A Pat on the Back-For the Mother in Me

Yesterday I wrote about my Scary Mommy Moments and had lots of emails in reaction!

Hard on myself ??? Maybe yes I agree! I know in the end they are all normal examples of everyday life…just wanted to share that that day in particular I felt like a witch. Just wanted to keep it real.

And yes lots of things about myself that I know are very good as a Mommy even if I lose it completely sometimes.

Also had a long conversation last night around some of my mothering shortcomings, by someone who made me feel pretty darn inadequate, on top of my witchy day, and so wanted to write this post mainly for me to make me feel good about the things I am doing right.

Sometimes the only person in the world who can pick you up off the floor in life, who you can really count on. Is yourself. It’s me.

So here it goes: The op 5 things I am Proud of about Myself as a Mom:

1-I desperately love my kids. My love for them is truly multifaceted. It is a real balance between here and now and the future and what is to come. I feel I focus very intensely in terms of our family life right now but also plan and strategize for their futures. I equip them and prepare them. I care so much about their lives in the future and making sure they are self confident, and equipped and ready to take on what I know is really tough at many times in life.

2-I have sacrificed for them and I am proud of myself for this good decision. I am a “natural” career woman. My natural state is to perform, and to be effective, and to lead and to be corporate all day long. I have never really told anyone this before but if it were up to me alone I would think I could have a huge career (I think). I think I would love and possibly be capable of  jet setting around the world, and being “on” and traveling, and giving huge talks, and influencing many and producing, delivering, strategizing and planning all day long every day of every year and every moment of every day. Maybe that is a fantasy and I could not be capable of it….but maybe I could.

But…..that is not the life I want for my kids nor do I believe it is good for my family. So I choose to have a really great career and a really great family life. To have and do both.

3-I am extremely open. I  tell the truth and I model this for my kids daily. I am not passive aggressive, I do not hold all my feelings inside, I openly communicate and they get the “real” me as scary as that might sometimes be. I apologize when I am wrong. I am a deeply flawed mommy and they know this. They also know that I am really good in many, many ways. I think they know I am doing my very best, most of the time and if I am not ,I take this very seriously and try to fix it.

4-I am very deliberate in our family life. We deliberately have dinners together, and spend time together, and do family things, and teach family values. I deliberately read many family books, and talk to others about their views on family to learn. I try new things all the time and I have their best interests at heart all the time. I am in a constant state of improvement in the mothering department as well as in life in general. I see my overall life as a PHD.I am a learner;I am not afraid to get it wrong.

5-I will do ANYTHING to help my kids achieve a goal that I feel is important to their well -being, their future and their lives. I am not the “do the science project for your kids so he gets a good grade and feels good” type of mommy at all, but I am the “NEVER EVER give up” sort of person that is good to have around. I will lose millions and zillions of hours of sleep, pleasure and relaxation if it means that I will achieve a goal. I am 100% determined and committed. I will not let these kids down if something is really important.

I am a force not to be reckoned with when it comes to my kids. I will make it happen if I believe in it..when I believe in them.I can’t be stopped.

(I literally almost beat up the crappy black rotted appendix that I asked the doctor to keep in a jar to show me, that came out of my son’s poor body. I was so darn mad at that thing for hurting my son that day in particular! Don’t mess with me and our  5 yr plans –Stupid Appendix)!!!

So there are 5 things about myself that I love as a mommy. So see-not always so hard on myself?  I can dish out some serious love too (maybe too much?)

Today I actually feel I need to wrap myself in the warm and loving embrace of ME.

I needed to brag a bit.

To reassure myself a bit.

To see it down on paper that it’s not all bad.

To give myself that pat on the shoulder.

Thanks for the reminder!

Scary Mommy Moments

I thought I might list my “top 5 scary mommy moments” that I have had that have all occurred within the last 48 hoursL  Sad, but true.

Keeping it real! If I can share the good stuff I better damn well be willing to share the bad stuff too right?

Scary Mommy moment #1

Getting my daughters’ report card last night and having no time to look at it at all and tell her “that I am too busy working and to pls not disturb me” Forgetting to acknowledge it the next morning. Oh ya and did I mention she also “disturbed “me to tell me she loved the library book she read and loved it!

I told her to go away and pretend I did not exist for the evening

Scary Mommy moment #2

Turning a special surprise date with my son into a nightmare. I was mad at his attitude so basically screamed at him “DO YOU WANT TO BAKE A RED VELVET CAKE OR NAINIMO BARS WITH ME-HURRY UP AND CHOSE!”

