Egg Casserole in the Oven

I realized today that the just because I am not very domestic, that there is nothing wrong with me!

After years of wondering why I don’t crave to bake a pie, or tend to a garden, or why I find it so easy to delegate laundry, or why my husband when he hides a gift puts it in the dryer to ensure I never find it…..I have realized precisely why I am this way.

It is because I have a job! And three kids! That is why.

One morning this week I basically had nothing to do. Most of my family hit the slopes at 8am and it was just me and one sleepy child. Do you know what I did? What I actually enjoyed doing? I did dishes, and changed all the sheets on the bed, and made a salad, and made some stew (ok defrosted some stew..let’s not get carried away here)

I even had time for a long cuddle on the sofa with Bear. We checked out the snowflakes.

It continued on into the night. When I took the sheets out of the dryer, I basked in the smell of their lemony scent; I took pleasure it the warm feel of them on my cheeks. I took a leisurely shower and took time getting dressed. I blow-dried my hair to a silky shine. Eventhough I had a house of fifteen sleeping over here. Eventhough.

Because I am on holiday! That is why!

I am normal, I am a Mother, I am human, and I am just very very busy doing other things most other days of the year!

Things that I choose like big budgets, and teams, and politics, and speeches and presentation and coaching.

Will I give it all up for laundry? Never! Will I give away two of my kids to have more peace? No!

But I do like domestic tasks sometimes on holidays. I enjoy doing them. Because I have time to. Wow. What a revelation.

So one day…one day far off in the future I might just the bake the cupcakes from scratch baking type. I might change my beds every day and fluff my towels for fun. Iron a few t-shirts here and there. Sharpen the pencils that are dull. Get out those Christmas lights at the back of the closet and hang them up because they blink. Buy a fresh baguette every day and eat it with some pea soup.

Maybe one day I will do that. And maybe one day I will enjoy it.

But I made the realization today that it is not going to be now and that is ok too!

I am normal.

And when I am done bossing…and creating….and coaching….and wanting…I will sit down at a table and break some bread.

That time will come, far far away from now.I realize that if I wanted to….I could be perfectly domestic.

Yes I most certainly could.

Gosh lemon laundry smells fresh doesn’t it? And nothing like a clean white duvet over fresh sheets is there? And a banana chocolate chip muffin. Yummy.

Mitten Strings for Me

There are two things my kids do in life that please me immensely:

The first they do often and frequently and the second very seldomly.

Eating and Reading.

I have never had any regrets of not being a stay at home Mom..ever. Today however watching my kids make their snacks after a day of skiing around a big kitchen counter at the cottage, I started to realize the pleasure I have likely missed at 3pm daily! Yogurt, followed by crackers and cheese, followed by two toasts with our homemade “creton”. Topped off by a may west and a big glass of milk. No wonder at suppertime they eat like birds-now I get it.

I loved seeing the preparation of the food, eating the food, their pleasure and their conversations. I love seeing my kids eat good food and enjoy it. Would have been amazing experience if I could have seen them clean up the mess too..but I was not that lucky and had to call them back for that last step.

And reading by the fire…..I honestly don’t think anything satisfies me as much as my three kids and I reading for pleasure at the fire. It is soooooo rare and that hurts. Now after skiing I have imposed a no tv rule until 5pm. So that equals more ski jumps outside or totally as a total treat for me, reading with me all cuddled up under the blankets. Minus Hubby who is outside shovelling and blowing snow. A true but healthy obsession!

And reading is my life so to share this with my kids is heaven. I feel about reading the way I guess some people feel about cooking or gardening. I am so attached to it and in love with it, I just don’t get the notion that most people just don’t find the time for it in their lives on a regular basis. I would stay up until 2am if it means reading my favorite book! Or leave my house messy for guests! I read every minute I can manage. On skilifts, in ski cabins, in beds, in Jacuzzis, at doctor’s offices, on buses, in hotels. Anywhere and everywhere. Always. I never allow myself to read at work as that would be a huge distraction so it has to be off limits! And I never allow myself to read on a Kindle or I pad as that is way too modern for me. Nothing comes close to the feel of a good old fashioned book in my hands.

Today was amazing to see my kids read, They read many many books but they are always for school and that is just not the same. Outside of holidays and summer, there seems to be no time for skiing and reading..it is one or the other and skiing always wins.

So today made me happy. And it was a bit of a sad day on some levels as the whole gang for my beloved Uncle and Aunt’ss 25^th vow renewal left today for Jamaica. Of course we were invited and we debated to go or not go for many months. Our final decision was no because of many factors but it still made me sad a bit.

However when I saw the snacking and reading going on at my cottage and the pleasure I and the kids derived from it…I realized from the purest part of my heart that this is exactly where I want to be and should be at the moment. As tempting as Jamaica would have been and as wonderful as witnessing the ceremony would be for all of us….what we need to do a s family during the little down time we have it stay put. And ski. And snack and read. We need to bring as much simplicity to our lives in these turbulent times as we can and it starts right here at this cottage.

Choices. Often hard. Plently necessary.

The book I just finished and devoured “Mitten Strings for God” had my name written all over it today.

Simplicity. Nuturing. Sabbath. Choices. Taking Care of our souls. Understanding what they need and feeding them exactly that.

 

My Invisible to do List

One thing I love about Christmas is how many new books I get. I love all three I’m reading right now. Each book is magical and takes me to a different place. And each one I finish I have learned something new and quickly apply it to my life.

