Baptism by Fire

I just wrote an amazing blog. Probably one of my best. I was about to post it and all the sudden by some technological nightmare. Pouf! Gone!

Ironically a bit like the life I have always known. The disappearance of this blog today is no different than what I have been living the last week and a half.

I have been baptized by fire. Into a whole new world. Whether I like it or not.

And I can choose to sit here and painfully re-write three pages of a blog that was magnificent and let all my concerned readers know where I am at-or I can move onto plan B which will be a few short words about the state of my current disaster.

I chose plan B.

(I actually chose plan C which barely says anything at all).

What did you do in situations like this?

You live them.

So she will go to Coast Rica next Friday for 10 days on her dream vacation that doesn’t feel like such a dream anymore, where her heart is not even mildly into it.

She will have her long awaited book published in London and all over Amazon and many other forums net week or the next. Instead of dancing from the rooftops as expected “More life, Please!” will exist on its own for a couple of weeks.

And then she will return.

With fire in her belly.

It is so.

And she will get her act together.

And she will outdo anything she ever thought possible and completely explore her potential which she and everyone around her have no doubt that she possess.

It is so.

And she? She? Will Kick Ass in her career that she will plan and execute. 5 yrs. earlier than she ever wanted to-which really really pisses her off.

She will get over her feeling of being lost, and alienation and sadness and melancholy and standing alone and being separate. She will get over her trust issues and everything else that a career loss after 11 yrs. does to a person.

And she will come back. To herself. And take this to the next level.

Of course she will. She has had more than enough practice in the areas of resilience and coping-life has ensured that for this girl. Lucky her? And for anyone who loses a career out there, it is traumatic on so many levels. But not even comparable to the threatened state of your daughters health, your mom’s health your marriage and your husband’s health simultaneously. This lucky girl gets to experience all of them. Every single one. Yay?

I guess 2014 set me up for 2015?

And I feel it is high time I am given a little break-don’t you think? I can feel it……life has some pretty awesome plans in store for me upcoming after I get over this crisis. I am pretty secretly excited on some small hidden level to take it all on. I feel I am so deserving . I feel like life really owes me this. I truly do.

Just you watch me succeed in ways that are unimaginable 
You just watch me provide this world with some ridiculous value

This I know for sure.

When Weekends are Week Ends No More

I always knew one day I would write a blog named this.

I had it all planned out neatly in a compartment of my life and brain. My daughter would be 17 yrs. old, my eldest son would probably be moving out, I would have energy and fire in me, and I would be ready and excited and willing to take on the career future that would make me rich.

I had a plan.

Life had other plans for me.

I was made aware on Wednesday at 11am that my position no longer existed at the large Global Pharmaceutical compnay I work for where I have held management and leadership roles over the last 11 yrs. I along with approx. 43 others Associates were laid off as part of a large head office corporate restructuring. Friday was my last day.

And all the sudden everything I ever knew-everything I ever was-feels gone.

Today I think it hit me the most as I walked zombie like all day through my daughters ski competition where I was forced to volenteer all day due to a prior commitment that was not fair to break. I functioned but I felt almost dead inside, almost not part of the living as I watched people around me talk and laugh and chat.

I sat on the sidelines of a life that used to be mine.

I now sit alone.

I am grieving. This I know for sure.

And like any huge unexpected stage and change in life I will go through all the stages before I can make sense of this, accept it, and feel alive again and well. Losing a career like mine is no piece of cake; it feels like someone just took the rug beneath my feet and ripped it from under them. If there is no carpet, and it is pulled so quickly what happens? Do I fall? Do I stand on the hardwood floor? Do I faint? Do I get back up?

I can honestly say that over the last 72 hrs I have felt every single emotion possible in the world. Deep and truly. And I have been awake the 72 hrs to feel them one by one. I went to my office at 3:45 am just to give myself the time to exit the right way, to make sure I had that time-to do it in a way that belonged to me and made me proud. And to do that along with cleaning our my office, wrapping up my files, doing a proper knowledge transfer and hugging more than 80 people who personally came to hug me, cry, express their gratitude, sadness and share with me how I had made a difference in their lives. I knew that if I wanted to do it all, I needed to be there all night. And so I did.

