Shining the Hot Water

Everywhere I go this month I am hearing about shining the light ... Shining goodness on others etc 

Some in a very religious way using Jesus as a reason to do so and some in not so religious way just bc December is a good month to spread our goodwill and cheer 

Although it has always seemed odd to me to focus on shining light specially one one month of the year - I still love the concept of shining our goodness and light ( all months of the year )

So today instead of shining my light I tried to shine  and will the hot water 

In a very very frustrating situation ...

Let's say you have plans for a really special dinner at a friend's place that was already cancelled a couple of weeks ago . And you have rallied all the kids and made them come . And they finally agreed as they know they will have a great time when they are there so cancel and alter all their plans 

And then that dinner gets cancelled for the second some bc the hosts are sick 

Well you also had a hair appt that you had specifically put that same day as why not look nice since you need your haircut and color anyways ?

Well Let's say that after the hair appt the hairdresser who is supposed to like you after 20 yrs breaks it to you that there is no more hot water left and that the water heater is broken 

And then you go to a sink 

And along with what seems hundreds of other clients have your hair " washed "

With totally frigid water ( and ps is already -40 outside ) and partially boiling hot water from their coffee machine . 

And then when it is " complete " your head is full of soap and dripping and itching all over as it is not rinsed 

And then to get more soap out the hair the assistant asks another hair assistant to help  her with the rubbing and bucket and by accident they pour the bucket of water all over your face and sweater 

Many clients in this same situation were deeply affected and swearing and crying as color stayed in too long and wrong color hair etc . It was chaos there 

(And ps this is a hugely upscale salon )

In my head I was choosing my reaction and pondering on it 

And I chose the be the light 

And to chose to forgive this mess 

The assistants all had different reactions to this situation which was very interesting to observe . Some were telling clients that they were walking out and quitting as they could not believe the salon was still taking clients with no hot water . Others were fetching coffee and tea hot water for their buckets . Others were giving extra long head massages to try and calm their clients down . Others just looked in shock 

My one was fairly neutral but helpful and professional enough 19 yr old girl  . When she poured the bucket of water on me she felt really bad 

And so I decided to give her a huge tip . She looked shocked . I doubt she was expecting any tip from anyone at all . And I looked this 19

Yrs old girl on the eye and took her hand and said "

You did the best you could . "It's not your fault and you handled this situation in the best way you could . Good for you . Hopefully this tip will give you the energy to keep on going "

And she looked at me ( the light ) totally bewildered and then had tears in her eyes that started dropping down her face and she smiled 

And I truly felt so good 

And like the light 

I felt like a million bucks 

And so did she 

So I never did have my fancy blow-dry given that I had to go home and shower anyways and rinse soap out of my hair . And I never did have that special dinner to look good for anyways 

But what I did have ? Was pride . In myself .

The only way to describe it - is that I felt intact . Within a bit of a crazy world ( aka trump )

And I bet she felt intact too . And shines upon . 

And I bet if I was religious Jesus would have been inpressed too l

(PS-I posted 3 new blogs all today . So if you want to read scroll down three times!)

A beautiful 21 hrs with with a sad ending

Soulkeeper and I at least twice a year and if we are lucky three times a year come up to my cottage late on a weekday night and stay on the next day together . It is oxygen to both of us truly . We even keep lists of things we need to talk about to each other and we check them off one by one .

Soulkeeper ( also know as sage ) is not a big texter . I am not a huge phone person . Both of us adjust and she does text and I do speak on the phone here and there to keep in touch . We do have a lunch here and there .. Do couple stuff .. I babysit her kids with my daughter a number of times per year . But it is these cottage escapes that are the very best . Cream of the crop .

And we always have big stuff happen when we are at Trent . This time was no exception .

We started out with our usual routine . She feeds her kids and picked me up . We stopped in sauveur for a great dinner at Gibby's all appetizers ( hot bread and pickles , amazing salad , sausages and chutney , baked potatoes with all the dressing and delicious apple crumble ) 

While we were at the restaurent I realized I had forgotten my key to Trent !!! I called hubby and he told me that we had a spare key hidden and that to call when I arrived and he would explain where it was complicated .

Well took us hours to arrive as started snowing and blowing snow and no lights on highways .

