Chase Turns 17!!!!

Aww Chase…how do I even articulate what happened to you this year??You grew up my boy!!! You did it. You are unrecognizable from the inside since a year ago..On the outside still some similarities and a lot of differences too.

And it has been and is such an honour to watch this all happen.

Our baby. Our eldest. The kid we make all our mistakes on and experience all our first teenage triumphs on.

For the first time very Chase spends his birthday away from us in the evening. First time ever he will not come to the New Year’s party we go to every year with our gang of BFF’s. He opted out. And you know what he will do for New Year and his bday? He will go out to dinner with his girlfriend and then was invited to hang at her house for New Year’s even with her family and then spend the night there!!! OMG! Her mom and I said yes as long as she and I got to text about it and she assured me where he would sleep is a “safe distance” from her daughter’s roomJ Love this lady alreadyJ

Chase woke up at the cottage to birthday basket and a little hunt for his treats with loonies (which we capped off at 16 as the denatal association will put is in jail if we give more than 16 treats. We still gave 17 in loonies though. We had breakfast out at Pizza Pizza as a family and Chase did his yearly bday tradition with his dad of riding the 4 by 4 to the village and for the second year in a row he of course was the driver with his dad on the back.

A stop at the fave clothing  on the agenda where the kids can cash in on their coupon for a piece of clothing from Xmas present and off to our (separate) new year’s plans. A little sadly. And a little secretly proud of our son. Part of growing up is doing your own thing and he sure is doing it. Mixed emotions and bittersweet.

This year for Chase?? Won most improved grades point average in Sec 5 out of 10 classes of 38 students, becoming a science /math guy in lots of ways which is still bloody unbelievable for someone who was almost failing math 4 yrs. ago and is now in the advanced advanced stream and holding his own, he has his first job (whole other post about this) not making too much money but already has a big gang of other ski monitors at the hill and I bet he will have the time of his life this winter (making no money!!!)..first real girlfriend for about 5 months now, a super nice gang of guy friends at school that he spends time with regular and still one of the sweetest most loving affectionate teens we know (with an occasional/often bad temper and bad attitude (sound a lot like his mommy!!) He has definitely introduced us to all the teenage stuff this year and initiated us-but in a very controlled way in fact. He is a good good teen in general and if our other two can be this good ;then teens are a piece of cake (with some occasional/often days that make you want to kill yourself as a parent)

Les Boys. So close to his Dad and brother:))I never imagined my sons would have as close a relationship as they do

I often have to force him to do stuff (and then he has fun).Tthis time was forced snowshoeing through the beautiful forest

I will never stop worrying about this boy and never ever stop adoring him. He is truly a wonderful person and a pride and joy and I am so very happy to share with him the close relationship that we do. We are so very proud of who he is and what he is becoming.

Halloween Penguins (there were 25 of them!!!) . This is his BFF (my adopted son) Matthieu who he met in kindergarten

It is a true pleasure to raise Chase.

One year from 18 yrs old-a fully legal adult!!!!!!!!

The No Pay-No Experience Job

As you all know Chase was over the moon to be hired as a ski instructor. He wore that ski suit with pride the first day on the job and was so pumped to be important enough to provide a social security number, bank account number and has to set an alarm on the holidays to go to work.

On the holidays he has to work 4 full days in order to get a bonus. The actual job is every Saturday and Sunday all day Jan 9-March 9- but in order to qualify for the bonus (which they never told him what it is) he also has to work 4 full days over the holiday period.

So of course he did as he wants the bonus and his parents are hard core work ethic people. All sounds good so far right?

Well the first day he went he sat for 8 hrs alone and skied in between by himself as he didn’t know anybody else and he wasn’t chosen to give lessons. Well I guess that would be ok right if you were still paid something? But here’s the catch-you are not paid unless you get lessons. And here’s the other catch there are at least 35 monitors most with way more seniority than you. This amazing system carries on into Jan-March as it is the more experienced coaches who get the regular group lessons and all the rest who take a lesson here and there is there is a walk in.

What kind of job is this???? No wonder they won’t give the kids or parents any info  when we have inquiries. Nobody would take this job!

But..but..but they get the ski pass free for the season!!!!! 375 dollars! What a great perk! But hey we pay that anyways for Chase  (as I am sure most parents do) so now what we will do is give him that amount. But..But it gets better-he has to rent the ski suit to be a monitor for 75 dollars so we have to deduct that from the 375. So this is the job for the entire winter that every single day we have to get up early for and take two cars on weekends for and miss a couple of really fun events for?? My heart was pumping fast and furious the first day when he got back from “work” . Chases’ mood was very very bad too-he was really really pissed.

The control freak I am I wanted soooooo much to pick up that phone and call his employers…but I held off. His job. He has to deal with it. Chalked it up to a good learning experience for him. It’s amazing how much teens are taken advantage of in the workplace-had never realized this before. It’s truly pathetic.

Well the second day..same thing…no lessons for him and there 8 hrs!!! OMG!!! But..this time a few girls who are also monitors asked him to ski with them and eat lunch with them. Through these girls he met a couple of guys…”not friends with them” but they are “ok” so he came home that day still no pay or work experience but he skied whole day with a little gang that “he kind of liked” he was much happier. We went from furious to neutral.

