I am A Writer

(written 1.5 weeks ago)

It's no coincidence I bet that yesterday I really got into some serious planning of my next book with an editor 

It's no coincidence that the week I had a massive talk with my mom about my life where I had the courage to discuss and ask questions about my childhood and adolescence that weighed heavily on my mind .

It's no coincidence that the week I went to a therapist I had not seen in 2 yrs for one session and poured my heart out on a very specific trait about myself I don't like to think about , don't like to admit and have not talked about to anyone before.. And want to change 

It's no coincidence that I reached out to an important person in my life that has kinda left over the years with no ryhme or reason over the years and whom I miss and I confronted this week and they got back to me finally with a time to speak 

All of these " coincidences " within the same few days ended me up in the middle of the day by the lake on a bench where we scattered my dads ashes 6 yrs ago looking out to the water and sky as I often do . Writing . Writing my next book .

As I said in my eulogy to my dad which may have been one of the hardest things I have done to my life to date - giving his life beauty and meaning while at the same time openly admitting that he and I had a very difficult relationship for many many years and that I had basically abandoned him for at least 5 of them.

I ended this heartfelt , complex , sad and beautiful eulogy with the words . 

" It is now time to put pen to paper and allow music in my heart "

And I have slowly .. And surely .

Yesterday at the lake - it all came together . I accepted and realized that yes ... I am a writer .

 I am already a published author . But this next book ? It's mine completely mine .

It may be the first time in my life that I do work that is really really really hard . It's no low lying fruit I tell you to write your own book . With no clue or care about the outcome . No goal of achievement really ( although we all know I have big plans for it but is not the main driver of writing it )

It could even be considered one of the first times I feel completely passionate about something I am doing for work . That may sound Surprising given I have an amazing career and do extremely well and do so much of what I love in my career ? Trust me it's Surprising to me too . I love my work a ton on so many ways . More than many ways . I adore it .

But this writing ? This is what passion feels like . ( I guess as not sure I have ever felt it ! ) it's a bit of an obsession , combined with adrenaline . It's waking up early with thoughts swirling in my mind all around , it's planning out my day in accordance of 30 mins I get to write , and it's feeling a deep satisfaction within my soul for no apparent reason ; it's doing something I love without much rhyme or reason and not too much of a plan ; its knowing I have words to get out of me without understanding why ; it the feeling of doing something in the grey vs within black and white . It is the feeling of even going a bit crazy actually. 

It's Whatever and Whenever 

It's finally .. Finally . Feeling free 

And most importantly feeling free to  identify with being a writer .( anong many other things ! ) 

And feel the thoughts  my dad might have  felt as a writer too . And to allow his ashes back into my heart in small and simple ways . To allow myself to identify with him in tiny ways; to identify as his daughter and not only my mom's girl. It's opening my heart up to the possibility that I had two parents who raised me and letting those feelings and possibilities flow through my veins.

Only because I am free now. I felt and I spoke.

By the lake 

A Really Special Mothers Day

Last year was a bit of a mess  ( a lot !!! ) on Mother's Day and I wrote about it on my blog . I had my mom up at cottage and in the morning the kids were just really not attentive to the specialness of the occasion and very dismissive .  It was extremely rude and hurtful as my mom and I always put so much emphasis on their special occasions .My mom and I were insulted and walked out of the house angry and went out for breakfast the two of us ! We came back to a big apology sign on the door and many tears - but it upset us a lot . And those kids learned a lesson I assure you !!!!

This Mother's Day was the complete opposite . Like by far the nicest one I ever had .

Beautiful cards from each that took time to make and attention with beautiful heartfelt messages . Each kid gave me a wonderful gift that was so carefully chosen and Beauty made me a playlist too and wrote out all the songs by hand for my moods of the day . Was so extremely sweet !

And then my card from hubby had a bike on it and told me to go to garage and he bought me an electric bike !  I am thrilled as the plan this season is to do some major kayaking and biking but my issue is biking up hills so always makes me say no to the trails . This way I can use as a normal excercise bike most the time but with the hills use there motor . I am super excited and had asked for this but didn't think I would get it and so happy I did !

