We Get to Say “Phew”!!!!!

What date is it again?  Feb 18 2016...is the day our family got to breathe. Take in some air and just feel it in our lungs.

Beauty had her 6 month X-rays for scoliosis today at the Shriners Hospital and for once in two years got some hopeful news!!!! Hubby and I were so happy that we hugged and forgot to hug the actual patient!!! Lol.

So story is that she gets checked every 6 months. Usually it is not good or bad news but a wait and see. She has progressed a couple of degree…have to see what happens….if she gets to 40 degrees we will need to consider to give her spinal fusions. You get the picture. Kinda feels like waiting is a living hell (and I can’t even imagine for parents who’s kids suffer from much harsher things than scoliosis)

Six months ago was not a neutral apt but a worrisome one as she went up to 40 degrees and  got worse considerably and was borderline surgery (still unlikely as is close to end of growth but very borderline.) Were told to wait and see again in 6 months.

Now today- 6 months later- was a scary apt but with great news. She may have even improved a bit which is very rare in scoliosis) And she will very likely be out of the night brace in 6 months if all continues in this good direction (day brace dates TBD )

It’s hard to articulate how this feels. I feel so grateful just to be lighter and living normal life even for these few hrs. Not having something so huge hangs over my daughter’s head and heart. To leave that office and just talk about normal things life Starbucks smoothies and breakfast sandwiches and think about if I prefer my hair dark or blond. Freedom.

We set off after the appt to get the brace adjusted (this is about her 5^th brace (combined day and night) as she grows like a weed!!!)

I have all sorts of supports and really a village of people who care. Texts flood in as I send out the good news, Colleagues, Family, and Friends. We are blessed. And Beauty? Well she doesn’t care much as has more important things to think about –mainly the business of living the life of a 14 year old girl which I am so happy today she got to go back to school and think about.

I allow myself only two weeks before apt and X-rays  to even think about that there is even an upcoming appt. Then I only allow myself 1 day to fret and be super super anxious about it. That morning of apt I wear my lucky charm necklace and my mom holds two heart rocks in her hands until she gets my call from the hospital. Savvy strongly prays for us. Childhood wonder prays and hopes a lot too and sends lots of texts. SK asks Catherine and Nanny (and now David) to watch over Beauty. And wonderful colleagues send me inspiring thoughts to think of to keep me calm

“I am releasing fear-based intentions, and I am nurturing love-based intentions.”

“I have faith in the best possible outcome.”

“I trust life and am open to the outcome, and when the time comes I will know what to do as next steps.” (Trust/Optimism but with detachment to the outcome)

We went out to breakfast the three of us after and planned out her Brace Burning party that will take place the minute she is allowed to take brace off (maybe in 6 months!!!!) I cannot even imagine that moment!!!! We sat there and planned out a possible trip to Florida that she has possibly been invited to and would leave a week from Friday for March Break!!!!!

I am just so happy that we can say PHEW. Looks like our girl is not getting spinal fusion surgery as long as nothing really rare and odd happens and she grows a lot. That being said doctor said that her bones and skeleton are unlikely to change at this point and that the body she has not is likely the body she will stay with. If this is the case lucky lucky lucky girl (I would seriously give anything to have that body)

She deserves every ounce of appreciation, compliments and recognition. The kid has been through a lot and continues to go through a lot.

We loved seeing her shy( barely there smile) when the surgeon told her the news:

We walked out and we asked her how she felt?

“I like my surgeon” she said (then she just happily chatted about anything else except scoliosis)

Music to my ears.

YesJ)) I do tooJ)

What date is it again?  Feb 18 2016...is the day our family got to breathe. Take in some air and just feel it in our lungs.

Beauty had her 6 month X-rays for scoliosis today at the Shriners Hospital and for once in two years got some hopeful news!!!! Hubby and I were so happy that we hugged and forgot to hug the actual patient!!! Lol.