The third day he went he got an hour and a half lesson with a 6 yr. old from Norway named George. He was thrilled to make that 18 dollars and over the moon with pride!!! And he made a new gang of older ski instructors 17-18 yrs. who told him he is a “cool” guy and they want to hang out with him even if he is a newbie. Wow. He came home totally excited and pumped and had a super day. He is excited too that his 18 dollars will be automatically deposited into his bank account (costs us much more than that in gas there and back!!) and we found out what the bonus is for those 4 days too! Instead of 11 dollars/hr the kids who did the 4 days get 12 dollars-for the likely few hrs he will work all winter in lessons. So amazing we are looking at maybe 5-10 extra dollars for the season!!! Wow!! (sarcastic)

He is also very excited that this whole ski monitor thing is a bit fraternity too. The other have initiations for the newbies etc and this is all new and exciting for him. Was so cute he even asked us”what is I have to get drunk???” funny that at almost 17 he even mentions it to us-very responsible guy and always wants our permission for things still.

Thanks goodness that I am programmed and wired to always keep the end goal in mind when I or family embarks on something. It saves me every time. And in this situation it became crystal clear. There were many reasons we wanted Chase to be a ski instructor this year and very few of them had anything with him making money-so in the end as crazy as it may seem this job is meeting the goals we were hoping for him at this stage in his life.

Let’s make a checklist:

-Extra money  for him to start paying more of his expenses (not so much clearly!)

-Work experience (here and there I guess in terms of teaching kids but has to show up every day, have a boss, be part of team, go to tons of trainings, communicate, get money deposited etc.)

-Responsibility (tons of it as has to not be crazy skiing  on mountain to set example as wearing uniform, check in every hr with boss at hill, on a very set schedule etc.)

-Wanting him to be part of a team (for sure!)

-Wanting him to establish a social life at cottage so that he will want to come here often, want to be here in future and be very connected to the mountain so that he will want to raise his kids skiing on this hill near us (check! Check! check!)

-Feel good about himself and confident (seems to feel pretty good and confident!)

-Learn how hard it is to make a dollar (that is for sure!)

-Won’t take work for granted to think it is easy (that is for sure –to make 18 dollars had to work 32 hrs!)

-Keeping him busy and out of trouble (this is for sure as each day and weekend now has something to do that he kind of seems to like. For us this is one of reasons our three kids go to school they do-it as a busy and stimulating machine and a big reason as to why none of kids there get into drugs and alcohol too heavily etc. as literally  no time!)

So not necessarily as much as a great job as  it is is great lesson for him. And more importantly for me..as with the wait and see approach that is good for me (vs pick up the phone and fix this for my son!) . I bet at the end of the season he will have achieved all the goals with a number of lessons on his belt, some good pay with the lessons that hopefully will increase in the better winter conditions and the 300 dollars he will get from the free pass)

We are learning as we go along and reminded of the important lesson of “Keep the end in mind” And most importantly growing up alongside out eldest teenage son and learning the ropes of exactly how to do this stage successfully.

Our 2014 Christmas

It felt different this year-everything about it was different. Different not being a good thing or bad thing-just different. Just like the rest of 2014-Chrsitams followed suit and had its own unique flavor.

The 24^th for la Reveillon I worked part of the day and then ended up doing errands out all afternoon with Bear as he grew 4 inches it seems in the last week so his boots don’t fit, skates don’t fit and cross country skis don’t fit-all things required for cottage vacation!!!! We were on a bigger foot shopping mission (and  secretly sneaked an Indian lunch in between at our fave buffet)

Thank goodness I have an excellent “wife” at home (we all laughed about this term this week but really I do!!!) He/she basted the turkey and made chestnut stuffing and mashed potatoes, cranberries, homemade coleslaw –and basically everything else. Chase had his girlfriend over and was cute to see him give her gifts (big cozy socks and a big cozy blanket that he wrapped her up in all afternoon on our new basement couch!. Beauty hung around and carefully wrapped all her gifts and made beautiful homemade cards for each-she is so sweet when it comes to stuff like that.

Then I got home and we all made the Christmas table together and got the house ready for our guests. Chase made us all mad with some really rude attitude and that was kinda crappy but then we made up and I think he learnt his lesson as his Dad rarely scream at him and he did. Nobody likes that as it is such a rare occurrence (when I scream nobody even notices as happens so often!)

Hubby’s niece and her two girls and nephew and his  boys and my mom came. It was a smaller Christmas than we usually host but very nice and intimate. Because we are only 12 people we got to sit down in the dining room all together at the table. We did the traditional turkey dinner this year whereas usually we do the French cuisine. My mom in last few days has gone from barely functioning much to functioning with still lots of headaches and  lots of rests which is a step in the right direction and we pray continues as has only been three days of this newer transition in her concussion.

We had a great and lovely night. Spontaneously at 10pm Hubby gathered up a big gang and they went to the mass at the Catholic Church in the village which he often does on X-mas with one of our kids each year. But this year he had a whole gang with him and that was fun. I always stay home to fill the stockings and clean up the whole place (which was also his parent’s tradition so he likes this as then I go back to being the wife). Chase and our nephew opted to stay home and bond over video games and my Mom stayed in and took a rest. I loved that is was so spontaneous and free each member of the family doing what was best and fun for them on that special evening. It was symbolic to me and special that we juts all went with our own flow.

Back at home around midnight guests left and we the six of us did pyjamas for the kids tradition (we decided not adults this year) and then started a new tradition of Hubby delivering a Christmas message to our family. This year he talked about traditions and the meaning of them and talked about his childhood and x-mas eve. It was 1:30am by the time everyone got to bed and then 2:30am by the time Hubby and I wrapped the final gifts and debriefed in bed about the evening. We love our pillow talks-it defines us as a couple.

And you know what? All the above was done over sparking pomegranate cider and non-alcoholic beer. Which was certainly a first for us and our guests? It was interesting to analyze the night from that lens. If I let my mind go there and we allow our selves to speak about it freely-there is a whole lot to say.

