Friday FAQ-Sibling Stuff

I have been asked a few questions lately on siblings. I have bucketed them into the below two questions:

Do your three kids get along most the time or fight a lot?

Ahhh..tricky question and one that my Hubby and I reflect on quite often.
I would say that they get along extremely well compared to some of what I have seen, read and heard. They seem to truly enjoy each other's company most of the time and rely on each other for play, talk, wrestling, fun, games and complaining about their parents.
BUT..........and this is a BIG but........this causes lots of chaos around our home. They are LOUD together, and OBNOXIOUS together, run around and around all the time together. They are often found (this in not a joke I swear) all three hurdled in a wrestling ball together faking to beat each other up in a loving way many, many times per day. They are ALWAYS all together. They barely need to make friends because of each other and this is just plain odd.

And they are NOT growing out of this with age at all!!None of my kids ever lock themselves in their rooms alone or wear headphones, or sleep in for half the day. They love being the 5 of us everywhere and every minute in very LOUD ways.

So although most the time they are super close-as in all three attached all the time, it is in a hyper, loud and in an often annoying way that makes their lovely sibling connection unbearable at times but we are so happy they are so close even if it drives us bonkers.

And often they do fight too and call each other stupid and ugly (many times a day) but their grudges don't seem to last very long.

After seeing the movie Brother Bears-we really felt that our brother and sister kids are really part of the bear family (and this is not a joke either).

Hope that answers the question??


What is your number one tip for siblings who fight? How do we handle siblings constant quarreling?

Over the years I have tried and recommended many strategies. My two best are below:

1-Don't ever get involved unless someone is getting physically attacked and hurt (and is not play wrestling)
Expect that your kids solve their issues between them themselves and then at moments such as bedtime discuss with them strategies individually of how to deal with an annoying little sister or dominant older brother.

Don't play referee-unless you want this as your full time job which I can almost guarantee your kids will expect you to do if you take sides or take on the solving for them.

2- I used this one just yesterday and was reminded how good it really is. My kids were calling each other stupid and ugly since Xmas and each was coming to us complaining about the other one and what he or she said ( the downfalls of being on vacation at a cottage together 24 his a day for 2 weeks ).

I simply said "well then instead of any TV time today at the end of the day-you will all go down to the basement and play a quiet and cooperative game together. This will help you appreciate each other more since TV is clearly not helping as an activity. Maybe after this game time together you will think each other smarter and prettier"

The result??: Hubby and I enjoyed martinis and a book by the fire for an hour and a half in peace and they played Scattegories together and came up afterwards and said they loved that game! It was fun! Can we all play it tonight (which we did). They played three times since.....

And today I did not hear anyone call anyone else ugly.
Although trust me they have not been angels either-but there seemed to be some improvement, they learned a new game and we got some much needed peace and quiet.


All in all having siblings for your kids in my opinion is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child. Let's face it they will have each other for much longer than they will have us.

That being said, watching these relationships unfold and grow can also be exhausting! Truly I look at the peaceful home of my friends has with one 11 year old girl and I think "wow-you get to enjoy being a mother and peace...hm mm-sounds lovely!!"

To Be Kind

As my kids sat down this year and were asked to prepare their lists of what they wanted from “Santa” this year…I realized that as adults we often miss this opportunity to list what our hearts really desire.

We don’t get to send our own wishes to the North Pole and have them magically fulfilled on Christmas morning. Or hand them over to our parents to make come true.

What we really want or really need might even be much unknown to the people we love most…since we might not ever even tell them.

I was very lucky enough over the last few days to have something I really really want and need, to be magically taken care of by two other people in my life. It really felt like a random act of kindness to me….something that will stick in my mind and my heart forever. Something they may never realize the full impact their gesture had on me (until they read my blog tonight)!

If I did have a Santa list I doubt I would ever ask for anything material, it’s just not the type of thing I really want in general. My wish list is much harder to get than a new blender and often demand a lot of hope, hard work and determination on many levels. Often my wishes feel like I am wishing for the impossible. And I somehow make them possible and achievable.

I have four mentors in my  professional life that I very often go to and ask advice to because I consider them so much smarter, and more worldly than I am currently. One of them recently told me “ how  interesting he found it that I never seek advice on matters that involves myself but only on matters than involve my children or family” another one told me “all it takes to get what you want is one conversation-the right one. Keep on having those conversations until you reach the right one that will fulfill your desire”.

So I have been going around in the last few months having many many conversations about my son Bear having missed his sports exam at high school ,due to surgery, and trying to find that one that will actually get him into this program. If you read my blog you know I am up against what feels like a concrete and solid wall of the thickest concrete. Bureaucracy, processes, politics and precedence. Namely; the Elite Private French school system in Quebec.

So this Christmas I decided to give myself a gift. And instead of just talking (and likely boring) people about this subject, I decided to actually enlist their help. This help asking rarely occurs to me, it’s just not my style. It’s one thing to discuss and talk to people but to actually interfere with their time and life and request something I could possibly do myself?

I did it and it feels great.

(I recommend this to anyone who feels like their heart is about to fall out, who carries sadness around like a heavy backpack and who can’t stop obsessing about an important but all over trivial topic in the grand scheme of life that is not life threatening or harmful to health).

