Passion?

I am not sure I would ever describe myself a passionate person.

Funny, because many people I know [personally and professionally)would describe me that way. But it’s not the way I would describe myself at all. If anything I would say that I lack passion in many areas and it has affected my life in many ways in not so great ways. I have always envied people who are very passionate. And is something I have coveted for myself.

I have lacked interest in hobbies for the most part; I am not attached to a particular sport or activity. I do a lot and try a lot but the only thing I seem to be hooked on are reading and beaches? I have always wished that innately I would enjoy baking a banana loaf on a Sunday morning or feel inclined to plants some petunias in our beautiful yard on a lovely Spring day. Nope. Nada.

Even physically I always had to grow into hugging people and often I feel so tired  or irritable most the day and night I find it a chore to roll over and give a massage or a lingering kiss (omg I am so so so boring!)

Then things I grow to love ,like waterskiing and wakeboarding that I learnt as an adult-I fall ,and have an accident within two years and end that blooming passion. I kinda have a passion for eating certain things (curried checked, pasta, French baguette, cupcakes?) but they are all starchy and can make me gain weight and I don’t like to cook any of them but lie on the couch reading while someone else does. Is that a passion?

Friendships and Family are a passion on many levels, but even with that there are issues. I get annoyed with many often who are passionate about something  for no apparent reason (or big apparent reasons!) and when someone around me expresses too much passion I tend to run away and hide. I am a basket case eh? Too much passion scares me. And annoys me too if I am honest.

Professionally I am definately more passionate, but not half as passionate as I come across as. In the past I was totally passionate about having a cozy well paying, power status position Passionate about how good at my job I was, as has always been very easy for me to master things that involve brain power, determination, obstacles and problem solving. I was passionate about keeping those careers, and flexible schedules, or having a team, or delivering really well, of making an impression, of being really good at what I did, of being social and surrounded by many brilliant people daily, or getting work done through others and winning some great awards.

But in bed at night did I dream of waking up the next morning and doing it all over again (and again and again?) Was I passionate as many of my colleagues were of making a difference in a client’s lives that would transform them? Did it ever really transform them? Or were they part of the next round of layoffs or fall of their high horse as soon as made an error at the risk of innovation?  Is working in a huge company making a difference in the lives of people generally? You tell me.

I loved each and every day of my corporate career truly. I really did. Most people that knew me would say that I was passionate. The ones who knew me really really well knew there was more passion for me to be discovered professionally in other ways.

As of last weekend –things have changed. Professionally that is. I am declaring myself passionate. OMG! I am PASSIONATE people. Each day is different, each day is fulfilling, every day I wake up and am surprisingly so excited about what the day brings. Each day is diverse, I feel I am making a difference, each day I feel pride of what I have built and seem to be sustaining, and each day has a different flavor. And the flavor belongs to ME. It is MINE. I have brains and street smarts and I am putting them to use in exactly the way I see fit. I wake up and am excited and driven to get on my email to see what awaits me. Will this passion last? Can it stay? Is it possible?????

And the answer is: I truly don’t know. I am a master of practicality, good decisions and efficiency. Also we need money to sustain our life style that is for sure. And one thing I am very passionate is my lifestyle (aka our cottage) to have this we need to achieve a certain income and that is not negotiable. Will  I be able to succeed at this that I  am this passionate about, and that is this flexible be able to provide me with this stability financially long term. It certainly looks like it so far. I am very in demand and the clients are very very happy. Big clients too.

But somehow it feels foreign to me to be making good decisions and efficient and financially stable and be passionate at the same time. Doesn’t seem real? But it is. I know it is. Feels like an amazing dream in, any ways that I don’t want to wake up from. And in others ways it is so so so hard. Entrepreneurship can be lonely, and confusing and frustrating, and create anxiety. It has interfered with my sleep, my family and my structures and routines. It is a whole different mindset.

I get restless sometimes. I know that I get bored quickly. Even as I edit and post this blog today I questions if I should and ask myself if I really am passionate. Passion often seems to fleeting to me. It never seems to stay. I have a huge weakness in character in this area. I need a lot of excitement. I am restless

(And I still miss the corporate cupcakes and especially the stir fry line.)

But there are many others things I am getting used to alos. Working from home (which isn’t hard as so often not there as at the clients location) I miss wearing the clothes of a company as now each time I see a client I have to wear a full business suit everyday vs one day a week when I was presenting and more of a business casual look some days of the week when I was at a company. I am getting used to the irregular pay that come in large amounts and then taper off for a few months and come again in big amounts soon. I am getting used to balancing short and long term and working vs networking and finding the perfect balance of the two.  I am getting used to not knowing what my week or day will look like at all and feeling ok with that. I am getting used to setting up subcontractors just in case and using them as I need to.

I am getting used to collaborating and using more of my green energies. Using my instincts more and sensing and judging less. Taking the help I am offered professionally and going with the flow. Praying a lot at night it will all work out?

