Real Life

It’s amazing to me the things we remember about important events-the things that touch us the most that stay with us forever.

Today at the funeral I am not sure I will ever forget the somberness of the church and the echo rattle of the music playing-his favorite song.

The simplicity of the service and the sheer beauty of it-that spelled out exactly who he was and what he stood for. The sense of who he was.

The way his eldest son stood at the front of the visitation line and welcomed all the hundreds of guests with a gentle smile and hug. Taking on the role his Dad would have played, even through his own  tremendous grief.

The way all the children and teens there were dressed. Most in their private school uniforms, others more casually with their favorite hoodies or shoes.

My son, by my side. For the first time that I no longer saw him as a child. He was a man sitting there, listening, crossing his chest in prayer, tears in his eyes and the limousine with the body pulled away. The smell of him, the sound of him, the silence in the car.

The wife, publically giving her children permission to laugh and be happy.  Setting them free..Even as I write this part tears are streaming down my face. It was likely one of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced. I had more respect for that Mother than I have had for anybody in that moment. I learnt more from her in that minute than I have from the thousand parenting books I have read over my lifetime.

The way that even if I did not know Roman Catholic etiquette, or where to sit in the church, or what to do, or how to act …that  I knew anyways and so did Chase. We did not need to know we just knew. The length of time to stand outside watching the body going away-for so long because our feet would not move, the silence at the church, the laughter at the reception in celebration of his life. Where we sat and how we held on to each other. What was spoken and when.

The way my son cried the moment he saw his buddy break down as he said a final farewell to his Father as the casket was taken into the long car. The tears in Chase’s eyes. For someone else. The worry, the support, the empathy.

The respect, dignity and support shown for the family by my son. His decision to single them out one by one as he left to look at them in person and expressed his deepest respect. The fact this all came from him, from his heart and had nothing to do with me.

The son’s reaction when I told him that everything in the eulogy said about his Dad reminded me so much of the way I would describe him. He is his Father’s son. They way he hugged me, the way he held on. My courage in telling him that and not assuming it was an imposition or that he was preoccupied. Going with my instincts.

The “vrai education” that I gave my son today far more important than his missed Math or Science exam. The lessons.

The sheer and utter sadness of it all. The beautiful and lovely celebration of his life. The brilliance. The beauty. The horror. The loss. The community coming together. The paradox of what death makes us feel as the living.

But mostly….above all….was the support that was there today for that family. The foundation they have built with their dear friends, so many of them. The net that they have woven that will catch them through this horrifying time. The love that surrounds them. The friends who know them as family. The closeness and the bonds .

The feeling of recocogniton in me that I became paradoxically a little envious even during this tragic time..of this village that they had so lovingly built. So much not out of luck as the eulogy spoke out, but out of hard work and dedication. To family and friends. Of being there in thick and thin, in celebration and in loss. Building milestones..and memories. Being there always for each other every single step of the way

Building lives together that go beyond their own households.

Not always putting family first.

I have that village in many ways, but also don’t in some ways too.

I realized today who I am at the core and in some ways have ignored what I need in my life.

I am all about villages.

I want to focus on building this village. For my kids. For my Family.

For me

I need it

It’s the next step

It’s what has always been there

But also what has always been missing

To look at today and just let it all seep in. To remember it all rather than forgetting. To keep it with me as we keep on living. To learn the lessons that were meant for us to receive.

To allow a man’s life, and his death, to touch our own.

Pastas and Gelatos

We are getting pretty excited around here.

(Well some of us actually).

Three of us are getting to go away this week on a Mediterranean cruise from Venice to Athens with a bunch of beautiful stops along the way.

It’s Bear’s turn to do his “Before High School Trip” with us and it is going to be amazing.

I am proud of this tradition because it is one of the handful of traditions that we have around here that are fully invented by us. We never read about it elsewhere, never heard of anyone else doing this. It was born in our brains. Of course I am sure other people our there in the world do similar things-but if they do I have never heard of it, and that makes me happy to have invented something in our family that is catching on pretty quickly! (I have a colleague at work going in a month on what she calls “Tarina’s trip” with her grade 6 daughter..)

