Striver in the Driver’s Seat Now

It’s a Big Day on Saturday.

Our second son, Bear, is writing his important and very difficult  high school entrance exam for the school of his choice.

It’s a really big day for him and for us.

Made me realize how important schools and academics are in our family-to our children and to us as parents. It really is a core value in our home that we all share. We are all pretty good when it comes to school stuff (much, much better at this than jobs around the house).

When my first son was accepted to this same school two years ago-it was a day I will never forget. We all literally felt like we had won the lottery .With my second son now writing the exam-the same anticipation is still there just as strongly for us all. It’s exciting and full of adrenaline.

What amazes me so much is just how much he wants this. He seems to really feel that this particular school will really change the course of his life in many ways-and open many doors for him. He wants it bad.

So we handle this situation in the best way we know how-like we do with all things that are important to us. We prepare extremely well and cover all the bases. Then we sit back and let the universe decide. We give it our very best shot. We work really hard and then accept the outcome.

We believe strongly that it is always best in life to not have regrets-to be able to look back and say “I did everything I could to have the outcome I desire. I did what  was within my power to achieve my ultimate goal”.

So as of last night there is no more studying or preparing. A free for all technology evening planned for him. the night before was blaring his motivational song he chose for this experience (full of swear rap words nonetheless-you should have seen his Grandma’s face!!!). We encircled  him as a family and gave him the bumps-spelling out the letters of the school name. Tonight it is dinner at a fancy restaurant (very rare for our kids!) and a 1 hr massage for him at a spa (even more rare even for the adults in the family!)

Most importantly ,Bear will be given a special card with a special gift in it (ssshhh..) This is really important for us to give him the night before the exam and not the night after. It’s a card of celebration-regardless of any type of mark or outcome. It celebrates the amazing strength of this child to persist, to pursue and to want in life. It closes a chapter and makes room for the exciting new things to come his way.

It celebrates our boy for exactly who he is at this very moment.

Good Luck Bear! Wishing you....the future that was destined to be yours in whichever form that takes!
Love
Mommy and Daddy

Out of Order

I realized something really important about myself over the weekend.

Some people might find this surprising about me..Very surprising. For those who know me extremely well though-it won’t come as a shock.

I am really quite bad with order in my house. I am actually quite disorganized. I am definitely messy and untidy.

I say people would be very surprised because in most ways I am the organized Queen. I mean every birthday card I receive, or wedding speech about me or anything I have ever heard about myself includes a  reference to my obsessive organizing, my hyper to do lists and my many systems that are engrained in our family and our kids to keep order and upkeep in our  house.

Somehow though this sense of order has just not made it to the dishes piled up in the sink that seem not to bother me, or the jam stain on the sofa that I chose a nap over cleaning it up, or the way I pack with my clothes rolled up in a ball in my suitcase, or my desk at home or at work which are definitely the true definition of organized chaos.

I want more order in my life, chaos really stresses me out. I think I am a master of organizing time and priorities but a disaster at organizing things. I think that at the expense of being orderly with things-I focus on organizing time and events. I need a better balance in these two areas.

Another reason why I often choose not to be orderly is that it is much easier to delegate order than it is other things I do to the people who help me out at home. Asking someone to load the dishwasher or sort clothing is much easier than asking them to call your brother and ask him how his move is going or to write back to a friend in need of a listening ear.

I see the difference in my stress levels when things are very orderly around me. Our cottage is a perfect example. At Trent because we bought it recently and put massive time into the initial organizing of it- everything has a place and is very well thought out and organized. It is a place of serenity and I generally care alot more about keeping it this way than I do in our actual home. When I take something out I put it back-mainly because I know where back is! I took the time to not only devise systems in this house but a place for everything. Trent calms me completely and I feel great while I am there (could very well also have something so do with the lake, the skiing, the yummy food too!)

It’s funny how deficient I feel I am in this area and how hard I feel it would be for me to change. To some they consider me their mentor in order, systems for chores, systems for laundry, systems for homework, systems for cubbies, for making lunches, for grocery lists. Some of it can be true.  But underneath-I am a bit of a disaster really.

The perfect example was my wedding day. Spent a bit of change on my dress, the nice hair up do, the sparkly shoes, the sleek jewels, the radiant makeup etc.. but never even took one single minute to look or study myself in the mirror before I left to get married! My mom always laughs about it. I could not care less how my dress looked from the back, or my hair for that matter, or if my shoes did or did not peek out from under my dress. My garment belt could have been twisted 4 times around my leg and it would not have made a difference to me. I was into the BIG picture that day of hoping to be a beautiful bride and marrying the man I love. The details were completely irrelevant to me. That day symbolizes a lot in my life..the tradition has carried on.

Big Picture Important. Details Irrelevant.

Somehow lately though as I approach the age of someone supposed to be all grown up,the stains on the couch bother me more. The toothpaste in the sink gets on my nerves and my clothes rolled in a ball, grate on my nerves a bit.

