Beaten and Beautiful

I thought long and hard about the title of this blog. Usually titles come to me in an instant. This one was particularily important for me to get right.

This vacation has been beautiful (with still 4 days left to go)

I also feel like I have been shaken and beaten (not literally of course)

We have begun two new paths in our family. One that involves my husband and one that involves my eldest son. Both totally different than the previous paths. Both affecting me, the other two kids and the way we live our lives.

My husband has had some super courageous and proud talks with the kids and has decided to give up his favorite evening drink in order to ensure a good example is set for the kids as they enter these teenage years of their lives. To separate alcohol from stress and the need to unwind at the end of the day. To show them alcohol should be for pleasure and not for pain. This will not be easy for him….not at all.

And my eldest? Well let’s just say that talks have been had on this vacation. Everything we have been leading up to all these years as parents was tested out on these holidays. He is officially a teenager with teenage issues and teenage dilemmas and a teenage mind and brain. (Oh Shit!!!!)

However both of these difficult and heart wrenching events (may not sound too heart wrenching but they are…I graciously summarize due of course to protecting the confidentiality of my family)….were mostly beautiful.

 In the many communications with my husband and my son…trust was built. Tears were shed, vulnerability was had. We got closer…if that is even possible?

I love these two guys fiercely and both of them decided to get me when I was at my most relaxed: on vacation. Good for them.

And THAT is what I will always love and treasure about vacation. Staycations where you live your life together without the added hoopla of new restaurants and touring and park attractions. Where you just be together, and hang out together and figure things out together along the way.

When you work full time-you crave this time with your family. Just simple living. I would not trade these three weeks for anything. No cruise, not beach, no far off place could ever provide for me what this cottage does for our family. (although I would run to work during times when structure, homework, puzzles and cooking is required). Vacations (and not staying at home)..appeal to me. A lot.

I would not trade going through  the teen years for anything either. When I have all three safely on the other side of adolescence I intend to write a big fat book about how I got there and still have a smile on my face. It is fascinating and tests every capability and strength and weakness you have ever had as a parent. I am sooooooo glad I have done my homework and have been practicing ritualizing, and deliberateness and discipline with them since they were born. I honestly don’t know how anyone could get through these issues without strong foundations and boundaries already in place?

So beat me silly ok guys? Get me while I am down! C’mon I am ready for you!Because I love you both unconditionally. I love you both fiercely. And nothing you do or not do will tear me away from either of you.

Sorry to say we are stuck together for a good long while.

I hope you understand however that I may be a little bruised and broken from the fight. Still kicking though. And have lots more energy in me. I may be beaten up in some ways….but mostly I am shining. With you and because of you.

We did it boys. We did it.

5-4-3-2-1?????

It really hit me today:

That I have a hell of a lot of work to do in the next 5 yrs.

I have been telling my kids over the last number of years that by the time Beauty is finished grade 10 (so kids 16, 18, 20yrs), I would likely have a whole new career. A very exciting one likely involving having written a few really good books and likely being a motivational keynote speaker travelling around the word talking about parenting and life in general. Or even have my own popular talk show!!!. ( big goals I know! I feel best to set the bar high and aim towards it)

So at the dinner table the other night in front of a bunch of friends  Beauty says” Ya my Mom in 5 years is going to make a whole bunch of money and be really really busy and popular”

And that scared me!!!!!

I only have 5 yrs??? It used to be 10 yrs..then 8 yrs…how did we get to 5 yrs all the sudden?

It’s too soon. I feel like all my attention right now has to be on two things 1) my work-to provide for us and our family lifestyle  2) my family (in the reverse order or the order I wrote it. Both.)

I have a very cushy, well paid, interesting and challenging management pharmaceutical role. It’s where I need to be. I can never lose this role or company. Fits me and my lifestyle like a glove.

I have three kids who are in (or are going into too) the most turbulent times of their lives and need me and my guidance more than ever.It’s not academic guidance they need…it is ME. Often. THERE.