Christmas morning was at 9am and we all huddled in our bed with my mom and went down to the tree together. Kids stockings first and then adult stockings one by one and then gifts with a break in between for cinammen buns and fruit salad. And it was all very lovely and calm and happy. Three teens give a new flavor to Xmas for sure-very very different. They were all very very happy with the gifts they received which made me very pleased as I took a lot of care and attention this year and also significantly slenderized our Christmas spend and so was happy to see them all so happy. It was a really nice and calm day and the afternoon was spent playing with new video games-wearing new clothes and hanging out with my Mom. Turkey sandwiches for lunch over my new candles Chase gave me.. I  loved all the little stocking stuffers our kids gave me: lip balm and a new cup for shakes from Beauty-candles that light up electrically from Chase and “after eight” mints from Bear. Simple and perfect.

As Christmas evening crept closer my melancholy set in which it often does. And it is not because Christmas is coming to an end-I really don’t care about that part. It is perhaps bc Christmas night we rarely have anything to do while so many friends and colleagues I know celebrate days on end around the holidays. It always reminds me of how small our families are in most ways with having lost three grandfathers over 6 yrs. and the fact that  we only have one parent alive (my Mom!!) who is single and so all of the hosting is done by us. Christmas night always reminds me of what we don’t have-where the 24 and day of 35 remind me of all the blessings we do have.

On Christmas night we often feel alone and different. I miss my Grandpa and our Grandpapa Max. I miss that feeling of being invited over to a cozy dinner at someone else’s home to continue the festivities. I often feel sad and this Christmas was really really melancoly by 5pm for a number of reasons above and beyond this for all of us I think in different ways.

We gathered the kids and packed again and stopped at Thai express and Tim Horton’s for a pathetic lonely dinner. Then got at cottage and everyone fell asleep on the couches in front of TV’s or fires. It was a hard night I think for all after a beautiful Christmas celebration. It made me realize something has to change-I am not sure what it is yet but I know it is something.

And then we slept and slept and slept and slept and this was the good part. We all woke up happy and refreshed and feeling good again. Hubby and I woke up at 11:49 am!!!!!!! Chase and Beauty got up around 11:00are and Bear just woke up at 1:19pm!!!!! This never ever happens-it was shocking!!!! We declared today “Lazy day” everyone gets to be on their phones-computers-TV’s reading-whateverness. Love it. (Minus a cross country ski and walk to the bakery for fresh bread and a family Jacuzzi and a game of Clue). Parents are going to serve kids tonight and make fajitas and cupcakes and clean the kitchen too no kids helping.(that never happends either!) We are all very very content again today.

I woke up to my husband telling me how much he loves me and snuggling me with a back massage in bed holding me in his arms telling me he wanted to stay in bed all day with me. This felt good as we have been a bit distant as of late and has weighted heavily on my heart. I felt loved again (partially) today by my Guy. It made everything brighter for me.

Christmas 2014 was wonderful. And a bit sad too. And different. And unique. It felt comforting and familiar-as well as distancing and a bit alienating. In actuality it was exactly what our 2014 year held. And at the end of it all-we are our family of 5 curled here on “lazy day” which has been exactly what our year has held true of us too. Less friends-less family-less togetherness with the outside world (which has been very hard) but our togetherness inside our family for the five us us has never faltered. It never has

And now onto my fave part of the holidays upcoming-a New Year!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all from our family to yours!!!!

My wishes for every blog  reader  is:

1    HEALTH. Nothing in the world is more precious

2-     To take the happiness and joy, traditions , generosity and deliberate love you feel in your hearts during this holidays season-and ensure all of 2015 and beyond is filled to the brim with it!!!!!

3-Give yourself the "present" this year to be "present" in the moment as much as possible. Be with your family, your friends, your work, your imagination, your hobbies and your books fully and in the moment. Don't let the pull of technology steal those precious moments.

Love

Tarina Lauren Kate

PS-Stay tuned soon for my word for 2015.It became very clear to me over the last few days

 

Happy Holidays!!!!! We just all went to bed (well except the Santa parents!) and it is 1:30am. We had lots of guests over and most went to midnight mass.We laughed in our new Christams Pyjamas and our Didi did a silly dance and kinda mooned us! Daddy gave us a Christmas message too. It was a different kind of Christmas Eve..and at first we were not so into into-but it ended up quite perfect actually:)))

I Forgot

The Universe is not kidding when they say time heals are they? Truly it is the only healer. Thank goodness for time. If you had told me almost a year ago that I would forget the below few things even for an instant I would have laughed out loud:

1-Forget my daughter wears a body brace at night???

2-Forget to ask my Mom about her health on the phone one day and talk about other things?

3-Forget that we have or had three big social events coming up and that my husband won’t be drinking alcohol on these occasions or any occasions?

Well it happened. Al three times this week. Beauty fell asleep on front of fire last night and Hubby and I said “aww she is so cute-let her sleep there all night. This morning realized no brace!!!

Yesterday first conversation with my Mom on phone where I did not ask her how her head was doing and/or was not aware that I was consciously trying not to ask her how her head was doing. Just a nice old conversation like we used to have a year ago about friends and kids and life. Felt so goodJ

And the party last week for my husband‘s office that he got home at 1am did not obsess about how he was feeling not drinking or how he was feeling in general.. And New Year’s coming up and Christmas and I can actually picture it all without going into a full on panic . Hopefully he is also feeling similar? Hard to know and hard to talk about between us and will always be I imagine.