Laser focus. My personal brand

And so it was. High high emotion, anger, gratitude, sadness, excitement, confrontation, authenticity, goodbyes, hellos, truths, lies, confidence, humiliation, grief, hope, wonder, regrets,.

It was so.

I will never ever be able to accurately explain what happened in those two days. I know I never will. I lived so fully would be the only way I could describe it. And I accessed in those around me so many profound things-so many profound emotions. I honestly think at least a dozen people are transformed due to that day. I had an impact.

We made it count.

Together. At at time that I have never felt so separate I was able to still be the team.

I have never felt as complete as I did in the 2 days.

And have never ever felt as incomplete.

And I can honestly say I had never predicated I could be so authentic and so full of grace in a situation that could have brought me to my knees

Trust the Process. Trust Him. I kept repeating and repeating in my head.

And in the end I did trust

And in the end I did write heartfelt emails from the bottom of my heart, I accepted the kindness, I accepted the love and admiration, I accepted the absurdity of the situation that I was the one  comforting so many crying people in and out of my office for 48 hrs without barely a moment to myself to transfer files because they kept pouring in. The irony of how many people were grieving my departure when it was the who made the choice. They did this to me.

I accepted that although it was goodbye-it was also hello.

I allowed myself to live fully

I allowed myself to grieve fully

With them and in front of them

As I gave back my company property and turned my key for the final time in my door, I felt so much. As all the boxes got transported into the minivan my husband brought to help me-I left the beloved building for my final time as an employee. However I knew deep deep deep in my heart it was not a final goodbye. There is yet to come and a path and partnership to discover. If I want it-it is there for my taking .It is mine.

Since Jan 1 2014 so much has happened. The kids  made a list in the car last night  to just address the irony  and absurdity of it all. Instead of crying sometimes laughter is the best medicine. (and of course in between all these big things-all the other normal stressful things happened: financial worries, eyebrows falling out, illness, failing exams, having three teens drive us carry, etc..etc..etc..)

-Get big new promotion

-Major personal upheaval with Hubby that will remain private but changed the entire course of both our lives and lasted a full 13 months and will be part of us forever and ever and go on really forever

-Mom (my most beloved) brain injury that she is still deeply suffering from 18 months later

-Daughter diagnosed with scoliosis and in brace 20 hrs a day for 3 yrs. and spinal fusion was a question mark until last moth less probable.

-Robbery

-Beauty’s car accident

-Hubby waking up and falling unconcious and ambulance

-Going to court

-Being laid off from a major career at a major global pharmaceautifl campnay after 11 yrs.

-Fire

Yes you read it all right. You did. And yes we are still alive. All of these above happened in the last 15 months-and most if the sequentially within a few days of eachother wih no recovery time in between. Last night after leaving my office, getting in the car with my husband, driving home with boxes and boxes in our truck of the last 11 yrsr of my life, I got home and went to bed. I wrapped myself in flannel pjs and sheets and closed my eyes to feel and to cry.

To grieve. To sleep after 48 hours of hell. We both closed our eyes and my husband leaned into hold his broken wife

“Fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Bear

And we ran down and the  stove and some of our kitchen was on fire. We got it put out after about 10 mins. And what did we do then?

We went back to bed. We ate our dinner at the kitchen table with the house reeking of smoke, we left all the dishes undone, the walls and plates and cups full of black asks, the house filled with aftermaths  of fire.

And we drove away. To our place of escape. To the cottage.It has honestly juts been too much.

There will be time to clean up the mess like we always do-but it is not for now. In between all the sadness, and chaos and the crazy hands life has dealt us:

We chose to live.

And we will.

And I will.

We have one of the closet families I know. We get to have this. Isn't this what matters most?

I somehow have the hope that after all the obstacles life has laid before us in such a short time that soon it will be our turn for good things, great things to happen. Sometimes I have a vision of just somebody/anybody/an angel giving me a gift, or a break, and saying “Hey you know what-this is a great and golden opportunity for you and it will make your life a bit easier-here is an opportunity that I give you because a good  girl like you doesn’t deserve all of this” I have a vision of an angel juts taking care of me for once instead of me taking care of everyone else. Of letting life be easier for a bit.

And I will accept all of these blessings with open arms and gratitude knowing we have by far earned them in every sense of the word. I will accept any blessing that is offered to me. I am and will continue to patiently be waiting for our turn to be OK.More than OK.

