Life is Long

Life is Long

I keep telling myself this over and over the last few weeks as besides our luscious pause in time for our luscious vacation- it has been 24/7.

I miss connecting with friends on the phone

I miss writing on this blog. So much!!!!

I miss lying down to watch at show or read at night

I miss having time to catch up on my moms’ life.

I miss a lot. December is always like that as the holidays approach. Not only is work CRAZY but just life is crazy and every single moment is filled.

I miss having no time to think or for a lingering kiss.

But there have also been so many moments that I have cherished. Little ones with big impact.

Coming home for vacation at midnight last week and kissing the warm soft sleepy cheek of our daughter and seeing that she had set up her traditional sparkly hot pink Christmas tree in her room like she does every year. I love her sense of tradition and organization. I love the way her mind works

Seeing Bear “Study all Day” with three friends on what is supposed to be “Journee Carboneutre” (saving energy in gas  and studying all day from home and attending all classes on line)” Ya right! I would have believed it if one of his friends did not even attend their same school! Go on line register for class and then go play video games. Just makes me in awe of teenagers and their growing up process. Also proud of myself that I don’t get bogged down by this stuff or I would be a nagging machine. Their choices! Their consequences!

Seeing Chase become a man. Dating beautiful young woman again. Seeing his values and ethics come through and through again when I check his texts very occasionally here and there when I feel is needed and seeing who he is, what he stands for. This guy is a catch as a boyfriend and as a date and there are no lacks of girls who agree with me. He went on a beautiful date last night all dressed up and took downtown the car to the museum and a fancy dinner. With a sweet and beautiful girl. I am so glad that he is feeling so good.

And Beauty sharing Black Friday with Vanilla Bean and SoulKeeper too. Was a special the four of us and also a hotel for the night. I love this girl stuff. Never ever been more exhausted but was so fun.

And last night seeing my Hubby in his element with his college friends laughing and laughing and lighting up. Was a really nice dinner party.

And the letting go. Of a potential business contract I thought might be a hole in one for 2017 and beyond and is not. Of a part of a friendship that I thought was always predictable and safe and comfortable and which is not making me feel that way lately. Of a need to know for sure what is happening in my  career and letting it flow. Of a need to know how I will possibly get it all done on my own and knowing I will somehow find a way. Of needing to have both business and personal things clear for me to sleep at night.

My whole life is now a comfortable shade of Grey. Chase even looked at me this morning and said “Mom you look relaxed and beautiful. The way the light is shining on your eyes makes them grey and clear and pretty” Aww…….

So I am freaking out of all the things I feel I want to do and cannot do for the moment as not enough hours in a day. I miss them. I miss things. I miss moments.

And then I remind myself that if I am lucky… Life is Long and that there will be many moments ahead and always and I take a deep breath and focus on what is most important and urgent. Constantly trying to adhere to my own ethics that relationships take the place over all. Almost all of the time.

And pride in that the important things..the really important things like spending time with precious family and friends, contributing to those in need, connecting with loved ones on what is important to them and making time for social events and building traditions and special moments. Even throughout the chaos these still happen. Often these things are hard to justify, hard taking the time to do, hard to make happen. Sometimes we ask ourselves, how are we doing this, what are we doing this, how are we squeezing so much into the few hrs we do have? But we never ever regret these times. They are what we remember.

We feel good in December to make space for the moments that matter the most even if there are a whole lot of things that matter too that aren’t happening. And the other loooooong list on the to -do list that doesn’t get done? We tell ourselves…

Life is Long Enough.

If we are so blessed.

Up a Little Higher

And we'll go up , up, up

But I'll fly a little higher,

Go up in the clouds, because the views's a little nicer

Up here, my dear

It won't be long now, it won't be long now

(ps  lyrics symbolizing  my career and not death!)

I don’t have  even have a picture-and am glad I don’t.

Some things are made to stay just in our hearts in life

These special ladies surrounded me with so much diversity and so much specialness. It was a gift to spend 2 days and an overnight with them all. To get to see who my Mom loves too…makes my heart expand.

I have always wanted to know my Mom’s friends. For so many years has been a missing link for me for someone I am so close too-to be further from the world she inhabits when she is so close to mine in so many ways . I like that for the last few years I have gotten to know her world more closely through the different birthday parties we had and now through these two days at the cottage with her buddies.

