Frontloading

I have always been a big fan of what I have termed “Frontloading”. I have referred to it often in my blogs.

Frontloading to me (and I think I may have invented this term-or forgotten that I stole it from somewhere) means having an attitude towards life that it is more beneficial to plan up front, expect the worst, plan for the best, and be as ready as possible for all of life’s challenges for ourselves, our couple, our children , our work and our life in general.

It means basically to do things daily that take quite a lot of effort on a continuous basis vs. only when a crisis hits.

We often see that when a crisis hits people convert to a frontloading style more often for the future. A heart attack brings on a dedicated diet and exercise regime. A divorce brings on a second marriage with a lot of care and attention to open communication, quality time spent and nurturing the relationships, the loss of a job brings forth a diligent matching of skills and passions so that the next job brings fulfillment and happiness, a child’s failed school year and summer school brings on excellent marks the following year in the same subject.

However as much as a fan I am of frontloading I also am aware that it takes a damn lot of work to do this throughout a lifetime and is exhausting!

But which is more exhausting doing smaller, deliberate things everyday or dealing with massive crisis periodically? And also there are many situations that cannot be frontloaded at all or prevented…this clearly only covers part of life’s crisis.

So as I get deeper and deeper into my Happiness Project I tend to talk about happiness more with my colleagues, my friends and my clients. What makes them happy?  What depresses them?  Can they influence their life circumstances before they happen? What can they do? Will Frontloading help?

So as I analyze this I look at examples from my own life where I know a lot more Frontloading could be of benefit in the future but I have not committed to it yet in these cases.

Exercising. I am often on and off committed and then waver. I have friends just as busy as me who exercise 6 days per week religiously! Hmm…which one of us is more likely to fend off health problems in the future…?

Religious instruction for my kids. I have sucked in this area. Have barely even spoken to them about the notion of believing or not believing. When they want to marry a Catholic partner in 15 yrs. and they have not completed 2 out of three of the sacraments-who are they going to blame? Or when they say “Mom-what religion are we exactly or are we religious at all? Who’s fault will that be?

Or having a tidier house on a day to day basis. I mean who wants kids who turn into wives and husbands who don’t scrape their plate into the garbage as they leave the table or that still eat salad with their hands at 14? Who’s fault will it be when the new wife says “love this guy-lots of values but can he use a fork please-can’t handle the table manners ADIOS!”

Or the bigger things that I have definitely not frontloaded on, such as keeping my temper in check at home in front of my kids when I am furious with my husband, or not using an irritable or sarcastic tone with my family almost on daily occasions. That I choose not to invest my time into fixing that but framing pictures for our walls instead?

Now for the things I have Frontloaded on that I think have made a major difference.

I pay attention to the relationships around me. I think I have fended off divorce many a time by the effort we put into our relationship together. Talking, discussing, seeking help, aligning, etc…this is a huge effort and takes up a lot of time neither of us have, but I think it is a key factor in the success of our relationship. We don’t fix what is broken, we try to catch it before it breaks (which is often!!!)

This is surely not to say that all relationships can be saved by Frontloading-but I think it is an important factor to consider as we get married, have kids and build a family. There are so many things we can do upfront to make our chances higher of staying together higher (if that is what we want).

I pay attention as a daughter, as a friend, as a sister, as a niece and as a wife and mother. Most of the time anyways. And when I don’t …I am very open to hearing about it and changing it as soon as I can. I am very aware of the relationships around me and the importance of sustaining them. Of the happiness they provide me and my family and also the support network for us for the future. I would say relationships above all come first in my life above anything.

Sometimes certainly some before others, but those are conscious decisions. Also I know when to give up, or give a little less-when the relationships are just not where it needs to be and I can’t see that changing. This has been something I have learnt more carefully over the years through different experiences-where to put my relationship energies. Where I get the most happiness is usually the answer for me. Relationships need to be fulfilling for all parties involved.

And all the little frontloading tasks that I do all day long to defend off future danger –either real or perceived, that take up so much time, but that I hope will prevent crisis in the future. Having my kids do homework in an organized fashion, having them contribute around the home, reading books on subjects that matter to me, taking the time to give and receive feedback, making sure legal papers are in order, saving money for the future, meeting with financial advisors yearly to look at our future situations, spending quality one on one time with the kids, having family meetings, ensuring kids eat healthily, making sure all of us have dentist, doctor appts every year, investing in braces for my son. Etc…ETC..ETC….