One day as my mentors words of “You need to have the right conversation” my Sister Schopenhauer appeared in my mind. A vision of her and her brilliance occurred to me. So I texted her and told her I absolutely needed to speak to her about Bear as quickly as possible.

Now keep in mind Sister Schopenhauer and I have a long history of trying to connect and playing phone tag and missing each other all the time. We are both very busy people, live in different countries, have both kids and busy careers and lots going on. We often promise to connect but can’t make it happen as often as we would like.

But this particular text….made her drop everything. It just shows the size of her huge heart. She really understood my panic-and if I was asking for help in the middle of the day when I knew perfectly well she was at the grocery store buying food for my niece’s birthday party with 6 girls sleeping over for her b-day…..I must be very desperate.

And so she spoke to me for 30 minutes on her cell, long distance, from the grocery store while my other niece fetched dips, and chips, and brown bread and veggie burgers. She listened, she analyzed and she took it all in. And she did not just listen…. she took a load off of me and unto herself. She sent me a lifeline.

A few days later she set me my gift: A draft of a letter that I can send to the school

And this should not just be called a letter. It is a fine masterpiece of art. It is a winner if I have ever seen one.

She additionally sends it to my brother for his comments. My brother is also brilliant. His comments on her draft were insightful, thought provoking, extremely relevant and he asked me to consider and reflect on some important points that I had failed to ponder.

Not sure if I have mentioned on my blog what a smart family I come from. It has actually always freaked me out a bit as to be honest with you my own IQ must be so much lower.  My brother and sister in law are PHD’s, high academics who are professors and writers at important USA Universities. Honesty I regard them in the highest honor and my two nieces are every bit as gifted as their parents. My other brother is a producer at ABC and also a lawyer also in the USA. I am happy to be part of this wonderful gene pool and feel assured that if I need some good sound advice or some powerful media connections my brothers will take care of their little sisterJ

The final version of the draft gives me more than enough to write my own letter and is an extremely convincing, intelligent, respectful, political savvy plea for an appeal.

Schopenhauer even offered to fly out here to Montreal and go to the school herself!! One academic to another could be quite powerful don’t you think? Not to mention she is the sweetest thing on earth and beautiful. Intelligence, brains and sweetness can be a powerful and dangerous combination for men siting on the other side of the desk.

This conversation with Sister Schopenhauer and Brother Aero Mint, more than the letter…was the right conversation. I needed it it at that time and it set of a whole course of actions. I may need to use the letter and I may not if I have news before I send it, but my head is in the right place. I have been interrogated by two intelligent and reflective people. They put me on the path I was trying to find all alone in the dark. They caught my desperation and they dealt with it.

They loved me fully. They gave me my Christmas wish. They gave me themselves.

So as I move into stage two of my appeal….I move into it with a sense of kindness ,because I have felt kindness myself. I move ahead with understanding and a listening ear-because I have been bestowed this gift I. I move into this with compassion for the other point of view, because I have been heard. I move ahead with quiet, kind, positive and hopeful determination in a positive and tranquil and stress free type of way…because I don’t feel so alone.

I feel like I have people by my side that will be there beside me as “WE” win this. Together.

If there is one thing I have learned in my year of transformation, it has been the powerful influence of others in my life. I have spent so much of my life listening, and coaching and solving that it feel tremendously good to share and to seek and to ask for assistance. As one mentor put it “to allow the full contributions of others”.

I feel happy to have the pieces of my puzzle scattered and to have a team to help me assemble it. I am in awe of the kindness that was given to me today my sister in law and brother.

This gift will last me many years, as I pay it forward many times over to others. As I bask in the fullness and wonder…of simple receiving.

Merry Christmas to Me.

Gratitude For........

A Bear who is with his family in front of the fire on the day after Christmas about to start a family movie....who then says to his siblings and parents and Grandma:

"Instead of watching a movie why don't we just all get a book and read?"

And so we do. Until midnight and a half. All together QUIETLY. Siblings QUIETLY fall asleep cuddled into eachother's arms.

It's a Miracle. Truly.

It's amazing how one single sentence from a Polar Bear's sweet lips seems to make all the effort I put into mothering all so worth it:)

PS- I am also so grateful for the same child clearing the skating rink on the lake 24hrs a day with huge passion and love:))))))

Wanted: Democracy?

I realized today what it is our family needs at this stage of our life.

I realized I hold the key to this door.

I am (semi) excited to open it.

It's what I need to build at this point of time. I need to create a high performing democratic team at home. We need to all become full participants on many issues.

Everything won't be a united decision but much of it will need to be decided on and agreed on by all members involved..

I realized yesterday gone are the days I can say "write a note to Santa and leave him some cookies". My kids are growing up, they need to be a part of what we do and how we do it......more and more often.

Next year we might all decide that Santa should have a vodka martini and some calamari to munch on...who knows what is ahead for this family?

Apparently not allowing texting friends from the cottage at midnight for a 14 year old is "infringing on his social life and human rights".
Ok..I can see that-propose another point of view. Vive la Liberte a Quebec!