My hope is that Beauty, My Mom and My Hubby are also feeling time on their side as 2014 ends. And that maybe? Things are feeling a little easier for everyone to handle. My personal challenge will be to find ways to occupy all the leftover brain space in my mind now that all the things that kept my mind hostage in 2014….might actually be freed.

First (real) Job

Chase applied to two ski mountains to be a ski instructor and found out Friday night he was hired at both! Way to go Chase! Big accomplishment as not easy to get hired in this job as every teen and their brother wants these jobs as instructors. He has had tutoring jobs with the neighbor over the years but this is the first that is official. He chose the one our other two kids  ski at.

After years of investing in his lessons, skis, snowboards, certifications and memberships at Ski Mountains we are thrilled this is happening for him (and hopefully the other two will follow suit next year and the next).

It was a strategic decision thought up ago years ago on our part to encourage our teens (then young kids!) towards jobs at the hills . Many warned me not to get my hopes up and that likely we would do all this and he would choose another first job. But we were right-he wanted to be a ski instructor and so do Bear and Beauty so far anyways. It’s strategic bc it keeps the cottage as our weekend home base for a number more years and keeps those kids close to us.

It’s still super hard on the schedules as now we will need to bring two cars every weekend as often will need to be in two different places and hills at the same time with Beauty’s competitions and Chases schedules and Bear's pre-monitor training. Fridays they ski for the school so we often arrive at 12:30am!!! We will never ever get to sleep in all winter as they need to be at the mountains very early-and evenings will be full of homework and more rushed since he will be working both days on the weekend all winter.

But,..And the but is important and key-. It is way way better than him having a job in the city and us having to stay there or worse having to leave him home for the weekend. None of us are ready to say goodbye to our family cottage weekends. And this job? Makes sure of thatJ))

So today he was getting the uniform and meeting with his new boss and discussing his pay and schedule and given his availabilities for the cottage. He would call me and ask questions like “Am I here the 27th”? And although I had many questions myself on the details I held back and let him handle it a-z as it should be. He had one day he had invited his girlfriend to cottage and he had to make the choice to work that day or not. It’s his job and his decisions.

The pay is not that great-considering you have to be there 8:30-4pm and work a max of 5 hrs and likely only 1-2 for private lessons on some days unless they assign him a group right off the bat-we have to rent the ski suit and really for lots of time spent at the mountain-he I not  being paid for (like the job of lifeguards) .There are a lot of cons. But he also gets a free ski pass which is a pro and his confidence is high as it is considered one of the “coolest” jobs for a teen to have amongst his buddies –so he is proud and happy.

Last night it was fun watching hime try on his new monitor ski suit for the family and say how important he felt in a uniform. Pride and happiness and accomplishment and responsibility were written all over his face. It was really fun to see this side of him with a new job emerge. It isa whole new world for him of checking meail to see his schedule and going to bed earlier on the holidays in order to have energy the next day etc. We are having fun watching this new stage (and maybe not as much fun with all the driving  and early mornings during the supposed holidays!!!) All completely worth it though and so thrilled and relieved that his first job will be at the cottage as planned and hoped for!

His brother isn’t as thrilled. The two have been joined at the hip for years and freestyle ski  always together. They spend all the skiing time together, Chase will now have a job and a new gang of monitors to socialize with at lunch which will be important for his integration-but where does that leave Bear? He is sadL hard stage and hard to see our sweet middle son feel this separation as his older brother enters a new stage at 17 yrs old.

So today Beauty had two friends come over after competition and Chase wanted to drive the car full of all of us plus her two friends. And you know what? We said yes. A job. A learner’s permit (almost license) …the future is looking friendly for our little(big)guy. A first for him to drive a van full of kids but shows how good he is now and how confident we are in his driving abilities.

And then tonight we sat down and looked at the date for his girlfriend to come to cottage at the end of the holidays(he chose to negotiate schedule with job) –and true to his mom’s temperament he started to plan and look forward to this occasion “What will we eat? Can we play Pictionary and Spoons? Where will she sleep? Can she come and snuggle me on the couch at 9am when she gets up? Can we go in the Jacuzzi outside alone or does Beauty have to be with us? What are the rules? I loved that he thought of these things and asked me them. Sometimes they are hard questions to answer for parents -but more than anything I love that we are discussing these answers rather than fighting over them.

I loved his excitement over this first and every other first. I love that he is excited to bring the girl he cares for into our cottage life and excited about all the wonderful things this cottage life has to offer.

Today gave me a glimpse into the future with our older kids one day, driving, jobs, girlfriends and I felt proud that we are all looking forward to a lot of the same things. As our first son-these are all firsts for us and we are often sloppily navigating our way through these decisions-but today felt like whole new terrain we are all entering with his first real job and we felt our entire hearts spill over with pride.

Way to go Chase!!!

Flatlined?

In a blog the other day, the  writer of a blog used the word “flat” to describe how she was feeling in this holiday season. And it resonated with me too. All around me at work and with friends when I ask people how they are doing in December that say “exhausted” “beyond busy” “overwhelmed” ….or all of those things. I am all those things too. And I will add Flat.

Now don’t misunderstand-there at many inflated moments, moments of bursts of joy and energy and maybe even excitement. But between all of those I am truly truly truly tired and physically exhausted which in turn I guess makes me feel emotionally exhausted. I can literally fall asleep anywhere, anytime and everywhere. There is barely a night anymore where I can watch TV or read without falling fast asleep.