The list is honestly endless as I am sure that yours is too.

But the point is focusing on not only the “TO DO” list only, which I call the survival list. Focusing much more on the longer term thinking list.

The “What If” list

The “Just in Case” list.

And to do so takes tremendous discipline because the survival to do list calls to me daily and often overrides the future list.

But I believe strongly that success is a balance of the two equally, each day and every day and not just once a year when it is time to make new years resolutions!

So I sit back recently and analyze all this stuff a lot as I see myself struggle with it, and I see friends think about it and clients seek help on it.

I think often people who have had more difficult childhoods tend to be bigger Front loaders. They have an innate instinct to fend off danger. They don’t assume life will be a bowl of cherries at all and they do everything in their power to stabilize their lives. I have observed adults whose childhoods were more stable an which the parents were very involved and did a lot for their kids, then to be less Frontloading in their adult lives. They tend to expect the best and not be as afraid of what the future holds. That is what I have observed.

What I have also seen so far is that people who don’t Fontload a lot are often happier and more joyful and peaceful on a more daily basis…until they hit a big crisis. And then their crisis seems at a certain point to be stronger, and bigger and more frequent.

The people who Frontload a ton, are more stressed and wound up on a daily basis, have less time to smell the flowers, have a lot on their mind and their plates. When a crisis hits they seem to be able to have an easier time dealing with it. Crisis comes less often, are less frequently and are managed in an easier way.

And of course we don’t even think of including crisis which have nothing to do with Frontloading such as matters of health, death, massive problems with children’s health and welfare etc... These things are just awful unfair acts that occur to people no matter if they frontload or not.Clearly.

So lately as I find myself debating if I want time to smell the flowers more often, or more deliciously, or have more time to turn my brain off and live life to the fullest in the present. Something seems to always hold me back from converting (and my husband to)

We ask ourselves “At what expense?”

Are we willing to cut something out of our lives such as taking 2-3 full days a year to compile family albums, frame pictures and send pics to friends and family of important events that bring us and then happiness? Not sure...

Are we willing to save less money and spend it now? And then have one of us or our children get sick (knock on wood!) and not have the means to pay for exceptional medical care?

Are we willing to not put as much family effort into weekends and family times where we have to think about ingredients for the next meal, go get it, cook with kids etc…. Not so sure as I only have them for a limited number of years with me and want to spend as much time quality with them as possible.

But it may be that all of these things are wearing us down too. A need to evaluate where we are placing our energies and really ask ourselves and agree on if these these are important and urgent for us. To perhaps continue on the same path and lessen our load a little?  Maybe care a little less? Be a bit more “Whatever”.

Four people in the last week have said in some form or another to me when I ask “how do you find the time to get done in your life all that you need to do”? They have all answered in different ways but come back to the same point “It doesn’t get done.”

And if they are willing to live with the consequences, then I think their choices are inspirational. If they are not that is a whole other ballgame.

I think in life there are two ways that breed success:

1-You don’t frontload and are willing to accept the consequences

2-You frontload in life and are willing to accept the work, detail and devotion it takes

I think  these two above statements, in different forms, lead to success and to peace and joy ultimately in people. This is what I have observed.

So for the moment I choose to continue trekking away, as I know that I will never be able to accept the consequences of something I did not try to fend off if it is unpleasant. I am just not wired that way-although sometimes…..I wish I were.

Or I just move to a place where all I do all day is read, swim and suntan on the beach, go for a run in the morning, and have a nap in the afternoon. End the day with a beautiful homemade dinner made with tomatoes I have picked and basil I have grown in my garden. Be cuddled and adored at night in the bed we lovingly share. Have a full 10 hours of sleep on my carefully ironed linen sheets and dream of the next lucious day.

And give up my 3 kids for adoption who are the main cause of my Frontloading! Never!

Know and Go After What you Want in Life

You know those Dreams you have?

When they try and speak to you…listen closely..very closely.

