Ba Humbug!

For any of you who have commented that I seem to be quite an overall optimist much of the time on my blog...gets ready to see another side of me.

I really hate Halloween. Truly think it is one of the dumbest days of the year. Sorry Halloween Lovers! No offense!

On my way to Swiss I actually had to endure on the plane two women debate for three entire hours what their four year olds should be for Halloween. I mean for crying out loud-take a sheet from your closet-cut a few holes and get over yourselves!!!



Too bad I have to start off my deliberate traditions with one I can't stand. It hard to come up with something fun when my whole family knows how miserable I am when it comes to this holiday.

So today I try to start my deliberate tradition for Halloween which is going to be; eating Pillsbury cookies with pumpkins on them afterschool and not eating dinner at all that day.
I know. Sounds more like a punishment than a tradition...but that about sums up how excited I am about this holiday.

So I go to the grocery store to buy those cookies to make...and they are gone! So I go to another store to buy them and they are gone too! Does everybody think that eating a cookie and no dinner is such great family fun-do they all want to make Halloween such a wonderful treat as I do?
So now we are stuck with.....just eating no dinner.


Negative enough for you yet????
Somehow I think I may regret this blog....oh well. Never said I was good at coaching parents on choosing Halloween costumes did I?


Wow deliberate traditions are going sooooo well around here so far.


I think I started really despising Halloween when Chase was old enough to want to choose a costume. We would go to Wal-Mart and he would take hours to choose a costume and then cry and cry as it as not the perfect one. It would never fit properly as he has always been small for his age. I mean who wants to dress up as Elmo when you are in high school anyways???

The older he gets-he has decided handmade costumes are better for him.

 Thank God he has not asked me to sew anything for him as I think this would send me into a year long depression.

Rather he has started creating his own costumes.
Problem is...he ends up never liking what he makes-ever-and never ends of really wearing it anyways. So we spend hours gluing things to other things and then throw it all out in the end anyways-all the while having a miserable time fighting about it..

This year-another cardboard box is going on his head with a few holes in it for the eyes and some kind of weird gold gloves. I can almost guarantee you he will not wear this masterpiece to school-or even alone in his room in the mirror for that matter

As you can see I have done a great job of handing my awesome Halloween “spirit” done to my first son.

Bear is the one who likes Halloween quite a bit ...but he does not get to go this year because he can't walk. Isn’t that awful?  I suggested a few friends over at 9:30-11:00 pm so he would get some candy-looks like the whole class is coming. Yay!- a whole house full of Elmos, punks and kids with boxes on their heads. And I can't even offer them pumpkin cookies!

Beauty likes Halloween too to some degree. She is more into all the candy than actually dressing up. To tell you the truth I don't even know what she is being this year I have been so busy. I really should win Mother of the Year award don't you think?

She is furious this year because we did not decorate the door because Bear was in the hospital and so no time to carve a joyous pumpkin.

She does not seem to be the least bit disturbed that her three best friends are going as triplets trick or treating and have planned this for the last year together without inviting her to be included. She keeps looking at me and saying "It’s ok Mom-I am fine really-I don’t care!!!".
She may feel fine…I however feel like a truck ran over us both.

See why I hate Halloween? It's just deeply disappointing on so many levels.

Only year I liked it was when my hubby wore a mullet wig to our friend’s party and everyone laughed the whole evening.

Hubby hates Halloween as much as I do.
He likes the candy though and eats it all every single night for about a year  and still weighs about 35 lbs after a big dinner.
I want to kill the candy.

Yup Happy Halloween Everyone!!!!
Is this enough negativity for you all???
Trust me...there is more where this came from.-you may have set a monster free.

I think we are all very lucky that my next deliberate holiday is Beauty's Birthday. I am stealing my friend’s “Candy Poster” idea and am very excited.

Birthdays are awesome

At least on birthdays when you do your grocery shopping for your non existent pumpkin cookies-no one is dressed up as a batman or a big fat  smelly pig.

Halloween is just so........
Never mind.
I will shut up and go to bed now. I think Bear’s anesthesia affected my brain too :)


Gotta get up an hour early and get those non walking, left out triplet, box head wearer’s (or not) children out the door for their glorious day of Halloween Fun!J.L

Getting Back….What You Give

I am not sure I have ever seen this this type of overwhelming love in my life.

Makes me think that having the type of career I have always had…I have missed out on many moments in my kids’s lives.

I got to have some good ones though  today that probably will fill me for a long while.

Bear finally came home last night from the hospital and today wanted to go get his homework in person at school and see his classmates for 5 minutes.

We made the arrangements.

We went. Both classes were together so about 55 kids doing an outside activity in the courtyards.

Nothing could have prepared him or me for that moment.

You almost think so much love could not be possible.

They saw him-all 55 of them …and they cheered and they cheered and cheered.

They started coming towards him, closer and closer and it was like a bees towards honey. They could not keep themselves away.

It almost looked like it was a stampede, the force was so strong.

Like magnets.

Then they teacher yelled “Be careful around him-he just had surgery!!!”

And so they all 55 delicately surrounded him. I have never seen anything like it.

I began to understand the virtual world of Generation Y because they gave him virtual hugs and kisses without touching him.

They communicated love, adoration, empathy, compassion friendship almost with out speaking.

He stood in the middle of this circle for the longest time and they all just looked at him.

And adored him.

And loved him so fully.

They were way stronger than any morphine or antibiotic could ever be.

And he just stood there taking it all in, tears rolling out of the corners of his eyes and not speaking. He was smiling, smiling, smiling.

They did a little dance for him-all of them.
A dance that apparently my Bear had made up at some point this year and taught them all.

They danced around him with tremendous energy.

They each promised to give him 10 candies from their Halloween bags to make a whopping 540 candies total. And they promised not to give him the crappy stuff.

