrate on our conversation. I gt up from the table and silently cried in the restaurant’s bathroom just thinking of how my daughter must feel all day long everyday with much more than a bra to contend with.

Then our son with ADD diagnosed late in life in Grade 9 and realize that he has a high level of it. A daily struggle that he copes with very well but defines his life in many ways . You can’t understand it unless you have a child who suffers from it. You can’t know. The changes of strategies and medications, the side effects, it goes on and on and on and is always ever present. When it comes to health stuff there is no break. Not a single day. You carry your health or lack of it with you through life. You want and the others around you want to forget about it but you cannot.  Unlike circumstances of life that change and alter , health stuff you carry around for always most the time. Unfortunately. We all carry our own unique suitcase of pain and obstacles and challenges that make raising teens harder. Having teens in general is one tough act but have extra very hard circumstances already added to this load? Can feel really really heavy.

Our middle son thus far (thank god) is our regular normal teen with no other issues to date to handle. And this is bad enough!!!!! Where did our sweet peaceful easier guy go??? Nowhere in sight have I tell you.

So this weekend is relaxing but also lonely too. We have each other and a strong marriage thank goodness, but I know in my heart it is due for some tweaking and adjustments as we navigate new ground as a couple and of parents of three now real teens. We don’t have the shining brightness of younger kids in the house anymore to even the mood out. Nor do we have a dog to distract us. We don’t have a lot of friends who have teens so a lot of “it is normal!” or “try this!” is around us and we need anchors of those who are going through it or who have gone through it anchoring us more often as we saw in our conversation in Toronto which were comforting and helpful to all of us in this survival mode.

Our family is changing and growing up .We are forced to change because of it. My prayer is that one day they will all come back to you wrapped up in a ribbon with smiling faces and open hearts seeking and craving the family life we always shared with them. My prayer is that we will be able to survive and thrive as a couple through this sense of alienation, and anxiety and loneliness and often failure of what we may have done wrong as parents. And I pray that our own set of unique and challenging circumstances surrounding health of two of our children will create resilience in both of them and strength to overcome other obstacles in life.

Lately sending them away to university has sounded more and more attractive to usJ) But I know it is not the right thing for our family. I need to find our way through...together as a unit. I need how to learn to love them all and love my life as much as I did before when things were simpler and easier. I need to learn to be capable enough and strong enough as parent to live one of the hardest stages of life and parenting alongside them. I need to set an example of that strength for them.

And to  find it in myself.

The Legacy Living Room Chair

I miss writing so much. It is really something that relaxes me and makes me happy. I really love writing on this blog. And I have missed it. Now often it is once a week and sometimes even more times passes without writing. I am making other choices (mostly involving tons of work and Christmas shopping and seeing friends on weekends in December) they are good choices but I still miss my blog. I hope I can find a way soon to integrate it back into my life the way it used to be.  I am using my creativity in many other places for work. Working as an entrepreneur has lots of pros, but one of them is not time. Flexibility yes but not time. Working in an office is much much more predictable. This whole new schedule and lawyers and accounting and incorporation and invoicing and driving all over the city and travelling on planes and trains- are throwing my life off more than a little.

And I (mostly) love itJ

So living room chairs have been on my mind lately. Ours in particular. About 8 yrs. ago we had a decorator help us with the décor of our Livingroom. Originally we were going to go for the Fairmont hotel looks of fireplace, deep burnt oranges and warm reds-a little mustards yellow thrown in, patterned striped chairs and dark walls. This is not a joke: our decorator threatened to quit.

She convinced us that peace and serenity and beauty are in the timeless classics of beiges and neutrals and that if we felt the need of some reds and oranges to  throw in a  cushion. What she designed is beautiful and I adore that room. Even our cushion is in classic striped silk beiges and creams and I love the relaxed way I feel in that room. Unlike a hotel reception with a fireplace where I cozy up for 2-3 hrs and read a book in the warm reds and yellows….I have to live in my house. And creams and beiges, greys and whites and lots of soft aqua is where I feel best to live & love.  By far. With a lot of colourful and cozy accessories. These colors comfort and calm us.

Our decorator suggested we have 4 custom made Livingroom chairs made two in a cozier velour fabric with footrests matching and two more classic linen wings tipped ones. (All in beige or taupe). At the time I did not get why custom made and so expensive, but she convinced us that is important that you have furniture that will last a lifetime and be able to pass down to your children. So we went for it! (not sure our kids will care about our chairs when we die but found reasonable enough at the time!)