Don’t sell your dreams short. Work towards them. Work with them. Don’t deny them.

Dreams aren’t always easy to achieve, but always worth it to pursue in the end. If you know what your dreams are, you will achieve them.

Obstacles are always a part of dreams. Part of achieving our dreams in life is experiencing the path to get there. Being part of the process.

Dreams don’t come along that often.

When they do, seize the moment. Stand up and take notice. Let them in.

Make them happen.

They belong to you.

Claim them as yours.

Advice for my Child

It is red and purple and takes over half of her lovely face.
I have no idea how it got there and likely never will.

When I see her, for the moment I see the burn. So do all the kids in her class.

She is “the girl with the burn on her face”-that is who she is. Why is that so? Why don't we they call her by her name? She must have one..of that I am certain.

What about the other half of her face-where did it go? Do people still see it? Does she still see it herself?

She has a breathtakingly beautiful face.

Imagine that the burn became part of her instead of all of her.
Imagine that the people and the kids looked toward her and not away from her.
Imagine people could see beyond her burn. See this lovely child's face?

How could that happen? Could it be to look her in the eye and ask her directly what happened to one side of her skin? Could it be to acknowledge that half her face has been burned? Could it be to articulate her reality in words to her directly?
Let her hear you aloud? Words spoken instead of hushed.

Why pretend her face is not burned and ignore it? What purpose does that serve? She clearly knows her face is different and she clearly knows you know too. So why is it so hard to acknowledge?

Why exactly is that?

Is it her fault because she does not invite you to by her body language and words-does she keep you at a distance? Is it your fault because you can't find the courage and face your own fears about how this burns scares you or makes you feel?

When did it become so hard to see someone for who they are?  Why do we protect ourselves at the expense of other’s feelings? What has happened in this world?

Why would we allow a simple burn to define someone? Why would she even allow that happen to herself?

But the story becomes beautiful..with simple steps. And lucky you get to change that, if you choose to my sweetheart.

If you were to  acknowledge her difference, if you talk about it, if you accept it, if you see it as part of her and not something that happened to her......that you will set her free.

And there is nothing better in life than feeling free.

You get to see her in a way that is way more beautiful than she probably would have been without that burn -and she gets to see you for who you are too and not for the person why is desperately trying not to notice who she really is.You get to be you and she gets to be her. All because you saw, you spoke and you surrendered to the truth.



All the sudden she is not a burn. She is a girl just like you.
And just like you she is beautiful some days and not so beautiful on others.

Wouldn't it be lovely if the world was full of people accepting others for who they are in totality? For not denying in others what is theirs and embracing them fully

So just look at her. All of her. And soak her in. Let her know you are staring because she may just be the sweetest thing you have ever seen. Get curious and ask all of the questions that are floating around in your head.
Because in the end with you freeing her, you get to be free too.

And what a wonderful place to be..for both of you. Especially that you made a choice and chose to be there. And she did too by accepting your gentle invitation.

And in life it is the leaders who call the shots. It is the leaders that others decide to follow. People like you.

Take the first step and lead.

Be With People Where They Are

More and more this is becoming a mantra for me.

Right up there with Trust the Dots will Somehow Connect and Come Complete with Capability.

The older I get-the wiser too. This is a hidden gift of turning 40 I think; we use our brains more. Maybe because we have slightly less beauty to rely on? Or to be fair a bit more middle aged beauty to rely on?

We begin to realize that people in this world, close and far away from us…are really all over the place. In any given day despite what place we are in, the people surrounding us may be in completely different spaces. One could be overjoyed, the other sad, the other depressed, the other elated, one being laid off, one getting cancer, one winning the lottery, one having a new baby and another giving one up for adoption.

Talk about different perspectives that all these people may have based on the own personal situations!

A friend the other day re-counted a tidbit from her life, that I found so confusing on many levels. She seemed surprised that I was surprised, but gave little thought to the place I was with little context she provided with her news. She made the assumption that I was where she was-that I had any understanding of her unique situation and context.

I do that all the time to people. What you don’t understand how irritable I am right now-I mean I just saw my Dad in the hospital! You don’t get why I am short with my kids-I have been with them alone all week! I have little time for our relationship right now of course you understand-we just went through reorganization at work!

