Kintsukuroi

Translated to “golden joinery,” Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi, which means “golden repair”) is the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Beautiful seams of gold glint in the cracks of ceramic ware, giving a unique appearance to the piece.Apr 25, 2017

A person I work with very closely and cherish very much as a friend in my life told me about 6 months ago that if she had to capture my being in one word or sentence this is what it would be :

Kintsukuroi

To repair with gold .

And since that moment this statement has never left me . It was probably Of everything anything had ever told me about myself or what I thought about my own self , the comment that resonated with me most about who I am and whom I want to always be.

It was ...and is..a huge compliment

 And for the first time , also clearly defined my purpose in life on so many levels and put this into beautiful words

To repair with gold

yes I do that...

The only mix of words that makes any sense to me at all over the last few days since we recieved news about our daughter Thursday afternoon that will change the direction of everything

After 4 yrs of worry , anxiety , fighting , compliance , discipline , Hope , fear - we sat in the surgeons office on Thursday and heard that Beauty’s scoliosis has now very unpredictably increased by another 10 degrees ( so 16 in last 18 months which is unheard of when a child stops growing ) and she is now a surgical patient at 52 degrees.

Spinal fusion

For our dancing girl.

We sat there with the surgical team for more than an hour and a half going through the decisions , the risks , the surgery . In shock and in tears

 United in our trio . Strong . Sad . Beaten down . Beautiful together

I am not saying more for now as I truly for probably the first time in my life just truly don't have the words . Yet .

To repair with gold is all that comes to mind .

And then at the same time so much deep was going on at the same time with respect two other people I love so very deeply . My mom and Chase too . Shifts in relationship dynamics . Upsets . Off balance . Growth . Changes. Love. 

So much at once.

For now even if those are big and would normally take the front seat for me , they very suddenly take a big back seat to what will happen in about a year with our daughter . Laser focus . Laser focus . Laser focus . To prepare to concentrate , to make beautiful to the person who needs me most .

Yet that too is not the right thing either and I am smart enough to know it . Life will go on . And has to go on with me in it . I will need to think of different things . I will need to continue to be a mother to two others , a wife , a daughter . A friend to people I love who do not have kids who’s dancing backs will be fused . I need to continue to be me , even when everything has changed . How can this be possible ? How could I even possibly care about anything else anymore ?

I need to feel it all first

Then I need to figure it all out

Because right now ?

I feel like I can’t repair with gold .

For maybe the very first time in my life

I cannot fix it

Yet I know there is still a yet .

I will leave with that today . This is my last blog until my wonderful husband has my yearly blog book printed on January 31st every year .

 The January 31 has to be special . Important . Meaningful . He tells me that each year .

Jan 31 is also when my dad passed away . It’s an important date . Dad if I ever needed your help - it is now . It’s not too late dad and like we always said your help to me can be much stronger in death than it was in life . Pretty please ?

 I am counting on that . I need you. Have I ever asked really anything ? I am asking now . Make up for years of not being able to be there for me . It would make the world of a difference to me now 

 I need you to make sure that she is ok . She will be but I need you to make absolutely , 100 percent sure .

I am ending this blog now . This one in particular today and perhaps this blog for good tbd . Another January yet again is taking me in a direction that seems so distant , so hard , so stretching and so Incredibly impossible . Yet Januarys keep coming back and we keep beating them , the unlucky lotteries that seem to be constantly thrown our way .

And what do we do ? We make it all beyond good . We make it great . And mostly ? We make it count

All I can think of this time is literally ensuring that every vertebrae, every rod , every screw , every scar , every blood transfusion , every needle , every day of her year recovery needs to be gold . Sewn up with gold and Magic and light

Our beautiful golden dancing girl . With her talented , dedicated beautiful golden hearted surgeon . Repairing her with gold and fixing all the broken cracks of her now 52 degree curved spine

With her mommy in the background all part got the symphony. The silent yet mighty powerful conductor

 Of the life I was part of creating and the life I birthed . Protecting her every step of the way and ensuring that the scar that will go neck to waist for all her years to come after surgery

Is truly - made of gold .

Hubby has a bday ! (was Jan 17)

Hubby is always hugging kids and is best dad!!!

I think he is scared his cake is so small!!!

ok he likes it:)

Some bdays are better than others . This was definitely true in this case - my poor protector 

It started out great the night before his bday with a fun and wonderful bday dinner with his sister and brother in law and my mom and our family . We ordered in Lebanese and had a very very small cake that bear chose and had a super nice time at the table chatting for hours. We had not seen them in a while as brother in law had cancer treatments and was a gift in an of itself to see him well and healthy .

So that part of the bday was super !

Then his real bday came 

I had forgotten same day and had schedules both of us working out ( not his fave activity ) so felt bad that I suggested that . We didn't go .

