Giving

It’s so true what is said about giving; that when we give from our hearts we feel so good ourselves. Giving gifts..is often so much better than receiving.

My son and I gave a very special gift about a month ago. Something that could never ever be enough, but was a very small token of our heartfelt sadness of a loss. Something we took together over a month to decide on..together.

When Chase’s friend lost his Dad 2 months ago…….it was extremely sad to say the least. I wrote a post on this and the funeral back in June.

We decided a month after his Dad’s passing to write a long letter to the Mom and 3 kids and tell them how beautiful and moving the funeral was. Included in that letter were gift certificates for the three kids to come for a swim and dinner at our place and to go to Sky Venture with our family-which is a very cool and expensive flying assimilation experience. Not something you do everyday or even in a lifetime. During this time we also bought a gift certificate for the Mom to have a relaxing massage at our fave spa.

And they were so happy to receive this gift. And we were so happy to give it to them and for them to be happy for even those few moments. The event is planned for a few weeks form now.

And since then…every one Chase sees he tells about this gift…..he is so proud..and so happy to have given it. It came straight from his heart and he is thrilled that it touched his friend and his family so profoundly.

Chase realized through this gift how important acts of service and kindness can be to others in time of need. And how really…although a gift could never change or alter a situation or a loss;.that people need to be taken care of through their grief and most importantly to be acknowledged.

So their son will come a couple of times to our cottage this summer and we will be there for him. Not to pretend he did not endure such profound loss…but to just be there for whatever he needs. To make sure he is the priority. And even if we are not close to the family, or even my son is not his closest friend….to be there for others..and offer your support. To not be shy when it comes to giving. There is never enough love for anybody in this world who is experiencing such grief...that is what I told Chase.

I am so proud of Chase and I think he is proud of me too. All because of this gift that brought us together in this terrible experience. Because we gave our hearts and it felt good to do this together.

 There is nothing like real life to teach our kids the hardest but most profound  lessons is there?

Angels over the Years

(sorry for typos-no time to edit today)

I started thinking back this morning to all the wonderful and not so wonderful people we have had working in our home over the years, ensuring that while we are at work-our home is taken care of.

When the kids were younger, I travelled more for my work and my job has often held as part of it a host of local and not so local offsite dinners and evenings with its peak a few years back that lasted about three years.

My husband takes time off..but for vacation only. Rarely for other reasons. When I am away or at work, it is others and not him who come to our homes and kid’s rescue.

We never had a nanny . We have always had housekeepers 1-1.5 days per week and then my Mom over the last number of years taking the kids to their activities, doing errands and managing our home in a lot of way. The work she does for us deserves another future post of it’s own.

This one is about our housekeepers…often referred to as angels who have saved us from starving over the years. Laundry, meals, preparations for meals for guests on the weekend. Cleaning, dusting, ordering groceries. Picking up the kids if needed and helping them to grow into responsible young adults by chastising them to make their beds and put  their clothes in the hamper. Watching over them in summer when they are home and feeding them lunches. Always within that day and a half..but a lot gets done over 12 hours if the delegation is done properly.

We started off with an angel..and have an angel now but in between….,my word there were some strange ladies! (and man)

 Our first angel was an older, very bossy lady who has strong opinions, the body of an ox and a heart of gold. She cleaned and cleaned and cooked us stews and ironed and  my brought my Hubby’s underwear more than once home to sew up any holes. She nurtures and loved our children and sent them money at Easter and their birthdays for years after she retired. She loved our family as her own…and we loved her too…although part of her scared us too…she was one overpowering lady. More than anything-she was wonderful and my children were adored.

So what that she never followed instructions? So what if our food was made with heavy cream and heart attack inducing? So what if she took it upon herself to put our handmade Italian blinds through the laundry machine and shrunk many good shirts? She loved us more than life and was with us for many of our kid’s formative years. She was a keeper. And then she had to retire. We still keep in touch. My husband calls her every year on her birthday.

Between that angel and today’s angel…we were not as lucky. We had one of the worst housekeepers humanly possible for a year who I think truly hated us and our children. Her idea of a meal was a big ham, with no sauce on it, no gravy, no veggies, no potatoes and no plates, with a big fork in it in the middle of the table. Hard as rock and tasteless –this was her act of love. She hated our home and her job…..and we did not feel very favorably towards her either. None shed a single tear the day she left.

 We had another lovely couple come and tend to our home that were very odd. Their cleaning was amazing but I never trusted them. I let them go when 2000$ was stolen in cash that was left in an envelope of the renovation guy. To this day we don’t know if it was them who took it or the people doing renovations. I tried not to let their appearances intimidate me over the years-they were massive people. Between them maybe 15 feet tall and 750 pounds..of pure muscle. They were like two giraffes…they scared me a lot (and scared the kids). They never smiled much.

 A couple of good and sweet cleaners in between. Can’t really remember them much.shows how long that lasted.