On the second day specifically it was as cool for me as they were all so interested in what I do for work and specifically the book I wrote. It was like a professional  panel of people asking me question after question and asking me to expand on so many ways I preach and also live my life. I loved every second of it and really was intellectually stimulating for me too. I miss working at a large company for these types of conversations that I used to have daily-and was happy to engage it in for that day.

Felt a bit like a paparazziJ))))

And was cool for my Mom to see me in that element. My more work/speaker element. We all hold ourselves back from our parents a bit in life don’t we? Don’t let them indulge too much in the full potential capabilities we have? Don’t let them in on our full potential?

Was interesting for me to observe her observing me through their eyes.

And one so much on her journey on vulnerability and authenticity and so clearly open to the world around us and what it has to offer and what she gives it back specifically with her mind and heart  so fully tuned in and engaged.

The other so connected spiritually to the world and striving to combine prayer and action in her beautiful, direct yet soft way.

The other so trusting of life and accepting-a quality that is so rare and wonderful and unique and so powerful-a powerful loving curious nature she has.

The last-the one I know the least who touched me so profoundly when she said “ I wish you were my mom” could there be a sweeter compliment? And her hugs so unexpected and true. It touched me to the core.

They all did

.

And seeing my Mom amongst them. Loved. Loving. Her own world…a world apart from me. Her world.

They all want to buy a copy of my book. They will all get a copy next week-that is certain-but will be my gift to them. They gave me so many gifts that day (more than they could know).

Most importantly  they are all getting VIP front seat tickets to my “Lauren -Kate solves the problems of  the world 1 minute flat!!” future TV showJ))

Have Faith and the Rest Will Follow

What I have learnt this week is we all believe in different things but the bottom line is: Faith helps.

Those who do have faith in something somehow have comfort and solace and maybe even better outcomes. For some that could be traditional religion, for others a belief in nature, for some a belief in the power of spirits or memories, other lucky charms, others mantras, some sacred blessings to injured knees to heal, wishes sent to the sky for nannies passed away, wishes for fathers to try harder to do better in death than in life.

You just got to have faith.

That things will be ok. That they will turn out ok.

That everything will be allright in the END. And if it is not….. It is not the end.

I have lots of faith and many lucky symbols. I pray thorough Sister Savvy all the time for important things and even less important things (cool she lets me eh???). I pray to Soulkeeper’s mom Catherine who died when we were teenagers and now her precious Nanny too who we are convinced has teamed up with my Dad as a threesome to watch over our two families (we find great comfort in this as both of us had parents who had a hard time on their life on earth parenting us ). I use my lucky charm necklace for health stuff and surgeries and my Knowing perfume which I lost recently to be in “the know”.

I have a bendable monkey on my sink that I twist his body in the direction of my heart or purpose and a bald stress man that I squeeze when I want to throw my kids across a room. I have a lucky work charm bracelet and a power interview suit. I have lucky underwear too of course. New thing is standing like a super hero for 5 mins before important eventsJ

We all do it differently-but really it all comes down to the same thing: hoping and praying that this world will be kind with us and allow us to continue living well and inhabiting the bodies we live in well.

Just got to have faith. Whatever that means to you. It feels good and is a comfort. And who does not need a bit of those two things? Bring it on!

And ps-I lost my 7 yr pen two months ago and searched and searched for it for weeks. Today it turns up. At 10:01am. Lucky /Smart Girl. That was a real sign.

Playing it Back

There are a few incidents that happened over the last couple of days that I cannot get the images out of my mind. I replay them and replay them even though I don’t want to. I imagine what would have been? Or what could have happened?

And thank the universe that it was on our side. Thank-you

We had not slept in past 6:30am for about 21 days straight and chose Thursday to do so unitil 7:30am (wow what a treat eh such a sleep in!) Kids called friends and got lifts.

Phone rings at 7:33am and Beauty has been in a car accident L((((Nobody was hurt at all thank God!!!!!!  The friend’s Dad hit black ice and car turned partially on its side and all airbags back and front deployed. It could have been really bad. But it wasn’t. It left three girls very shaken up and the Dad extremely shaken up. He called later in tears……saying sorry. We never for a moment thought to blame him-it could have happened to any of us. We are just so so so happy the people in the car are perfectly ok. The car is finished but no one cares. The girls got s lift to school from an onlooker. The Mom of one of the girls (wife of the driver)went to school and took the girls out of class and took them for juice and snacks…Hubby had a lunch date with Beauty so she could speak about it and he could hold her. We were all so grateful. It was a hard day and I kept repeating over and over in my mind what could have happened.

