Winter Pics

have been living by these words and bi part of new book I am almost finished

my precious mentors twin grandaughters come home from 7 months in NICU!!!

I love my girl:)

I love seeing cousins together

Didi love at the dance show

lately everyone commenting how much we look alike

Family time!

Boyfriend time

Friend time

New glasses

VP Events campaign!!!!

At Shriners at least with a smile

Guitar from Didi!

I love having a teen daughter!

My darling:)

My view as I awake)

We made a gym in basement! We share it as Beauty dance studio too

new haircut

AmaBella my niece turned 18! we sent her a pandora bracelet

Consolation candy after Shriner appt and bad news

Bday party for Hubbys buddy!

Valentines morning

last day of Accutane

Mama Bear feeling a little better!

Bear cooked a three course organic meal that was so delicious

Day we decided to work together on new business!

Hubbys Brefeuf girls

Hubby and BDay boy

I will launch a new business horray! and keep my other one too!

Love the weekends at cottage!!!

Business partners

Beauty and her ski group she taught all winter

Glass Castle

I have had some favorite movies on my life

Glass castle is by far my favourite and saw this last night

Written by Jeanette Walls I had also read the book which was ok but the movie was even better which is a rare experience

It touched a cord in me that has not been touched for a long long time .

Very dissimilar to my own life for certain , but many shared emotions .

Trying to run so far from my dad and his mental illness that seemed to swallow me like a large whale and encompass me

His illness overriding all the amazing and happy times we did have together

WhAt touched me so much in this movie was that the grown up daughter did finally come to an acceptance of her dad and the peace that ensued . Her family pushing her outside of what she thought capable . She found peace when she accepted her dad and his limitations. The acceptance of it led her to great joy and freedom

Both the younger and older daughter actresses were brilliant .

I was also reminded of the strong bond between my own daughter and her dad . Last year when he held her hands and looked deep into her eyes and asked that she trust him which she did and which he has so dilegently protected her trust every moment of every day since . I see what she will have with her dad that I did not and makes me so profoundly happy for her .

It made me so desperately happy for both of them and also so desperately scared . Loving so hard is risky business sometimes isn’t it ?

I saw myself in that daughter in the movie so clearly in so many ways . She was the daughter in me , the mother , the wife , the friend . The girl inside my woman .

She had to leave her life to come back to herself . Thankfully I did not . At the end when she wore her hair down at the table with her siblings and laughed and laughed I saw Freedom , acceptance and peace . I saw where I am now . I also felt sad for my path and my dads path that was unable to be completed in life but has been so much more in death .

Him laughing and her looking up , him protecting her and telling her how beautiful she was to him and how special . Him getting to her on a way that no other man ever would . The beautiful bond between father and daughter , one that I had very small glimpses of for a very short while in very small doses but there nonetheless . I know this now as I can remember the glimpses . I have allowed myself

25 memories on a Paper feels good enough . Sharing it . Writing about my experiences . Remembering who I am . Putting pen to paper . Remembering love . Love that was there . Fighting for it for myself . Reminding those around me I need to remember as much as I may show I want to forget

Don’t let great be the enemy of good is what I often say .

I loved this movie with my heart and soul and will ask everyone who loves me to watch it . Even if it was completely different than my life and circumstances so many of the feelings in it were mine

It broke my heart and saved it all at once

Watch the Glass Castle . It is a masterpiece not to be missed

Shining the Hot Water

Everywhere I go this month I am hearing about shining the light ... Shining goodness on others etc 

Some in a very religious way using Jesus as a reason to do so and some in not so religious way just bc December is a good month to spread our goodwill and cheer 

Although it has always seemed odd to me to focus on shining light specially one one month of the year - I still love the concept of shining our goodness and light ( all months of the year )

So today instead of shining my light I tried to shine  and will the hot water 

In a very very frustrating situation ...