So our tradition is that this is done when each kid in at the end of Grade 6 –right before they start high school. We carefully chose that period because they can afford to miss a couple of days of school that would be impossible in the private French private school system later on, but more importantly it’s a period of life where we feel is super important to bond strongly with our children individually.

We want to give them that safely net and reassurance right before they enter that BIG BAD world of high school (which really is not that bad after all but still a little scary).

And so we plan a trip, which is selected by the three of us together with the criteria that it has to be cultural and not beachy and not the same place their sibling has selected. We strongly encourage Europe as we have a need to travel there and a desire that has not been fulfilled in years and so we strongly recommend it.

Chase’s trip was to Paris (prior blog time!) and we had an amazing time together. I was in Switzerland for work so I flew back through Paris and met my two men there for a four day trip and we had a great time. And Chase still says I love you every night at least 10 times before bed to us, hugs us in front of his friends and generally enjoys our company so think it did some good bonding after all (although the rest of the time he acts like  a normal teenager with a huge attitude and is impossible to live with but we take what we can get!!!)

We decided even more recently to go for 2 trips each, that in our kid’s lifetimes they will each get one 4 day trip somewhere and one 10 day trip to somewhere further. One will take place in grade 6 and the other right after high school (another period of life where we feel really important to celebrate and bond).

(If you have not figured it out yet-we find many excuses to travel…bonding-rebonding…the list goes on and on and on. In our minds spending our money on going away is worth every single penny of it and all the working we have to do to save it all up).

Bear’s 10 day trip occurred now because he can afford to miss school for a week. Chase had his 4 day trip 2 years ago and will have his 10 day trip after high school. Beauty? The jury is still out –we still have 2 yrs to decide on that one-could go either way.

We love travelling the five of us as a family, but to be honest we find these individual trips even more special. The years we do them-we don't do family trips, but the time alone with the kids is so incrediably special given that in real life it is rare to have 5 minutes with one child alone. I love this way to see the world.We get to know them so deeply on these voyages.

So off to Venice we go on Thursday with the other two sweeties will be tucked away at home with Nana Didi-which is also a party in itself! Hope they are good to herJ

And one of the rules of our trips is that the people going have to guest blog for me –so expect 2 posts from Bear (not so happy) and one from my Protector next week (medium thrilled)!

So in conclusion, this year I have been more deliberate in traditions overall and have adopted many new ones I am also grateful for the ones that already exist around here. I am especially grateful for this one…as it is a week that I am hoping will be so memorable.

And I am doubly thrilled that we will be able to toast (with real champagne even for Bear) that he is officially  M. Mini Defi-Sports!!!! All of our obsessive wishing, trusting the process, strategizing , connecting the dots and plain hard work has paid off and it is time to go and enjoy some italian ice cream and Greek feta...finally.

His Village

It has been a really sad weekend. One of Chase's close friend's Dad, at 42 yrs old, died on Friday from brain cancer.  A life completely unfinished.

The Father of three beautiful kids and husband to a wonderful wife - the

community is grieving their loved one. Today it seems everyone I run into has been deeply affected and saddened by this tragic death.

And my son is beside himself. He cried all night long...for his friend's

unimaginable  loss.

What occurred to me most over the last 24hrs in how important a support system is to a family. Almost instantly the children were taken under the wings of friends of the family, they were comforted and cared for. This particular family has a network or friends whom all ski together and see each other every weekend and they have raised their children together. They are like family to each other.

And now they are mourning together.

And they will take care of that wife and those children of that dear friend that they lost in his honor as if they were their own. I am certain.

And that is so important isn't it-to try and build that for our own children?

Because we never know where life will end up. As scary as it is to think about we need to prepare them as much as we can and make sure there love goes well beyond just us-that it is extended to other people and parts of the world...and that other people's love reaches them.

To not be selfish when it comes to love. To let as many people love them as possible and to let them be in love with many.

So as my son asks me again this weekend if it is ok if next summer he goes to camp for a month as a counselor in training or would I miss him too much, or my older son chooses a friend's family for a Friday night dinner over our own, or my daughter goes on a trip with her godparents in the future-a place I would like to experience with her myself, or as I feel sometimes  too tired or busy to make special trips and times in our schedules to be with cousins or friends for my children far away....I will think back to this Friday.