Scary Mommy moment #3

Because my cleaning lady cancelled today and I am pissed off- telling my three kids that they have to come home and clean everything and do laundry themselves even though they have no clue how to and it is not their fault.

Scary Mommy moment #4

Being jealous of my daughter’s gorgeous hair. Today hers looked like butter cream and mine looks like a rat’s ass. We tried the same new hairdresser, who saved us a few dollars, but clearly preferred my daughter and decided to leave her looking like a human being. Morale of the story:Stick with your pricey hairdresser!!!!

Scary Mommy moment #5

Freaking out over both my son’s bad marks and not commenting on their great marks (yet)

Few more just because this is getting fun…

Taking my son’s cell phone away-just because. Can’t even remember why that is gone now.

Putting three xs’s within one minute on my daughter’s chore chart for the same incident because I was “triply” mad

Telling my son his long hair might have his new private high school kick him out if he does not cut it.

Marks and hair a theme here??????

Oh well. I tell myself there is always tomorrow.

And even good mommies. Have bad days.

I think tonight I will say sorry. I hope they don’t lock me out of my house.

Gratitude For.....

Cottage life where everything just seems to make sense. Where families snuggle and socialize and bicker and raise voices. Where family is together, often in the same room much of the time. Where the kitchen counter is central and meals are cherished. Where a candle is lit that is from generations long ago. Where life comes back to being at it's most spendid and real each weekend.

For a special colleague who listens and deals with the hard stuff. Who teaches me and learns from me at the same time. Who to me is the definition of what is a true high potential. Who just is..who she is and is herself perfectly.
Who truly listens and truly gets it and who shares with me-especially this week-as we both try and swim our fastest and hardest and arrive at the finish line together out of breath but beating the clock.

For Bear who says thank you each time we bring him skiing. For the joy he gets in cooking brownies with my Mom.

For Beauty who makes her Dad and I take the chair lift alone "to ensure we solve our problems and make what we are angry about better"( nice suggestion Beauty but today we would have needed a ski lift as long and high as Mount Everest to solve this one)!

For Chase who is missing his date night this month because he has a consequence but still said I love you so many times today.

For friendship that gets to go on and on for eternity. That is so solid that it does not get bent by bumps. That is wonderful and feels like coming back home again where we belong.

For Moms who cook black bean soup, homemade brownies and ignore domestic fights. Who love me, talk to me and take care of me all the time. Who remind me of what is wonderful and listen to me swear and rant and rave about what sucks. Who is honest and pure and like beautiful flowers who blooms with even more beautiful colors every year.

For life. For what it is and for what it is not-and for the blessing to be in it for so many todays.

(No Hubby you are not on this list this week. No way. Maybe next time)

Sorry to air my dirty laundry but need to keep it real!

Saturday Night Live

I have a memory from childhood that is cherished. If I think back to really happy times it always includes this one.

I think back to a train ride my Mom, Dad and I took together and they made me laugh the whole way with their silly, silly stories and impressions. Questions like "who would you rather be stranded on an island with for the rest of your life him or him???" Imitating my mean 4th grade teacher, the principal even.

Risky? Politically incorrect? Maybe! But man was it fun and crazy and memorable.

They always discussed drinking, sex, everything (on this train ride and anytime). Nothing was taboo. There was no doubt my parents were “cool” and my house was the fun place to be.

So as much of some of the non- structure and more “friends with your parents attitudes” affected me in some more negative ways-I will always hold dear some of the great fun we had as a family too-especially when my Dad was well. Our dinnertimes and weekends were filled with laughter for many years.

So last weekend at the cottage Chase and I had some of our own fun and it brought me back to my own childhood memories.

We eat late at Trent. Dinners typically end around 10:15pm on Saturdays! So this week in particular, in lazy moods we all left the dishes to deal with later and the table not cleared and plopped down on all the cozy couches under the throw covers.

And we laughed. Correction: I made them crack up and pee there pants.

I imitated all their teachers and tutors.  It was the funniest thing on earth-maybe not the nicest thing......but really fun.

And that is what I loved about my own parents-they could let loose...much more often than I could but they could do it well. They were not always the perfect role models, but it was this vulnerability and imperfection that really impacted me as a kid-that I found comfort in. They were not always model citizens-sometimes they were just them. Last Saturday was not about teaching values, and having rules, and cleaning up, and saying what sounded right and good.. Basking in the love and fun of our little unit together and laughing about the time when the tutor farted and tried to cover it up.