And a beautiful book of all the things they love about me that the three kids filled in . I bought that one for myself . Reading the things they said though was extremely fun . I gave the same book to my mom . Made us both feel good to be celebrated like that and love for us articulated . Made it feel all worth it 

We went for a walk at the lake my mom and I while the rest cooked us dinner . Delicious and such a long and relaxing evening too . Love those kind of slow and relaxed nights .

And this weekend went with hubby two of us for a short overnight at cottage . Stopped for lunch , shopped for shoes, watched a great movie , had a quiet dinner , walked in the rain with lunch out again and read . Romantic and fun and just what we needed after weeks of not being at our fave part of the world : TRENT . It rained all weekend but I truly could not care less - weather does not matter anymore as long as I am at that cottage !

Was a perfect Mother's Day and so happy our kids learnt to underline the occasion in that special way . I even got texts from their friends and girlffiend and boyfriend . It was really really special .

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in the world . Those with kids , those who nurture other people's kids , those who are moms to be , Daughters of moms and everyone else who has mom qualities 

Warm and Fuzzy Feeling

I have never been a fan of this expression of warm and fuzzy. It's weird 

Last night though there was no other way to describe the scenes in front of me and how they made me feel. It was simply - warm and fuzzy in my heart :)

We hosted a late Easter celebration at our house with Hubby’s side of the family with little kids. And for the first time we invited our kid’s boyfriend and girlfriend and friend to join in a family holiday.

And it was amazing 

Beauty brought Simon (yup she has a boyfriend for 4 months now at her tender age of 15)

Bear brought Catherine. Second time we have met her now 

Chase brought his friend Mathieu (aka our adopted son since forever!! )

We did an easter hunt for the little kids that my  mom graciously stuffed all the eggs for and Catherine and Bear his them all around the house. Then we did an Easter hunt for the teens. 

We are yummy food and played a great game all together. Simon and Catherine played piano for us. We played basketball outside between rain showers. We watched all our little great nieces and nephews be kids and be adorable.

Simon is great. He and beauty so cute together and he is so good to her. They adore eachother. Such a kind and gentle and respectful and handsome guy. And beautiful piano player. It was fun to see him with our boys too 

Ignore Chase glasses -its a joke 

Catherine. Smart... Beautiful. Kind. Funny. Everything. Her and Bear are a great match. And she made us delicious cookies too! Great girl and can see that she and I will get along very very well!

What I loved most about this evening was seeing the future. The future ahead of us with our table big and extended and people around us. Our kids as young adults - discovering themselves and their partners and what they want to be in life and with whom. 

I hold it is my highest privilege and honour that we get to be part of this and have it as part of my life.

These years are so incredibly precious to us. Watching them. Learning from them.

Getting to be part of it all 

Lately I have been thinking of an analogy to describe how I am feeling about my kids staying home throughout university years vs moving away in those years. I think about this often as Chase is at that age now and also I have close family and friends in the USA where this is much more expected and customary for kids to leave home at this age. Here in Quebec it is the opposite - kids generally live with their parents until finish undergraduate degree and maybe even master’s degree when applicable 

So I hear many differing stories and opinions and ways of doing things and make me think a lot about my own preferences. Mine shift a lot as hard to have a 19.5 yr. old at home and comes with many pros and cons on any given day of the week. Sometimes I love it and sometimes it makes me go crazy 

But above all the most things I like about it are the family times together. Often. Regularly. Knowing their friends and partners intimately. Having them come in our room almost nightly and share their lives. It trumps all the inconvenience and pros for us 

My analogy is being an Entrepreneur. There are so many things I miss about working in a big corporate Pharma company. So many things. What trumps is all is flexibility in my schedule now all the time. No matter what - that HUGE advantage tops it all off for sure. It makes it all worth it to be an entrepreneur and get to decide whatever I want when I want 

So that's how I feel about Chase staying here in university (for today anyways!) is that we want it. Really badly. Much more than any other aspect . We want all of them to stay home I think (I think!) as I can't even imagine having missed last night and the feelings that come with it all. It trumps everything for me 

And this morning hubby woke up and he said " wasn't that the very best evening?? " and every part of me agreed 

It was worth all the prep and all the work and all the staying home form the cottage. It was worth the entire cleanup and all the chaos. It was worth it all.