And I will remember that life is never predictable or fair.

That we need to force ourselves to plan for the unexpected.

That we need to provide for our children beyond our own embraces and our own love to give.

We have to encourage the world to love them as much as possible and to have many parents.

In case one day we are gone and we have to leave them.

We need them to be able to go on with happiness in their hearts.

With others who will collect them and cuddle them as their own.

And for us as parents to ensure that we don't only nurture our children, but the support system around us-and build foundations that may someday turn into homes.

It takes a village to raise kids-and it’s up to us to build it even if we don’t have the first clue how.

The Use of Time..

So what do you do when you have an unexpected 4 hour delay in Cleveland in transit to visit your brother, your sister-in law and two nieces?

Do you bitch and complain?
Yes you do initially.
Denial and resistance stage.
Of course you do.

Then what you do next counts.
You decide to make good use of the time-so you turn to your daughter and say "What can we do for next 4 hrs to make it worthtwhile-is there anything you have ever really wanted to talk to me about but that we can't find time for?

Her answer "Mom I don't really like talking" was not exactly what you were hoping for.

So you pull her into the bookstore and she looks through all the books and ask you to buy her one.
Now normally you might suggest she use her own money or say no that she has 4 at home that have not been read that you purchased last month.

But here's your opportunity! To make great use of time! To make your child a reader! (Exploration)

So you buy it ( Acceptance and Commitment) and she sits there with her little tiny nose in it . Her little non- talking mouth starts discussing it with you to. You started a little book club!

This could be the start of a reader. And there is nothing better than loving books. I personally go though at least 5-6 a month.

So happy reading Beauty. You will see my Dear that if you love reading-there will not be many opportunities in life where you will complain for delays.

You may start off  bitching and complaining, but there will always be the part of you who simply sees it as another few hours that you get to read.

The Couch at the Office

Over the years, as parents we have done some pretty stupid things.

But we have also come up with some pretty damn good brilliant ideas too.

Thank goodness for the white leather couch we put at my husband’s office is all I can say.

This couch has saved us time, our careers, our souls. It has been there thick and thin for our children.

Our kids have watched DVD players on it, Netflix, drank ginger ale on it and thrown up on it. They have dozed on it, snored on it and had fevers on it.

And doubly thank goodness for the team of sweet “nurses” at my husband office (aka his secretaries), who take care of those little people on the couch when they need something and my husband is in the conference room with clients (aka always).

My Protector and I came up with this brilliant idea after we had three kids and realized that if we were ever going to be able to go to work on a regular basis we needed to have back up plans if the kids were sick. Knock on wood my kids have probably throughout their lifetimes been sick at least 2/3 less than most people’s kids  for some reason, but still there always seem to be someone with a fever, a sore tummy, a hurt foot, an ear infection or a ruptured appendix or hernia every now and them. And these things always seems to happen when we cannot work from home because we have “important meetings” (aka as every single day of our lives).

So for the first few years of having kids we did it the stressful way. One of us took day off (me) or we shared the shift (mine always seemed to be the double shift) and tried to work from home. Then we got smarter and had back up sitters who we pay double to come at last minute. But who really feels like calling someone at 4am and asking them to come over? It’s just not normal.

Then when we renovated the house and my husband ventured out on his own at work and the Associate lawyer who shared office space with him left. We decided that we should rent a van and move 2 of our nice leather couches and coffee tables to make a room for our potentially sick children for many years to come.

They go there if they are not too sick. If they are throwing up they don’t get to go there usually. Often my husband’s prior receptionist would be asked to come home and stay with them. She used to call this “a day at head office. And before my husband hires anyone he lets them know that this is part of the contract! Mine and his time are reserved for when we are sick ourselves (no I don’t get to go use the couch!) or when are kids are really sick and need us and a sitter just won’t do.

The kids like it there as they get to watch movies and usually by mid-afternoon feel well enough to join my husband for a 50cent hot dog at Belle Province (yes I know it sounds like too much fun for sick kids, but we take what we can get for quality alone time with them right)!