That day at work-a bunch of things happened that normally would have really disturbed me and made me anxious. I won’t even be silly enough to think they belong anywhere near this particular post right now. But I was confused and needed some tender loving care. Hubby stayed up good hours into the evening talking with me. We went to bed.

I remember thinking before I fell asleep just how much I loved him.

I had a good sleep but at 5:00am my mind started spinning again about Beauty’s accident and about work –I could not get back to sleep. At 5:50am Hubby beside me gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. Something about the way he pulled of the comforter so abruptly confused me. He stood up and immediately fell from standing to on his back unconscious on the floor. I have never heard a bigger bang.

Even as I write this I want to shut my eyes and scream. Those few moments were traumatic  and I can never forget them. I rushed over to him and realized he was unconscious and he looked almost in pain…he would not respond. I was 100 percent sure he was having a heart attack or had a brain tumor….I was screaming and screaming so loud and shaking him so hard and he would not wake up.

The moment I remember most is not the shock of it all and not the action part and the ambulance coming. It was the approx. 10 seconds in between shock and action that I replay over and over in my head. When I was screaming and looking down at him and realizing this is probably it. I won’t be loved by this guy anymore and neither will the kids…we need him. We won’t be given the chance to love him in our lives anymore

My mind turned to action and I called 911 and was hyperventilating on the phone and could barely get our address. Somewhere during that call he woke up. Somewhere during it all the kids were all in our room. I have no idea when they came in, if they saw their father naked and unconscious on the floor if they saw it all….it’s all a blur. Suddenly Hubby was saying to me-no it’s ok no ambulance. I can’t go to the hospital –we need to be in court today and I have to prepare the file

Hit head had a big bump and blood was coming out of it. We got him in bed and he was fully alert. The ambulance showed up 25 mins later and stayed for 45 mins running EKGs, tests, blood sugar, vital signs, blood pressure. All normal. A mystery. He was back and back to us. Life would not change. This time we were give the lucky cards.

We were in shock over it. The kids arranged for other parents to take them to school, we lingered in bed in shock, we got up and Hubby prepared the file. We both showed up in court after mornings at work and hard meetings, we won our water infiltration case at half the amount we claimed. We went out for lunch and went to buy the boys some socks and Beauty some underwear.

The day went on but too much happened to ever really forget. Beauty was in a car accident. I thought my husband was going to die. We arrived at the cottage at midnight last night and volunteered at the mountain as of 7:45 am. Life continues. But the images stay in my mind and in my heart.

Especially of my husband. I have never loved him more than when he came back to us. To me..To comfort me and take care of me when the phone rings and our daughter is scared. To shares my work decisions. To live this life together that we have crafted and created and nurtured and designed.

I feel luckier today than I have in a long time.

2014 almost killed us. 2015 has blessed us so far.what could have happened in our family this week..did not.

Thank-you

Getting our Act Together

I don’t have the perfect marriage (although I have a really good one)

Far from perfect. 20 yrs together and 18 married and we have had our share of issues and problems and successes and great moments.

Our marriage is stable and secure and good.

Today as we looked at our finances together it occurred to me what we are really good at as a couple: (the top three things)

1-Parenting. Totally aligned and in agreement on I would say 98 % of subjects

2-Figuring out solutions to big problems. Great communication together. If there is a problem-we solve it. Takes us forever to make decisions-but we make good ones and never look back once they are made

3-We get our act together. As parents as a couple as workers as humans. We fix what is broken and give it our laser focus and attention and won’t back down until it is fixed.

Another time I will write a list of top 3 things we are bad at but not today. Today I was impressed by us.

We need to get our serious act together over our finances. And so we are. Have set every free hour of the next week to do so (keep in mind not too many hours left  with our careers, kids medical apts, mom off sick tomorrow so all domestic stuff of week, chiros and dr apts in evening, planning for vacation in a week, extracurricular activities and 6 hrs. of sleep a night, taking care of the two homes and transition from summer to winter etc..etc..etc)

But as we sat at dining room table last night and this morning..I looked over at my partner and was so grateful that that he is mine and in this life together with me.

Cause your the sky..full of starts
I am going to give you my heart
Cause your the sky that can light up the park

I don’t care. If you tear me apart. Oh no…

Cause in a sky full of stars...

I think I saw you.