Family time with our little family and out larger extended family is where it is at in my heart right now. It's what I have always wanted. I may be big into career right now - maybe always. I may not be domestic or do dishes or feel the need to cook, but my heart has always been and will always be at home. With my beautiful family .

And this week with Chase studying like crazy for finals and home a lot and me working at home a lot each in our cozy chairs side by side in the living room and then taking breaks for snack and lunch and chats? (and laughing and planning about so many things in his life) …I feel this week like the luckiest Mom alive. It's a damn hard, complex but oh so beautiful and fun stage.

PS -wrote two blogs today so scroll down)

A New Driver in the House !

Look who is driving a car alone now !! Bear ! 

After a year of learners permit with having to have us in the car - last night he drove his dad home from  the test and proudly took off to his BFF house and then his girlfriend's house .

So proud of him !

As a special gift tomorrow I am letting him use my car all day and evening and he is taking it to school and then to a baseball game at night as no school the next day .

And the fights will begin as of this weekend between the boys as Chase  is used to using one of our cars when it is available and now that time will be cut in half of course . Will be interesting to watch play out and especially  since boys know that if they can't find an effective way to collaborate around the privileges of the car when it is available some evenings and weekends - then neither will have the privilege at all !

For now crossing fingers and hoping for the best ! Yay bear ! Soooo proud of you !

One more driver in the house to do errands !! (And one more to worry about more !)

Congrats Bear !

Insert Green Here

I teach a lot of courses on communication skills . And without getting into the model here - I lack green in my own profile and green is collaborative and consensus etc . I have some but not enough in my opinion 

One of the massive benefits of my career and role is that I am constantly learning . Constantly on hundreds of subjects I can - and do - apply to my own professional and personal life .

So for many reasons lately I am trying to up my green . Especially with my family . I am even attending a course for 10 weeks on Mondays evenings with this objective specifically in mind .

So it has been a week now of adapting and connecting . And I already feel great . Honestly I love being more green ! ( and ps this has nothing to do with recycling ! ) each day and each moment I challenge myself to see , act ; communicate and think differently than my usual style and then analyze what the results yield .

So far I am impressed . A lot more relaxing for me and I think my kids really feel it too .I am excited to continue this and do more and more . And this is far from easy or natural for me .

I think I needed to be so " red" ( explanations another day when I have more energy ) for so many years to accomplish what I have with my career and family and to get to this point . That being said its time to adapt and connect and try out something new .

I don't know if it is pure coincidence or not but the last 5 days Chase has been a different person . For the last few months I have found him very hard to be around , he is going through a tough phase . The last 5 days he is a dream . Constantly comes and talks to his dad and I , jokes with us , laughs , shares his life, involves us in big decisions and respects our input and opinions . I went from wishing he would leave for summer job and possibly move out to University - to both his dad and I praying he will stay and also stay home for another job this summer ! 

I actually do think this is a dream . Pls don't wake me up ?

Beauty too is a bit of a dream last few weeks . Just so sweet .

Bear ? Well he is kinda always a bit of a dream ( well when he is not being a stubborn hard headed nightmare that is ! )

Most of all ? I just feel proud that I am even considering connecting and adapting . I can't believe I am open to this and making some changes . It feels damn good I must say .

One thing I have learnt about myself in life is that I want to be in constant motion and adapting mode . I want to always achieve more and be better . I don't accept that  this is just the way I am  or that  I did my best  . All of these things are true for sure but I see life as an opportunity to get it right and to change and adapt along the way so that I can always live into the best version of myself 

And my thinking has changed lately in that it is not only what I consider the best version of myself but the version that my family thinks is also best for them . I can do that .. And I will do that 

For them . And for me 

Life is a beautiful opportunity to get it right .

Namaste universe !