So after 30 minutes Chase and I had lost the three other family members to sleep-on the couch. He and I chose and extra hour of laughter and repeated all the funniest imitations from the first hour.


He switched couches and cuddled with me on mine and we pulled out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and ate it all and he poured us milk into martini glasses. I told him all the funniest stories from when I was in grade 8. Some of these stories included some things I don't encourage in him on a daily basis-but it felt good not to only have teaching moments and to have sharing moments too. It's amazing how hearing a parent say a "bad" word can bring kids to such place of joy!

We finished our night in the kitchen the two of us cleaning up the disaster while the others snored. We both had a phenomenal evening and it bonded us in a special way.

 I am not usually able to let this loose….I am much more guarded in front of my kids. The 10% of the time I am…I realize how much more often I need to do this. I need to realize teens are different than kids and I believe we need to relate to them on different levels if we want to get it right. I had had a tough week full of difficult conversations, sadness, surprises and stress overall both at work and at home. I needed a breakthat night. Apparently so did Chase.

My parents got this part of the puzzle right during adolescence. I grew up under their caring and watchful eyes-but also became an individual. I was allowed to grow up. I was allowed to bloom and grow and discover. They appreciated in me-what was me-and who I was instead of what they may have wished I was. They did not treat me as though I was a 10 year old when I was 17.

They appreciated that adolescence is complex and crazy and they allowed me to share in our home what was unique to that time of our lives.
They would never allow an occasional swear word or drink get in the way of the fact that I was a really good girl.

Never once as a teenager did I feel the need to rebel against my parents.

I moved towards them (well my mom at least1) instead of away from them (her) and gained the benefit of adult guidance and opinions based on honestly and trust and not covering teen stuff up to feel I met there expectations.

My friends flocked to our home and still seek the wonderful guidance and love of my Mom.

She still makes them laugh with her stories.

At my Dad's funeral many of our friends were there-recounting how he helped them evolve in there life and question their values, there thoughts and their religions. My Dad I realized set many of my friends free as teenagers...to become exactly who they were meant to be instead of who their parents though they ought to be.

In their words and eulogies they said my Dad saved them and helped for them to go on and marry the right people and have the careers that suited them instead of trying to fit the mold their parents carved and making decisions based on either pleasing or rebellion.

They all acknowledged that my Dad....was very messed up in his life in a lot of ways and had many shortcomings in other areas,

 but he had also given them many gifts along the way.

They felt respected and heard.
My parents did that.
I am proud of them.

So that weekend was in honor of them. Mom and Dad thank you for my playful side....it's there...and more and more often.

I am beginning to seek it out in others to...and need it. As much as I seek it out in myself.

 I am beginning to realize that although seriousness and stability and order call my name-I also am searching for that other part of me that I sometimes feel was left back on that train.
I am beginning to realize that as our children get older it is this side that may mean the most to them.

Thank you for this reminder. Playfulness will always be something in me-which I am grateful
to you both for.

It is often in these times of play that I feel most happy and most authentic as surprising as that may seem. Even to me.

Message (s) in a Bottle

Sometimes life is just crazy.

Someone I know really well whose Hubby had a vasectomy a year ago…is now pregnant with twins and just announced it officially!!!!! Ya ya..we had a few suspicions over the last weeks but thought a large lunch was responsible not an unexpected pregnancy! I mean this qualifies to me like  the the birth of baby Jesus(s)!

Life certainly presents us with surprises doesn’t it????

So just found out this big news. BIG news. And started to wonder: What would I do in this situation? Could I handle this?? What would I do? Anyways just made me put my own life into perspective a little and made me think a lot.

I thought it deserved a blog post and she agreed I needed to post this on my blog so that she actually sees it written  and actually believe it herself!

I guess it all depends how we perceive the way we handle surprises in life; do we view them as obstacles or as gifts of fate? How do we handle in life what we have not planned or expected? I think it is in these moments when we are  trulydefined as people. Where our true characters are revealed. The planned stuff is a piece of cake really because we have time to think, and absorb and deal with our thoughts. The unplanned stuff  is where the real fun begins. How do you handle cards that are thrown at you or towards you without your “consent” necessarily? Are you graceful? Resentful? Able to cope?