We arrived at the cottage planning to have a X-mas fest of movies. A marathon actually of Christmas movies. Not that anyone really wants to do this but it is more of a should thing if I am honest. Well that marathon will turn into one movie at 9pm if we are lucky. Now granted in between we packed up city house to leave for cottage for the holidays, had lunch on the way, did a few warned, made a grocery list for the next week and our Christmas meal, unpacked for the cottage and got fully settled in and went to do a huge grocery order and made homemade gingerbread cookies and homemade French onion soup. Oh ya and had a nap on the couch. But still…..

And ps this was a non-work day. In the last month all of these things usually happen with all of us attending school and work. Just like all the families around the globe December is one big hot mess. And some of us are flat.  It always takes me a few days to go from crazy hectic chaotic schedules to being on vacation. Christmas break is no exception. I generally feel flat for a few days and then get back to half inflated with some truly inflated moments here and there. I always feel a little sad a little stressed a lot alienated and distanced before I make it to the other side of happiness. It’s my pattern. It’s how it always been-hence why I try to take two weeks of vacation vs one so I can be a little more pumped up for most of the time. And we can always expect one big huge fight initiated always by me (and my husband acting like a donkey’s ass) as the holidays begin. It’s just our way. Let it all hang out in order to then be able to relax and have a good time together.

I find physical exhaustion hard. I am so so much better at the mental stuff. There is nothing in the world I detest more than packing and I do it twice a week minimum for the cottage. It brings out the monster in me. I am a disaster packer. I hare packing so much that a girl at work the other day told me her husband left her after 10 yrs. of marriage with their little kids and all I could muster up to think in my head was how sorry I felt for her that she would have to pack continuously for the kids as now they would be going between the two homes. I am pathetic.

There just always seems something physical to do and get done. If it is not work which I do all the time it is grocery shopping and cleaning and wrapping and buying and getting everyone organised or mending clothes or god knows what. Never ending needs. Always an activity or an event pulling me out of bed and onto my feet. And then when I have time to sleep and lounge although I treasure this time like nobody’s business-I also feel like I have no clue what to do with myself or that times often. Does anyone else feel like this? Am I crazy?

So sometimes I wish I was more the Martha Stewart Christmas lady (minus the jail part) and sometimes I am just happy being who I am. I just one day  hope I have given enough and done enough and been enough to my kids, my family and myself. And Christmas has a way of not only bringing out the flat lined side of me but that guilt-ridden insecure side of me too as a mother and as a wife.

For now I will sit back and enjoy the ride-with the Christmas Carols in the backgrounds playing , the gingerbread cookies baking that Beauty made, the Christmas movie we are fighting over about to begin and a warm fire in front of me burning. I took a shower to wake myself up and I smell like apricots and peaches. My tummy is full and content from today’s Harvey’s extravaganza. Alarm will be set for 7am in order to get to the hill on time.  The Christmas tree at the cottage won’t get put up and decorated  this year as planned and we will settle for the city one at home only.Hopefully someone will snuggle me tonight to reassure me that I am loved and cared for –even though my heart can be flat.

Birth of a New Tradition

I love traditions. Especially family and friends ones. And I am good at them too-the planning the organizing-all of it. I make sure they happen.

But it can take a lot of effort and sometimes I get tired. Although I adore traditions there is also a bit of a check in the box element for me too. This “should”  happen around Christmas time-I “should” be doing this at birthdays etc. Some of this comes from maybe my lack of a traditional upbringing and some of it comes from very often I find it so hard to upkeep traditions. 

Schedules of all getting busier and busier and a pain in the butt to try planning as often with everyone with the best intentions just doesn’t seem to work out a lot of the time anymore and frustrates me (and makes me grieve too the good old times )

But I still love traditions and it remains a top of my priority list when they do work out.These yearly events feeling filled to the brim with love and happiness. Makes it all worth it. I can't say I am a huge holiday tradition person but overall a huge tradition person in general throughout the year. The holiday stuff is ok but not on top of list-its all the other parts of year that matter most to me and what we do in between all the hoopla of Christmas.

But traditions that others plan and suggest to us to happen yearly are even better! And they rarely happen to me (PG being the massive exception and adore this one that Savvy pretty much takes over for the most part!!)

Hubby’s niece who 35 yrs old with two sweet girls asked us if every year she could come over the week before Xmas with her girls and have dinner and bake with my Hubby to hold up her Grandfather’s (my hubby’s late Dad )tradition of making mochas-and X-mas baking favorite. So we did this last night the tradition began! With Christmas music and kids of all ages sitting around the table and rolling coconut onto iced homemade cake between the teen's homework. Was so sweet to watch the bonding of Hubby and his sweet niece. And have all the kids there joining in on this tradition as it takes hours and hours to do this recipe as it is done in three stages. Patience is required.

And the best part????? Hubby has a baking partner!!! Really not my thing and never has been. I force myself to do it for his pleasure and company but now I have been joyfully replaced! So I went and wrapped all the gifts that were left to do! (i can be really really boring and flat sometimes and will admit it on this blog to keep it real)

I loved last night. Simple and special and happened on its own without me orchestrating t. Love it! And she insisted to do this every year…love that initiative even moreJ

I felt spiritual last night which is rare. I felt that Grandpa Max was up above looking at the  fun with a big happy smile from above at his united family in their traditions. I felt his pride in us all. For making what is important in life..count.

Cozy

Company Christmas gift exchanges are often very lame. Bunch of gift certificates or wine or soaps. I lucked out however this year and got the best gift ever: a cozy Ralph Lauren blanket that goes perfectly with our new couch in the basement. I am so happy that it was not the stealing gift game this year and I got to keep itJ

But was hilarious as all my colleagues kept  commenting on it as though they had never seen a blanket before:

“I should get a blanket like that to snuggle up at night”

“Has been on my list for years to get a blanket for my couch”

“I asked for a blanket for Xmas from my kids”

“Wow what a superb idea to unwind at the end of the day with a blanket”

Really???? People??? I have a collection of cozy blankets at my house and not a joke between cottage and home at least 15 of them if not more. All of us in family every single day use them and it would not be humanly possible for us to not use a blanket to watch TV. Equally not humanly possible to  not change into lounge wear or pajamas and change bras and take off all jewelry upon entering my door at home.