And yesterday I knew I had found my passion. It was actually the perfect professional day and a few minor things made such the difference. Was it sleeping in until 8am and working in bed beside hubby that made the difference? Was it the cute and funny texting conversation I had with one of my stay at home mom friends whose life is so different from my own but never fails to make me laugh and come back to what is important to me? Was it a quick car phonecall with a BFF I have missed with a quick update? Was it landing the contract with a massive multinational coming I am been liaising with for weeks? Was it giving up money on a contract and deciding to collaborate on it in partnership with a person I know I can learn from? Was it the laughter that stayed in my heart all day and all evening from a client who I barely know who also signed a large contract with me yesterday who put me up to the craziest most eccentric piratical joke ever (to which I agreed!!!!!!)? Was it ending the day two hrs earlier and heading up to the cottage with my husband to wait for our kids in a second car and watch a ton of TV?

Or was it the sweetest, smartest, dearest combination of all of the above? I think it might have been one of the best days of my professional life as an adult (and I have had many) something about it led me to believe:

I have found you MR/Mrs. Passion. I have worked sooooooo hard for you-and there you are so shy and insecure and like a lady in waiting. There you are…Come hither my dear and let me hold you? You are mine for now and hopefully forever. Stay with me, guide me and be my Valentine?

I had the feeling yesterday that maybe, just maybe things would fall into place. And that for once in my life maybe I wouldn’t have to try so hard or think so hard. That my talent and personality would somehow be enough to be the perfect combination to keep sparkling. And shining.

Fabulous weekend

A Fabulous weekend

Excuse punctuation ( or lack of it.. On an iPad vs a computer )

There was something really really good about this weekend. If i was a drama queen i would call it magical even. And best part about it .? It was fairly ordinary. I think it was the fact it was longer .. Also had some kids parts and some couple parts ( my recently divorced friend has been telling me lately that this part of divorce is the good part)
Longer weekends always follow the same pattern for me : i am always a little hesitant friday night of the weekend ahead and wonder if i will enjoy it and be able to relax? By Saturday afternoon i am fully convinced and by sunday night I never want to return home.

Same goes for work. Monday mornings i feel fear and then i learn to love it all again by tuesday afternoon. I guess i don't do well with transitions. I am lucky that i adore my work so much but also being away from work .

What made this weekend wonderful?

- fairly last minute we decided to extend it and take a half day friday off and half day monday without the kids. Having a son drive and two flexible schedules rocks in this way

-the time with the kids we appreciated  so much as seems to seldom lately . Sadly Bear was on a ski trip but the other two were lots of fun and a rare and great dynamic the two of them together

- being outside : walking on the lake , making a path on the lake with the 4by 4 , skating in the forest, walking at night in the dark on the lake before bed, outside amazing jacuzzis . I seriously love cottage winter life . Almost as much as cottage summer life

-loving the crisp pink cheeks get in winter. Makes us all feel alive

- so happy for Beauty she has found a new gang at the mountain since leaving ski competition team . They all went for a spaghetti dinner at the hill saturday night and night skating in the forests . The girl attracts friends so so easily . I am so happy for her . She met both the girls last week for the first time and there she was hugging them with dear life when she said goodbye

- happy chase still trusts me . There was an incident that worried me this weekend with a group of friends and i tried to check his texts after he went to bed . He caught me and confronted me. It taught me a lot about my son and myself . It was hard :( i love the way at the end after some very hard talks that he climbed in my lap and said" i love you mama". He is 18 now . I need to stop my quarterly audits i am thinking


- cuddling with hubby on the couch . We have our  shows and our movies and cuddles on the couch piled in blankets . We have our cottage routines and we love them

- finishing season two of homeland . Love that we have a show again

- watched two really great movies . When chase's plans got canceled last minute saturday night he joined us for movie ( willingly! ) that was fun

- beauty's shy smile this weekend as she danced hip hop for us. Something about that smile struck me and made her so precious. She glowed

- watching a movie with beauty on the couch in front of the fire under lots of blankets . Felt so close and connected

- chase and his new haircut. What a shocking handsome guy . All new clothes and style too . Wow

- bears recount of jay peak and how much he loved his time there . Miss him!

- the food as always and eating it around the counter ( french onion soup . The yummy homemade Cesar salad, pork roast with grilled garlic and all dressed baked potatoes, spinach feta tangerine salad, spaghetti by the fire, homemade lemon meringue pie, red velvet cream cheese cookies

-staying up late at 1am and hubby and i lovingly making lunches for the kids who are up at 6:30am for their jobs at the mountain

- reading a great book

-planning some great dates with friends ( cant wait until friday !!!! )

- fleece sheets ( seriously how did i not know about this all my life ?? )

- sleeping in late late on sunday morning . Love love sleeping in

- dads and daughters taking 4 by 4 to tim Hortons and daughter actually driving . Daughter buying dad breakfast ! Chase stopping in as was getting gas near by . Mommy getting a massage at an auberge


- last but not least . Taking a break from my phone . I always do on weekends but this was longer as had two half days extra . I need it . Sprint . Recovery . Sprint . Recovery . Sprint . The phone reminds me of the week ... And i need  to indulge in the precious weekend . On weekends and vacations we both use hubby's phone to be in touch with the kids and mom and friends and stuff . It works



I am loving the flexibility of schedule . Scared of course that this will lead us to have to sell some stuff as taking too many days ! But that is besides the point . I am working my ass off and also living my ass of too .
And this is when i am most happiest
Work hard/ Play hard seems to have been invented for me

I love love love love cottage life!!!