Then I got super sick that day . And my cough became out of control 

I had planned out first weight watcher meeting that evening as we both want to shed some pounds and even if sick I wanted to go as first one 

Hubby was not too thrilled that I planned this on his actual bday . Given we had the celebration the night before I didn't think mattered 

He did 

Especially when he walked into a full room of  60 women and no men 

Then be it was his birthday I felt we had to go out to dinner so we did and I coughed the whole time and was miserable . So was he . We waited and waited for beauty hip hop to be over but it never ended until 10:15 .

The waiter must have thought we were the worst couple ever as just gave up on dinner and each went on our own phones ( we never ever touch phones during meals )

We were a sorry sight I bet 

When they came and gave the bday cake I think I was asleep on the table 

Then we got home at 10:45 and the kids gave him their cards and me a gift 

We had decided for his bday we would take a super super cheap trip to Miami for Easter for 4 days and surprise the kids that night with it 

I wrote a poem about it as we are going super cheap and driving to USA to take flight and not buying more than one meal a day etc . The boys were super pumped when I read the poem and beauty was so so so excited and was jumping up and down 

Then we told her part of the plane deal is no luggage 

None 

Only a knapsack on Back and has to carry all her clothes in that 

And she started bawling her eyes out and wouldn't stop . Like crying and crying and saying that she could never wear only one outfit for 4 days and what would she post on instragram about it . 

She also didn't like that if she wants a Pina Colada she has to buy it .

We provide water 

Did I mention this is a super super last minute cheap trip ?

We are calling it Shitts Creek 2018 

We have never travelled on that type of budget and wanted to give it a try . In our minds will be an adventure and just feel blessed to be able to get some sun and be together 

We also told them that their gift to their dad can be paying the shuttle from airport to hotel . ( not taxi )

The boys were very excited . Beauty was very conflicted and wanted to be excited but the luggage and water seemed to kill her 

All during this I am half dying and half asleep just waiting until midnight to pass so I would need to feel so guilty ruining my mans bday 

I turned out the lights and kept him awake most of the night with severe coughing .

Happy bday hon ? 

Could it be a worse celebration ??

Thank goodness the night before with your sister was so fun 

And we never did play cards to top it all off 

Sorry 

I totally suck 

Here's the poem I wrote :

Shitts creek 2018 trip ! 

When I asked dad what he wanted for his bday he was very clear : he wanted his family of five near 

He always loves Trent 

But knows that where that is where the majority of our time is already spent

He wanted to take a few days in the sun 

It would be so super fun 

The problem is that not money to pay given that we are taking big trip with Tristan to Bali in may 

We tried to figure out how we could do it for this man as we all know we want to make his wishes come true with a bam 

We came up with something that is good and very cheap but it will be very different and won't be our travel at its usual peak 

We will drive to get a plane in the middle of the night and cross a border to ensure a cheap flight 

We will share a small room and pod  - you will each have one night to get cosy in a queen with your squad 

We will eat light in the day and have a yummy  sit down meal if we may once a day 

Your bday gift to dad he asks not to shop for for 20 dollars USA you each contribute to shuttle bus  and drop 

Will be the cheapest trip we have ever done but totally guaranteed to be fun in the sun 

Will be an  adventure for sure and will be low cost and let's hope we don't get lost !

Let's hope there are still fares to buy - if not will have to forget this and tell the idea goodbye 

Inviting you all for dads bday wish to Miami south beach . I am sure you will be so excited we won't have to preach !

See you for Easter as we travel through the night- we  can always make it happen even on a little budget if we try with all our might !

Pics Vacation !!

Better late than never!!!

my office party:)

 My Tenor's great show at Place Des Arts!

Beauty baked for Charity:)

Client gift

Secret Santa Fun

Quiet Xmas eve buffet

New earrings from mama bear

Cool auberge on Dec 25

Squad charm

new haircut

the team::

me and me Ann-abella

we did such an awesome presentation that day!

our great extended family on xmas in ottawa!

Hubby said so rare to see me doing dishes!!

cousins!!!

the whole gang!

game with pie in face!!!

awwww

sooooo sweet!

Got two rooms at hotel yet piled into my bed anyways!!!

Beautiful xmas table

Cottage life and reading book by fire

good old selfies!

All of us finally together:)))

New years at Trent!

Xmas gang ottawa!!!

New year!!

Our Trio

You know how I have talked about laser focus and never ever giving up one a goal you want that is important to you ?