So 2012 will be about taking this team to a whole new level. I am petrified as much as I am looking forward to the challenge.

Goes against every natural and intuitive bone in my body as a way of being.....but the same time know its the direction I have preparing for in the last year. Launch time is upcoming-it seems to be right around the corner.

There is fire in my belly called Ambiguity, Democracy and Collaboration. (I am sure trusting the process fits in there too somehow as far as I try to run I can't seem to hide from it too long).

So more green at work-more collaborative. More gossip and more of a complainer about workload . More shots of Baileys, more white wine and less milk with dessert at functions. More coffee stations chats and longer lunches.
Jealous of my development plan yet???


At home-less of my decisions and more of theirs. Santa getting drunk, smarties and popcorn allowed to be dropped and not picked up off floor, but fish picked up if less than 5 minutes and reindeer eating seafood. Oh ya ...texting girls at midnight and 14 year olds driving motorized all terrain vehicles alone (after midnight) perfectly normal right? Lattes served to 11 year old works too if that is what the team is rooting for!

All in all it will be an interesting year ahead . That is pretty much a given and guaranteed.

I may not be recognizable by the end of this all-but that's ok too. By mid year I have not committed yet to platinum blond or jet black hair-it's all on the table for discussion. Maybe my husband will decide (on his way to sell my wedding rings) to buy a bowl and put it on my head and cut around it to save a few extra dollars too. He also of course gets his say.

Toddler hood. Teenagers. Transitions. Transformations

Bring this on! It sounds.....absolutely terrifying!!!! Yikes!!!!!

So much easier to bark out commands and deliberate traditions. Are you sure we can't just stay this way with me in charge? Pretty Please?

The Wonders of Intuition

Here I am sitting at my desk and finishing up my files to soon get ready soon to leave work for the holidays and a line from a movie keeps popping up in my mind over and over and over for no real reason at all.

So I feel compelled to open my blog and write it down (which I never ever do at work since my blogs are written early morning or late at night)

So here it is and it is from the movie “Nanny McPhee” which I did not even know that I remembered: It goes something like this (well this is what popped into my head while I was peeing anyways..)

“Close your eyes. When you NEED me but do not WANT me I will be there by your side. When you WANT me but do not NEED me..it is time for me to go”

So really strange as I am not really a religious person nor do I truly, truly believe in Santa the way that Glee characters do (he is in my heart though) but it really felt like Santa was asking me to write this down on my blog!!!!! (No, no I am not drunk at work-although no one would know anyways since the entire building has been vacant it seems since 12pm today! LOL!!)

Weird, mysterious.

Then Santa says to my brain “What is your wish Tarina?. It is 1:11 on the clock. It is your lucky time….

And instead of wishing for what I always wish for in the last 3 months everyday…my brain says:

“Just wish for happiness in life in all the little moments,,in all the simple things. Unplanned happiness. Wish for it. It will always be yours.”

So I did!

So there is my intuitive blog, written at the most unlikely time of day, on the most unlikely subject, inspired by the most unlikely source.

I will get back now to my normal life that is not so spooky and finish cleaning up my desk, finish objective setting for 2012 for my work and sign off on performance appraisals. Then I will head home later in the car and stop for  a shish taouk sandwich since they took all the food away today in the cafeteria, and start packing before dinner for my Christmas break.

I will try to put Santa and his weird Nanny McPhee notions out of my head.

PS-I also have an urge to go and purchase a lottery ticket-which I never do. I don't even know how to fill in a 649!

But I have to say..I would not be surprised at all if real reindeers show up on my roof tomorrow night. Seriously People.

Merry Holidays Everyone!

Badges of Honour

I always try to find ways to look back on a year before it is over. So last night I went through my badges.

If you ask me about how I integrate Life and Work, this may be my best tip yet.

I write on my name tag badges.

I seem to be at many places for work where I need people to know what my name is. Either as the leader of seminars, a participant in the audience, as a keynote speaker or anything else that I attend throughout the year. And man the badges pile up! As I look at them-mostly offsite, I realize what a busy person I am.

So after each event on the back of the badge I write the date and I write a line to describe where I am at in that moment in my career and a line beneath of where I am at in my personal life. It is less where I am at  in my  actual life and more where my head and heart are at.

Sometimes it's a sentence and sometimes it's a word only. When I read them it brings me back to that place instantaneously and to that time.

Sometimes the career line is above the personal line and sometimes the opposite is true.

Reading them  as I did last night, made me realize how for me the career and family are true partners. I am usually at the same place in both. They are not enemies they are friends. That's probably why it work for me in my life.

I am thankful this year for the Company I work for. I sincerely love it there and fell in love with it and its values, and it's mission, and it's associates and everything it stands for from the moment I stepped foot in the elevator as a consultant 7 yrs ago.

There has never been a day I have not wanted to go there since. It fuels me, motivates me and inspires me.
It allows me to bring who I  authentically am to the table allows me to sustain high performance in all of my "lives" at once.

I have cried of joy a number of times in my life (especially when my kids were born:)

I have also  cried out of pure sadness a number of times but not that many. When I do there is usually something really, really hurting me. I am more of a "let a couple of tears be shed, and pick yourself up type of person".