I was laid off. And I  know I won’t let this destroy me. But right now it is hard to believe it won’t.

It’s hard to believe that weekends will ever feel the same and as luscious and indulgent and lovely……..when during the weekdays I won’t be going into the place where I worked my ass off  with the goal of  earning and appreciating the weekends that I deserved and cherished.

Mondays will never be the same.

And I will need to accept and live that fact.

Tasty Life

I adore weekends. I adore the week too for many reasons-but there is something just awesome about a weekend to charge your batteries and energize you around the people you love and get you back in the mental place you need to be for  another big work week.

Both are needed to make the other special. Weekends are special because the career week is so demanding and weeks are needed as given too much time off with family or for hobbies it is not even a fraction as appreciated.

I did not have a fabulous week. At all.

By Friday night I was burnt and was really contemplating not even going to the cottage at our usual 9:30 pm (early as usually it is 11pm!). But Chase has a job and both  he and his parents have massive work ethic. We packed and went.

We stopped for a late dinner at McDonalds at 10:15 pm . The five of us all exhausted and spent from our weeks and our day. And we had a blast!!! We laughed soooo much and wrestled over Easter Egg McFlurries..Hubby ended back in line three times to get more and everyone was looking at us wondering if we were all drunk (we were not!) It was crazy and silly and fun and just turned my mood right around. I just adore this family and the older they get the more fun it becomes.

Over dinner we all had a long discussion about the fact that Chase makes 11$  an hour and although at the ski hill for 8 hrs often only has 1-3 hrs so work and so he can make as little as 11 dollars or as much as 33$. And then he usually spends it right after the hill on Tim Hortons or a sandwich or a poutine! The irony! He admitted that he thinks in terms of hours worked now when he spends money vs in terms of cash..it was fun to hear him articulate it like that.  And then he said something that will stick with me.

“Life just have so many tasty things!”

Ain’t that true childJ

And I love the way you see it

And I adamantly agree.

So damn tasty life can be.

And this kid impresses me to no end. Second letter of acceptance to CEGEP yesterday in his first choice programJ two down and one left to go. And his grandma said she saw him in the village yesterday while he was getting his haircut and she was at the depanneur and he ran to her and flung himself in her arms and said “Didi!”. He is so loving. And then tonight after dinner he has a party with the ski monitors and asked his Dad if they can stop and get a couple of beers which is fine with us at 17.5 yrs. Then I heard him shuffling in his room and came up with a knapsack and a little bashful and shy. I was worried as why did he need a knapsack on his back without the beer yet in it? What was in it? I asked him to show me as I had a horrible thought that maybe he had drugs in his room or something!!! Had our lenience and coolness with teens backfired?

And he opens his back with a shy grin and he says “I took one of Dad’s non-alcoholic beers and ripped the part off that it says non-alcoholic…just in case I feel pressured to drink more than 1 beer I will have it”.

God bless this child’s soul. What an amazing example for his siblings. He is a star. And so smart and responsible and safe. I adore this about him.

And our others two kids are adorable this weekend too. Beauty with her huge social life and big bowls of popcorn and her big hugs and questions about Bears break up with his adored girlfriend. Bear sleeping in until 1pm today and him going and doing 4 hrs of homework without needing to be even encouraged and his big funny grin and messy hair. All the little tickle fights and silly jokes and laughing.

When it comes down to it-we just have a grand time together (I would say a good 80% of the time) the other 20% not so much. But this fun together makes me so so happy and proud and they all listen to us and respect us and most of the time even agree with us and our point of view-it is shocking to me. When they were little I always felt second best as a Mom-feel I could do much better. But as a mom and dad of teens we really feel we have the right formula going here-it  is exactly (so far) as we planned it out. It’s all paying off. More and more we are moving to democracy and just figuring it all out together as we go along. And so far it is working really well. I hope that stays. I hope that we will have the smooth sailing with Bear and Beauty that we have had with Chase. It has been such a pleasure (most days of the week with many off days). But in general will always look back to his teen’s years with fondness. He graduates from high school in a few months! Past 18 yrs old not much bad teen stuff can happen then right???? (or am I wrong???) I guess my assumption is by that age they are adults and make the decision that are right for them.