Let's say you have plans for a really special dinner at a friend's place that was already cancelled a couple of weeks ago . And you have rallied all the kids and made them come . And they finally agreed as they know they will have a great time when they are there so cancel and alter all their plans 

And then that dinner gets cancelled for the second some bc the hosts are sick 

Well you also had a hair appt that you had specifically put that same day as why not look nice since you need your haircut and color anyways ?

Well Let's say that after the hair appt the hairdresser who is supposed to like you after 20 yrs breaks it to you that there is no more hot water left and that the water heater is broken 

And then you go to a sink 

And along with what seems hundreds of other clients have your hair " washed "

With totally frigid water ( and ps is already -40 outside ) and partially boiling hot water from their coffee machine . 

And then when it is " complete " your head is full of soap and dripping and itching all over as it is not rinsed 

And then to get more soap out the hair the assistant asks another hair assistant to help  her with the rubbing and bucket and by accident they pour the bucket of water all over your face and sweater 

Many clients in this same situation were deeply affected and swearing and crying as color stayed in too long and wrong color hair etc . It was chaos there 

(And ps this is a hugely upscale salon )

In my head I was choosing my reaction and pondering on it 

And I chose the be the light 

And to chose to forgive this mess 

The assistants all had different reactions to this situation which was very interesting to observe . Some were telling clients that they were walking out and quitting as they could not believe the salon was still taking clients with no hot water . Others were fetching coffee and tea hot water for their buckets . Others were giving extra long head massages to try and calm their clients down . Others just looked in shock 

My one was fairly neutral but helpful and professional enough 19 yr old girl  . When she poured the bucket of water on me she felt really bad 

And so I decided to give her a huge tip . She looked shocked . I doubt she was expecting any tip from anyone at all . And I looked this 19

Yrs old girl on the eye and took her hand and said "

You did the best you could . "It's not your fault and you handled this situation in the best way you could . Good for you . Hopefully this tip will give you the energy to keep on going "

And she looked at me ( the light ) totally bewildered and then had tears in her eyes that started dropping down her face and she smiled 

And I truly felt so good 

And like the light 

I felt like a million bucks 

And so did she 

So I never did have my fancy blow-dry given that I had to go home and shower anyways and rinse soap out of my hair . And I never did have that special dinner to look good for anyways 

But what I did have ? Was pride . In myself .

The only way to describe it - is that I felt intact . Within a bit of a crazy world ( aka trump )

And I bet she felt intact too . And shines upon . 

And I bet if I was religious Jesus would have been inpressed too l

(PS-I posted 3 new blogs all today . So if you want to read scroll down three times!)

TLK's Favorite Things

You know how Oprah writes about her favorite things? Well Tarina Lauren Kate (me!) is going to do the same thing 

Given that I just got back from 10 days of vacation. ... Given that I have a massive presentation  tomorrow that I need to prepare for... And given that this blog will allow me a few more cherished minutes of procrastination ... My blog won't be as good as Oprahs . Not even close 

It won't have pictures or even the proper names of the things. I just don't have time. It will simply be a list of what I like a lot lately.

Objects and things are not that important to me in general. I am not a “thing " type of person. Lately more and more I am realizing I am perhaps I am a little more than I thought. I am very attached to certain particular things usually that are super comfy or make me look good or are practical and save time. I like comfort and style. I alsos like to splurge every couple of years on a bonus gift for myself if I had a great work year and that's when I buy the brand name stuff that feel a little (alot!) indulgent.

So here is my (pretty useless but pretty fun) list 

1 - Lululemon maraschino wool grey track pants. Soulkeeper and I both got them last year Black Friday on the sale rack each and both wear them almost daily. I especially love them when over my workout clothes in the mornings. Last winter I lent them too my mom for 2 months to try and make her feel better as an act of love 

2 - My Hunter inserts socks for Hunter rain boots. Mine are black with faux fur and I use them as slippers. I adore them and my friend inspired me to use them this way when she visited at the cottage 

3 - Black and grey thin, stylish amazing cardigan wrap sweaters that I got in Vancouver at this funky store on a business trip. They go with anything and also roll up into a little ball in a small purse. They are cozy, stylish, warm and sweet. So glad I bought two!