(if I could I would go to work in pajamas with a blanket wrapped around me)

Savvy and I were talking about this same subject last weekend at PG. We are cozy girls but I guess the whole world is not? Does this type of diversity actually exist? What is the opposite of cozy? Sit on coach with work clothes and high heels on and cross legs and watch TV in nylons?

How can a throw blanket be a novelty and not a necessity?

If I had two objects to bring on Survivor I would bring a blanket and lip balm.

If I got home from work and there was some new uncozy rule in the world and I had to stay in my business suit and watch TV without a blanket or pillow I think I honestly might have to kill myself (for real) . This might be a world I would not want to live in. lol

Anyway I was thrilled with my gift I got and I love it. I had been searching for a gray and white blanket for weeks and this landed in my cozy lap. I hate getting wine and gift certificates and I am so happy the universe recognized my true needs and gave me my 16^th blanket.

Cozy all the way and I now cannot wait to get home and change and snuggle.

In Tune

It’s funny that when there are lessons the world wants you to learn that there are multiple ways these lessons take form in at  any given time.I guess you can call them “signs of sorts” . For me it is often concepts or decisions I struggle with, or have regret over, or ponder over at various times of my life-that suddenly surround me in events discussions and circumstance repeatedly.

And then many conversations and happenings over a few months make it all clear to me and BOOM I can let go of the thoughts that made these areas unclear to me and everything becomes crystal clear.

Over the last few months I have had a couple of signs being sent:

1-Career. Part of me over the last while has been wondering if I have any regrets of not climbing the career ladder faster over the years. I am literally surrounded by woman where I work who have done this or are doing this.  Parts of it make me envious and regret my decisions (and parts of it make me so thankful I did not do the same)

I get a ton of adrenaline from career and when I let myself get to the edge of enjoying this adreline too much…..I get out of tune with my family and other important areas of my life to a degree that is not comfortable to me and not good for our lives as a unit.

I am back in tune this week. Not because I am not enjoying the same adreleine. Not because I am not working just as hard and not because I don’t want to achieve the same career path eventually-but the world has been calling out to me:

No! You are not done here yet.

And I have heard this message in many forms. Loud and Clear.

My daughter is not ready for me not to have time to watch her do a dance before bed. My family is not ready for me to be many weeks calling last minute and missing dinner. My laptop is not ready to be opened on the ski hill between slopes.My son is not ready to be dropped off at important doctor appts to wait alone. It is too soon for me to not notice or care if the kids are struggling at school, or facing social issues or missing our company. They are not ready for their parents to not have the energy or time to go through a day and not give them or their well-being a single thought. They….and I- am not ready for the next level even if I feel a fire in my belly career wise….they don’t yet for me. In 4 yrs. they won’t give a crap. In 4 yrs. I will be ready to fly.

I am not ready to not be in tune. Neither are they. Which brings me to my next message from the universe I received loud and clear over the last few weeks?

I am an “in tune” type of person.  I need proximity.

(And I could be wrong but I think our whole family is as a family). Togetherness is key for us. It calms us down and grounds us all relying on this foundation together. When I am too busy at work, or miss the family dinners or we skip the cottage for three weeks we all get out of tune with each other…and the only thing that brings us back is time together as a family.

And don’t get me wrong it doesn’t have to be everyday or every night at all. Even if we have 1-2 family dinners or times together a week that is totally fine. But without those 1-2 times a week on most weeks anyways we feel a distance. I could go days without this family togetherness but not weeks long term. There is a big difference for me. We all get fuel from this togetherness –I see it. In them. In us.

Savvy and I started talking about going away to University for our eldests. Both of us very similar in terms of family time so precious and paramount to us both. We started talking about our kids who are growing up so fast and our thoughts and preferences around going off to University away from home or staying at home. I had never even considered kids going away but our conversations sparked something in me. Began thinking about it considering it and seeing from a different angle. Would that be ok for me? Be ok for the kids? Be ok for the family? What is best for their futures? Our futures? The future of the family. And there are no simple answers…or truths. And ultimately it won’t be us that decide it will be them in many ways but certainly they will be influenced along the way by our values and preferences and the opportunities we offer or encourage for them. What messages are important for us to make sure they hear as they cross these milestones in thier lives family?

And then this week I worked really late and had an awful and stressful day and I came home and the family was having a late dinner at 8:45pm and they were sitting around the table with no lights on in candle light. Their feet were up on each other’s laps and they were all in their pyjamas. They all looked so relaxed (probably because I was not there!!!) and looked so happy. They were all sharing about their days and so happy and animated and close and affectionate. And when I came home they brought me in quickly into that circle and asked me all about my day and I told them all about it in real terms made for teenage ears and not child’s ears (it wasa bad day!).  I left that table yet again with the universe screaming to me loud and clear:

You are not done here. Neither are they.

You as a family still have many many years together at this table a couple of times a week. To grow and change together.Embrace this stage and live it with them as hard as that can sometimes be as they are teens and young adults. Keep them close.