And that is how it is and where I am at.

In 10 years I will have all the time in the world-but for now I do not. And it is a blessing.

So I will co-author the book I’m currently half way through. Next year or the year after I will likely tackle my own book as has been a dream of mine forever and my thoughts are almost spilling onto the pages. And I will prepare that keynote motivational talk. It will be funny, and creative and inspiring, full of music and photography and dance. It will be an experience. It will make people think, and laugh and cry. I wrote about it in a previous blog. It is my future dream.

I will think it all up and rehearse it.But likely it will stay inside of me beyond 5 years…that is what I am thinking. It will be for me for now.

Maybe I will change my mind on this. And maybe I won’t.

But how could I possibly get up on a stage or publish a book that advocates for following your heart and being the best you can be for your family…when by the very nature of having that book or talk or show…that I would be often away from where I need to be? And not only need to be but knowing I need to be there? Even contributing to a book takes so much time sometimes I don’t know how I am possibly pulling this off? I take the time from weekends, cuddles with the kids, phonecalls with friends……precious time. But I love writing it!! Torn!

Motherhood is forever.

That being said-the chickadees only stay for a short time. Trust me……trust me. I know. I can feel one…..turning into a full on chicken right in front of my eyes. Feels like tonight in particular-he actually became a rooster.

My rooster still.

Our rooster.

5-6-7-8-9-10??

 

Standard Vacation Cottage Meals

All of these have been made in the last two weeks or will be made in the next week. All home cooked and delicious.

(If my husband left us we would all die of starvation. For real)

Weird to have a vacation without restaurants? Weird maybe but super yummy and super cheap. (ok well close too 1k of groceries so far but it has been two weeks and it is vacation!!)

Pizza with hot sauce and arugula salad with shaved fresh parmesan

Steak Paninis with provolone cheese and sundried tomatoes

Steak on the bbq with portabella mushroom and tabouli

Summer pasta with fresh baguette

Chop suey with greek feta salad

Shish taouck sandwiches and corn on the cob

Beef stroganoff with Cesar salad

Balti chicken with Greek yogurt and basmati rice

Chicken wings and parsley tomato salad

Cheese fondue, eggrolls, nan bread and arugula salad

Chicken soulvalaki pitas and watermelon

Chicken Caesar warps with tomatoes cucumber salad

Slow cooked bbq chicken sandwiches with coleslaw

Penne with kalamata olives, feta, tomatoes and white beans

Bean tacos with cilantro and Mexican rice

Fresh cherries, scrumptious ripe peaches, lots of bananas

Lemon meringue pie, sugar pie, caramel cones, red velvet cupcakes with white whipped icing, chocolate chip cookies straight from the oven

Crisps with brie and red pepper jelly

Leftovers on the dock by candlelight….

With this summer menu and these palettes…I am wondering how on earth our three kids are so skinny?????

(no mention of Mom and Dad-we are just fine thank you)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As Evening Sets In

Swaying to the sounds of a slow dance knowing soon the song will end

Laying under the hot sun with a storm brewing in the background

A lemonade with a bug in it that you need to then pour out

A perfect baby’s smooth skin with raspberry scar that people see instead of his beautiful smile

Waking up to the perfect day, but knowing something is still wrong

Bubble gum being tangled in the most perfect shining long blond hair

Falling in love and realizing he hid something from you

Realizing she wasn’t who you thought she was

Being at a table with all the girls talking about their Dads

Swimming in the lake but with mud beneath your feet

A perfect picnic with a bee sting

Wanting the cupcake that breaks your diet

Not being invited to the party you had planned your outfit for

Remembering as you smile at a joke and feel carefree that something is still wrong

Someone cancelling an event that you looked forward to all summer

Emergency surgery in the middle of a perfect weekend

A nagging sick feeling of pain that shoots throughout your body

Rain on your wedding day

A stain on your new dress

Falling hard on his head and worrying about him throughout the night

Can true happiness be felt beyond moments?