Have some compassion!

But really what we need to say is:

Let me explain to you and provide clarity. Try to be with me where I am now.

So the last few weeks I have been very aware of where people are and how to be with them in that place. People seem to feel more comfortable and better when I am in the same place as they are-or try to be anyways.

So in the last few weeks I had had some conversations with friends where in my head I am struggling to catch on, or to see that point of view, or to comprehend what is being said…I suspend judgment and just listen. To ask questions that from their point of view rather than mine. To get into their heads a bit-even if their heads don’t necessarily make sense to me.

And therin lies the dilemma right? Most people seem to have the ability to listen well and reflectively and really be there for others. Quite a few people are good at that.

But are there many people who are capable of really challenging someone or having them think of things in a completely different way? Those are personally the people that I want to be beside me.

Challenge me! Play devil’s advocate! Disagree with me! Teach me something!

I would likely less welcome someone trying to be with me where I am. Sometimes, for a short while that can be helpful…but more importantly Take me to a new place. A place I have never been before. Don’t leave me stuck going around and around in circles.Help me! Save me S’il vous plait???

Tough love took me to some incredible places. It made me do things I would have never been able to see or do had I not been pushed firmly by a caring and courageous friend.

But I am already good at tough love already, so what I need to be better at is being with people where they are. The combinations of the two would likely been the most powerful. I will aim for that.

So as I lay in bed the other night I asked me the question “And what if the place someone is, is not where I want to be” and my answer was clear….don’t go there.

Leave them in that place nevertheless. Not in a bad way, but in a kind way. You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Nor should you be expected to be. There are some situations and contexts where you just won’t be useful, or be able to be where they may want you to be.

And that is perfectly ok.

Him and Lucky Us

He’s the kind of boy that looks at little newborn babies and can’t help a sweet little smile on his face because he is so consumed with their cuteness.

The type of child that will ask you as you come home from work “How was your day Mom and  Dad?” and really care and be interested in the answer.

The perfect host he offers for guests to sit down, offers beer, ice and asks all the questions belonging to the adult world. How are you? Your work? Your kids? What is new in your life and work lately?

He is deeply passionate about the sports he excels at. If he decides his passion is golf he will pronounce that he will be golfing everyday he can-Alone-and he will actually do it.

He is organized and neat. His presentations and his projects look like something I still at my age and level of career don’t have the ability to pull off so well in such and organized way.

He is popular both with boys and girls. Everyone wants to be around him, and adores him. For the most part he could not care less-he is a loner in so many ways. He will seek out his friends often, but also loves his own company, He can play hockey or ping pong by himself for hours.

He has this “cool factor” that he has really developed over the years. This personal sense of style. The pants that hang “just so” below his hips, his stylish hair either long or short-his golden highlights that catch your eye and the deepness of his very light blue eyes. His socks that are always each a different color on purpose, and his bright T-shirts that bring out the sparkle of his eyes. He went from not caring about clothes for many years to coming into his own as far as style is concerned.

He got kicked out of daycare at 10 months old and faked our signature on a bad note the teacher sent home. He wins award after award for exemplary behavior at school and camp but has been on detention often.

He has a heart of gold and a will of steel. He can turn on you like the biggest summer storm. He is grateful for everything he has on a daily basis but ran out of the house at Christmas because I bought him a blanket as a gift and he hated it.

He is a very complicated fellow…until you figure him out fully.

He is high maintenance on certain days and a piece of cake most days of the year.

For his Godmother’s birthday he biked all the way to the store and chose her two favorite chocolate bars that he paid with by his own money. He said that 40 is a special number and it should be celebrated. He wrapped a nice note around them with an elastic and sent it off by mail.

He absolutely, positively adores his big brother and reminds him often. He looks up to him in so many numerous ways even though they are so very different on many levels ways. He has decided to wear to his upcoming graduation the exact same outfit that his brother wore two years ago-including the same exact pants. He does not think this is strange in any way..he admires his brother’s fashion sense and he wants it too for this important event.