4- A ring my husband bought me last year with a blue stone and silver setting. I wear it on right hand and love it. Last year I put it in a Jewellery cleaner and ruined it. I finally got to it this month and has it redone and only cost 20 dollars since not an expensive ring. Love it 

5- My new Joe  Fresh little winter coat from Loblaw’s that has a hood and can roll up into a pouch that doubles for a travel pillow on a plane. Love it. 2/3 kids are stealing it from me almost daily 

6- A new coat I found at love on sale that is soooooo awesome for winter for casual. So so gorgeous and comfy but was one size too small for me . I asked tailor to add a leather panel on both sides to make bigger and it is more than perfect now. And he is so cheap - was only 25 to do the alteration and coat was 100 (normally 300!!) I love a great and cozy deal 

6- I splurged last year and bought myself a Michael Kors knapsack for travel and work and the makeup case that goes with it. It is so beautiful. Even better that I got at 50 percent off since a friend was working there 

7- Bought a Coach work bag and Coach purse and Coach wallet all matching 2 yrs. ago and best thing I have ever done. Feel so good in them all 

8- My back pillow wedges ( have one for home and one for cottage ) for a person like me who has back and neck issues and loves to read and work in bed it is a lifesaver 

9- Coco. It's not mine but I bought it when Chase was born. He is almost 19 yrs old and sleeps with it every night. We have real coco and cottage coco as a backup. It a teddy bear face on a silky blanket and it is the cutest sweetest thing I have ever seen. He proudly displays is on his bed 

10- Our fleece sheets on both beds cottage and home 

11-My little flower earrings my mom bought me for bday in three different colours. Such an Ingrid Bergman classy look 

12- My neutrogena coloured lip balm with sunscreen 

13- My agenda. I have the perfect formula for me. Complex yet simple but perfect for my life 

14-My fleece cream shawl at cottage that I wrap around me when cold (can tell it's snowing here today!!)

15- So many of my bathing suit cover-ups. I love them and pretty much collect them

16- My no shoulder blow in the wind amazing photo black beach dress. I bought it in Turks and Caicos a few years back and it is perfect for beach photos with my fave cream and black headband 

17- Bagel cutters are pretty cool 

18 - I love my iPhone 6s 

19- my little  weird guys  with weird wild hair all over the house that you squeeze and says "  hope you have have a stress- free day today !! " 

20 - Michael Kors black high boots with zipper that never ever go out of style and that I get compliments on by strangers. Have bought two pairs now and have also changed the heels three times bc I wear them so much 

21-my laughing Buddha. Right beside my dad’s urn on the mantel piece (no ashes!!)

22- All my comfy beds, Bali beds, throw covers and pillows and good books 

23- My pillow. Bought in duplicate thank god as don't make them anymore. Also lent that to my mom to try and make her feel better as an act of love 

24- a brown and turquoise necklace I love with turquoise earrings that I wear on the beach 

25- Last but not least my two pairs of Gucci sunglasses that 6 yrs. ago we found in Italy for Mother's Day on our trip with Bear. Was a huge indulgence and splurge and 4 months later I lost one pair :(( I tried to repress it. 5 yrs. later ( last month !!! ) Soulkeeper’s daughter found them wedged under the car seat when she looked for the rock she dropped (a long story). Then put them on backseat and didn't mention and then Bear found them BC he was embarrassed of how dirty the car was and cleaned seat before his girlfriend sat on them!!!! I have my black classic Gucci Italian sunglasses back!!! Five years later!!!

That's it for now although I am sure I forgot lots of stuff. Themes here?

Comfort 

Cozy 

Style 

Like Brand names

Warmth 

Practicality 

Did I mention comfort?

That's all folks!!!