So story is that she gets checked every 6 months. Usually it is not good or bad news but a wait and see. She has progressed a couple of degree…have to see what happens….if she gets to 40 degrees we will need to consider to give her spinal fusions. You get the picture. Kinda feels like waiting is a living hell (and I can’t even imagine for parents who’s kids suffer from much harsher things than scoliosis)

Six months ago was not a neutral apt but a worrisome one as she went up to 40 degrees and  got worse considerably and was borderline surgery (still unlikely as is close to end of growth but very borderline.) Were told to wait and see again in 6 months.

Now today- 6 months later- was a scary apt but with great news. She may have even improved a bit which is very rare in scoliosis) And she will very likely be out of the night brace in 6 months if all continues in this good direction (day brace dates TBD )

It’s hard to articulate how this feels. I feel so grateful just to be lighter and living normal life even for these few hrs. Not having something so huge hangs over my daughter’s head and heart. To leave that office and just talk about normal things life Starbucks smoothies and breakfast sandwiches and think about if I prefer my hair dark or blond. Freedom.

We set off after the appt to get the brace adjusted (this is about her 5^th brace (combined day and night) as she grows like a weed!!!)

I have all sorts of supports and really a village of people who care. Texts flood in as I send out the good news, Colleagues, Family, and Friends. We are blessed. And Beauty? Well she doesn’t care much as has more important things to think about –mainly the business of living the life of a 14 year old girl which I am so happy today she got to go back to school and think about.

I allow myself only two weeks before apt and X-rays  to even think about that there is even an upcoming appt. Then I only allow myself 1 day to fret and be super super anxious about it. That morning of apt I wear my lucky charm necklace and my mom holds two heart rocks in her hands until she gets my call from the hospital. Savvy strongly prays for us. Childhood wonder prays and hopes a lot too and sends lots of texts. SK asks Catherine and Nanny (and now David) to watch over Beauty. And wonderful colleagues send me inspiring thoughts to think of to keep me calm

“I am releasing fear-based intentions, and I am nurturing love-based intentions.”

“I have faith in the best possible outcome.”

“I trust life and am open to the outcome, and when the time comes I will know what to do as next steps.” (Trust/Optimism but with detachment to the outcome)

We went out to breakfast the three of us after and planned out her Brace Burning party that will take place the minute she is allowed to take brace off (maybe in 6 months!!!!) I cannot even imagine that moment!!!! We sat there and planned out a possible trip to Florida that she has possibly been invited to and would leave a week from Friday for March Break!!!!!

I am just so happy that we can say PHEW. Looks like our girl is not getting spinal fusion surgery as long as nothing really rare and odd happens and she grows a lot. That being said doctor said that her bones and skeleton are unlikely to change at this point and that the body she has not is likely the body she will stay with. If this is the case lucky lucky lucky girl (I would seriously give anything to have that body)

She deserves every ounce of appreciation, compliments and recognition. The kid has been through a lot and continues to go through a lot.

We loved seeing her shy( barely there smile) when the surgeon told her the news:

We walked out and we asked her how she felt?

“I like my surgeon” she said (then she just happily chatted about anything else except scoliosis)

Music to my ears.

YesJ)) I do too Meh-mehJ)

The Perfect way to Spend Valentines for Us

We have a tradition in our family that I like a lot around Valentine's Day ... We spend it with the kids ( or whichever are around and single that is ) it's an occasion that is about love for me and never want older kids to feel alone so we always spend it and celebrate it together . Usually with a simple meal at ikea has been the choice . Or fondue at home 

Well this year we were spoiled . We had all three of ours at Trent with us and also three adorable  little kids . I call them all my yummies . Soulkeeper ( sk ) and M&M ( her hubby ) and their three little sweeties ( 7, 5 and 3 )

It is so fun to see our kids with their kids . Our kids look like Giants ! Cool to see them in that nurturing role and also seeing how hard it is to pull kids off technology ( a three year old is no different than a 16 yr old in that respect ! )

It's so different  now that our boys chill with the adults in so many ways now . Talking totally adult stuff too which is so off to the ears but our new reality ! And beauty is the best ever with kids . Seriously the best .

We all had so much fun just hanging out , playing games , sitting by the fire , chatting ,tickling the kids . At dinner we sat at the big table eating all the requested items the kiddies chose ( sausages and beans and rice , brownies and candy and sparkly water ) and we played discussion cards and took turns answering questions about families . After dinner the boys and sk played some poker and laughed their heads off . Then sk joined me by the fire for a great girl chat .