This financial  stuff is not easy for us. We have literally been avoiding it for 18 yrs. We save some money (sometimes) have a financial planner we meet with twice a year, save for educations-but really we have known idea where our money is going. If we seem to be able to pay of the credit cards and bills at the of the months we figure we are ok and keep on spending in the usual direction-having no clue what or how much we spend on. Our financial advisors get mad at us often-and we just kinda ignore them and hope they all go away.

It’s a great formula usually.

Until you can’t pay the bills and expenses anymore.

And you have to max out your line of credit.

That is where we are at I guess…seems crazy

Sort of like when your dentist tells you to floss your teeth. And you ignore him until you are getting gum surgery and regret it.

But in 2014 along with the whole bunch of problems we  got to experience-we also had massive amounts of unplanned expenses-and I mean massive that all go along with these circumstances. 2014 has been one big hot mess.

And a whole lot of living to do this year too! We had two trips planned with family (usually take one every two years with the family) and three kids in high school so a big expense etc….this was a year we knew would be more expensive than others. It was our special year as last year of high school for Chase-so we are trying to pack in everything we have ever wanted to do as a family before one goes off to Cegep and has different schedule and priorities etc.We have always been a family of five and justts won’t be the same without him with us all the timeL(

So what did we do? Just forge along blindly….just planned it all and went ahead with the special year of course! Well now we have to sort it all all. And understand the last year, and our spending, and eighteen yrs. of being ignorant. It is scary. We are really anxious. And exhausted. And petrified. But we are in this together. And when we do something? We do it really well. We are a super team.

So in doing our anxiety provoking expenses exercise this week which is far from complete I have noticed:

-That we spend A LOT of money on food.

-That relationahipsare top of list in every choice we make

-That medical expenses are super high and this is a top priority for us. If we are broken we fix it –we don’t back away from hard things (aka $200 for 50 mins of therapy weekly, uncomfortable yearly colonoscopies done)

-We have a great life and I can’t believe we have managed to pull this off all these years

-We really know our priorities. Cars could not bat an eyelash for but spending time with those we love in a leisurely envioronment  a super high priority

-We work really really hard

-We are financially irresponsible in ways not to know where money is going

But…. Another part of me looked at this and was grateful. Grateful that I have not had to do this horrible exercise in this way until now. Grateful that we have always been able to travel and have leisure, and go out to restaurants and have a cottage. Grateful because if I had done these 18 yrs. ago…there is so much of this stuff we would not have done. Ignorance is bliss is some ways….The ignorance formula used to work before-but not working so well anymore I must admit. Time to adapt and get smart again.

Anyways despite an extremely busy and stressful and financially packed week where we are slowly discovering we spend much more than we earn-to our dismay…:

I felt very much in love

And after 18 yrs. of marriage?

That is a gift.

(not sure if Hubby would say the same! He seemed to have a lot of headaches this week!)

So I am looking forward to get back to the calculator late again tonight and early again tomorrow morning and sort it all out. Fix it. Together. Have a plan. Get it right.

Sorting out the sometimes hot mess of my life-one step at a time.

Grateful for my courage to know what is broken..and to put it back together.always

Our Penguin

 

Over the last few weeks penguins have been popping up all over the place. I normally never give any thought or consideration to this species.

That has changed now

Chase decided for the first time ever not wear a cardboard box over his head for Halloween and will be one of 15 penguins in the graduation class of 2015. My Uncle and Aunt gave me a bday card with a penguin on it. I read an article about penguins in a magazine and a sculpture caught my eye of a peingun at a third world fair.

And I realized why this animal is symbolic to me now.

There is a scene in the movie “March of the Penguins” that is a tender aha moment for me. Touches me to the core.

There is a part where the mother has to transfer the egg to the father. It is a crazy process-slippery and dangerous and so many of the eggs just don’t make the transfer. But once that father has the egg, he really has it. He huddles over it through a month of freezing winds and storms and everything else Mother Nature can throw his way.

And I know in remembering that scene? That Empire penguin is human husband. That is exactly what he did, what he does and what he will always do for us. This is the hallmark of what has kept me loving him for all of these years.

 

 

Yesterday was an anniversary for us. Nine months of something special. It takes nine months to grow a baby and give birth-nine months is a long time. And yesterday it came and went –but it made me inspired to write this blog post.

My Guy, Our Protector He ..is our our Penguin

Thank you. Words could never ever be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four things I want to remember about Four people I love

As school starts again this week,  each one did something that warmed my heart or that I will remember. Small things but important to me nevertheless.