I am disappointed in myself not for these bad habits necessarily, but for the lessons they are teaching my children in order or lack of it:(  I might be raising three kids who I hope are autonomous,  leaders and good at homework, but if they  go around  eating a pancake and spilling the syrup on the floor and  don’t bother to  clean it up (nor their Mom)..then who am I fooling?
They will be more likely to be asked to appear on Roseanne Barr’s Daytime Show than to go on to be truly successful individuals.

This needs to be worked on. I need help!

A Plateful of Grateful

It’s amazing how in life-what we see is really dependant on what lens we look through. I have always found it fascinating that when we change the lens (or the lens is changed for us in some cases) that everything in view is completely different.

Today I am back to automatic focus. Yesterday however…was definately a blurry day.

Beauty for the last 7days has been complaining of leg pain. No big deal-mostly ignored it for the last week. My Protector and I started to worry however when by Sunday evening our daughter was a completely different person, crying, asking for medication and telling us that she could not even stand up in the night to visit the bathroom. She limped all day yesterday and sat on the bench at Glee. She cried herself to sleep at night out of sheer pain.

The researcher that I am and the worrier my Hubby is, we found ourselves on the famous Intranet and ruled out growing pains because of her symptoms persisting in the mornings. What we did Google however were the dreaded Childhood Cancers-and those I must tell you were not fun to read at all.

It took me back to Jenny.

A friend of mine in primary school was one day was at Brownies with me and the next day she had acute pain in her leg. The next day she was diagnosed with leukemia. The next week her hair was gone. And the next few years all I remember of her was visiting her in the hospital and being petrified out of my mind.

This fear came back to me yesterday.

The lens I was looking through was very, very painful. Suddenly nothing except Beauty being ok mattered. I did not care about the kids chores. I did not care about their homework. Chase called and said the bus he was on broke and that he had to walk 15 minutes to another one and was a bit lost. I did not care. I heard my Mom with the kids stressing over homework and eating and the dishwasher being broken. I did not care.

Yesterday I also found out that very, very likely (not fully confirmed yet) I won an extremely prestigious award at work  that I would be travelling globally to accept  . It felt very hard to care.

My lens that day-was a single window pane and that pane was excruciatingly painful.

I took Beauty to the doctor today and all seems ok. I prayed to hear the word “muscular” and I did. I was given a prescription for bloodtests for the dreaded white and red blood cell count but only because she knows I work in pharmaceuticals and I know my stuff. The doctor was extra cautious. She suggested I don’t get the tests until a week from now if persistent pain.

My daughter walked out of the office and did a pirouette. I am sure by end of week she will be back to the splits. Beauty will be ok and healthy. I will not need to shave my head in sympathy with my girl. We were happy. Back to smiling.

Within minutes my lens shifted again. Literally by the time I got back into the car I was on my automatic focus again. Where was Chase-he was did not call me when he arrived home? Did Bear study enough French for his high school entrance exams?. Gosh I hate this skirt on me it is not the right length! The damn dishwasher-how could it break again when we just had it fixed?

I hated the worry and the stress over Beauty-but in essence it made me a better person. My view was more complete. More real. Worry has the ability to bring you right back to the basics, very, very quickly.

As I sit here now, I vow to remember some of that worry that I held with me yesterday. I vow to keep that picture and frame it accurately in my mind. My empathy is very high for these with children who are ill and whose parents feel like there is nothing more in the world they would want more than to make their child better. They would throw themselves in front of a truck to make that happen. In a heartbeat I am sure.

I know that yesterday when I was out of focus-the only thing I needed was someone beside me who could have helped me see a clearer picture. If ever you need that one day for you..come to me-I will understand you and help you the best way I can. Pinky Swear.

Teeth

(Nope.. this one is not about kid's brushing their teeth or how to get them to do so)

It’s about showing more teeth-more often. And not just for kids. For ourselves.

What comes totally free, naturally, spontaneously and freely? A friendly Smile :)

I can be incredibly selfish with my smiles sometimes. I kind of get into this weird habit of keeping them to myself. Giving them out only at certain times of the day. Saving them for special occasions.

I like my smile-may be my best feature. Weird that I  most often tend to show more cleavage  than more teeth eh??

So as of the beginning of this week I decided to smile at strangers, in particular, often. It really has a good effect! It’s awesome so far. I walk many mornings on the lake and pass many strangers. My usual thing is the “courteous head nod” while listening to my I-Pod. On Wednesday I tried no I-Pod and direct eye combined with an ear to ear smile. The receivers in most cases were  a bit taken aback and gave me  a courteous head nod in return ,but I felt really, really good anyways.

 I don’t think my face has exercised to that extent in a long while since my personal trainer is not put that one on my program. In my case if it’s not on a list it seems not to get done :)

Next person was today. I was in my car at a red light and looked over into the next car. A (big) old lady in hers trying to get something out of her eye in her mirror. Once her eye was free of debris, she looked over and caught my eye. Another big, cutesy smile came radiating from my heart . And she returned it. Really... it  truly started my day our perfectly./i have been feeling good ever since that smile.

