Peace? Whatever.

I have been thinking a lot about peace lately. Who has it? Who wants it? How

much of it is needed? How to get it?

How valuable is feeling peaceful in life?

I have come to the conclusion that basically if you feel peace everything else

just falls into place. The rest- it's all peanuts. Right?

So what is peace? What is it exactly? And if it is so valuable than how do you

manage to make it part of your life-and quickly?

If you have never had much-can your order it by mail in retrospect and get even

more for all the years you were ripped off from this exceptional feeling?

And the people who have it and feel it everyday are they missing out on "bigger

and better" things and one day their peaceful states will end and the world will

come crashing down on them and say:

" You know you were too peaceful and happy and content all those years so NOW it

is payback time!!!"

Or is peace, and joy and acceptance a state in itself that has no real beginning

or end?

Is peace something you need to practice or is it learned? Is it like red hair

that is handed out to some and not to others? A chosen special few?

Where does it come from exactly and how do you get it? I look at the people

around me and most don't have it either.  But I also seem to attract a few

really close people around me who do have this golden, coveted, illuminated

state around them and be able to live in it in what seems like an endless

perpetual state. No matter what else is going on in their lives. 

I have decided to find out and get some for myself. I want to order whatever she

is having-it looks good.

So why is it some of our hearts get to be peaceful and some of our hearts don't

seem to possess  that natural rhythm?

How is someone with both good and bad parts of life get to think peaceful and

serene thoughts  and smile and feel joy... while others who appear to have it

all run, around in circles trying to make their brain stop thinking, and

critiquing and searching 24 hrs per day?  Get to have brains in a constant

unpeaceful -somewhat neurotic states? That does not seem to be fair now does it?

Anxiety meds? A good yoga class? Happiness? Better sex? A good massage?

And how can you not have Peace when life is Perfect? How can that possibly be?

Is it something that happens to you as a kid that does not give you the right to

this feeling? Or something that does not happen? If you don't even know what

causes peace what hope in hell do you have of giving it to your own children?

Can peace be shared? If someone has a lot can they give you half? Give you some?

A tiny little piece-even for a day so you know what you may be missing?

Often I associate peace with "Whatever" people. People who go through life

....pretty much not getting stressed about much.....and thinking "whatever will

be will be". To be honest...I used to be more critical of this seemingly

clueless (although blissful) attitude. I used to think these" whatever" people

were seriously missing out on something.

But I am now starting to ponder if "whatever" is the actual state that one must

be in to invite peace into their lives permanentely. Is whatever less of what I

assume to be repression  and more a state of acceptance?

Is possible to be whatever and also to be deliberate, minty and influential too?

I think it is. Actually I am now convinced it is. I have let enough whatever

people deep into my heart and soul lately to know that these people are pure and

utterly powerful, wonderful, beautiful, remarkable gems. These people have silent power. They will let you shine-but they are the light.

So just like happiness can be learned in some ways..I feel peace can be taught.

I think unlike happiness which many of us through a lifetime have some

experience with-peace may need to be approached quite differently.

You may have to ask for peace in your life. You may have to get down on your

knees and outright beg for it.

Peaceful people unfortunately don't necessarily realize that they might need to

share and teach and give you some of these important lessons. They might very

peacefully and happily sit back and let you come to them and ask.

When you are good and ready. If you ever get there that is. And if you don't, that surely won't fluster them either.

So yes I think peace is a very big part of happiness in life. To accept. To

Trust. To Feel. To Be. To Smile. To feel good. To repress. To forgive. To

forget. To linger a little longer. To love a little more. To accept those around

you for who they are.

To accept yourself for who you are and who you will never be.

To be ok with that.

It sounds like a wonderful thing to aspire to. However  if I am really being

honest with myself as much as I want peace to be part of my life and know it

would be good for me....it just sounds a bit dull too. Maybe peace isn't for

everybody?

But, it would certainly be nice to try it-to then know for sure. I would like very much to experience what peace feels like.

 I am quite sure I will never be a Whatever Girl, however I would certainly like to care less a whole lot more often.