It gives me glimpses into the future and the time we will spend with them as they are adults with their own lives. I am quite sure my instincts are right and we will be a very close family both in an emotional sense and a physical proximity sense. It just makes sense to me and I have the feeling to them too. It seems to be what we all want and will aim for . We have the cottage life to thank for this. I won’t sell the cottage unless wild horses take it away. No way. It is the foundation of our couple and our family.

My career and demanding schedule have always allowed me to feel so grateful for the shorter but really sweet times I have with my family on the weekend. My career has always allowed me to feel blessed and grateful for this time in a way I never felt on maternity leaves etc. when I took it all so much for granted and the abundance of time with the kids did not work with my instinct to want to work and have a career outside of my home.

My one hope will always remain to have this balance of work and home in my life.

This formula we have worked so hard to build is magical and feels so right and good for all of us.

Where the week is the week and for work. And weekends are for us.

what I know for sure is that this is the kind of family that does best when we are all super busy and high achieving in the week and all look forward to that down time individually and together on the weekends.

I hope all my foundation is solid and strong and trustworthy. I hope I can trust in it. I hope I can trust in the process.

Pain Demands to be Felt

I adore this expression-probably one of my favorite of all time

Pain demands to be Felt

How true indeed

You can run and hide. You can try to get away from it, or not feel it. But really in the end it catches up with you and it needs to be experienced. You won’t move forward if you won’t let the pain in-and forward is the only place to go.

So today at 5:15am I woke up and my pain demanded to be felt. From 5:15am-7:15am-I felt it.

Was it that I forgot to wake my son for his skiing outing all day because I am so preoccupied, was it that I forgot my daughter was at a sleepover and went to see her in her room to kiss her, was it that my son got his second acceptance to college and I was not even that excited, was it that I am so tired that even cuddling with my husband at night is a huge effort and I never manage take the time?

Was it that I have been sick for three weeks with a cold and also have major back and neck pain, that I feel like I want to be at work more than home lately, that I am not able to look forward to our trip to Costa Rica that we have been planning for many years, or that I feel we don’t have enough money to go?

Was it that I realized I have never felt happier or more peaceful in my lifetime at this moment in my career and at home and I  wanted time to freeze and not change a thing? Was it that happiness my career gives me and the realization of just how good  and powerful I am at what I do? Was it all the things I cannot say on this blog? Or all the things I have said? Was it because I know exactly what I want, or have no idea at all? Was it because I have good instincts or have none at all?

All I know is that the pain was demanding to be felt

The tears were flowing

And my word of 2105 kept coming to mind and also demanding to be felt

Flow

And that very word-its very essence scaring the living life out of me. The grey zone, trusting the process, trusting the people around me are well intentioned and kind and trustworthy. Trusting the process.Truly trusting it.

I felt it all

And it demanded to be felt.

On the one and only morning that I allowed myself f to set my alarm for one hour later, the one day in 3 months I slept in with no kids to drive to school and a decision to not work before I go into work for an hour. The coveted sleep and I use it for pain and to cry?

I used it to trust the process

I used it to trust in this universe

I used it for these things simply because the universe demanded me to do so.

I gave up control and set it all out to the universe. And for the very first time in my life I think I really really prayed.

 

Have Faith and the Rest Will Follow

What I have learnt this week is we all believe in different things but the bottom line is: Faith helps.

Those who do have faith in something somehow have comfort and solace and maybe even better outcomes. For some that could be traditional religion, for others a belief in nature, for some a belief in the power of spirits or memories, other lucky charms, others mantras, some sacred blessings to injured knees to heal, wishes sent to the sky for nannies passed away, wishes for fathers to try harder to do better in death than in life.

You just got to have faith.

That things will be ok. That they will turn out ok.

That everything will be allright in the END. And if it is not….. It is not the end.

I have lots of faith and many lucky symbols. I pray thorough Sister Savvy all the time for important things and even less important things (cool she lets me eh???). I pray to Soulkeeper’s mom Catherine who died when we were teenagers and now her precious Nanny too who we are convinced has teamed up with my Dad as a threesome to watch over our two families (we find great comfort in this as both of us had parents who had a hard time on their life on earth parenting us ). I use my lucky charm necklace for health stuff and surgeries and my Knowing perfume which I lost recently to be in “the know”.