Then SHE came along about 5 years ago and is truly our angel. She makes the best meals you have ever tasted..it’s like a personal chef. She can whip up muffins from anything in your fridge and prepare a dinner party in a couple of hours. She is kind, gentle, interesting and adoring. She waits for the kids to come home afterschool because she loves talking to them about rodeos and hockey. She loves sleeping over when we go away in winter as she loves spending time with the children and they love her too. She is discreet, sweet and wonderful.

Her laundry and cooking are perfect. Her housecleaning is good…but won’t have our house sparkle as if a team came in and cleaned it..but I prefer that sparkle in my laundry, my food and her smile. We are all different in what is important to us and she is the perfect fit for our family... I think I would dig a hole and bury myself in it the day she leaves our family. To me she is simply not replaceable. She is wonderful for our family and for our needs. She very rarely has missed a Tuesday or Thursday afternoon all of these years and I thank god for her dependability and reliability.

 So although often we are at work…….we have a system that works for us with the angels that have cared for our home. It’s a load of work to delegate properly, but much easier than doing it ourselves! It’s worth all the money I dish out for these services for the peace of mind and the hearty meals on my table twice a week.

Add my Mom in there a few afternoons a week and I have a really win win situation going on that I thank God for every day. I am a career woman that is certain, but I have never, ever wanted my kids to be subject to my choices. I wanted to give them a partial stay at home mom feeling and I think they have always had it. And this makes me happy. I feel like our plan worked and the kids are reaping the benefits.

So to all those who have taken care of us at home a huge thank you for the peace you provide me. And even to those who took a ham out of the freezer and stuck it on my table….you taught me what I could not tolerate and made me select with more care the next time. It is because of you…that I have an angel in my home now. You..led me to HER.

Collected Them.

Today was a perfect day as far as I am concerned.

I got my kids back. One. Two. Three. Gosh I love these children of mine. As nice as it was to be away from them for a bit-it felt amazing to be back home the 5 of us too….

So first the boys this morning. Bear in the Sports-explo program and Chase in the Super Challenge Sensation. They were so exhausted-you should see the curriculum of these camps-made me exhausted just reading them!

My hear always pounds a bit when I get there –I am always nervous. There is a ceremony where they present the awards and you can’t get to your kid before it is over, but you can see them through the fence. I look at them and they wave and smile and I think “Do they have friends? Are they happy? Did they have a good time? Why aren’ t they smiling? And my heart beats faster…and a headache comes on…..it’s as if I am them..whatever happens to them happens to me.

And of course Bear wins the award of Camper of the Week AGAIN…and of course Chases does not (criteria 1 is you have to participate in every activity including the singing..that rules him out right there!)

 And then the ceremony ends and they are ours again….and they come and hug as casually as tons of people watching and not the coolest to throw yourself in your parents arms is it? And they say they had a great time. Bear says best time of his life and Chase says OK time. Ok time???? Ok time????? Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is great news! Friends, fun, liked activities and would “likely” agree to go back next summer. This is amazing..I will take that.

Off to the sandwich resto we go where they make sandwiches shaped like snakes and pacmans and we all just talk and talk and talk..about  everything. We are so happy to all be together and share all the details of their lives and ours.

And what was the first question both boys asked when they first saw us? Was it…what are we having for dinner? Was it can we get candy?  Can I have my cell? No! it was…” how is Beauty-how is she liking her camp??”

 And when I told them that the last news we got at visiting day was that she was heartbroken and crying..they were heartbroken too. Bear said even the restaurant’s music in combination with this depressing news was way too sad to handle and could the resto pls change the melancholy beat?

So they worried and worried until we picked her up at 6pm when her camp ended. We decided to let them go technology crazy for the afternoon to get it out of their systems so gave them their computers and phones. They had a blast and loved this since so rarely happens at Trent.

Then the four of us went on a long boat ride and had a super long swim and it was just so peaceful and wonderful. I was so happy to have those boys back. Made me think I will likely have to kill any girl who tries to invade our happy home one day. I have no want or room for any girls..thank you very much. They are MINE! (I will need to get over this clearly..and quicklyJ

And then…we got to get HER. And she RAN towards her Dad and threw herself in his arms, and them my arms and then her brother’s arms…and she said thew second week, she had an AMAZING time. She was able to be the boss of her brain and she is even going to write a blog about how she did it! She prayed before our meal at dinner  too (I mean of course she wasn’t lonely-God was with her right??) and she said she is going back there next summer!!! A miracle has occurred!

So we were all delighted and so relived and we gave her the pacman sandwich and we brought her home. The boys made her play cops and robbers with the bee bee guns Did bought them until we took our girl on a sunset cruise the three of us on the lake to talk about camp and the second week. The boys kayaked over to the neighbors and tried out their new water trampoline.

We went for groceries and planned out two perfect dinners and made one tonight. As our tradition goes, everyone gets to choose two things each at the grocery store, and so now we have 6 crazy foods in the house (strawberry syrup for milk, hot rods, some unrecognizable candy etc..) We had Moules and Frites and Greek salad with wafer cookies for dessert. Before that I snuggled with each of them for at least 30 minutes on the sofa and rubbed their heads and backs.

