Lessons I Learnt Today

I so do not want to write a blog right now . 

The only reason I am is because it is January 31 and there is a big sale on  blog books and my husband prints one every year for valentines and reminds me constantly that  my Jan 31 closing blog better be good and meaningful 

So I always listen to  what is asked of me . As usually I am the asker .

Secondly- there  is a lesson so big today that I have learnt - that as depressed as I am right now I know I have to write it down before it disappears 

My lesson ? Surrender . Surrender . Surrender . And accept that you don't have control over SHIT girl ( but ps thanks for 45 years of trying )

The only thing you have control over is you reaction , your perspective , what you do with its all and your grace .

No amount of wishing , praying and negotiating will change an outcome of what is . Your actions are extremely important and your choices -that is for certain -but in the end all you have control over is how gracefully you can accept what is or overcome it . And that choice ? Will never be taken away from you . You are the boss of your brain 

Today Beauty went for what we were almost positive was her last Shriners hospital appt . Sure she will have them yearly in her life but not the heart racing , sweat inducing sit on your chair type anymore . She was supposed to be out of brace 6 months ago and since grew 1.1mm (  you read right not cm .. mm ) she had to wear it for 6 more months . After 28, 300 hrs of wearing a brace - 6 months was an eternity for her 

But she did it .

And this was supposed to be just a routine check up to confirm no more growth - and to confirm brace off .

I knew the second I saw the surgeons face that this was not the case . She had stopped growing as predicated but her curve shot up to 43 degrees from 37 degrees which is completely unexpected at end of growth placing her in the .00001  percent of scoliosis curves that continue to progress at a rapid rate beyond end of growth and a case that will need to be closely monitored yearly for the rest of her life 

And of course - a possible candidate for spinal fusion surgery . A surgery we have done everything to avoid for three years and which was 6 months ago declared only a slight possibility will be back on the table for years to come as a possibility 

So there we go .

So no brace ? Excellent news ? 43 degrees and 5 degree worsening in 6 months end of growth ? Not so much .

Since Jan 9 2017 - the day I got back from a wonderful amazing relaxing cottage Xmas vacation my whole word has turned upside down . Without explaining it all lets just say that my husband has a critical health issue that we thought he was out of the woods of  and it not . It has been hard , dramatic , has taken every ounce of strength and energy out of both of us over the last three weeks to get through this . 

I will write about it one day . That is for sure as it is a massive part of who I am right now and what are family is going through .

And my mom found out 2 weeks ago that she is having a very important major surgery next week completely unrelated to any of her other massive  daily health issues . She will have a tumour removed from  her neck which will leave a huge scar and have very important risks which I don't want to write on this blog as my kids read it . Never mind that this all could increase her already daily post concussion  headaches and pain which she deals with daily for three plus years .

I will be taking care of her as her only child 

Today when we did not have the news we expected -I felt myself slither into a dark dark hole with what felt like no room to come up for air . I felt hopeless and helpless . Which I am .

I also heard a whisper far off in my head somewhere that asked  me to live the lesson vs just hearing it logically . That there is a lesson in life I need to learn and that today was the day I would fully fully learn it and embrace it's very inconvenient truth 

And it wasn't a whisper about just Beauty's situation .. It was a whisper about my marriage , my husband , my mothers bad health and upcoming surgery .It was a whisper about my life and everyone else's life around me. 

And it Said : 

Surrender to what it . 

Life will be the author of it's own story

Accepting it all is the only way 

Stop trying to fix it 

It is not yours to fix 

Faith is a great feeling-but not reality as we all know in our hearts

Bad things happen to good people

Surrender

I have always known this . I have come so far with this over so many years , one baby step at a time . Slowly but surely . But today I knew for sure - that life will happen as it wishes to play out . 

For everyone . And for me . 

I lost a lot of faith over the last few weeks . But I gained a lot of perspective and maturity .  I grew up more in these three weeks than I have in a lifetime.

Hopefully in  full surrender I will find full freedom too .

The Scar is Starting to Heal

I have a scar on my body- very tiny that i got a year ago. Over the last year it remains and won't fade. Its presence bothers me . Yesterday i noticed it is starting to heal and fade.

I guess time really does heal . I will always have that scar - but it has faded.

I feel like that is the story of my life . Hurt and healing. Scar and fading . I have always said that this blog is where i share it all . The good and bad and all in between , but if i am honest i dont share everything . Not even close . Mostly for privacy and respect of others, but also for myself too. Just like my scar- i am not fully there yet . I know i will be one day... but its not today

I want to talk about my daughter today. That has been another scar in so many ways. A joy scar. So much pain between she and i in the past for so many years. So much love and pride , so different than the experiences i have had with her two brothers at the same ages where there was so much open communication and whose adolescences thus far have been smooth sailing.