I get it Now

For  years people around me have been talking about how getting older sucks.
I have not related to it so much because i was young.
I didn't  think either that i would never not feel young at heart.

My husband is 12 yrs older than i too so i have always been young.
Well until now.

Somehow this year i feel older even though in many ways i am in the best shape on a fitness scale than i have been since my 20's
I still feel young at heart and i think i still look fairly young too .. But something has changed in me

Could it be that i will turn 45 yrs old in 10 months??? ( ssshhhh for all the young cute men i lied to at work about my age ) somehow that number just does not seem that young?

And often friends and i discuss our dr appts or hormonal cycles . Or our ailments!!!!! Yikes!!!

How the hell did i get any ailments anyways??
Are those not only for old people??

And i just generally care less . Sure its nice to dress nicely and look pretty but seriously does it matter if my winter boots have heels or not? Are boys actually going to notice if i wear a short black dress anymore ? ( sad but true!)
I saw a bunch of girls in their 30's the other day and thought to myself .... Wow they have it all. That used to be me ! All fashionable and cute and caring about their designer diaper bags.


Dont get me wrong i still care alot ( not about diaper bags but bags in general ) but its just not the same . Those 30 yrs old wont be noticing my lole or coach bag anymore .... They will  notice eachother's
Me and my friends will be the middle aged moms with nice purses.


Buy maybe not coincidentially i also feel very relaxed and at peace alot of the time too. A feeling very foreign to me. And i quite like it.  Just comfy cozy in my own skin .. My marriage ... My frienships .... I feel like a cozy blanket in alot of ways ( a little worn out too)
Content . Happy. Still like my reflection in many ways especially with some lipgloss and high boots and a good bag.

More importantly i like the older me better on the inside .
And i am wiser everyday

And you know what? This is good enough for me :)

Making Time for the Important Things and Disciplined with Good Habits

These two things above aren't easy to balance. Most people are good at one or the other rarely both. The same for me. I have mastered one area and struggled in the other.

Then came along my severance period from the company I used to work at. I had always promised myself having worked for large companies all my adult life that I would never resign. I deserved a severance package and I was going to make sure I never left the company without one.

At the time it doesn't feel like a gift. But in reality it is. Everyone had always told me that and it is true. A bit like a maternity leaves ... A gift of time (without having to take care of a bebe!)

For me I used that time to work and build further my company as that was what was best for me and my family. I needed to very quickly secure our financial well-being for the future. But I also used that time to get much more disciplined with good habits. The extra flexibility in mornings allowed me to do what I have always wanted to do in mornings until 9:30am. And just overall allowed me to choose more how I use my time (although I work more than I ever did at a big company in many ways)

If I look back at my life and routines and patterns... I have always been good at making time for the things and people important to me . Mostly the big stuff like vacations and spa days and time alone as a couple etc .

Some of the more ordinary day to day stuff however that is still important to me like cooking for the family , making time for one on one time with the kids , lingering over late night chats with the kids when I am tired etc. .. I want to so but don't do as often as I want 

I am very very diciplined in many areas of my life ( especially work as nobody can believe I work from home and actually sit in my home office and work in work clothes when not at clients offices or meetings )

However things at home I am less disciplined about.

Recently I have begun much more consistently making time for important stuff both big and small and good habits:

Watching a show with Beauty once a week on Wednesdays 

Watching a show with Bear some Wednesdays 

Exercising consistently and walking rain shine or snow to the gym 

Drinking protein shakes in mornings for over 1.5 yrs. now 

Going to the cottage with Soulkeeper a few times a year just the two of us 

Trying to plan a health kick exercise boot camp yoga week for myself. Locations tbd . Cottage ? Caribbean?

Combing business travel with pleasure to see friends (sister savvy in toe not coming up soon ...etc.)

Getting to bed by 11:45pm 

Listening to the news each time I am in the car

Buying a treadmill (which is still in a box in the garage!)

Being in a routine of cooking twice a week. Omg ! It is actually happening!

One thing I have wanted to do door years now and have not gotten in a regular habit since the kids were little are 1-1 dates with each kid. So tonight I grabbed my daughter and want to a great pad Thai place just the two of us (best pad Thai and spring rolls ever despite them being very cheap on the lime slices!!!) was a really nice night with beauty and I realized how important this is to do - to connect in this way.

Next is Bear and then Chase 

Got home to a pile of work and home stuff as was downtown with a client all day and decided to ignore it all. Sat at table with Chase while he ate his dinner... Watched a show with Beauty (our fave series ) got on cozy pjs and just lay in bed .

I am capturing and enjoying many more moments . At the same time I am the most disciplined with good habits I have ever been .

And it feels good !