I would like to trade half of my saavy and strategic nature for plain old peace. Is that too much to ask?

Whatever. It's all good. 

TopNotch

 
Now that is what I call skiing!!!! 
I understand now why my Swiss buddies think our Laurentian skiing is second class. After skiing Stowe I realized..we have been skiing on hills not 
mountains.

I can't wait to take our family to the Swiss Alps one day. Stowe was breathtakingly beautiful. Perfect powder. Sunshine. Loved every 
minute (thank goodness since at the price we paid for 5 of us each minute 
counted!) 


Topnotch Resort, Stowe Vermont is our place. Love the outdoor pools and Jacuzzis overlooking the picturesque mountains, the big fuzzy white robes and the free homemade hot cocoa and cookies at 4pm.
We took our kids this time, where usually has been "our" spot. They loved it too- especially the skiing. Don't think we will go back to Stowe ever again without hitting the slopes with our kids. The skiing was incredible and so was the après ski in the pool....  

A wonderful Mexican meal out, sleeping in each other’s beds at night, tons of tickling and laughing and hanging out. Watching Birth Stories in the mornings and weird shows late into the night (god boys have weird humor). 
Eating eggs and smoothies and yummy jam in our robes in the fancy restaurant in the morning. Enjoying all our crazy conversations. Laughing and loving each other. 
Blackberries and cells away. Facebook and computers gone. Our family of Five. 

The 80-20 thing as usual. 80 I loved-20 percent frustrated us. They frustrated us. With all the good times came fights, and disagreements and squabbles and hyperness. Rudeness and bad table manners. Disobedience and not listening. 
That bothered both of us. A lot. It always does. Is it that our expectations are too high? Our kid’s behavior too bad?  I will write about it in another post  "Transitions" when I get my head around it a bit more.
Our kids are great at life-bad at transitions. So are we. 

We love sharing a room the 5 of us for all those snuggly cozy moments we get-but by the end of three days of stepping over underwear and hearing them battle it over what show to watch and who sits where-we are ready to flush them down the toilet!!!! 
But. I can complain about those moments (always because I want to keep it real and my accounts of our lives realistic) but I loved this getaway with our kids. 
From Beauty saying "Am I digested enough??" before going into the pool after a meal- to Chase with his gorgeous no gel hair and scruffy looks away from the eyes of his peers and Bear’s little cuddles at night with his sister and his blue eyes turning the loveliest shade of green lately.....in some ways I could not get enough of them. 
Dancing out as a family in a line after Mexican-speaking French so no one 
understands what we are saying and gliding down the mountains of Stowe-as a unit-all together doing what we do best. Skiing, leisure and being together. 
We all love the feel of the mountain, the jumps, the trails, the effortlessness 
of skiing as we master it more and more (well the 4 of their mastery anyways!) 

The way our legs ache from the spring snow and the long trails. 
A sense of pride and accomplishment from Hubby and I that although they may be little whiners and annoying at times (often!) they are beautiful and graceful and talented skiers. They are getting to be with snow the way they have always been with water. It is who they are-it is in their bones. 

And we did that. Those hundreds of hours of dedicated lessons and times and badges and weekends. It has all paid off- we committed to a family sport and they all LOVE it. Hallelujah! We did something right! We can't wait to teach our kid’s own kids one day water and snow. 
So Stowe was 80 percent amazing. I come back to Trent tonight mostly content, happy and spent with my little munchkins safely tucked into bed. They are so sweet when they are silent. 
As for the other 20 percent? I really don't know to be honest. I am trying to 
figure out why so often our kids get on our nerves on our vacations and that we come back feeling mostly good but vaguely unsettled too. I am trying to figure out if it is us..or is it them? Is it something we can fix through changing? Certain habits? Lessening expectations? Becoming stricter on some things or more lenient on others? 

If we lived in France would life be easier with kids if we did it the French way? 

"Onst your energy be attracted to a train wreckage than to a smoothly running system?" 

I will keep you posted-so stay tuned! 