On his way out they presented him with a HUGE card signed by all the 6^th graders that said “You have to come back..Because without you the class is Silent” That’s definitely my boy!!!!!!!!
And then he left-and they cheered again loudly and clapped as he walked back into the building.

We met his gym teacher on the way out and she gathered him in her arms for what seemed liked minutes and they both burst into tears. She loves him so completely and he loves her. Her heart was broken for him that he missed his big sports auditon for Sport Etudes in highschool.

We walked out of this building my Bear and I. I was very full of admiration, shock and  thankfulness. He was filled to the very brim with love. It comletely filled every inch of him.

What kept going through my head over and over and over was “You get back from life what you give to others”

This child, my middle child, who in many ways has been left to his own devices in our family with a very powerful older brother and an adorable little sister….is a true leader I realized in that moment. People around me have always told me..in that moment I believed them.

He, has given…alot.

Today I  took full note.

My goodness my darling.

Scared in the Dark

His bed is across from from Bear’s at the hospital . He is a 9yr old boy but moves and acts like a 6 month old baby.
A big boy in a baby's body. I think he had brain surgery as his head is wrapped in bandages. He looks around the room his eyes darting everywhere in search of a mobile that isn't there.

I lie awake all night and hear the every sound of this boy-hear his breathing,  hear his gurgling sounds, fear his seizures.  I watch in the night as his diapers are changed-watch as his face lights up when the staff approaches.
I observe as he smiles and laughs as if tickled when he is given a battery of blood tests. He likes the human contact. I look when he stares into space and does not move hour after hour when everyone else is sleeping.

I watch as this child opens his mouth and makes a clicking sound with his tongue over and over again.

I feel like I have met him before-like I recognize him.

I realize  have met him many a times in my mind. His name is  "My Biggest Fear".

I want to ask his parents what happened to their precious boy.
What is hurting?
What went wrong?
What happened to their poor, poor baby?
But I cannot ask..
Because there is no parent or loved one to be seen
He is alone. All days and all nights.

All night long I fear him. I want to run away from him. I want to run away from his pain. I contemplate asking to change rooms. I am scared-Bear is petrified.
I would do anything to run as far away as possible. Back to my email, my boardroom, to  my comforting and long  to do lists.
I lie awake and pray for morning to come.

And it does..And with the rise of the sun I realize that all the sudden I no longer need to run away from him... my instincts  all the sudden want to run towards him.
I have grown up overnight.
Living with Bear so sick has made me better as a person.

I face my fear-I gather my courage and I allow myself to feel-to fully take him in. To feel his pain, his aloneness, his suffering.
I walk over to his bed and I look at him.
He looks at me.
He looks deep into my eyes and welcomes me.
I don't feel like a terrible, awful cowardly woman anymore.
I start to feel alive again.
I want to sing him a  little song.   I want to touch his chubby face. If I knew he could eat chocolate I would sneak in the biggest bar.

I start to not wonder where his parents are anymore. I begin  not to judge them.
I understand that maybe they have not been able to face their fears-face their son..yet.
I do not judge them; I have been them for one night myself. I wanted to run away too.
I feel like surely their  hearts are broken wherever they may be.

I walk back over to my Bear in need of me to walk and go to the bathroom. He looks at me in shock as I come back from the big- boy- but- baby’s bed. What was I doing over there!!!!

I look at  my broken now, but healthy son in the eye .....and I lose myself completely. I start to sob but I cannot stop. He has never seen me this way. But he understands...he and I have lived this together-he gets it. I cry and cry and hold my head in my hands as he watches and stares.

As he gets up I tell him we have a stop along the way. He knows what I am talking about.
We walk 2 feet to the next bed and he looks at the boy and says "Hi Matis-I am your neighbor" I look at Matis and say "If you need a friend-we are here"

And then it comes big and bright and beautiful and clear.
He smiles at both of us......

We come back from the bathroom and not only is Matis still smiling...he is laughing.
He is no longer looking around the room for a mobile that is not there.
He is looking for his friend; My Bear who is there.
We have made Matis happy.
Matis is not alone anymore.

Sometimes if we stay with our fear and face it and don't run away-we get to feel joy. We get to give it.

What Bear has just learnt can never be taught in a lesson or during one of our Family nights or by recounting it to anyone.

It is just there and we choose to ignore it or to learn it.
Today we chose to feel, to hurt and to learn together.
We choose joy.

My Sweet Boy

(some typos no time but wanted to post important)

I find in life whenever something bad happens-something good also seems to happen.
The bad thing is worse-but the good things happening are precious too.
I notice myself notice good little things when big bad things are happening.
I notice msyself looking for them all over the place.

Bear was rushed on for emergency surgery last night and it was pretty bad. The appendix had actually died in his body by the time they got in there and ruptured coming out. It all seemed so quick an sureeal.

He is beyond weak today, but he still has that same little brave and sweet and wiser beyond his years spirit about him.

I noticed last night just how sweet this guy's smile is. I mean seriously it is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. He woke up FINALLY after 1.5 hrs of surgery with panic of me and hubby and nurse putting water in face, talking loudly to him, shaking him. Would not wake up and was a ragdoll for so long. Then in my sternest voice ever I commanded him to show us proof of life that I was scared.
And then........those beautiful blue eyes opended for a fraction of a second and a little goofy smile on his face with his" little half broken and half fixed two front teeth hanging as a overbite over lip"-smiled right at us.

I will remember that smile for a lifetime. He gave me my proof of life. He gave me what I needed.

Then there was waiting in the surgery with my Protector. Firstly he wept when they took his son into surgery. It touched me profoundly seeing this man love his son so deeply. He cried all the way down the elevator .God I love him. We ate our crappy sandwiches on the parents waiting room couch and tried to chat to pass the time more quickly. During this time he really professed his love for me..his love of me. For some reason it will stick in my mind the things he said. He said we would always be in life together as a team-no matter what. We are a team bc we are these kids parents and he could picture us sitting here always together in any circumstance. He said it would always be just me and him ,forever tied together for life by our immense love of the children we created together. It felt so bonding...to love them so..togeher. We feel exactly the same way the two of us about the three of them....we are passionate about them .....and this tied me to him in that moment and forever in such a special way. I treasured that moment to the same degree I wish it never had to happen. A paradox for certain.

