Boy Troubles

 

“Mom I can’t go to my science tutor tomorrow afterschool”

Why not?

“I just can’t. I don’t want to”

You don’t want too???? You are failing science! We just changed tutors as you begged me telling me this girl has helped you so much and is great! You got your first good mark in science last week after she helped you last week! Have you gone mad??

“I can’t go!”

Why the hell not????

“Because my science test is on the penis”

(laugh laugh laugh from all of us)

“I can’t get quizzed by a girl in Sec 5 on the penis”

Hmm….what to do..?

“You need to go anyways (laughter) It will be hilarious!”

“Ok mom..can you send her a text in advance and warn her about the penis quizzing?”

Sure sweetie anything for youJ

My Gems

I have been doing a huge Spring Cleaning of my house over the last couple of weeks (like the rest of the world I imagine?)

It is an interesting process to look at all the junk and gems that have been collected over the years and decide if it stays, goes or is given away. Through this process, I have bonded and reconnected with many things. Gifts given to me by my Mom, letters from friends, all the pictures we have lovingly took, jewellery given to my daughter on her baptism and given to me on my honeymoon. A lot of it has touched me.

However none of it compares to the feeling of going through books for me. It was one of the first times that I really went through my book collection one by one. Reminiscing about the many wonderful moments they have all brought me. Thinking back to those times in my life when I needed that specific book and how much further it took me along in life to have read it.

There are very few things in life that I have more gratitude for in life than books.

They are with me through relationships, relaxation, through sadness, when I need to get away. They have helped me grow and change and learn. They are my best friend in many ways and I rely on them when I am in need, or to transport me to a new and magical place. I can honestly say that most of what I do well as a parent or person was taught to me by books somehow. Many, many many books.

I involved my daughter on Sunday for a good half of the day to help me sort out books. I used it as a bonding time to really pass down this love of mine. She is not a book worm (yet) but has an appreciation of reading is how I would define it. She is curious. We created a shelf for her where we put all the books I would love her to read from now until 20 yrs old on it. I explained why I loved each book and what it brought me. She is super attracted to anything about murder or kidnapping it seems! No Anne of Green Gables in this one!

As we sorted and carried, and filed and discussed, she looked at me and said “It is impossible Mommy that you have read all of these books” It is not impossible. The truth is that I have read triple what she saw, as many at work and borrowed or at cottage or given away. Probably more than triple.

(I can feel right now my Dad in his grave smiling and smiling and smiling)

I grew up in a home of books. We had an entire forth level  of the house devoted as a library! I hated  most the books we had….nothing much that interested me at that age, but it somehow I guess sparked a true love of reading in my life. And I am forever grateful for this.

I feel about reading how many feel about cooking (aka: how can you not like to read??????????”) I don’t get it. To me it is oxygen. In any given week I have one fiction book, one parenting book and one business/self help book being read at least. I adore it. Once I forgot my book for a business trip and the airport store was closed..and this is not a joke-I cried most of the flight to where I was going very silently and discreetly. Somehow I knew German books would not to it for me once I reached my destination. I could not beleive I would go a week without a book. Especially when I had all my evenings free to read. Depressing.

Another not joke: When I travel for pleasure I  pack an entire carry on suitcase with books -like 15-20 for 2 weeks. I refuse to put them in regualr luggage in case it gets lost. Clearly my prioriies are books and not lingerie, running shoes or clothes! My husband has nearly begged me to read on an IPad but I refuse.

I went to the gym yesterday and there is a member’s exchange library there and it says take as many as you want! So I took 10 and everyone was looking at me funny!

All that to say I love my books. I lend them to many but give none of the good ones away. I fold pages down and spill juice on them, I eat muffins over them and have had nose bleeds on them. They come with me anywhere and everywhere I go.

I would rather die than read a book on an I pad or Kindle.

Books don’t make me fall asleep they keep me awake

I feel I would be so much more behind in my life if it has not been for the precious books I read

I wish wish wish my kids could love reading (very unlikely at this point they will change as much as I have tried)

I created many spaces in my house to contain these precious books

As long as the world has books I will find a place to be happy in it

I would take books over shoes or purses any day

After such a sucky day yesterday...I am comforted to know that books are still around, normal and there for me.

I simply and plainly adore books.

Maybe I should learn to cook a lasagna instead of reading so much? Balance right??

Overwhelmed and Pissed Off

If you are in a good mood right now-you may want to stop reading this blog.

This day is crap and so was yesterday. I cancelled pretty much everything I had today to just wallow in my own resentment, anger and bitterness. Nothing specific just a bunch of crap that adds up over time and then spills over.

Mainly I am tired of dealing with the same type of crap over and over and over again.

My husband really, really, really does not do well with change and transition. That is a fact; he is the first to admit this so no offense or surprise to him. So when change occurs-the world tumbles down. No matter what I do or what I try it does not make a difference. Ever.

Let’s try a different strategy of support-Tarina will focus on her own stuff for the next two weeks entirely and stay silent and away. Hopefully this has better success in showing partnership and support. I have never  used distance and alientation as a means of supporting someone but maybe I will try this now.

Today is just a bad day. Every blog I have read this morning annoyed me. The stupid emails I am getting in my inbox are angering me-but I know deserved as luck is not drawn to people who are mean and bitter. The 17 page document of sports equipment I have to go buy or rent for my son to go sleep on top of a mountain in a tent for three days in the USA is infuriating me.  The woman at the gym who goes 5 times a week and seems to be getting fatter by the day is making me insane. And the car we just got washed that is now full of bird crap from our big oak tree is really grating my nerves.