Beauty-coming in last night to my room so gently and asking me to rub her shoulders and put Volartin on her. So sweet and loving and beautiful. The beginning of many shoulder rubs for this dancing group A girl. Her big hugs to me after. Her waking up so early each morning (not a morning person!) no complaints to make time to straighten hair and groom for school. The girl impresses me with her dancer’s discipline. Also the way she is so organized and passionate and happy about high school. She is afraid of NOTHING.  I love the ways she texts me afterschool right on time with” ILY”

Bear: OMG! Decided to ride to school on bike today with bunch of friends. And back. Ok..school is damn FAR AWAY! Left house at 6:30am!!! Also has 3 hrs. of defi sport biking in curriculum today..Biking home and then has 2.5 hrs. Of competitive kayak. The kid is a MACHINE!!!! And then he will do lots of homework and put on two loads of laundry and be pleasant through dinner. And he has an amazing academic record and the teachers all happy he is in their class and tell him (lots of pressure on his siblings as it is always “Oh are you Bear’s sister or brother!!!!!”) His energy, passion and motivation just impress me to no end.

Chase; He was so darn sweet and cute this weekend. Kept smelling my hair as I used the same shampoo apparently as the girl he likes. He is 4 inches taller than me now so kinda hugs me and leans my head on his shoulderJ He is just so loving and kind and affectionate and I am so glad he has never lost this part of him through growing up. Tonight he is going to "the girl’s" house for dinner to meet the parents (his suggestion!) and once a week at school they have to wear the whole kit “uniform officielle” with shirt and tie and vest. I must be the only mother on earth who doesn’t like my kid in this outfit…a bit geeky even I findJ so I tell him-“make sure to bring shorts and a t-shirt to change into” –he agrees the whole shirt and tie thing-just not the first impressions he wants to make (I know a bit weird I just have never liked young  boys in suits and ties!!!-men are cute at work though in them once ina whileJ))

i alos told him to bring a toothbrush. What kinda mother am I???

My Protector: this week especially I have seen passion that has come through in two areas for him-and it makes me happy. Reading-like me now…he can’t seem to get enough of it. We read almost nightly together  and both always have a book going.  He used to be only an avid vacation reader but now like me a daily reader. Love this. And classical choir singing. He chose 4 very important choirs to audition for in next 7 days and one of them very famous. Good for him! Problem is this morning his jaw locked (second time in last year L(((He is auditioning tomorrow night for the most important one to him L(Very sad as he can barely eat-so singing can pose a serious challenge. I am confident it will all work out—it has too!!!! It is so rare he wants something like this. The universe needs to take care of My Guy..serioulsy universe give him a break ok???

Can We All have Normal Back Pretty Please?

Savvy and I had a good conversation on the phone a bit back about how sometimes in life we have to get used to “a new normal” I totally get it. I understand it. It makes sense to me. But I still hate it. I liked my old normal better. Who moved my cheese??

Well since then it literally feels like everyone close around me is also struggling to get used to their own versions of new normal too. So much has happened to me and around me in the early part of 2014. And the snow that we still have in April here….who even notices or cares? Least of everyone’s concerns around here.

Right now most people very close to be are going through some major crisis or life changes. One BFF is sitting in a hospital right now while they are doing a surgery on her husband for the second time in two weeks..another BFF is on her way to very likely say goodbye to her Nanny (who is like her mother) and have to make the tough decisions to possibility opt for palliative care…and other BFF is waiting for specialized blood tests to come back from the children’s hospital for her son who has not been feeling himself. Another text last night from my Uncle and Aunt that a beloved family member in their family is on his last days and they were making the trip down to say their goodbyes.  And the list goes on and on and on and on.

And everyone else close to me is also  struggling with big things too around me in general …concussions…illness….divorces….infertility …bullying….deciding to have a baby or not…hearing loss..getting used to a new brace, post traumatic concussion symptoms..Allergies to wheat....being sober….high blood pressure.

What is happening? I ask this to my husband all the time.

 

He says it is the way of the world and that the only reason that I am noticing it now is because I am in my forties. He is 12 yrs. older than me so for him this is all old hat.

