The Happiest and Healthiest I have ever Been?

I went for my annual check-up this morning. I was sort of nervous to go as the new laws in Quebec make it very difficult for doctors to speak at all to their patients in 6 minutes appts.

Apparently, my doctor doesn’t follow the law and we chatted and chatted. I adore her.

After about 10 mins she said to me:

“In 11 years that I have known you I have never ever seen you look as happy and healthy as you do today”

And this made me smile. Because you know what? For the first time in my life-and who knows how long it will actually last as this feeling is fleeting…I feel peaceful and calm and able to take on the good the bad the ugly and the beautiful. I feel calmness and a tranquility and sureness. And through a very not calm period of my life-which makes it even more special. I am flowing ..people!

I feel peaceful and calm through a time of change, insecurity, hardship and instability. And this is what I know I have come so far. I have changed. For the better.

Trust me nothing around here is perfect-far from it. I lost my job and all our issues of 2014 although have made some major progress-are far from over. The earth has been pulled from beneath me really if you take a look closely enough. And you know what?

I am looking happier and healthier than I have in a decade (my doctor said it so it must be true)

I currently have one kids taking a huge tantrum upstairs bc his driving test is being delayed a month, I have someone in my life who is being nothing short of the most untrustworthy person I have ever dared to trust, I have huge deadlines at  the end of the day tomorrow that I have not begun and I gained 2 lbs last week at my offsite and so am starving myself on protein shakes for 3 days.

But I am content, (not so sure “happiest and healthiest” would describe my state right now exactly  but knowing a doctor thinks so is comforting and a nice compliment

Even though I miss my career terribly, even though it still pains me to still see my daughter in her brace and fear for the future , even though my mom is still far far from anything close to what she was before her concussions, even though. Even though..evenhthoug.

have learnt that I can deal with life. Sometimes (often) even calmly (friggin miracle if you ask me)

Deep breathing and walks every morning are helping a lot. So is everyday first thing as I wake up deliberately thinking both what I am grateful for and even most importantly setting my intention for that day. PS it is very hard to set one intention of the day and not actually achieve it.

 And my marriage and partnership help a lot. The mere fact that my marriage partner stays awake during (most) of our conversations helps a lot certainly!

And I lots 10 lbs since last yearJ that helps a lot too.

Chaos surrounds me, people disappoint me, and life continues to throw huge rocks in my way.

But me? Better than have been in a decade apparently.

Ha!

Being a Mother ( and Daughter ) today

It felt great to shut down emails and  all the work and just BE with my family .

My mama bear especially as it is really HER day. She is the best... As in seriously the best . I Am So so Lucky to have always had her in my life  She is one of a kind and irreplaceable and I love our relationship. If I don't speak or text her or hear from her even one single day ... Something is not Complete .

She is It that mama bear:)

The love of my Life. Could she look any younger????

For Mother's Day I slept

In ( heavenly ) and woke up to a big basket of cards and gifts . All little things and some jokes but Loved each one . Beauty got me a necklace and earring set ! And the boys a card with tons of pics from childhood and cupcake certificate ! And hubby a bunch of stuff . I was super spoiled .

Uncle Bruce came into our bedroom too for our little tradition and that was fun too

 Auntie Terri was last minute able to join for brunch too so we went our gang .. My mom and the chez Vito's to chez Cora on the terrace and had delicious meals

Then said bye to the chez Vitos and went in to the second part of the day . Went go the cemetery to visit our grandpapa  Max and grandmaman Lola. Tried very hard to find Grampy2 grave and got lost! Was a nice moment in cometary with the kids ... Very bonding and full Of rich history and legacy

Then went on to my very famous aunt's art show . She really is very well known ! Her paintings are very unique that is for sure ( aka my late dad naked kind of very unique ) Saw another non naked Portrait  of my dad too and really affected me . He looked masculine and strong  and healthy in that one . An image I don't even have in my mind at all.

It was healing to see him portrayed in that stronger darker more masculine way .