Today was supposed to be a brighter day. It really isn’t.

Yup sometimes a lesson hits you good and plainly in the face doesn’t it? It’s time for me to shift gears. Change strategies. Stop doing the same things I do that don’t have success.

I think it may be time to plain old give up in some areas of my life. Hopelessness has a friend today. It has reared it’s ugly head before and it will again.

And even when I am this pissed at least I can say I am authentic. Even if most of you would prefer I wasn’t?

PS-I will be back.

PSS-sorry for references to swearing and swearing in last couple of days. As my friend and I (now in Swiss share) when you have days like this nothing in the world feels better than a good swear session. I am glad my kids don’t take an active enough interest in my life to read this.

PSSS-  I generally try to be a pleasant role model for my kids and a good citizen

Teaming Together

I am finally starting to understand why  companies when they want you to grow as a team have you do really mundane things like washing floors and picking up sticks for charity. I think there is something in the boringness that bonds people…something in the annoyances of it all that brings resistant people together (those who are actually present and remain for the activity anyways)

I tried to build this at home this weekend. Aiming high for a jovial climate and a feeling of belonging and inclusiveness in our family around Hubbys new office. Tried is the major word you need to understand here.

I ended up succeeding this weekend-but trust me the road was long and rocky. I read a post in a fave blog the other day that once again solidified to me how important it is for readers to get a true sense of the life we are posting about. This woman wrote how one of her best friends said to her when she was complaining about her teens” By reading your blog you would never ever know this” Plain sad in my opinion. What is the point of great record keeping if you leave out your worries, concerns, sadness and anxiety?? How real is that? Doesn’t authenticity count for something? She defended herself by saying she never wanted to “incriminate” her teens on her blog. Does making mistakes and being human warrant incrimination??? Poor soul..I feel sad for her she feels the need to feel so perfect.

Most of us (me included) go to her blog because it is fairy-tale like and fictitious. All the stuff occurs-she just leaves out anything nasty, bad, mean or anxiety provoking in raising 5 kids!! It’s a serious break from our own lives and crises!

So I created a team yesterday in my home. 27,500 deeds (aka huge files) were delivered to our garage on Friday. And 150,000 lbs of filing cabinets. Yes. Yes. Yes, All the files needed to be put into the cabinets in numerical order and under lock and key. They needed to get into these safes asap to be protected by water, fire and sunlight. I am serious here. Big huge and important job.

So I assembled a team! My three kids! I managed them and myself focused on  spring cleaning every corner of my house.  Being a Manager rocks. At first they were super excited “I get to be a secretary!” “I want to be a notary one day it is so cool!”

That lasted 5 mins.

The boys who were the heavy hands and strength in this massive task started carrying and moving  what seemed liked hundreds of crates near the cabinets they belonged too. They were amazing and working as a team! Until they somehow ended up in my driveway screaming and beating each other up!!!

What I hate about spring and summer is how my neighbors have to hear me screaming and swearing at my kids so often. Winter is better for privacy. Even if I bring the kids inside them windows are still open and I have loud voice when I am ready to kill them!

So of course I threatened them, screamed at them and made them feel like crap for not supporting their own dad. That helped a lot. Guilt works with my kids especially when administered in hysteric tones.

Then my daughter who was super excited all week to play secretary got her turn and everything was so heavy and cumbersome that she worked for an hour by herself but cried the whole time because all this physical work made her dizzy. I just let her cry. At least the work was being done! (I understood too as I felt like crying scrubbing toys at an old smelly daycare last year for charity day of my company but was too proud to cry)

Anyways it all got a lot better.Oh no it did not ..there was more wait.

 

Then Chase flat out refused to interrupt his homework (Concerta focus!!!!) to come down and help again. He just said “No”. He also refused to come to the picnic lunch at the new office. Again he just said “No”. I tried to wrack my brain and remember from the 750 parenting teen books  I seem to have read what to do in such a situation? I could not remember. I was too furious for thought.

So I just did what came intuitively and naturally to me. I called him out and started screaming really loud in his face with a lot of swears words a teen his age can relate to. I frothed at the mouth for effect (for real). That’s seemed to be super effective! The rest of the day he was an angel!

(yes yes I do a lot of parenting coaching and I am actually pretty good when advising others. Please come back soon?)

The rest of the day went super smoothly! Teamwork was built! A bit like Survivor where it takes a little time to bond and get it right but then everyone is all buddy buddy and lives happily ever after!!!

We made a beautiful picnic lunch and all took it over to the new office and actually ate outside on the patio furniture that will be there permanently. Hubby and his team worked so hard and are still working so hard and we thought they needed a nice lunch break. It was so nice to get to know them better and eat with them.

But why oh why did those two skinnies not eat the chips and cupcakes? What is happening here? I have to admit it was a bit odd to see my husband under the table lying down with his office manager but hey that is what needs to be done if a screw is loose right?

It was strange to see the deep comraderie among my hubby and his girls at work. Felt a bit odd but I was super happy for him and them. They have a great team and I am glad for the teamwork (without the yelling and swearing) he has created over the years. I was proud of Hubby and I that we both are secure enough in our marriage to allow for the friendships with the opposite sex and feel happy for each other because of it. His colleagues are his cherished relationships and so are my male colleagues for me; they all enrich our lives and our hearts in a special way. I was happy to be included in his team today and for the kids to feel part of it all.