The clock ticks

5:30 arrives. The dark sets in. The light is gone

Change…uncertainty…promises.

Kept? Or unkept?

Betrayal and believing-both tangled into one

Hopeful and Hopelessness but felt in the same beat

Sadness. anger, bitterness and pain

Hard to breathe

136 over 100

Your favorite hoody has a hole in it

She left you without staying goodbye to the kids

125 over 101

Wanting to kiss. Wanting to hold. Wanting to love

Scared. Fear. No!

Screaming. Crying. Wanting.

Praying. Grief. Admitting

Sharing and telling

Wanting to be optimistic and happy. Can’t

Sharing, but scared to be a burden.

Accepting what is and what is not.

Facing it all

Dancing and Dodging

Alone and Together

Wanting so hard to believe.

Losing control. Realizing you never had any.

A new phase

A new way of being

Something important missing. Something that has been there always

Where is it?

How will he cope?

Will he?
Will I?

A new dance has begun. Our last one is complete.

Speaking out loud ended it. Untangled.

We will create something new together

With our children by our sides

Hearing words being said aloud. Saying them. Sharing them.

They have been set free and are in the air

The air has changed

Dark has come again

118 over 89

Sleep

It can be done

It has to be done

Breathe

 

Naysayers

I read a blog this week on this subject that really spoke to me. About Naysayers..the people in your life that are often not there to encourage you-but often actually discourage you as you find your way through this thing called life.

Often it is subtle in ways. Dismissive. Alienation. You would confront the person and they would say ”Who moi???”

Often the people are not super close to you either. Could be casual acquaintances, or colleagues. The naysayers that have the more impact are the ones that are close to you, the husbands, the kids, the sisters, friends, parents. The ones that are supposed to be there for you.They are the people that don’t follow you in your dreams. Or make it mighty hard for you to achieve them with all of their negativity.

Then there are the NeutralSayers (this term and the next one I made up). They are the people in your life who you often get the feeling don’t really care on way or another about things that are very often important to you. But you are supposed to care about their lives 24/7. If you yourself bring stuff up-they will be there for you-but they won’t initiate these conversations necessarily. They won’t start them. They don’t hold dear to what is going on in your particular life. Their lives are always more important than yours. Their issues so much bigger than yours. They will ask about your life-but often out of politeness when they realize they have not asked about you in the last few months…followed by a summary of their lives.

And then there are The Yessayers. They draw you out. They pull your dreams out of you. The create your dreams with you. They nurture you as though you were their own child. When you are with them you feel loved and taken care of . Recognized and acknowledged. It doesn’t matter if your dreams and pursuits are important to them-they make it important to them because it is important to you. They bring you further than you could ever go yourself. They visualize your future before you even do. They help you get there. And are on the front row applauding you no matter what. Supporting you in whatever way they can. And part of their support is telling you if you are in danger. Tough love can be a big part of yessaying.

In reading the other blog I did about Naysayers…I agree that often the reasons are less about you and more about them that they are not supportive (the same goes for neutralsayers). Often whatever is happening to you (especially if it is good) impacts them somehow and they feel negativity. Jealously, inadequacy, envy, loneliness, loss etc. (instead of expressing it to you-they naysay you. They make things that are big for you seem small to them. Or irrelevant to them.

Weddings bring this out in lots of people. Finding the perfect partner. Writing a book. Starting a blog. Having your son go to medical school. Getting a promotion. Having a new baby. Sometimes if you know a lot of naysayers and neutralsayers, some of the biggest milestones of your life can be so very lonely without them .

What is important to remember is that the issue always lies with them and not you. It’s not something you did or did not do .It’s often a lack of self awareness on their part I think.