A Huge congrats to this amazing girl who will now have a double surprise on top of her existing crew . Knowing her and the wonderful Mommy she is….this was certainly meant to be for those two babies and they will be lucky to count her as their MomJ She is a woman filled with grace…and I am in awe of how she is handling this news.
She will definitely be the type to handle this news as a gift and never look back. She will embrace every moment of it (as soon as she is out of shock and off the floor).

As for me? Well I am terrified that this would happen to me too now!  (selfish I know thinking about me during her big news) I called my own Hubby and he was paralyzed with fear too for us-poor soul . I guess my next bath with him will be next Valentine’s day eh?

Well I do like the little powered scent of babies…..their cute little dimples…their adorable little noises. Hmmmmm…

Not!

The Lessons of Fear

This morning the “I Love Boobies” bracelet took on a whole different meaning for me.

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the women in the waiting room who like me had been asked to go there and get an ultrasound because a suspicious lump had been found.

What an awful feeling. What a feeling of complete hopelessness and fear they must be all feeling.  Every woman in that room.

I felt so lucky to have had the funds to pay the high ticket price to rush and get the appointment immediately without  a wait at all. Imagine having to wait months and months under the public medicare system as many people do? Torture.

I was told during the very high teach ultrasounds “right normal” “left normal” .Music to my ears of course.

What had an impact on me today though was how our perspectives change so much about literally everything when we think that there is any small chance that health may be taken away from us.

I became keenly aware of this again at the end of last week also as I learned that a close friend of ours is having some serious health issuesL. It has been on my mind since and hasn’t left my thoughts often. I think of this person and how life has been changed and impacted. It does not seem fair or right. Does it ever?

It’s in these moments of reflection I  think we are at our best really, because we are afraid.

Our heads are clear, and our hearts are open. We are grateful and we are kind. We thank goodness for the support systems we have, and we are grateful for the health of the loved ones that surround us.

Nothing in those moments matters more than being able to go back to our comfort zones. With our health intact.

But what about the ones who leave those room with bad news?  Who don’t have anyone to share the news with? Who don’t have the funds to expedite private tests and care and who have to wait months and months in fear and desperation?

What about them?

And I find it sad that I only have these thoughts when suddenly I am thrust amongst this group…that I may have something at stake myself? My empathy increases as my own situation declines?

What I can say though over the last two years is that these moments of clarity occur much more often for me which I am proud of. They are there at times other then in waiting rooms. They are there without being necessarily coupled with fear.

They are there because I am clear on what I want from life much more in the last two years. I live my life much more now…with the feeling that any day really could be my last one. I have bucket lists, I follow my heart, I take more risks, I have more order, I do more silly things and I have deeper conversations and connections. I love to a different level.

I know what I am searching for now, wheras I did not have that clarity fully prior.

I daily try and remind myself of my Happiness Project and what is in it. I am much more aware of what I need and what others may need from me as I go thought this life on earth.

So although it’s far from perfect or completion and a continuous work in progress-this awareness brings me some comfort both in that office today and outside of it now.

So as I went back to my car , even though a driver cut me off, even though the directions my Hubby gave me to get to the clinic were incorrect, even though I know tonight I will need to stay up half the night  working having been absent for 1.5 hrs. for this appt, even though I have a massive headache and a whole lot of sadness on my mind:

 I felt extremely light and lucky as I left there today

And as I looked at my phone and saw two very sweet messages from my Hubby and my Mom (one saying “I love your boobies! And one saying I love you!) Guess which is which???

I felt not only light and lucky-but loved.

And I vowed to myself to try and bottle up that feeling of gratitude, but more importantly  also of empathy and sadness ,and keep it with me not only during crisis times, but everyday.

To remember and keep with me always that feeling in that office today and let it fuel my heart going forward.

Perfectly Grey

I realized today an important ambition of mine.

It’s to be able to wear glasses that are grey.

Not Black. Or White. Not the Rose type either.

A perfect shade of grey would look great on me.

And I guess you get it by now that I am not talking about real glasses? I am talking about the lens that we each choose to see life through.

I think up until now I have been a black and white kind of person when it comes to glasses. 

Not the rose colored glasses unless I am feeling really, really down and desperate.

 I also tend to surround myself with people who look like me; I am drawn to them.So in essence I have many people around me, loving me and me loving them but all looking at things in the same light.

It’s this way for me-or it’s that way. But  the problem is that this  is not working for me anymore. It brings a lot of success, but not as much comfort as I am looking for in my life at this stage now.