And his night nurse, Anita,  her soothing wonderful voice. So secure, so smooth, so assuring. So lovely she was that nurse. I wanted to ask her if she could stay forever? She taught be how to treat my sick child like a Prince, taught me how the words could sound so sure, so sweet coming out of my mouth to my sick child. I will never forget the sound of her voice-it was if she had been put on this earth for that sound to be shared to those who needed it. She talked in such a way that he was respected, dignified and soothed. She made him feel way more than 11 yrs old and a baby at the same time. She respected his privacy as his gown slipped off in the back when he got into bed. She turned her head so he would feel not shy. She nutured him in a way I will never forget. She left in the morning and she was replaced -but she impacted us both this nurse.

At exactly 6:46am this morning Bear turns to me and says as in the calmest of voices "mommy can u please tell me when it is 6:50am-I must text Chase as he awakes". And so he does..words of love..and Chase texts back words of love from him and Beauty-back and forth it goes. Always ending with "I love u" Always. I love watching this love between my chidren this deep deep bond. They wake up wanting eachother and go to bed worrying about eachother. It's like a sibling love cocoon between the 3 of them so close and connected. Then.....of course when back together  soon they they fight, and compete and wrestle all over the place-but at least they say I love you all the time -that's a good sign of longevity I think.

And then I notice all the little but big things-the things I had before but have temporaily lost. His laugh, his strong posture, his hot temper, his quick remarks, his big hugs. I miss them all-but know they must come back soon. I pray they come back quickly.
In the meantime I take what I have.....a little , skiiny long haired blong guy who seems to talke offense to wearing any clothes and wants to be naked all the time. Big, tired blue eyes sunken in to his sometimes flushed but pale yellowish colored face. He still smiles at me once in a while...and he still says only really one sentence "I love u" he is filled to the brim with love. He is tired, he is hurting, he is stressed and frusterated.

But.......the good thing is about this bad, bad thing...

Is that he is going to get better real soon.

And I know in my heart, as sure as the sun rises every morning, he will be part of the sports program  he so covets and desires at his new highschool even though he missed the 3hr audition that was critical. It will find his way back to him. He is deserving. I know, he knows..we all know-

He will  be running, climbing, rowing, swimming, diving, camping, biking and everything else as often as possible with that powerful little body. He..and it...were meant to do great things. And he will.

Trust the dots wil connect. Believe in the Process. Come Complete with Capability. i am getting lots of practice that is certain. It will all work out...

No worries Bear.

Makes Perfect Sense

A few quotes and phrases that I picked up this week, being offsite for work, that I know will personally change me and the way I look at things. Don’t know where these quotes come from so unfortunately in most cases can’t give credit.

“Any event is neutral”

Meaning to me: We choose how we decide to think about anything in our lives. The way we think about something is entirely up to us.

“Because I believe in and trust the process “

Source: My smart, smart boss at work

Meaning to me: This means that she has the attitude in life that I soooo covet!!! She really believes in situations and people. She allows things and people around her to fail if that is what is needed and feels comfortable with it as she knows they will learn and be better at it the next time. Did I mention how much I learn from this woman??

Between action and reaction there is a space...which is choice (or something like that)

Meaning to me: Stop and think before you react-you always have a choice. You always chose what you decide to think or do.

Can you tell what my focus these days is? Letting life run its natural course. Believing the dots will connect. Having faith. Less interfering. More supporting and coaching

So far-I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. Two pretty badly failed math exams, 1 sports exam on Sunday of 3 grueling hours with no attempts for preparation, and a child who has barely changed clothes in 3 weeks while I have been away…. I can’t say I care all that entirely much about any of it (ok..ok still some anxiety but I sleep like a baby). This is as definate beginning for me of trusting the process.

Some things that hit me over the last two weeks of traveling all over the place…..is that I was reminded of the beautiful diversity of people. How different everyone is and how happy they all all can be in their unique and different ways.

I realized in my travels how people find happiness in so many different ways. It seems to come in so many forms…it is prescribed and claimed on so many various  levels Made me understand the universal feeling of satisfaction and how a smile means something different for each individual.

Today I left my last day ,of being away for work for a while,  with a very overwhelming feeling.:

How dare I get in the way of someone else’s path? How dare I claim to know best?

My job is to inspire. Their job is to follow their own paths.

It used to be my job to make them smile and make them happy. What I am beginning to understand and accept now is that what may make them smile might be different than what makes me smile. They need to find their own smiles. I need to sit back and watch them find that smile. And accept to  watch them do a whole lot of crying along the way.

I realized today that a really good Mother understands that:

…..their smiles belong to them.:).

Up-to-date Families

 In every parenting course I have ever given, or with any parent I have ever coached, I begin with the first ritual that I believe to be instrumental to any happy family.

I call it Family Calendar.

It takes 10 minutes a week-but truly minimizes minutes, hours and many  headaches for the remainder of the week.

It consists of all members of the family sitting down together for 10 minutes a week , every week on the same day every week , usually on a Sunday right before a new week begins,  and going over the family calendar together and what’s upcoming for each member (extra curricular activities, special events, exams, parent’s work schedules, birthdays and anniversaries etc..)

Most organized families I know have a central calendar for the family on their laptop or stuck on the fridge-but this goes one step further-it is the sharing of it that is essential. The discussion around it that is critical.

This simple ritual not only gathers the family together, but provides a climate of stability, security, predictability and comfort for everyone involved, It also forces the parents to be more organized and aware of where they and their children are spending their time and gives them important reality checks into their calendars.