If the business and money can continue I come in .. This entrepreneurial lifestyle ain't half bad !  But as we all know it's never consistent is it?

I am just realizing lately to listen more to my wants and need and desired and my heart. Use my head a little less and soak up all those ordinary moments that make up a day and feel good. So what if I look like the Easter bunny in my big pink flannel too and skippers or my sheets are flannel. They feel sooooo good .

So do my chats with the kids and  take the time to make fajitas I home cooked . All the moments that make up a day is really what we are left with when it comes down to it .

I am shifting . So are my moments .

A New Normal

My Protector, since I have had a blog, prints out a book of it on Valentines. And I find this so sweet. Mostly because I have never (and still never) have anything to do with it. He always remembers and it is always high on his priority list somehow. It is a small miracle. And the blog books bring me tremendous pleasure in the same way that framed pictures do. They bring unlimited joy to me each time I pass them by on the shelf. They also make me feel like my legacy will live on forever. I have a dream that if I die maybe my kids would read an entry a week or something to keep my thoughts and memories alive (or maybe a month? A year? Burn the book???)

So my blog of Jan 31st is always a little more special as the book gets printed Feb 1. It is also the date my Dad died. Coincidence? I am not sure.Anyways this year there is a 30% sale on the printing of the blog book so my husband asked me if at all possible if I could make my last entry Jan 17^th (his birthday). And so this is the special one.

So………….

There is not a whole lot to say. And boy oh boy does that feel good! Nothing new to report on scoliosis, brain injuries, personal struggles, jog loss. Stable. The good...the bad...the ugly; It’s either all stable or we are just getting used to the new normal of it all somehow. Which I guess is good?

These days it doesn’t take much to please me. And today and tonight are very very pleasing to me. Really just the gift of an Ordinary Day which just happens to be my favorite day of the week by far. Saturday. With the relaxation of the day behind us and the promise of another weekend day ahead. Saturday is just lovely.

And I realize that is what is special before blog book is pointed: This moment. The moment of today. The pure happiness of having the five of us together after three weeks of not one dinner or weekends with all of us here. The pleasure of having us sit by the fire tonight (3 weeks late) and do our New year looking back and forward tradition which might be the thing I have enjoyed about my life the best so far –this gathering and tradition. Way more than Christmas or Valentine’s Day or any birthday.

Hearing the four people I love express who they are and the way they see life, openly and transparently and matter of factly. And sharing it and putting it in a book in a messy untidy sort of way. Just the real way our life is. Beautiful and a little chaotic too. A little messy.

Hearing Beauty and how her brace made it onto the looking back and forward in not such a good way. Understanding that her item of “2015 sucked”  was important to her even though we are not sure why. Seeing her write 9 heartfelt resolutions and goals and exhilarated by her emotion and sense around it all. The clarity she has about her life and what she wants. I love that about her so much. I love her so much. My heart aches sometimes of the closeness I want and sometimes get.

Seeing Chase letting go and moving on so well. So gracefully growing up. So much like me day by day I must say. He and I will be business partners one day I bet. The house is so full of happiness with him back this week. Him turning to me alone by the fire after and saying “Mom I have something hard to tell you” And just telling me. And me being ok with it because of the deepest highest regards I hold him in. I trust him to make decisions that are right for his life. I really do.

And Bear-going through such a difficult stage right now. Distancing him so much. Losing parts of him so much. But coming back to the list-he comes alive again. So clear on what he wants and so proud of what he got. Feeling him closer and closer as he goes through this exercise with us. The clarify and simplicity and directness that kids has. He is a shining star.

And finally my husband. The birthday boy tomorrow with the big Chinese dinner planned with all his family coming which makes him very happy. My guy. With a great great list that he shared. So honest and truthful and humble. Such a different list than mine. So unique and guided by his heart. So many things for me to look forward to in that list. I have a great guy. It’s a fact. Today was a little bittersweet for us, just simple and sweet and a little melancholy and a little romantic too as we discussed some stuff that made him feel a bit insecure and sad-but at the same time the trust between us so high that he gave me his support. I love him a lot.

Our new normal around here is three teens. A lot of change. A lot of increased alienation, a lot of distance, a lot of late night and early morning chauffeuring, a lot of negotiations, a lot of worry, a lot of sadness and tons and tons of changes.

But in between that all we get a night like tonight. A lovely Saturday night at the cottage the five of us. Close, comfortable. Creating memories together and ending with a big group hug. Music in the kitchen and secrets by the fire. A new long awaited movie on Netflix will be watched and some cuddling (and fighting on the couch)

In between it all-all the growing and changing and asserting and transforming-there is just what we always were as a family and hopefully always will be:

A whole lot of living and loving going on. And that is my extraordinarily blog post for this year.

.

18th Bday Party Chase. Survived and Alive

We did it !

He did it !

I did it !

(this was written more than a week ago and just posted now)

We survived our first teen big party .And not just survived but all enjoyed it very much and  overall was a good experience for all.