All part of my master plan of teamwork!

The afternoon was a piece of cake. My kids felt scared and threatened enough to complete the job in record time in our garage. We did not think this humanly possible. They even  threw in a freebie of cleaning the basement and helping me bring down all the bags of clothes to give away from the closet. They managed to get along, help each other out and not kill eachother. They even made a few jokes along the way.

I considered this an excellent day.

I could have just written this blog and told about how at 5:30pm as their Dad came home exhausted but face beaming of pride for their hard works and hugging them delighted me. I could have included the toast we did on the balcony in the sun with the special soft drinks (and martinis I)  to recognize all this work. I could have talked about how accomplished I felt for putting together such a team and succeeding at such a task.

I could tell you how sweet my kids are and are cooking us a fancy dinner tonight as we are cashing in our traditional Christmas coupon where they kids plan and buy food and cook for us once a year.

But..that is only part of the story isn’t it? An important part..a true part..and authentic part. A heartwarming part. But to get there is a lot behind the scenes..a lot of nagging..and management.

But that is what I want to record. Both. This is not a blog to impress you. Or a blog for me to look back on and remember only the good moments. I want to remember it all.

I want to remember real life. All of it. In it’s splendor.

This beautiful chaotic orchestra I feel I have had a lot to do in creating. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. And hopefully something in the way I handle it or don’t handle it-will inspire you…to even when the going gets tough- to stick with it all….hang in there…..and calm down enough to keep your focus.

To have 27, 500 deeds neatly tucked away into their fireproof vaults by three children who managed to get it together enough to have a day where they came out feeling proud, rewarded, included and part of this big and important project. Where they each said something at the office picnic that made me realize I had achieved my goal despite the wrestling, attacks and hositility. I translate from French to English:

Child 3 “I am going to sweep up a bit the parking lot as looks a little messy”

Child 2-“I still can’t believe this belongs to us” (said to his Dad’s staff who have been working away for months trying to get it all organized and ready and who responded “Yours?? It’s OURS!!!”

Child 3-Dad can you take a look at your agenda? I want to come and eat lunch with you. Thursday good?…and then we can go across the street for an icecream together. You can pay”

Every single nasty moment was worth this. All of it. Gold. Music to my tired ears. Oxygen to my exhausted screaming mouth. And above all joy and contentment to my happy heart overflowing with pride and love for my family and the team we have created.

This day and everyday.

Passion Figured Out?

In my favorite course ever ,which because I manage it, I got to attend part of it once again this week… I learned something very important.

There is always one particular thing in any course that sticks with me and that I take with me forever.

This one was when my colleague discussed a concept after we watched a movie on the life of tennis champion Roger Federer. No matter how many times I watch this movie..I am touched to the point of tears. Just from the perspective of how high performing he is and the mental ability it takes to win match after match after match. So touching and powerful to analyze (which we do in this course) what it takes exactly to achieve this level of high performance. And to sustain it.

And today we learned something new

True Passion always has an element of pain and suffering.

That actually the German translation of the English word “Passion” actually contains the word “Suffering” in it. I loved this.

I don’t know why exactly it just really resonated for me.

I have always been a very driven person..driven in many directions. Driven very extensively and sometimes even obsessively to develop myself and change, and aim higher and further. But it is rarely a peaceful state. It comes with lots of hurt, and pain and suffering to keep moving and moving to where I want to be as a person and where I want to be in my life in general. There always seem to lack an element of peace and joy until much more recently. It is not relaxing at all-although very rewarding.

And I have always wondered if there is something wrong with me in this respect? Is this normal?

But today I realized that passion of any sort..true passion and commitment is laced with suffering and self analysis. The most passionate of people who have the ability to really share their passions and make a difference do not wear rose colored glasses and sit in the small box of their own contentment for very long. 
Additionally, you can literally not get from point a to point b and c if you do not go backward before moving forwards and that step back goes a long way in self-development. And it is one that many preople are more than willing to leave out on their journeys. The journeys of their childhood; where most of both our passions and pain begun and carved us into the people we are today. Do you have the courage to go there?

Federer has his turn when his beloved coach of many years died in a tragic accident at the age of 32. That is when the tennis pro really came alive and began to feel passion, and pain and take him to the next level of his sport .To explore his own childhood, and face his demons…is when he became a true success.

And I loved the look on his face at every win, every trophy won. The look of pure passion, and suffering and pleasure. It is what I will always aim for. That look he has on his face is tantalizing and remarkable. Authenticity at it's core.

And now I know it is normal. That I am normal. That I feel many many things. And this will also be the propeller to doing many many things one day in the future. This ability for joy and for sadness is ultimately what will help me one day in my endeavors

I allow myself the gift of feeling fully and wholly now. This has been a long long journey for me of coming complete, or forgiving, of being forgiven and of mapping out the life I want to have with the people I want around me. I continue down this journey every single day. Still.

And I realized this week that a true passion of mine and one I hope to play out over the next decade is so teach others in a big way (vs a more 1-1 or small course style) to access the best parts of themselves and to most importantly share those parts. As mothers, as wives, as husbands, as friends, as fathers . As neighbors and colleagues and nieces. To access the best parts of ourselves through our own vulnerability and authenticity. To come to a place where we are able to both give and receive what was always meant for us. To make decisosn in our lives that nurture and sustain these elements.