I have found that just installing this one simple process into a household makes a massive difference into the quality of family life. Children crave security and knowledge and this format is all inclusive and they feel important knowing the whereabouts of both themselves and their loved ones.

It is especially important in families where both parents have busy and demanding careers so that the children have a sense of knowledge and understanding of who will be taking care of them and their needs when their parents are not there and at work. It comforts them to know Mom is in Portugal and Dad is working super late on Wednesday but that Grandma will be making dinner that night. They know that Friday night everyone will be back together and can look forward to special Swiss chocolates that will be brought home as a treat. It lets everyone look forward to the moments of the week ahead and prepares them for the moments that may be tougher or harder on kids.

I know in our own family it has been an instrumental tool in our household since my youngest was about 2 yrs old. Sunday night we go through our family calendar-directed by me.

This week we did “not have time for family calendar” (in quotes because as I write it I realize that it is a lame excuse, who cannot make time for 10 minutes!)

I saw the difference in our week already. Everyone is a bit all over the place and a bit mixed up. I am gone all week (again!) but back for one night tonight. No one could even look forward to me coming home because they did not know when I was returning. Beauty was all confused of who was picking her up from cooking and Chase had no one rooting for him for his big upcoming math exam. Just left us all a bit strangely disconnected. I even forgot to send my Hubby my itineraries of hotels this week or tell him where I will be staying the next two days!

So don’t be afraid to start this ritual in your home even if you have little ones or have little time. You will see the benefits very quickly. Makes you more organized, more in charge and more deliberate in the way you choose to spend your time.

Biggest Bonus: Your kids start to appreciate that Mom and Dad actually have a life too. It really pays off when one of them will turn to you and say “Thanks so much Mom for making time to drive me to my friend’s house Friday night. I know you had a crazy week and would probably rather be taking a nap.”

That’s when you get to turn around and say “Are you Kidding? No way! Driving you around is the best part of my week. There is nothing I would rather be doing right now”.

Happy Family Scheduling to All!

The Great Escape

I am often asked by people how it is so that my Protector and I are so close and communicative and aligned on stuff even after 15.5 yrs of marriage. (By the way, I will sometimes use my Guy or my Hubby for his name too. So important to me he gets a few names for my blogJ).

I often don’t realize how we may look or appear to the outside world. So when asked this question I really have to think about the answer.

I realized this weekend what a few of our success factors have been over the years and will list them below:

(Word of warning-we have also many, many areas to work on as a couple….to which we both always strive to do. I am much more the family “expert” than I am a wife “expert”. For God’s sake I barely cook or clean or know how to be a proper wifeJ This post focus on what we do well as a couple, but rest assured we have many areas of development. I am on a continous quest to learn from others about successful couples lives and I regularly ask couples who have been married for many years what their secret to success has been.

There are however a number of things that I believe have made us very successful-especially  in couplehood as it relates to parenting:

-Our Great Escapes. This weekend we impromptu hired a sitter overnight and took off the two of us at the cottage alone for about a 24 hr period. We felt we needed some time alone: time to chat, time to rest and so we made it happen and quickly. We basically did NOTHING for 24 hrs except read, cook a nice meal, watch a movie, stay in bed in the morning until 1pm, go for an awesome walk in the forest and sit in the Jacuzzi. It was amazing.

We do this fairly often for a couple with three kids. We have my Mom who often helps us out or we have a few sitters who are old enough to stay overnight and we train them well. Or we swap weekends with other couple friends and take their kids if they want a getaway.

I would say that we do maybe 4 -5 weekends per year alone time ands then a full two weeks in November alone on a trip. These times are priceless and truly amazing. It fuels us for the rest of the year. In the same way that a car needs gas to function-we need our time alone and away from our home.

What we have been good at is planning this in advance, and making it happen despite many obstacles. We don’t cancel for hockey, or ballet, or even a runny nose. On bigger vacations we have back-ups to our sitters in case of illness.

We protect our time alone. Fiercly.

-Our second factor that I think is a big success is that we often and regularly as a couple talk about and discuss our home, our kids, our values, our beliefs, our wants and our desires. We are "planning and strategizing partners" -we try to align on everything from the math tutor for our kids, to what friends we want to book weekends with at the cottage in the winter to how to best achieve a good system of where to put the laptops in the house to create order.

We have lists every Monday for more than an hour and talks in the car there and back from the cottage on many many issues, details and decisions. We are all present for weekly Family Calendar. This really, really works for us and has been the cornerstone of any peace and closeness that others observe in us.
Despite two very, very busy careers both family and friends remain top priorities for us always.

I was reading a blog I follow called "71 Toes" and she talks about the way that her husband and her do in their families what is called “Five Facet Reviews”.  Every quarter they fully discuss each of their 5 children. I realized that this was a beautiful way to articulate what my Guy and I have done in our family since each child was born very often and regularity. We discuss always many facets of their well-being (mental, academic (replaces her spiritual), physical, social and emotional).

We often discover problems before they occur; we foresee them and plan against them. We are very much aligned when it comes to our children.

-The last aspect of my Guy and I that I will discuss here is that we do a lot of things together. Most things actually and it has always been that way. We spend all our weekend together and spend time together every single day after work together (unless travelling). We make time for each other-always.

Time together is never something that we sacrifice. Even if the desk and kitchen are piled high with paper or dishes we take the time to sit and chat after work by the pool or by the fire with a drink and a snack.

On weekends we are almost always doing similar activities (both cleaning and organizing the house, both relaxing, both doing an activity together as a family, both with mutual friends etc...)

When we are on our laptops-we are usually  both on our laptops, when we read we both read, when we sleep we both sleep, when we watch a show- it is  most often together.

It is very rare with the little time that we do have outside of work  that we are apart.

So much so,  that this year we put into place a rule that we had to spend 1 hour apart in the evening!

Of course we do some separate things-I see my Mom often, I have girl spa weekends, I have a ton of travel and offsite stuff for work, he goes to cottage on his own sometimes, does his things, sees his people, but this is the exception.