(I truly can't believe I am daring to write this before even having gone downstairs to see the house and the state it's in as that is how much trust I have in all of this)

I did stay at my mom’s as planned. Texted and phoned hubby hourly to get news and make sure hubby stayed awake. I came home at 2:30am and tried very hard to sneak on door and just go to bed as was only the 5 sleeping over who were left.

All 5 boys came to door and greeted me and said “thanks for evening!” heavy beer on breath and red watery eyes. Voices a little slurred but still warm, friendly, respectful and kind. Assuring me that house was fine and that party was a blast and telling me how happy they were that things went well. One of them was Chase’s math tutor! (Almost a graduate from university to be a math teacher) guess they are great friends now!

 I had stars in my eyes speaking to those boys (young men). How lucky Chase is to be surrounded by such good people. 

Hubby was amazing too and not even close to falling asleep. Was still in his work clothes at 2:30 am! Stayed in our room but went down often and said hi and talked to kids a lot. Said all great and all girls totally beautiful! Of course we did not serve alcohol but there was lots flowing anyways but all maturely and respectfully.

He heard 40 sing happy b-day to Chase :)

Hubby ordered two big pizzas (umm two??... See why need a mom??? ) and of course had to order more (two more??) ummm maybe 8 more!! He was surprised that it was gone in a second. He was the perfect party supervisor. Calm cool and collected.

I had the perfect evening too at my mom’s. Went to Gigi pizzeria-my old childhood dig and ate and then back to her house and chatted a lot and then fell asleep a bit on her couch. Maybe pizza was not the best idea after severe gastro two days before?

 Ya on my way home 2:15am I had to stop and throw up two times in the snow! I was so paranoid a police would see me and think I was drinking! Or that I would get home and throw up in driveway and teens would think I was drunk!!

Just overall a great evening that wrapped up a very important milestone for our son. His childhood.. His younger adolescence ... This was something different. It was us trusting him.. And he trusting is. It was us acknowledging that he is in a brand new stage of life as more of a partner than a kid to boss around and make decisions for (ok well yes some bossing around still needed!!!!)

This kid makes us so proud 

I think we make him proud too 

I am proud of this party as was a bit of a finale of what we had always wanted for our teen and expected. Last night  was the package of the labor and result of parenting over 18 yrs. all tied up in one big large messy bow. 

And I am proud of myself that I am a parent who knows my own limits and was able to remove myself from a party that I knew would be better off without me there 

And enjoy my own precious moments with my own mama 

And ok now that it is a week later and just have not had time to post I have noticed a few unusual things around my house.

Let's just say my grocery list is a little obscene? Between Broccoli and Spinch there are a few questionable items which definitely woke me up in the grocery store!

Then there is my labelling machine. Let's just say the first label I printed this week was not something I would want a client to see!

And then of course all school calendars on fridge are written all over if “school is gay "!

And now Chase has been away 6 days in a condo with 10 teens at Mont-Ste Anne and clubbing alot and partying and this all makes me nervous of course as his mom. He is now into the more wild college life and it is harder to watch and get used too (no wonder parents like sending their kids away to college!) This is hard.

Anyways all this stuff just left me to overall accept. If this is the worst of it I will take it! Bring it on 

I actually saved the grocery list for Chase to look at one day and show hime that this kind of stuff is what made his friends tick at 18 yrs. old !

The friends who slept over in the morning saw the grocery list and the scribbled on calendar and said “sorry there are a few inappropriate things Tarina that our friends did " I quickly forgave them.

I actually would have been worried of all was perfect. They are teens after all and not robots!!

But of course hard to find that balance between understanding and worrying. Hard to know how open to leave the communication and how closed we should keep it. Certainly feels better to keep it closed and be ignorant but knowing what is going on I believe is better over all for the teens. Nobody said teen years were easy did they???

Monkey Bar Gym

Monkey bar 

As of Sept hubby and I work out together twice a week. At a super hard cross fit gym with people way way way more in shape than us .

After a few weeks we almost gave up but our eldest son did not let us give up (method of screaming in our faces wasn't optimal but it did work)

Since then we have been very good at going twice a week. The week before Xmas I didn't go and the week after Xmas didn't go as was sick ( and hubby felt he needed to support me I guess and walk me to the toilet to throw up ?? )

But we were back on today! And man was it hard. We also walk there in any type of weather (17 mins there and 17 mins back) for added fresh air and exercise.

It's something that so so so does not fit into our lives and schedules but which we know is needed and if we don't get it done in the morning first thing there is no hope at all.

Over Xmas vacation we were tempted to give it up fully again as just seem to have no time for this but instead just tweaked it a bit:

Mondays: hubby works until often 10:30pm at night! So giving up a 30 min break in morning (after driving kids etc.) so replacing reading iPad for 30 minutes with a big workout seemed lethal as a replacement. Same for me. Monday is only day of week I do any home or personal stuff (so work part day and do home stuff part) and if you know me well -work is way easier for me. 

So we tweaked as of next week an after workout will earn 30 mins of relaxation before starting day. This makes a huge psychological difference.