What I have learnt this time is all about invisible to do lists.

At first I thought that the last thing I need is to make mine longer, but have realized that maybe I need to focus more on the quality vs the quantity of mine. I have come to realize, especially as my kids become busy teenagers and my career demands more and more, that I will never ever even get close to achieving everything I want to to do on my do lists. I will never really feel in full control of them. And that creates stress and anxiety for me.

So it’s time to accept that fact and include other more invisible things on there that add more value. I already do this but I will now commit to doing it on a more conscious and deliberate level.

Since I won’t get everything done anyways might as well include more invisible pleasurable moments on there too right?. Moments like last night and rubbing cream lovingly on a cut Chase had. Taking the time to rub it in and rub his hair for him and have a little chat together. Or taking the 15 mins my daughter craves to map out exactly how she will end up marrying Justin Beiber right before bed in my bed. Or looking with Bear at his Facebook pictures and going outside in the snow and taking a few in his new ski jackets to select from.

It might be making sure to take that walk in the morning just because it feels good and not for exercise or texting a friend in the middle of a busy day just because you want to connect. A long and leisurely shower with a new body wash even if you should be rushing. 2013 for me will include a lot more “just because “ and less “shoulds”. The shoulds cause stress, the just becauses are lovely.

And to take the time to give people what they may need more often too. To go and stand outside at that doctor apt waiting for the walk in clinic to open just for company, or to call them and ask them about their daughter’s first word, because it makes them feel good.

As I look back on my life, it was the people who really nurtured me and my soul for whom I have the deepest respect really, the ones who always remember who and what was important to me. Dinner parties although fun and appreciated have less impact. Organizing, planning, calling on birthdays it is all super important but it needs the balance of the unexpected in there. Those moments that cannot be planned or called on. The moments that are invisible. But deeply remembered. The moments that people show you not out of obligation or out of duty..but out of love.

It all comes down to nurturing and being connected.

And as I read these books I feel a guilt, regret that I did not do more of this as my kids grew up, more smelling of the flowers, more appreciation of nature, more carefree moments. But I gave them other gifts and plenty of them and was smart enough to surround them with people in their daily lives who were more than willing to smell the roses with them.

And I think a lot has to do with our own childhoods. My theory is that first and foremost a child must be safe in the world and protected. They must feel that their parents are looking after them, and planning for the future, and taking care of their needs, and teaching them to make good decisions and looking out for the unexpected, Preventing crisis. If a kid feels that security he or he can move on to feel joy and peace and happiness. If he does not feel it..he will cave…or he will create it for himself.

I had beautiful moments of my childhood and a wonderful incredible Mother…but one aspect that was very hard for me was that I always felt like I had to be “on”. I had to plan for the worst, make decisions, and expect that crisis could come about at any moment. And fend it off and prevent it. Maybe it was in my imagination. And maybe it was not. Peace and joy and happiness were there, but outside of myself as a child, for others and I felt not for me in many ways. As an adult it has been extremely hard to change this about myself. My life was so  so much more weighted on the invisible to do lists than concrete learning it seemed to me…I was nurtured so much everyday but what I lacked was a sense of control around me that I had to ultimately create for myself.

I was loved endlessly, don’t get me wrong.But I did not feel led through an often very hazy maze.

I feel that kids who are raised in a very structured environment where the parents take on most of the burden or worry, and planning and organizing and life’s tough moments…..breed kids who can just sweat the small stuff. Who can be children and leave a lot of the worrying to their parents. I may be over structured in my own home and over compensating, but my hope is that my kids will feel a balance between structure and peace. That they will be able to achieve now and as as adults a balance between performance and achievement and peacefulness and playfulness.

I don’t know if the environment I have provided will achieve that but I can hope it will.

So as I move onto the New Year I am starting to get ready to say goodbye to part of my suit of armor. And leave it at the childhood door where it belongs. To allow my list to include the invisible, because god knows I have mastered the other stuff. And even if less gets done in a day, or a month or a year, that I leave that period knowing that many things crossed off were meaningful and wonderful and appreciated.

And now that the structure and foundation have been firmly set in our family…..maybe it’s time to start fully enjoying it all a bit more. The house has been built and it is decorated. Now it’s time to live in it fully.  I have spent so much of my life ensuring the  foundation is strong..it now needs to be tried and tested. My gut feeling? It is powerful and solid-it is finished being built.

And you know what? It is never, ever too late to change.

Get ready to see the very best parts of myself being offered right up to you on a platter if I love you enoughJ) It will be interesting to see who eats me right up. And what the future holds. I have been giving up control for years now. I think it is finally time for the finale.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Here I am blogging away when we have a house of 22 people arriving in 5 mins. This is how I know blogging is a de-stressor for me.

Christmas Eve was pretty much close to my perfect day and exactly what Christmas is for me. If we were not all sick-still after 3 weeks-I would have been able to enjoy every single delicious second…but I settled for most.

At Trent we went on a family skate in the beautiful forest. It is so incredibly beautiful there and we were close to the only people there too. Then we went out for pain au chocolates and hot cocoa at the bakery. At the cottage for some shovelling and skiing on the jump we created in the front yard and met up in the Jacuzzi all five of us with all the windows open. I loved that day.

