Mother's Day 2016
I will remember this
one forever
And unfortunately not
because it was special but because of how hurt and sad I felt. I would like to
write how wonderful and spoiled I was and felt like a princess all day and make
myself sound like the adored mom I think should be - but I always vowed to
keep this blog real and I don't have any intention to stop now just because my
feelings are hurt and my ego bruised
Parenting can be one
beautiful and one painful journey
Usually living with
three teens I can handle. Fairly successfully and well. I do most of the heavy work.
Hardly anything domestic but all the emotional stuff and the planning and
organizing and worryingly just like most moms. And I do it really really well
in my opinion most days with caring and grace and many other days with some
nagging and screaming.
But my kids are loved
and feel it daily. Their lives are good. More than good
And yesterday I felt dismissed.
I won't even get into the details as it hurts to write in a lot of ways but was
all the subtle things that were Said or not said and the passivity that
surrounded it. Although my husband was not as guilty as the kids there was so
thing about how he did not stop it that hurt. Something about his comments the
night before as so often happens a when it is my turn to be celebrated that
made me feel as though he was not the proper role model in this
It all caused me a
pain I have rarely felt
And when my own mom
turned to me with tears in her eyes and put her hand on my knee and said”
I am so sorry you are
being treated like this”
Something broke open
inside of me
And I took my mom and
left. Left the gifts and the last minute scribbled cards. Left the wrestling
and bad manners and chaos and them with all their mouths hanging wide open -
and bundled up my mom in the cold weather and took her to the patisserie and
for a walk ( PS neither was she fit to do given her state of health right now )
I took her anyways
And she talked me
through it all even though I am sure she had more imported concerns. She was
there for me and I was there for her
When we got back home
there were notes and love letters and apologies taped on the door from all. I
read them quickly and walked inside .And Spent the rest of the day by myself sulking
For the first time in
my life I was not ready to accept an apology from my kids. I did not care if
they felt bad all day or week or year. Something has hardened in me. Not being
appreciated on Mother's Day or made feel special at all did me in. I have not
felt the same way since.
Maybe it was the
sharp contrast between how I treat my Mother and how they treated me that day. I
sat down and gave her a bagful of special things I had selected that may help
her through this difficult time of not being able to really do much mentally
and physically each item with a symbolic of useful meaning. Or the pictures I
framed lovingly or the money I gave her to help with an expensive doctor apt. Or
all the time and care of the last few weeks and my missed work for Doctor apt
and speaking 7 times a day on phone when normally can't even make time for more than
texting .And I would not change a thing as she is my mom and I love her more
than life .She is worth it . I gave her my favorite pillow and my favorite pair of jogging pants - anything to make her feel a little happiness
Maybe it was that
sharp contrast this year that made it so painful
Maybe I am a tiger
mom
Maybe I just really needed
some tender loving care for myself and some needed family time
Maybe I just once in
a while need to be reminded that I do all this for a reason and a purpose and
that it is worth it
I thought Mother's
Day was for that. I thought it was and it wasn't for me this year
This year I lost my
chance and the hurt is overwhelming me and taking over . I am not sure I have
every felt this sad or disappointed over any event
It hurts to be a mom.
Ps only good news is
that I woke up the next morning miserable and feeling sorry for myself and
asked myself if I still wanted to go to the gym ? And my answer was yes! I am
at the point of habit where it actually know it makes me feel better (which it did)
Then also in the day
I got very apologetic and sweet texts from all of my family (but I made it
clear I was not fully ready to accept their apology)
And I went on
business class to Miami for work the next afternoon and pigged out on both the
food at the business class lounge and the food on the plane. Somehow if
something really yummy is free I feel obliged to eat it .I even had a bowl of
tasty tomato soup. Felt a bit like my own little Mother's Day celebration. With
me - and me