I have a bendable monkey on my sink that I twist his body in the direction of my heart or purpose and a bald stress man that I squeeze when I want to throw my kids across a room. I have a lucky work charm bracelet and a power interview suit. I have lucky underwear too of course. New thing is standing like a super hero for 5 mins before important eventsJ

We all do it differently-but really it all comes down to the same thing: hoping and praying that this world will be kind with us and allow us to continue living well and inhabiting the bodies we live in well.

Just got to have faith. Whatever that means to you. It feels good and is a comfort. And who does not need a bit of those two things? Bring it on!

And ps-I lost my 7 yr pen two months ago and searched and searched for it for weeks. Today it turns up. At 10:01am. Lucky /Smart Girl. That was a real sign.

2015 and Beyond -My Career Years

I have a strong feeling that this year is going to be my kick ass career year. I usually get what I want when I have control over part of the situation.Where effort is required (vs in situations where I have no control like our daughter having scoliosis or my Mom having a brain injury)

When I have control in it-I make it happen. When I know I will   succeed –I prove it. And I most importantly –succeed.

And in 2015 I am ready to take on a whole new game- career wise. I have never felt as ready as I have this year from a mental perspective, a timing perspective and a capability perspective. I am sharpened and ready to take it on. And I passionate. I want it.

So let’s just say the next few weeks are important. And I am looking forward to what lies ahead where I can guarantee and prove that I am the person for this role and am more than ready to step up to the challenge.

And that is it. Final.

Stay Tuned !!

Farm Animals on Heads

As you know I am not a big Halloween Fan or a costume fan. Neither are my kids although they tolerate it better than I do. We all seem to have love/hate relationships with dressing up as superheroes or farm animals. Chase has more boxes with flashing lights as eyes stored in his closet that he made for Halloween and never wore than I can count. It’s just really not our thing.

Some of the blogs I read seem to dote on this stuff. Like really really dote on it. One blog at their school they seem to have a costume theme every week and the five kids get all excited about it and into it (or so the mother portrays on the blog anyways). When it’s a 5 yrs. old it’s cute-when it’s a 17 year old boy just hits me as a bit uncool (I know I know I sounds like a schoolyard bully. It’s just..Weird to see this almost man constantly posing for his mom’s camera smiling into it dressed as a cow so often!  Lol

Clearly I have issues.

Well now it’s our turn at our house to have some fun and honker down! With one ski monitor and one pre ski monitor they were asked for fun day today at the hill to dress up as farm animals! I mean couldn’t just any kind of animal do? How many people do you know who have a pig, lamb or cow costume hanging around their home?

So forget the penguin and dinosaur costumes we had at home-they were not good enough as they would then fail their evaluations as they are not on a farm. Forget that the kids had the entire week off while we worked to think and plan this out. So Friday at 5pm rolls around right before we head off to the cottage and there is a costume finding farm animal frenzy going on around our home.

Chase managed to find some kind of duck costume somewhere that I never even got to see that he was somehow wearing on his head.

And Bear smart as he is..things like this bring him to his knees. He is not that creative or artsy. His brain is a logical one. So this really throws him off and he was running and screaming around the house for a couple of hours having a panic attack of what to wear. PS: I am also the type of mom that doesn’t help out a lot with this kind of last minute stuff after a day at work. I tend to let them suffer the natural consequences of “you should have planned this out a week ago!”Let’s just say this method has created three pretty independent and resilient kids.

So after contemplating sticking a thousand cottons balls on his helmet and snowsuit to be a lamb…he went with two “tou-tous” (French for stuffed animals) on his head. They are cows. And he and his friend who came with us to the cottage around midnight taped them to his helmet and made some grass from construction paper to go along with it.

As much as I hate costumes I liked watching this process. I somehow felt so good that this costume stuff was being transferred over to my two teenage sons who were now in positions of authority to have to entertain little kids with ski in their ski monitor roles. It somehow cleansed me in a way and I was free to sit back and watch them takeover (probably a lot like being a grandparent and seeing your kids have to do a bunch of annoying  stuff with their kids while you get to sit back and relax and enjoy the fun parts)

I also became as thankful (as I so often am) that I’m not a stay at home mom. If I were this cotton ball farming project would be my mandate, my goal, and my responsibility. And I like being good at things. So maybe I would even take it as far as going the extra mile and writing a whole blog on which glue we used and posting my 17 yrs. old smiling face for the world to see! I thank god every day that in this world we each have our strengths and passions-and that I have a job that allows me to feel ok at failing at such home projects miserably.