Home to the city where my Mom was there with fondue and homemade soup and we just hung out. After dinner my Mom and I and the boys watched a very non Christmas type of movie (the three our elf brought hoping they would fall in love with for Christmas were not very popular with my kids!!) Hubby and Beauty went to mass at 11pm at the Catholic Church. I was sooooo happy that Beauty wanted to go with her Dad as it is really not my favorite thing on Christmas Eve but Hubby loves it. Most years we all go…..but most of us would way rather settle in in our new Christmas pyjamas and watch a movie. Hubby loves the music and the choir and so happy that Beauty and he want to go together. A tradition that works well for all of us!

The kids and adults all loved their new Christmas Pj’s and no one ran away. A great start!

And this morning although all still super sick (I am so bloody tired of saying this) we had a great Christmas morning. Everyone loved their gifts and we had hot cinnamon rolls in between.

I got so many nice gifts this year but may favorite was that my husband had all our old VHS tapes put onto DVD……amazing. So our wedding, the babies first years, baptisms, first steps. We watched about 30 minutes and I cried and cried and cried. For the simplicity and joy of those years, for my Grampa who I loved so much, for how young Hubby and I looked!!!

Just watching this one out of 20 videos was the highlight of my year. To look back and remember those moments..brought us so close…..so together…such incredible memories…..such wonderful and precious years that I never ever want to forget. Since we have not had a VCR in years it has been over a decade that I got to see my babies! All the videos I watch are from the last 5 years and it is just not the same to watch kids as it is to watch babies. There is nothing like watching your baby on a video. And your husband rocking him, and singing to her, and dancing with her and loving her. Precious memories.

And now a house full of people in a few minutes. Looking forward to that part too as lots and lots of little kids that still believe in Santa.

I reflected on my kids today at Christmas as every Christmas the same thoughts go through my mind: Very grateful, totally excited, very thankful, very wild, very entitled in many ways (even though they always say thanks), very hyper on vacation, better with the structure and routine of school days than on vacation, totally passionate, totally into life. Love them to bits and drive me crazy all wrapped up in one. Part of “V” in 2013 will just be accepting it all and loving it all as it is. I have to accept my family is often loud and chaotic. Yup.

And they are still, the same babies they were 15, 13 and 11 years ago. One is running in a circle biting his nails with the most beautiful face and smile you might ever see, one is softly following him with his blue eyes blond hair taking up and making his own unique space, and one is trying to fight and find her way amongst these boys…..pushing them away and pulling them towards her. None can ever be found on their own. All are usually rolled up in a wrestle or a ball half wrestling and have cuddling. My three bears. Always were-always will be. No one has changed at all it seems.

Merry Christmas to our old selves and our new selves. To the friends  and family alongside us in those old videos that are still in our lives now and to the friends and family that we will hold in our hearts forever through our memories and through now our DVDs which will never let us forget. We wish you all wonderful Christmas time in your family and very Happy New Years

 PS-Now about to go to bed. Guests have left. It was a beautiful Christmas. It was we had 8 children under the age of 8 here and it was so much fun to watch all the cousins. Our three are so good with them,,,,I love watching them take care of their little cousins. And we had our niece; Spanish in-laws here too so five people who did not speak English! Can’t wait to take those Spanish lessons at work soon

There are a few things about our yearly Christmas that make me proud and that I want to remember:

1-We always every year put a big effort and host. Each year the party grows. I love that our children see us do this. For me it is the true spirit of Christmas to go out of your way, to welcome people to your home. To share and offer what you have with others. To share your abundance and your blessings.

2-To make amends and to treat family with the utmost importance. Even if you did not always get it right it is never too late to start., Can you imagine that it would be possible that we would not have known these beautiful 8 children???????? I cannot imagine this….but it could have easily happened. I am proud that we know our mistakes, we know how to fix them, and we know how to make it right.

 3-I feel proud that our children are proud of us. That we always go beyond our own family of five and extend love to many others. Tonight one of them said to me “you guys are fabulous hosts-you make it all easy but we know it is hard”. Thank you for the acknowledgement child…trust me it makes it worth every single busy minute. And I hope you will do the same with your home one day. I want you to see us putting love into action and do the same as you have been taught. Thank you for noticing my darling.

 4-Would not be complete without a bit of a pity party. My husband is now sick yet again..with a new cold..a new fever….a new sore throat. It has been 3.5 weeks. I have it partially too…so do the kids..never ends. We need a serious break.  The  neve ending sickeness it seems Pretty Please? We deserve to have a little holiday too!!!

 Merry Christmas…it was a great one 2012!!!!!!!

Goodnight!!!!

PSS-And Elf on Shelf (aka Balz) made Christmas great. Thanks Sister!! He made me look forward to it and cherish it more. We will be sad to put him back in his box tomorrow. When my kids look for him they are wild, and chaotic, and fight over who gets to see him first, they whine when if he does not bring chocolates that day…so we probably don’t  have the ideal elf finding family, but he brought a little joy to all of us each day  nevertheless and I am grateful for that.

"V"

One of my BFF’s has three gorgeous kids under the age of 5 yrs and we have never ever gotten a Christmas picture of them, a Christmas card, a baptism card or a baptism invitation.

And each time I think about this…

I feel so envious and admirable of this girl!!!!!

I totally and sincerely look up to this so much. She is an amazing example of someone who really does live in the present, with her kids, with her husband, with her friends. She is out to prove nothing to anybody.

She takes her photos for her, and displays them for her. It’s for her. She keeps her kids gorgeousness for her. I have honestly not seen such a beautiful family. But she does not concern herself with the time spent on so many of the things others, including me, that we busy ourselves with. And that we create stress and havoc  with.