Most of our friends are couple friends with children and this has been a saving grace for us as a family…when we socialize everyone is taken care of. He has his buddies, I have my girlfriends, and the kids all have eachother. We are all very, very close to each other’s families almost like cousins and see each other regularily. It really works for us.

So although my Guy and I are far from perfect as a couple and have some ways to go on areas that I wish came a lot easier to us…there is a lot of love there and a lot of deliberate work on our part to make our couple’s life and our family life successful and a place for happiness and wellbeing.

I might also mention that he and I are polar opposites. And I mean polar. He is a kind, patient, nurturing, and extremely intelligent, extremely sarcastic, warm, calm, humble, talented, domestic and caring person (you can only imagine what the opposites of those adjectives say about me!)

I have always loved the expression “Home is Haven to the Heartless World”
I have always meaured the success of my marriage by  when I continue to always want to come home from work to my husband. I am always excited to pull up into our driveway... and spend time..with him..talking about both of our crazy lives..

Are we focusing on the right stuff....I don't know?  Sometimes I think we are better at being really good at what we do well than working on what we do not do well at all as a couple. One thing I know for sure-we are in this together. For now that is what seems to matter.

My Trophy

She knows who she is.

You would fly across the world for an 18 hour stay for her. It would all be worth it because you know how much this award means to her.

It gives you personally tremendous global recognition, but you know that really it is her baby; her vision that got you here.

You planned together, worked together, cooperated together and shared the pure desire to win together. You did this  as a team. To win and you did.

You could not have done this without her… and her without you –it was a synergized compilation of both of your strengths and talents.

You and your team may hold the trophy-but it is she that owns it.

You can barely remember a time that you were not so believed in-so empowered and so motivated. She took you and she…..watched as you blossomed into the potential that you needed to become. She held you as high and as capable that one can be held-she watched with pride as you grew to exactly the place you needed to be. She let you make mistakes. She allowed you to run your own show.

She nurtured you.

She has always treated you with the utmost respect-the utmost dignity in all of your roles; as a professional,  as a mother and as a wife. She has watched you fall and watched you triumph. She has treated your life as an integrated and full whole.

She is what is meant by a LEADER. She leads by example. She is fearless.

You went to accept that amazing award-because by you going,she won too. You practiced and polished your acceptance speech because for her you being on that stage was all she wanted for her moment in the spotlight.

She was not there physically-but she was there emotionally. You had her with you every step of the way.

You will never, ever forget this remarkable person and friend who has so many wonderful skills and traits…but of all of them the most important one has been her belief in you and your capability to achieve things for which you had not thought you were capable.

Because of her……you will end up realizing your dreams. Because of her…you will know that you have dreams and what they are. Because of her you will strive in your own life to pay it forward and to fully believe in the powers of just believing in someone else and what this can do to unleash full potential.

Without her…..you may not have been able to come complete with capability.

With her…. you know you will always win.

Congratulations Canada! You did it!

Deliberate Traditions-Friday Nights

So... in line with my goal to be more deliberate in some of my traditions in our home I am starting with our Friday night routines.

When the kids were little we had a really good tradition of every Friday night-coming home from work early, ordering in pizza and cuddling up on the sofa and watching a family movie all together. It was the only time that we ate in front of the TV and the kids loved it. It was so relaxing and a great end to the week.

As of a few years ago this tradition of ours seemed to change. Often the kids would have a friend over and want to watch a movie that we had no interest in, or they would go to a friend’s place on Friday night and not be here at al. We would often have only one out of the three kids and then sometimes 6 kids if they each had a friend over. We decided ordering in was too expensive and the food wasn’t good anyways. We started letting our Friday night slip through our fingers and lost that precious family time together.

We are claiming it back!

My rationale is the following: The kids are getting older and I am finding, ironically less inclined to be with friends on Friday nights as when they were younger. I always want them to feel that they have a good, fun family alternative to spending it with friends. It is important for me to stress to my kids that we always want them with us. Friends are good too-but family is forever. I want to hold onto my kids for as long as possible. I think regrouping together at the end of the week in a fun and relaxed setting is really important for a family to be close and cohesive.

Friday night we all watch three shows together that have been taped throughout the week: Amazing Race, Modern Family and Parenthood. The kids chose them together and look forward to them.
We will order out about 1x per month but the rest of the time will be pasta night on Fridays. Spaghetti sauce, pesto, and tortellini rose etc…. Always with a nice big Cesar salad and garlic bread. On WHITE pasta-the big privilege since my health kick!  Or hubby will pick up sushi or some other special thing on his way home from work. I will always go with one of the kids to choose something for dessert and share it all together. Relaxed family fun-cuddling together on the couch, no chores, no homework-just enjoying each other’s company.

They can always choose to go to a friend’s house-that is perfectly fine. They can always invite friends over too-and that is perfectly fine. The difference is none of these options will be encouraged, but will however be accepted. The other rule will be that Friday night continues on if we have 1 kid here or 3 kids-the tradition will take place regardless of who shows up. Great example is tonight I will not be there as my brother is in town  from the USA and we are going out for a nice long and leisurely dinner together and so I will be abscent, but the rest of the family will continue the tradition together. This is an important aspect, as with 3 kids, two careers, lot of travel on my part for business and a cottage-there seems to often be someone missing..

I am excited about our deliberate new tradition and think it will be a nice thing to have in our home throughout the teen years especially where the biggest message I want my children to understand it” You always have a place here right at home. We are a group of people who love you and we will always be here for you. We want you here, and value you and are interested in you. We enjoy your company”

As I re-read my above post I recognize its simplicity. No big deal-most people probably do this in their homes on a Friday night and we have often done this too on most Friday nights anyways in the past. What is different for me it’s that it is now a deliberate choice that I am committing to from this point forward.  Its simplicity is the key to its success for me.