Not when it comes to my career apparently.

I remember after my first 6 month contract at the company I work for now when I was a third party at the time and there was no budget to renew it. I literally stayed in bed for 2 days and cried and cried and cried (I know not very professional but I just could not get over it).

Thankfully for me it was the phone that rang on the third day and they were begging me to come back:)  
Since then I have had two more contracts as a third party and then hired  as an Associate with three promotions since.

And I still feel the same about my place of work.

I love it with my heart and soul. It still has the same ability to bring me to my knees.

So as I sorted the badges last night I saw my life, my work, and my goals all laid out in front of me. Some of those places I was I still am, some I have moved on from and some I will wear on me likely for the rest of my life.

One thing I know for sure though is that I view life in general as a constant state of learning. A constant state of progress and a constant state of weighing in as to  where I sit on certain issues and elements of the world.

As I explained to my friend yesterday as we  discussed differing point of view on a subject; I am getting comfortable with not always having completely clarity. What I may have believed yesterday could change today by new information, constant transformation and opening myself to see things in potential different ways than I have seen them in the past. I feel done with being right.

I feel this year I have been a work in progress and as an outcome so has some of the ways that we have always functioned as a family. I have felt this year in particular it was time to step out of my comfort zone in many ways; it has been really hard as normally I am someone who likes being pretty cozy.

It has been the same at my place of work-I have had to use ambiguity as a compass to really get me to my new stage of development. I have had to view things in different ways and to function on levels that are not necessarily as obvious to me.  I have lost some of the clarity I have had in the past in both my family life and my career life and although it feels uncomfortable in many ways it also feels like a breath of fresh air.

Not always knowing for me is allowing me to access places I never knew existed; it's creating paths and opportunities that were never part of my original "plan". It's allowing me to come from a place of wonder much more often. As I said yesterday-I feel in awe so much of the time.

 

So as I looked back at my badges..mostly I felt pride. Of this journey we have all been on and continue to share. Of allowing myself to accept some level of ambiguity in myself and my life and of being able to embrace it and still move on.

I look forward to a new year with new badges while keeping the old ones close enough to pull out and remember, to consider and to reflect on.

To integrate what was ..with what is.

Did Santa Grant me my Christmas Wish?

Yes ..Just not in the form that I wished for. In a different form.

Santa basically needed me to learn patience, and cooperation and collaboration and trusting the process just a wee bit more. So he decided he wasn’t finished with me just yet.

But he promised me that if I am nice (and not naughty) that my wish will come true. (and so did the people in charge of my wish so did strongly imply too).

The words that will ring in my head for 2012 are “Be Patient and Trust the Process. Give it Tme. Trust Me. I am Very Confident it will come True ”

My God-is trusting the process being pushed at me or what??????

My interpretation is: “I have your back if you would just lay off please and allow me to do my magic”.

So  I go into this holiday season without my wish necessarily coming true (yet)  but feeling so filled to the brim with thankfulness, richness of spirit, appreciation and love.

If Santa feels I need to learn more patience then I believe him and I respect his decision.

After all…..if you believe in Santa for real than you believe that he knows best right? Part of believing in someone or something is understanding that it will all come together in the perfect orchestra you always imagined at just the perfect moment in your life.

Not believing is easy. Really having true faith is way more difficult.

I  refuse to stop believing in you Santa.

(I will be leaving you some cookies and milk as usual btw)

December Feelings

It’s funny how it feels to hear about other people’s Christmas traditions. Lately between the conversations with colleagues at work,  and asking friends and extended family about their X-mas plans and my kid’s friends sharing what happens in their families, I am starting to come to the realization that Christmas is a really big deal for many people.

Wow. I am quite in awe actually.

Let me clarify, I have always been a super planner; super create- traditions- in- my- own home type of person. My whole being and existence is based on this. This year however there is a part of me (a small part but still there) that is starting to question some of my own views, perceptions and behaviors in this. As I become more deliberate on my blog around traditions and holidays-there is also a part of me that feels this may also not be the best thing for my already traditional, planning side. Perhaps trying to make this side of my self stronger is not the answer, perhaps going more out of my comfort zone and and enjoying the little moments on the holidays is more of a stretch for me?

Personally I have found Christmas already fun enough (and enough preparation!) in terms of celebrating the day, putting up a tree and baking before the big day, but many people I know make the whole month of December one big party! I never really knew people did this before now.

I have mixed feeling about it. One is how fun and amazing it must be to anticipate something so much, and really count the days until it arrives. The second is why does December get to be such a deliberate month and what about all the other months and days in between? Why put so much focus on one particular occasion? So my feelings are mixed. …I am often left with a feeling of ambiguity in many ways. I am left undecided as to what level of  pre-Christmas spirit I  am will encourage in my own family, while respecting and feeling very admirable for the families that go all out.

Although I craved tradition as a child and could have often done with bigger doses-I was very happy with our Christams at home. It was very simple but very special. The best parts were the stockings. I really felt my parents did a good job with Christmas, never spoiling us but never forgetting about us either. We were handled with care and so was the holiday. It's was a really, really nice time of the year for us.