Next in line for my spontaneous smiles..my family. Poor things will probably wonder if I am doing some serious drugs.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

Back to the Basics

Sometimes I sit back and think to myself..”What was life like before I had kids? Many things come to mind. I was calmer and less stressed. I was more spontanoeus.We had more time as a couple. I did not have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was more carefree. Overall though compared to now....my life was also boring.

Then I ask myself “How has life changed for me since having kids” ? More anxiety. Less time. More financial pressure. Need to be more organized. Much more chaotic. Definately more fulfilling.

When I am coaching on parenting I often start with these questions before I ask the BIG one.

“What is your Purpose as a Parent-What do you Want to Instill in your children?”

It differs for everyone. Common answers are respect, academic success, self confidence, order, kindness, autonomy. Each family is different.

The next piece of advice....

Don’t lose sight of what you want to instill in your kid...

Always revisit what is important to you and don’t let go of it...

Realign if you need to but don’t give up...

We all do it. I  personally do it all the time.

We care more about the clean room than the shattered confidence of our child when we tell them they did not do a good job cleaning it. We care more about wanting to relax on a Friday night and not worry about our child out alone at the movies with a friend-so we don’t let them go and they lose the chance to be autonomous. We nag them to not forget their lunch before school instead of letting them forget it and taking the natural consequence of being hungry. We academically teach them a lesson of a value that is important to us such as kindness and respect but then we don’t take the time to call our own sister on her birthday.

Life gets in the way for sure- of what is important to us. But it’s not an excuse. If we screw up 4/10 times maybe that is ok-if we screw up 8/10 we might want to reevaluate our methods. Are we really achieving what be set out to do as parents?

Being a parent is really hard work-really, really hard work. Many parents say” I don’t really have particular things I want to teach my child or guide them on. I will just love them and be there for them”.  That is very important too of course-but what about the bigger picture? What are you (and your child) missing out on to not have them guided by your incredible wisdom, experience and love for them?

Fundamentally the best of parents succeed by preparing their children to be happy and well adjusted adults. Really our role as parent.....is to prepare for letting go one day. Right?

So if you find yourself with a moment in front of you in the next few days ask yourself that question and see what is there for you. “Have you lost sight of what you want to instill in your kids?”  Do you nag more than you hug? Do you criticize more than you compliment? Do you protect them more  than taking those steps towards letting go? Do their dirty clothes on their floor bother you more than you child not communicating with you as often lately? Does making sure they get that A+ on their French exam take away from the time you spend together in the evenings relaxing as a family?

I know that these questions haunt me almost on a daily basis. I am in a constant state of reflection, revaluation and assessing if what I do is in line with my values. I know lately I have been off base-it’s time for me to get back on track.

It’s time to get Back to the Basics.

The Amazing Touch of Feather and Rocks

Baggies on Toes. Puppets on Hands. Surprises beneath pillows. Indian Feathers. Precious gems with special notes. Mantras and meditations. Museums and funky music. Sleepovers and pool tables. Calculations and Dictees. Box of special toys and art at the art table. Beautiful and thoughtful gifts wrapped in a rainbow of colors. Yoga camps and Love. New ideas and cars parked high up on our hill in the snow. Laughter and hugs. Dancing, playing and gentle teasing. Smooth rocks for stress and intricate rocks for separation. Dancing feathers and Inuit folklores.

The Music of our Lives.

The 6^th person in our Family of Five.

What we go to bed being grateful for every night.

What do all of these things have in common? They are one beautiful package tied up in the form of our Nana Didi, my Heartbeat, My Mom, a phenomenal Grandmother.

In this blog one of my core reasons to write it is to be grateful.  Often on my Weekly Gratitude section I will spotlight someone very important in my life and I could not begin this tradition without putting the most important person at the very beginning. I believe much, much more in giving people recognition and showing gratitude when they are living that after it is too late. I believe very much in the importance of eulogies-but I believe even more so in life itself.

The essence of her is hard to describe-but you know you have come in contact with her when you feel like your life has been lit up. She is a free spirit full of energy, smartness, uniqueness and she is just completely and utterly cool. That is the inside of her-but the outside is just as phenomenal. She looks (no joke her at all) in her forties and her skin is soft as a baby’s bum. She is always fashionable and always put together. Her brown lipstick and black pants with cozy tops is her signature. Her hair is always perfect and she is beaming and glowing straight from the inside. She has a gorgeous smile.

Anyone who comes in contact with her is impressed by her grace and her ability to connect. She is regal, she is classy, she is a bit off the top and she will light you up like a flashlight.

She is solitary and stands alone. She is also surrounded by friends and brings out the best in people. She will listen to you, challenge you and comfort you. She will share herself with all of us.