The yessayers have more confidence in themselves and their circumstances. Have more security. They take your projects and news as your and not a reflection of their own lives. If they are jealous they get over it. If they feel inadequate they deal with it. It is about you and not them. They are able to out themselves aside and be there for you and nurture you. They make space in their lives to multitask and space for you . If you are lucky enough to have  yessayer or many in your life-you know that feeling of warmth, security and love. They are the very first people you will call and shout out your big news with huge excitement and passion. They feel excited about what you are excited about.

So are you a naysayer, a neutralsayer or a yessayer? Which do you want to be? Which do the people you love think you are?

I asked myself that question. I think I can be a naysayer with some people and a yes sayer with others. I am never a neutral sayer with anyone.

My naysay is more a devil’s advocate role which I am sure must be very annoying at times. It is the want to be lawyer part of me that likes to explore every single angle of stuff and ruffle some feathers. Its intellectual candy for me to take an opposing view and makes me more clearly on my own. I try to be supportive but sometimes feel it must come across as naysay. (but  an extremely supportive naysay). Something I have to explore more and work on. Sometimes I think I can really break people’s bubbles especially if it is an issue that is super important to me and we disagree. Hard for me to support something that scares me for the other person and makes me feel they are ruining their life in some serious way. This can make me naysay. When there is something positive going on..I am not a naysayer.

Yessay is strength for me. I am there for the people I love pointe finale. I think I remember what is important to them most of the time and take active interests in their lives even through my own crap. Maybe not to everyone but to the people I love most.. Sometimes I feel envious and jealous but I admit that to myself when it happens and sometimes even acknowledge it to the person too. And then move onto their stuff taking with me the learning of my negative emotion. I love supporting the people I love. If everyone I loved had a blog I would be reading it every night. I love looking deep deep into people and getting to know them intimately. I love understanding the people I love and their lives.

But the truth is as one of my BFFs told me a few years ago I am a better friend when someone is unhappy than happy. It is true. I have changes a lot since this feedback and realization but interesting for me to analyze why that was..or is? I think people run to me when things go badly because I am a great problem solver..decision maker and very directive. But that is not the only reason…..there are others for me to explore.

So the next time your special someone announces some great and exciting news (or sad news)..analyze what happens inside for you ? And what happens outside? How do you make that person feel? Is it how you would want to be treated? How would that person react to you in the same situation? And then decide if you are not where you ought to be and take action towards yes saying.

Life is too short for the envy, jealousy and inadequacy that we all feel. And life is also too short to be the type of friend who the universe only revolves around you and your issues as we all have many. There is a particular blog I read that often makes me feel a certain negative way. The other day I really thought about it and said to myself ” Hey you know what she has a great life..what parts of it do I want more of? How do I get those?

And then it is up to me to make that happen if that is what I decide I want. And support the happiness of others. Or the sadness.

Relationships involve more than one person. For them to be sustained on a true, sincere and authentic level they need to involve more than one person.

 

The Darker Side of Raising a Teen

I have only one-real teen-the other two close behind.

My optimism is real too-but it gets foggy sometimes and less than rose colored

There are days that he breaks my heart. That this stage of life breaks my heart.

I can go to bed feeling joyous and other nights cry myself to sleep

He still has the power over me just as he did when he was a little baby-to make or break my day

Only thing is I used to be able to control him and somehow make him listen to me. Now I do not.

Sometimes it is in his dismissive tone

Sometimes it is in the lack of what he used to say

Sometimes it is just plain and simple a swear word that rolls off of his tongue as easily as “hello or thank-you” Mom this tastes like shit.

It’s often as though there is a bomb ticking besides me. What will set him off next?

Or a kitchen timer about to buzz in about a year or so putting an end to all the family cottage time we now spend together and treasure

It’s in the way he will look at his Dad’s Corona beer and casually say”Corona sucks”

Or in the way he makes it clear at dinner how he wants to back in the city with his buddies. Since camp everynight. The boy who loves cottage vacation and loves us..now wants to go home? And has no shame in telling us this?