So they were made (wish I had a picture but I am not at home right now) . All four are comfy and gorgeous and beautiful. And the point of this blog? Only one gets sat in. Well actually two. Three of us only choose one and Hubby chooses another. One of us is not attached to any of the chairs. Weird eh? There is the favorite in that room. And even if it has its matching twin right across from in positioned exactly the same way sideways to the fireplace with a same matching footrest three of us choose “ the” chair.

For me it is working in that chair. I am mostly at my desk as have an office in our home on the first floor with a big window facing out to the front yard (probably the biggest reason we bought house 16 yrs. ago was that office that we knew one day would be inhabited ) but at least four hours of any workday I am in that chair . I run the gas fireplace too and it is so cozy. I put my feet out and put a blanket on top of me and have my lists and lists and lists in front of me and my laptop. I rehearse my presentations on that chair, plan our life, and speak to my clients. I discipline our kids from that chair and discuss our marriage. I make good and bad decisions from that chair. When I am at the gym in the mornings I dream of coming home to that chair and drinking a smoothie and texting and email on my phone with a blanket on top of me. That chair is a huge benefit of working from home.

 It is (was!) my chair.

Then about two years ago Chase started sitting there. To speak on phone, to facetime, to text. His ex-girlfriends used to sit in his lap on that chair, he watches movies on that chair and his best friend loves that chair too. He does projects and homeworks on it and studies on it. He stays up until all hours of night on that chair doing God knows what speaking to foreign strange girls on that chair!(PS I don’t find his values coming through as much on the texts I sneak a peek at as last month!)He writes stunning macroeconomics reports on that chairs and studies for math exams he occasionally  fails on that chair.

Beauty loves it too. She speaks to her BFF on facetime on that chair and falls asleep on the phone with her BFF on that chair. She opens her Bday gifts on that chair and wraps her cozy Arie blanket around her shoulders on that chair and eats snacks (even though in theory no food in that room. Baskets C!) She reads her school books on that chair and texts her friends on that chair. When she needs a timeout (yes even at 14 yrs!!) she chooses that chair.

Bear? Doesn’t care what chair he sits in. He is mostly sitting on the basement sofa he chose from Ikea playing video games or out doing sports or watching sports or eating at cage des sports and watching sports with his friends. He sits in whatever chair is available.

Hubby has (had) his on chair. It is diagonal to the one we have and made of linen in taupe. It is winged tipped and actually has a stain from his hair resting on it (eww) from all of these years it been sat in the exact same position. He still sits in in now. He still chooses it. He still really likes it. But it is not his anymore. He gave it up in lots of ways but still visits in here and there in a comfortable way.

That used to be the chair that every day he came home from work in to have a drink. A vodka martin (or two) with olives to be specific . I would sit across in my chair and talk about our day. It was a realizing, predictable, comforting time of day and something to look forward to. But it didn’t work anymore for us or for our family and when he gave up drinking totally he also gave up his chair in many ways. He had to. We knew the chair would be the first thing to go. It was hard but he got through. Now he sits on that chair again, not necessarily at the end of the day but at various times of the day. He sits in it now in a different way, in a different mood, in a different space. And our routine at the end of the day has been replaced by other things we like to do. We use our room more, we cuddle more, we watch more TV, and we do more things with the kids and more stuff around the house. His chair won’t be the legacy but it will always be remembered as part of our history. In all our minds that chair will always be where the family hero sat. We respect him so deeply for giving up his chair for us.

As you can see these chairs is a rich part of our family. And our history.

 Why do we all (3/5) choose the same chair? Is it better than the other chairs? No! Is it different than the other 3 chairs? Not at all! Is it better located or situated or closer to the fire? Nope!

I think we get comfort from the fact that we all like it. It bonds us. It is predictable. We like that others sit in it too. Even if it is all unconscious. And the two who haven’t needed to sit in that chair yet maybe they are just waiting for the right moment in time to need it. Our decorator was right-the chair has become a legacy. Our legacy. It is our chair and it is special and it is priceless. Life happens from that chair. It brings peace and comfort and predictability to our lives.

It is the legacy chair after all that it was intended to be.