If I had to describe her in two words it would be peaceful and joyful. She is a beautiful and lovely and graceful bird.

As I write this I cannot believe how lucky I have been to be her girl. She has been all mine my entire life. Always there to answer me and comfort me.  Never more than a phone call, an email, a talk or a hug away. I am surrounded by her love on a minute by minute basis. Even if I had no one else in the world-I would be fine because she would be there for me.

My kids are every bit as lucky as I have been. She is as much part of her life, as me and their Dad. When she is there it’s as if we are there (although probably much, much more fun!). We have created an extended family,  a little village to raise these three cubs and we all do it together. The definition of a win-win situation. I need help and she needs work. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me really. My Mom is the glue that holds our home, our family and our organized yet chaotic life together. She is the crazy glue that makes us all stick. She is the core of the apple and the caramel surrounding it all making it perfectly yummy.

And the best part about our Didi? She is in constant evolution..constant improvement. She is a receiver of feedback if there ever was one (and gosh have I given her some good doses over the years!). She is the definition of growth and high potential. She never gives up and she just keeps on growing, and learning, and realizing and changing.

All that to say-you get the jist..I am completely madly deeply and truly in love with my Mom. She and I have an  amazing and extremely wonderful relationship that has grown and changed and evolved over the years to what is...exactly what I need in my life now and forever.

 I have questioned her and expressed to her sadness, disappointment and even anger of some of the ways my childhood or adolescence went that I wish had gone differently. I have expressed recognition, love and appreciation for my childhood and adolescence for many of the other parts that I would not trade an inch for. I have learnt from her mistakes-and she has provided a safe embrace for me as I make my own mistakes as Mother.

As a team –we are very powerful. We compliment eachother’s stengths and weaknesses very well. The united front my kids receive is very, very balanced.

As I end this post....I want you to know Mom that in this “second “part of my life with my big birthday coming up...one of my goals is to learn from your peacfulness and joy and become more like you in this way. I admire it. I respect it. I covet it. I want it. Teach me how?

I know that you are there for me Mom. I can count on you to save me from fires, protect me from robberies and run with me quickly ,swiftly and together whenever we are in danger. I am grateful to be yours.

Love you forever and a Day.

Your Baby Cheena

Creating a New Context

I am very lucky to learn a lot of really cool stuff throughout my career, from my many Teachers of Transformation.

One of the most powerful things I have learnt to date has been the concept of creating a new context for a given situation.

It reminds me also in a lot of ways of a blog on a BFF’s blog “Raising Flowers and Skids” called “Starting Over”.

Creating a New Context goes something like this:

You have a set idea in your mind and a certain way of being

This way of being is not working for you

You start over and attach to the idea or thing a new context

You live into this new context

It sounds all very simple but in reality it is quite complex. It sounds really complex but really it’s all very simple. It’s a bit of both I guess.

Here’s an example:

We moved last March to our new cottage and struggled very, very much with this move as we left behind a cottage that has been in hubby’s family for generations and a whole bunch of beautiful memories and family relationships. We struggled immensely with this transition.. It felt like it tore our hearts in pieces.

We had to let go of what the expectations of the old cottage were to us and create new expectations to live into.

We couldn’t allow our old cottage to rule our new cottage.

We needed to align as a couple and a family to create what the new cottage would be to us. All together.

And so we did…little by little.

At first this was terribly hard (and boring too to sit in your brand new cottage and pull out a pen and paper and write).

But it needed to be done…. desperately.

Three months now since we did this and we are definitely headed in the right direction.

We are living out the context that we created.

Here it is below:

1-Weather doesn’t matter at this cottage (recognize this from my blog title??). This one was a BIG one for us. At the old cottage we let rain and sun dictate our days. We found excuses to complain...At this cottage- No Way! We have already had plenty of days where it has poured rain and we have had a blast. It’s a while new mindset for us and a whole new way to look at things. It has changed our life in big ways.

2-It’s a place of intimacy and connectedness. We bring our Best Selves to Trent. We save up all the good stuff for there.. It’s a place full of hugs, cuddles and skinny-dipping ( this part only among the adults of course)J

3-Active Connection with our children. We decided there that we would connect with our kids through activity and learning. We golf with them, we bike with them, we water-ski with them, we wakeboard with them. We cook with them, we play miniput with them, we toboggan with them. We ski with them. We fish with them .We are active (when we are not just lying around the other 75% of the time trying to escape from them!)

It is also a place of teaching. My hubby will show them everything that he learnt from his  own late Dad. Our deal is that all of them will learn to put up a gazebo, take down a dock, learn electricity, learn plumbing, learn to vacuum, learn to cook a pot-roast, learn to clean toilets, learn to mow the law, put a bail bed away, turn a dehumidifier on,  clean a paddleboat, store kayaks for the winter.

It’s a place of doing. And man alive we need the help so kind of a win situation!

