The cravings begin

I never imagined my body would crave excecise or anything close to that .

Crave sleep food or leisure certainly ! But excecise ? No way ... Not me .

Not did I ever really believe that I would be in a good enough routine in excercise  that when I miss a day or a week something feels missing from my life . Unimaginable actually . And that my husband and I would be doing this together ? For real ?

I guess the slogan of " takes 90 days for a habit to form " is really true . In our case it has been 5 months that it took to feel any type of attachment . And trust me it is still not like intellectually i feel like ever going to the gym but physically my body seems to want it . 

It's not as though we are hard core exercisers either ! Only two times a week we do very very intense circuit and kettle ball training . Then another two times a week I power walk and my hubby walks with me or jogs . And we also walk to and from the gym both days which is about 15 mins each way . And we have been doing this since October 2014 with generally consistency ( with a few weeks of for vacation or injuries or travel for work )

What makes me so proud is that it really does not fit into our lives in any shape or form . We have no time for this at all but have really prioritized it and made it happen ( only took me 43 yrs !!! ) . If anything this would be the worst time to excercise  . My business travel is at an all time high and so is my stress level . My moms needs have been requiring massive amounts of time and energy as well as that we have lost all help in our home since January and we have depended on this help for years with the types of careers we have and built our schedules around it .

Both hubby and I have had big back issues ( mine  returned as Chiro dumped me ) and hubby a new issue last few months .

And both of us have no time for our lives .. Relaxations .. Communication or our important to do lists at work or home . But we still go to the gym . ( hubby craves it less than I do but he is disciplined and goes nonetheless )

So we have made it happen !! I can't believe it ! I remember a great friend and colleague sitting with me at barbies restaurant and saying to me " just commit and do a class once a week . Commit and make it happen. Every week " sounded like such good advice and simple but I was never able to do it and now I have .

And it is not for the same motives . My only motivation used to be for how

I looked . Now it is simply for how I feel . I feel stronger . I stand taller . My weight is the same but I believe I look better in clothes (even if it is in my own head feels good !) I am doing this for reasons that are more important : because I need to be healthy . I have had enough examples around me lately to understand that Health and protecting it has to be a number one priority 

Hopefully those push-ups and kettle ball swings are working their magic inside of my body . Hopefully those walks there and back and in between will allow me to more successfully walk up stairs at the school without being out of breath and do the walk of gods on our upcoming trip to Italy with chase .and hopefully it will provide a good example to our children of health and prioritizing  ( finally !)

It's probably just a coincidence but everyone this year in our house is in the best shape of their lives . All three kids are pure athletes and already in shape but this year have taken it to another level . Bear now works out at his lunch hour at the gym 5 days a week. Chase 3-4 times a week at a gym and hired a personal trainer with his own money and super into health and fitness and eating well  . And beauty is always working out bc of dance many days a week after school and has now said wants to add more cardio to the mix and start running with her dad 

I think the kids see how busy are lives are and how little time we have to spare but yet early mornings leave the house and come back sweaty . It has changed something in us .. In them and in our lives .

It is hard but necessary for us 

We made it happen after years and years and years of talking about it and no action .

Just do it !!

Matters of the Heart

Matters of the heart

( sorry for typos on an ipad )

As you know from this blog - i am a very open person. I see truth and vulnerability as a strength and i admire it so much in both others and myself as i evolve into the type of person that is able to more and more feel what i feel.

But when i look at this blog over the last number or years  i rarely write about that is a big part or my heart. My mom and her health( or lack of it ) i write about her often as she is such a big part of our daily lives ..... But i don't write much about the heartbreaking parts as it is as if my head allows myself to believe it all.


My mom is one of the closet closest people in my life . Sometimes i feel like saying she is the closet but over the years i have made the important journey of not allowing that and making  more place in my heart for my husband , my kids and my friends . And my own life .
I am an only child and have had a complex and beautiful relationship with my mom . And we are still as close as peanut butter and jam. And strikingly different in personality yet share a lot of he same outward appearance


My dad was super super unwell growing up and made it a very difficult life in many ways as a child but i always had my mom as the beautiful anchor of it all . Hard to say i had a hard childhood with her in it .