We chatted and chatted and chatted happily all the way . Until we got to the big big hill at my cottage and realized she does not have a 4 by 4 or a truck ( we are girls after all !!! )

So we got completely stuck on the hill and in a ditch actually after 30 minutes of trying we gave up and took the long haul towards my cottage with bags in hand ( and she has a shoulder issue so I had the heavy load of it )

Well then we arrived and realized of course no key . Well by now midnight . Called hubby and he was asleep and no answer !!!!!! For about 20 mins kept calling and he finally told us the hidden spot . We were so tired went straight to sleep ( in my bed with fleece sheets ) and chatted and chatted in bed the next morning for hours 

Decided could not waste chat time on dumb car so waited hours until had long breakfast and long long jacuzzi . Best decision ever as no time for that crap .

We turned off our phones and email all day and ignored reality 

By 2pm realized we had a car stuck on hill and sage needed to be home by 6pm . Called tow truck ( well hubby did ) and spend lots of time outside dealing with this ( and chatting and chatting in between this rude interruption to our precious hours )

Dealt with car . Sat by fire . Ate delicious lunch I made . And hiked back up hill with all her stuff and said goodbye . I fell asleep on couch waiting for my own family to arrive a few hrs later .

Over those 21 hrs covered almost every topic imaginable in both of our lives and we support , listen , give advice , give some tough love and help each other . So so precious . There is no subject off limits . So liberating .

What a gift to have this time .

The beauty of it all abruptly ended at 8pm when literally we my sweet family walked in the door and I was asking them how they were .. The phone rang :((

It was Sage .. Crying so hard . Her ex husband who was also a precious childhood teen friend of ours very very close to us and with her for 9 yrs .. Had died :(((( 

After she and he broke up years ago he had found love again and remarried and went on to have two children now ages 5 and 3. He was so so precious and wonderful and a beautiful person both inside and out with a kind and caring and gentle soul. We both have loved this boy all our lives it feels like . So hard for sage .. So many emotions 

And now he is gone . Taken by cancer . Leaving his beautiful family behind to grieve him . 

It was a beautiful day and a hellish evening . Sage of course is completely broken . I am broken for her and for the unkindness of the world and unfairness of it all for a boy and then man I Remeber and cared about so much .

I felt scared all night of the unpredictability of life and the fragility of it all . How happiness can be stolen so ruthlessly and so quickly.

And I felt sad .. Very sad . And also grateful for the beautiful day Sage and I got to spend together before the storm hit and the sadness rolled in . Glad for her that she was sheltered for those 21 hrs before what was to come . It was a devastating weekend.

We cannot even begin to comprehend what his families are going through. 

The Things of Life

Things that are making me happy lately:\

When the sun has been hot and shining down on us a couple of days on this vacation

Listening to music while cooking dinner

Going to Soulkeeper’s cottage and seeing how amazingly trained her three little ones all are when it comes to sleep (us talking up a storm and loudly and coming in with frosted cupcakes and her kids staying quietly in their beds as was bedtime and adult time). Nothing impresses me more than well-disciplined kids (as I know the effort from the parents that this takes to produce! And ps yes we left them a bunch of cupcakes for the morningJ))

Watching Lost A LOT

The card my Hubby wrote to me on our 19^th anniversary -so beautiful and sincere words

The fact that after 19 yrs. married we still like hanging out together so much. On this vacation we are rarely apart (it’s a little silly actually!)

How close I am to Mr. Soul keeper. Love that guy. You have to be pretty close to a guy friend to give him a foot massage all evening and tell him that his feet are in awkward placesJ))) While soulkeeper sits in the middle of us lol!!!! That is how close we are-juts love it-what a gift. And planning a holiday the four of us in a few years….yahoo!

Getting our kids back Friday!!!! Including Chase who decided (on his own) the best thing to do was come home and not miss our cottage week as a family. Yahoo!!!!!

That my Mom is feeling a little better here and there (sometimes) on her vacation. That we have the luxury of having her spend her vacation at our house while we are at the cottage so she can enjoy the pool and have her friends over and enjoy some  new and different scenery.

Watching movies ( 50 shades of grey anyone?) that man is sooooo sexy!!!!