Also Chase this morning did the sweetest thing and it was the farm animal idea that inspired it. He asked if he could take two rubber duckies from our bathroom and give them to his two student today as was their last course to remind them of their first ski teacher..awwwwwwJ (see I hate costumes but I am very very sentimental!)

My first reaction was to say “Hell no! I bought those in Ogunquit and it’s a family of five and looks good in our bathroom!” Then the mommy in me kicked in and looked at my growing blooming son and his sweet intentions and I said:

“Of course Sweetie-take two. What a lovely idea . Your students will love this”

And I meant every single word.

Time to let the ducks separate a little and be on their merry way. As I sit back and watch them swim with a few farm animals tightly fastened to third helmets.

Note: I know this blog was ironically about my own teen boys dressing up. I almost even posted a picture but decided that was too hypocritical for even me!

Our Cottage Village

I always my Mom saying when we were on the market to buy our own cottage “Make sure it is near a village as when you have teens it will be important”

She was right! It is essential at Trent it seems for this phase of our lives.

This weekend besides the ski mountain of course we went back and forth to the village dozens of times. To the diner, to the grocery store, to get gas, to take Chase and Daphne to the diner, to rent a snowmobile for the day etc..etc..etc..

Love that village. It truly is ()along with the ski hill what draws the teens to come to the cottage without a fight (most of the time anyways)

This was a fun four day weekend. Really fun. I think we are happiest on vacation at the cottage..I should always remember that before I pay for airline tickets anywhere else! We  could easily and happily have stayed here all week. Wish we could but work calls as well as not enough vacation to take now and then Easter break of course. I will miss this time at the cottage though. It was filled to the brim with just a whole lot of whatever. Hubby finding a few moments by the fire to listen to his music…me making my presentations fancier on PowerPoint with Bear, Chase’s girlfriend spending a couple of days with us and watching our crazy family in action, Beauty having a friend from ski hill for dinner, Hubby and I finally making it on the slopes for a couple of hours, renting a Skidoo for the first time and trying out the trails. Good food, good company, lots of movies and TV, a bit of reading, some planning and juts a lot of all enjoying time together.

I can truly say we love the teen stage. It is so much fun. And more and more girlfriends here are just part of the reality and it is fun to watch. Chase who hates Jacuzzis suddenly loves them, the way he snuggles her and says “isn’t she so beautiful?” to us. The way when she has a headache he says “Daphne’s little head needs an Advil” . The way he cherishes her and is so comfortable with her. And she cherishes him too in such a tender way. She is so sweet and shy and feminine and petite and strikingly beautiful. It is fun to learn his type. And even in front of her he will knock at the window as we go out to the ice and say “love you guys Mommy and Daddy! Be safe!” He is such a sweetheart this one ...

Sweet to watch and to be able to share in. I love that they let us into their lives in this way.

Good good weekend. I wish time would just freeze and stay this way. At work, at home, everywhere. I feel all the sudden we are getting our bearings, finding our solid ground. I need it to stay just like this for a while please. I am nearly begging.

And what I love about time off is always the talks and the discussions that are impossible in busy school schedules, between sports and homework and on text. Time to be Kind (another book title for me!)

So yes three out of four days here were the skiing frenzy early schedules-but each night there was freedom and no homework. Luscious. And today Tuesday-no commitments at all! We slept in until 11am!!!!! It was truly heavenly and went down and had cold pizza for breakfast. Perfect meal as far as I’m concerned and even had all the food groupsJ.

I am sad to go back to work tomorrow and on the other hand so thankful that I have such a busy work like that makes my time off so precious. I would not trade either for anything. I am in the perfect place.

Trust the Process. Trust in past behavior to predict future behavior. Trust it all. Life will be gentle and kind  and stable..I can feel it in my heart. 

Listen Carefully

Always on vacation the noises are different. We hear more yelling from the kids and more disagreeing as they have less structure and fewer activities to keep them busy. The fridge opens more, the shower go on less, the TV on more, the alarm clocks set less.