Excuse my language  but what the fuck happened to our life?

It feels is all so sudden. Hardly any warning..or was there?

It feels like the difference between being married 8 yrs…17 yrs…25 yrs…. All so very very different

15.yrs 7 months….I think he has turned into a real teenager. Like 25 yrs of marriage I will probably look back and say “gosh no….there is a lot worse to come!”

It’s the loud music. The long showers. The autonomy needed.

That it is not every single night now that he needs to say I love you a thousand times (often just a hundred)

It’s in the way he speak of girls. And mostly of the way he does not speak of them to us.

It’s the way he is more judgmental and critical of everything we do

It’s in the way he craves technology like oxygen sometimes

It’s in the way they tend to gang up on us..I can hear their conversations in the basement when they don’t’ know I am listening…..”another 12 days with them..without our friends..lets just make the best of it ok!!!”

It made me cry myself to sleep last night

In between a hell of a lot of happy moments

I thought ahead to next summer…and then the next. I am scared of the changes that lie ahead.

I look at the hair under his arms and beginning above this his lip and I wonder how this young thing (me) could have possibly grown the beginnings of a man?

And despite all of this crap and anxiety this causes…I desperately love him. Head over heels. Which makes being dismissed and disrespected that much tougher.

Because the good sides of him are GREAT.

I watched him today drive the boat . Not drive it with his Dad..or under our supervision. Drive it to do an errand on the far and other side of the lake and park it at the marina. He was made to drive boats.

And then drive the Jet Ski we rented and driv his siblings around and expertly park and teach them each how. Even though he just learned in the 5 minute lesson himself

I watch him waterski and be one with the waves and water

I smell the Ax scent of him as he comes out of the shower and shakes his long hair off to dry on me

I look at him across the table and picture the beers and the parties about to happen. In a heartbeat. Tangled in the next while in the comfort of a young girls arms

I look at his tanned skin and his long wild air and clear green eyes and can’t even imagine the man he will be..so sure of himself..so confident..so stylish

I watch him and he figures himself out and the world around him. While he figures out his place in it.

I take his hugs and his kisses as they come and lean my head on his shoulder now that he is an inch taller than me and feel actually almost small in comparison.

I watch as he still goes to bed with Coco. His stuffy from when he was 6 months old

I look at him in awe most of the time. That this boy,..almost man is mine.

And that is where the optimism comes in. Where I feel less annoyed and less scared than I probably could be.

Because the pride and awe always outweigh it. Looking at a life that you have grown and taught and sheltered and loved-become his own. Become whom he was meant to be.

You are no longer part of his process. You try to be and you sneak your way in there often and sometimes-but his process is his own now

I would not make him cut off his long hair if your threatened and tortured me.

I love watching who he is becoming. Who he wants to me.

But the dissing and dismissing and disrespect takes a toll. Somehow he manages to always make it up..make it all right. He learns many of his boundaries through me still.

I watch as he rides the boat, the jet ski, the car and I wonder what there is left to do for this child?

Is there a child left in there?

Why is he not running into my arms when I gather him at camp?

Why does he want to go home when everyone he loves is right here at the cottage?

Are we all here?

Has he fallen in love?

Does he have secrets?

How does he know that he thinks Cornea sucks?

How does he even know how to drive a jet ski?

I cry myself to sleep often and I feel the earth shift beneath me..beneath us…beneath all the routine and structure and comfort we have now.

And then I remember being 17 and going to the ocean with my mom for 2 weeks. And not even once going to look at the ocean with her. Staying by the pool. With all the cute boys. She was by herself at the ocean-I guess for 2 weeks while I hung out at the pool.

Together. Yet Separated.

I hope I have taught him well enough. Them all well enough. That like me…thay will know when it is time to make their way back.

Back to the ocean, the waves and the water.

Back to me.