There is a conversation I remember so clearly with a young mom of one of the first places I worked at. She had an opposite view to many people and me remembering it resonating with me a lot at the time even though I was not married and had no kids at the time. She said she was going to work full time while her daughter was young and as of  her daughter became 13 yrs. old plan financially to work part time from 13-23yrs when she assumed her daughter would leave home. She said everyone thought this was a crazy way to plan a life but she had me intrigued. I play that conversation out many times over in my head and remember it well.

I similar to her am probably  more of an “attachment” parenter later in my child’s lives. I sort of feel that beyond that first year of infancy many others could do just as good (or much better if I am honest!) job with my kids in daycare (puzzles, crafts, baking etc.) I actually think my kids benefitted in their lives from going to daycare and me working and has made them who they are today.

But in the teen years now and into early adult hood where I am assuming they will live at home and be in high school. CEGEP and university? I think we can do a much much better job than anyone else.  This is my best phase-this is the phase I rock in . The emotional side, the talking side, the life skills side, the building of a life side. This is where we attach the most. And it goes both ways-this is where they get the most from me and allow me in the most and  we have amazing relationships (except when they call me crazy idiot and scream in my face like last week)

For me, autonomy was huge to foster as children-it was one of the biggest values to ensure our kids had the smarts and the confidence to get to the stages  they are at now successfully. But I would have to say that has switched for us now. They have the confidence and autonomy and the school they go to also doubly ensures this. Our focus is not on autonomy anymore –it’s on other things.

My guess? All of our children will be educated close to home. Two will end up living within a few miles of us as adults and one will go off and travel the world and experience a ton of things for a number of years and likely end up back within a few miles of us one day. And you know what I could be totally wrong! And you know what? That is fine too..Whatever this delicious life has ahead for us-will be good.

So both of these messages and signs came to me more clearly as 2014 closes. I am a rationale person in many ways and function very well with this way…but a big part of me is also instinctual. And I am at my personal best when I access these instincts and use my brain in unison.

I have heard that it is not time yet to throw myself into the next direction of my career

I have heard that I need to listen to my instincts and keep them close to home at this milestone stage we are soon turning as a family (and if we all live within a 30 minute radius of each other as they get older and we pick up their kids on Tues/Thursdays afterschool, and give their kids ski lessons on the weekends and have pizza together on Fridays nights, and they help us lift heavy furniture then hallelujah!!!!) In my opinion this is a great arrangement and a win win for parents and their adult kids to live in this village and have this support network so close.If we get it –yahoo. If we don’t..we adapt and make something else just as beautiful too in our family.

My instincts tell me to stay “In tune”. Whatever that means for me and for us as a family is still to be determined but my mind and heart are working in sync and I am following their signs. Has been so many years that I don’t listen to my instincts enough..and now I am willing and ready to let my heart and brain work in an orchestrated symphony.

Let’s see what music we compose.

PG 2014

Pg 2014

What a great tradition and occasion. On our second year now and going strong. It's a forever thing and well worth it

Theme of 2014 is “infinite worth”. Sister savvy gritty led a collage activity for this and was super fun. We each made a board to hang of who we are and presented it. Tons of glitter and stickers and scrapbook stuff etc. . Really fun and good conversations for girls around what type of men they should look for one day. We talked about parallels of their Dads (both “coma” men) and what they liked that they could draw on or even do differently.

Friday night salty Copper Penny resto and traditional body wash buying. Addition this year is body wash or lip-gloss :)

Nice suite in hotel and carb filled breakfast. Some heated talks and discussions in the hot tub with Savvy and shows me we both feel comfortable to express our views and feel loved unconditionally. Going into new phases of our lives soon and getting to know each other on even newer levels. Was cool

Food court meal and me and Savvy chatting and girl’s shopping. Body and Bath and goodbyes at train

Champagne and lime mint face masks that give rashes . Chocolates and onesies and university speak.

Concussions and divorces. Recoveries mental and physical. Hearing difficulties and twisted spine conversations. Travel talks and planning the spa Pg. sweet 16 to look forward to one day (might need to be sweet 15 too exciting!!)

Love the traditions and the friendships. One that is already firmly planted over decades and one that is blossoming year to year and so beautiful to watch bloom

All

Committed to

Making Memories

Mondays Just Got a Whole lot Worse

Mondays Just Got Worse

If you want to bring out the complete worst of me-give me a night like I had last night and a morning like I had today.

Let’s start with this morning. I am now in charge of carpool for Monday mornings kayak practices (I am still trying to figure out why my kid has to want to do these practices three times a week or why we allow this and have not come to any conclusions around it). So in anticipation of having to go out in a cold car at 5:45am…I don’t sleep as of around 3:45am pee break as I know that I have to get up anyways. So I lay there and do a mixture of what this situation calls for in my mind: fume and half whimper.

Did I say this behavior was rational or productive? No I did not so leave me alone.

So we venture out to the car and go pick up the other athletes (I refer to refer to them  not as teens as anyone who would want to work out at 5:50am before school must be hoping to go the Olympics or something right?) and we get at the kayak club and there are no lights on but lots of other cars (lots of Olympic athletes I guess). Well we wait 25 mins. And then we turn around and come home because:

One of the kids gts a text that “the coach isn’t coming this morning”

Nice.

Go home and write this blog I guess

As if Mondays isn’t friggin hard enough eh? I mean I should adore Mondays as it is the day I have “off”. Ya right. I work for myself on Mondays and also often half a day for my “real job” plus I try and squeeze in at least 5 hrs of domestic stuff (so literally my days begins at 6:30 and and ends around 12am literally . Oh no I am incorrect NOW it begins at 5:30am-12am.

I am really really bitter and trying to get a hold of myself. I am having a very hard time not showing my son what I am thinking of all this. Bad bad Mother.