I know one thing. I am definately not all into the material stuff for Christmas. We do it anyways but we don’t go over the top. I am not a big believer that Christmas should be about gifts. Nor, do I  put a particular emphasis on  the birth of Christ.

In most part I believe that Christmas is a simple reminder for us to cherish family, and our loved ones, and create rituals and traditions around these warm feelings. It is a reminder to set us up in positive ways for the year ahead. To remind us to be kind, to tell those around us how much we love them, to express words of gratitude. To deliver sweets to the people who have bestowed sweetness on our lives.

For me December is just the beginning of the way we choose to behave all year long. It is a reminder to start reaching out more and doing more of what we intend to do more often.

I have begun to be more deliberate in our X-mas traditions this year-mostly all of them we have always done, but have tried to make them calmer, less rushed and more enjoyable:

The baking a few weeks ago and packing them in little boxes to the people who have touched us or supported us that year. I love seeing people receive gifts….it is so fun to read the pleasure on their faces.

Watching Christmas movies in December and enjoying them as a family. This is especially important since my boys always seem reluctant to watch more family style movies but they have no issue with Santa ones for some reason!

The pyjamas that everyone receives and goes to bed in on Christmas and wakes up in the morning with to open their gifts.

Eating cranberry loaf on Christmas morning.

Launching a rocket on the lake on Christmas day all together and thinking of my brother who gave us this tradition.

Taking time to write individual letter to teachers and tutors for the delicate attention they have given our children.

Using part of my Dad’s inheritance money to take the kids to Chapter’s bookstore  before the holidays and let the kids buy books that they absolutely want. We put these books in a big basket at the  cottage to put by fire for our snuggly reading time everyday on holidays. My Dad would have loved to know that his money was going towards books. This new tradition makes me very happy.

Remembering our other two Grandads that we lost over the last number of years by a special card and chq in the tree from our inheritances for each kid…with “Remembering our  Grandpapa Max and  our Grampy2” written on the front.

My mom making turkey sandwiches or ham sandwiches the next day on WHITE  bread. There’s something sweet about sitting by the fire and reading and Mommy in the kitchen at the cottage making the lunch. It’s really nice and she does it so well. Anything she touches or does is made of pure love.

The kids giving us coupons for X-mas for an eloquent homemade dinner (well ok chicken with pesto-but that is fancy right?) that they prepare themselves and set the table all fancy (ok with plates and a candle) and serve us later in the year. I hope they do this again this is one of my favorite gifts.

So as I become more deliberate in my traditions, I am ambiguous in many ways too. Although I love our traditions and they are important to us I am also aware of “over traditions” where the moments in between all the big stuff can become less important. I realize how for me, putting too many traditions in life can make it feel as though a gap or a hole might be trying to be filled. I never want traditions to take over real life, and real moments that have nothing to do with planning, deliberating, and making a big fuss.

It’s the in between moments for me that are really hard to get right and are really the most delicious. The ones where they just happen because you are a family and because you love each other and because they have nothing to do with what you wanted to be…but only about who you are.

Christmas makes me happy and so do birthdays but what touches me way more profoundly are the notes you receive when it is not your birthday, or the kind gestures when it is not December, or the random smiles and acts of kindness that happen on a summer day. For me my judgment of others (and of myself) will always be in what people do everyday and not what they do once a year. It’s all the small stuff and the bigger stuff is just icing on the cake.

So I am thankful for this awareness as I head into the holiday season that it is not the glitter that pulls on my heartstrings it is the simplicity of winter snow. It’s not the wreath on a door that brings me comfort but the love behind the door that matters to me most. It’s not the Christmas lights or the gifts under the tree, but my son’s eyes lighting up all year around when he hosts family nights. It’s not the mountain I ski on but the people I ski with.

So although Christmas is magical in everyway, what is more magical for me is all the moments that aren’t as obvious, aren’t  as planned and that don’t have as much tradition and emphasis on them.

I want my kids to remember Christmas and our traditions for certain, but more importantly I want them to remember with love and appreciation our lives together everyday. I want Christmas to always be special, but I want Monday mornings, Wednesday nights and Saturday afternoons to be just as remarkable.

That's always what I will be aiming for. 

My Form of Meditation

Today
Trent
Belgin fries with lime mayo
Sitting all day by the fire
Reading
Talking
Laughing
Eating dinner in our pyjamas
Napping on cozy couch
Having a night off together alone
Talking to my Mom on the phone
Taking a Jacuzzi before bed
Wrapping myself in a fluffy robe
Cuddling in bed
Waking up and looking at the lake
Walking in the woods
Admiring what's on my walls
Deciding to embrace Now.

On Work-FAQ’s

I have been getting a few comments or questions about my work lately so will answer them here:

How do you and your husband both have demanding careers and three kids? What is your biggest advice for making it all work?

A few things. It was a very thoughtful and planned out process and had a few critical elements of success that make it all work out.