Then next morning was valentines and we all left little gifts and chocolates for the kids . It was so cute to hear them all so excited about treats . We Indulged ourselves and had the three of them come into our bed and cuddle with us and tell funny stories . Felt just like old times with our own kids and was way better than sleeping in . 

We all relaxed and ate breakfast and then headed out into the -25 weather for a little sliding and 4 by 4 on the lake and a walk . Then the adults went for a jacuzzi in the bitter cold yet shining sun .

Lunch was yummy . They made cheese fondue and two awesome salads . With Valentine chocolates for dessert of course . We all just fit together so perfectly . Age differences ... Just don't matter . Our kids just adore each other and are as close as cousins and the four adults just really click . Some great discussions and laughs . It all just makes so much sense and feels so good .i just feel that no subject is off limits : there is only love and acceptance and no judging on any level . Feels so freeing to just be who we are and present ourselves where we are at . You should hear some of our discussion topic !!!!!!!

Chase took a lift back to the city with them to meet a girl at our house he hangs out with for " pizza and a movie ". He is 18 ! And it is Valentine's Day ! Kinda hard to keep him back with the promises of a fajita and family calendar !

And the parents they are is truly inspirational . So many parts of me wish that I had known these ways and tricks when my own kids were young . No raised voices , no nagging , no power struggles . Yet firm and healthy discipline , boundaries and limits and a tone of attention and love and just being present . The result : three beautifully behaved happy children with some of the best manners and behaviours I have ever seen . Very very impressive .

So much to learn from these two parents . Both were social workers in the past who worked with teens so still lots of room for me learning and growing there with our own children as they grow into adulthood . And our kids respect them so much and look up to them .  They are as great compasses as they are cool .

Overall a weekend full of love .just perfect 

Hubby printed out my annual blog book too which always touches me so much and is truly among my most prized possessions .

I love seeing this in print in front of me like a book and also the picture and quotes that hubby attributes to that specific year . Makes the journey so clear and memorable 

Tonight he and I going out for fondue and a movie for our own valentines celebration which I am also really looking forward too .

Life is good .

My real day visit in Vancouver

Yesterday afternoon was just luck with the time difference . I lucked out with a few extra hours in the sunshine in a beautiful city .Today was the day I planned to tour .

Companies don't expect suppliers  to stay less than 2 nights when you take 6 hr flights so I arranged to have the gift of this day to explore my surroundings a bit .

Last night I ordered room service from the kids menu and then watched TLC . By 8pm I felt like it was midnight ( which is really was !) and I went to bed .

At 4 am I woke up of course wide awake but mediated my way back to sleep until 7:30am . An epic almost 12 hr sleep !!!

I looked out the window at guy the pouring rain and did a few hrs of work in my pjs .then head d out to the tourist kiosks for some ideas .

I decided on a nature adventure . In a yellow rain poncho on the rainforest called capilino suspension bridge 

This is what I wrote my family:The grand adventurer I am i am heading off in a few mins to capilino in the pouring rain with a big yellow poncho to go on a suspended bridge and see rainforests . Suspended scary bridge is 450 feet long 330 feet high .wish me luck !! Pouring rain ! 

Turned out to be really amazing . I wasn't scared at all by the suspended bridge . My heart did are at beating rapidly on the cliff walk though . Especially the part with the glass floors ! Omg !! I asked q Chinese man to take a picture and we were both so scared to let go Of rails for a minute .

It was worth it . (for me anyways!)

I also on the 30

Mins bus ride got to see part of Stanley park which I am sure on a sunny day is gorgeous 

 Was a magical day in nature . Close to trees water and good old fashioned beauty 

I prayed a lot ( to the universe ) and thought a lot .reflected a lot on my aloneness and how I felt about that .

Took it step my step minute by minute and again followed my heart . My heart took me to a secluded treehouse on the pond where I read all my fave blogs. It took me to buy homemade fudge for the family and towards q snack of a samosa at a random treehouse Cafe

My heart is with me now as I sit in the rain blogging and waiting for a bus .