After museum came back and napped while Hubby prepped a nice but delicious simple meal of tortellini rosee , arugula salad and garlic bread . Delicious

Took more time to tuck in each kid and chat with them . Good to be home with my little family . Even avoided a big fight with Chase and just walked out of the room! Impressive eh ?

Happy Mother's Day to my own Mama Bear and to

Me too. We both made it and are still alive ! That is good !Like Mother Like Daughter..we are survivors.

 

My Dad

True Girl Power

Happinesss and Pride with her Didi

Both last night and for today’s matinee I had the privilege of watching our daughter’s end of year dance show at her school. One of 5 shows that they perform and finish up tonight.

This is not any show. It is more professionally choreographed and executed as any professional show I have ever seen. They made the Nutcracker look amateur that I have seen many a time at Place des Arts for real!!!! ( maybe a tiny ounce Subjectivity included of course but the comparison is actually real)

Beautiful, powerful confident strong young woman expressing themselves like never before through the creative art of modern, contemporary, classical ballet, folklore, hip hop, flamenco, folklore. It was so so beautiful. Five grades of them-the stage full of these power girls from Sec 1-5. What a gift they have earned to be in this program for their teenage years. What a beautiful form of expression. Dance will keep them and protect them from this adolescent world-it will guide them. In our family his school is our institution. It is spiritual and sacred almost.

Awww...

These girls were incredible- seriously. Beauty’s advanced group A sec 1 group performed two numbers-one in classical ballet and the other in Folklore-what a treat. To see the discipline, the grace, the energy, the strength, the confidence. It was seamless and perfect-the entire show. It made me happy to know how well trained these girls are-how committed they are to their art.

Folklore outfits!

They  were the finest of athletes.

Our gang (daphne too!)

I loved seeing the number with the five Sec 5 boys in the dance (non dancers but who learnt the routine) How they each had a powerful girl at their feet. Strong, forceful,  innocently sensual even. They each looked in awe as they should at the beauty literally at their feet. The power of woman on men was evident. Captivated.

Me and my two Vanilla Beans

And I loved their fresh smiling faces and their sweet (made up for the stage!) faces as they came and greeted their proud families. Beauty today ran into the arms of her Uncle Bruce (Uncle Boo) she was so happy he came all the way from Ottawa to see her-what a nice gesture for her to show her Uncle all that she is made of.

Beauty and  her Beloved Uncle Boo

I noticed she was wearing less than half the makeup than most the other girls. Natural and fresh. I love her look. She glowed under her little coat of mascara and slight lip-gloss. What a few weeks she has had of rehearsal day and night-it was amazing to see her get herself all ready for this while I have been away.

Yes he is very very tall!!!!

My Mom turned to me in the show in awe. We gave each other a knowing look just as I did the night before with Hubby” This school is worth every dine-every ounce of the energy that goes into the kids  staying there” This education is priceless. I would give up the shirt on my back to keep these kids there. I can’t even imagine if I had been given the opportunity they have been in education. Who would I be?

Pride and love

And tonight is lovely too and overall this day. Beauty is still at her last show and Hubby will go get them at 11pm. I came home from a week offsite for my work that I had been away a week for-home felt heavenly to come home too. Hubby and I went for the show last night and today I went with my Mom and Uncle and our boys and Chase’s sweet girlfriend. We stopped for fresh pasta sauce for tomorrow dinner and made a nice BBQ tonight. We sat outside and got poured on in the heat. Hubby and Bear watching and screaming over the hockey wins as the HABS win again as I write my blog happily beside them. The nap I took late this afternoon spontaneously and woke up the the hugs and kiss of Bear. The cookie the clerk gave Bear since he had said he had never seen a more helpful son to his mom as Bear took all the shopping bags from my arms. The hand holding of Chase and Daphne so sweetly in the show. My daughter’s talent and innocence and friendships.

The love that surrounds that daughter of mine.

A net catching her constantly of love, support, friendships. A peer oriented girl that girl. Her friendships are all like family. They are hers. Part of her.

The love in our lives.