All I know is that I love this family. Fiercely and that all the moments we have together are memorable. Like me...my kids are complex and intracte-fiesty and full of energy. So as a unit.....we are something else:) 
So I loved our getaway all in all. I would do it again..and again. Lucky for me I also love "my other life". I love my work-and my "other crazy gang" I love the break and being disconnected-but I love my crazy days there too and a part of me can't wait to get back. Thank goodness this is a vacation and not my life…I love being with my kids but could never, ever do this all the time. I need my work in the way others need oxygen and sleep.
The other part of me will very happily park my butt on my cottage couch for the remaining 4 days and read "Bringing up Bebe" and a whole pile of glamour magazines. And I will ski a whole bunch more hills.
I am glad I love both my lives and that each has the ability to make me a little flustered and hot and bothered at times. I guess in the end-I bring that out in people and the places I am….and they bring it out in me. 
I guess when it comes down to it I would not like it any other way than a bit 
wild, unpredictable and chaotic. It is what I love...and what I attract..and how it is. 
I will take it. I want it. I covet it and adore it. 

So although I might aim for 90-10 on our next family getaway-inside I am secretly thrilled that my three kids have personality. Each unique but each a load of charm and charisma-so much so that it gets the best of us sometimes and exhausts us often. 
I like that they have it in them......to not be perfect and far from it-but still to sparkle in their own way all the time sparkling little blasts of 
energy. It's these imperfections that keep me wanting more and loving every single ounce of them every single day. 

Stowe-you Rock. Hubby..you rock too. Will be glad to steal a few moments alone with you in the next few days. Love sleeping with our babies-but miss our pillow talk. I miss you
I love winter now every bit as much as summer. 

I can honestly say that weather is truly not mattering much anymore. 

Building Foundations

There is a house lot that went for sale last spring near where our cottage is, and each time I pass it now the same thought comes to mind:

God those people who bought it had the ability to see potential

That lot was priced very reasonably  when we went to look at it-which is very unusual for this area. The people who ended up buying it tore down the house that was on it and have built a gorgeous dream cottage.

When Hubby and I went to see it we did not possess the ability to see past the fact that it shared a passage way with its neighbor, it did not have a wide space to build on, it was essentially set behind another house etc….

As we look at it now, it is as though those obstacles that we saw as barriers no longer exist. The road is paved in a way that each neighbor has their own access which also now has the house not appear to be behind another one. They have taken every challenge that house had and made something beautiful of it. From an amazing side patio with a fireplace to utilizing the building close to the water rights that the house possess to maximize the water views with a gorgeous solarium.

I feel shamed each time I walk by that we could not see this when we first looked at it. That we created barriers that were not there; that we could not see further than what met our eye.

And this is strange for both of us since we have always thought we have possessed this ability especially as it relates to renovations. Our house is unrecognizable and had been on the market for years-we have turned it into the kind of home that on a regular basis invites notes in the mailbox of people wanting to buy it. We took what no one else wanted or could deal with and transformed it. Have we lost that ability now?

Even at our present cottage now-we know what we need to transform a space-we thought this was inherent to our natures and abilities. We thought we could see beyond what is. I guess not all the time.

So as I looked at that house today and I admired the owner’s ability to see further-I thought of how life is full of these opportunities to build if we look hard enough.I find it comforting to know that very often if we are able to look beyond what currently is we can build our dreams.

We can take our family and mold it into what each member needs, we can become someone to our partner who we may not have thought we were capable of being; we can become more capable at work in areas that we have no knowledge of. We can become a better friend and ask for more of what we need.

We can take a good lot or foundation and make it amazing. If only we can see that potential and act on it; if we can sell that vision to the others around us.

If we can articulate and share that vision with the people we love. If we can make them believe us that we can build a beautiful home.

If they want to live there with us. And if they don’t to have the strength to figure out why not?

So as my Protector and I passed by that beautiful construction today, I thought of all these things, and realized that for me life is really like a lot waiting to be built on. Sometimes we are in the mood for renovations and constructions and sometimes we are not. Nevertheless, we should always tap into our ability to see further and brighter and more.

We should always hold ourselves and the others around us capable of the ability to envision, plan, build and live in…together.