And wed workout.. We decided Chase will be driving the other two kids to school or bus in the morning and we will get 20 mins of relaxation in before our workout .( have not told him yet but seriously what's the point of having another driver in the house using your car if he can't help out ! )

So just go say I am living so far my commitment go get more moments.

Sometimes they are the littlest of moments but with a huge impact.

For me a bit of relaxation in the morning after the morning rush is like a good coffee to most people. It makes me day. And is required.

 Now that I have the type of career to be able to so this. I should.

We should.

And we will.

We also know that as of next week our lives become a whole lot busier and harder as we bought a treadmill and will each be using it twice a week. So every moment is precious as we know that we are adding on even more to our full load. But it's not even just weight anymore that is motivator. It is health and keeping what we have. We are realizing how hard walking up  big flights of stairs is etc. and we need to keep healthy for all the active trips we want to take and things we want to explore in our lifetime .

We need to exercise many times a week. It is no longer an option but a necessity 

I am glad we are on this together and thankful for my schedule that now permits me to literally kick butt!

I Hate when that Happens!

I wrote a whole blog over two days and right before I published erased it!! Was a great recap of this weekend but no time or energy so just a few key points I don’t want to forget:

I love winter and feel sorry for people who don’t’ have fave winter activities to get them through. Love love winter on weekends. Hate winter weekdays

-Bear and Chase started their ski jobs this weekend so now are busy 7 days a week and have to get up super early 7 days a week! Beauty her ski certification training to be an instructor next season. Proud of these kids! Their lives are one big ski mountain now

-Initiation for Bear as a new instructor was last night. At mountain for many hours doing gross and disgusting things and then his first real party with all 60 instructors. He seemed pretty into it and excited about this whole new world for him. Whole new world for us to to have all these kids sitting around the cottage counter talking to us about teen stuff and parties etc. Not sure ready for this again! Do I have a choice? At least they trust us...and talk to us! Even their totally wild friend talked to us a lot.

-Chase left for Mont St Anne for 6 days with a bunch of Cegep students. Boys and girls mixed in condos. I dared asked the question if teachers go to supervise (as organized by the school) they looked at me like I was insane! I guess I am forgetting they are college students now!

-Loved Jacuzzi in the rain and snow. Skating hand in hand with hubby in the snow. Love snow.

-I had lots of moments this weekend. Ignored lots of people. Made a homemade lunch of lime cilantro enchiladas (yes me!) Minded my business a lot, empowered my kids a lot. Helped they were hardly ever home I guess!

Report on big teen party here last Wednesday night soon

Also back to more interesting blogs soon too not reporting like. This whole teen stage just needs to be captured for me so I can read back one day or help all my friends who are soon to be there too. Just so many crazy moments to remember! Or forget

Today was super nice as once of first days in a long while juts did nothing. It poured rain so slept, napped, read, TV shows, ate out on way home. Chilled. Going to chill again now in front of Downtown Abbey. I love weekends so much. Scares me for the workweek juts how much I love weekends. Back to Monkey bar torture chamber gym tomorrow!

Wish us luck?

First teen party tomorrow night for chase's 18th bday
40 teens coming
Mom ( me ) is giving him the gift of my abscense and sleeping  at my own mommys house
Dad ( hubby) is supervising party. 9pm -2am  with wife texting him hourly ). Many sleeping over

Do you think a bad sign he fell asleep two nights in a row during fave show 9pm?

I am a mess
Hubby could not care less
Son is thrilled
So are his friends. So happy in fact they all decided to stay for dinner tonight

Beauty and bear will be sleeping elsewhere. Thet are back at school
Cegep life is one big party . Still two more weeks off
Working at home can kinda suck!

Can someone pls pls tell my husband to stop snoring before i kill him???

Adios

Hope me and my home and my son will be intact

Moments

Moments....

What are they? How do I make More of them? How do I savor the ones in between all the other ones? How do I balance out the important, responsible, necessary long term moments that secures the future with the spontaneous delicious indulgent ones that focus on the present?

2016 is sure to give me those answers..

Stopping to smell the boeuf bourginone in the crockpot. On my way there mixing in green food coloring into the icing for the cupcakes just because it looks prettier

Taking the car back to the forest to walk one more round in the snowflakes and outside fire in between chauffeuring the kids to and from the mountain

One of us cooking in the earlier morning with classical relaxing music playing while the other reads by the fire. Enjoying solitude-yet togetherness. Roles being interchangeable

Focusing on ME and US more in our daily lives and not just one the very occasional alone vacations. Since the teens are clearly getting their own lives –starting to look at getting our own lives too on a more regular basis. Social Dancing? Yoga retreats? Days in the snow planned just for us?

Walking by the kids who are (of course) on their phones and video games and instead of saying” why don’t you do something else!” giving them a soft kiss on the cheek and a smile

Interacting less with the kids and disturbing them less with nagging and chatter and letting  them enjoy their own forms of leisure while enjoying mine. Caring less and letting them live their lives while still expecting respectful and healthy interactions. Expecting less and getting more.