The Power of Girls

Raw Talent is what we experienced today. A gift.

What a super day!!! Talented girls!!!!

Partnering

In the last few months I have really felt partnered with in so many areas of my life .

Really supported by really smart and capable people who provide me the gift of their time and energy in such a way that brings my life such an utter richness really .

And it is hard work to have this .. Really hard work . Partnership takes noticing and nurturing and watering . If takes energy and time and devotion . It is deliberate and needs daily attention. A partner is not easily forgotten. You carry them in your head and heart always.

I have always known that family is my partner and have always worked hard ensuring that . But I have also known that there are many relationships outside of family that are crucial and important to me too.

In delivering the 5 days leadership course  this week to a large group of corporate managers I realized how sad I feel when so many people use the very real excuse of "busy" as a reason to not have many partnerships outside of their workplace

It makes me fundamentally sad as I KNOW there is another way.

I feel partnered

As a wife and mother

As a daughter and sister

As a niece and cousin

In many ( not too many but just enough!)  deep friendships

As a trusted collegue

As a trusted ex collegue

As an advisor

A coach

A professional

I serve and I am served

I partner and I am a partner

I could lose it all as quickly as I gained it all if I am not deliberate and nurturing. Fiercely. Forever.

I choose to keep it .

I choose I make it all matter .
To make them matter
...and myself matter

We all Choose this.

What choice are you making?

No Coffee in Hand

A year and a half ago my husband gave up all alcohol for health reasons. He is doing great with these difficult transitions. Along with this he also decided to give up caffeine too for the most part. Both alcohol and caffeine tend to cause havoc on the nervous system especially in combination so he figured when he gave up one why not give up the other since all routines had to be altered to extensively anyways. Brave guy eh??

He still drinks diet coke here and there and once in a while if travel or at a resto some coffee-but for the majority he only drinks de-caf. And lots of it!

So since this transition I have been so aware of just how addicted the world is to coffee and caffeine. I mean this is serious stuff and pretty much everyone I know will die without their morning coffee. (I have never been a coffee drinker-I used to have a diet coke a day but now drink diet coke at restos or one a day on weekends only and often caffienne free)

People I know are frantic when we don’t have coffee with caffeine at our cottage or home-it has happened about 15 times in the last year and I keep forgetting to change the beans in the machine (which is not nice at all as a hostess!!!!) I have to get better at this but I never truly realized how most people can’t functions without this morning boost the minute they wake up. It’s a bog item on my to do list to make sure we have in our home for guests moving forward.

So this week as I am delivery an offsite program with my favorite Swiss colleague (and author of our book) in the beautiful area of downtown Montreal and having an exciting, adrenaline, intellectually stimulating week with so many interesting people…

I feel happy that my hands don’t need coffee.

My hands are full enough already.

Literally and symbolically.

I want to wake up in the morning and want fresh air. I want to wake up and connect with my loved ones and send a nice text that starts theirs and my day out right. I want to write on this blog and express creativity. I want to dream up my future and plan it.

And I don’t want coffee taking precedence over that.. even for a moment  (cupcakes and pasta however can interfere whenever they feel like itJ))

I realized that yesterday as the whole class walked in with a cup of coffee in hand-that I want something different.

I want to be holding others things.

I am not 100 percent clear on what this things are yet-but I am starting to get excited about the journey itself.

I want to be able to always say that I don’t need alcohol or caffeine to feel the pure joy I feel this week.

I want more. And this week?...This is the beginning of a whole lot more.

Noteworthy Other Bubbles

I get into big bubbles in my life often. I have work bubble/family bubble/friend bubble/ health bubble/ worry about scoliosis bubble/worry about Hubby bubble/worry about Mom health bubble/ summer bubble/winter bubble…the list goes on and on.

The family /friend/work bubble is the most consistent and constant and never really disappears but the rest often come and go. And when they appear they are strong and take over. For the moment I have been in strong “you have a new consultant career bubble that took you by surprise “bubble’. It’s taking a lot of my brain cell time these days.