I have worked tirelessly on my relationship with my daughter . So has she in so many ways . In the last year i have seen so many changes , in the last months so much more , in the last weeks i have never gained so much respect for a human being, and in the last days it just all feels so familiar and " normal" teenage eye rolling vs alienation
I have craved that for so long. No promises it will all stay but i have seen it - i have seen HER .

And ? I am completely smitten

I am overflowing with love
For her courage on jan 9 2017 for hours and hours
For her talking and laughing at the table with her family
For the inside jokes she shares with her brothers
For all the expensive clothes she  works for and saves up for and buys herself
For her brothers borrowing all their sisters clothes
For her commitment to hip hop and the fact that she refuses to miss an hour ever
For her recent desire and passion to become a lawyer as a career
For her passion for the homeless and less fortunate
For all the volunteering  she does this winter every weekend
For her getting called this morning to over as a paid ski instructor because of her hard work !
For her sweet love of the boys she loves
For her sharing that sweet love with me
For her realizing her own power and capability on jan 9 2017
For all of us around her realizing it to
For her ability to set us all free
To set herself free


My profound love and respect my darling girl . I am so very sorry that it has taken so long to get here . I am so sorry that you may or may not have been used as scapegoat for bigger problem saving nothing to do with you . I hope things stay in the way they have been the last few weeks and built on that deep foundation. I love you fiercely and forever

I can't wish you Happy Birthday this year

Some birthdays are better than others . 

Some are a wonderful

Others are desperately hard

Some are painfully hard yet have moments of ridiculously beautiful all mixed in one

Was such a break to have the beautiful time for those few hrs 
To just forget and be together

2017 can only get better at this point..... At least that is a comfort

We all have our story

Declaring your TRUST is not a guarantee that everything will work out the way you want however the fact that you actually declare your TRUST means from this moment forward (  try your very hardest ) to forgive you for any wrong doing in the past, and trust you going forward. 

The other person now has to step into your TRUST as well and be who he or she needs to be and do what he  or she needs to do to honor that privilege of TRUST that you bestowed him or her 

To say you are partners in life and having never given your TRUST means something was missing to elevate the relationship to a TRUSTED PARTNERSHIP.

It is risky business to TRUST anyone let alone someone who has violated your TRUST. By declaring your TRUST he or she he now has to confront where he or she does not TRUST himself and build that up for himself or herself 

It is unquestionably painful and the easiest thing is to make him  or her and less than a real whole person and walk the hell away. (which is what most people do) That is one option. If that moves, touches and inspires you and then do that however it is past based as are all options.

To create a new context for your relationship starting with the love you already have - plus TRUST- then another future is possible to emerge that your other  options would never make possible

Robert Shereck (probably the smartest kindest person on earth- that I get to be nutured by)

Legacy Transformation

It is one thing to declare tour trust . But to do it in front of your children?

It is  is a whole other ballgame 

Many couples doesn't ever get that " opportunity "

They don't need it 

Or want it 

I guess we are lucky?Is this what luck feels like?

these three are our pride and joy

Happy birthday 

This is Us

Voices. Getting Louder

I have always heard the expression of " listen carefully to the little whispers in your head and life"

And i have very largely ignored my whispers most of my life
I have even ignored the wise speeches about how important the whispering is in life

Especially as it relates to career and my passion around it ( or lack of passion in some cases )
I have ignored who i fundamentally am in many ways in order to be what i feel is right or needed and feels good

Lately there is a lot of whispering going on in my head . A lot
Its almost shouting at me
I am excited to clue myself in
To listen
To listen to the side of my brain that is not rational
And let it lead me to other places
The places where they whisper
A whole new place for me

Shame

I have no makeup and i pulled my daughters hair

Not every day is good
Yesterday was not even close to good or normal

I got fed up of having forgotten my makeup at home for now close to 2 weeks . Aggravated . Annoyed. Seemed like a big problem at the time

Completely unrelated and much worse is that beauty and i had an outrageous blowout. And i led it . Every profanity came out of my mouth imaginable . And i pulled her hair many times and she was even left with a scratch on her forehead

I have never ever had this  type of interaction with her or resorted to this completely unacceptable behaviour on my part. We were both in complete shock. Literally

It was the finale to a long history of  years of accumulated rage inside of me as to the way she treats me so continually and other members of our family . I lost it and it scared the hell out of me and her


I can never take it back . Will be engrained in her forever . It really shook her up. Who knows where it will lead . Very likely to positive things  as she was so scared ans will maybe  change the behaviour but that is not at all the point . It was wrong and i knew it and she knew it and i felt sick all day with shame. I may never recover

Just saying its not always all peachy for this " extraordinary " mom . Not at all
And the only solace i have in this is that i have the chance to be authentic and admit it here and keep it real for you

In the morning i felt like having no makeup was a big problem
By the end of the day i could not care less

My Word of 2017

Is ...