Passion and Pain. It's all part of the package of life isn't it?

A New Home for Him

It's a beginning today

And integration of work and life.. For him.. For us.. For our family

 

Feels like a new home. So cozy. Exactly how it should feel . Stopping by in morning and checking up on it before night.Bikes rides, candy jars and village pizza brought in. Ice cream cones around the corner His exhaustion, his stress , his anticipation and excitement. His anxiety and his worry .

 

Nothing compares to the strong look of pride that occurs for him. I can feel it. In the end he knows he did this And this is amazing It is a dream come true It has been waiting for him for a long long time The pride of ownership and of creation.Of bringing a dream to life though challenge and obstacles.May not be an investment in money .. Or maybe it is? The future will tell. What is an investment anyways?

It will be an investment in happiness I believe and I think he does too. It will change him and thank him for all the hard work he has done over 30 yrs. The commitment, the loyalty the competency, the expertise. All at such an incredibly young age . He deserves a warm and cozy office-worked his ass off since 20 yrs old!

 

We are scared . He is. I am. Today I feel completely overwhelmed by the storage my garage is being used as for thousands and thousands and thousands of files. I feel overwhelmed by the bigness of this all. I cannot even imagine how he feels!

 

We had a cozy cushy life and once again we shook it all up. It’s hard not to ask ourselves why sometimes? But we know exactly why. We are visionaries..and strategists don’t stay in the same spot as much as they wish they would want to.

 

Change is extremely hard for us. Extremely. We are so not good at it-but smart enough to know to do it anyways even if it is hard, and painful and exhausting. We know that you cannot have pleasure without pain really in the end.

And soon enough the change will be done as the transition over…The Lake will welcome him, the golf course will call to him, the sunlight will sit on him. And clients will walk through his new door

The community will be surprised by him and re sandwiches will delight him. He will sit outside everyday at lunch on the terrace that feels like home and pretend he is at home hopefully with a coffee and the paper. While sustaining his successful law practice.

A part of me misses him. I have seen him change already. Open himself up.

 

Today as I bring his staff gifts of massages at the spa right next door and cupcakes from the place 2 mins away, I feel so much: poor scared excited and in transition But mostly I feel proud of my guy who had a dream and a vision and brought it to life on his own. Mostly without bossy me .And proud of me for helping to make it happen and letting go. Of standing back and letting him take the space he deserves. It is his place and his dream. He claimed it .

 For us houses and offices and cottages represent many many things. They are not walls-they are complex intricacies, and feelings and decisions and hope and vision wrapped up in the form of walls and doors.

A new chapter begins today.

 

 

What We Do with an Hour?

This morning I had an unexpected free hour alone. At a beautiful hotel, in a beautiful room, with the beauty of the vast city below pouring into my window.

It has been an intense 3 days of delivering a high level leadership program for a management group with my Swiss and cherished colleague. Breakfast at 7am and dinners into the evening. Exhausting, stimulating, intense.

I had a delicious 1.5  hour this morning and it was interesting to observe what I did with it..What was my fancy? Do we stop to ask ourselves this question often enough?

For the first 15 mins I slept and luxuriated in the extra 2 snoozes

Then I got up and put my favorite workout clothes and shoes on and went for a walk in the city of downtown Montreal for a short but very pleasant sun filled 25 mins

Then I read the article on “Are Cupcakes still Cool?” in the Globe and Mail. I wrote some business ideas for cake pops in my IPhone hahaha

Then I called my BFF to wish her Happy Birthday:)) Love her..

Then I texted my dear Swiss friend back and forth who put a huge smile on my face. I love having a time difference it rocks with her. She seems totally available when she is 6 hrs different than me!

Then I took a long shower and took my time getting ready

Ordered grapefruit juice and bagel with cream chesses and berries in room service

And checked my phone and email about a thousand times in between

And I loved this hour and a half. A lot.

I allowed myself to break my own rules and ritualization and it felt great. Looong shower. Take time getting ready and doing my hair nice. Short walk instead of exercise walk. Too many carbs in morning. Checking email and texts obsessively for no reason (stupid but I do love it!) Writing ideas down. Sleep. It’s nice once in a while to have the time, and to be alone..to do what comes to us naturally and give into our preferences.

And I have to say that this hotel has A LOT of advantages. I have figured out what all the stars stay here. It has something to do with the lack of light in the hotel and the darkness and the mirrors in the room. This hotel has made it that you are literally not able to see any typo you make, any wrinkle or blemish on your body or even see how messy your own room is. They have the magic formula all figured out this seems.

And there mirrors are amazing. In that hour-I think I checked myself out 20 times. I looked about 15 lbs less and totally in shape and firm and fit even naked!. Was it all the positive recognition I got over the last few days from my colleagues about our course that made me feel better about myself?  Was it the compliments from the women in the course on my three new outfits ? But to equal 15 lbs of feeling better?????

Was it that I am in a good space in my mind and just feel more peaceful and therefore skinner? Was it all the cakepops I ate that made a difference because they were so small and tiny they actually made me lose weight overnight?

No..No..no..It is the magical mirrors here. In that 1.5 hours I analyzed them fully and they all have one thing in common (you can tell many in the room-big, big room)..they all have a line right down the middle-discreet but there. And that line takes the view of the central part of your body and hides it. So you are left with the left and right quadrant of your ass and therefore feel better about yourself!!!!

