Kintsukuroi

Translated to “golden joinery,” Kintsugi (or Kintsukuroi, which means “golden repair”) is the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Beautiful seams of gold glint in the cracks of ceramic ware, giving a unique appearance to the piece.Apr 25, 2017

A person I work with very closely and cherish very much as a friend in my life told me about 6 months ago that if she had to capture my being in one word or sentence this is what it would be :

Kintsukuroi

To repair with gold .

And since that moment this statement has never left me . It was probably Of everything anything had ever told me about myself or what I thought about my own self , the comment that resonated with me most about who I am and whom I want to always be.

It was ...and is..a huge compliment

 And for the first time , also clearly defined my purpose in life on so many levels and put this into beautiful words

To repair with gold

yes I do that...

The only mix of words that makes any sense to me at all over the last few days since we recieved news about our daughter Thursday afternoon that will change the direction of everything

After 4 yrs of worry , anxiety , fighting , compliance , discipline , Hope , fear - we sat in the surgeons office on Thursday and heard that Beauty’s scoliosis has now very unpredictably increased by another 10 degrees ( so 16 in last 18 months which is unheard of when a child stops growing ) and she is now a surgical patient at 52 degrees.

Spinal fusion

For our dancing girl.

We sat there with the surgical team for more than an hour and a half going through the decisions , the risks , the surgery . In shock and in tears

 United in our trio . Strong . Sad . Beaten down . Beautiful together

I am not saying more for now as I truly for probably the first time in my life just truly don't have the words . Yet .

To repair with gold is all that comes to mind .

And then at the same time so much deep was going on at the same time with respect two other people I love so very deeply . My mom and Chase too . Shifts in relationship dynamics . Upsets . Off balance . Growth . Changes. Love. 

So much at once.

For now even if those are big and would normally take the front seat for me , they very suddenly take a big back seat to what will happen in about a year with our daughter . Laser focus . Laser focus . Laser focus . To prepare to concentrate , to make beautiful to the person who needs me most .

Yet that too is not the right thing either and I am smart enough to know it . Life will go on . And has to go on with me in it . I will need to think of different things . I will need to continue to be a mother to two others , a wife , a daughter . A friend to people I love who do not have kids who’s dancing backs will be fused . I need to continue to be me , even when everything has changed . How can this be possible ? How could I even possibly care about anything else anymore ?

I need to feel it all first

Then I need to figure it all out

Because right now ?

I feel like I can’t repair with gold .

For maybe the very first time in my life

I cannot fix it

Yet I know there is still a yet .

I will leave with that today . This is my last blog until my wonderful husband has my yearly blog book printed on January 31st every year .

 The January 31 has to be special . Important . Meaningful . He tells me that each year .

Jan 31 is also when my dad passed away . It’s an important date . Dad if I ever needed your help - it is now . It’s not too late dad and like we always said your help to me can be much stronger in death than it was in life . Pretty please ?

 I am counting on that . I need you. Have I ever asked really anything ? I am asking now . Make up for years of not being able to be there for me . It would make the world of a difference to me now 

 I need you to make sure that she is ok . She will be but I need you to make absolutely , 100 percent sure .

I am ending this blog now . This one in particular today and perhaps this blog for good tbd . Another January yet again is taking me in a direction that seems so distant , so hard , so stretching and so Incredibly impossible . Yet Januarys keep coming back and we keep beating them , the unlucky lotteries that seem to be constantly thrown our way .

And what do we do ? We make it all beyond good . We make it great . And mostly ? We make it count

All I can think of this time is literally ensuring that every vertebrae, every rod , every screw , every scar , every blood transfusion , every needle , every day of her year recovery needs to be gold . Sewn up with gold and Magic and light

Our beautiful golden dancing girl . With her talented , dedicated beautiful golden hearted surgeon . Repairing her with gold and fixing all the broken cracks of her now 52 degree curved spine

With her mommy in the background all part got the symphony. The silent yet mighty powerful conductor

 Of the life I was part of creating and the life I birthed . Protecting her every step of the way and ensuring that the scar that will go neck to waist for all her years to come after surgery

Is truly - made of gold .