We are very aligned as parents and we take the time to align each and every week. Sunday nights we align all of our calendars as a family and any concerns for the week. Tuesday morning Hubby and I go over lists for the week and each have responsibilities of what needs to be accomplished by the Sunday. We  divide and conquer basically and has taken years for us to get really good at this systematic approach when all we want to do with any spare time is lie on the couch and watch TV!  In the end however it is this routine and structure which allows us plenty of relaxation time, vacation and enjoying the kids.

Second thing is we have the right help at home. We have gone through many formulas and now in last 4 yrs have a housekeeper 1.5 days per week who cleans, cooks, (wraps gifts!), does laundry etc… We have a family member who we pay who works another few afterschool times per week taking kids to dr appt, errands, and extra curricular activities and basically overseeing homework, showers are taken etc.. If you have the type of jobs we both do and work mainly outside the home, you need help or it will not work.

 I don’t have the type of job where I can just randomly be off of work if it is not planned not does my husband except in the extreme emergencies like Bears’ recent hospital stay. Also for me it about my integrity both on a home level and for my work ethic …..I need to feel as though I am serving my clients and my family well.  Both need to be taken care of.

And last point is our schedules. We have them down  pat. There are certain nights I work very late (either at home or at work) and certain nights my Hubby works late at work always. I work at certain times in mornings and he has certain times he needs to be home on certain nights to ensure family dinners, time spend with kids, homework etc.  I could look at a calendarr 6 months from now and pretty much tell you what we will be doing. Then built around that there is also a lot of freedom for last minute more spontaneous stuff which we also do a lot with our group of friends.  

We are very ritualized and our schedules are everything to us.

We both have a lot of flexibility in our jobs but use it very wisely. I travel at different points throughout the year on business trips or offsites and then our sitters fill in. Hubby’s schedule and routines remain stable 98% of the time even with me away. It’s the only way it seems to work for us.

We have always simultaneously built our work around out lives and equally our lives around our work. Neither suffer most of the time but it is a very thought out, strategic and deliberate approach that works in our family very well.

Do you have any down time just to relax or go on vacation?

We need breaks and lots of them! We go on vacation for certain and take a number of weeks a year at the cottage. Have never cancelled one due to either of our often crazy workloads, we always take some time to relax on the weekend mostly at the cottage. We get massages, we sit and read and we basically enjoy life. These are all things that are just as important to us to schedule in as family stuff and works stuff both of us protect our leisure time fiercely. 

Anything we do socially is very relaxing for us and we are lucky to have many couple friends with children where it’s winning for everyone. Everyone is entertained and having fun. Girls gab away, guys gab away and kids play and run around, slide, skate, play hockey. We chose what we do for relaxation and don’t let it choose us. We don’t have the luxury to make mistakes with our time off it is so precious and so limited. When we do something as a family-it’s something we all enjoy together..

It’s always a juggling act and a work in progress, but it all works out if you want it to. Neither of us are the types who will likely ever retire-we would just be way too bored and have way to much time on our hands. We like being busy and we resent it all the same.

Our motto has always been : “A weekend does not feel like a weekend and a vacation s does not feel like vacation unless you have had  to be working all week and earning it…you appreciate it so much more when it is not your everyday life”

A Blond Fashionista is all it Takes

Last night my daughter performed in her Glee show concert-it was amazing. I enjoyed every single minute of this experience.My daughter even had  a solo.

Amongst her Glee club members one girl really stood out for me. She was about 9 yrs old but looked about 13 yrs  because of her size. When I heard her speak at the end I realized that she was much younger than she looked. She was super high energy, dancing around like crazy, singing her heart out and she had a deep ,raspy and lovely voice. She was also extremely stylish. The girls were asked to wear all black with props. Most of the girls were fairly conservative in their props…a scarf around their neck, a belt here and there some earrings. They all pretty much copied each other’s style and looked towards each other for acceptance in terms of what was “appropriate” (my girl however wore a green shirt…a story for another blog)!

This girl however went all out: pink wig, big sunglasses, big slippers. As far as I was concerned she looked like a real movie star. She was fairly overweight, but very very confident in her body. She danced and she sang her heart out. She wanted all eyes on her. She wanted very much to be the star. She kept grabbing the microphones and singing into them-and good for her because she had one of the best voices. At the end of the show she took a dramatic bow in front all by herself.

I knew this girl was eccentric that is certain, but I was also impressed by her. This girl had guts. Love that in a girl.

Well of course not all the other kids seem to share my point of view and  that is not surprising. After the show the first thing all the kids started talking about in the audience (including my two boys to my sadness and disappointment) was how “weird” this girl was and how they felt she ruined the show. The others girls in the Glee Club also pointed it out to eachother and everyone else they could how she was the worst singer and dancer (thankfully my daughter and their little group of friends did not take part said nothing, but I have pointed out that saying nothing and accepting these conversations is not helpful and makes you just as guilty when someone else is being “bullied”).

I hated hearing these conversations. Made me realize how mean kids can be and how unempathetic. How quickly they are to judge each other on outside appearances and how willing they are to not even keep their negative feelings to themselves. Made me realize why each day my kids set foot in a high school where these types of attitudes are accentuated-my blood pressure goes up.