Years of pain have plagued my mom . As of my mid teens i just remember her always focusing on health and pain whether it be in her stomach , shoulder , exhaustion . It seemed to jump from one place in her body to the next and was always a focus but not the centre of who she was . But it was always there . Growing up with my dad so constantly unwell from a mental health standpoint made me keenly aware of when my mom was not well physically as there was nothing  i wanted more than to know that at least one of my parents was well and able .


Over the years my mom has had a lot of stuff going on  but nothing crazy . The stuff of inflammatory arthritis, sever asthma , thyroid issues , stomach issues etc . You name an aliment and she has it. But they have all fallen into the category of although annoying and painful ..... Manageable

Then her world ( and mine ) turned upside down 2.5 yrs ago when she bumped her head and was left with a concussion .
That never went away.

She was one of the unlucky few that had post concussion syndrome and daily since has not had the same life . Headaches daily almost , not being able to watch tv or read more than a few mins  of or a few pages etc . She works 2 days a week and has had to go back and forth being able to work and not being able to work . The first year was awful , the second year a little bit more ( very slightly) doable  and the last 6 months finally improving where she could watch a half movie often with sunglasses on maybe once a month

Then 14 days ago she hit her head slightly again . And this when you have already a traumatic brain injury ...  you  re concuss and puts you back to square one . It is extremely common to happen over and over and over

So there she is back at sqarew one . In her apartment . Alone . Not even  being able to answer one single  text without a new headache and new nausea . Not being able to do anything at all except lie there and rest . Saying goodbye to what was and hello to this living hell that never seems to end. Depending on people for the simplest of tasks .

I have not seen improvement in the last 14 days and i am petrified .
I am scared
I am angry
But mostly i am heartbroken

And i am praying really really hard that there is an end to this ever ending nightmare . Tomorrow i go with her to an appt that has nothing to do with this to find out what to do with a tumour that  has grown near her neck and if it requires surgery . Just one more thing to add the long list of pain and difficulties .

I am working tirelessly to help my mom , to be there for her , but more important to research and find her help, get that help , prepare he medical files . But mostly i am in shock and in awe of how quickly things in life can deteriorate

And as much happiness in my life as there is .... Its hard to feel it when another part of my heart is so low and sad . There are very few things in this world or people at i love as much as my mommy or that i am as connected or committed to. This happening to her on every level feels like it is happening to me

I half two brothers and they are my half brothers as we shared the same dad but not the same mom . At one point one of them said to me doing the dying process of my dad how alone he felt on so many levels and felt it was so hard as he didn't feel that he could share those deep intimates feelings of sadness with me about a person he really loved ( which was true as my dad and i were  almost strangers  for many years of my older adult life life on and off)

And i looked at him and felt so much pain for him . So much sadness . I caused it- but i also got it completely . As i have felt that my entire life being my moms only child.  Loving someone alone ... Is lonely. And my mom is young and 65 and not married . Her and my dad divorced 20 yrs ago and my dad passed away 5 yrs ago.


So if anyone out there has any advice or help i am here please to take it . Not much is out there  for concussion  and post concussion patients . And my goal is at least to get my mom to a place where she can function again and read the love letters of my heart i will  always send her .

When it is Beautiful

When over a year ago now I made the switch from working in a big company to working for myself from home .. One of my biggest worries was being around when the kids are home from school 

 I know this would be most Mom's  dreams . But it was not mine . At all.

For me work hours are work hours and home hours are home hours . And I treasure both . Massively . Intensely 

I had a hard time believing that I would enjoy mixing the two from 3:30-6:30 which is also a mega productive  and usually busy work time frame for me where I get a lot done .