 

Laying in my Own (made) Bed

Before these last two weeks I can count on my fingers how many times I have made a bed in the mornings. My theory was “what is the point if you just climb in it every night anyways?” Very very childish  I know. If you are a stay at home Mom and want to stop reading my blog I don’t blame you.

I always knew there was something that I did differently with our family than others did. For as long as I can remember I have known people running to and from soccer, hockey, gymnastic competition teams. Getting up at 6am for tournaments, rarely having long and leisurely dinners together. My husband and I often look at each other and say” how do they do that?” or even more so “why would they want to do that?”

Our kids have been involved in a million things-camps, sports programs, afterschool activities but not much that has affected the family schedule at dinner time and weekend s especially. It just has never seemed important enough to us to hurry, rush or disrupt family time on a weekly consistent basis.

The same was with errands and household chores. We did it differently than almost all the families I knew and know. We tried to get all our errands done during the week to leave weekends for leisure. Same with household tasks done early morning and late at night..all in the goal of preserving as much leisure and relaxation on the weekends for us and the kids as possible. For Summer and Winter anyways. Spring and Fall are back to back work for us both at home and at actual work on all weekends. Two relaxing seasons and two high stress ones.

Up until now I have thought that we have great formulas. I have never questioned it. I don’t judge anyone else’s formulas I just thought ours worked for us. And was really cool.

 

Through all the years however and starting when the kids were very young-I have also found our kids hard to manage in some ways. They get on each other’s nerves often and often don’t know what to do with them. We leave them to their own devices quite a bit and sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not. We spend a ton of our leisure time as a family-usually 5 of us all together. It is rare that individuals are off in each their own corners in our family. No one is behind closed doors. We are most often found hard at work-or all together at home. This has had so many beautiful parts but has had hard parts too. At one point when we had our other open concept living space cottage…I thought I was going to die. Felt like we were together all the time and sometimes drove me crazy. Although I must have loved most of it if I craved it every second weekend right?

So all the sudden in this last week it occurred to me what we do differently and what has not been a success:

Kids need less leisure time and more responsibilities. That includes errands, mowing lawn, laundry and you name it. They had too much time on their hands on some weekends/vacations throughout the years.

Yes I am big on chores. Huge on chores. But these take them about 15 minutes on a weeknights and hour an day on weekends or vacations. Doesn’t fill up a good part of day. Also they are considered tasks and chores (like when I was brought up) A kind of annoying thing you do to pick up after yourself and help the family. A required and unpleasant thing you do that you wish you were not doing. I grew up with this mentality..and it did not help me as an adult at all. To this day I consider any domestic chore..as a chore.

So yesterday and today besides their daily chores..we got to work as a family. Seven loads of camp laundry. Sorting, folding, and hanging out on the close line. We fired the guy who cuts the grass at the cottage and gave the job to the boys instead. We installed a “10 minute tidy” at different parts of the day which we all do together (well not Hubby as he is often the cook) and we put music on and all do it together. No chores or individual zones….just making sure it all gets clean.

And it was a damn good day I tell you.

And hardly any complaining. Or fighting. Or annoying us.

They felt accomplished and proud (I think as they would never admit it)

And they were kept busy and occupied with tons of time in between to have fun and relax too

And I think had a sense of getting what needed to get done vs sense of an unpleasant task that they were doing alone.

We don’t have this problem during school months as their school keeps them mightily busy that is certain. What we adore of the concept of the high school is that the theory is that the more responsibility teens are giving and the more work-the more they flourish and stay out of trouble. I have seen it proven time and time again. And it is true.

So we decided to apply the same theory at home. Busy bees. But in a fun family way. To make it enjoyable in the way that somehow their school manages to do ..Even with hours and hours of studying per weekend the worst thing they could ever imagine happening to them in life is being expelled from that school. Maybe they are brainwashed? Part of a big secret cult? I don’t know. Literally every student who goes there feels that way.

