You
know how I have talked about laser focus and never ever giving up one a goal
you want that is important to you ?
There
has been a lot of laser focus for me in my life . Importent things like getting
through emma scoliosis , or making sure the kids are ok with side effects of
surgeries or long term medications , making sure my marriage stays in a good
place and being there for my mom in her chronic pain and health issue
There
are other lesser laser focus ones that are still super important ; making sure
Bear was in défi sports , the kids getting good grades and feeling confident ,
managing our food and excercise and making enough money to go on nice vacations
Yet
I don’t think any of these have come close my goal of having a deep , enriching
, connected relationship with all of my children
.
With chase and bear has been easy . Really easy actually . Of course lots of
ups and downs , fights , harder more distant phases that can come and go (
usually very quickly ) . With both boys are lives are constantly intertwined ,
open communxisrion , emotional relationships filled to the brim with laughter
and love and a sense of reciprocity and a whole lot of respect ( and normal
teen disrespect )
We
have been very very blessed . And it’s here to stay I think with a 20 yr old
and an almost 18 yr old
With
our daughter we have loved her more than life that is for sure . She is the
apple of our eye but connecting with her has Been much more difficult
especially as of 12-16 yrs old . Very very hard
Less
with her dad . Much less . Much more with her mom ( me ) to the point of over
those 4 yrs very very little communication and respect , very little openness
or love shown . It’s been super hard . For both of us .
Sure
there have been many times over those 4 yrs where we would have great moments
or days or sometimes even weeks . We would experience lots of highs but then
big lows . It truly has been heartbreaking for me in so many ways . Mostly bc
of the contrast between my close close relationships with my sons and more
distant relationship with my daughter but also because I had so desperately
wanted a daughter my whole life and felt like I had somehow screwed up . Why
didn’t she want to be close to me ? What did she need ? What did I need to do
differently and be differently ? How could I reach my daughter ?
How
could I make sure that this was just a phase and not permanent? That I could
have my best friend mother daughter relationship when she was an adult and we
could share so closely all the milestones of her getting married and having
children and spas and shopping and girl movies and mother daughter trips ? How
can I endure that we have a close relationship like my mom and I have always
had and that is like oxygen to my soul ?
Well
it took a whole lot of laser focus . If anything in my life requires friggin
laser focus - this was it
I
was not giving up
Four
loooooong years and many years of doing everything I could possibly do to help
her . And adapt to her . And connect to her . Despite literally being walked
over like a rug and dispected . To the point that all the behaviour just turned
me off and made me want to run and hide and turn my back . She barely ever
spoke to me beyond necessity most days for real
Turn
my back and give up on one of the most precious mist important people of my
life ????!!
Never
Ever
ever ever
So
psychologists for her . Psycho educators . Other adults in her life as mentors
. My friends reaching out to her . My mom . Realizing at least I was not the
only one she was rejecting . Over those 4 yrs rejecting her brothers , her
grandmother too .
But
socially ? A star !! Tons and tons of friends . Most popular girl . Boys loved
her and then steady amazing boyfriend for the last year . Thank god
We
knew the problem was not too big as all the psychologists said bc of her
confidence and popularity with peers
Parenting
psychologists . Extreme 3 day 20 hr a day transformative psychological sessions
for us as parents . Deep hurtful talks . You name it - we did it . And mostly
hardly any improvement . Was so so so so frustrating ahd heartbreaking
No
real discoveries either . Was there a deep hidden psychological issue ? Anger
and resentment ? Was it wearing a body brace all day every day for 3 years ? No
no and no apparently . This was not Deep rooted it seemed
Countless
hrs of discussion with SK helping me to navigate it . Perfect person to help me
as such a different way to see life and relate to people than me . A
perspective I deeply admire but is not image in me . Teaching me to accept and
love unconditionally and respect the diversity and accept accept accept .
Emotional vulnerabilities at its finest
And
you know what ? It all worked !! All of the above !! Laser focus for four
bloody years and never for a second giving up on her or me
I
have been too scared to write this over the last year as been too fragile and
inconsistent but slowly but surely between 15-16 more moments and days and
weeks . More respect and gratitude and love . Moment by moment and slowly but
surely . It began with our alone trip when she was 14.5 and got progressively
better since .
And
now ???????? We are a trio . Her and me and her dad . We spend all our weekends
and holidays mostly the three of us as boys working and away and leading a
large part of their own lives and we have an Amazing time together . Like better
than normal teen amazing I would say . Really really fun and we all look
forward to it . We have our traditions st the cottage that we three treasure
and we spend loads of time the three of us in a cozy comfortable way
And
beauty and I alone great too . We are finally finally there !!! Close and
connected and loving each other and respecting and trusting wachother . And
when the many times that come our way of disrespect and teen stuff - I know she
will come back to me and most importantly wants to
And
she knows I will be here to catch her forever
The
other day she told me I was her best friend . It was kinda a joke but I know
there was a lot of truth in it too .
She
was crying later about something in her bed and cane to me and asked me to hold
and help her ( this is not my daughter ! )
She
seeks me out specifically and puts hearts in all her texts ( always did this
here and there but felt more income on and wouldn’t match her persona in worse.
but now always )
She
had trusted me with big big mumsrines in her life and we have worked through
them together in a loving and caring way as mother and daughter
This
girl is my heart . And the future ? It’s going to be amazing . I know we will
will have many many special and wonderful times together and I am secure and
confident on this now for sure .
I
can feel it
Most
importantly - I created it
One
single difficult step at a time . One rejection at a time . One dismissal at a
time . One obstacle , one fear , on joy , one milestone , one hope , one win ,
one heartbeat at a time .
Being
focused and assertive and giving it my utmost time and attention over anything
and everything on my life for four years
Laser
friggin focus . Try it ! It works