Extraordinary 

It was chrystal clear for me in the last few months that this is what it was to be . 

Extraordinary both personally and professionally . And the definition for my life is probably very  very different for what it might mean for your life . Which is fine because it is my word of 2017 .

Extraordinary to me at this phase of my life means especially professionally accessing my full passion and my full potential career wise .

I have not yet ever done this 

And it was a very concious decison 

I held back

I protected my life 

And i have not one ounce of regret 

And i did and am doing great things in my career and have always climbed the ladder and been successful

But nowhere nearly of what i am capable of 

I have always hid my talent in many ways

To be able to be the type of mother and wife and daughter and friend i want to be 

And it worked well . I have been able to have it all on alot of levels . 

Have led a very  healthy and balanced life 

I am naturally better at career than being a mom so i needed to work harder at being a mom .

I think i am where i need to be now as a mom  . Hallelujah! Only took 19 yrs of laser focus ! I think i am also where i want to be as a wife . Only took 20 years ! (Ok ok so maybe i am not as fast as some on that area )

Its time to come out of my career closet . What will it mean ? I have no idea yet but it will happen in 2017 . I will likely keep much of what i am already doing as i love most of it and it has been very profitable . But 25%  at least of what i do will change and be accessed in myself in a way it has never been before. 

It will be super extraordinary. I totally can't  wait to meet extraordinary . And its going to add a whole new layer of goodness to my life. My feeling is by 2018 i wont even be able to believe it 

When I want something i make it happen

I want this . I need this 

And family wise - it seems crazy to say this but overall i actually feel peaceful! And often in the moment ! And a good mom ! And a good wife ! Far far from perfect. I rage alot and nag alot and over dramatize alot. But i have come sooooooooooo incredibly far . With so much deliberate focus and attention to it . 

I feel like i can focus on other things now - finally . 

I did it all for so many years the career and mom thing . High up on the family ladder and  high up in corporate latter .Its not an easy task

Now i am on safe secure and equal ground . My feet are firmly planted . My garden is watered. 

I get to choose now . I have earned that right . I deserve it . Its mine 

I have become extraordinary in my family and my goal is to keep it going always . And again my extraordinary in many was might seem like your basic and in other ways be even be more than extraordinary to you . In some ways as a family person i am a complete failure and in other ways i am a huge success . It depends who is watching and judging it . It depends from what place they are watching from and where they are at themselves 

Some may look at my typos in this blog and grammatical errors and lack of punctuation and capital letters as failure 

I see it as extraordinary. As dont let good me the enemy of great . I am doing it yet have no time so this is my compromise for me . What may piss you off and make you judge me might be my form of being extraordinary. Ever consider that ?

From my place - i am becoming my own form of extraordinary and my goal is to do this more and more often . And to never take it for granted as has taken me years if hard work to achieve it . I wAnt to keep it going .

And career wise nobody knows what i am capable of . Even me 

I am meant to soar in career

Most people assume i already do 

But i am not fully there yet

Its time 

Its MY time for the first time ever

Being free makes it possible to be extraordinary 

I have never been free 

Until now 

I have fought for it and earned it 

Singlehandly

I feel peaceful and courageous and ready to take on my life 

My successes and my failures

To forgive and forget 

To leave the child at the door and become the woman I have always been destined to be 

Could be a touch i have never given, or the letter i have never written , or the conversation i have never had.  Could be admitting the truth to myself or others, could be letting in or letting go . Could be facing up to the weak and selfish parts of myself or celebrating my integrity and authenticity. Could be having a radio and tv show and writing a best selling book. Could be cooking more and eating less . Could be caring more on some areas and caring less in others . Could be taking more risks with my heart but feeling less pain . Could be me contributing in a way i have not done before to the world. Could be me being famous and travelling all over the world . Could be me doing something nobody has ever done before . Could be a simple hug or heartbeat , things i let go or let in . Could be forgivenss for someone who doesnt deserve it all all or admitting i have been cruel . Could be leading someone or being led .

Its time to share my secrets 

Thats what i know for sure 

2017 is just the beginning for me 

I am ready to be what i have always deserved to be 

From where i have stood - where i am standing and where i will stand one day ......

For me i will live into extraordinary in a way that has never been accessible to me before this moment 

Its my time .

In January 2017 i am giving myself five complete creative days at the cottage just me myself and I to figure it all out . Five days of uninterrupted luscious hard soul searching days in the snow to figure out exactly what extraordinary means in my life 

How to become it 

How to live it 

And how to make it mine 

Its time to share my extraordinary with the world 

Its time to admit to myself ...

To access in myself ...

That i have extraordinary in me 

Me R