Ambiguity has been a theme for me in the last two years and to do ambiguity well you need grey glasses. The zone is grey and to see it well you need the right colored glasses right?

Isn’t it interesting what happens when you allow yourself to change?  Open yourself up to it. It’s interesting what emerges. It’s fascinating what may be there that you have not been able to see before.

This week I started really black and white and then what seemed to be out of necessity at the time- switched to gray. I found that as I switched my lens, my Protector was different too.

New sides emerged. New pieces. More space was made. He took up more space because my glasses were grey. He likes grey I think. It’s weird for him, and hard, and to some level uncomfortable to see me this way, but it’s good for the love between us.

He came to some conclusions for me that were really good. That really made sense. That my brain-when I had on other lens could not piece together or identify. He was able to solve a piece of a puzzle for me this week. Just like when my brain wanted a daughter, just like when my brain needed my six month old to sleep through the night and find a methodology. Just like when my Dad died.  Just like when at one point there was a big conflict between me and one of my brothers. Just like when Bear was in surgery and he needed to be at an audition that would change the course of his future .

You know those "Aha!" moments when you almost say aloud "Is that so?? That makes so much sense! Now I GET it!"

My brain may work in black and white and gets me many places. But his brain? His brain kicks in on overdrive when mine is just completely out of battery and has gone stale. Gosh his brain is good! 

His brain works for the really, really important things.It goes on complete overdrive when it matters.

I am going to train my mind this year to perceive things in different ways that I am used to. I am going to take that leap for ambiguity to be a place that is good enough to be, instead of a place of  in- between before the real thing. I am going to start training my brain to see that ambiguity could lead to paths that would not be there if the road was already fully paved.

For this week anyways, and hopefully the next one, and the next one after that ,I am going to rely on faith and not logic.

It’s more than a leap of faith for me. It’s really going to become a transformation

I started out with Trusting the Process

Now I am going to Believe.

To Own our Choices

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever”

Keri Russell

I saw this quote yesterday and it really resonated with me. I find it amazing in life that what we do (or don’t do) can change us and the outcomes to such a large degree. It’s as if every step we take makes a difference.

I find this both extremely powerful and terrifying at the same time.

I have had a few conversations with our children this week on the impact of what we do in life or do not do. What we choose to say or not to say. It’s all a choice.

We have had a few situations in our life lately where we have had some big choices to make (as it relates to some extended family difficult conversations and negotiations that have been ongoing).  We have chosen to rely on our fundamental values during these more difficult times and hope that these guides and foundations lead us in the right directions in our interactions and decisions.

The kids also in the last weeks have come up against a few situations with their friends where they have had to choose their behaviors and actions.

We have had some good conversations at our dinner tables as of late. Last night I could have sat there all night it was so interesting (never did get that bubble bath with Hubby in on Valentines!)

I guess if we have a compass in life that guides these decisions we should be on the right path. It’s important to know by which values we make decisions.

In our family I am trying to teach our children that both of our beliefs is that honesty and integrity are at the core of everything. I sincerely believe that no one can ever be too honest or have too much integrity.  You can never look back if you use these two values and say “I wish I did not do that”.

My belief is that if these two things override everything else-we will always ensure that our decisions are the right ones.  We cannot change others but we can always feel pride in a situation where we feel we have respected ourselves, the other person, and always ensure a sense of grace. We need to look back and feel we did good and not bad. We told the truth.

Between action and reaction-there is a space..and that pause-is a choice.

Love this quote-have no idea who said it and if I used the right phrasing-but it’s what I want to teach our children is at the basis of what we believe in as their parents.

I want our children to always know-they have a choice in whatever hand life deals them. They can never control others-but they can always control themselves.

Heart Attack

I like Valentine’s Day.

Certainly much better than Halloween. That is a fact.

We do a few things around here every year and this year added a couple of new twists.

Since the kids have been young we celebrate Valentine’s Day with them and not without them. My Mom also spends Valentines’ day with us too (unless she has a date with some hot guy that is!)

I have always had this thing that I want to include the people I love on this day rather than exclude them. I don’t like the feeling that unless you are in a love relationship with someone, that you have to sit home by yourself and watch TV on a holiday. So we will always have something special going one here for now and forever to underline this occasion that all single older teenagers, single younger adults  and single hot grandma’s can enjoy together with us.

No lonely hearts in this family.