But you know what ? It works well ! And shocking to me I get to witness some pretty beautiful moments between clients and calls and meetings .

And I really enjoy this part . To the degree that some of my best moments with my kids have been those in between ones .. The very ones that I thought I might resent .

It's just one or two mins here and there that I leave my office or ask them how their day was but its moments I never saw before . I missed that part of their life and it is fun to see little snippets of it now . I actually sometimes look forward to seeing them at this time 

And while on the subject of resentment we can speak about that there is rearwly a moment my kids have their devices in hand ( seems like always ) that I am not resentful . Of this works and what it has become and my part on it .

Well today instead of resenting technology I found it beautiful 

At around 5pm I hear my two boys squealing in delight on the phone together (a rare sound for two teen boys!) and one outside playing basketball and one napping on the couch . And they call each other and have this very intense excited anxious conversation for about 20 mins . I am not focusing on them but on my work so not sure what it is about . Then the one outside comes inside,s and I hear nothing for another 20 mins but silence but know they are together in the living room together 

So curiousity gets the best of me and I go and observe them quietly . And there they are the two of them on their phones . Sweetly videotaping and texting girls about the little baby squirrel outside on our lawn :)) 

They were mesmerized and wanted to ensure they caught every moment on tape and texted immediately all their friends (the girls who would find this adorable of course!) to tell them all about it 

I loved seeing my boys who are getting more muscular and fitter and stronger by the day .. being so touched and intrigued my this  tiny baby animal .

Bear was so scared to come in from playing basketball as he was super scared that the mother squirrel would attack him if  he came near the door where her new baby was . So he called his brother to keep guard and videotape every move of the mother squirrel so he could sneak past her to the back yard 

 Them inside they were completely mesmerized by this little thing and freaking out that a crow landed near it and almost scooped it up and attacked it .

Both of them admitted that they would have cried if the crow had success . Chase lost interest after about 20 mins but Bear kept on watching that baby for well of an hour . Watching it .. Texting about it ... Videotaping it . Protecting it 

Just like his Dad . A protector .I hope our daughter marries a man like this one day .

I have never seen these types of moments fromthe boys . They have probably often been there but I have missed them . I close to focus on something else.

 So although many a time I have resented having to work often from home and most days of the week I resent the time that our kids mindlessly spend on the phone .... I realized today that both getting to have these moments and technology can also be beautiful 

That it is these often small moments that make up a life of wonder and joy and peace . And I am glad I get to be home to be able to witness them even for short moments while at the same time not having to interfere with my work getting done . I can do both . Well and successfully.

Because In the end I realize that life is just a series and string of all of this put together .

And even though today my Bear woke me up to tell me early and sadly that the little squirrel had died and was in our yard .. I still felt grateful that the squirrel had had a day or two to enjoy the world and be protected by his mommy and my sweet son .

The deadlines , the homework , the conference calls , a stop for a bowl of grapes , a little ( or a lot ! ) of nagging here and there, framing pretty picture , having layers of work and life stress ... And mostly watching my two boys admire a baby squirrel .

Does it get better than this ?

I should think not 

Punta Cana Mother- Daughter trip 2016 (and a few other random thoughts)

If it is possible to have just one all time favorite picture of your child-this is mine for sure

And this is my all time fave pic of the two of us (ps she is biting my ear in this picture and we thought the photographer was crazy for suggesting this!!!)

I choose this one to hang in my room...

She chose this one to hang in hers...

This trip  was so beyond my expectations it is very hard to articulate. We got back what we always should have had.




And a sidenote: This morning the expression "Don't let Good be the enemy of Great" kept rolling through my mind. I had visions of coming home last night and before the reality all set in,  relaxing the family of five without a care in the world..I had visions of getting up today and before working posting a blog with all my favorite pics. I had promised myself these things and made space for them.