Planning out our exercise very strict schedule for Sept and beyond as a couple

The passion and excitement I feel with all the work I will do this fall. I am going to give it my 100% and really build up my business. I am looking very forward to this (unexpectedly)

Annual Regatta coming up on Holiday Lake. Love seeing the kids race and spend time with our buddies

Things that are making me sad latelyL(very very very first world issues)

How hard it is for my husband about giving up all alcohol even after 1.5 yrs. (had to give up for health reasons). It’s hard to hear him talk about it ….. And how will always be a daily struggle and especially at social occasions etc. Heartbreaking in so many ways and always will be on so many levels. Hard to explain unless you have experienced this in your family.

Knowing that Beauty’s big 6 months X-rays are coming up and always worrying about the outcomes

Not knowing if Beauty is having fun at camp as no contact and she is not a camp lover (but always ends up having a great time in the past but hates the thought of leaving)

That is is soooooo cold and freezing at cottage last couple of days and into tomorrow. Like the artic!!

That I have dreams and nightmares every single night about the place I worked for 11 yrs and missing my work and the people there and feelings in the dream of separation and alienation

That sometimes I feel very bored and very annoyed in life

That I wish I could find a good book club

That I miss my wonderful friends in Swiss (you know who you are girlfriend!) I want to see her. Long distance is ok, but has nothing on time spend together for real. Especially with this career transition there is nobody else in the world I would rather spend a few days with and let her pump me up with belief and happiness and hope (in  person!!!)

That I am scared of getting old

That I miss holding my kids in my arms

That pizza pizza is closed on Wednesday so going to hike today a good 2.5 hrs without getting to eat that yummy food

That I have had a stomach ache/backache/ headache for a week now

That both trips we have planned and paid for in the next year all flights have been cancelled and changed so now have to figure out what to do

In conclusion……

I love vacation. I love my Hubby. I am starting to miss our kids a lot but will see them very soon (and then probably want them to go back to camp!)

Life is good. Posts like this help me articulate what is going on inside of me (the easy things that are easy to share) 

Moments I May have Missed

There are many moments lately that touch me to the core.Mostly involving my family. These moments were always there-always touched me-but something about the last few weeks has made me appreciate them more.

My life has a different beat to it-a different pace. Maybe somehow through it all I get more of these moments? I tell you whenever I speak to ex colleagues of mine and I ask them how they are and they say “busy and stressed” I don’t miss it there. I am not sure I ever ever functioned before without those two words in my life…now I still have them, but in between I have more recovery time. Time in between to breathe.

There is more of life for me to enjoy. More life, Please!

Last night was a Friday night where all the kids had friends over. We have a sort of weekend rule in our house that if we are home on the weekend you can go anywhere and see anyone and have whomever over. It’s amazing and has always worked well. Thank goodness we love all the kids who our kids spend time with.

Beauty and her BFF asked me to watch them dance in our dance studio in the basement. I comfortably settled myself on the couch and watched them shine in front of me. Their beauty was captivating-truly. They were dressed as twins with the usual outfit of tiny little Lycra shorts and their school dance little navy t-shirts with flowing long hair and baseball caps. They truly were the essence of beauty-at that moment they took my breath away.

And our daughter comes alive through two things 1) friends 2) dancing. In combination her face is utter happiness-she literally radiates happiness and for a girl of 13 who rarely gives me a kind word these days this was a total privilege to watch.

She truly has a BFF. Such incredible love they share. I have loved watching their friendship bloom from the most unexpected places. This is the BFF friendship  that every child, teen and adult craves. As I watch them I know they could never do without each other. They complete each other.

Then having the privilege of watching Chase drive to the cottage this weekend with me in the backseat,  giving us both advice  about our careers (damn good advice too!) Graduating in less than a month and doing so incredibly well in such advanced courses as advanced math, science, chemistry, and physics. The kids took the hard route-I am so proud of him. Did it again for CEGEP the next year and challenged himself with the more advanced English. I am in shock. And in awe.

I had his phone in my hand today and looked at the wallpaper on his home setting. Changes weekly and always his girlfriend. Today-caught my breath just like Beauty’s dance. His sweet girlfriend had taken a picture of herself in the mirror. In black and white, her reflection stared back at me. Long socks, short little shirt, a beautiful outfit. Like a ray of sunshine actually. Stunning artistic, beautiful, and feminine. Like a masterpiece of art. “This is what my son appreciates” I tell myself….I peek into his world. I love the young man he is becoming. I love looking at  the young woman’s image he so appreciates.