 I think I want to spend the rest of the day just listening to where I am led .

In the rainforest today I lost what was probably my favourite earring ever :( a gift from hubby at Xmas and have worn them everyday since. But is there a better place to lose a jewel ? I felt a part of me was left in nature and with the universe . With God in my own sense of the word .

I walked away happily with this in mind .

 A wonderful relaxing way to spend my day . With the splendid universe in nature 

After the rainforests I took the bus to a cheap Chinese spa where I had a very Interesting massage . No receipt and no undergarments allowed . Thank goodness was a woman as the place was a little creepy . But I figure that most Chinese people are really smart and pretty much good at everything they do so this massage would be no exception. And I was right !!! I extended from 60-90

Minutes and she karate chopped me all over and did reflexology . It was super awesome and super scary at times . I had to tell her to calm down but man was it great ..

Then headed back to Gastown for the same Peruvian sandwich I have been craving since yesterday . Then back to the same store I bought the great sweaters and bought 3 shirts to go under the sweaters . Such great prices .then back to the hotel where I called the kiddies at home 

Lying down for a short 30 minutes and then I am taking a cab to the promendade area Robinson street for some window shopping and a little bite of if I find myself hungry again .

I wanted to do the fly over Canada assimilation ride and also wanted to use the hot tub on the roof but neither is going to happen as I had a huge tiring day and I think I will fall into bed after.

Let's not forget what I am here for ! Work ! Tomorrow delivering a session on time management for results and then a leadership

coaching session with one of the executives.  Then a red eye back home to fall into my own bed Friday morning for a few hrs before a packed afternoon of work 

This is an odd and strange life . And a cool one also to explore .Now that our kids are older business travel can kinda be a little fun . Actually based on this trip .. A lot of fun !!

I still think that life ... Should always be treated as a special

Occasion . And I have no intention of stopping any time soon .

Wandering

I am not the wandering type ( well that is I was not before today )

I left home at 6am this morning and came to the beautiful city of Vancouver for business for the next few days . I worked for 5 hrs on the plane which gave me the luxury of a time difference and a whole afternoon to enjoy myself today

A waterfront hotel with a lively breathtaking view and a beautiful city to start exploring by foot . I never knew I enjoyed wandering so much!

I decided just to walk out the lobby door and go where my heart decided . First stop was the sea wall right outside the door . In the sun . Phone off and just people watching . Then walked about 15 mins away and wandered boutique to boutique .

I found a store with a sweater wrap in two colours ( black and grey ) that just called out my name and said " you have been searching for me all your life " of course I bought both .

Then I passed this little dive of a Peruvian restaurant with a sign on the door that said best Vancouver restaurant of 2014 . I decided to go in and order whatever the chef told me was best .

Omg !!omg !! Best sandwich and plate of fries on the planet . Some kind of spicy marinated steak and chipotle and spicy sauce and grilled veggies all heated up with fries to die for with 5 dipping hot sauces . Pure heaven

Then wandered some more into many whimsical boutiques . Who buys a duotang that is plain blue for 30 dollars ? Whimsical for sure !

Then wandered back to hotel and passed a fancy chocolate store . Not even sure I have ever been in a chocolate store . Again I asked clerk to choose one delicious chocolate for me . Was called queen cream . So so so good !!!

Through all this I checked my phone once and hour as have lots on the go right now with clients and also feels  a bit Lonely to just be alone in my thoughts .

Saw a poster in agenda  that said student hair styling school and free shine gloss treatment so did this and hair is very shiny and felt good all day ! Who does this kind of thing ?? Me I guess ! Can't stop looking at my hair in the mirrors .. But 37 dollars for a little spray ? Maybe febreze would have the same effect ?

Stopped off at a Chinese spa and considering a foot rub for 10 tomorrow .

Don't forget I gained 5 extra hours today ( which I will lose on Friday !  So this day feels like forever . I am now going to take my book in the sun in the outdoor heated pool overlooking the city and water on one side and the ski mountains on the other and go for a read and a swim . After that I think I need to nap .

