In yoga I heard this analogy
I thought long and hard last night here in turks and caicos and realized it applies very much to me....and my marriage
I have been married 20 yrs and been with My Protector for 22 yrs. its hard work. And its beautiful . Its both
And I am like a little ball of frozen honey being put on a hot piece of toast fresh from the toaster. I defrost and melt slowly but surely in my own sweet little way- bit by bit and deepening the softening until i am spread evenly and softly all over the piece of hot toast.
That is me . That is us.
I told our friends the other day when we alll went out for a friends dinner in response to them asking how it feels to be married 20 yrs to the same person " that i think we are more in love in the last 6 months than we ever were"
They all started laughing
I was maybe joking? But in my heart i knew i was not . It was all true . Much more in love emotionally, physically and just plain all over . We worked hard for this and this was our prize. I said it again that yes this was actually true
They still giggled
But yet i knew it was true . I did this work- i know
Some people come into marriage with their stuff together and fairly complete. Secure , safe and stable. Having lived in families with two stable parents or one single stable parent without mental illness and MS and wheelchairs or threatned suicide or a sense of danger looming around the corner . Both of our childhood homes were very very loving and wonderful in so many ways (especially mine! ) but neither were easy in any way. Neither felt secure or predicatble in any way . There was not a sense of " everything will be alright " because it clearly was not on many days . Worry was always there. Having a carefeee childhood was not on the agenda . It built some great relationships and some very strong resilience and character but it didnt make honey melt into the toast. It took work and smarts and confidence and character to be that child - those children- when your parent is sick- and it is not out in the open and you can talk about it all -the world doubly doesn't feel safe and secure . When you have to build that future from a very young age and figure it all out . Thank goodness for my strong strong attachment and love with my mother, as without her i dont think i would have ever been able to become honey at all. My Dad wasn't a reliable parent at all, yet he lived with us and loved us as was a good person in so many ways and was not open to feedback at all . It made me doubt myself so often and feel guilty for not being able to love him more . He was there always but i had no way to relate to him so much of the time
So there are many of us , My husband and i included who come from childhoods where we have not yet melted for many many reasons including the ones above and for others many different and far more extreme circumstances than our own
And we defrost in marriage and discover ourselves there with our new environment
Some faster than other
Some way faster than others
Many don't defrost at all and still feel unsafe and let go
Some chill on their own
Others turn to honey in a new partner's arms
Many go on to just stay cold or chilly
Many warm up a bit
Many warm up alot
And many for years day by day melt completely and eventually and finally
And the toast is there to catch them as they finally sweeten and soften all over . As they finally perceive that the world might be there to actually catch them and they begin to trust and be carefree in the safe arms of someone who loves them and has both the strength and willingness to hold on tight and never let go
Some it takes days , others months and others years or even decades
Some never do
No matter what
No matter what happens
It is a miracle that this can take 20 yrs isn't it?
I laught out loud too at this
Most people i know describe their marriages as a slow decline starting out wonderful and going slowly downhill from there to an acceptable and comfortable place
I describe mine as a slow very slow incline of getting better and better as i myself feel more at peace with myself and the world around me- like a child letting go of the clutch that her fists have become . Trusting the world and her heart as it matures. Trusting myself and my heart
I chose wisely , very very wisely and have had the strongest partner in my husband anyone could hope for straight from the beginning. The strongest co parent and career partner and home partner
Now its time to discover safety amongst eachother and loving and letting go and letting in . Its time to let the work speak for itself and let ourselves melt into one another
To grow individually and return safely home
To blossom apart and blossom again together
To be as two and to be as one
Me melting like a ball of frozen honey on warm toast
How good it feels to be melted
Which what i assume will be forever
He is the toast that has always been warm and ready to catch me
He is one patient piece of toast
He is still here
I am here
Sweetness prevails