And Bear last weekend with my brother and his family. I love the way he interacts with adults, the way he is so at ease and comfortable and interesting. Tonight is his first real party with boys and girls and many kids invited. The way he knows the rules and can recite them by heart. The way he includes us into his life. Does he follow the rules is his business. That he knows them and seems to respect them is a privilege. All are his choices now and so far he has made nothing but excellent ones.

I am made of trust when it comes to my kids at this age. I trust them to make good decisions for their lives.

And my husband-last night a few hours of terror in my heart as my old and familiar trust issues re surfaced. I am he was able to calm myself down. Kisses, hugs, compliments. He is my rock. I am depending on him. I can calm myself down. I can make the worry of away. He can help me.

And the basketball net on our street right in front of our house that now has two younger boys (neighbors) using it daily. Brings me back to when our boys where littler, and less connected to the iPad and more connected to the outside. The ball in the hoop-the running and dribbling, the sharing of the net for the kids on the street. Times have changes to much and to fast. Watching those younger boys out there created a certain stability for me-made me know the world has not changed too much.

And my mom-this week I saw her three times! Never before have we gotten to take a quick lunch or a quick walk, or an outing so frequentlt. All in between all my work-but there are those spaces in between now . Soul keeper will call me on a walk or on my way home from work and I can speak vs text. It feels good to be so much more connected. Know what her kids are up to that day specifically-tell her about mine. I love those three kids to  bits. I can’t enter a store without seeing something for them or empty as closet without putting something special aside. To share this life so intimately is such a gift.

And bra shopping yesterday with Mom and Childhood Wonder was amazing and sooo fun! I can’t believe the bras I got. Could be life changing actuallyJ))) How did I not know about these all these years???

Sharing a Jacuzzi with the girls last night and the four of us panning our week at the cottage without the brothers (hubby, me, Beauty and BFF will be one vacation one week without the boys who have summer jobs and competitions kayak) them allowing us into that part of their lives, sharing an amazing movie with them last night as they cuddled together on the couch “Still Alice”. Moving from the phase of the 5 of us together to something different and just as special.

Watching life change.

As I spend my day today at/Trent organizing, cleaning, transitioning from winter to summer…I feel grateful that I capture these moments in my life. That I live them. That I get to do that. That I choose too.

That there are so many moments in our lives and they are out there if we claim them.

Sometimes I feel so sad in my heart. Other times my heart explodes with happiness. I feel so utterly human. So capable. So here and now-feeling what is demanding to be felt.

Whatever that may be

Partnering

In the last few months I have really felt partnered with in so many areas of my life .

Really supported by really smart and capable people who provide me the gift of their time and energy in such a way that brings my life such an utter richness really .

And it is hard work to have this .. Really hard work . Partnership takes noticing and nurturing and watering . If takes energy and time and devotion . It is deliberate and needs daily attention. A partner is not easily forgotten. You carry them in your head and heart always.

I have always known that family is my partner and have always worked hard ensuring that . But I have also known that there are many relationships outside of family that are crucial and important to me too.

In delivering the 5 days leadership course  this week to a large group of corporate managers I realized how sad I feel when so many people use the very real excuse of "busy" as a reason to not have many partnerships outside of their workplace

It makes me fundamentally sad as I KNOW there is another way.

I feel partnered

As a wife and mother

As a daughter and sister

As a niece and cousin

In many ( not too many but just enough!)  deep friendships

As a trusted collegue

As a trusted ex collegue

As an advisor

A coach

A professional

I serve and I am served

I partner and I am a partner

I could lose it all as quickly as I gained it all if I am not deliberate and nurturing. Fiercely. Forever.

I choose to keep it .

I choose I make it all matter .
To make them matter
...and myself matter

We all Choose this.

What choice are you making?

Noteworthy Other Bubbles

I get into big bubbles in my life often. I have work bubble/family bubble/friend bubble/ health bubble/ worry about scoliosis bubble/worry about Hubby bubble/worry about Mom health bubble/ summer bubble/winter bubble…the list goes on and on.

The family /friend/work bubble is the most consistent and constant and never really disappears but the rest often come and go. And when they appear they are strong and take over. For the moment I have been in strong “you have a new consultant career bubble that took you by surprise “bubble’. It’s taking a lot of my brain cell time these days.