My favorite tradition on Valentine’s day that started many years ago is our daughter receiving a rose wherever she is that day from her DaddyJ)))

 If you ask me what tradition of over the course of the year means the most to me it is this.

It is totally sweet.

He delivers it to her school and she feels like a million bucks. He has promised to do this all of her life. And he will. She will always have a single rose delivered to her by her Dad to her school, her home or her workplace. Her smile is so broad and proud every year on this day. She feels so special that her Dad leaves work and hand delivers a rose to her-wherever she may be in the world.

I have had so many people wanting to start to do this tradition themselves for their daughters and Beauty always says “they are copycatting it is our tradition!!!, but I have always told Beauty that this started with us. This is not something we found somewhere else, or started doing because of somebody else. It is our tradition. It is for her.

(besides the fact that I steal traditons all over the place too!)

The boys always wonder.”What about us??” There are many things that are fair in life, and many special things they get.

But the rose from Daddy is for our girl. It means a lot to us on many levels. It’s simply and specifically for her because she is a girl. Who said life has to be fair?

The kids (and hubby) all get little gifts on the table in the morning, chocolates and little stuffed animals and I  got an amazing gift from my hubby this year that he said he will continue to give me every year which is a wonderful book of memories.

This year I was especially touched. The kids went out by themselves and bought their Dad, myself and Didi gifts with their own money. That was really, really sweet. I love that this was part of their own “to do list” and had nothing to do with mine.

Usually we have gone out for fast food for dinner which is a treat. This year it will be fondue at home as we are low on money! We have made a promise that we won’t eat out more than 1 time per month as a family as it  is  costing too much and catching up with us. We have already used up our time in February so it's fondue at home this year.

We have booked an hour of bowling for the family that evening since this is something the kids often ask for and we never find time to do.

One tradition we will add this year is something I stole from a blog I read “71 Toes”. The writer Shawni has a ton of good ideas. This one is each family member writes a few things on separate heart stickies that they love about each other and when it gets dark I will post them all up over the kitchen. In the morning we all come down to a “Heart Attack”. We will also write things about Didi and out angel housekeeper and they can have some fun with this too.

Thanks Shawni for a great new tradition! That being said I can do without your surprise for my husband which I am supposed to do all year “Make sure dinner is on the table for him when he comes home at night and ensure you give him a compliment about himself before he sleeps at night” Umm Shawna…….2012?????????  But I have to love this woman-it’s the 80/20 rule right? Love 80 % of her ideas and think the other 20% are just really, really weird.

(I can only hope that people feel that optimistic about my own blog and not the other way around (hating 80% and loving 20%)

The evening will end with a nice bubble bath with candles (not with Granny or the kids of course).

All in all Valentine’s is a good excuse as far as I am concerned to spend some nice time together as a family and enjoy each other. Don’t really need an excuse to do this or a reason. But it’s always a good reminder.

Are you Adding too much Value?

At a work meeting this week I attended the seminar of Dr. Marshall-author of the Best selling book " What got you Here Won't get you There"

There were many things I took away from his keynote address, but the most important one was:

We often focus more on teaching people what to start doing rather than teaching them what to stop doing.

Often people , either in the workplace or in personal life, can be close to perfect in their interactions, dealings and relationships....if only they would stop....????
Or could control??
Or could understand how annoying it is when????
If they became aware of the ????? And accepted it and changed it-their success would reach new heights.

And what keeps them from changing these destructive behaviors? Lack of self awareness. They usually don't know the impact they have on others.

I loved this seminar. Loved it.

I thought of all the annoying things I must be doing that could potentially be keeping me from reaching my own highest potential. I thought of others around me and wonder how their lives would alter as well with a good dose of 360 degree feedback.

Feedback is a gift-if we can digest it that way. It's an opportunity and an honor.

Dr Marshall taught me a number of things in that simple hour. Made me keenly aware of the power of expertise and the importance of knowledge sharing to really touch and impact the lives of others.

We all went home with more than a book in our hands that day. We left with inquiries, questions and reflections on our own lives and the habits of those surrounding us. It was a powerful day.

No..But..However...will slowly make their way out of my sentence beginnings as I am sure they will in all of us who attended this workshop

Yes..I will. Ok...make their way into our interactions a whole lot more.

He's In!!!!!!!!!!

OMG would be the only words I have.

Bear was accepted to the 5yr sports program for high school ...FINALLY.