The noises are different and sometimes I love the lack of structure and sometimes I find it harder (especially when the kids are all teasing each other loudly-their big fight these days  is always who is a better skier and trying to rip down the skiing skills of the other)

We are here at cottage 4 days as taking two days of the week the kids have off to be with the kids. Then going back to work and the kids will stay at home without us and with my Mom in the days.

Today I listened hard though and heard two very beautiful sounds amongst the sometimes chaotic noise.

One was at 11am while Hubby and I were still sleeping. Our new routine is after driving to skiing at 7:45am whoever drives comes back to bed and goes straight back to sleep.

All the sudden I hear the sound of dishes. Lots of dishes. Plates, forks, cups. It almost sounded like the dishwasher was being emptied. Could it be? We were not even up yet and someone from the goodness of their heart did this without being nagged or having it pinned as a job? No probably- just one of the kids making breakfast and using lots of dishes right?

Come downstairs and it was Bear! He did this! What a thrill. PS my kids are good at lots of things but cleaning up without being asked is not one of them clearly.

Second nice sound was Beauty. She has a fit in my bathroom about something stupid and threw her toothbrush on the floor and would not pick it up. We had a screaming fit about this. A few mins later she comes up and gives me a hug and very sweetly says a simple “I am sorry”. Very tenderly and genuinely too. Wow what a rarity and what a treasure this was.

Do I have low expectations for good sounds or what?

Throughout the day we forced them outside to skate with us and walk with us and we heard a lot of unpleasant noises of “did we have to?” “We want to go home and play computer and relax”.  But when we train ourselves as parents to listen hard enough there are always the sounds hidden amongst the noise. That is like symphonies to our ears.

We need to listen,

And to listen we need time.

And that time has to be carved out very deliberately.

Or it will be all but forgotten.

Important Discussions

Nobody ever said raising teens was easy did they?

And it most certainly is not.

Bear provided us with a moment last night that really tested us out as parents of teens. Really tested out our resilience and strength to the maximum limits.

And you know what? We passed with flying colors. So did Bear.

An hour long hard, embarrassing, difficult, transparent, wonderful, open, authentic discussions with our middle son. We respected him and he respected us. It made us feel so good and I imagine him so comforted that we are putting the relationship between us in front of anything else. We are not being guided by roles or regulations, values, higher powers or any other forms of the universe dictating how we should or should not react to such a conversation. We are guided by our relationship with our unique son and his relationship towards us as parents.

It was an amazing conversation together. Not easy but amazing. And we will have more conversations as the end of this week, as a lot for the beginning of a break

It’s funny as a Mother I can be so bad at the little stuff in life (bad at coking, often swear at my kids and call then idiots, very irritable a lot of the time, very irrational a lot of the time, not very domestic, can be selfish. The list can go on and on and on..)

But when it comes to the big stuff-I totally rock. I never ever let the ones I love down. I really really really show up when it matters the most. I bring my best self to the table. I am calm and cool and collected and mature and loving and caring and reasonable. I show up. So does Hubby. We are better that the big stuff than the small stuff and it has always been that way.

Anyways was an interesting start to our March Break. Also the internet cut now for more than 24 hrs which is also a bit off as these is the few days we have to watch TV and films and use internet etc. We are taking two days off this week Monday and Tuesday and not looking like we will be watching many movies!

We had a great night last night regardless. We always find a way. Somehow it always works out. What is important is all being together.

Last night’s discussion with Bear between his Mom and Dad made me realize everything we have poured into our kids and family life has had a meaning. It has all been worth it and has all had a purpose. I am not sure we have ever been so proud and respected our son as much as last night. Or been prouder of ourselves.

Yet even with this closeness and pride..my heart aches. At watching him grow, and learn and fall and get back up. It aches to watch him hurt and to be hurt. It pains me to watch my son learn and handle pain. It makes me cry to know that life will be hard for him like it is for me. It pains me to watch my son learn that life is not carefree. And hurts for me to know that the umbrella that I used to be able to place over his head-is not mine to hold anymore.

In essence, it is hard to have a teenager. And it is painful to watch. An honor to be part of.

Love you Bear fiercely and forever and a day.

Mommy