I like this expression (not sure if I made it up or heard
it somewhere) . It seems to take on its own importance and urgency as your kids
near the age of majority at 18 yrs. old-as everything really changes at this
age. Your child is child no more and can vote, is legally responsible for his
actions and in Quebec drink alcohol.So very much changes. If I look at who Chase
is now at 18 yrs old and who he was at 17 yrs. old there is really no similarity
at all. Nor the way we treat him. It’s amazing to see and be part of such a
shift.
I have been thinking lately about the autonomy of
children into teens and into adulthood and what we do as parents to encourage
or discourage that. Savvy wrote a cool blog on it a few weeks ago and inspired
me to also thing about it. Where we as are parents really good at letting go
and where are we hanging on? Have we prepared
them enough for life ahead? Savvy and I
also have great discussions on this as we both have boys very similar in age
and both have to move from controlling a
lot of what they do to letting go of most of it.
Also I find in our family anyways Chase often sets the
pace. When he starts changing everyone else starts changing too as they are all
so close in age. What Beauty is doing at 14 is not what he was allowed to do/
Bear at 16 follows him very closely. When you have three teens all within 21
-25 months-the ages just kind of blur. Chase sets the pace in so many ways and
always has.
Chase at 18 yrs. old now and in Cegep is really living
his own life. And in general fairly respectfully under our roof. He certainly manages
100 percent of his schedule and tells us most the time anyways where he is (but
not always) and definately does not ask permission anymore. He is in some ways
a third adult and parent in the house in that he does his share of the driving
with the other two kids and is very safety conscious about that and concerned
that Beauty is picked up when dark vs taking the bus. He eats at often
different times than us and often different much more protein led healthier
diets than us too (he gives himself a cheat day per week only!). He drops
courses and decides what he will do about making them up, and he takes the
consequences of the bad decisions he sometimes makes.
There are certain dinners and occasions we expect him to
be at and strongly encourage it to happen (aka scream and cry in his face) and
others that we have had to let go. Sometimes a week can go by and I have not
had 5 alone mins with him.
The other day he left dishes in his room and a total mess
as usual and I told the cleaning ladies that come twice a month not to clean it
and not to wash his sheets. Today he was 20 minutes late for his ski lessons he
teaches and he lost his bonus of the whole year. He understands consequences
and lives with the impact.
But we have also held his hand a lot before this and
helped him along quite a bit in certain situations (by 17 he was very very autonomous,
but at 16 we coddled him about more. We have always guided our kids toward
certain jobs and sometimes even helped them through to write emails to the boss
etc. when they get gifts we sit and watch while they send thank you tests, in
school we managed until cage that they were studying and at what times (now in
Cegep almost no studying occurs and we just hold our breath and wait of the marks!)
We often said yes much more than no in social situations and always go out of
our way to make it easy for them to socialize with friends. When they are in trouble
were often help them dig their way out. Is this the right way or the good way?
Are we doing favors to a kid between 16-18 yrs. old to do this? I truly don’t
know the answer….
On the house front we don’t help much and as early as 10 yrs
old never did. They do their chores, Bear does all the laundry for the family,
the state of their rooms is ignored, they make many of their own meals even we can’t
be there, they packed all their lunches since about 9yrs. old, they even drive
up in a snowstorm this morning to the hill from the city and were stuck in 3
hrs of traffic and snow. They take care of the house in lots of ways (with very
low standards!) and they make sure they are safe. In that way I feel they are
pretty grown up. I have no doubts that if tomorrow they were all three alone
they could fend for themselves very successfully.
But we have also not been great examples. Often the sink
has a pile of dirty dishes; sometimes our newly cleaned floors have footprints
of mud across it. In general our house looks good enough but not half as clean
or tidy as most. This conscious decision has consciously gone into my basket c
of items to let go of. I feel that if I focus too much on that there won’t be
time for the more important basket an items of mine. Or little energy for them.
Again is this the right way? I honestly have no clue.
So on the autonomy operational side I think we have done
a pretty fine job of preparing them. Self-confidence wise too very very good.
But what about on the values side? Family history side? Sharing our stories and
our thoughts? Not so great. Maybe better than many but not good enough in my
books. And most has to do with a lack of time and energy vs a lack of good
intentions really. As Chase turned 18 and Bear 16 their schedules don’t have
anything to do with us anymore (and we still have the 14 yr. old who will turn
16 and 18 one day too!) Chase works out 5 times a week, tutors economics for his
college, is a ski instructor, is a dirt bike instructor, studies and has his
own life. Bear is all over the place in school too as a ski instructor, camp
instructor, drivers Ed, kayak competitions, and national lifeguarding courses.