What Makes up a Best Day?

When I give seminars and workshops on life work integration or boundaries and balance - we often do an exercise called “Best Days and Worst Days”

 To me- it so important to know what actions, decisions and feelings are necessary to make a day stand out as extraordinary.

Today was a definite best day for me. I want to record and remember it.

Why was it the best?

We were all 5 together and had been more than 5 weeks we had not been at cottage together 

We actually had a Friday night together as of 9pm after hip hop and went to pick up Beauty for a Thai express dinner and fun drive to cottage with lots of cool conversations  (we never have Friday nights together)

We all slept in today 

We went door a great lunch at our old family cottage that we used to share and spent time with hubby’s sis and bro-in- law 

That cottage holds so many precious memories for our kids and each time they visit they run from room to room looking for new stuff that has changed. They talk about all their childhood memories. All the smells and the sounds. The nature, the lake, the furniture. All of it. Makes me feel that it was all so so worth it those weekends packing and unpacking with three little kids . Warms my heart to know they still get to visit and is part of their legacy of memories 

Us and our great extended family

Us at LDF but with kids taller than me!

Lunch at LDF was just so fun and simple and cottagy with our toast on the wood burning stove, the walk to the stream and the open space all together 

The happiness and closeness of all three kids. They don’t just like each other- they adore each other (on best days anyways!) Seeing them laugh on the sofa and hug and cuddle just like when they were little. Three little bears

One thing I can say about our kids -they are very affectionate and have never lost that with age. Beauty sometimes not but sometimes yes. She has always been showered with hugs and cuddles from her two brothers whether she likes it or not!

Cant believe he is almost 19! I remember him as a little tiny guy on this balcony in a diaper riding his red truck around and around

Seeing Hubby share Peru with his family. Seeing how interested and proud they were of him 

Feeling the closeness of my children. The inside jokes they share with me, the looks and smiles we share, the affection and understanding. Seeing what we have grown together 

The love of cottage life a shared passion for all 5 (well maybe 4 but she still likes it a lot but doesn’t dare admit it!)

The comments that both boys made that they felt sad that their adult cousins did not come to dinner weekly with their own parents. Making it clear to us they share the same visions of their futures as we do and staying close and connected on a weekly basis.(lets see id they actually stick to that!)

The great conversations in the car and the debates 

Not getting killed as we came an inch from running over a deer on the highway!

Getting to our own cottage and all sitting and reading or texting or blogging or watching movies by the big fire

We love our old cottage-but we love our new one too. Especially tonight when it looked like this on the lake!!!

Bear coming and declaring that he was going to be volunteering in medical clinic, hospitals or dentist clinics. Out of the blue. And asking me that moment to compose the emails with him to reach these opportunities 

Seeing how polite and kind and interesting all three kids are with other adults. And being so proud of how they have grown up. When with us they often don’t show this side-but with others adults it is clear as day 

Feeling like we did something right (as often we feel we did it all wrong) feeling like the way we raised our kids was good. And feeling good we didn’t impose things on them often, but that they still came to their own decisions about great stuff like being motivated in school and volunteering etc. . They are three good eggs 

And all of this made possible by?? No phones today at the cottage!!!!!

 This was a best day. Don’t come around too often but when they do I savor every single moment

(I need to post these one the same day I write them. Already it is Sunday evening less than 24 hrs later and it is not the best day anymore! Full of cleaning and organizing and tons of hard work and the kids are hyper and agitated and screaming and swearing all over the place!!!)

oh well it was great while it lasted:)

Emotional Vulnerability Rules!

You know how everyone says as you get older you get wiser too . It is really really so true .

I am still learning every single day and wiser than I have ever been . I can't even imagine how much wisdom older people have inside of them .

Life .. Truly is our biggest teacher 

The biggest lesson I have learnt over the years ? Be emotionally vulnerable with those you love . Be true . And most of all feel your feelings . The good the bad and the ugly . Don't just talk about them - feel them .