She is the most religious non religious person I know. She doesn’t need anything to guide her…….her goodness is enough.

So while I am sometimes  a bit sad to notsee a scrumptious photos of these three darlings, or have an occasion to wear my little black dress to with champagne in hand……I fully realize that these non-events and no cards are symbolic of this friend’s utter devotion to her life.

And that same devotion she shows her family she shows me too. You would not catch this girl ever checking texts or answering her phone if you are with her. She is yours when you are hers. She will put you before everything and everything going on in her own life when you need her and she will always make space for you. And if she cannot she will gently let you know.

You know that feeling when you are with someone but you know they are thinking about a million other things? Or when you are talking to them and their husband has something going on and so the phone is always next to them? Or when they are listening but always interupting just in case their kids need them (guilty as charged in some instances eventhoughI hate this quality!!!!) Why is it our kids always have to come before everything and anything else? I have to get better at that and quickly.

She is fully present in her life and this to me is the only goal I should ever have. And she chooses very carefully who gets to have her. Lucky me eh???

So for 2013…..I will choose a word. A letter actually. It will be easy because it is so simple to remember. “V” for her name. To aspire to become more like her, more peaceful and calm. Caring less about the future and more about the present, giving the gift of my prescence to myself and others. And having the confidence and security to never need to send a Christmas photo in hopes that someone out there will think me and my family are great. And knowing full well internally that they are. (I may still send one btw).

Knowing myself well enough to get the help I need, relying on my friends for support and understanding, telling people things I have never admitted to myself, and understanding that life comes with it a lot of punches and I better get with that program if I am going to enjoy the ride.

Finally being fully supportable by others…..since my life has been a long road of supporting others. And allowing that love and feeling of being loved to coexist with intellect and my own love for them.

Allowing others to see me fall.

And letting them catch me before it is too late.

Becoming the student before I become the real teacher.

Letting her not just teach me, but following her utterly lovely example of life.

Becoming somebody my husband is proud of for my heart and not for my mind.

Letting go of the need to protect myself.

Believing they will all still be there even if I slip a bit

Now that I have forgiven, the next step is to free myself of the weight of having to conduct the entire orchestra around me.

Letting go of the coping skills I mastered as a child, and leaving those behaviours at the front door.

Letting her lie down next to me and let me cry my heart out if I ever need to one day.

Letting them in.

 

 

Stay Away Sickies!!!

 

The other day I went to a neighbor’s house to drop something off and I saw the funniest thing on her door!

It was a big sign that said “If you have the stomach flu or lice go away!!!” With a big smiling face after

After checking my head for bugs and ensuring I was not puking, I rang the doorbell and asked her about this craziness . She said that every year she has guests who come year after year on Christmas Eve and ruin this precious time of year for her and her family. She did not sound very merry!

She said the first year it happened she had four out of town guest one after and other and all brought the gift of the stomach bug and hair bugs. She said she was stuck with it for weeks after they left since she has 4 kids and it went through their entire family. She said it was Valentine’s Day before they got healthy again.

So she said she is just not taking any chances anymore.

Although I thought her method was a little rude and direct also thought it was quite funny! I mean it is equally as rude to arrive with contagious stomach flu or head lice right? Change your plans and sleep at the hotel or leave the little sick one at home with Grandma.

I felt quite certain that her guests this year just might get the hint! Or never come back! I felt pretty sure that she might be spending a lot more of the holidays healthy and alone!

 

RollarCoaster

Sometimes as I read back on my blog I get the feeling I am manic depressive. And I know that is silly because I am perfecting healthy both mentally and physically but it has been bothering me lately as I read my blogs. My blogs are so up and down. One day I am elated and the next day I seem down in the dumps. Often about the same subjects, my husband, my kids, my life.

When you had a Dad that was mentally ill your whole life, you tend to worry about mood swings.

So am I going a bit crazy or am I just really, really honest? Am I over the edge or do I wear my heart on my sleeve? Is there any chance that it is not just my moods but that this is what real life is and I reflect my experiences accurately and with honestly? Or maybe I should go to the doctor and get my hormones checked? Sounds like a good idea.

I have always had a love hate relationship with blogs. With mine and with others. One one hand I find it such a self-centered creation, I mean who honestly cares about what my daughter did or did not do at school today or if so and so’s kid is excited to make peppermint cookies?Or does it matter what my view is on God or what the good neighbor’s view is on premarital sex is?

On the other hand I love blogs. I love writing them,. It frees me up inside and let’s all the good and bad stuff out. I love reading other’s blogs and taking a look into their lives and hearts to see what is there. I love seeing what people feel and what they are interested. And I do love reading about the mundane things in life and about kids, there is a certain comfort in it. But I know it is odd, and I know that blogging (just like Christmas elves) gets a bad rap from many.

I understand it, but I don’t also.

So as I read the 5-6 blogs that I read daily, there is envy in me for often what seems to be such simplicity in lives. For such bliss and happiness. For having the biggest concern of the day of what kind of cookies to bake in particular? Or when the biggest obstacle of the day is what to dress your adorable baby in.

And then there is the comfort those same blogs bring me. Of making me question my own choices and decisions and making myself a better Mother and aiming for the stars. At looking at my life and asking myself the question “How can I be at my happiest?”

And the scarier question: Am I there yet?