So we are  living into this context of the new cottage and it is all going very well.  It is perfect and always peachy? It certainly is not.  Do we always get our new context right? We do not. Do we try our best? We do. Are we deliberate in what we wish for? Absolutely. We are much further ahead now than we were three months ago and this new context reminds us of what this cottage means to us at its very core. It means everything to us really. It’s our heaven on earth. Put there to keep us sane.

So I will keep you posted on this , as creating context is a work in progress and the writing of this post reminds me of the importance of doing this in other areas of my life. 

Creating a New Context?  Man..this  is a Powerful one. It’s a keeper for sure.

To Juice or not to Juice?

My kids think I have gone crazy. As part of my “Health Kick” that has begun in our house this September I have banned juice from our house.

Maybe they are right-maybe I have officially lost it?

These are my reasons. It’s all very simple. Whatever I have in my house-my kids reach for it. If I have cookies they choose them over crackers. If I have eggos-they choose that over toast. If I have chocolate syrup for milk they choose that over plain milk. If I have sweet granola bars they choose them over healthy granola bars. If I have juice they choose that over milk.

So I have decided that I cannot have both.

Something has to go.

It’s going to be the less healthy choices. Banned. Pointe Finale. My Soul keeper (aka Flaxseed girl) should be very, very proud of me.

I have tried everything to make my kids want to make autonomous nutritious choices-but most the time it doesn’t work unless I am there nagging them. They eat very healthy much of the time-but also eat a pile of crap alot of the time.

They rarely get sick (touch wood!) so I must be doing something right.

So here’s the news system (September is full of systems for our household)

·        All food in house is very healthy (as in nuts, cheese, yogurt, protein, whole grain breads etc..)

·        That’s all they have to choose from

·        Any result kind of snacks like white crackers, juices, and granola bars etc.. are put on  a super high shelf none of us can reach and brought down for “special” occasions or weekends

·        On weekends I buy treats and they are allowed them all

·        After the weekend is over the treats go back on the high shelf until the next weekend

·        At Trent –our cottage-we completely let loose. All sorts of treat, yummys and white bagels and everything! Win- win situation since I want them to keep coming there-this is a good motivator :)

So far my system:

Has caused alot of backlash from my kids (and my Mom). My Mom is quite shocked I limit juice so I allow some juice boxes now for lunches-gosh. The pressure!

Has definitely made my kids eat healthier. Chase the other day had 4 yogurts! Bear asked my Mom to go out and buy him a full ham and Bonne Bell cheese since he had a craving. Beauty loves whole wheat bagels and says the white ones now taste like cardboard! Yay!

So it’s a Health Kick and one of my new September Systems. Will it stick? Will it be kicked? Will I be murdered by the kids (and my Mom) before it’s been long enough to tell? I will let you know.

PS-For any husbands reading this don’t feel so sorry for my Protector ok? He has a huge stash of cookies, chocolate bars, white crackers, chocolate almonds, tons of caffeine and lots of liquor in his own secret high up hiding place. He is just perfectly fine.

The Sad Separation of Work and Life

I have always hated the expression Work Life Balance. It really gets on my nerves actually. You might assume that I have distaste for it because it implies that work and life actually have the potential to be balanced but in reality they never can be? That is not why at all actually, more than anyone you are likely to come across, I am a firm believer that you can find balance in your life (if this is what you aspire to do of course).

What I hate about it is the separation of work from someone’s actual life. To me these terms should be married and not divorced.

I have been teaching and coaching on this subject for years now and I will tell you that from my experience the happiest people on earth who achieve both inner and outer success have fluid feelings and movement from work to home and home to work. Most of them do not even know exactly what they earn or when exactly that paycheck is deposited every month (their partner might keep track but not them).

These happy people love what they do as work and are defined by it. Their work is their life. Harder to achieve is their life fitting into their work (that’s why thy usually come see me). In the end though...it all comes together and their day is filled to the brim with just a series of Life Itself.

Are they always happy? Are things always smooth? Is it always balanced?

No. No and No.

Do they sit around from 9am-5pm  (or from 7am-9pm !) wishing they were home and counting the minutes until their meetings are over? Do they sit at the dinner table with their families and wish they were on their laptops.

They do not.

What differentiates these “happy- one- life- people” is that they have developed the ability to be fully present in their interactions whether that be at home or at work. They make conscious choices about where their time is spent. Ask anyone of them what their values, priorities and objectives are both personal and professional and they will shoot them off to you quicker than you can turn your head.

They all have laser focus.

These are often surprisingly the same people who are chastised and judged quite often harshly by those around them who don’t fully know or care to understand them

“Look at Savannah...she missed her daughter’s school play today because she was at work-disgusting!

“Don’t you find that Mark is a slacker? Can you imagine taking a parental leave for 6 weeks to take care of your baby when you are on a high career track? Surely he doesn’t care at all about being promoted.”