Really crystalizing our times we do have together and being home for almost all family dinners and making the times we do have really count (family games, family movies, family dinners, car rides, visits with extended family and friends) Worrying less about what happens in between

Trusting more and more. Warning less. Less teaching moments and more learning from them moments

Focusing way way less on the future and way way more on the here and now and the beauty and loveliness of the next 5 -10 yrs while we still have the privilege of having the kids home . Having the confidence that they have been taught and can now be gently coached. Believing in the strong foundation that has been built.

Cleaning up more myself. Twice a day tidy to calm my restless spirit and energy.

Cooking on Sunday lunches and Wednesday dinners and maybe even a big healthy salad on Mondays. Putting it in the calendar so it gets done. Stopping for delicious last minute ingredients and playing music while I cook (please please God just let me be able to do this even once in 2016!!!)

Move/Choose/Manage/Know/ DAILY whether on vacation or in normal life. Make it something my body and my mind always NEEDS. Have my angel spirits and live spirits guide my way on each category

Take a yoga retreat with my Hubby (on a beach of course!)

Make moments for time in Swiss and seeing a very very important friend who my heart and soul ache to see and spend time with in person (and her lovely daughter too)

Write all the things down I want to do in 2016 with friends, family, for myself and put reminders in my calendar and agenda and make absolutely sure they happen

Start nurturing young children more. Form stronger relationships with a few special little ones already in my life.

Foster a dog for 2-6 weeks and get this out of my system (or into it forever?)

Make more time for the people I love more systematically. See BFF’s more –couple friend’s more-take kids out to lunch more. Use my time that is more flexible than ever before in ways that please me.

Focus less on others (including Hubby and children) and more on ME. Focus less on the fancy stuff and more on the simple stuff. Get pleasure from a simple salad or a good workout, a nice walk, a good book, a good show, cleaning down the counter top with Lysol. Wearing a new lip-gloss

Make time for getting ready, getting pretty, cleaning up the house, chatting, answering a quick text, having a quick conversation

Follow my heart more and my brain less. Do what I like to do and don’t over think it so much. If I like checking email in a time when not with family directly then check it (evenings). Break my own rules more often

Always always have a: good TV series/a good book/ listen to news

Treasure tucks in times with the kids

Give lots of hugs and kisses –and get them too

Let myself do mindless things

Popotte more (clean, cook, wander)

Do something wonderful and kind for myself

Be daring and be younger . Don’t lose myself

Get away as often as we can afford to and is feasible

Leave more time for things: conversations, getting pretty, chatting, leisure, and spontaneity.

Listen so so so much more to my heart

Make time to be grateful. I was so grateful yesterday when I had food poisoning or severe gastro (nice way to end a holiday eh?) and my hubby just took over completely. He is a wonderful kind and caring man. He had ZERO time for this with a to do list longer than mine going back to work after 2 weeks off but took care of me , I love him. Best choice of my life to marry him. And when he is in charge of kids (aka I did not speak all day as was too weak) things are so super calm.  I need to learn from him. He is my 2016J

Anyways I don’t know if this blog makes sense of not as I am day 2 of being super sick but I wanted to end it and finish it off.

It’s hard to think of moments when real life comes back and vacation is over but it is something I have to do more and more and more. Today it feels nearly impossible having missed a whole day of organizing and cleaning yesterday and today my day is ruined by being sick and I wonder how I will possibly ever get anything done.

But life is really just a series of moments isn’t it? We can either blaze through them blindly or capture them lovingly. We can ignore them or seize them.

I need more moments. Of this I am sure.

I am daring myself to do it (for you poppet6!)

With love and happy 2016!

Tarina Lauren Kate

My Word for 2016

My word is:

Moments

What are moments? Moments I want more of, moments I want less of and all the best moments in between.

A situation happened the other day and my word became very clear to me for 2016. Something (minor) happened with someone close in my life where they were not able to complete  tasks they had committed to doing and asked me to take on these tasks last minute on Christmas Eve right before we were rushing to go to a big family party.

No big deal right? Of course not. It really wasn’t. Although left me an hour late for the party , totally out of breath, stressed and with many more things added to my already full to do list that ended up getting us to bed at 3am. No big deal. But inside rage swirled. And why? Because I like people have a plan B. Plan b’s are very important to me.

I tell this story not because it was a big deal or even bothered me all that much in reality but because it was an epiphany about me for my own life and inspired my word of 2016.

I always have a plan B. Always. Usually if I am honest a place C and even often a plan D. This situation above would never ever have happened to me. If I say I do something-I will do it. Don’t like to inconvenience anybody. I find a solution. Efficiently and quickly no matter what. I had 22 people over one Christmas and had severe gastro. Nobody knew. And if they did? They didn’t care.

I have been doing this forever and ever and ever. And I am exhausted. I get the plan b. and most  people  close to me in my life get  to have the moments- I realized that night. This is nothing asked me to do, but it happened all the same. I have always chosen to be the plan b keeper. My life is being keeper of plan B.