But maybe people reading my blog are envious of my life too? Maybe they look at it and wish parts of it were theirs? And just like I long for the simplicity of baking the peppermint cookies, maybe they long for the quality of my complex life? Because as far as I see it the more problems and issues you have, and the more emotions you deal with, and the more obstacles and challenges you come across, the more gratitude and emotion you feel, and places you go, and relationships that grow and break…the more fortunate you really are.

And the more you love, the more you lose.

And the more failures you have the and the more risks you take, the more wins you also get.

And often during these times in particular, cookies are just not on the radar for many of us.

And maybe they should be? And maybe they shouldn’t? I guess that is what each of us have to find out for ourselves right? That is what makes each of us unique.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my cyberspace readers and buddies. Thank you for putting up with me . As I see my traffic go up and up.....I am grateful that you are all still around. And happy that something about my sharing both the good and bad keeps you coming back for more.

I truly and sincerely appreciate it.

Grateful for the Return from the Apes

My little idiot gorillas all turned human again tonight)

One thing that is a huge advantage of being an over planner is that you always get done in advance. Even though I have 24 people over for X-mas…I am 90% done with Christmas preparations. Gifts are wrapped, food is planned, and table is set. It’s all done this way on purpose because I don’t like taking chances. Chances of being super sick, chances of last minute work deadlines, chances of big crisis. So I get it all done days in advance and then sit back and watch the chaos around me. It’s always been my method.

I feel like I can breathe again.

Sure there is still the other 10% but I feel totally organized and ready to enjoy my holidays and family as of Friday night.Phew…it’s been a loooong three weeks. I honestly don’t know if I have ever been as exhausted in my life.

But tonight they got their Mommy back. Long tuck ins, good talks around the table, little chocolate treats, kisses and hugs, girls talking about boys and boys talking about burping.

It is the little things about Christmas I love the most. Chase came up to me tonight and asked if I had a little extra something for his English teacher because he wanted to single her out and give her a gift be she is so nice. Of course I had something hidden away! (So what if he was giving it to her be he has a lunch detention tomorrow…he still had kindness in his heart!) So he asked me to wrap it with him. And it was so sweet just talking our time together and doing that. Such a simple gesture but so lovely. He made sure to write her name clearly and used a pen that would not smudge. He put the prettiest bow. It gave me insight into the man he will be and it made me proud. I love these moments. This morning it was waiting at the door with his schoolbag ready to give. This present represented so much of the love I feel for my son…it captured all the good in him.

Then Bear in Bed having me guess at my gift and I making him laugh with silly little jokes about all the coal and fruit I will put in his stocking. And how I bought him a blanket yet again for xmas (remember he ran away last year?) This little man makes my heart melt when he is human and not animalJ.

And then Beauty..oh Beauty…..so sweet. Telling me about the boys she likes at school and how the way she shows them she likes them is to roll her eyes and look annoyed. And she shows me what it looks like. So funny. I love this mother daughter stage; it seems that I must have dreamed it to life.Feels like I have wanted these moments forever and now they are here

And at the dinner table last night spoke about the shooting again. Read one of BFF’s blog to them and they learnt a lot. Read a blog that I liked less and shared what I did not like about it and got their religious input on that. And then said a nice family prayer for the victims and the parents of the shooting. And that felt good, and just like Heaven, even if I am very aware that it may just be for comfort in many ways..so be it. We felt comforted and united. Religion is slowly taking up a bit of space in our lives along with a lot of speculation and strong views I may have on the subject.

And then this week in the evenings the calls that I made to discuss the ADD diagnose with people who I care about and who care about me and our son. It’s amazing how grateful I am for these discussions. And all people I respect so highly and each offer a different part of themselves (nurturing, clinical. supportive, directive) Each think so differently too-go for the meds, don’t go for the meds, take it fast, take it slow, read no books, read all the books . And I soak it all in and take the parts that make sense to me.

Gratitude for me though and my ways. For handling this journey as I would any important project. With education, and diligence and thought. Attacking it from every angle. Never allowing myself to get so busy that I don’t have time for the most important parts of my life. For the parts that have the biggest impact in the future. So yes I have read 5 full books so far within the week and that makes me proud. (and not obsessive). Makes me proud that my kids can count on me to advocate for them while I still can and ensure that decisions that are taken are with the most carful consideration.  A friend asked me this week ”how can you do all this research with Christmass and work demands” My answer:

“How can I not?”

So yes my mood has shifted since my raising animals post. Relaxation is setting in. Work is tying up and getting done and performance appraisals for the years complete. Things are looking up as my stress level is finally coming down.I need to keep reminding myself during frantic times that real life always returns at one point or another.There will always be time to go back to normal right?

 (Now..perfect night so far. Watch someone throw up in the next few hours.  Feels too good to be true!)

 

 

 

 

Really? Was God There?

How can a parent possibly explain to a child why someone would go and shoot children in a school? It is the question that is being asked all around the nation at dinner tables as Christmas is also paradoxically anticipated.

How can this be? And how can we possibly explain this to our children.

Since it was my eldest son that told me instantly about the shooting that day-as with Twitter now-information is almost instant….I have since struggled with this subject.

In the last few family nights we have read articles about tragic events in the news and although hard, I think good for kids to discuss these and their feelings surrounding these awful circumstances.

The cyber world in the last few days is overloaded with advice on this very subject

A great blog that I read daily offered some advice on how to discuss with children, but I have to say I was very disappointed in her approach. Although she is usually someone who I look up to on her blog for advice with kids, her approach this time I found a real let down: “And may all those families affected by the darkness from last week feel that light from those around them, and from God who loves them dearly”.  And to top it all off a picture of her own perfect smiling family reflected in a Christmas decoration.