As psychologist and physician Dr. Gordon Neufeld says “join forces to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trend of our time-peers replacing parents in the lives of our children. It’s important for families to find solutions to restore the intuitive child- parent bond to its rightful place to what nature intended: the true source of contact, security and warmth”

Trust that the Dots will Somehow Connect

“You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to be able to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future” (Steve Jobs, 2005 )

Yup… so this is what I will use as my compass for my big 40 decade that I just turned this weekend. It’s rare that a quote jumps out on me and has as much impact on me that this one does. It’s what I will repeat over and over, and likely soon hang on my walls.

Speaking of birthdays I had the best birthday(s) my life actuallyJ

I have not been this spoiled, and been made such a fuss over for a very long time. My birthday seemed to go on and on and on. I was actually a little bashful about it really.

That being said, I have also never felt so appreciated and recognized. I enjoyed every single spoiling moment.

I was part of the initial planning (of course) but then was totally out of the details (how relaxing!).

When asked about turning 40 I was really against a big party. I like intimacy-I like people close to me. I like to talk to the people and sit beside them when they come to my party. So we split it up into a number of parts.

The only people missing for me in this celebration were my brothers and their families. I wish they lived closer and could have been there for these special occasions. In spirit though-they are always there-the three of us emailing, talking texting and just loving each other always is just as special to me.

Get together 1-

Was at Trent on a gorgeous September day with the leaves starting to change colors in the mountains. The New Heights group and all their kids came to spend a fun, relaxing, and spendid day in the sun. Boating, tubing, hot dogs and hamburgers. Kids running everywhere just the way I love it, to the neighbors and back, on the trampoline and to next door again. It was a perfect day. Mainly it was just an excuse to get all these wonderful people together, but was icing on the cake when I had a yummy birthday cake, some gifts and a very special early gift from my daughter who recorded “Favorite Girl” at a professional recording studio with my Mom and showed it to the 27 of us all that evening. Might qualify as the best birthday gift ever! I love the gifts I got that day-most of which have stayed at Trent and are special and precious keepsakes of me to build memories on.

Get together Number 2.

This one was over the top. What made it so special were all the surprises!!!! My hubby went up and decorated the whole place for me. Big birthday signs on the door, lots of balloons, 40 signs everywhere (In case I had forgotten) my favorite candies, chocolate, salted nuts and fave  food everywhere in sight. Dozens of pink roses everywhere too. Fireworks at 11pm outside-it was truly amazing. We had  four of our closest couples friends up there so with us made 10 of us. Everyone left their kids at home and came to spend the weekend. It was fun to have an overnight with all of our buddies. Felt like we were teenagers. 

There were so many moments that weekend that I will engrain in my memory forever it was so special for me. I think what really made it precious was the people who were there. Each one is such a different friendship and so unique to both hubby and I. Have contributed immensely to who we are, especially as parents. With each one we have such a feeling of “being in this together” . We have watched eachother'ss kids been born, watched kids beginning schools, watched as families have been blended. Been there through heartaches and losses, triumphs and moments of sheer joy. We have shared ourselves with these people and they have shared themselves with us.

We took a look at this group around us  and were very thankful for the extremely close relationships we have with all of them.

Highlights of the night: Sister Savvy’s birthday scrapbook.. I received from Savvy an extremely thoughtful and precious scrapbook of memories. She had written to all my loved ones and put everything together into a gorgeous birthday book with pictures, headings, decorations and everything else. I can tell you my mascara ran long and hard that evening. I can sincerely say that everyday since; I have either looked at the book myself or shown it to someone else. The best part for me is that Savvy did not have time to do this-she has 5 kids! And a big job! And went away twice this summer! She truly made time for ME…this for me was a really wonderful and true sign of love. I will never ever forget this Savvy.  She even made time for me to make one of my birthdays CD's again!
It felt amazing for me to introduce Savvy’s wonderful man to everyone . We have been bragging about him for a few years now and how wonderful he is…and felt so good to have him and Savvy there together. Made me so happy and gratful for  these two amazing friends , so perfect for each other and so compete. I wish hubby had not been so hard on her for not baking homemade muffinsJ

Highlights for the Sweethearts: Cupcakes, Baked Alaska and Aprons (need I say more!)

The Sweethearts were exactly like their name. Sweethearts. Each time they are around…..everyone around them seems to be drawn into them and surrounded by their love, their affection and there joy of life.

My cupcakes and cake were beyond words they were so good…when Miss Sweetheart bakes she truly bakes from the heart. Lucky for our stomachs and waistlines-she seems to love us a lot!

I will never forget my apron gift either.. Especially that we took pictures of it and forgot and  played them and displayed on the big TV with Emma there later. She has still never come up from underneath the the table she is so embarrassed-lol!!!!

My Soul keeper and her wonderful man were also there of course. What is incredible about this couple is just genuine and so natural they both are. When you come in contact with them you just feel as though they have known you all of your life. With them having the  youngest kids of the group, it's funny how this couple for us has been the one who we have as mentors for raising older children. Both social workers and now one a teacher, having worked with teenagers most of their careers….we are lucky to have these two as guiders, supporters and counselors for us.  Our ways and values around raising kids are so similar and it is such  a valuable gift for us to be able to go through life with these two on our journey as parents and friends. I also loved my pillow and my GraceBay frame so much.True gifts from the heart.

Last but not least the Holidays provided us with music, love laughter and entertainment all evening along with wonderful and gorgeous gifts carefully chosen and selected. Miss Holiday had to get off the boat but was ever present for the remainder of the festivities. Mr. Holiday even feels asleep on the coach with many around singing Cherokee! We can always count on this wonderful couple to be the life of the party, make us laugh and be there for us through the many moments of our lives.

That weekend was absolutely perfect. I would not have changed a single moment.