“How can Lana not workout at the gym class offered at work everyday? She is so overweight and spends her lunches surfing the net looking for her next exotic trip to take. What a waste of time when you have extra pounds to lose!”

What’s interesting about the fictional quotes above it that they are all very realistic. Trust me. What the listener however fails to see are that conscious choices have been made by these people above and often these are the people who are getting it all right and not all wrong. We make assumptions very quickly about others. Very often false assumptions

In my life as a Mom of three and a very busy career. I make choices all the time. Every day-every single second it seems. Almost always however I can justify these choices if asked and provide the context. They were deliberate choices and have the “supporting documentation” .

I have chosen “life” very often. I have excused myself from big board meetings to watch my son be the silent tree in the play at school . I have sat on a beach and and built castles in the sand with my kids while the company I work for went trough a massive restructuration. I have gotten a massage when I should have been preparing for my presentation the next day. Cancelled an important business trip to Portugal because my Grandpa was very sick.

I have also chose “work” equally as often. I missed the last PTA meeting. I have had offsite dinners on my son’s birthday. Three times I have been travelling abroad during school pictures (the result is “Daddy Hair” for Beauty as I have named it-quite an interesting sight!). I have cared for my team at work  and consoled them during their stresses and anxieties when I have had an equally anxious child at home who failed a math semester.

My husband and I doubt we will ever really retire. It’s just not what we do. We would likely feel like we would be retiring from our life if we were to stop working entirely one day. We wouldn’t recognize ourselves if we gave up this important parts of ourselves. Likely for us life as we get older will equal more of what we enjoy doing the most, and less of what we enjoying doing the least. Both of us agree though that without the work..vacation would just not be vacation. And god knows ... we need that to look forward to.

So all of you out there stop trying to balance work and life and lean toward integrating the two. Learn to see that you only really have one chance. You only really have ONE life. Use it well.. Nurture it. Care for it. Love it as much as you possibly can. Be accountable for the decisions you make in it and for it. Protect your choices until the bitter end. Listen to  the sweet sound of your own deliberate voice and make sound and mature choices. Live it fully that life-it belongs to YOU!

Gratitude-Week of Sept 12th 2011

Gratitude in General:

My Brother Boy, (Aero Mint)  emails: “Dinner at Milos’s with my sister! That is amazing..!” His emails always make me feel so good.

My nicknames from both my brother boys.  Pinkle and Trink. Love those names. Treasure them. Have contributed so much to who I have become today :)

Me and my heartbeat on the phone truly peeing our pants from laughter often. Our inside jokes, our stories, the lives we share raising “our” 3 cubs.

My Protector and writing “Pookie Bear” on my birthday cake.

My Sister Savvy for our new hobby together.

Thankful for Chase:

Now suddenly  muscular and  strong and abs of steel-but still small  enough in length to lie his body on top of mine and cuddle in big blanket on a boat ride

50 ducks come and do their business on our cottage law. Chase comes out and says “Dad I have an idea-can you pay me 5$ to clean up this crap? “

Thankful for Bear:

“I can’t wait until I am older so I can drink coffee, beer and wine”

“When I am older I am going to buy a pack of Pillsbury cookie dough and make one big cookie all for myself”

Thankful for Beauty

For the best early birthday present ever! Justin Bieber hope you are watching You-tube!

“It was really cute-Bear made me a pancake and gave me a fork and a knife and syrup and said “Here beauty-a little pancake for you”

Flowergirls

I love watching my daughter grow up.

It is such a privilege.

They play of girls-it fascinates me. So very different than the play of boys.

Two girls communicating, empathizing, understanding, creating, imagining, sharing. It is lovely to watch my daughter and her new friend at play.

The sweet gesture of a gift to the hostess of sparkly barrettes, the gracious acceptance of the gift from my daughter. Hugging at the end and promises for sleepovers.

I love seeing my daughter blossoming into everything she was ever meant to be. I love seeing her uniqueness, her kindness and her inquisitive side. I love the fact that others love to be around her. I love the fact that she is perfectly herself in every interaction.

Girls focus on manners and hostess roles. The two little sweethearts discussed who should choose the first cupcake this time and next time they visit. It was more important to each of them to please the other than to be pleased themselves.

I love seeing in my daughter all the values, ideas and traditions that we have worked so hard on all these years together. It is such a pleasure to see the type of gentle friend my daughter can be.

I loved watching these two little girls together tonight. Two little flowers themselves with a friendship between them blossoming.

 I would take tonight every single time over a real bouquet of flowers. Happy Valentine's day to me.

Perceptions

Look at the illusion below

What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in  brown, but...
when you look through ME you will  see YOU !

Do you need to look again? (illusion seems not to show up at all on some computersL

When my son, sent me this illusion the other day by email (I love receiving email from him-such a cool way to communicate with kids) it made me stop and think. What came to mind was perception and the way we see things...and ultimately the way it affects both our communication and our relationships.