As much as I find it a good thing to look to a higher power in times of sadness, and would imagine it could be comforting on some level, I somehow think this blog might be taking this a bit far. I am not sure these families right now are feeling God’s love for them right now. Better yet they might be asking why the hell any God or the world in general would allow their children to be murdered? How could this happen to their innocent children? Why would someone they pray to 5 times a day do this to them? A special lesson reserved just for them?

So I wanted to leave a comment on the blog but did not have the courage as I am certain that the words were not meant to offend since normally this is a beautiful, religious, amazing blog…….but I am sure that the writer did offend many who have lost a child or lived a tragedy and the last thing they feel is how much God must love them.

But it got me thinking. How do we explain this tragedy to our children? What can anyone possibly say? How do we as parents explain something so very sick and inexplicable? And how do we continue to believe in good in people and faith under such terrible circumstances? There is a part of me that really does understand those who turn to God in such moments of tragedy, I truly and sincerely do.

On the other hand to go as far as saying that God is loving these families at a time like this or other articles I have read this week saying it was “God’s Will and that there is always meaning in tragedy, “or that we should pray for the soul of the poor murderer”…this is where religion in my opinion causes war and not peace.
This is where non believers, or semi believers lose faith completely. When such a message is broadcasted. Instead of “it is important to keep the faith in what you believe in in such difficult times or “this time God was not able to help for whatever reason he did not hear our prayers I hope he can use his power to comfort us now”

I love that on  my own blog I am able to explore some of these thoughts and issues as so very, very complex. And also to read the thoughts of others, even if I may not agree. It opens my mind to diversity and that is always the goal for me

I have got some thinking to do about this…and a lot of it before Family Night tonight where I will try and tackle for the second time the discussion of this tragedy with our own innocent kids.

 

 

Raising Animals

I was going to sit here tonight and write a blog about how amazing of an evening we all had.

Monday night I am always alone with the kids and I have been trying to make that time always a little special. Whether it’s taking 15 minutes extra to tuck one in or chat in front of the fire about something that is on their mind with another…I find myself making more space for them on that evening. When my to do lists are at their worst and literally calling my name after weekends away at the cottage. But lately I have really been selecting how to spend time and spending these extra few minutes with the kids always seems to make me feel better in the longer term.

So tonight even if I am sick as a dog, I hid a note with the elf that we would all watch a 30 minute Christmas special together and eat in front of the TV. As they sat there eating their pasta and yogurt and fruit and loving the babyish Christmas tale. I thought life is beautiful. This is a perfect moment.

Well it wasn’t afterall.

I made a bad decision. I decided to take a chance and offer more. I told them that if they quickly did 10 minutes of chores and clean up calmly they could come back to watch another episode of Rudolph and we could all snuggle on the couch.

Well Beauty listened. The two boys did not. And like every single night in my house…chaos erupts as soon as there is transition or chores to do or as soon as a command is given out to accomplish something that is not individual. I am really,really fed up. And very very disappointed in myself that I have somehow let this go on for so long. Now it is not only my older son who is so disruptive it is my middle son too and it bugs the hell out of me.

Just shut up and do what you have to do.

Stop acting like a bunch of idiots for 10 mins. Is that possible?

 

So they wrestled and laughed and got distracted and fooled around and threw their wallets around the kitchen until all their cards and bus passes feel all over. I was silent.

I should have just go in and said go to bed.

But I totally and completely lost it. I screamed and screamed and told them exactly what I think of them. I told one that I may even smack him across the face if he dare speak another word. I told them that they were grounded for a second day tomorrow (they were grounded tonight for hyperness too from the weekend). I also told them no breakfast made by Dad tomorrow and that no carpool. Walk and take the bus.

And I meant every single word. And I am not the least bit sorry.

Ya..I am sure that there may have been better ways to handle the situation but apparently those better ways are not working. So I will try it this way.

I hope they feel cold outside tomorrow and tired and sorry.

I would feel guilty if one of my sweetest BFF’s this week SAHM did not tell me that she calls her kids idiots weekly.in a very loud voice. And makes them cry. Thank God for her honesty..it frees me up.

I am done with this type of chaos each time it is time to work and not play.

And you know whose fault this is? Mine!

I am like those Moms that I have to hear daily complain about how “they can’t get their kid to stop texting and face booking though homework period and so their kid takes 5 hrs. to complete studies” Well madam that is because you ALLOW this.

Well I have joined the ranks of these Moms. Ya the ones who come to me for coaching. Those ones. I allow a ZOO in my home every night and for some reason until now I have not put my foot down enough.

Well the time has come friends.

An no I will not be medicating you all after dinner to be calm and cooperative. Simply, if someone is not calm and concentrated during chore time, they will immediately be excused (from their chores too) and they will be asked to go to bed or to study in their room. The evening ends there. No more. They will immediately receive 3 x’s for chores not done on the chart which will equal less allowance on chart and I will complete their tasks (and be compensated for it) If goes on for a few nights in a row-then technology gone for days at a time.

That is it. Silent. Calm Friendly. Goodnight.