We should always know that we have the ability to transform as long as solid foundations are there.

 We should know that transformation begins with ourselves  by the very nature of our capacity to believe in change..and not only be willing..but to welcome this into our lives in the hope that what we build-will be even better than what we ever could have imagined.

A Pat on the Back-For the Mother in Me

Yesterday I wrote about my Scary Mommy Moments and had lots of emails in reaction!

Hard on myself ??? Maybe yes I agree! I know in the end they are all normal examples of everyday life…just wanted to share that that day in particular I felt like a witch. Just wanted to keep it real.

And yes lots of things about myself that I know are very good as a Mommy even if I lose it completely sometimes.

Also had a long conversation last night around some of my mothering shortcomings, by someone who made me feel pretty darn inadequate, on top of my witchy day, and so wanted to write this post mainly for me to make me feel good about the things I am doing right.

Sometimes the only person in the world who can pick you up off the floor in life, who you can really count on. Is yourself. It’s me.

So here it goes: The op 5 things I am Proud of about Myself as a Mom:

1-I desperately love my kids. My love for them is truly multifaceted. It is a real balance between here and now and the future and what is to come. I feel I focus very intensely in terms of our family life right now but also plan and strategize for their futures. I equip them and prepare them. I care so much about their lives in the future and making sure they are self confident, and equipped and ready to take on what I know is really tough at many times in life.

2-I have sacrificed for them and I am proud of myself for this good decision. I am a “natural” career woman. My natural state is to perform, and to be effective, and to lead and to be corporate all day long. I have never really told anyone this before but if it were up to me alone I would think I could have a huge career (I think). I think I would love and possibly be capable of  jet setting around the world, and being “on” and traveling, and giving huge talks, and influencing many and producing, delivering, strategizing and planning all day long every day of every year and every moment of every day. Maybe that is a fantasy and I could not be capable of it….but maybe I could.

But…..that is not the life I want for my kids nor do I believe it is good for my family. So I choose to have a really great career and a really great family life. To have and do both.

3-I am extremely open. I  tell the truth and I model this for my kids daily. I am not passive aggressive, I do not hold all my feelings inside, I openly communicate and they get the “real” me as scary as that might sometimes be. I apologize when I am wrong. I am a deeply flawed mommy and they know this. They also know that I am really good in many, many ways. I think they know I am doing my very best, most of the time and if I am not ,I take this very seriously and try to fix it.

4-I am very deliberate in our family life. We deliberately have dinners together, and spend time together, and do family things, and teach family values. I deliberately read many family books, and talk to others about their views on family to learn. I try new things all the time and I have their best interests at heart all the time. I am in a constant state of improvement in the mothering department as well as in life in general. I see my overall life as a PHD.I am a learner;I am not afraid to get it wrong.

5-I will do ANYTHING to help my kids achieve a goal that I feel is important to their well -being, their future and their lives. I am not the “do the science project for your kids so he gets a good grade and feels good” type of mommy at all, but I am the “NEVER EVER give up” sort of person that is good to have around. I will lose millions and zillions of hours of sleep, pleasure and relaxation if it means that I will achieve a goal. I am 100% determined and committed. I will not let these kids down if something is really important.

I am a force not to be reckoned with when it comes to my kids. I will make it happen if I believe in it..when I believe in them.I can’t be stopped.

(I literally almost beat up the crappy black rotted appendix that I asked the doctor to keep in a jar to show me, that came out of my son’s poor body. I was so darn mad at that thing for hurting my son that day in particular! Don’t mess with me and our  5 yr plans –Stupid Appendix)!!!

So there are 5 things about myself that I love as a mommy. So see-not always so hard on myself?  I can dish out some serious love too (maybe too much?)

Today I actually feel I need to wrap myself in the warm and loving embrace of ME.

I needed to brag a bit.

To reassure myself a bit.

To see it down on paper that it’s not all bad.

To give myself that pat on the shoulder.

Thanks for the reminder!

Scary Mommy Moments

I thought I might list my “top 5 scary mommy moments” that I have had that have all occurred within the last 48 hoursL  Sad, but true.