And they get made a fuss over from all the nurses…and then they go home for a big long boring nap for hours and hours in the dark in their rooms when our schedules are freed up at the end of the day.

So as I dropped my sick daughter off today, I felt thankful for those white leather couches and grateful for them and what they have provided us over the years. It made me realize how creative and out of the box we have needed to become over the years to make it all somehow all work out and function properly.

When a woman at the school asked me the other day as she saw me dressed up in my crisp white button-down,my grey tweed suit  and heels on my way to lead an important meeting at work-she said “How do you do this??? How do you possibly make it work with both of you with these types of careers with no too much built in flexibitility??”

And after a few moments of careful consideration; I told her it was because of a white leather couch at my husband’ office.

And that is the truth.

Fibbing Roast Rope

In the last few days I have been the teller of a lie and the receiver of one. It’s amazing what an impact a simple lie can have and how complicated life can become because of one (or two).

It all started with a pork roast. More than a roast this particular one happened to be joyously stuffed with apples and Brie. Since I have been pretty much mentally and physically checked out for the last while due mostly to my work, my Protector has been  managing the home front all on his lonesome.

And forced to plan, organize and execute the 15 person dinner party we held for his college friends at Trent this weekend.

All this to say our angel housekeeper prepared this beautiful roast and we served it to our hungry guests. For whatever reason this time-different than other times where we simply say “We were busy this week and so the woman that cooks for us made this to help us-isn’t it yummy?”. Mysterious lies started to come out of my husband’s mouth further supported by Moi.

I think our logic was-truly  1) this roast is something Hubby could have naturally made so why not take the credit?  2) He wanted to impress his guests and went to so much trouble planning and organizing it and selecting the perfect recipe-why give all the recognition away?  3) he started on a lie and could not stop.

So it all began:

“Oh my God-that roast all roped up so perfectly like that and stuffed looks incredible! Where did you buy it?”

“I made it myself”

“That’s impossible!!!!! You can’t cook that well!!!

“Umm-yes I do-all the time”

“But the way it is roped and wrapped it is as if someone took a ruler and measured it so it would be perfectly spaced. Are you sure you did not have it done?”

“Of course I am sure! Are you calling me a liar? I cook day and night and rope roasts like this often. I just have a good eye and no did not use a ruler”

“Are you sure? We will believe you if you insist-but this is incredible. Really”

“Ya I am pretty good..maybe I can teach you how to rope roasts like this one day”

Next day: admit to amazing cook angel housekeeper that we are big fat liars and ask her to desperately show us how to wrap a roast in this perfect way before 2 months from now at the next get together. And she says:

“My husband is a butcher. He did it. He trains butchers across the island on how to do this so that they come out perfectly spaced and roped for the customers”.

Okay dokey. Yup lying is really really bad. Have I mentioned how much I think people get to learn from experiencing things in life themselves?

We have learnt.

I was also the lucky recipient of a lie this week. When the person told the outright lie I felt like saying “Really? Did you know that 10 minutes ago…..I got the real version of this story? The one without all the lies in it!”

I am biased I guess. I think my lie was better than the other lie. I tend to believe that our roast rope lie was not harmful and not badly intentioned. We are (almost) willing to go back and tell the truth if we did not feel like such idiots and took the lie way too far (almost/ maybe/ not).

I somehow think that our lie did not harm, betray or blindsight anyone. Maybe I am wrong?

All that to say. Lying is BAD. No wonder we tell our kids this all the time and warn them that once one dirty one pops out of your mouth, many others follow because you are backed up into a corner. It’s not very pleasant.

So we all ate this delicious roast together and everyone complimented and enjoyed every morsel, but my Protector and I did not enjoy it as much as we should of. We felt shamed and shameful and were very preoccupied on when we could fit into our schedules to quickly learn the mastery of knots on meats. We should have simply been instead enjoying the succulent company and meal at our table.

So although I was tempted this week to call the other person out and say “Big Fat Liar and you know it!”….I let it go…and  silently accepted that perhaps sometimes, in some situations, perhaps a white lie…is better to receive than the truth.

And that is just how life goes.