Get together Number 3-

I have an amazing spa day planned with my beautiful friends, Childhood Wonder and Soul keeper. I can’t wait!!!!! The birthday would not be complete if the three high school buddies who have bloomed into Mommies could not spend the day together in a hot tub. I don’t think it will be possible to all be silent in the relaxation corner with the three of us there-we all have way too much to say. These girls…..are amazing women and have been there for me for some many moments of my life. I am so deeply thankful for both of them. They may not know it, but both of them have defined me in so many ways. They are so much a part of who I have become and themselves and their families of orientation and now their families of procreation have contributed to my suitaces of experiences, values and defining life moments so very much.
When my Dad died...it was their two faces that I looked for at the funeral..... and I searched and saw them and was able to go on with my eulogy.

Get together Number 4-

Happened this weekend on my real birthday weekend and was hosted by Uncle Chez Vito and Aunt Chiffon. Best meal ever , cinnamon chicken over couscous and homemade Eastside Mario’s salad. Loblaw’s cake to perfect the occasion. Again a night where I was truly spoiled.

My Mom planned party games, prizes and everything!!!

Each gave a speech that they had written out and this time lots and lots of tears again. Veto and Chiffon..you are amazing people. How lucky I am to have you in my life. And to think you think so highly of me???

I was given beautiful gifts by all including a magazine subscription called “More” by  my two wonderful cousins  (and godchildren). Even though it is for middle aged woman-I love this magazine-hee hee! My Mom gave me her incredible bag full of gifts as usual including a very special rock shaped like a heart. The kids all made gorgeous homemade gift under the supervision of my Mom and even included each a sign they painted for their rooms at Trent with the names they came up with.

 I proudly introduce-three newly named rooms at Trent: Blue-Sky, Chill and Wave Setter.

The best part-a whole bunch of pages added to Savvy’s scrapbook from Mom, all three kids and my Protector. Each with an incredible amount of love in them and devotion…

Bear’s poem to me ended with. “My Life without you Mom would be a Disaster”. That was a pretty big recognition I must say! I worked for this goal all my life:
"Fender Offer of Disaster"-love it!

Mom’s gorgeous card with  what is supposed to be me on a horse with wild colorful hair prancing into the next stage of her life. Being set free. It’s a framer for sure. When I think of my Mom I will always think of this horse from this point forward and proudly wear her charm around my neck for good luck.

Thanksgiving the next day was just as good. All 3 kids having run in a 5km with my Uncle and Aunt in Ottawa, a big hike in Gatineau Park and the waterfalls and Bear carving turkey under the  gental guidance and supervision of Chez Vito. Chase and charades and Beauty and her 207 hits to her You-Tube video. Mom the fountain of youth climbing waterfalls, Chez Vito with his sincere and heartfelt wishes and thanks, and Chiffon in her beautiful new kitchen the center of all this love. Their two cubs with wonderful and heartfelt thanks for their education and support at the Thanksgiving table and my admiration and joy at the beautiful and incredible and responsible people that have become in their young adulthood.

My husband sitting right beside me holding my hand.

Last but not least, before my sendoff to accept our HR Award in Switzerland this afternoon an amazing and heartfelt card from my boss at work. Her belief in me and my potential.....has truly changed what I  myself believe I am capable of in life. She said she is excited to sit back and watch my next decade. She also said that “I am extremely easy to be kind to”. What a lovely compliment and one that I will always remember.

It all impressed me so incredibly much.

It impacted me to no end.

It made me realize just how very much I am loved and cherished.

Made me conscious of how much love I have given to others in my life.

Made me fully understand that everything will come together just in the way it should be.

It will all be ok. It will all work out just fine.

Made me realize how important it will be in this new decade to sit back more and enjoy the ride. It's the actual ride that counts right?

Have full faith that the dots will somehow connect.

Enjoy connecting them. Delight in the process.Never lose sight that this is the ONE life I have to live.

Happy Birthday to ME.

A heartfelt thanks to Steven Jobs for putting ideas in my mind, words in my mouth and a compass for my new direction.

FAQ- Alignment between Parents in Childrearing

“My spouse and I get along very well but often disagree on how to raise our child, discipline techniques and overall family routines. Is this a problem? Can you recommend a tool that can help us out?”

This is probably one of the biggest topics that my clients and many families I know struggle with in parenting. Alignment-or often lack of alignment, between a child’s two parents. In the case of blended families I am sure it is a whole other situation entirely with a more complex set of circumstances...and I am not an expert at all in this area, so I speak below for the families with two parents living together.

One of my favorite techniques for alignment comes from a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross. W Greene.

In his book, Ross discusses the concept of "Baskets" I love it. I use it all the time, I coach on it regularly and I believe into it wholeheartedly.

I use this concept and encourage parents to sit down and make a laundry list of issues, behaviors and situations that they have to nag their kids on  in their homes on a regular basis (cleaning up after dinner, brushing teeth, doing homework, talking back, going to sleep, waking up, going to church, swearing, being disrespectful etc..)
Once these issues are on a list,  I ask them to sort them out into three Baskets which each parent completes first individually.

(In my own words!!)

Basket A- the "No!-You must!-You Can't ! basket. Important basket.

Basket B- contains behaviors that you have decided are important but over which you will not lose sleep. Somewhat important basket.

Basket C-holds behaviors that may have once seemed high priority but have since been downgraded considerably. Irrelevent basket

How do you think most people’s baskets look like initially? Guess?

Most of the parent’s pages are filled with basket A’s. A few basket B’s. No basket C’s . Usually the two parent’s baskets are also very different in terms of what even makes it on the list at all.

The goal? To reverse this. A few basket A’s; plenty of basket B’s and many basket C’s. Second goal-to agree on this shared list as parents.

You have to choose your battles in life when it comes to kids and life in general. Before you do this-you have to know what your battles even are or what you want them to be.  Most importantly you have to agree and align on this with your partner-or your household can become a place of insecurity, instability and chaos for your child.