He says in the 40’s parents of friends start getting sick..Our parents start facing health issues …people themselves in 40 and 50 start experiencing health problems.  And this is true for sure. We lost hubby;s Dad ..my Dad and my beloved Grampy all within I think 3 yrs.  Also most common age of divorce, illness, crisis. I guess also said also as kids get older their “natural” evolutions (health problems, curves of spine, high cholesterols etc…) start showing up as part of their genetic makeup as they make their way into their long term bodies and adulthood. Yuck.

Wow-people really know what they are talking about eh when they say to enjoy the carefree 20’s and 30’s!!!! And advise us  take every moment possible with young kids and babies! No wonder there are so many Moms opting to stay home full time.

Anyways today my thoughts are not for myself and my own crisisis. They are for the people I love around me struggling with their own crisis, my heart and prayers go out for health happiness and love. For all of you-from all of us. This weekend many of the closet people in my life are living their own versions of hell. I won’t write details as it is their stories to share not mine but know that I love you and care for you and have nothing but you in mind.

And even if the “new normal” is where we all have to go-somehow I want to find our way back to what used to be so simple.

But I know that we can’t. So here’s me doing the next best thing offering up my hand to hold yours so that together we walk in our new normal line

Love,

 

Lauren Kate

Just love

In the last few weeks my family and I have received a lot of love. We have had a few things going on too personal to describe on this blog….but truly the love has been pouring in.

For me..for my husband and for my children. It is truly beautiful to know we are loved in this way. All all of us and not just one of us. A family affair really.

It’s amazing how text can make all the difference in a day-or a chat-or a coffee or a lunch or an activity even planned for ahead that can be looked forward too. I have some reservation around technology in the past-but it has been my savior lately. Just someone in the day texting to see how I am and to let me know thinking of us makes the world of a difference.

Sister Savvy has been my “How is your day today?” and late night chats or texts chats girl often before I sleep. I love our banter over text-it is so strong and emotional and funny and hilarious. I make myself laugh just reading these texts and the rawness of them. Sometimes we have two or three topics of conversation going on at once-one can be almost critical and life threatening and another one about milk and cookies. Love it. Love that girl. And her love for me and our family is so consistent and strong. I love that she has me us in her prayers and love that she tricked me into prayingL (and PS I love it!)

 

And Soul keeper has been my get together girl and cry or laugh or chat and give advice to megirl. Activities planned for me, for the kids, for Hubby. Encompassing the needs of each individual and the whole family. There and unconditionally loving me and showing me how to grow and change and be..And fall and fail and show me that that is ok. Letting me vent about things whatever they are and assuring me that anything and everything is ok to say without judgment. Providing me the tough love and what I need to hear vs what I may want to hear. Being there for many texts and late night chats too-checking up on me.

And my Mom. My Mommy. Just being there for us and loving us and spending time with us. Going into Jacuzzis with a colds face, massages for each kids during the whole movie, getting our cars towed (lots of towing!) watching out for kids, watching out for me..Cottage crazy but amazing weekend..Being supportive and realistic. My Mama Bear.

 

And Childhood Wonder with sweet texts and being there for me and our long lunch planned this week over Indian. Lots of offers for chats that I can’t take her up on as different waking and sleeping schedules but sweet offers for sure. Same with the Chiffons how have been there and supported and made such a difference for us and lots of offers to chat just opposite schedule but appreciate all the nice texts. These wonderful friends and family make all the difference. And Caro 6 and bother and sister in law…..knowing they are thinking of us….and means so much.

 

And then two friends who are my “item girls” and making sure it all just works out. Helmets at home, dirty magazines (tee hee) words of reassurance, lunches, signs of hope for Trent, and most of all a cheesecake that will be made with love. That cheesecake is really symbolic for me.

 

And all of these people the best gift they have given me is..freedom to express myself-and be negative and be positive. That they trust be enough to give me tough love too-and not just treat me with white gloves. That they trust me enough and care about me enough to want the absolute  best outcome for me and my family. Their love and trust is making all the difference at a hard time.

And the best outcome is what I am striving for. It is my laser focus right now

 

And my ability to confide and explore and be honest is shocking me. It is true “V”! and I am patient and serene (focus 2014) so far anyways. And their love is making me feel…well like ..that we have a village…a village we have worked so hard to create through love and devotion and getting it wrong and getting it right…and feedback and care and giving and receiving. Our village is there. There for us and we are there for them. We built it with them all.

 

A village is good. I recommend it to everyone. Like oxygen. I  love that my kids seeing and experiencing this village. I love them seeing Love in Action

 

PS-a comment on Chase totally unrelated. It’s like this year age 16 everything we have ever taught him is seeping in. I see who he is as a man and not a little boy.