This story has a happy ending though. I believe very strongly that you can’t make kids nicer by simple telling them what is right or wrong-often they have to experience it. So as I had a whole bunch of kids at the front of the stage going on and on and on about this poor girl-instead od shhhhing them or telling them off or criticizing them I decided to select a helper.

I chose the most popular, pretty, skinny and fashionable girl of the bunch and looked at her in front of everyone and said ”So what do you think about this conversation? What do you think of what everyone is saying about this girl?”

She turned slowly towards me….and she caught my eye. She seemed surprised to be singled out. She realized this was her moment.

“I think the girl was Amazing. I think she made the show Better. I think you are all very mean-she was a better singer than most of the group”

Yay little blond skinny girl!!!!!!

And with that..they all just shut up about it. Later in the donut store where we all went out to celebrate the show..I heard all the kids talking amongst themselves and talking again about this girl in a whole new light. They stopped making fun of her and starting talking about what made her  different yet unique. It was a good and constructive conversation.

This little popular girl used her influence positively that day and taught those kids a lesson that would not be possible from a parent. She led without direct authority. She made a difference.

In that same evening another parent looked at me and said “How do you have the energy to teach these kids such things-aren’t you tired?”

My answer was “How can I not?”

I have never wanted to be seen by kids as a friend. I find it much more powerful to be a Teacher. I may not always be the fun one, but I have decided I will make a difference in their lives if I go to my grave trying to.

To the poor girl on the stage…she remained unaware of what happened behind the scenes-but she too made a difference in the lives of many kids that night. Her teammates might have been skinnier, or prettier by some standards, or more conservative or more popular. But she…….was the Star. She made people talk about her.Sometimes the stars are talked about in a flattering way and some times in a less flattering way-but that is part of putting yourself out there. Wall flowers can’t be stars. They don’t get to.

So we will remember this girl in that show.

She may not know it but her confidence, style, abilities and courage taught all of us a lesson.

And I will continue to insist that any children around me learn from life.

Heartbeat

I have been holding my breath for her the last couple of months…..and trying not too hope too hard for her.

Today there was a heartbeat and nothing could make me happier right now.

One of my closet friends, my  Soulkeeper, has had many miscarriages and often very late ones. The last one she had was so severe that her own health and welfare were in a critical state. It was frightening.

She has two beautiful daughters, but has really felt in her heart that a third child (maybe blue???) would complete their family. She comes from a family of four siblings who are all close and deeply connected-I think this influences her greatly to want these amazing sibling relationships for her daughters too.

I grew up with this amazing girl and her amazing family. We told each other our secrets in her bathroom, we climbed on my roof as I watched her smoke cigarettes as a teenagerJ We teased our hair together and should have had stocks in hairspray companies. We traded clothes, boys, and hair accessories. We watched each other french kiss our boyfriends in deserted haunted houses; we got fired together at first our ice-cream parlor  job.

She was always my hero in so many ways.

She has had her share of difficulties and early on in her life. Her mother suffered one of the most tragic deaths I have ever known. It traumatized me as a teenager and just thinking of it bring tears to my eyes instantaneously. That particular day that her mother died will stay in my mind forever. I remember every single detail, every moment, every word . I will never ever forget it. Imagine the impact on my friend..unimaginable really.

Despite all of this and many obstacles before and after, this girl (turned woman) has been always the survivor and not the victim.

The perfect balance between joy and peace and routine, structure and getting things done. She is the balance between giving children love and giving them stability and structure.

What I admire most about her as a mother is the way she makes it all look so effortless. I know it it not that way-she struggles of course just like the rest of us. She will never however be found making a big fuss about stuff, or analyzing to much, or trying to create a pretty picture for the outside, or being someone she is not. I told her once that I was surprised to have never gotten pics of her kids on birth announcements or baptism invites etc…. she is just not a showy person; her moments are for her . She spends her time very, very wisely in my opinion.

She focuses within. She once told me that she has reached an  extremely peaceful place. It really shows. She is the portrait of sincerity, confidence, warmth and assurance. All of this translated into a wonderful journey of motherhood. And man..  has this girl has her share of obstacles along life.

While I am sitting there focusing on  preparing the baptism and sending out the gorgeous invitations and choosing the cake and sending out the eloquent thank you cards and recounting it all on my blog; she is simply enjoying her time with her family. Indulging in them. 

And simultaneously she has it all covered. Often we might associate this type of parenting with the more  “laissez faire” laid back style of parenting  when it comes to sleep, toilet training, discipline etc.. Not her! Total structure and routine and values teaching goes on in her family. Her time is spent loving them to bits, but doing everything in her power to make them autonomous and plan for their futures ahead.

It all appears effortless. She does it all so well.

She is an inspiration as a mother and a parent if I have ever come across one. I aspire to be what she is. Her husband is every bit as talented. Gosh writing this now I don’t think they should stop at three kids…I hope it is triplets!

And so today as she wrote me a text minutes after she received her great news, I am still cautious as I know things could still go wrong, but I feel so relieved and so thrilled for her.

I feel nothing but complete and sheer happiness for her and her family.

I have realized in my life that there have been moments where although I have felt happiness for my friends; somehow the situation has often affected me on other levels too.