So I am listing a few noteworthy other events and bubbles that happened lately or are soon happening that I don’t want to forget:

-Easter we celebrated a week late at my mom’s and it was such a nice and relaxed evening. She did a big hunt for the kids and in their big gifts of Choco bunnies they all found them with no ears!!! She had eaten them!!!! We all found this super cute and funny and then in the hunt they found the ears separately. My mom is so sweet and funny and good at this stuffJ)

-We had a family get together at Trent with my Mom’s side of the family. Was very fun and nice to finally get together again. My Mom organized a surprise for me and had a cake made looking like the cover of my book!!!! It was so sweet and the best cake ever and a card from all and a nice gift. I was truly so surprised and this was so touching and unexpected. I will remember it forever.

-Chase has a busy few months upcoming. Driver’s theory test next week and drivers licence test in June! Graduation ceremony and Prom coming up in June! Two summer jobs lined up for June! The kid amazes me and is growing up. We are impressed and proud  of him-so much going on in his life. Sec 5(grade 11) is no easy grade especially in the advanced math and science stream and he is holding his own-this stuff is not easy for him-but he is doing it. Go Chase!

-Hubby had a choir show at Place des Arts. I went with the kids and Didi. Over 100 person choir and full orchestra. It was really beautiful and a special evening for Hubby

-I am offsite all next week delivering a leadership program with the colleague I co-authored the book with. It will be and intense week and a fun one too. I love delivering this program- it is so impactful.

-I am busy these days trying to plan a lot of my life bucket list into 2015 given that my schedule is very different than it has been other years and may be in future years. Lemons to lemonade I say.

-Beauty’s dance shows are coming up middle week. She has a number of shows and they prepare big time for this. Weekends all day, all days after school, evenings, professional days. Their dance show is not an amateur thing. All tickets for all shows have been sold out most years and most to the public. Most of their teachers have studies at some of the most famous schools in NYC. I can’t wait to see our Girl!!!

-Bear is obsessed with HABS and the series. We can forget about any type of school schedule or routine at this time of the years. It’s just sort of a given that he follows the series-eats a ton of chicken wings at Cage aux sports and is not home or available during any games. That is the type of freedom you get to have when you have marks like hisJ

-Childhood Wonder and I had a great long road trip to Nanny’s funeral together and got lost many times! We had great talks and helped each other out in our lives. It is so rare to have that amount of time to talk to a friend. I really enjoyed it…it was precious.

-Hubby is taking up biking (ok he did it once ) but for him this is a big step. I am excited to see if he will take it up as a regular thing.

-I am really trying to find my way with technology. The more I am on email and texts the less I have time for anything else. Reading goes down the tube, blogging goes down the tube,  creativity goes down the tube. I am trying to set more limits for myself in evenings. The consulting route too is blurring it a bit-I need to change all my habits it is hard. This weekend I have put my phone away and email fully and although it feels weird-it feel so good too. Yesterday Hubby and I  went to cottage alone and read and napped and watched movies and ate and napped again. I love this.

-I need to trust the process for something more private in my life and I am trying to do this even though life has made it harder lately. I am trying to keep the faith, trust in someone I do believe in overall has good intentions and I have trusted immensly, trust that things will work out and go as planned and trust in this person and the process. Life has bumps along the way that can sometimes cloud our perceptions. I am trying to stay on track and believe that the universe will work it all out. This is who I want to be.

-Lastly-it is Mother’s Day next weekend and I am so desperately proud of my Mom. She despite major obstacles is doing some great work on herself this year and I am soooo proud of her. Next weekend we will celebrate with her and go to Beauty’s show with her and my Uncle and boys. Then Sunday brunch with Mom and family and Uncle Boo and then the cemetery to visit Grampy2 and Grandpapa is on-this will be interesting. (her specialty is taking what humans hate about their appearances and highlighting it in art while they pose naked). I am going for it and praying she will never ask me to be her model!! (we are not in touch very often but really want to see her show as she is very well known and want the kids to see this part of their family life)

Goodbye!!! Happy Sunday

Goodbye Her Nanny

I remember the day as if it were yesterday when Soulkeeper and I exchanged our secrets in 8^th grade up in her parents bathroom while teasing our hair and spraying hairspray all over our heads.