Keeping it real! If I can share the good stuff I better damn well be willing to share the bad stuff too right?

Scary Mommy moment #1

Getting my daughters’ report card last night and having no time to look at it at all and tell her “that I am too busy working and to pls not disturb me” Forgetting to acknowledge it the next morning. Oh ya and did I mention she also “disturbed “me to tell me she loved the library book she read and loved it!

I told her to go away and pretend I did not exist for the evening

Scary Mommy moment #2

Turning a special surprise date with my son into a nightmare. I was mad at his attitude so basically screamed at him “DO YOU WANT TO BAKE A RED VELVET CAKE OR NAINIMO BARS WITH ME-HURRY UP AND CHOSE!”

Scary Mommy moment #3

Because my cleaning lady cancelled today and I am pissed off- telling my three kids that they have to come home and clean everything and do laundry themselves even though they have no clue how to and it is not their fault.

Scary Mommy moment #4

Being jealous of my daughter’s gorgeous hair. Today hers looked like butter cream and mine looks like a rat’s ass. We tried the same new hairdresser, who saved us a few dollars, but clearly preferred my daughter and decided to leave her looking like a human being. Morale of the story:Stick with your pricey hairdresser!!!!

Scary Mommy moment #5

Freaking out over both my son’s bad marks and not commenting on their great marks (yet)

Few more just because this is getting fun…

Taking my son’s cell phone away-just because. Can’t even remember why that is gone now.

Putting three xs’s within one minute on my daughter’s chore chart for the same incident because I was “triply” mad

Telling my son his long hair might have his new private high school kick him out if he does not cut it.

Marks and hair a theme here??????

Oh well. I tell myself there is always tomorrow.

And even good mommies. Have bad days.

I think tonight I will say sorry. I hope they don’t lock me out of my house.

Gratitude For.....

Cottage life where everything just seems to make sense. Where families snuggle and socialize and bicker and raise voices. Where family is together, often in the same room much of the time. Where the kitchen counter is central and meals are cherished. Where a candle is lit that is from generations long ago. Where life comes back to being at it's most spendid and real each weekend.

For a special colleague who listens and deals with the hard stuff. Who teaches me and learns from me at the same time. Who to me is the definition of what is a true high potential. Who just is..who she is and is herself perfectly.
Who truly listens and truly gets it and who shares with me-especially this week-as we both try and swim our fastest and hardest and arrive at the finish line together out of breath but beating the clock.

For Bear who says thank you each time we bring him skiing. For the joy he gets in cooking brownies with my Mom.

For Beauty who makes her Dad and I take the chair lift alone "to ensure we solve our problems and make what we are angry about better"( nice suggestion Beauty but today we would have needed a ski lift as long and high as Mount Everest to solve this one)!

For Chase who is missing his date night this month because he has a consequence but still said I love you so many times today.

For friendship that gets to go on and on for eternity. That is so solid that it does not get bent by bumps. That is wonderful and feels like coming back home again where we belong.

For Moms who cook black bean soup, homemade brownies and ignore domestic fights. Who love me, talk to me and take care of me all the time. Who remind me of what is wonderful and listen to me swear and rant and rave about what sucks. Who is honest and pure and like beautiful flowers who blooms with even more beautiful colors every year.

For life. For what it is and for what it is not-and for the blessing to be in it for so many todays.

(No Hubby you are not on this list this week. No way. Maybe next time)

Sorry to air my dirty laundry but need to keep it real!

Saturday Night Live

I have a memory from childhood that is cherished. If I think back to really happy times it always includes this one.

I think back to a train ride my Mom, Dad and I took together and they made me laugh the whole way with their silly, silly stories and impressions. Questions like "who would you rather be stranded on an island with for the rest of your life him or him???" Imitating my mean 4th grade teacher, the principal even.

Risky? Politically incorrect? Maybe! But man was it fun and crazy and memorable.

They always discussed drinking, sex, everything (on this train ride and anytime). Nothing was taboo. There was no doubt my parents were “cool” and my house was the fun place to be.