When I had boys and my friend’s announced the arrival of their daughters, when lately when all of Bear’s friends have gotten into sports program at high school and he was sidetracked because of his surgery; when friends recount an occasion they spend with their treasured Dads. Although I always feel sincere happiness for the gifts that my friends receive in life,  sometimes I also feel a pang of envy too.

I wish this was not so-but it sometimes is. It’s another one of those inconvenient truths.

However today I feel sheer joy –and no offense Soulkeeper- but not a pang of envy! My happiness is not clouded in any shape or form. It’s all for you.

I am so very happy for your Heartbeat my friend. May it continue to grow and flourish into the baby you will soon hold in your arms.

Catherine…. you would have been  so desperately proud of your beautiful girl.I wish you were here to share this with her.

Power Wishes

Close your eyes really, really tight and make a wish of what you really, really want for Christmas.

If you wish hard enough and it is a realistic gift that Santa can bring….I am sure you will get it.

I know my wish…I asked Santa for it yesterday at a kids’ Christmas party. Sat on his lap and the whole nine yards and whispered into his ear (and beard)

So here I go…squishing my eyes shut..concentrating..focusing…visualizing my gift…imagining receiving it. I think if I try hard enough..I will get it. Actually I know I will.

I will keep you posted.

In reality we all know it’s not Santa who brings us our gifts..but ourselves that make our own dreams come true.

What is your wish? I bet if you wish hard enough..it will come true too.

Powerstruggling as a Verb

I should know better.

But cleary I don’t .

You should never ever enter into a power struggle with a toddler, a child or a teenager. Or you husband or your colleague for that matter. It is just not effective.

All the coaching I do on parenting and all the books I have read all say the same thing “Do not enter into power struggles.”

But also at friend's the other night she said “Do not touch this pot it is very hot” And I still did.

One of my favorite all time parenting bibles is “Honey I Wrecked the Kids” I remember reading it and thinking “if I followed this line by line I would cleary be the most effective Mother on earth.”

It lasted a few months and now I seem to be back to butting heads with my kids.

It affects the climate in our home. It makes it chillier and not warmer.

What I need to get better at is just applying consequences, often natural ones, without getting into a whole big fuss about it before. I need to just act and not warn. Talking about the consequence and fighting about it with my kids-on top of actually receiving it-is just a plain waste of time. Mine and theirs.

I mean to I really need to warn and remind my kid after 14 yrs of reminding that licking his plate like a dog at the table is not polite? Or telling my 11 yr old that coming into a room and going and flicking the back of his sister’s head is obnoxious? Or my 10 yr old that when an adult tries discussing with you her recent grade on an exam that doing handstands is not the right timing? They already know all this stuff. Problem is they don’t always choose to listen to it.

So my challenge these days is going to be acting with no warning:

"Bear-seems you have a lot of energy , so  go use it to clean up the kitchen please I can use some help."

"Chase-you know what; we don’t want to have a dog at our table, go sit by yourself in the dining room and finish your meal."

"Beauty-since you can’t listen to instructions without doing an acrobatic show,  go take a 15 minute break on the time out chair and come back when you are calm and ready to settle down."

I know this latter method is more effective. Kids take adults way more seriously when they don’t threaten consequences. I even don’t take adults seriously who threaten consequences. I see it around me all the time. Just like me, I would say most of my friends, family  and collegues fall into this trap and I observe it as an outsider…and realize that it is not working.” Be quiet or no dessert!" "Calm now or no story!” "Ask nicely or you won’t get it!"" Use your manners or you are going to bed early! "If you don’t listen to me you will lose all of your privileges".

And then they say it again, and again and again and again….it’s exhausting to even listen to it  as an outsider.

And then I go home and do this too with my own kids. All the time.

I have one friend who is as calm and collected as a cookie. With her kids there are never any threats. You won’t hear her saying “this or this will happen". It just does. And it is magical. So is her daughter by the way. I have never seen such a calm, polite and composed three year old.

My boss at work as a boss is also very, very composed. She trusts her team-she trusts people around her to do the right thing. She doesn’t warn them. Or threaten them, or scare them. She just trusts them. Lucky for me I have not failed her (yet I don’t think!) but I think if I did she would just quickly and painlessly carry out a natural consequence to an action. It would not be a huge fuss.

Why talk about something going wrong if most the time it will go right anyways?

So one of my goal (as of tomorrow-as I am having to much fun being my old bitchy self tonight!) is to just shut up around my kids more often. Keep my intentions and my lack of trust to myself. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them more and interfere less. Apply consequences quickly and swiftly and don’t make a big deal about them.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Lately I have been wishing that someone in my own life would dose out a bit of some benefit of the doubt. It’s actually what I am asking for Christmas this year and even sat on Santa’s lap today at a X-mas party and asked him directly.

So what I want from someone else I what I will give to my own kids. I will have faith in them. Until they prove me wrong.

I will do everything in my power to refrain from nagging, repeating myself, threatening, and sharing consequences and telling them what will happen if they do not do XYZ.

I will simply do it and we will hopefully peace will find it’s way back into our home.

In summary. I will try shut up as often as possible.

Merry Christams Family. What a lovely gift!