There are many moments lately that touch me to the
core.Mostly involving my family. These moments were always there-always touched
me-but something about the last few weeks has made me appreciate them more.
My life has a different beat to it-a different pace.
Maybe somehow through it all I get more of these moments? I tell you whenever I
speak to ex colleagues of mine and I ask them how they are and they say “busy
and stressed” I don’t miss it there. I am not sure I ever ever functioned
before without those two words in my life…now I still have them, but in between
I have more recovery time. Time in between to breathe.
There is more of life for me to enjoy. More life, Please!
Last night was a Friday night where all the kids had friends
over. We have a sort of weekend rule in our house that if we are home on the weekend
you can go anywhere and see anyone and have whomever over. It’s amazing and has
always worked well. Thank goodness we love all the kids who our kids spend time
with.
Beauty and her BFF asked me to watch them dance in our
dance studio in the basement. I comfortably settled myself on the couch and
watched them shine in front of me. Their beauty was captivating-truly. They were
dressed as twins with the usual outfit of tiny little Lycra shorts and their
school dance little navy t-shirts with flowing long hair and baseball caps. They
truly were the essence of beauty-at that moment they took my breath away.
And our daughter comes alive through two things 1) friends
2) dancing. In combination her face is utter happiness-she literally radiates
happiness and for a girl of 13 who rarely gives me a kind word these days this
was a total privilege to watch.
She truly has a BFF. Such incredible love they share. I
have loved watching their friendship bloom from the most unexpected places. This
is the BFF friendship that every child,
teen and adult craves. As I watch them I know they could never do without each
other. They complete each other.
Then having the privilege of watching Chase drive to the
cottage this weekend with me in the backseat, giving us both advice about our careers (damn good advice too!) Graduating
in less than a month and doing so incredibly well in such advanced courses as
advanced math, science, chemistry, and physics. The kids took the hard route-I am
so proud of him. Did it again for CEGEP the next year and challenged himself
with the more advanced English. I am in shock. And in awe.
I had his phone in my hand today and looked at the wallpaper
on his home setting. Changes weekly and always his girlfriend. Today-caught my
breath just like Beauty’s dance. His sweet girlfriend had taken a picture of
herself in the mirror. In black and white, her reflection stared back at me.
Long socks, short little shirt, a beautiful outfit. Like a ray of sunshine actually. Stunning artistic, beautiful,
and feminine. Like a masterpiece of art. “This is what my son appreciates” I
tell myself….I peek into his world. I love the young man he is becoming. I love
looking at the young woman’s image he so
appreciates.
And Bear last weekend with my brother and his family. I
love the way he interacts with adults, the way he is so at ease and comfortable
and interesting. Tonight is his first real party with boys and girls and many
kids invited. The way he knows the rules and can recite them by heart. The way
he includes us into his life. Does he follow the rules is his business. That he
knows them and seems to respect them is a privilege. All are his choices now
and so far he has made nothing but excellent ones.
I am made of trust when it comes to my kids at this age. I trust them
to make good decisions for their lives.
And my husband-last night a few hours of terror in my
heart as my old and familiar trust issues re surfaced. I am he was able to calm
myself down. Kisses, hugs, compliments. He is my rock. I am depending on him. I
can calm myself down. I can make the worry of away. He can help me.
And the basketball net on our street right in front of
our house that now has two younger boys (neighbors) using it daily. Brings me
back to when our boys where littler, and less connected to the iPad and more
connected to the outside. The ball in the hoop-the running and dribbling, the
sharing of the net for the kids on the street. Times have changes to much and
to fast. Watching those younger boys out there created a certain stability for
me-made me know the world has not changed too much.
And my mom-this week I saw her three times! Never before
have we gotten to take a quick lunch or a quick walk, or an outing so frequentlt.
All in between all my work-but there are those spaces in between now . Soul
keeper will call me on a walk or on my way home from work and I can speak vs text.
It feels good to be so much more connected. Know what her kids are up to that
day specifically-tell her about mine. I love those three kids to bits. I can’t enter a store without seeing
something for them or empty as closet without putting something special aside. To
share this life so intimately is such a gift.
And bra shopping yesterday with Mom and Childhood Wonder
was amazing and sooo fun! I can’t believe the bras I got. Could be life
changing actuallyJ)))
How did I not know about these all these years???
Sharing a Jacuzzi
with the girls last night and the four of us panning our week at the cottage
without the brothers (hubby, me, Beauty and BFF will be one vacation one week
without the boys who have summer jobs and competitions kayak) them allowing us into
that part of their lives, sharing an amazing movie with them last night as they
cuddled together on the couch “Still Alice”. Moving from the phase of the 5 of
us together to something different and just as special.
As I spend my day today at/Trent organizing, cleaning, transitioning
from winter to summer…I feel grateful that I capture these moments in my life.
That I live them. That I get to do that. That I choose too.
That there are so many moments in our lives and they are out
there if we claim them.
Sometimes I feel so sad in my heart. Other times my heart
explodes with happiness. I feel so utterly human. So capable. So here and
now-feeling what is demanding to be felt.
Whatever that may be