I think some of the happiest kids I have seen come from families where both parents are aligned and consistent in their discipline. In one family you might observe that those kids are always super polite at the table (table manners basket A) but when it comes to doing homework they sit and do it in front of the TV (basket B) Both parents agree to this and execute these expectations in their home.

Another family could be that teenagers are at home at a strict curfew (basket A) but does not matter how often they do or do not take out the garbage (basket c). Parents are aligned on what they are willing to make a fuss over.

On a personal note my  own house looks something like this: Kids all quiet and doing lots of homework everyday, kids in bed and calm at same time every night without a fuss, kids all present at all family events and socialize often with other adults & friends  in an engaging, social and respectful way (basket A).

Kids do their chores well sometimes and sometimes our house looks like a warzone, they smell good on special occasions and smell like sweat on some days of the week, their teeth are brushed but not flossed most days, and they are often found in the house being loud and running around with each other while other times cooperatively hanging out together outside (basket B).

They eat like birds off of baby sized plates (still), they don’t make their beds ever, they wrestle and scream a lot while simultaneously acting annoying and obnoxious and practically  every show or movie they watch is rated above PG 13 (basket C).

Oh ya… and they spill syrup on the floor without cleaning it up (should be a basket F for this one).

So first step is to know what is important to you and second step is to align. Is it easy to do this? No of course not! Who ever said parenting was easy and simple?? If they did they lied to you.  This is actually a lethal activity to do! Time-consuming, bureaucratic, hard to find time for and often not a pleasant and enjoyable task.

That’s ok. It’s worth it for the peace it will bring to your home down the road. It’s part of parenting in a deliberate way.  I recommend it should make it onto your “to do list” in the same way that laundry miraculously does.

Traditions Around Here that Already Exist-Celebration!

We leave important meetings at work for it and drive home and back to work again . We each  give him a big personal hug and kiss. We leave our clients in the waiting room and close our office door and blare his motivational song on You-Tube over the phone as a way to surprise him with the news.  His Sister and Brother cry for him (one in joy and the other TBD). We encircle him and give him the bumps again. We write an email to everyone we know with the good news. We bring home a special dessert to all share together. We let it slip that he was supposed to be on a consequence tonight because he was rude this morning.

We celebrate each other. Always. No matter what. No matter where we are-or what we are doing. Each other’s successes always come first. We do the same with Disappointments. It’s the Five of us (and six with my Mom!). Forever and a Day.

Today I said to my hubby as we received the news:

“Can he do this..this incredible and amazing school but at the same time -this tough, elite, hard,  high performance driven school? Is this the right place for certain-can we actually handle this with two of them now there. Will we  all survive this?”

My hubby full of loving and calm conviction said back:

“We  can and we will do it. It is hard work but he and we will certainly do this   it. It is the perfect place for him. Life is not made to be easy”

Congratulations Bear! You did it!

Coming Complete with Capability

I was going to call this blog post “Coming Complete with Caring” but then I decided it was not that at all.

It actually has nothing to do with caring. I could never, ever not care or care less.

What I have to complete with is actually fueled by my immense caring. It’s caring enough to set myself free. It’s caring enough to let go in sometimes and often.

One of my Teachers of Transformation taught me the term “coming complete” and it is now part of the daily language I use. I have used this term on by blog before and referred to it. I have used it in the way of “coming complete” with a friend or family member on issues, or conflicts, or in terms of being fully honest and not holding grudges.

But what I am about to do right now is way bigger than that. It is HUGE for me  actually and I won’t be doing this often because it not something you do everyday.

I am going to make a declaration. I am going to once and for all come complete on something that is actually ruining my life in many ways up until this very moment.

Here it is. It it time.

October 3rd 2011

I declare that I am officially complete with taking on the worrying for my kids about parts of their lives that belong to them. I declare that I am complete with projecting onto them in some situations incapability. I am done with this.

Gosh that felt good. Seriously-since now I declared this I have to live into this. I am accountable my friends. I may sway in the wrong direction at various points but now that I have declared it-I owe it to myself to always get back on the right path. At least now I know what the path is even….

Glad I declared this before my big 40th birthday coming up this week..it needed to be done.

I am putting this under the “Teen” section because I am finding that such a declaration is important especially as our children enter those all important and complex teen years. I think letting go (and sitting back and praying for them!) is actually a fundamental milestone that we all have to pass through to really be successful as parents. I have not been able to pass into this stage yet-I am struggling with it immensely.

I  am so often the one to give the parenting advice that it is really an amazing feeling to be the one getting parenting advice every once in a while. I need to ask for it more. I need to be supportable by others much more often-it feels so good.

Today, I cried my eyes out on the phone to my poor Heartbeat, my Mom for almost a full hour. It reminded me of how capable she holds me as her daughter. She listened well, she advised, she comforted me. And then she went on with her day.

She did not fall apart because her daughter was falling part. I doubt she is taking at Ativan tonight because her daughter sounded desperate and miserable. I doubt that she has any doubt that I can handle what I am going through and that I can get through this….in my own way. She believes in me fully. She thinks more of me than I do of myself.

Does she run over here and make it all better? Does she stop everything she is doing and focus only on how to make it all better for me. Does she stay up all night and write a long list of solutions and hand it to me the next morning in a rainbow colored envelope with a chocolate inside? Does she sit there in fear of me being sad? Does she cry herself to sleep at night because I am feeling pain and struggling?

Does she try to make it better for me to make herself feel better ?

No she tries to make me…..heard and supported and validated as a person. She believes in me. She knows I am capable to handle whatever life throws at me.

So today as I was in pain and I listened to my smart Mother talk me through it,  it finally clicked for me that part of getting some of her joy and peacefulness in my own life is to simply claim it back for myself. Let my kids (especially my teen and tween) take back some of the stress that I so heavily carry for them without them even asking for me to take on this load. Set them free. Set myself free.

It’s time to give Back one Big suitcase Baby. If you need help carrying it…. let me know I will be more than pleased to give you a hand.