There is literally hardly any time to even speak to them anymore (this is not a
joke as with working they are always studying, working or finding a few well
deserved mins to relax and don’t want to bother with parent conversation)
But what I do feel good about has been this 18 yrs. old
stage so far. He makes so many crappy decisions and other really really great
ones. He exhausts himself and is often chaotic, but then also so strategic and
a long term thinker. We just stay out of it. Ignorance is often bliss at this
stage. As of Xmas we decided never to check his phone again unless there was a
HUGE worry of serious depression or danger (we checked it before that maybe
every few months and really did not feel good about this and has always been
very controversial) but as of 18 what’s the point? He is entitled to his privacy
and also the privilege of making mistakes as a young adult growing up before we
step in and help solve things for him. (so much for his privacy last week when
Hubby and I found a bag of soil and seeds by his bedside while I was trying to
sneak a piece of chocolate !! a whole other very very funny scary blog to
come!!!)
But in other ways it all just hurts my heart. To watch
the hurt and struggles, to see a ticking time bomb about to explode, to watch
what we know is not a good decision turn into a decision that will negatively
impact his entire life. And then sometime we do step in (like academics and
trying the best we can to guide these right decisions) But is this good or bad?
Again I honestly don’t know. My parents certainly did not really guide me or
help me making major educational and career decisions (well my dad tried to but
that is a story for a whole other blog) and I think I turned out very
successfully in these areas- so who knows?
And it’s hard to have a young adult live with you. That
is why in many ways I think dorms and out of town University good too as just
lets them really live on their own. But there is also something about being
adults together that is cool too.
Who’s going to pick up the ingredients for the pad thai
tonight?
We need to cut down on the grocery bill if buying 19
clans of salmon this week so here do we cut out?
Who is going to drive the kids this morning as they need
to be at school early for a ski trip?
It gives the kids that time to have you grow them up a
bit. Be there when they fall and provide still welcomed advice as they are not
expecting you are out of the picture fully if they live on their own. It also allows
them to also learns the skills of compromise instead of black or grey and learn
the concept of “yes you are a legal adult but you live in my home” Now my home
has to definately become more of our home when having kids 18yrs old but there
will be some rules (as minimal as possible in my opinion) that they will need
to just stuck to and abided by. In some ways it’s like living in a commune. But
a commune that is not fully democratic and has an autocratic edge.
And in some ways it gives the parents a nice transition
to towards being parents and having an empty nest. Allows us some time and
space to find our own ways in our careers, our couple and our hobbies. Allows
the bandaid to be pulled off in a gentler slower way. But it is damn hard to
live with near or adult children. It is messy and chaotic and like watching a
war about to happen knowing that you have the answers but can’t shout loud
enough from them to hear to prevent all the damage about to occur.
Lately Chase has been exploring the idea to go away for
University and I really have mixed feelings about it, I don’t know what is best
for him? What is best for us? His life? Our lives? But that is the thing: the decision
is not mine anyways at this age. It’s weird to know that a year ago it could
have been and that it no longer belongs to me anymore. There are parts of
living with young adults that make me crazy and I could do without and there
are parts that I adore and treasure. Mostly I think I am just afraid: afraid of
a life that doesn’t revolve around the family (imagine how stay at homes moms
must feel????)
To be
honest, I don’t know if at this point I control less or care less.
Maybe a bit of both? And I try to remind myself often that I still do have a 14
yr. old and that she can’t or should not be fully autonomous by this age. Or
should she? Again I don’t know the answer. It is all a wait and see,
I always thought our kids would not live away or go way
to University but at this stage I really don’t know what they will choose. That
is how far away from their thought is am lately. I don’t know what is going on
in those heads of theirs (doesn’t help that they work both days of weekends in
winter and stuff the rest of weekend so there is barely any interaction and now
in weeks bartending course for 18 yrs. old, drivers licence for 16 yrs. old,
savour national) all these activities tough on schedule but hopefully prepping
them for life to come?
Last weekend SK kids came over for the weekend and when I
saw her 5 yr. old wearing a summer dress I asked sk-whats’ with that? (It was -35) They pack their own suitcases when
they travel for a weekend and that’s what she brought!” Again I wish I had done
this so much earlier in my kid’s lives s I can’t imagine how this little
sweetie will be at 18yrs old. And she managed….she asked her sister for a sweater and pants later when
she got cold . Before she left she did
say “next time jogging pants and a hoody for me!” . OMG I was so impressed. (Ya
I am not there yet nor will I ever be. Beauty was dressed to the nines at that
age, all girly and fancy and warm! But it was more about me than her in so many
ways and I definitely see the benefit of leaving these choices up to the kids).
Our babies will always be our babies. We will never know
if our actions were the right or wrong ones. We will never have enough of being
parents as was (and is) the best thing we have ever done with the most pleasure
and worry and heartache too). What we will know is that we really did do our absolutes
deliberate best and that as they learn we learn along with them. We grow up ourselves as much as we try to
grow them.
If you really really want to take a good honest look at yourself
in the mirror with strengths and weaknesses –take a good hard look at yourself
as a parent. It is very revealing and very honest. Who you are as a parent often
reflects who you are as a person, friends, a daughter, a cousin, a wife.
Through
our children..we grow up too.
The question
always remains: am I ready to?