All that to say we are getting more domestic around here as I have mentioned before. We have been forced too as we have lost our help and are replacing her with 1/3 of the help we used to have. On purpose.

I remember a few years ago a friend saying to me when she lost her full time nanny that “it was the hardest and best thing” That her three boys became totally competent in the home and it was about time.But man was it a hard transition for that family.

This is where we are heading. 3 kids ..and a wife….will become much much more domestic. And not see this as a task or chore, but as a way to contribute to the family and add to the home. I have always added my brains to the family. And my heart. It is no time to add my hands. And show my kids how to do this too. (aka the blind leading the blind)

Besides a (scary) capable husband ..I want three (scary) capable kids too. And I would just like to be (somewhat) capable with a washing machine and an oven.

I have to say though today doing the laundry as a gang was actually quite fun. More than fun actually. It felt super good. Maybe it is because we are on vacation and have the time? Maybe it is because nothing else is fighting for our attention? Or maybe it is because I have realized that we were wrong all these years and the answer to family and marital bliss is a bit of soap and a clothesline?  I hve to admit I have always kinda thought if it can be delegated so easily what is the point? Why not keep the harder and fun stuff to do ourselves (yes yes I know very very spoiled and very very un-wife like)

When I realize I am wrong…trust me I admit it. Not just admit it but change it.

I used to think too much order in the home was a waste of a lot of precious time. I am now starting to believe that it may just be the secret to order in our hearts.

As my wise friend said to me that stuck like glue (like every other piece of wise advice she gives me ”Tell your kids and yourself that order in the home is a reflection of what is going on their heads and their lives”She is right. In the last two days for no other reason than a few loads of laundry and a freshly mowed lawn…I feel more rested and less chaotic than I have in decades.

Coincidence? Vacation? Watching Downton Abbey too much and laughing at the way the royalty is served and do nothing?

Don’t know yet. I will keep you posted after a few more loads of laundry and ten minute tidys. I may just have been converted.

I have made my bed every single morning for the last two weeks and for whatever strange and weird reason it makes me feel good. And happy. And makes me smile. This is too good to be true.Really this is crazy. Almost ludicrous, I honestly barely recognize myself anymore. Prancing around doing laundry in my bikinis I have not worn in a year or two.

And the trick to it all has been realizing as a Mother I will always always have to ask them twice and three times. Nagging is part of parenting. I have resigned to it as long as they are living under my roof. It is just not going to happen that they will do stuff on their own all the time without being asked (they will sometimes but not always).

I am resigned. I have accepted it. I have adapted. I have joined the normal human race.

(Don’t worry too much-the soccer hockey part I would not change a thing…not for us. My kids are super sporty and just won 1^st place in  just about everything at Camp Olympics so I guess it all worked out ok. They are still athletic and well-rounded and we all get to sleep in until 10am on weekends and have leisurely family dinners together most nights of the week) This formula won’t be changing anytime soon.

 

PS-if this blog has been boring you to death lately I do apologize. It has been a way lately of sorting in my head what has been brewing. Forgive me? 

Diaper Days

When you look at your children..you don’t only see the people they are now…but everything they were, they are, and they have been -all rolled up into one. Each thing they do you remember that little baby face peering at you through the bars on the crib, the chubby toddler hands reaching up for the coffee table, the arithmetic being learned and the first book he/she read at school.

So it doesn’t matter if now they are not those kittle babies and kids –they will always be to you.

I was looking today and how much our vacations have changed at your cottage over the years. I compare my life to my friend the same age as me who has three young children under the age of 5 and I keep saying “I remember that exactly!!!”

Today was not the day after homecoming I expected and anticipated. I had a very grumpy and rude teenager on my hands for more than 24 hrs. after camp…. one aloof on, and another one fairly neutral. A list of a thousand fun things to do and eat and no keenersL Things changed mid day today (thank goodness) Everyone got back into he family groove vs the peer grove and we had a wonderfully relaxed day. But a different day. Very different.