 

Add that magical mirror and little light…. and the fact yoga and meditation and walk 5 times a week and working out twice a week more consistently at the gym..Maybe it is not only that line in the mirror-maybe I am also feeling better in my body lately too…back to where I always was. Happy and confident.

Thrilling!!! Love staying here. I have to make sure all offisites are held here. And have cakepops at every meal. I need to call Finance about that.

 My word on my nametag this week was “Peace-of Present and of Future April 2013 ” Ahhhhhh…deep breath-feels so good.

Maybe these stays away from reality, focused so intensely on my job and my work, being so passionate for a few days and doing what I love, being with people that motivate me, in a place where there is space for me to be with me…bring out a good side of me.

I feel lucky to have these great opportunities a number of times a year to rejuvenate, to connect, to luxuriate, and to work my butt off (literally it seems!)…these weeks and time are truly remarkable for me and my development as a person and in my role. As hard and as intense as they are-they bring me great joy.

And the more I am away from home for extended periods of time-the more I miss home too. The more I become certain that my role as a woman is twofold-to be there for my family..and to be there out in the world too teaching, and speaking, and learning.

I will always be both. An imperfect balance of my two beautiful worlds. Always dying to come home to my loved ones-and craving to get away again for short stays.

Peace-with who I am. And what Is.

 

 

CakePops-A Beautiful Thing

I have found something even better than cupcakes.

CAKEPOPS! OMG these are good.

For some reason they are showing up all over the place literally. A colleague at work makes them daily it seems. Lucky me here office is right beside mine. At Starbucks.. now at the fancy smancy hotel I am in for an offsite program this week.

Everywhere I turn I seem to see (and feel the need to eat) a cakepop.

If you have not tried one..run..not walk to your nearest cakepop store and munch away. You may never want to eat anything else ever again. (Oh ya I forgot there is no store because no one has invented one yet!!!!!)

They are good enough to sustain you forever. I am serious.

I think there is big money in cakepops-none seems to agree with me. Something so delicious needs to be better marketed. I mean if my readers in Russia and India have never heard of these things- there is some serious business to be had with these treats right?
Anyone out there want to start a cakepop business with me??? PS I don't bake.

I feel about cakepops the way Oprah does about “David’s Tea”…I want to shout it out to the world “They are delicious!!!!!” Too bad I am not on a stage with 16,000 women listening to me. Then Cakepops would be serious business.

I am happy I found these. They have drastically improved the quality of my life. An they are so small they must not have that many calories right? Even if you eat like 3 or 4? Small things like that don’t add up the way a big piece of cake does right??

Oh Ok. Well worth every single calories. And every single inch on the hips.

Truly .Madly. Deeply

I am so happy that I am in charge of this offsite. It gave me the right to call down tonight and ensure that they replace the cheesecake with cakepops on the menu tomorrow at lunch. I love my job.

Random Thoughts:Blonds, Tans, Toothbrushes and Marriage

My mind is a bit scattered today-therefore my blog will reflect that.

First things first. Everyone looks better with a tan. And additionally I think blonds have more fun. Before my vacation, I started feeling a little down on a few things about myself-I felt rather blah. Two body parts in particular were really getting on my nerves. Well right before the cruise I go to the hairdresser and get my highlights done and go back to my usual spring/summer blond and caramel and then get a great tan on the cruise and all the sudden I feel great again!

The two body parts not only don’t bother me this week-but a handful of people have actually complimented me on these body parts (I work in pharma remember-very open environment!) It’s as if my blond hair and tan (which has been kept up by a little spray in fact) have accentuated my other parts. So tans and blondness are good.

Which the real morale of the story which has nothing to do of course with skin or hair is: If you feel down on something in your life-spruce up another part. Accentuate your positives that you do have and don't focus on what you don't have

Let’s move on to toothbrushes. At my cottage last night I brushed my teeth in the kid’s bathroom and we each have labelled toothbrushes. I had asked my son a few months ago to change and label all the toothbrushes; I searched and searched for mine…where was it? Then I found it...an old BUZZ LIGHTYEAR small one for infants!!!!! That is supposed to be mine??? How bloody old is that thing? Then I look at his-Bear's..and it is a purple one for adults..how fair is that?

And marriage. My hubby and I had a lovely alone night last night here at Trent. My mom is babysitting the boys and my daughter is at my friend’s house for the weekend who has an adorable 4 yr. old girl. What rocks about this weekend is that we are out of contact with life outside of Trent for a luscious 24 hrs. The kids are not texting us…we are not calling home to check in…we are not looking at emails…we are just reading, and talking, and hanging out and planning. What a difference it makes to be in the present moment. And we watched a steamy thriller last night too-start to finish.

And boy do we need it. The next two weeks are honestly out of a book called Hell. My husband moves his office on Friday and all renos on office being completed before then. His next two weekends-he and his staff and my kids in rotation are busy moving. While I work my ass off at work and Spring Clean my house.

Never mind that I am offsite this week and delivering an important leadership program with my Swiss colleague. The kids are going to be on their own pretty much.

Tonight the fun begins-we get back from our escapade at Trent and going to do one fun thing before out two weeks of Hell..going to take the kids to a new resto that is known to have the best burgers ever and jukeboxes and everything. Then tuck them in..then husband drives me to hotel for 11pm.Then I have my entire flipcharts to prep for course from 11:30-1:30pm and then up at 5:30am to work with my colleague before course. And my week begins. My husband's schedule is even scarier.