Instead I came home and spent the evening on the internet doing medical research that was necessary....I fell asleep feeling sad instead of happy.....I got up this morning and struggled for hours on the blog site and my phone to post pics that were not upside down...I posted 6 pics instead of 60.
I looked at my day and am scared (and won't even have time to unpack my toothbrush as have no food in the house)
But you know what? That is life..that is reality.
It belongs to me
And I cherish it all
I cherish and am grateful for every single moment I get to be alive on this beautiful earth

We don't want to go home!!!!!

Do you know what were my favorite moments of this mother - daughter trip where ?

 Absolutely Everything .

And so little had to do with the actual resort ( which was very nice don't get me wrong ) . What made this time magical was being the two of us . Getting along so well and 24/7 together 

Some things to  always remember :

There is a little bed and a big bed in room . She never slept on little one but with me in big one everynight 

How even in her sexy bathing suits and short shorts she still wears these little girl plastic colourful sunglasses that remind me she is 14 yrs old 

Seeing Jackson Avery from greys on the beach and him paying attention to us:))

The way beauty's face would go beet red each time a waiter would joke with her 

Our buggy rides after the show and our totally Drunk buggy driver who was crazy 

The teen talent show . Was so bad it was a comedy !!!

The little kid talent show was sooooo cute !!!

The desserts are phenomenal ( and I am not a dessert  person at all and neither is meh meh )

Closing the blinds at night ( well trying too )

Reading Sarah and Solomon and waiting for something to actually happen 

The messed up blotchy arm spray tan !!!!

All the jokes I played on her :

Beauty there is blood on your bathing suit !!

Let's take a picture in front of this cleaning cart !

Yes your face is dirty !!

Beauty trying and trying  to tan 

The photo shoot with beauty biting my ear and actually choosing that as our fave !!!

Many many outfits 

Beauty's nightmares all about wanting to take off her brace and crying in her sleep :(  not fave moment but very telling for me of what she has had and still endures )

Watching dances , learning dances , hearing songs , learning songs 

Marco Polo and handstands in the pool 

Seaweed and dead fish in ocean and beauty wanting me to carry her in my arms  all the time in the sea

Mommy I am just joking !!!

The beads at the exit to the resto 

The non existent bridge at the pool 

The wobbly tables 

The towel lady asking for our towel card which we were never able to produce and giving a mean look and then smiling 

Frosted coffees and cesear salads !

Nachos veggies and olives at 12:30

The hottest tennis lesson of the century 

Stand up paddle and actually being able to do this on waves 

Circus and catches !!

Hip hop with amazing black guy dancer !

One good chocolate on our pillow

One night

Expensive candies at the boutique 

Me taking pics of pics and getting in lots of trouble at photo shop !!

Our jacuzzi games of flat face and round and round hide and seek 

Realizing my daughter is way shyer than I ever imagined !!! And much more child like than her facade exterior !!!

Her depending on me 

Her being affectionate with me 

Her needing me 

Her letting me nurture her 

Me being able to keep my cool !!!

Not having one fight ( when she tried I just totally ignored her )

Sleepy her and her grumpiness  early morning and late at night ( not pleasant but can be slightly adorable )

The fact that I can count on one hand how many times either of us spoke to anyone else on resort besides staff . We were just together and that totally astonished me 

The fact that I don't seem to care about work at all . Things are changing and getting cancelled left right and centre and I have barely even looked at my agenda . I am in a different space this trip . I am hers .

I am fairly obsessed with meringue desserts with strawberry coulis at this point . Thank goodness I have only discovered these the last few days of the trip .

Buffet jumping 

I also don't know how I will not have an iced coffee daily ( but at least I will fit in now and be a coffee drinker sometimes !!)

Our phot shoot was the best !!! We look so good together 

I love the books I brought 

I like our technology hour on the beach at 5:30-7pm 

Beauty begging me to ask dr Avery for a photo with her on the beach . And then asking me to ask him if he could kindly take both his sunglasses and his shirt off for the pic !!!