Finally the pool at this hotel had a broken Hot tub so I had special privileges across the street at the plaza hotel . Gorgeous pool and hot tub with a view of mountains and water  on one side and the city on the other . I read a book In the hot tub and contemplated returning back and crossing the busy street in my fairmont robe .then I remembered I was Here  for business and promptly put on my track suit over my bathing suit

Business travel can often be a pain in the butt -but if you end of taking a day for visiting can also be a real luxury too . Nice hotel .. Good food etc .

I am now going to unpack and watch a movie on this big screen and enjoy the evening and fall asleep early . And wake up early too and take a long  power walk-along the sea wall and start my day wandering yet again .

It's very odd to be alone . Wandering . In my thoughts. Feels odd .

 But Ahh .. Entrepreneurship has lots of advantages . I could get used to this .

I am so lucky...

How incredibly lucky i am


... To get to come back to the cottage to my family. To spend time to sit on the couch by the fire with chase and have him ask me to rub his hair and hear him talk about his social life, his life, his school before he sets back off to the city for yet another night of partying .

How lucky i am to watch my daughter fall asleep on one couch after a long day of skiing and look into the other room and see my other son asleep on the couch after is long day of teaching skiing and his late night at The second  real party he has ever been to in his life last night.

How lucky i am to come back to a husband who loves and cherishes me after 20 yrs of marriage and who shows me daily in his action.

How lucky i am to be alive and have the people i love around me safe and well .

I attended the funeral today of a boy who touched my life profoundly. My adolescence and adulthood and who inspired me in so many levels due to his kind soul, infectious smile and love of life . Each of the 7 eulogies today brought him back to life for me in every shape or form . Also the beloved ex husband of Soul keeper Sage ....  A time in both of our lives we will never quite forget . Pure  friendships with him .. Her mothers tragic suicide.. My fathers mental illness and the comfort that dave brought all of us at that tragic time.

Today he was grieved and celebrated . I am not sure i have every seen so little parking spots and so many tears in a room . So many beautiful stories of the  he brought to others in his short 41 yrs.

I loved the part when his family and friends said that even on his deathbed he was able to ask about their obstacles, their families, their work. He was caring and interested until the very very end. This was the dave brand. How he loved his work and was so good at it: president of a successful engineering company at such a young age . So accomplished personally and professionally.

The message was clear : love what you do in life and be good at it. Make good from it. This was dave.

His son and daughter tight in their mothers strong arms . His 4 yr old daughter sobbing as the music came on he used to play for her . His mother and her grief. His sister . His brother . All his friends paralyzed by sadness and loss .

I spoke to his mom and his sister . They longed to hear the stories of his adolescence . The love was so strong And their  anger at leukaemia evident. He did not survive the stem cell surgery he waited for and suffered through for too long. I told them both from my heart tat if either of my sons turns out a fraction of the man dave became that i would be so proud as their mother.



The world lost a shining star in Dave this week. Heaven surely gained an incredible angel


I loved and will treasure forever the pamphlet on his life that we all took home. The most beautiful picture of him on the front on a boat in the wind laughing and loving life. No picture could have captured him more : it was projected on the walls of the service. His wife wrote :

1974-2016

" the best man you'll ever have isn't the best looking, the funniest or the richest. He's the one that makes you feel gorgeous, hilarious and like a million dollars . He makes sure you know he loves you"

I drove and drove today alone to be there today in ice and snow. I paid my respect up close to his ashes and said goodbye twice . Once from soul keeper and once from me

RIP Dave . You will always want to make me a better person
You will  make me feel lucky for having had the honour of knowing you , the honour of celebrating your life today and the privilege that i will never take for granted of coming home to my sweet family with life pouring through our veins and beating hearts .

With love

Tarina

All In

I have shifted lately.  I think less and love more .

My heart is expanding as my life is evolving.

I am loving more than my family

My freinds are my rocks, and i am there. I have made place for them fully.

My work is my baby in so many ways ; am i allowing myself to be brilliant?

I am vulnerable alot of the time and i share the load i give freely from my heart and i don't think twice about taking a call from a friend  in need at the expense of a big contract .