He is deeply affected and attached to his little sister-he used to be sad and ask why she did not show she loved him in the way he needed. We worked on the relationship between them and tried to lessen the competition and increase the warmth and they are now very, very close and bonded and show it often. Still fights of course and competition, but they are also each other’s playmates. Badminton and basketball are their new pastimes together. He anxiously awaits her homework to be done so that she can play outside with him.

Recently when a friend’s Father died, who amongst two sons also had a 10 yr old daughter..he shook his head over and over in sadness repeating “imagine Beauty if that happened in our family..imagine her losing her Daddy…that would be awful….she needs her Daddy-she is just a 10 yr old girl” He always puts the feelings of others in front of his own.

He has a sweetness and gentleness about him that is beyond words. On a plane he will gently take my hand and massage finger by finger, so softly, so gently like the touch of a butterfly. The movement and gesture so unexpected and out of the blue. His affection can never be fully predicted.

As he watches TV-he will fall asleep in my lap and as sleep begets him he will turn his face to me, look up at me and gently smile as he falls asleep. He will gently take my hand and out it to his face so that I can rub his eyelids to sleep. He is tender and affectionate and loving.

He will truly, truly be the most beautiful husband for a lucky girl one day. I cannot even imagine how well he will treat her. He is his Father’s boy.

He already has the song picked out that he will use to propose to his one day bride and knows he wants at least 3 kids. When he visits other people’s babies he comes home and says that either I or his Dad has another or he is having them early in life.

He is AMAZING with children. He is a wonderful teacher, a gentle instructor and has already won camper of the summer 4 times in a row at summer camp that has guaranteed his employment as a teenager and young adult at their camp.

He is a committed scholar and dedicated to his work. When he is not challenged he tends to care less and his grades can go from very good to brilliant depending on his mood.

And his mood is key in this and in his life. Everyone who loves him has had the urge to slap him across the face more than once throughout his lifetime. He has been dragged to his room screaming many a time, and left out in the cold when he has had fits. He is annoying as hell sometime and exasperates his Mom, his Dad, his Didi and his sitters. He is a hard one to control or reason with even……unless you control or reason with him in a way that he agrees with.

For about an hour once every few months he becomes someone hard to live with and then he goes back to his lovable self for the next few months. It’s always shocking.

I think it can be so intoxicating to live with him and also so frustrating at times because he is a child that belongs to the world..and not really to us. He will be a leader in this world in whatever way he chooses. It’s hard to live with a leader. We learn so much and so often from him.

When I first saw him and he came home from the hospital he cried, he cried and he cried. He had this little tiny face that looked up at me and my husband looked at me and said “This is the boy who will take care of us when we are older-it is him”. 

I can’t even believe I was dumb enough to have initially wished he was a girl.

I cannot even begin to imagine our lives without exactly him in it.

He is his Dad’s “mini-me”. On our trip we discovered that even more so. He has his Father’s gentle manners, thoughtful ways, tender devotion, perfectionism, organization.  He hates seeing money spent although his good tastes are in need of money. What he has more than his Dad (and his Dad says this all the time himself) is the self confidence and assurance that Hubby never had-that his parents never fostered in him or acted upon. This takes our son’s already wonderful traits to a whole new level and his Dad is glad for it.

What has made me so in awe of this boy and our relationship is where he and I have come to together. Every single day growing closer, more bonded, because we are both committed. Figuring out how to best speak, and debate and agree and disagree. He and I have had to work to get the orchestra right and it is now turning into the symphony we have both always deserved.

He is my middle child. That yummy cream between the two chocolate wafers.

Out of possibly anyone I have ever met in my life….I think I may respect him the most if that is possible of a 12 yr old?

Ultimately, he has ended up teaching me the most. I could learn way more, I feel humbled and honored to call this little guy my son .This brilliant, wonderful, golden and gorgeous, caring, empathetic, athletic and hard headed wonder.

I believe that his Dad and I have a lifetime ahead of us of joy that this child, teenager and adult will bring us. With a whole lot of bumps along the way…to bring him to his full potential.

I could just eat this kid up he is so sweet.

I love my Bear forever and a day. Always and forever.

Hello Angry Bird! Boule-Boule.

And yes my boy……some things in life are just meant to happen that way. It will all be perfectly ok. You will see. Sometimes life has a way of getting us to where we need to go. Things happen for a reason. Isn’t that comforting?