So as much of some of the non- structure and more “friends with your parents attitudes” affected me in some more negative ways-I will always hold dear some of the great fun we had as a family too-especially when my Dad was well. Our dinnertimes and weekends were filled with laughter for many years.

So last weekend at the cottage Chase and I had some of our own fun and it brought me back to my own childhood memories.

We eat late at Trent. Dinners typically end around 10:15pm on Saturdays! So this week in particular, in lazy moods we all left the dishes to deal with later and the table not cleared and plopped down on all the cozy couches under the throw covers.

And we laughed. Correction: I made them crack up and pee there pants.

I imitated all their teachers and tutors.  It was the funniest thing on earth-maybe not the nicest thing......but really fun.

And that is what I loved about my own parents-they could let loose...much more often than I could but they could do it well. They were not always the perfect role models, but it was this vulnerability and imperfection that really impacted me as a kid-that I found comfort in. They were not always model citizens-sometimes they were just them. Last Saturday was not about teaching values, and having rules, and cleaning up, and saying what sounded right and good.. Basking in the love and fun of our little unit together and laughing about the time when the tutor farted and tried to cover it up.

So after 30 minutes Chase and I had lost the three other family members to sleep-on the couch. He and I chose and extra hour of laughter and repeated all the funniest imitations from the first hour.


He switched couches and cuddled with me on mine and we pulled out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and ate it all and he poured us milk into martini glasses. I told him all the funniest stories from when I was in grade 8. Some of these stories included some things I don't encourage in him on a daily basis-but it felt good not to only have teaching moments and to have sharing moments too. It's amazing how hearing a parent say a "bad" word can bring kids to such place of joy!

We finished our night in the kitchen the two of us cleaning up the disaster while the others snored. We both had a phenomenal evening and it bonded us in a special way.

 I am not usually able to let this loose….I am much more guarded in front of my kids. The 10% of the time I am…I realize how much more often I need to do this. I need to realize teens are different than kids and I believe we need to relate to them on different levels if we want to get it right. I had had a tough week full of difficult conversations, sadness, surprises and stress overall both at work and at home. I needed a breakthat night. Apparently so did Chase.

My parents got this part of the puzzle right during adolescence. I grew up under their caring and watchful eyes-but also became an individual. I was allowed to grow up. I was allowed to bloom and grow and discover. They appreciated in me-what was me-and who I was instead of what they may have wished I was. They did not treat me as though I was a 10 year old when I was 17.

They appreciated that adolescence is complex and crazy and they allowed me to share in our home what was unique to that time of our lives.
They would never allow an occasional swear word or drink get in the way of the fact that I was a really good girl.

Never once as a teenager did I feel the need to rebel against my parents.

I moved towards them (well my mom at least1) instead of away from them (her) and gained the benefit of adult guidance and opinions based on honestly and trust and not covering teen stuff up to feel I met there expectations.

My friends flocked to our home and still seek the wonderful guidance and love of my Mom.

She still makes them laugh with her stories.

At my Dad's funeral many of our friends were there-recounting how he helped them evolve in there life and question their values, there thoughts and their religions. My Dad I realized set many of my friends free as teenagers...to become exactly who they were meant to be instead of who their parents though they ought to be.

In their words and eulogies they said my Dad saved them and helped for them to go on and marry the right people and have the careers that suited them instead of trying to fit the mold their parents carved and making decisions based on either pleasing or rebellion.

They all acknowledged that my Dad....was very messed up in his life in a lot of ways and had many shortcomings in other areas,

 but he had also given them many gifts along the way.

They felt respected and heard.
My parents did that.
I am proud of them.

So that weekend was in honor of them. Mom and Dad thank you for my playful side....it's there...and more and more often.

I am beginning to seek it out in others to...and need it. As much as I seek it out in myself.

 I am beginning to realize that although seriousness and stability and order call my name-I also am searching for that other part of me that I sometimes feel was left back on that train.
I am beginning to realize that as our children get older it is this side that may mean the most to them.

Thank you for this reminder. Playfulness will always be something in me-which I am grateful
to you both for.

It is often in these times of play that I feel most happy and most authentic as surprising as that may seem. Even to me.