There has been a lot of laser focus for me in my life . Importent things like getting through emma scoliosis , or making sure the kids are ok with side effects of surgeries or long term medications , making sure my marriage stays in a good place and being there for my mom in her chronic pain and health issue

There are other lesser laser focus ones that are still super important ; making sure Bear was in défi sports , the kids getting good grades and feeling confident , managing our food and excercise and making enough money to go on nice vacations

Yet I don’t think any of these have come close my goal of having a deep , enriching , connected relationship with all of my children

. With chase and bear has been easy . Really easy actually . Of course lots of ups and downs , fights , harder more distant phases that can come and go ( usually very quickly ) . With both boys are lives are constantly intertwined , open communxisrion , emotional relationships filled to the brim with laughter and love and a sense of reciprocity and a whole lot of respect ( and normal teen disrespect )

We have been very very blessed . And it’s here to stay I think with a 20 yr old and an almost 18 yr old

With our daughter we have loved her more than life that is for sure . She is the apple of our eye but connecting with her has Been much more difficult especially as of 12-16 yrs old . Very very hard

Less with her dad . Much less . Much more with her mom ( me ) to the point of over those 4 yrs very very little communication and respect , very little openness or love shown . It’s been super hard . For both of us .

Sure there have been many times over those 4 yrs where we would have great moments or days or sometimes even weeks . We would experience lots of highs but then big lows . It truly has been heartbreaking for me in so many ways . Mostly bc of the contrast between my close close relationships with my sons and more distant relationship with my daughter but also because I had so desperately wanted a daughter my whole life and felt like I had somehow screwed up . Why didn’t she want to be close to me ? What did she need ? What did I need to do differently and be differently ? How could I reach my daughter ?

How could I make sure that this was just a phase and not permanent? That I could have my best friend mother daughter relationship when she was an adult and we could share so closely all the milestones of her getting married and having children and spas and shopping and girl movies and mother daughter trips ? How can I endure that we have a close relationship like my mom and I have always had and that is like oxygen to my soul ?

Well it took a whole lot of laser focus . If anything in my life requires friggin laser focus - this was it

I was not giving up

Four loooooong years and many years of doing everything I could possibly do to help her . And adapt to her . And connect to her . Despite literally being walked over like a rug and dispected . To the point that all the behaviour just turned me off and made me want to run and hide and turn my back . She barely ever spoke to me beyond necessity most days for real

Turn my back and give up on one of the most precious mist important people of my life ????!!

Never

Ever ever ever

So psychologists for her . Psycho educators . Other adults in her life as mentors . My friends reaching out to her . My mom . Realizing at least I was not the only one she was rejecting . Over those 4 yrs rejecting her brothers , her grandmother too .

But socially ? A star !! Tons and tons of friends . Most popular girl . Boys loved her and then steady amazing boyfriend for the last year . Thank god

We knew the problem was not too big as all the psychologists said bc of her confidence and popularity with peers

Parenting psychologists . Extreme 3 day 20 hr a day transformative psychological sessions for us as parents . Deep hurtful talks . You name it - we did it . And mostly hardly any improvement . Was so so so so frustrating ahd heartbreaking

No real discoveries either . Was there a deep hidden psychological issue ? Anger and resentment ? Was it wearing a body brace all day every day for 3 years ? No no and no apparently . This was not Deep rooted it seemed

Countless hrs of discussion with SK helping me to navigate it . Perfect person to help me as such a different way to see life and relate to people than me . A perspective I deeply admire but is not image in me . Teaching me to accept and love unconditionally and respect the diversity and accept accept accept . Emotional vulnerabilities at its finest

And you know what ? It all worked !! All of the above !! Laser focus for four bloody years and never for a second giving up on her or me

I have been too scared to write this over the last year as been too fragile and inconsistent but slowly but surely between 15-16 more moments and days and weeks . More respect and gratitude and love . Moment by moment and slowly but surely . It began with our alone trip when she was 14.5 and got progressively better since .

And now ???????? We are a trio . Her and me and her dad . We spend all our weekends and holidays mostly the three of us as boys working and away and leading a large part of their own lives and we have an Amazing time together . Like better than normal teen amazing I would say . Really really fun and we all look forward to it . We have our traditions st the cottage that we three treasure and we spend loads of time the three of us in a cozy comfortable way

And beauty and I alone great too . We are finally finally there !!! Close and connected and loving each other and respecting and trusting wachother . And when the many times that come our way of disrespect and teen stuff - I know she will come back to me and most importantly wants to

And she knows I will be here to catch her forever

The other day she told me I was her best friend . It was kinda a joke but I know there was a lot of truth in it too .

She was crying later about something in her bed and cane to me and asked me to hold and help her ( this is not my daughter ! )

She seeks me out specifically and puts hearts in all her texts ( always did this here and there but felt more income on and wouldn’t match her persona in worse. but now always )

She had trusted me with big big mumsrines in her life and we have worked through them together in a loving and caring way as mother and daughter

This girl is my heart . And the future ? It’s going to be amazing . I know we will will have many many special and wonderful times together and I am secure and confident on this now for sure .

I can feel it

Most importantly - I created it

One single difficult step at a time . One rejection at a time . One dismissal at a time . One obstacle , one fear , on joy , one milestone , one hope , one win , one heartbeat at a time .

Being focused and assertive and giving it my utmost time and attention over anything and everything on my life for four years

Laser friggin focus . Try it ! It works