So in conclusion of my scattered and random thoughts …..I’m realizing that I am in a very unique stage of my life with 3 teens/tween and married 17 yrs. And I don’t have a lot of people who are at this same stage of life to ask a lot of questions to. Most of my close close people have much much younger kids, or have been married a lot less years, or are even single still. I am realizing it will be important for me as time goes on to connect with some people and create a newtwork for myself of people in a very similar stage even if that is an online support group. I need to learn..and get it right…and often I learn best from watching and studying and asking tons of question from others who have been through this before.

And like when I had babies very young and with a guy 12 yrs. older than me…I feel myself once again alone in this stage to some degree. Fully, fully supported and listened to by my current friends and network. But with no one except a handful of people who have been, there, done that and can hand me down the gift of their expertise of what it felt like to live and how they came out on the other side winning.

It’s a very unique stage of life. And an incredibly beautiful one. And a very complex one…and a difficult one on many levels. Getting to where we are now…to getting to Swiss Chalet holding hands at 80 yrs old. With the bathing of kids gone, and the decisions they make their own, and the homemade mother’s days cards at school finished, and the music loader and the kisses on the cheeks with girls longer.

It’s a wonderful stage and a scary one… this stage of being with the same person equal to half of the years you have lived!!!. With the goal remaining the same as it always has been…moving on..succeeding…loving….and uncovering in each other parts that have not been there before-while cherishing the parts of the others that you feel like you know so well..sometimes too well. And cherishing the whole package of this new stage..without drowning it. Staying afloat and floating on the surface of the beautiful ocean underneath us. Discovering it bit by bit and hand in hand. Together.

And exposing parts of yourself to each other that have been hidden before..that only years and years and years of knowing each other will allow to come to the surface..if you let them.

All in the name of Love.

Growing Up in front of Teenagers

There are a couple of things about having a teenager that really suck.

Especially a teenage boy.

In many ways it is like having one more adult added to your home. Like a second husband almost-but on the days when he is in your face and telling you all the things that are wrong with you.

Like those times right before your period when he really gets on our nerves and everything aggravates you? Except the teenage boy stays around and does that all month and all year long.

Picture that there are a ton of things you know are wrong with you. But most of the day, month, year you try to ignore those subtle parts and just move on joyfully. Well you can’t do that anymore with a teenager in the house it seems!

“Mom did you know that you talk too loud?””

“Mom it is really annoying when you exaggerate a story-it is a lie”

“Mom when you treat daddy like that you are dominating him”

“Mom has you ever heard of free speech? You can’t Control us you know”

“Mom why do you have a friend like that-she never seems to even call you-what’s the point since she has another BFF anyways?”

“Mom maybe your new boss will hate you and fire you”

“Mom that bathing suit is way too young for you to wear”

“Mom you should go to bed earlier then you would be in a better mood”

“Mom you are super annoying the way you nag us all the time”

“Mom people must be getting bored of your blog”

“Mom adults don’t drink milk” (what the f…. is wrong with good old dairy anyways???”)

Ok second rude husband like child-I have heard enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what if I know you are right on all most levels? So what if most of this is said sweetly and not aggressively? So what if you speak the truth so often?

Shut up already! I am busy trying to repress all this- can’t you see this?

And then there’s the guilt factor of being a working mom which just gets even better as your kid turns into a man:

“Mom I know you work but are it responsible to leave a child with a gaping hole in his mouth from dental surgery in the house alone with another child who likely has Nora Virus from the cruise who is dizzy?”

Ok yes. Maybe I should have stayed home that day. Too bad next week I have to memorize a brand new course and give it to 25 senior people over three days next week and have no clue what is even in that huge binder because I am too busy speaking Spanish to the internet boss lately. And answering questions about areas even in English I have no clue about. And winging it in every direction! “Sure that sounds reasonable-yes I agree….let’s look at that Scott tool a bit more and adjust it”……What’s a Scott tool again?????? Hahahahah.

All I know is that aging gracefully is hard under the watchful eye of a 15.5 yr. old. Now each time I put on a shirt that shows my boobs I actually wonder if he will make fun of me! This is extremely boring.

Well thank goodness my husband is in a lovey dovey mood and is waking up each morning lately and telling me how beautiful I am and that I look like and angel while I sleep. I am sure soon he will say he is married and has some other  kids in California….or will ask me to take out yet another personal line of credit in my name so that he can have a glass frosted conference room. There has got to be a reason for this unusual and repetitive behavior right?

So yes living with a husband and a second husband now (who is way more verbal than the first!)…is quite something. I am scared of next year having that third husband join the fun.

Wait until my daughter goes through puberty and gets some boyfriends and a nose ring. Maybe then all this kind and lovely attention will get diverted to her:)

And they will leave me alone...happily nagging, talking in my loud voice to my non existent friends , in my tiny bikini, at work, loudly sipping my milk with a straw.

 

 

She

It’s funny how life happens

By speaking to a friend today over the phone I realized that one of my goals is to also make a new friend at work. Friends at work are so important to me. Oxygen. I have a few but I need another one too.