I want others to have more plans B’s and I want more moments. In theory we should all be somewhere in the middle which would be ideal. But is life ever ideal? To be honest I am not very good at all at just sitting back and enjoying the moments and a lot of close people are  not good at having long term thinking and back up plans. Does it make one of us better or worse at life? Absolutely not. We are all equally happy in different ways. 

Up until this point of my life as a parent I have found my style of being keeper of the plan B’s very effective. It has made my life easier. My kid’s life’s better, my husband’s life richer. It has kept us all generally happy, safe, and efficient, on track, united and very successful as individuals and a family. It has made our kids resilient, self confident, stable, out of trouble, and generally very happy and well adjusted.

Plan B keeper is not working anymore. For them , for us..but especially for me. I feel burnt. And my strong reaction to the above situation made me realize it is time to move to my own plan b…..and get more moments.

Let other people around me fix more stuff, worry about stuff more, take more on. Let the short term gain outweigh the long term pain more often and stop trying to stop it from happening. Enjoy the kids more now and let them take the long terms consequences of their action or in actions. Do a whole lot less focusing on others and a whole lot more of focusing on myself and my plan a, b, c or d and let them take care of their own plans.

None of this is said in mean way but honestly in a kind gentle and giving tome. It’s a good thing and not a bad thing. It’s not a strike at all but more a new way of being. I have found that in the raising of children I always needed to be that plan b keeper to do this the way I wanted to –and in general it has produced some great results (and some other questionable ones too)

That being said I know with certainty that now my parenting style has to (and will) change. It’s time to let up, ignore much stuff, transfer over many terms from high importance to neutral or low importance. It’s time to claim more of the beautiful moments for myself and for my family. To bask in bliss. To bask in ignorance much of the time (hence the expression ignorance is bliss) of course it is! So damn relaxing.

I feel in many ways my job is done. I still have a whole other job ahead of me of course but my first order of business is complete. It’s time to enjoy all the moments (in between). Imagine having to actually force yourself to do this? God I am a freak show.

I remember a parenting course teacher we had when my husband and I tool a great course and he has said that his style of parenting with his four kids was generally quite authoritarian and his kids and family enjoyed a really nice childhood together. He was a man of faith and the kids were encouraged to go to church on Sundays, pray in the mornings, abstain from swearing, and keep order in their home. He said this generally worked very well and he had a smooth running and happy home for many years. When the youngest child turned 13yrs old (so 4 teens in the house) all hell broke loose. His encouraging started turning into forcing and fighting and his kids often wanted to go to church but often also felt they had more important things to do some of the time. They wanted to play videogames instead of pray and much of the music they loved had words he did not agree with. Most just acted out in the normal teen ways with lots of resistance and attitude and eye rolling but the eldest 18 yrs. old took it to a whole new level. He moved out. He got into drugs; he did not have connections with the family he once loved. He turned on the God he had once treasured. He was actually on the streets and homeless for 3 months as his parents refused to let him win this power struggle that he felt their son had created. They refused to back down. So did he.

That parenting teacher told me that then and there after 3 months of praying and seeking guidance and attaching himself to a method of parenting that clearly was not working anymore for a son whom he used to have a solid and wonderful relationship with, he decided to completely change is parenting style. He became democratic and his household a democracy and from that moment on the literally lived happily ever after. The son came home-they all made decisions together. All decisions. There was encouraging but no forcing. Some went to church and some did not. Some swore (in moderation) and others chose not to. Two saved themselves for marriage and two had wild one night frequent one night’s stands. He said order was in all family rooms but chaos in some bedrooms and order in the other bedrooms. His kids became who they were meant to be with his strong guidance and values as a solid foundation. He said now as the kids all adults with their own families he is extremely proud of each and every one of them and the choices they have made (and PS now they all go to church and have tidy homes)

I will always remember this teacher. He adapted. He changed and he said he never ever for a moment regretted his parenting style of 0-13 yrs. old. It planted the strong foundations for his kids and for the family values. But beyond 13 yrs. old if he was to get more moments like he always had-he needed to do a 360 and do it a different way. And he did. He said if he had not adapted and lessen his grip and disengage from the power struggle that he would have lost his eldest son and lost the respect of his three other kids  somewhere along the way.

I am not in a crisis. Far from it. But being the plan b planner that I am I can proactively likely fend a crisis off. I don’t want to be in one to need to decide to take action. It’s time to change. I don’t feel like it, I don’t want to,. But I know I need to.For myself and for the changing times. It’s time to play a different role and a different game.

Tomorrow I will share more how I will do this .( did you really think that even with less of a plan B and more moments I would not have a plan at all)?

I am not going to change who I am after all but the way I do things. I am going to connect and most importantly adapt. I am going to finally claim a whole lot more moments that are rightfully mine. Mine.

It’s time to start living a life from a very different place and perspective and try it on for fit. Hell who knows? Maybe I will actually like it!

Happy New year to all! It’s going to be a good one.

PS-my word from 2015 was Flow. How did I do? Answer: Moderately

Professionally: I flowed like the longest river

Personally: I flowed a little. Sometimes a lot. Was generally much more calm and peaceful. Didn’t flow in some areas as much as others. Could have flowed more.