I watch movies alone the kids would love

I kiss more . 

I am driving three hours early morning tomorrow to the funeral of a boy i loved . For him.. For her . But especially for me .

I feel numb. I feel alive . I feel i will never stop paying it forward because of his tragedy.

I feel complete lately in so many ways even though my family is growing up

I am all in

A beautiful 21 hrs with with a sad ending

Soulkeeper and I at least twice a year and if we are lucky three times a year come up to my cottage late on a weekday night and stay on the next day together . It is oxygen to both of us truly . We even keep lists of things we need to talk about to each other and we check them off one by one .

Soulkeeper ( also know as sage ) is not a big texter . I am not a huge phone person . Both of us adjust and she does text and I do speak on the phone here and there to keep in touch . We do have a lunch here and there .. Do couple stuff .. I babysit her kids with my daughter a number of times per year . But it is these cottage escapes that are the very best . Cream of the crop .

And we always have big stuff happen when we are at Trent . This time was no exception .

We started out with our usual routine . She feeds her kids and picked me up . We stopped in sauveur for a great dinner at Gibby's all appetizers ( hot bread and pickles , amazing salad , sausages and chutney , baked potatoes with all the dressing and delicious apple crumble ) 

While we were at the restaurent I realized I had forgotten my key to Trent !!! I called hubby and he told me that we had a spare key hidden and that to call when I arrived and he would explain where it was complicated .

Well took us hours to arrive as started snowing and blowing snow and no lights on highways .

We chatted and chatted and chatted happily all the way . Until we got to the big big hill at my cottage and realized she does not have a 4 by 4 or a truck ( we are girls after all !!! )

So we got completely stuck on the hill and in a ditch actually after 30 minutes of trying we gave up and took the long haul towards my cottage with bags in hand ( and she has a shoulder issue so I had the heavy load of it )

Well then we arrived and realized of course no key . Well by now midnight . Called hubby and he was asleep and no answer !!!!!! For about 20 mins kept calling and he finally told us the hidden spot . We were so tired went straight to sleep ( in my bed with fleece sheets ) and chatted and chatted in bed the next morning for hours 

Decided could not waste chat time on dumb car so waited hours until had long breakfast and long long jacuzzi . Best decision ever as no time for that crap .

We turned off our phones and email all day and ignored reality 

By 2pm realized we had a car stuck on hill and sage needed to be home by 6pm . Called tow truck ( well hubby did ) and spend lots of time outside dealing with this ( and chatting and chatting in between this rude interruption to our precious hours )

Dealt with car . Sat by fire . Ate delicious lunch I made . And hiked back up hill with all her stuff and said goodbye . I fell asleep on couch waiting for my own family to arrive a few hrs later .

Over those 21 hrs covered almost every topic imaginable in both of our lives and we support , listen , give advice , give some tough love and help each other . So so precious . There is no subject off limits . So liberating .

What a gift to have this time .

The beauty of it all abruptly ended at 8pm when literally we my sweet family walked in the door and I was asking them how they were .. The phone rang :((

It was Sage .. Crying so hard . Her ex husband who was also a precious childhood teen friend of ours very very close to us and with her for 9 yrs .. Had died :(((( 

After she and he broke up years ago he had found love again and remarried and went on to have two children now ages 5 and 3. He was so so precious and wonderful and a beautiful person both inside and out with a kind and caring and gentle soul. We both have loved this boy all our lives it feels like . So hard for sage .. So many emotions 

And now he is gone . Taken by cancer . Leaving his beautiful family behind to grieve him . 

It was a beautiful day and a hellish evening . Sage of course is completely broken . I am broken for her and for the unkindness of the world and unfairness of it all for a boy and then man I Remeber and cared about so much .

I felt scared all night of the unpredictability of life and the fragility of it all . How happiness can be stolen so ruthlessly and so quickly.

And I felt sad .. Very sad . And also grateful for the beautiful day Sage and I got to spend together before the storm hit and the sadness rolled in . Glad for her that she was sheltered for those 21 hrs before what was to come . It was a devastating weekend.

We cannot even begin to comprehend what his families are going through.