He writes me texts like:

“Be strong Mom!

“I am so proud of you Mom!”

He said last night and again today that he does not appreciate his new tutor as she “does easy stuff and easy stuff although easy is not the right way. Hard stuff and pushing someone like me who wants the easy way is what is required and what is better” OMG!!!

 

And then he says things about the way that people listen to problems. And he says “they have to ADAPT to the person talking..You can’t just listen it is useless….ADAPT to the reaction and give direction and provide some good thoughts

I love love love this child. And I love the man he is quickly becoming. If I didn’t know any better he would probably be my best friendJ

(Nope. Don’t worry. I have enough great friends and I know that kids are not best friends they are your kids)

 

 

In the Blink of an Eye

In the Blink of an Eye

It’s amazing how a world can be turned upside down (and then back upside right) within moments hours and days isn’t it?

Like getting a soccer ball at school straight in the eye and having a blood vessels broken,  blood in eye and trauma to the eye. Not being able to see properly, losing conscious for a moment, eye pain each time you move and having to wear sunglasses both day and night. It’s scary how quickly and how blurry our safe world can become.

Funny how my post yesterday was "Safe and Sound" yet danger was right beside us waiting.

This was Chases’s day yesterday. Thank goodness for my husband as I was sick and in bed and still am totally unable right now to take proper care of our son. Two ophthalmologists later and then a visit today to the resident to of the children’s hospital……and we are told what we need to hear. “He is on the mend”

 

Can we breathe now? Might be the first real breathe I have taken in 36 hrs

It’s amazing when it comes to health stuff how nothing nothing nothing else matters. So many other crappy things also happened today…I felt crappy; things happened or did not happen. But the only focus is the health of my son. That is it. I would trade a million trillion crappy feeling days for his well-being and health in a single moment.

He still has to go back to the hospital tomorrow and then next day and maybe the next to be monitored daily for now but the scary part seems to be under control.

I am so relieved you are ok Chasie boy. My darling. My baby. Thank goodness. Bed rest for 5 days may be a bit boring and no sports for two weeks (including missing your first weekend of skiing next weekend, but we can deal with that…with pleasure. Compared to the nasty alternatives running through my head all day today and all yesterday…this outcome is fine with me!

 

 

Safe and Sound

As Americans celebrate Thanksgiving this week I thought I should show support as a  close Canadian and take a look at what I am most grateful for this year. Gratitude is never wasted. Whenever I am feeling stressed or worried or down and under- gratitude brings me back up again.

I am most grateful for me and my family being safe and sound and healthy. There is nothing I would ever be more grateful for.

I am grateful for tenderness. It is something I have always had inside of me but haven’t always been able to access and show as often as I do now. I am grateful that any walls I had built up over the years have come down to a large degree. It feels so good.

I am grateful for each of my children in a million trillion ways that I could never do justice to with words

I am grateful for my husband of almost 18 yrs. and that we continue to grow and thrive and love so well together.

I am so extremely grateful for my Mom. I have been so so blessed.

I am grateful for my extended family and my close friends. Recently a  Mom from  my daughter’s schoolgirl told me that she has no close relationships outside of her immediate family “because she has no time at all for that” (the girl has a set of twins but still!!). I left that conversation feeling so so sad for her. She said she barely speaks to her Mother and Father except for once a month…she has let go of all her girlfriends and couple friends and does not attend any family get togethers anymore. I left that conversation feeling so sad for her and grateful for my own relationships.

I am grateful for so many other things in my life, but I realize as I write this that health and relationships far surpass anything else I have and love in my life. There are a million trillion other things to be grateful for but the most is always involving the people I love and who love me back.

Safe and Sound at Home.

Safe

Healthy

All is good.

 

 

Home Sweet Home

I am missing the beach but coming home has been fun too. I realize that it is the balance between work hard play hard that sustains me and keeps me happy and motivated. Maintaining and keeping that balance however is often much harder than it appears and takes a whole lot of planning and strategizing and going to bat for what I want for my family and me.

But coming back to my kids has been so nice. I realize how just normal everyday stuff is so precious and important and puts big smiles on my face:

Like Beauty parent teacher meeting. Seeing Beauty in her element sitting there glowing with the praise of her teacher. He teacher this year is THE coolest person ever. Talks about boys and kissing and watches all the PG movies and not just the G ones and discusses them all with her students. She is sent from the heavens this young woman and we love her. Seeing the relationship between her and our daughter was amazing. The synergy, the love, the pride, the honesty.