Emergency surgery on audition day with a week in the hospital. Months of conversations and letters and reports and re-auditions. Months of anxiety, and tears, and worry. Months of hope, and pride, and connecting the dots.

Truly surrendering to trusting the process fully.


I may not be in Canada right now Bear-but my heart and soul are with YOU only every step of the way of this HUGE and important Win in your life.

A massive and heartfelt congratulations goes out to my beautiful boy.

You did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(February 9th will go down in our records as a phenomenal day)

Work Hard- Play Hard it has Always Been.

Tonight as I prepare to go to sleep really soon because I am really tired, I feel gratitude.

Very grateful for the amazing people that I get to work with every single day.

These are people who are brilliant, who are savvy, who are fun, who make me laugh (on a constant basis), whom I learn from, who are team players and who many of whom I  consider good friends.

I feel lucky that in my case my work is really my life in many ways. And I really like my life.

I love that I get to be exactly me at work and that the leaders surrounding me get to be them.

We work in a truly phenomenal environment

It’s an amazing place to spend so many days, hours and weeks when I am not at home.

My wish for my kids is that they get to one day have such intergration of their lives as I do. Where going to work .....feels every bit as good as snuggling up to a good book at home.

I wish for them that they learn in life that there is nothing better than looking forward to what is to come the next day..everyday.

Golden Advice

When I first started more than 7yrs ago at the company I work for now I immediately learned some important advice.
It was from my Manager at that point and time, who went on to be extremely successful in his career and so I tend to believe that he must know what he is talking about.

He told me to shop as much as possible in airports.

So I did that today in Miami as I wait for my flight for Panama City.

He said if you travel for business you have to make it worth your time. You have to maximize moments. Be productive.

So I am!

He used to have this great routine where his Dad used to drive him to. airport each and every time morning or night. Just to have time to catch up.


(My taxi driver was friendly).

He also said that each time he came home from a business trip it was with a bunch of bags. I am assuming they were things for him and not souvenirs for the kids? He should have been more clear in his instructions!


So since his advice I have become a high performer in airport shopping (only at good airports none of that tacky souvenir stuff) I have bought great sunglasses-cool coverups-sweet soap and books for my shelves.

Why does Visa keep calling me for unusual credit activity? Shouldn't they understand by now this is my routine?

Today was even more profitable. I bought elastics for my hair that proceeds go to charity. I mean -nothing like an opportunity to give to a good cause right?

So thank you old Manager for that excellent and useful advice. You were a smart one and I thank you for it.

Love those long connections.

The Beginnings of an Orthodontist

It is Bear’s birthday. God I love this child. I give thanks for him almost everyday of my life; I honestly don’t know if I know anyone as sweet and kind and smart as this guy.

He wrote this composition for school this week and I just love it. It talks about what he sees in his future. Orthodontist or surgeon!!! 2-3 kids. Says health of his family his biggest value and wish.  Skiing and golf and cottage every weekend. Boating, Sailing and Amazing Race with his brother! Sounds like he and I will get along just fine in adulthood-can’t wait to hang out with him.

We did an early birthday celebration for him last week as I will be in Panama City this week for work all week.

He had a day off from school so I prepared a treasure hunt for him and his friend sending them from his shoe, to the microwave to the shower to the medicine cabinet to the dishwasher. In each place was some money for treats. Lunch at Gigi’s Pizzeria, then hot chocolate at the French Bakery, fudge at Paniers and gum at the depanneur. He was so surprised and so happy. So what if he felt sick to his stomach for 3 days? Part of having no treats in your house Mon-Friday and being on a total health kick is spoiling them on weekends and holidays::)

Then his birthday dinner at home with his chosen menu: Raclette. Yummy! Big feast with gifts of course from Didi  that he loved. He got his hat and his “I love Boobies” bracelet. He was thrilled. I love his reaction to gifts-he is so thankful and happy and he shares all his candy with us too.

We went out to Cage au Sports on the way up to Trent and they played “Happy Birthday” on the loudspeaker  -this was much better than a gang of waiters coming to table and having you stand on a chair and hold a rubber chicken!

Candy poster of course on his real bay. I added in a loony beside each candy this year. I figure the middle child should get something special for once? The others were very jealous and furious as predicted.

That night he stayed up late with his Dad and me and slept in our bed (well he slept and we were squished and stayed awake all night!). We all went in the Jacuzzi together late, late and opened all the windows so his hair turned to icicles-he was impressed. He took a meditation stance in the hot tub it was really cute.