Still want o be coached by me??? Of course you do!!!!!!!! This is what you love about me right??? Real, honest and HUMAN. Mother to two and sometimes three gorillas.:)))

Confidence Clarity

My daughter who just turned 11  yrs old has been called many things over her life so far. I tape a video of her each year at her birthday party and on it I interview all the girls at her party and ask them what they like most about their friend Beauty. Answers vary from hilarious, to caring, to the life of the party, to not shy, to a good friend. Confident always comes up somewhere in there.

Teachers over the ears often say different things about her too. They say she is a natural leader, they say she has a very positive influence on other kids; they say she is sparkly and bright. Then they also say that she can be a little unwelcoming sometimes to new kids, sometimes dispesfectful if she is in that mood, and can talk back or talk at inappropriate times. However the word confidence always comes about too. That my daughter if super confident.

So although confidence is a great thing…Beauty’s teachers mixed reviews over the years have always concerned me to a certain degree. She can be so sweet and soft and caring of those around her, more caring in a lot of ways those other girls her age I have noticed. But on the other hand, I don’t like this “mean girl” side that comes out every once in whole. Yes it is infrequent, no it does not happen often but it should not happen at at in my opinion. Why oh why????

The only people I hear it from are her teachers ever now and then…besides that does not come out and she has many friends and is invited many places. She has a close clique and she seems to value and be valued by the girls and their parents alike. I am always confused .

Well today at ski competition I saw the confidence my daughter has and I am grateful for it. This girl is not a doormat. She is a force to be reckoned with. I don’ think it would be possible to take advantage of her-she would just look at the abuser and say “Go away!” I have to say I like this in a girl. And if she loves you she will protect you too.

Ski competition is a MASSIVE commitment both on the parts of the parents and the kids. The only reason we have gotten ourselves into such a things is because it is cottage friendly. We are here and skiing is her. We want to be here as often as possible and this gives us the perfect reason to be. Fall training leads up to the season every Saturday morning Sept-Dec. Then Dec –April Saturday and Sundays 8:30-3:00 (aka as 10-3pm for us!) Throw in there 12 full days of training over X-mas break and 6 competitions at other mountains from 7am-5pm and that is a whole lot of skiing.

Our goal was to master her skiing, keep up her athletic skills, please her and indulge her passion but most of all for pleasure so that she would make a group of friends around the area and have this activity to bond them.

Well all the Fall training-so virtually for 8 weeks- the pleasure part was not really there. She would go with her little green track pants, her little striped tuque with a pom pom, her Joshua Perez hoody and her little bottle of water. Each time she would go for the 4 hrs and not speak to anyone but the trainers because she was the only new one there and the rest were a tight clique. Each weekend she would come home and when asked if she liked it she would say yes.

I liked it a lot

Did you make a friend?

No. Nobody speaks to me bc I am the new girl

Are you sad?

No.

Why not? Isn’t it boring?

I am not sad because I know it will change, By December on the slopes I will have plenty of friends

Are you sure you want to continue on this team Beauty? (aka why the hell are we getting up so early on weekends so you can hike up a mountain alone?)

Its fine Mom and Dad. I don’t mind being alone. It will all work out just fine. I will have tons of friends.

So we just carry on. We take her each weekend and feel a bit sad for her and for us.

And then like clockwork on the first day last weekend of the real slop practices she makes a friend! And then today her third practice she makes three more! By the end of the practice today I had two Moms approach me and ask me for Beauty’s phone cell number (ladies she does not have a cell she is only 11!!) Both moms commented how confident she seems and that they think will be great for their daughters to see this.They said they noticed it the moment they met her how self assured she was and what  a gatherer and leader she was on the team and with their girls.

So she is confident and she knows where she is going this girl. She knows her strengths and her limits and the timing that is right for her in life. Why don’t I know this by now?

In the end I thought it over and I was happy that she was the new girl for 8 weeks and learnt how it felt to be on her own. Also how good it would feel if a popular girl who knew the ski team would have come up to her at Fall training and invited her to join the gang.Hopefully it taught her to be able to do that for the new girl one day herself? To be more sensitive to others

But for the moment I am just grateful that my daughter is strong, assertive and a leader. As she grow up in this big and bad world it comforts me to know that the person I think will protect her…is her. Yes. Yes we will work on ensuring her natural gentleness with little babies and kids and animals extends ot all humans…but I will feel less threatened next time I hear a teacher’s comment and work more on turning her unique traits into strengths that work for both her and others around her in life.

Oh Beauty! The joy of girls eh???

I Never Knew

I love moments of clarity. Pure and simple-they never seem to amaze me. Those moments where you may have been struggling for years with a certain decision or thought and it suddenly appears in your mind. Just like that!

Boom!

I have had moments of clarity in the last few years mainly as it related to being a Mother. Moments where I know exactly where my mind is at and where it needs to be. In these moments I feel unstoppable. My mind is made up, my framework clear. All actions after that fall into place and I stop obsessing without purpose.

As for my career I have had less moments of clarity. I have had an amazing education in school and in my careers and wonderful opportunities. The last 8 years at the company I work for now have been precious and my intention is to be here at least another 6-7 yrs. This job and company is made for me. It matches exactly where I am at in my life right now. I love it.

But what about beyond 7 rs from now? I am still young. I had three kids by the age of 30 and nice careers so far. My husband is 12 yrs older than me and the deal has also been that he and I will switch roles in next 7 yrs. from an income standpoint. He will slow down and I will speed up.

But what will I do?

How will I speed up?
How will I get to the income level I want to get to and surpass it even?
People often ask me “what is your dream career-what is your next big move?”