Thank you so very much for making me and your entire family better people. For bringing out our hearts and souls and for loving us so tenderly. Thank goodness we all have you to even us out a little bit more.

Thank you most for saying you will always come home for Sunday dinners your entire life…..that has always been my biggest dream and I know that I will have that to look forward to our whole lives.

Love, Mommy.

(It's been Bear's Blog Year-surgery, trip and now Gratitude! Yay middle child for lots of attention!! Started with my gratitude for Chase last year, now Bear and next is Beauty)!!!

Life is a Series of Sprints

I often used to think that Life was a Marathon. And that all my Sprints were the wrong way

I was proven wrong.

One of the best Wellness courses I have ever attended recently confirmed to me that the most successful way to run life is through high performance, recovery, high performance, recovery. And not the traditional road of sustained mediocracy that leaves us both breathless an unsatisfied.

 I always thought that I must be getting it wrong, as so few people I am surrounded by actually do life this way. The marathon was seems to be much more popular.

Sprints have always come naturally to me, and since being married and having kids to me both and my family.

 We have also been really good in general at recovery time, but need to tweak this  a bit more to ensure our recovery time is meeting all members of the family needs and not  just mine! Talking, chatting, sleeping by the fire or on a boat, is my way of recovering but may need to throw in a bit of gardening, golf, and fixing TV if I really want to master this (and stay married)!

 We run our life very often in terms of seasons. Spring and Fall are CRAZY. All we seem to do is work, both at home and at work itself. Preparing the houses for summer, getting skis and skates organized for the Winter, the lists go on and on and on. Weekends don’t  provide a lot of recovery time in these two seasons but we try to get in some time in the evenings. We also end up seeing a lot of our friends at this time as we are not at the cottage as often.

But Summer and Winter are our times. We sprint like crazy during the week, but try to seriously recover as much as possible on the weekends and enjoy. The snow, the lake. All the beauty around us in nature. We try to book a lot less in these seasons on the weekend and recover from the full weeks we have. We protect our time like crazy at the expense of many things.

 If I look at the last 16 yrs. of my life since I have been married, I can predict pretty precisely our sprints and recovery as they generally happen around the same time of year every year. I think we have taken the same week of vacations for years and years and years! Had pool parties the same weeks. Did our Spring Cleaning on the same weekend. Kids  birthday parties and cookie bakes all pretty predictable. We know which nights we work late in general and which nights we are at home in general. Of course exceptions come up-but we most go according to schedule a good part of the time.

 Boring??? Maybe for some?  Lack of spontaneity-I think so for certain. Does it work for us? Absolutely yes!

 Our schedules and planning have provided massive comfort in our lives solely because it all leads to more leisure time, getting important things done and making time for the most important activities and people in our lives on a consistent basis.

 We are often stressed and exhausted, but then we get a recovery break and fuel our bodies, souls hould and minds before we go back to the stress again. That is the difference. If you don’t see us or hang out with us during these recovery times you might think our lives are a bit messed up because of how busy we are. But if you hang out with us at the lake, you would see just how capable of pure relaxation we truly are. The planning and the schedules and the organizing, all of those moments really get us all the rest too.

Get good marks in school=better career and more financially comfortable lifestyle later on

Save $ to RRSP or Savings-less stress if something unpredictable occurs and not need to take on a second job\

 Clears out the closets in Spring-more time to relax with friends in summer

 Focus on important projects and big deadlines in colder weather-margaritas by the pool in warmer weather

Blackberry madness in the airports on the way home, more relaxing day at work upon return

 Kids do extensive chores=less work for us to do

 Spend time with kids doing list as schedules during weekend=weekdays much smoother and less chaos.

 So I have decided that I will never be able to run a marathon-nor will my life ever resemble that. I am quite satisfied with my sprints; I actually rather like them.

I am glad my Hubby and my kids seem to be right there with me on our 5km runs through life. Hard to prepare for, difficult to sustain and plan for, out of breath during, but a whole lot less tiring than a constant marathon. Get it over with,,,,relax and then sign up for another one at a later date. Often.

 Ask us what we did on a weekend? We will always remember, and always be able to tell you.