This may sound obvious to many but it wasn't for me . Has taken me years of deep therapy to get here and it feels so good . I have had professional therapy , and lots of informal therapy from many of my friends who are way more emotionally aware than I am . I have also opened up many other friends and colleagues and family with my new found skill and maybe inspired them to do the same .

Soulkeeper provides me some serious tough love and because of her I have grown as a wife , mother and friend . It feels so good .

It's so much more refreshing to lean in than to lean out in love . To communicate fully and be fully human . I have worked so hard to get here . So many years 

Pain demands to be felt 

If there is anything ( and I think most of us have many things ) that you feel is too hard for think  about or feel ... Run ( don't walk ) to your nearest professional or great friend and let it be felt . This is my absolute strongest advice and took me years to do myself ... 

I could talk about pain and problems endlessly . My problem was feeling them . 

Now I can do both 

I had a situation in the last few weeks that brought out rage in me . True rage . Usually rage is felt like sadness to me . Tears and sadness . As I sat on the chair and spoke to my beloved therapist yesterday  that I have not seen in two years there were no tears at all . They were gone . There was rage only and it felt good to express it without fear or judgement . 

Pain demands to be felt 

And the wiser we are the more we get this . I wish had not taken me 45 years 

Some things I think are pretty cool

"Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest. It's about who walked into your life and said "I'm here for you" and proved it."

Getting texts like this in the morning as I wake up from a friend . Felt so good to be there for her so intensely during and intense time for her . Made someone I knew pretty well and considered a friend into a forever friend 

 Doing a family photo shoot in the park in sept  fall weather Something that has been on my bucket list for years and finally made happen . So much work to coordinate outfits and get all 5 of us together during the day . We made it happen and we actually had a blast . It was so fun and we laughter and joked around and loved our photographer 

I am really loving ( some days of the week ) having young adults at home . I love the funny and curious texts Chase writes me .. I love driving Bear to the gym ( well he drives and I sit there ) .. I love watching Beauty wear her oversized clothes to hip hop and her new style emerge and her shy smile when she doesn't want us to see she is happy 

I think it is especially cool that the night before I can find all three of my kids highly irritating and have it out with them and the next day feel so close and bonded with them . Part of life and comes with the ups and downs I guess . I have a feeling that the next 5-7 yrs will be some of the best years as a family watching there process of emerging into adults ( if they live here with us which is not guaranteed at all !! ) . They will also be some of the most Challenging as a family as they display their independence and autonomy and play by their own rules - but I love watching them emerge 

I like sharing a home with young adults like chase . Where he goes to get groceries and not tell me because we need them .. Where he makes huge meals for " gains " where he has his own cegep life and we see eachother in the mornings as we all prepare for work . It is such a privilege to share this part of his life with him and get to watch him evolve daily and mature . With him and bear both I feel like we almost live in a commune now and share the work and the food and the life 

And then thankfully still have our baby girl to even it out a little ( although everyone thinks she is 18-20yrs old by her looks so not much of a baby girl anymore ! ) I like seeing chase discover he likes smoke meat and bear realize he likes working out at gym 9:30-10:30pm and beauty realize she can't stand her own room if it is messy and have a very set and continuous routine of making sure all is tidy 

I love watching all the seeds grow 

I love the texting relationships I share with many people in my lives . My friends and colleagues and my friends hubbies who are my friends too . It makes my day to have these  great texting ( and real life ) relationships 

Work . And where it can go if I want it to . Transformation and the ability to be constantly changing . Work and what I know the future hold for me . Making my highest contribution in the world and realizing my full potential . Knowing it is always up to only be

My mom and sharing life with her so closely and intimately . It has all been so hard so much of the time but I am so glad I am by her side and she is beside mine . Yesterday a random woman in a restaurant came up to our table and commented on our relationship with tears in her eyes missing her own mom . She was saying what we have is so precious . Don't I know it ...