It has always been the question and one that I do not have the answer to. I have certain answers and ideas, and dreams. But no real vision.It’s also part of knowing myself well. I know there are phases in my life and this phase has been, and will continue to be for the next 7 yrs :career woman/family focus. Corporate vs Entrepreneurial. Job that has been travel a few times a year vs every few weeks. I know my priorities, and I know my limits. My husband will truly consider divorcing me if I ever left my current job….we need it..I need it, it is perfect. I live and breathe this company.

I had an extremely impactful transformational mentor a couple of years back, and I mean the very cream of the crop. The best of the best. He told me he felt I had” unlimited potential career wise”.  Even though it seemed far-fetched and a huge compliment, I believed him because whatever he says is true or becomes true. He seems to know what he is talking about. If he had such faith in me..then I needed to have faith in me too at the same degree.

At the time he and I talked about my career and he assured me that I would gain clarity when the time was right of what the future held. We both knew it would have something to do with writing, public speaking, possibly even TV, maybe acting, motivating etc…but it was never clear. It was totally grey.

Until last night. When I listened to my birthday CD and I heard that song..The one about  “I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you….”

And it hit me. There I was. I was 47 years old (that is six years from now) God I am old then but I look really young still. I have continued to work for this big-wig pharma company I have been working for in a similar job with some global and regional responsibilities added to the mix over the next 6 years. I do this until my last baby is finishing up high school.

And then…I have my own TV show!!!!!! I write it, produce it, direct it and star in it. It’s sort of a talk show but not really, because it is so much more than that. In it the main focus is Work Life balance and Parenting but done in a very dramatical way. Tons of music, imagery, laughs, advice. Everyone will cry through my show and often. Not one person will be in the audience without shedding a tear, happy tears because are they are so touched. Then I will give advice, I will scream people to Just Stop It! (likley the name of my show as have wanted this as a book title for many years now better copyright it quickly!) I will scream and shout until they listen and do something to help themselves and help their families. To get out of the rut they are in and quickly.

People who come for my show will need to want to change or they won’t come. It’s going to be a totally tough love show but with a real sweetheart as a host and producerJ) I am going to verbally punch a bit of sense into them and hug them tightly afterwards. It won’t be what they want to hear at first but it will change their lives and quickly. I will help them change their lives and will have a team of experts following up and coaching everyone who comes on the show afterwards to hold them all accountable. It’s going to be amazing.

And then there’s me…..

I will be like Dr. Phil and never step out on the stage alone at first. I will always have my Husband or my Mom with me. They will be my Mangers. They kind of are already are!  And just like Justin Beiber has his Sister and Mom always in the audience, one of my kids will always be there in the front row. And I will have a bunch of my super intelligent friends as guest speakers and in the VIP row wearing elegant mini-dresses and high heels. I will pay for all their first class tickets and treat them all to fancy dinners and hotels. Nothing wrong with a little bribery to get some support is there?

Oh ya and a whole bunch of other famous people (besides all my friends) will also come on the show to be interviewed. I may even want a co-host but not really sure I can do this with anyone? They may not go for the screaming, hugging, punching, crying part. And I am not changing that. No way.

My mentor also told me that what your ultimate career is will always play very heavily on your strengths. I can write, I am creative, I acted my entire child and teen hood, I can sing moderately, I have rhythm, I can bring out the worst in people, I can bring out the best in people. I can teach, I can learn. I am full of truthfulness and honestly. I can handle hard decisions and make them extremely quickly. I love being in front to an audience. I like being paid big amounts of money for short periods and amount of work. I love a challenge. I work on adrenaline.When I randomly ask people over the years what they think my career should be many have said a talk show on TV. I usually laugh alot when I hear this.  It’s the first time I really internalize this.It's the first time I feel I want it. Or that it could even be possible

My show won’t be boring. It will be creative, and innovative and daring and REAL. It will tell the truth and change lives. I can see it so clearly.

Music, tears, gifts, advice, fun, balloons, smiles, surprises. So often people have no idea how easy it is to change do they? Just stop it! Stop what you are doing for god’s sake! Stop ignoring your sister, stop making promises to take the kids to Canada’s Wonderland and not take them, stop interrupting and listen well, stop ignoring your husband and deal with him directly, stop being depressed over the fact you can’t run anymore and start walking faster, stop eating McDonald’s every night separately and join your family at the dinner table over a roasted chicken. Stop having an affair and cuddle to the man right next to you in your bed and tell him you love him. Stop obsessing about your daughter and start spending time with her.Be grateful! Be proud! Be polite! Beleive in Heaven if it makes you feel good! Go for it! Believe in yourself! Do it! Now!

It’s all going to be perfectly ok. More than ok. I promise.

So it’s a dream, but it became crystal clear in my mind. Will it happen in 7 yrs., at the time that is right and perfect? Will it all pan out according to the vision and the plan? Will I be famous????  Am I crazy? Too confident? Out of my fricking mind am I?

The answer is: No. If I really want it to happen it will .I will make it happen. anyone who knows me know I go for it. I deliver. Stay tuned to your TV in the next decade people.

And today was the beginning of that journey.The very first tiny, tiny step and that step was clarity.And accountability since now my craziness is posted all over Canada, USA and Japan, China and Switzerland!

I feel pleased as punch.

And ready for the next person to ask me as they so often do ”So in 7 yrs what will you be doing?”

 "Having the time of my life Sir/Madam".