Well today low and behold the loveliest woman in my office appears.  The meeting was very random as a Director at work gave her my name to coach for an hour as she is suffering at home and work and having a super hard time. At first I said no..if I talked and hour with every person at work who asked me this I would never ever get my real job done. But for some reason I said yes to this one. For 30 minutes. Saying that I would see her and refer her to someone outside the organization.

So there she sat this adorable, beautiful lovely woman. Vulnerable, powerful, articulate. Nothing but the word lovely came to mind.And I thought she was spectacular, and everything she said and admitted to me, I thought took courage. I had deep deep repsect for this human in front of me.

The thought crossed my mind “Is this the friend I have been seeking?” Is this her??”

And as clear as day the answer came to me:

No she is not. Never. Not in a million years. She was sent today to give you a message. And the message is that you can change lives. You can help people in a big, big way. Not now…not in a few years…it’s still not around the corner. Probably not for another 5-6 years as you ensure your best self is given to your own family before you give it to the world…but for the rest of your life  you will be defined by the moments like you had today.

Where the fulfillment you feel in that “friend”….will become your life. You will be fueled with happiness and fueled by exactly the type of person you helped today.  I fundamentally love being called an “angel” and given a big and sweet and sincere hug during my workday. Makes me feel like a million bucks. And feel like making a million bucks too.

No…I don’t need a new friend at all. I am very, very happy with the ones I have right now near and far in my life.

The future is much more than a new friend.

True Articulation

I am a good communicator; it’s a fact.

I am paid to this and always have been. It’s central to who I am. If something is wrong, I say it, if I am feeling something I articulate it. I do it and I expect others around me to do the same. To me it is necessary..polite..respectful and a Must.

But therein lies the problem. First of all with me. My communication-may be good clear, timely and articulate but it can also be screamed, yelled and nagged very often. Most often to the ones I hold most dear. It’s volume could be lowered. Less threats, swearing sarcasm could be used. 

Secondly, I have read recently a study which states that only 10% of people are able to express what is on their mind effectively  or say or do what is their intention. That is a whole lot of 90% disappoint for a gal like me who has high expectations!

I also read that in your love (many forms of love) relationships you will have some with whom love is complicated with and others with whom love is uncomplicated with. The uncomplicated love is so wonderful in many ways-you give the person what they need and they give you what you need. But the more complicated form of love is wonderful too-it is often a dance between two and achieves more work but when you can both get the steps right can be incredible. Most very emotional and charismatic people fall often in this complicated quadrant. It makes them who they are. It makes others want to be with them-by the very nature that they are complicated.

Well Oprah said something the other night (among a million things) that I practiced in my life this week. It was phenomenal.

Say exactly what is on your mind…..exactly how you feel….and don’t expect anything back.

So I did it and it was excruciating hard for me. This was a situation where I had to put all pride aside..I felt instead of taking all those hurt and sad feelings and either leaving, walking away, screaming, yelling, getting revenge etc….I said to the person exactly how I felt.

It was extremely difficult. To feel so exposed. So vulnerable.

And most importantly to know that as much as this situation hurt me very likely the person in front of me was not going to change his or her ways. They have had a loooong history of messing up in this area-why would it change now?

And this is always the problem with me. When someone I really care about and love does something over and over that I find so unacceptable on so many levels…I just can’t handle it. My thoughts –as I clearly expressed this week were “How can you possibly treat someone as kind and sweet as me in this way?? I have done everything for you…been there for you..loved you….do you take me completely for granted? Is it not reciprocal this wonderful feeling I feel so completely towards you”? And my instinct is to turn away and run and never come back.

(I feel humiliated even writing this. But hey what Oprah says-Tari does).

And that is so so so super hard to say. Because it makes a lot of assumptions doesn’t it? It assumes an awful lot. And in the last few years in a few of my relationships I have realized that I cherish the person in front of me more than they cherish me. And that is a hard one to confront. But once it is confronted-it is truly liberating and it frees up a big piece of you to understand that truth. And to adjust expectations. And to seek what you need-possibly in others forms. With that person, without that person, with other people, or inside yourself. You end up accessing in yourself and the other person different parts. You adjust and change what you may need but you end up getting often a whole other bunch of things you never thought you needed, but you do.

It is a deep, deep process and takes an enormous amount of integrity and courage. To me it is probably the hardest ting a human can do is to become fully vulnerable. And to be able to forgive another for not being able to provide what feels necessary and fundamental.

And many people in my life I know have done this for me on many levels at different times. And that forgiveness is a gift. That ability for them to love me eventhough I may have failed them.

So I have tested this out over the years with profound and wonderful effects but it has been on a big scale. Now I am trying it out in more everyday communications….on a smaller level. Saying exactly what I feel when I feel it. And letting it stay there between us, amongst us..with us both.

And the most important part of this is not expecting much back. Moving on and loving even when every bone in your body wants to scream “Are you crazy???????? You want me to continue to love and nurture, and be there, and be supportive when you did that? Or did not do that? Or don’t; do this? Or do that?”

Because what I have realized..is that is the definition of unconditional love. That is what we give our children every single day. Second, third and fourth chances. Millions of chances to make mistakes. And we never ever stop loving them.

And the most important gift we give our children-is the belief that they will one day develop into the type of people somewhere close to what we expect. And what we need. And what they need to function in life. That one day they will look back and thank us for being there for them and doing what we do. We continue to love and nurture and provide..all in hopes of that dream.