So I am listing a few noteworthy other events and bubbles that happened lately or are soon happening that I don’t want to forget:

-Easter we celebrated a week late at my mom’s and it was such a nice and relaxed evening. She did a big hunt for the kids and in their big gifts of Choco bunnies they all found them with no ears!!! She had eaten them!!!! We all found this super cute and funny and then in the hunt they found the ears separately. My mom is so sweet and funny and good at this stuffJ)

-We had a family get together at Trent with my Mom’s side of the family. Was very fun and nice to finally get together again. My Mom organized a surprise for me and had a cake made looking like the cover of my book!!!! It was so sweet and the best cake ever and a card from all and a nice gift. I was truly so surprised and this was so touching and unexpected. I will remember it forever.

-Chase has a busy few months upcoming. Driver’s theory test next week and drivers licence test in June! Graduation ceremony and Prom coming up in June! Two summer jobs lined up for June! The kid amazes me and is growing up. We are impressed and proud  of him-so much going on in his life. Sec 5(grade 11) is no easy grade especially in the advanced math and science stream and he is holding his own-this stuff is not easy for him-but he is doing it. Go Chase!

-Hubby had a choir show at Place des Arts. I went with the kids and Didi. Over 100 person choir and full orchestra. It was really beautiful and a special evening for Hubby

-I am offsite all next week delivering a leadership program with the colleague I co-authored the book with. It will be and intense week and a fun one too. I love delivering this program- it is so impactful.

-I am busy these days trying to plan a lot of my life bucket list into 2015 given that my schedule is very different than it has been other years and may be in future years. Lemons to lemonade I say.

-Beauty’s dance shows are coming up middle week. She has a number of shows and they prepare big time for this. Weekends all day, all days after school, evenings, professional days. Their dance show is not an amateur thing. All tickets for all shows have been sold out most years and most to the public. Most of their teachers have studies at some of the most famous schools in NYC. I can’t wait to see our Girl!!!

-Bear is obsessed with HABS and the series. We can forget about any type of school schedule or routine at this time of the years. It’s just sort of a given that he follows the series-eats a ton of chicken wings at Cage aux sports and is not home or available during any games. That is the type of freedom you get to have when you have marks like hisJ

-Childhood Wonder and I had a great long road trip to Nanny’s funeral together and got lost many times! We had great talks and helped each other out in our lives. It is so rare to have that amount of time to talk to a friend. I really enjoyed it…it was precious.

-Hubby is taking up biking (ok he did it once ) but for him this is a big step. I am excited to see if he will take it up as a regular thing.

-I am really trying to find my way with technology. The more I am on email and texts the less I have time for anything else. Reading goes down the tube, blogging goes down the tube,  creativity goes down the tube. I am trying to set more limits for myself in evenings. The consulting route too is blurring it a bit-I need to change all my habits it is hard. This weekend I have put my phone away and email fully and although it feels weird-it feel so good too. Yesterday Hubby and I  went to cottage alone and read and napped and watched movies and ate and napped again. I love this.

-I need to trust the process for something more private in my life and I am trying to do this even though life has made it harder lately. I am trying to keep the faith, trust in someone I do believe in overall has good intentions and I have trusted immensly, trust that things will work out and go as planned and trust in this person and the process. Life has bumps along the way that can sometimes cloud our perceptions. I am trying to stay on track and believe that the universe will work it all out. This is who I want to be.

-Lastly-it is Mother’s Day next weekend and I am so desperately proud of my Mom. She despite major obstacles is doing some great work on herself this year and I am soooo proud of her. Next weekend we will celebrate with her and go to Beauty’s show with her and my Uncle and boys. Then Sunday brunch with Mom and family and Uncle Boo and then the cemetery to visit Grampy2 and Grandpapa is on-this will be interesting. (her specialty is taking what humans hate about their appearances and highlighting it in art while they pose naked). I am going for it and praying she will never ask me to be her model!! (we are not in touch very often but really want to see her show as she is very well known and want the kids to see this part of their family life)

Goodbye!!! Happy Sunday

I love him so incredibly much

I

This is going to be an over the top post full of lots of words that may sound exaggerated- but are not.