Well the bad mothering actually began late Sunday night. After a wonderful and yummy family dinner all hell broke loose around 9:30pm (another pathetic timing habit we seem to have in this household where we can’t get it together to eat at normal times that make any type of sense).

It’s the girlfriend fight again and I honestly can’t take it. Chase (and Bear) but mostly Chase as Bear knows this is a completely dead end road at his age with his girlfriend and Chase feels there is some hope…..makes it known not subtly at all that “we are completely crazy parents because we won’t let him have his girlfriend here at home when we are not here”. This has been going on for months and months now and the “discussion” never ends.

The funny part in all of this is is that I am getting stricter and stricter with the rules as Chase pushes more and more and is ruder and ruder about this. Likely this weekend when were downtown I just would have allowed him to have her over since the other kids were here-but because of the way his is acting? No Way in Hell.

It turned into the worst fight he and I have very had in our lifetime. At the table over brownies that I never got to eat. He 100 percent lost it and so did I. I don’t even have it in me to feel sorry. He imitated me and humiliated me and belittled me. He mad me feel as though I was a piece of dirt. All in order to get his way. It was completely betraying to me and I have never felt so badly and alienated from anyone. It was a horrible experience.

And my reaction was not one of disappointment or a mature one it was revenge and retaliation. PS: my parenting book is coming out in March on amazon! Line up for your copies People!

I stayed up and fumed about this all night. I am still fuming. And there is nothing parental about my reaction…I don’t want to sit him down and talk i over. I feel like packing up my suitcase and moving to Bora Bora (alone)(for real)

Anyways we have hit that teenage wall with our eldest son. Finally. He is usually such a pleasure and a sport with some attitude but now straight out disrespect and rudeness and possible rebellion. We have hit a wall and something has to change after last night.

Now what will it be? Him? Me? His Dad? Our parenting?

I remember the best parenting coach I have ever had in our lives –we took 3 courses on parenting with every Wednesday night for years  he had also hit a wall (see there are others out there who think they know what they are talking about who want to move to Bora Bora too). And when he hit that wall which was far far far worse than the one we are hitting he:

Transformed his way of parenting and the way he ran the family.

He created a democracy. Highly religious man-not the typical as in the Sunday church goer- but the daily worshipper wanted to be a priest religious man. And he gave up fighting with his kids about church and pretty much everything else and created a democracy with them. He had nine kids and I will always remember this story. Until that moment they were all forced to go to church on Sundays and pray daily. Most of them agreed to it until they hit about 16 and then the problems began. His expectation was that they attended church, youth camps and prayed nightly. They started having fights about it often and too frequently until one of them ran away and didn’t come back for three weeks. Became a drug dealer.See why his wall was bigger than mine?

Anyways he turned it all around within 6 months in his family and created a democracy. And that is what he taught to the rest of us –who clearly clearly did not hear a word. As of that day of transformation there was no more need for the kids to go to church or do their homework at certain times. He took away the notion that they could not go out past 11pm and not have girls in their rooms. As a common of sorts they established as a family what the rules of the home were for all of them-together they all decided and together they followed these sort of rules. Some of the rules he got his way and some he did not. It was up to the team to decide.

So what did his life with nine kids look like 6 months later? He has 6 out of 9 kids following the same patter of church going that they always did. Why? Because they believed in this and loved this experience. Three decided it was not for them and often discussed their more non believing views openly at the table with the others in a respectful way.

Boys had sex with girls before marriage and some of the girls decided to save their virginity for their marriage partner as their parents believed was right. Some experimented with drugs but none got hooked. And PS-that drug dealing chaotic horrible son became a priest like his Dad had always dreamed for him. Not because his Dad wanted him too but because he wanted it for himself. He realized it was his own dream too.

I remember hearing this story and FREAKING out. Even as I write it….part of me is in such awe and admiration and part of me wants to throw up in my mouth!!!!!!!

The ultimate act of letting go of control.

Wow.

So we are nowhere even close to having a teen homeless and on drugs out of pure rebellion. Or nowhere even close to forcing our kids do many daily things besides some of the more routine things. We are nowhere even close to wanting to start a commune either where everyone decides what is best for every one and we all live as equals. Nope

(this is the same man who planned a trip to Disney and had saved up for years for nine kids to travel for two weeks on one teachers salary and then because one 9 yr. old broke the rules of the common and had sibling fights in the car they turned around and cancelled the trip after planning it for three years and driving 14 hrs)

But I do..see the point (I hate hare hate to admit it)

So this Monday at 4am I started thinking about what this transformation might look like for this own family of ours? Sometimes crisis (such as we had last night) brings on creativity. (Interesting that this was one of the title of a book my dad wrote (Crisis and Creativity) Sending me a message are we Dad?

Anyways I saw from the discussion we had last night something will need to change. We are at the teenage door and we are either going to open it or close it. Build on the relationship or shut it down to some degree. Be authoritarian or be democratic.

We have been very lucky so far with our teens. More than lucky-very deliberate and strategic and decisive. And so far our kids are gems.But I see our lucky streak will soon run out if we don’t question our next moves.I am not certain anymore we will be able to maintain these gems with our current model of parenting.

I am very very curious to see what we will do next. And very very looking forward to writing a book about it one day. Because knowing us? It will be Big.

And after writing this post at 6 am on Monday-I am not sure anymore if kayak practice is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe this extra couple hours of reflection forced onto me will be the best thing I have ever done.

And maybe? It won’t.

I am anxious to see after the year I have had and next week being the end of intensive therapy of 2014…what my next move will be.

I might surprise myself. and hoping I can control myself from  buying a one way ticket to a far off place.