Music is the new thing around here. Loud loud loud music being blasted and danced too all day long. Not as much tube rides coveted. Lots of Jacuzzis outside (with music blaring) Lot of snacks being taken without permissions, lots of boys naked doing dishes!!! Laughs in the grocery stores all together (on attend le gros party ce soir???) Huge and over an hour long conversations at the dinner table from engineers to funny first names. Tons of laughs.

And the camp talk comes slowly out. And the girls and boys they like. And the slow song comes on and they all show us how they danced with their partners. One asks to turn it off as it makes him sad to miss her. Lots of asking when we will be going home so they can see their friends and new girls. Sorry kids two more weeks here! Poor you!

Very very different than when they were little.

Boys inside with their Dad now watching a violent, volatile, prejudiced movie together and laughing. Beauty and I cuddle out here in the porch all bundled up on our computers. Times are changing.

And as much as they confuse me sometimes. I love these times. Adore them with the same fierce love that I have loved all the stages. Each in a different way.

Laundry together, groceries, whipper snippers. Another post on that later as our lives are changing. Big changes. No more housekeeper!

Savvy and I texted this morning and she said something very true. The next 5 years are like being back to diapers and sleeping at night. Back to a territory that is unfamiliar and that we have to learn. That we have not mastered yet. All new.

The alienation after camp, the difficulties with transition, the talking back, the sullen attitudes. All part of the packages that comes with hormones, independence and adolescence. If you can hack it and tolerate there is always a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. You just have to wait for it to get a peek…and then expect the clouds to return again, with glimmers of sunshine in between. Many breaks of sun.

It’s all about expectations. All of it. The last 6 yrs have been pretty stable and easy. Now there is some turbulence. And there will be plenty more. I think we always wrongly assumed that we were fairly done at this point and things would be smoother.

Not so.

So as I adjust to slow dancing in the kitchen and having to come outside to talk to my husband and away from the music, as I lose my rights to fun family movies and as kids get taller than me each day and my shoes too small for them. As they take all my best hoodies, and stay up later than me. As we throw out all the chewable medication in the house and they take on their own laundry..

I smile.

I adore.

I feel blessed.

That we are all still together. As a family. Intact. In love.

A blessing on every count.

Every step of the way.

True Love

Yes he must really really love me.

And yes ok maybe I took it a bit too far.

I mean they were calling for severe thunderstorms after all, but somehow since it was our last night before picking up the kids, I wanted it to be special.

And besides I love the sound of rain.

Each time we walk down the hill towards out sleeping hut on the dock I say the same thing” We are the only people on the lake that are doing this” and my husband says” No in the world actually. Oh no..there are probably some people in Africa sleeping in mud huts too”

We say this each time. And laugh. Or I laugh anyways.

So yes of course the rain started severely at 4am. I had taken a sleeping pill (just in case!) so I snored away and did not hear it. He not only heard it but had that rain drip from the gazebo onto this face it was so heavy. Yes. Then he woke me up.

I was scared. Not of the rain, but of him. I knew I was in big trouble.

Wait until I told him I forgot the flashlight in the kitchen.

Is it my fault his computer got wet? I mean we had to watch Dowton Abbey on our last night right?

So towels on head and in pouring rain we go up to bed. I think he tripped and fell in a hole on the way up-I just tried to ignore it as I knew if I made conversation he would bark at me.

We went up to bed in our real bed (haven’t seen it much lately) he quickly closed all the blinds and the door and said “sleep”

(I knew he really loved me when he offered to open a window because he knows I love the sound of rain so much).

I graciously accepted.

I was ready this morning to be yelled and screamed at. Nothing was said. Not a word.

I guess this was my anniversary gift? Along with my promise of plastic bowls?

And I would like to have it again and again and again please.

Sleeping on the dock, rain or no rain, is my version of heaven.