Tonight I spent a great couple of hours with my son Chase….and I love him so so so so much. Honestly is it possible to feel like this about someone?

I mean let’s get honest here there are many times in life and weeks and days and even hours that he drives me bananas. He is 16.5 yrs  afteralll..he is a teenager with an attitude. But there is something so lovable and precious about him it makes my heart melt. It has always been like this..Since the moment he was born…I felt like the luckiest person on earth.

Tonight was our second visit to the chiroprater which is 30 mins drive away. He has back issues and getting a few treatments. Also a bit of an experiment since he thinks he may want to be a chiro one day.

He doesn’t want to play music in car because he wants to talk and starts out with “how are things lately for you Mom?

Then he gives me advice about my driving

Then he opens the door for me

Then he has GREAT conversations with me

We talk about the other two :kids” and what they are doing wrong and right lately in their lives. We talk about how proud we are of his Dad for some of the obstacles he faced this year

He agrees with me on most things!!!

We talk about his girlfriend and he listens to my advice!

We talk about school, the future, girls, his friends, the chiro everything and it is so damn pleasant.

(I swear a few times so he can relate to me and he laughs)

We talk about our upcoming vacation and get all excited

We laugh in the chiro office when I have to close my eyes when his back gets cracked

We both agree the chiro is one of the sweetes t kindest men we have ever seen

We have real amazing conversations and laugh together and respect each other. And then both last night and tonight he comes up and hugs me from my back and kisses my cheek and says “do you know how much I appreciate you??”

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then he tells me how now in class people ask HIM questions about the notes and subjects and homework assignments because he is getting really good in school.

Often times I am with him it is not like this at all-he is in a foul mood or quiet or to himself or everything I do seems to annoy him. But tonight was our night and we clicked. There was nowhere in the world I would have rather been than there with him. Not Italy, not the beach, anywhere.Just at that Chiro with my son.

I have spent so much of my life worrying about this boy, loving him, fretting over him, obsessing over him. Letting him go. He has occupied more of my thoughts than the whole family put together  (until I stopped that unproductive behavior two years ago and now barely think or worry about him at all!.

He can honestly be the biggest pain in the neck on earth and lazy and disrespectful and preoccupied.He can be mean and impolite

But mostly? He is amazing human being. I respect who he is so much and the decisions he makes. I love watching him grow up before us.

And tonight he gave me more than a glimpse of who he really is and who he has become and who he will become. And I am so so excited to have him as an older teen and eventually as an adult in our livess. He will always bring us so much joy and happiness-of that I am sure. He always has……

In his subtle, lovable and charming way.

I will never forget tonight as it was the night I realized exactly who he is under the teenage façade much of the time-under the unruly long hair in the now half ponytail, under the stress of the exams……

I saw his heart tonight and will never ever forget it.

And I saw our relationship for everything it is.

My Village has Been Built

I remember a few years back looking at my life and knowing something was missing. I had a lot of very close relationships, and family relationships and friendships, but not close enough…for what my heart is capable of both giving and receiving.

And my family always came first. They usually took first place. I figured I only had a certain amount of love to give and be given and it had a cap on it. It was not overflowing.

And I realized I needed more. I needed my close friends to be like family to me and me to them. This already existed in some cases but not in others.

I knew very clearly I needed to build a village but I honestly had no clue how. I did not know how to start with new people or alter things with old people. I did not know how to give more of myself or become more supportable by others in receiving. I knew I was good…but I wanted to be great. I knew I had wonderful relationships in my life-but I wanted remarkable relationahsips.

I am there.

Of course this journey will never end. It will continue on and on and on as I grow. I will add to my village and be added to villages. But I have a village.

I often picture what would happen if I die. I picture my funeral. What life would be like for my family after I die? To some morbid-to me simply strategic. Planning. A good thing to do. It used to cause more anxiety than anything but now there is even some joy in there as I picture myself as an angel.

I picture a kitchen full of "aunties" at holidays cooking with my kids and husband. I picture friends taking my kids on trips with their own. I picture my kids being invited to camps. I picture my workplace doing something special for my loved ones. I imagine my husband and kids being invited to the same house every Sunday for dinner and drinks. I imagine a friend calling my husband every Tuesday night to talk and let him express his feelings. I imagine my village taking up where I left off as much as I want to be there myself.