 “My mom is really sick”

“My Dad is too”

“It’s supposed to be a secret”

“I know. Me too”

We whispered….the shame and secret of mental illness was now a shared burden. This sealed our fate forever.

And then we hugged and hugged and cried in each other’s embrace and then got back to the more important business at hand of choosing what to wear that night that would impress the boys we were meeting at the park.

We got back to being teens. Now bonded forever through our shared sorrow. Finally someone who could understand what it meant to be parented by a parent who could barely take care of themselves.

Fast forward 7 years Soul keeper’s Mother dies tragically and suddenly. The event will never be forgotten. In the papers, the talk of the school, tragedy, shocking. She left behind 4 children aging in range from 13-21 yrs. Life would never be the same. Soulkeeper would never be the same.

We remained very close for many more years Soulkeeper and I for the births of babies, baptisms, weddings, funerals, events, drinks meals; but I pushed her away in many ways unconciously and unwillingly. I sabotaged the true emotional closeness we had as BFF’s throughout all our school years. We remained very close friends but our head and hearts did not work in unison.

I was numb. My Dad lived .Her Mom died. 

I was frightned to the core of what happened to her Mother. My biggest and deepest unconscious fear had played itself out to my best friend. My turn was surely to be soon?

In those years we stayed close but lost important pieces and parts of our friendship too. Some of it has to do with me unconsciously probably and some of it had to do with life itself. I had babies 12 yes before she did-we lived very different lives. In those years I cannot believe I left the best part of myself. I had to eventually forgive myself. I will spend my life trying to make it up.

Thank God she had Nanny. Nanny became those 4 kids mother in the most powerful and tender way. She loved them and fought for them and worried for them, and was a role model for them. She loved them more than she loved herself. She may have lost her only child but she made up for it by loving that daughter’s children. She was their hero. She was their rock.

Yesterday Nanny left this earth. It was her funeral, her burial, her celebration of her life. Soulkeeper lost her rock. She lost her Mom all over again. It has been a brutal week. It was a beautiful ceremony. I could feel Nanny all over the place.

Before she left over the years about seven years ago her spirit was already at work before she left this earth and she ensured that Soulkeeper and I got back to the place we always were in that bathroom as teenagers. Even closer together than those times-I am not even sure I can articulate our place in each other’s lives at this point over the last decade.

We deserve it. We had the strength to find each other again. Soulkeeper had the strength to forgive me. We fought our way back to each other with every bone in our bodies. Her husband and three  children have become an extended part of my family-I can’t imagine life without every single one of them.

We always say that Nanny, Catherine and my Dad are all hard at work together in the sky  making sure we are there for each other. That our families are there for each other as we lives this joyous and difficult thing called life. To now be each other’s Rocks.

I loved Nanny with my heart and soul from a distance. Loved her for the way she loved her granddaughter. Loved her for giving her everything her Mother could not.

As I watched SoulKeeper with her three adult  siblings kneeling and praying in the church in a line-my heart soared with emotion. The next generation of the children in the pew behind them and in front of me. It is hard to articulate what was going through my heart and head.

One thing I knew for sure?

Forever has just begun.

I felt the circle of life yesterday stronger than ever. Something had jut begun.

As I watched my dear friend’s precious three children run through the cemetary and pick flowers with the wind beneath their hair…I saw  us two little  girls-now turned woman…..who made it. More than made it.

God Bless your Precious soul Nanny.

Your legacy will live forever.

I got to live in the blanket of your love through Soul keeper. She shared that with me

I will take care of your girl. She will take care of me.

Thank you for the second chance.

A chance I cannot believe I almost did not have the strength to take

Fly.. Fly..Fly high against the sky..so high you almost touch the sky..thank you..thank you..thank God for you the wind beneath our wings.