Part of his gift was a cool new “sweaty” from the ski shop that goes down past his knees for skiing. He loves it.

Later February he will have a number of friends come over for pizza and I will take them all to the cinema. He has asked that we not stay with them and just drop them off. He has also said it does not matter which movie they see because they don’t watch it anyways. Happy not to be with those loud boys-I would be embarrassed.

As he made his wish on his candles this year I wondered if he wished for his sport program spot? Or was he like me..And doesn’t need to wish on it..because he is confident it will happen anyways? I hope he used his wish for what is most important to him. I hope his wishes come true.

As my boy turns twelve today, I am so grateful for the person he is already and who he will become. When I look at him I see kindness, and love and joy and intelligence. We feel tremendous pride in this boy and what he is to this family.

He had got to be the most stubborn and hard headed person I have ever come across but living with him in general is a complete and utter joy.

I always knew he was the one that would take care of us and come and visit us when he is older and so are we-and I still believe that. He is the one who will spend every weekend with us at the cottage, and every Sunday night dinner. He will always come back home. He wrote in his composition that by the age of 31 yrs he wants to be married to a “femme magnifique” and I am certain he will be.

This kid knows exactly what he wants and he will make it happen.

I love you from the deepest corners of my heart and soul my boy. I never knew that I could have as much respect for a 12 yr old that I do for you. You make us so incredibly proud every single day of your life.

We will fight for you and what you deserve forever. Don’t worry Bear you will be climbing that Mount Everest one day soon! There is NO chance a school could give up a leader like you. They might qualify as insane if they did that. They aren’t.

Love forever and a day,

Mommy

Just Do It

I was reviewing my Happiness Project that I did in November and will update periodically on elements of it.

Some aspects are going very well and other parts less well.
Overall am I happier? I would say no..I am not happier (yet) BUT this project has made a big difference in my life so far on some important levels.

EXCERCISE:

Before this happiness project I don't think a year has gone by since I was 17 yrs old that exercising more has not made it onto my resolutions for the year or any plan I make to change behavior.

I have always exercised on and off. And it has always been a part of my life-but in an inconsistent way. I have always really loathed going to the gym, or aerobic classes, but I often still do them half heartedly and with medium consistency and determination.

When I started having major neck and back pain issues a number of years ago it got me into a better routine of exercise and seeing chiros and other specialists and doing prescribed stretching etc...because I literally had no choice unless I wanted to suffer all day and night. It made me make time in my life for more regular exercise. But I still generally hated it.

On the flip side we are one of the more active families I know on the weekend and I love our family sports a lot. Swimming, water sports, skiing, walking on country roads, skating, snow showing, kayaking all make up a big part of our weekends and I look forward. To every moment.
So although I have not been friends with formal exercise I am very far from a coach potato.

With this Happiness Project I have finally been able to start actually looking forward to excercsing. I am not sure why actually-the change has been huge. I think for the first time in my life I have not equated exercise with the goal of changing my body (necessarily).

My goal has been to reduce back and neck pain, feel more energized, get outside more during the week and have a bit of space in a day for myself.

It has come to the point in the last few weeks that I am actually very resentful of anything that comes between me and my planned exercise sessions! A miracle considering I used to invite any distraction that would keep me from the gym most the time.
I feel genuinely pissed off when I have to cancel exercise. Hallelujah!!!

I mean I don't commit to a lot but what I am committing to I am enjoying. Mondays which is my more flexible day-it's a power walk and a gym session and then Tues and Wed a 30 minute power walk and my stretching for back etc. Thursday the gym for a class-and go to work a bit later that morning-but that is hard as meetings get scheduled half the time..but I do it every week that I am able and try to make this happen as often as I can control.

But its hard to fit everything in. I am not one to go into the office early unless meetings early so I am generally at my computer or on blackberry for a good part of early morning before 8:30am or taking meetings that can be done on the phone or fall in various other time zones. That is what I like about walking--I can work and then take a break for a power walk and then still get to work for a good time. Going to the gym or pilates involves a bit more time and planning-but I am committed to making it happen as I have to do it. It replaces physio for me and is necessary. When I don't I feel it right away.


So all in all- I am starting to seriously care for exercise for the first time in my life. I really it energizes me, makes me feel more confident, makes me concentrate more, and makes me feel proud and good overall.

Exercise is definitely a factor...that will in the long term make me happier.

I hope I stay this way. Disciplined with good habits. Finally on my way. I think.