Last week one of my BFF’s and I were faced with a round of miscommunication. She had written something that I had interpreted in the completely wrong way. Her intention of what she had written was completely different than the way I perceived it. We saw the same words-but there meaning was completely different to each of us.

Lucky for both of us, we are so close that we confronted this with one another and simply cleared this up right away. We checked in and said “Hey that bothered me-and this is how I interpreted this” which led to “OMG-that was not the intended meaning at all!”

Both of us were secure enough in our relationship to ask these questions. Thankfully.

Sometimes I look at the world and think...it’s just a series of miscommunications really.

Makes me think of the expression I learnt from one of my teachers of transformation of “coming complete” . Always finish what you have  started. Always say what is on your mind . Always check in for accuracy. Always tell the truth in the way that it occurs to you.  Always share your occurring world with the other people around you as what may occur to you may not occur to them.

I am thankful that usually in most cases I come complete with the people around me. For the few instances that I have not done so (yet) in particular instances or relationships..I can feel the weight of this burden often. It’s heavy on me and it drags me down.

I am going to keep in mind this optical illusion that Bear sent me and let it serve as a reminder. What YOU see and what ME sees is not always the accuracy of what WE see as unit. The intricacies , the context and the complexities of the relationship we share between us ,  count for way more than what simply meets the eye.

Suitcases and Umbrellas

A disclaimer I need to make: I am not a full expert (yet) on 12 yrs and over. I consider myself extremely knowledgable in 0-12 yrs but still have another year or so left in the area of teenagers. Careful  studying, reading, researching, coaching and gaining feedback before I can say that I know what I am talking about fully. I hold myself to my own professional standard that if you have not coached or counseled at least 100 people on a particular area or stage (and received confirmation that your strategies are in fact effective) that you cannot claim that you are effective yet in this area.

So for the moment-I humbly rely on others when it comes to the 12 plus years. I ask tons of questions to those who have survived these years, read every book I can get my hands on (literally bought 75 in one yr at Chapters), have lunch and get curious with as many people I can find that have this age of child, take courses, do I-Learn segments and most importantly invite opportunities for myself to coach others on this topic  and warn them that I consider myself still learning.

It’s been two years that I have been  studying adolescence now and want a full other year under my belt. One of my favorite experts on the subject of Adolescence right now is my Aunt Chiffon. She and my uncle Chez Veto have been raising their two cubs for years now that are now 20 yrs and 18 yrs and have turned out beautifully and incredibly. This proof of success is by far enough for me to consider them full live experts in this field.

Chiffon has given me a wonderful lens through which to see adolescence as a stage and a beautiful visual to go with it.

It’s about suitcases and umbrellas

Chiffon said –and I interpreted in my own way and words- to imagine a picture of you with your little kids walking with them and holding all of their hand (even though you have two hands and they have six hands to hold). There you are scurrying down the street and while holding their six hands with your two they each have a number of suitcases behind them that they are too little to carry themselves-(or at least you believe they are too little and too weak). So let’s say with three kids maybe 6 suitcases each? So that’s me with 18 suitcases and six hands. But it’s raining so now I need to make sure their little heads don’t get wet so I have to carry three umbrellas over third sweet little heads too. And oh no! My head will get wet too-but oh well-their heads are more important than mine anyways.

Well as you can see this load is a very, very heavy one. It is exhausting and tiring and frustrating and actually it is impossible to sustain or carry yourself . So as the kids get older and more capable you have to let the rain fall on their heads and allow them to get wet. You have to start worrying about your own  hair and put an umbrella over it so that you look presentable at work. With the suitcases you have to let them go one by one and put them in the capable hands of your children. Bye bye academic success suitcase! Bye bye-do you have friends or not at school suitcase! Bye bye do you make too many eggs as a snack afterschool suitcase! Bye bye do you wear your helmet when I am not watching suitcase ! Bye bye  do you keep candy hidden under your bed suitcase! Bye bye- do you look other adults directly in the eye when saying thank you as you leave their homes suitcase! They are yours now, my cubs, so decide to lug them around or decide to keep them in the closet-it’s your choice now.

 If they have too many suitcases to carry and find the load too heavy themselves-you have to teach them to pack more lightly the next time and show them how to.

Eventually you also have to stop holding their hands too-and walk together side by side. With their hands in yours they are learning only your part of the world  (your part) and not their own interpretations. Their hands leave yours but they are still beside you and listening to your voice. As they make mistakes, and their hearts break, or they fail at something they wanted to succeed at they may want to hold your hand for part of the stroll again-but then you will need to tell them that they need to let go and urge them to want to let go willingly. This is your role as a parent.

Soon you become 4 people (and five if your husband happens to be there too with suitcases and umbrellas needed to be carried!) You all stand apart but closely bound and side by side.

(Tears in my eyes now as I am writing. Never thought my own blog could make me cry).