Asking me a thousand times a day if her face is dirty

Following me everywhere including chips towels drinks and always wanting to me together 

I like texting my hubby and my bffs back home 

Feeling all week that there was nothing more important than her 

In that moment 

Building the foundation for a lifetime of hope and happiness

Putting love into action 

Being present 

My laser focus was her .

This trip made me realize something very important I had nearly forgotten - which is that she is still her - she is still inside that  cool rough demenor with a gentle heart . Some kids have a tougher time going through the turbulent teen times and she will be one of them . Her weapon of choice is alienating the ones she loves in order to grow up and launch herself . Sabotaging great moments in order to grow up into who she will become independently of her family . Both boys stay Close as teens where she seems to have a strong need to be apart in many ways . 

I had always assumed was harder for girls growing up her were less popular and less confident , but I have realized that the popular girls also have their share of pressure trying to be cool all the time and taking the lead and often feeling responsible for the over all well being of the cliques .It's not easy being a teen girl either way 

Our job as people who love her is to patiently stand by and remind her to come back to us in a loving gentle way . To bring her home 

The voice of an angel is what my daughter needs ( and unfortunately for her my voice is not very angel like !!! )

I  very simply ... Love my little meh meh and punta Cana has been a great place for this affection between us to flow back up to the surface well within our reach 

And for our deliberate hands and heart to grasp on ... And not let go 

I know real life is right around the corner tomorrow and I am well aware of how abruptly the vacation will end faster than I can count . But I feel like she and I got what we wanted and needed here and from each other  ... And that was a simple glimpse  Into what was and what could be and what will be .

And even that glimpse was enough for me to keep on going and to do my very best to have something even remotely resembling a voice of an angel . For her . Because of her . ... I need to Adapt and connect in a very different way 

I need to bring this vacation home with me 

Club Med with Mommy

Hi its mehmeh!
Today is the before last day before we go home:( i really like this resort (club med)! I did lots of things: tennis, hip-hop, circus, trapeze, stand up paddle, lots of eating, tanning and swimming. It is really hot here, it is 28 degrees! My goal was to become very tanned but so far I'm a little tanned and burnt. I never tan i just burn all the time. Its fun with just me and my mom:) the food is really good and my Favourite thing is the steak and the desserts like the penna-cota and the ice cream. The things i dont like at the resort is the wifi because it is very slow and how far everything is from each other.

I like having a week off because it gives me time to sleep in even tho i wake up at 9h30 wich is very early. I love not having to do chores and homework and just taking a break from all of that. Sometimes i wish  my best friend was here because i would be more active by doing more activities and dancing. Im going to bed now bye:)! 

Sympatico

Sympatico 

I wrote my friend who was in punta Cana with her own 14 yr old daughter a few weeks ago and asked how her trip with her daughter was going ? How were they getting on together ?

Sympatico . We are sympatico she said 

And I felt a little envious for sure . And very inspired . " I want that "I said to myself 

And all day yesterday and all day today as I spend a literal 24/7with my beautiful daughter this word has rolled through my mind like a sweet melody 

Sympatico 

Here is where we are sympatico :

Sleep - we both want to go to bed around  11pm and wake up around 9am . She really wants to sleep until 10 am but knows that is a waste of sun 

Food - we both like a lot of the same foods and choose quickly from buffets and we both eat relatively fast . We both love food and every meal we stick right together at the buffet . We like the desserts too 

Coffee - neither of us are coffee drinkers . I am not by choice and beauty is not by age . Until we discovered ..... Iced coffee . Both addicted now ! And to caesar salads with chicken as a snack a couple of times a day 

Being outside : we are both outside people . All day until about7pm . Sit on beach a lot .. Walk a lot .. Eat snacks .. Chill . No rooms and inside activities for us 

Activities : we both like sporty stuff . Besides relaxing . So far circus , sailing , kayak in ocean , walks on beach , Latin dance , Pilates ,. Tomorrow is stand up paddle lesson and golf the next day . Lots more to come . Tennis we will have to scrap as too early morning and way to hot to run on the cement 