Happily Spent

Last night after an incredibly busy (and important weekend) I sat with my little family at 8:30pm around our kitchen counter at Trent by candlelight. Spa music playing softly in the background, a meal of leftover baguette and fancy cheeses and grapes, we sat munching and chatting and content.

I love beginning and ending the weekend with them all. All of us together. I felt so complete and happy and relaxed and the words “happily spent” kept coming to mind.

Our lives can get so chaotic and hectic sometimes-and these moments are so precious. What I realize too is that they are fueled by experiencing things together, living things together and ensuring that we hold on to our kids and keep them with us for all the important stuff we do as a family. Even though they are tempted sometimes to separate-we are eager to attach them. Even though were are willing often to escape it all it is critical that at this period of their lives we stay put and hold them closer to us.

Over the years my husband and I have been notorious for escaping once a year to some sunny hot place alone just the two of us, away from it all, in complete tranquility and relaxation. The Great Escape. What I find myself doing lately is counting all the years left that my kids will be young enough to be able to travel with us, without jobs, eager enough to spend their entire weekends at the cottage with us, and small enough to be tucked into their beds…and I find myself dreaming of all our time together and not our our time apart.

I realize that after they are 18yrs old I will have many, many quiet moments and months to travel just the two of us. Right now I get them. I get to soak them in as ours.

So this weekend was a really good one, despite being the most exhausted we may have ever been in our lives. The last few weeks have held so many things for our family and we have experienced most of them all together. We all feel into bed (each other’s beds) literally on Saturday night. I started off with Hubby and Beauty in mine and ended up with Chase. (Bear is too deep a sleeper than to want or care sleep anywhere else but in his own bedJ).

And Mama Bear was deeply proud of her 3 Cubs this weekend . What has always profoundly bugged me about blogs, before I started writing one, was the bragging factor. Everyday it seems like Johnny is amazing! Karen scored a goal!  Tom made a cake|! I read so little about Sara swearing at her parents, and Jim beating up the little girl at school….I had very mixed feelings about blogs. It's hard to find the right balance.

So in mine I try to be real. But sometimes I get the feeling that I brag too little and am too hard on the kids. To honest about some of my more negative or ambivalent feelings Other times I feel like I brag too much and pat myself on the back too often.

Today I don’t care. They impressed me to no end this weekend so became very “blog worthy".

We had all of my husband’s college friends over all day and evening Saturday-a gang of 15 adults and my kids wined them, and dined them, and talked to them all day. They socialized and chatted and spoke in two languages. They looked everyone straight in the eye and greeted them with big hugs and kisses and shook firm handshakes.  They asked them about their lives and shared theirs. They left us alone when needed and interacted when called on. They sat at the huge table with us for dinner for over 3.5 hours and just listened, and laughed and added their own two cents often. The meal tasted ten times better because of them.

They left the strict, childless, fancy French couple, who usually hate kids wanting to adopt all three.

And the next day it all continued. We did our final move from our family cottage to Trent. We said goodbye. Hubby’s neice and her young children were there and my kids welcomed them, and held hands with them, and got them dressed and offered to help with them. They complimented the couple on their new car, and poured their drinks and were so present and engaging and interesting.

The skill that we believe with all of our hearts will make our kids successful in life, which we focused on so ademently since they were infants (at the detriment of other thing it seems such as tidness some of the time and other areas where they are little piggies in some ways..) is all paying off. It’s all coming together and we could not be happier or more proud.

They sparkled. They have all the tools they need for their futures.I  can breathe (I think).

The have confidence. In themselves. In others.  In the world ahead that lies ahed of them. They don't fear it at all. They will be perfectly ok.

And we felt like we had done our job well.

For those few moments.

For these couple of days.

We took pride in other’s words, and lavish compliments. It felt good.

Because often it just feels like too much.

Too overwhelming.

Too chaotic.

Too energy consuming.

We question ourselves daily if we are good?

Good enough?

Capable as parents?

Have we focused on the right things?

But today I brag because they deserve it.

We deserve it.

We are happily spent, until next weekend until I hope to be happily spent with them again and again and squeeze as much happiness into the next few years as I possibly can.

To escape towards them and not away from them.

To Indulge as much as I possibly can while they are still mine.