Reminds me of a beautiful rock my Heartbeat gave to me years ago that is a rock divided by a line. She said ‘together always but separated” I have that rock in my nightable beside my bed and look at it often. It reminds me that my mommy is still always there for me but that my life as a mommy and wife is my own to lead now. She gave it to me when she went on a long vacation (3 weeks was the most ever I did not communicate with her) we speak, email, leave msgs or do something many times a day)

As I write this email I just texted my amazing Aunt Chiffon to tell her that I named her on my blog. Her answer was many things, but ended with “Love you too my dear Tarina xox!”.

Thank you Chiffon for giving me a direction and for lightening my load. Without you…I may have been carrying suitcases and umbrellas for a lifetime.

Losing Control

One thing that I am really struggling with these days is control. To clarify-I have always struggled with control actually. Seen professionals, seen naturopaths, tried massage therapy-all for the purpose of something else initially but it all essentially comes down to the reality that I am a control freak.

Parts of being a control freak have worked really well for me in my life and have probably largely contributed to my having quite big and responsible careers from a very early age out of University. Parts of being a control freak have also worked out very well for me as a Mom in our family since there is a lot of order, routines, rituals and my kids feel like they can depend on me to make anything better. Being a control freak at work has been very productive for me in my career. My bosses and teams love me as they know that I will never let them down or not deliver.

Where I am finding that being a control freak is not working out, especially lately, is for my own personal wellbeingL My health, my stress levels, some chronic pain, my  ability to just relax and enjoy. My overall state of being is all going downhill in some concerning directions.

Another area that being a control freak is not working out for me is in the area of teenagers-it is not even half as effective as it has been in the past when the kids were younger. Now that I am entering the “Pray for Them” stage vs. the” Teach Them or Guide Them” stages-I need a new compass and its name is not control.

So my new big project and I need some serious help here so please help me-is:

Losing Control.

And by that I don’t mean ranting and raving and screaming to which this terms is usually attributed (I do enough of that on my own thank you very much!)

It is as in- get control out of me-lose it.

Where I want to start losing control is first with Chase who will be 14 in December. I would like to learn to let  his life be owned fully by him and not worry about it, let his homework be his own and his grades and not worry about this, let him prepare for the next day without me checking up on him and reminding him that his lunch is all moldy and rotten at the bottom of his schoolbag. I want to not concern myself with any of this unless he is not adhering to family routines or feeling well overall , such as  being the dinner table when expected or not at our family meetings when he should be, or not passing school or completely down and out.

If I could have even one single day when “his stuff” is not “in my active mind” as though it were all happening to me-I would be satisfied.

I am exhausted I realized the other day. I have no more room to worry about these kids and their stuff anymore! The worst part is is all three of them are FINE! There is nothing really wrong in the lives of any of them. Last year when there was something very wrong in the lives of one of them-I nearly lost my mind completely-it was dreadful. At this point I may have anxiety about parts of their  lives, some of their habits etc.., some of their grades, but they are completely happy and are not complaining (for the moment anyways)

I create stress for my family. Recently I had to leave the house for a few days because I had the flu and did not want them to get sick and I honestly think they were happier without me in a lot of ways. Sure from afar I was still the puppeteer controlling their days, their homework, their routines and rituals through the people that I delegated these tasks to, but the difference was I was not there nagging them about it and I think it makes them all happier.

So I need some serious help in this area and some serious support as I embark on my losing control journey. I have a few friends, my Soulkeeper in particular, who have soooo very much to teach me in this area. I look at these people and think “Gosh I wish I could be as peaceful as you are even with all the stresses in your life. “. Bring it on babies! I am a learning machine!

So for the next few weeks I am going to focus on the below (feel free to interfere if you see me goofing up which I am certain to do)

1-Let people own the areas they own and evaluate thesea areas a  few times a year (as in once a quarter) as opposed to making comments on a daily basis of how it could be better. Let them try their own thing and succeed or fail, and readjust without my continuous mundane commentary.

2-Reduce bureaucracy by interfering less and go with the flow. Accept that things will not be perfect. Let the to do list go on for longer…and stop nagging and reminding about it’s items.

3-With my kids have a firm behavior /consequence sequence that they are all aware of and aligned on  (done at family meeting last week!)  but in between don’t think about this, bug them about it or ask them about it just apply the consequence (as is pluck a buck just take the money and don’t say 5 mins before “You know I am going to have to take some money from your jar soon eh? Or “Taking money from jar now-please mentally note”

4-Let my kids’ lives be their own really. Especially the 13 yr. old (the 11 yr. old and 9 yr. old I still have some guidance there to squish in there before they are teens)  Try and  not worry  so much and  stop trying to fix what is not broken. Don’t worry about what they themselves are not even worrying about. And if there is something worrying them-help them out-provide direction-provide coaching-provide a listening ear-but do not take their problem on as my own. Believe me I have enough of my own concerns.

So it’s a start right? Let’s see where it goes. Hold me accountable readers! Give me tips and tricks and I promise to soak it all in.