Simply because after sprints-weekends really matter. In every way possible. I asked my husband in Italy..”Do you live your life vacation to vacation?”

 He said: “No-I live life weekend to weekend.” 

That made me really, really happy.

Heavily Medicated

This weekend I am having some not so great times even if the weather is totally hot and beautiful.

I am sick. Have been for last 6 days and just keeps getting worse and worse and

now flu is turning into throwing up and the whole bit. My Dr (and Mom) have implied that is what happens when you are sick and just keep going and going without breaks to sleep and rest. And you keep working full force  and not even

take a couple of hours off to sleep in a bit or come home earlier  through horrible cough, fever, sinus stuff, major headaches throwing up and anything else you can think of.

Come to think of it-I was actually extremely productive at work this week! What Is wrong with me??

 So this weekend I am trying to sleep and rest. I just feel so entirely overwhelmed with my life and my to do list. Whenever there is a change of seasons I feel like I cannot keep up. I feel like saying to the sun and lake-stop

tempting us we have so much work to do-we aren't ready for summer just yet!!!

Leave us alone-we have no time to bbq, and boat, and sit and watch the sunset or golf-or anything else fun.

Such a joy I am eh?

And then I become irritable with the kids because I am overwhelmed and sick and feeling crappy where really it has nothing to do with them. Can't they just laugh a

little quieter (or not at all) when I am trying to sleep all day? It's so hard to have kids when all you want to do is be alone, have peace and quiet and forget you have a million responsibilies. They are a constant reminder of all

three.

I really get on my husband's nerves when I act this way. Poor Guy.

I think I have obsessive compulsive order sometimes when it comes to Organization. It’s like I can't enjoy summer unless I have all my sun creams bought, mosquito repellent lined up and my bathing suits selected for all the good times. I think I must be a bit psycho. I wish I were not like this (and I

am certain my family would agree!!!)

I also wish my perceived "obsessive compulsive disorder" would reach the dirty dishes in the sink piled up and my clothes strewn on the floor in my bedroom. It

seems to be a very selective disorder for me!!!!

Right now up here in bed-I am even driving myself crazy and irritating myself! Thank goodness one of my girlfriends lent me a really steamy romance-apparently the rage right now even sold out in bookstores. Not sure this is the right book for me right now given my physical and mental state but I am willing to try anything at this point.

On top of everything my Mom just canceled our girl weekend in June at Trent as she predicts there will be too may blackflies and they hurt her. My only choice is to have her here all weekend in head to toes bee-swat team armored with a big mask over her face and netting covering every inch of her body. Somehow not the

relaxation and serenity by the lake I imagined us having given that I won't be able to make eye contact with her of hear what she is saying through her layers of nets!!!!

So like anything else...I hope tomorrow is better. Often all the many people in the world need is a good night sleep before life becomes more manageable, more

enjoyable and sweeter. Sometimes we need that 8 hour pause (or 5 hrs often in my case-therein lies the problem) to give us that fresh perspective we are craving.

So although today should be great as beginning of long weekend at Trent-it sucks. Today I suck.

Thought I would write about it...since that is what blogging is about right? The good days..with a handful or two of crappy ones mixed up in between (aka: LIFE).

Blogging is liberating when you write about this stuff.

It reminds me..and you...that all of us...have a whole lot of crap going on in between all those fairytale moments I choose to write about most of the time.

Goodnight!

(PS-just so everyone understands how wierd our family really is....the evening got better after I wrote this. Wrote this 10pm and sat down to DINNER 10:25pm with our three kids. Not a small dinner either, lobster entree, moules and

frites with tomato garlic sauce, homemade tabouleh and chocolate cake!!! Our daughter took breaks between courses to sleep on the couch)!

So even on the worst of days I can't get my act together to just..go to bloody bed and be normal and eat at 6pm like the rest of the nation.

But somehow this meal, at this crazy time of night, with these crazy people...reminded me just how much I love being part of this family and this home. Tomorrow I will definitely be in a better mood.

PSS-Now it is tomorrow and I am in a much better mood-and finally feel a bit better too. Did a whole bunch of physical work around the cottage, drove two

boys to golf course and hung around in the lake and on the dock with my other boy and girl-generally just enjoying life. Back on track!