Dressing up and pics - we like looking good and we like changing our clothes a lot . We can get ready each in 4 mins from beach to dinner . We tried it today 

Walking - although we love walking we find a 25 mins walk at the end of the day a bit excruciating so

We call a little buggy who drives us around 

Hanging out - we do a lot of it . In sympatico . We are like that riddle " once we are good we are very very good and if we are bad we are horrible "

Reading - I had carefully selected a book for this vacation for me to read aloud each night  to beauty and had quite frankly no clue how this would go . Reading about Sarah and Solomon and the law of attraction is the perfect end to our great days . We both look forward to it ( even if she rolls her eyes and says " are you going to read that dumb book again tonight ? ) I know what she really means-  she loves it 

Being tidy - this may come as a shock to anyone who knows me or sees my suitcase packed but we like a tidy hotel room . So each night before sleep we ensure everything is in perfect order . Beauty is even 10 times tidier than me and more organized ( not hard to beat but still the kid is amazing ) you should see her 4 shelves in the walk in closet here we share !!! We like tidy with no  messy boys 

Genetics - we both keep commenting how beauty has her grandma  genes . She is so pale an delicate skin and as hard as she tries can hardly tan ( and burns even with constant sunscreen . She is tall like my mom and sings all the time like my mom . It's cute when she mentions these things . I think she and Didi also have a dance to uncover that I want to see .In some ways I very kindred spirits and lots of undiscovered similarities that need to be nurtured and accessed 

Chatting : my mom always said and I remember as a kid and teen that when she and I were alone together I would not stop chatting and chatting and chatting . Over the years I could only have hoped for this problem ! Well this week I have it !! ( except for mornings with miss grumpy ) the trick is taking away contact with friends except 2 hrs a day and there you have it . I learn all the cool teen stuff , all new music , here about all girl stuff and who is cool and who is not etc . Chat chat chat !

And what is not in sympatico ? Of course there would be things right ? This is me and beauty we are talking about !! But the answer is nothing to report so far !!! Sympatico all the way . ( except first day here which was not as great and she really was annoying and rude ) .just like her dad and I travel together very well she and I do too !! 

But don't be too fooled . I am practicing a lot of different techniques SK taught me so I am a little emotionally exhausted as it takes self control as this is not the natural me . Beauty made a comment on this trip about me and one of my bffs and said " you are both the teaching type always trying to get a lesson in here and there ! " trust me I am not teaching much this week I am trying to be at my coolest but not sure I can maintain this in real life where there are actual demands and decisions to be made !!!

This week is truly giving me practice at being tolerant and patient and present . Learning to dance differently and almost really learn a new language  with her for real . I honestly think it would be just as hard as learning Chinese 

I have watched so many dances this week ( with her seat smiling face performing / I have reasoned with her a million times not to wear shorts so short that the pockets show from the outside in / I have learned to DAB and I have to learn all weird lyrics to songs . I am her companion as she has not uttered a word to another soul and more have I . We are happy together . I am her playmate and for a teen who usually loves her alone time she is not even content to give me 30 mins a night to text on my own and wants to show me yet another dance and chat and talk some more 

We even had a big sex talk in the hottub with some pretty embarrassing questions about my own life !!!! I was of course happy to answer and share with her as very bonding 

Good night my darling girl ( she is asleep so now I can blog :)

Kinda feels like I lost her for a couple of years and am getting my second chance at winning her back . From simple steps of empathy , patience and ignoring power struggles . Going back to the basics really ... And kinda feels like she is a little kid under that utterly gorgeous female exterior that has been Turing heads and looks more like 23 than 14 yrs old 

But underneath it all she is just a little kid .. Trying to figure it all out . Just like the rest of us 

Her facade this week has been set aside and I am getting a glimpse back into her heart that will hopefully set us on the path back to the lifetime closeness   we both need and deserve 

A piece of my heart will always remember punta Cana . Thank you my protector for suggesting this .