And doing it out of love and not out of obligation. Love for me. And for the love we have shared together. And I picture me doing this too for my village with an open and loving heart.

I cannot believe I have been part of creating this beautiful orchestra. That I was able to see outside of my own family and my own comfort zone and create more. If that is even possible? Taking it to a next level? Exploring what the next phase will be?. Sharing this with others? Creating villages for others? Taking this passion and teaching it on a large scale? Teaching that we can never have enough love in our lives. Ever.

Oh the future is grand!  I can hardly wait!  But I know I must. Everything has a time and a place and the most successful of people choose that time and place very consciously. It is not my time for teaching. Not the way I want to teach anyways. It would take me way too far away from my villages right now that I desperately need.

I adore my current village. My main players of my husband perfectly and beautifully flawed and flawless my Protector and foundation of everything good, my three children which words would never articulate what they have given me and allowed me to give them. My closest friends; the one who loves me completely unconditionally and who has taught me this skill of acceptance and peace and the one who knows and loves me inside out and allows me to know her and love her inside out and with whom we grow our lives and families together in perfect synchronization. My friend who both develops me, and calls me forth and debates with me and challenges and cares deeply for me over soulvlaki, and my friend who is far away but in so many ways stays with me every single moment of every single day and who has changed me forever.

My adoring guy friends who one shares with me picture of his new love as a newborn baby and who treats me like a queen and the other who stimulates my intellect on a front I have never known and challenges my restlessness, and with who we share our passion for our precious families. My friends who we share couples and kids with and who we always have a next plan with, a next party, and next dinner; who are there thick and thin through everyday life and fundraisers of kids and parents beings sick.

My Mom: my village from the beginning. A single woman show that has provided more for me in one person than many villages can provide. She is always my Heartbeat. My brothers-one in that caring and loving and big brother way who has shared the joy of his family and life so well and so consistently with me for whom I have such a deep love and respect for. The other who has made me develop areas of myself because of my great love for him that accessed parts of my heart I never knew I had inside of myself. My sista in law who has given me the gift of her real, precious and adoring friendship. The Chiffon family who are everything and so utterly important in who I am and who I want to be as well as solid mentors for our children..

My husband’s village that we have built and built and built now up to a point where we could not live without their love and support. All the little cousins and cousins who hug us and adore us and run towards us. And his huge group of college friends who have become part of our important village and who we have shared our children with through great and now established traditions that are deliberate and cherished.

And my lunch and texting female community who are precious and wonderful and there for me instantaneously at small beep of a text or email. Who we share our kid’s marks with, and obstacles with and dreams with ,even if we see each other in person maybe only 5-6 times per year for lunches or dinners . Their friendships are priceless and support like oxygen to my lungs

And the many many others people who love us daily and monthly and dearly. Who allow us to be part of their lives.

And all the weddings we will attend one day! Oh joy!!!! I love weddings. All the kids of friends that we love for whom we are high enough on other lists to attend the most scared of events. I cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yes our village has been built and..(sigh inserted) as I write this I feel profound love. And pride. And peace. I have a village and so does my family. And I am so happy for this.

What built it in the end? What took me from great village a few years ago to remarkable one now? Vulnerability, sharing, communication, honestly and knowing my priorities. Fighting for the ones I love always. Never giving up. Belief. Building. Trust. And allowing my heart to expand beyond my family of five. Allowing myself to fully love and to be loved. Opening me and my family up to everything the world has to offer and taking it in breath by breath-filled to the brim with gratitude.

For what was..what is ..and what will be

Understanding that there are still future villages to build. We just don't know we need them yet. But we will. Having the ability to recognize what each phase of life needs; and being part of it's divine and beautiful creation.

My Religion

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”

  – Meister Eckhart

When I read the above..I realized-this is what spirituality is to me. This is what it means for me. In this definition, I have been religious my entire life. I have prayed fiercly and strongly and forever.

To be abundant in life...to be grateful. To be playful and thankful and gracious. To be a good wife, mother, daughter and friend and truly love and show love to those around me.To take their precious lives with the same care and attention I do my own and the same urgency of emotion.As often and as well as I possibly can.

To give and receive feedback and act on it.
To know with certainty that the moment we have at hand is one of the finest we will ever know.
Because we are alive..and healthy..and present.
Benevolant.
Abundant.
Full of Grace