And as our children..they provide us as parents..that same gift every single day. That gift of loving us fully, and trusting us and believing in our abilities and our love for them..even though very often we fail them and fail to possibly give them what they might fundamentally be craving from us.I always take my lessons in life from children. I find it the place to start when I am searching for answers.

 

My writing of this post is a biggie for me. It will alter things-I can feel it. Besides  I don't have much to lose do I? Besides my pride. And that is something I have decided to risk. It's something you have to do when you are trying to arrive at your final destination of Peace and Phase 2.

 

 

Stupid homework

Just to say.... I think highschool homework is cruel.

If i could be sure my son would not read this post i would insert a big fat swearword right here.


Did i ever mention how much highschool homework is cruel?  Let me count the bloody ways.


It is 11pm at night and he is trying to upload or download something for the 100th bloody time and it is again not working. Did i mention we had to pick him up 10 minutes ago at french partner house.? Did I mention he has not eaten any dinner or started any of the other 2 hrs of homework he still has due tomorrow?

Ya maybe just maybe i will write him a note to excuse him from the rest of the homework due. Use the ADD card a little bit.. Why not since we both seem to be losing our minds right?

Because his projects are are my computer and on my camera. That qualifies me as knowing how to use them right? Wrong!!!!!!

And my husband is busy trying to prepare to move his office after 30 yrs and my other techy son is sleeping with a massive gaping hole in his mouth since had dental surgery last night. What kind ofexcuses are  those?

all I want to do is sleep. Or read. Or watch a show.

THIS SUCKS ( insert major swear word here!)










Because

Gift from the Sea

This is a great book I have been meaning to read for over a decade. Today was the day.

Unlikely given that I am at a big party. A college reunion of sorts for my Hubby and a bunch of his friends at a Caban a Sucre and the gorgeous cottage now of one of his long time and close friends. It was a great day .

And then it was time for games for the afternoon. I quite hate board games .. So I gave myself my own gift.

I asked our hostess if she would be offended if I snuggled up on a couch in the solarium overlooking the mountains to read by myself while the other 30 people gathered in different corners of this huge cottage and played various games for 7 hrs straight !

Of course she said yes and I am having a great afternoon blogging and reading.

I love seeing my boys play and win poker. For money too! Certainly a new stage. Bear literally almost cleaned out 12 poker playing adults!!! Chase played too for hours and had a great day. They seem to love hanging out with adults and adults seem to love hanging out with them.

I love seeing my daughter run around this massive property with two younger boys she met here and them call her for some reason by her full formal name and not the short name that everyone else calls her by. They both asked for her phone number and were completely enamored :)) It's a good day. And Gifts of the Sea is a real treat.

I love the way she describes marriage and its stages. In the same way a child goes through various development stages so does a marriage.. And it needs to  in order to be healthy long term. If it does not go through each stage she says something is wrong and trouble will hit eventually. You can’t skip a stage .

Just like an adolescent.

After finishing that chapter I observed the 15 couples around me and tried to guess how many years they had been married? Less than 7 yrs? More than 10? More than 15? 25??

It was an easy test. Even without knowing these people well I scored 90 percent. It's obvious. And through reading this book it was even clearer.

Nothing to do with the clichés of affection of non-affection. So much more than that. Each phase has a different look.. A feel... And each stage is just as beautiful as the next.. And just as different. You can see a marriage and its stages. The security and comfort that builds year after year . Year after year having less and less to prove to the outside world and also to each other . The comfort and security that comes with every passing year of being loved and loving as the author puts it.

And then she talks about the importance of alone time in life with yourself,. as a couple, with each child.

“Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me" is how she describes a child's innate need to have his or her parents know him outside of the larger family.

In that space where there is no competition or equality or inequality or fairness. To be loved alone.

Her words solidified my reasons for our alone trips with each of our children. That precious time for them and us. It sounds silly but I can't wait until next year for that trip with Beauty to truly and utterly bond with her. Imagine waiting for a trip to do so??? Silly! But shows the impact those trips have. Bear has probably become the closest person in my life since his trip and because of his trip.

 

I love the gifts that gifts of the sea offered me on marriage and parenthood. And I am not even finished yet.

I decided that by opting out of games today instead of grinning and bearing it.. To be true to myself.. And to honor my time and my soul. To give myself what I needed and craved.

There is never enough time in time to do what we want to do. When we have the opportunity of that time... We need to use it. And indulge in it.. And claim it as our own

I will head downstairs now to have drinks and eat a lovely dinner and dessert. I will hold my husband in a close hug and be grateful for our almost 17 yrs of marriage and for the life  and love and comfort and security it continues to give us everyday. The foundation of our lives that we have built long and hard and carved out it seems forever.

And I will plan for at some time in the next year my gift of the sea and perhaps a few wonderful days of solitude. A few days or maybe even a week where I sequester myself in solitude at the cottage, on the lake, near the water and the mountains..... To write my little heart out and to write the book that has been inside of me for years

A separate project and in addition to the book I am co-authoring and that I am  also so excited about.

 

My book. Mine. The book that feels like it has been inside of me for a lifetime the one that Oprah the other night inspired in me to be written out loud and spoken one day. I am really really excited about the next decade of my life. A few years ago I was not fully in this space. Now I am again and that feels so good. I am finally there.  I am starting to know what peace feels like.

I think I have finally arrived at my final destination..

 

The beginning of Phase 2.

Until recently I never really knew a Phase 2 existed!