Made me realize the importance of the influence of other roles models in our kids’ lives and how what we see of them is only part of them. There is so much more to their lives beyond our family and as they get older this piece increases and grows.

Seeing Bear.He was in a bit of a crappy mood before we left for a few weeks and difficult and a bit distant. We come home and he says “I am done now. Finished with that part. I think I will have puberty soon-look at my zits!!! (All excited). He is just such a beautiful, beautiful, kind hearted (stubborn, difficult, demanding) person. There are parts of me that look far into the future and see this son as a man and our lives together…I can see it all so clearly.

Chase who sent me an important text saying we needed to speak and that he was unhappy with me. Moi??? Took him 12 hrs to admit that his friend told him about his surprise bday party for 16^th skiing an told me that he was not happy I had planned this.AT ALL. Of course I am thoroughly disappointed..,but I was proud that he stood up for his needs and asserted himself and gave feedback in a direct and proper manner. And he told me basically the rules of adolescence and parents with friends. Never ever text his friends and it is so not cooI . I learnt a lot last night!!!!

And this morning at cottage taking a weekend to reconnect as a family. A big family cuddle in bed…going out to have Chase drive on small streets…..planning X-mas lists….family fire talks with various shifts mom and dad have come up with in the family on vacation as always that they will roll their eyes too…We are the Miller’s movie tonight…Mexican for dinner in the kitchen…..making snow rails in the snow……a game of Clue..lots of homework….a bunch of work and emails for catch up for me by the fire….

Life is good, whether on vacation or off vacation. With it’s many challenges and obstacles…and wonderful moments. I love it all and will take it all.

I have a big new role at work now too that I just begun. And I realize that everything surrounding it is exactly what I need right now. I am ready to take on a whole different ball game….but not ready to leave the family to far behind me either. Both my work and my family will remain a massive focus for the next 4 yrs. Status quo with a whole lot of new enhancements.

I am exactly where I need to be. Took me a whole to realize but I am here. And here is the best place I could be. Sometimes my wanting can get ahead of my needing if I don’t stop myself. But the want and need are unified and will stay that way for the next few years.

A series of good decisions and outcomes.

 

I realized on my trip that this blog has really made a difference in my life. I may use it differently than others (not comments much except for emails, don’t comment much on other’s blogs except friends, don’t connect blog to social media etc..) but it has served a big purpose in my life the way I use it and it is being honest about my life and where I am and where I want to be. It has been a self-discovery tool with a lot of traffic for me …fun to see others following my journey….without the big commitment of responding back and forth that always turned me off of blogs in the past (except for with close people who I love commenting and discussing blogs with but no time for strangers at this stage of my life).

Thank you Savvy for the introduction (and I was a tough one as I was so resistant and negative at first) to this new world for me

Unlocked

I was told many years ago that there was a chest-hidden beneath many layers and tucked far far away inside of me. At the time I did not really believe it.

A corner of my mind not willing or ready

Tucked away

I needed a key I did not know I had or was supposed to be searching for.

I had always assumed the hidden chest would be scary. I had never imagined it would be good and welcoming.

Two weeks of stress-months of stressful events actually that led to the unlocking. On the plane….half asleep..half awake…on the way to Switzerland…the sun rising magnificent out my airplane window

I was swimming in a beautiful ocean

Way way way down

I was a mermaid

On a mission to unlock the chest

Swimming down and down and down

Allowing myself to feel..to know..to understand

Let it in

Reaching it-turning the key

Opening it

Not scary at all

All sorts of hearts came floating out from it

Hearts into me

Messages said

Messages heard

Messages spoken

Messages understood

Messages accepted

Felt

Released

Hearts to me and floating back upwards

Light and dreamy

Feeling free

Pressure lower

Breathing more easily

An audible sigh to remind me of relaxation

Energy goes where attentions goes

Forgiveness

Release

Understanding

Floating back up to the surface not even out of breath

With hearts in hand. Millions of them

Floating up and taking in the air of the real world

Knowing with certainly it was all ok      

I can learn it. I can give it. I must.

Keeping my treasure chest for me. Mine only. My secret. My mermaid. My key. No need to share what was found. Don't ask as I will not tell.

The simplicity and aloneness of the search

What has been locked inside of me is now unlocked

My gift. To me.