After dinner Beauty so tired so went to her cozy bed and boys stayed up and watched Modern Family with me. They were so tired too-could tell Chase was getting crabbier by the second complaining about the negative stuff about camps (aka they don’t feed them enough and he barely eats anything at all. And the beds are not cozy and they have to get up at 6:20 etc….etc… etc…)

 Time for sleep!!!! Anyways it was my perfect day and I realized just how abundantly happy these children make me and how until the 5 of us (and only 5 and no more!) are all there together….home just does not feel like home. Remind me of these wonderful sentiments in three days when they are driving me crazy again, and I can’t wait to send them to camp again next summer…but for now I feel utterly complete and happy inhaling their sweetness, kindness and love. Don’t worry this annoying happiness won’t last long!

More than ever Hubby and I have decided that these next few years count a lot and we are going to ensure they are filled with lots of togetherness, experiences, trips and time together as a unit.

I have read 4 books on teenagers in the last week and have decided to have much higher expectations of my teens than the way the authors depict the average teen.  No I actually don’t think my teen is drinking or smoking or attending wild parties behind my back and playing “spin the blowjob” .. I don’t think he wants to lock himself in his room away from us..and swear at us to our faces..I intend to keep us healthy, happy and together for as long as I possibly can. Am I for real?

Just dare me ok? We shall see, I could be wrong, entirely wrong, but somehow I think the next decade will be wonderful. I intend to let it all play out and when my last child is 17 write a book on how amazing having teens was.

(and maybe I am just naïve and innocent….but this is how I feel right now)

Today was just too heavenly to picture anything less.

A Few Childless Eccentricities

Time to go get our kiddies from camp!

 A few memorable highlights of our time as a couple over the last days:

-Sleeping a lot. Often. Forever

 -Sleeping in really weird places. As in on my new floating dock in my gazebo on the water (yay!) but on the coldest night of the week. As in 9 degrees and four blankets and socks and long pjs and even hats. My husband must truly love me to agree to this. Funny thing in is that we slept so well and even had a frog come under the deck and croak really loudly. Loved that!

 -My husband says I am a hypocrite because weather does matter to meL(( I bitched for a day and a half about the crappy weather we had a good part of the time so far up here. Ok..ok..so maybe weather matters to me when my kids aren’t here..or on vacation…or in summer…ok ok! I cant always be happy it is stormy and rainy and cloudy bc of the name of my blog can I?

-We beat our record and had dinner one night at 11:45pm!!!!! That is just plain stupid isn’t it? And it was a big deal too-not just a piece of toast. Beef stroganoff, parsley salad and bread and dessert  too. Weird-we  are weird.

-Swimming in the freezing lake..and then jumping in the hot Jacuzzi. Sitting outside on the dock with our white fluffy robes; eating vinegar chips, drinking iced tea, watching movies from our laptop cuddling on the Bali bed; falling asleep literally everywhere we can. Buying the yummiest food on earth at Loblaws. Cinnomon bun in morning and baguette and smelly cheese at Happy Hour.

 -Having big fights! More and more it seems..and over stupidities too. Can’t seem to agree on some major upcoming decisions-which are unusual for us. Oh well at least we agree on the kids. I hope my very religious neighbors still like me even after I screamed "F...!" across the yard and lake more than once.

 -Planning all our future vacations and where we want to go in this world (we change our minds a lot). Counting the years left where we still have our kids wanting to be with us and ensuring we make the best of every momentJ

-Reading everything there is to read. Learning a ton about teenagers. And steamy sexy romances too!

It’s been wonderful. I love Trent I honestely can't imagine a place we would be happier taking our summer vacation. I love time alone. Can’t wait to get back those sweeties now for part 2.

How do you Show Love?

Do you hold him and tell him he is yours?

Plan things out to make it all better?
Affirm him and make sure he knows how much you appreciate him?
Ensure things are perfect for him when he gets home?
Give your body and heart and soul to him and make sure he knows he is your one and only?
Cry in your pillow so that he can’t hear?
Do you protect him or affect him?
Give him his space or cozy up by him?
Do you save yourself for him?

Do you tell her the truth always?
Do you witness her life fully?
Do you accept and not judge?
Do you write tributes about her?
Do you listen well?
Do you let her faults wash away and focus on her strengths?
Do you let her love you fully? Do you let her in?
Do you let her slip away?
Do you let her hide?
Do you love her fully because she is her?

And she…..do you take comfort in her arms?
Do you tell her everything about yourself?
Does her pain eat away at you?
Do you love her unconditionally?
Do you share everything with her and your heart too?
Are you selfless?
Does she know you fully?
Can you become her?

And them….do they understand the weight of your love?
Does she know how lovely she is?
Does he understand how big he is in your mind?
Does he know how welcome the change is in him?
Does she know that without her you would never had found peace?
Does he know that because of him you have learned the true meaning of love?
Does he know that your pride in the person he is, is bigger than anything you have ever known?

Does she know how much you miss her?
How deeply you need her?
How much better your life is now?

Have you loved him enough?
Is his love enough?
Are your giggles and hugs ok?
Do you tell him often that he is one sexy boy?
Does he find comfort in your mind?
Will you set him free?
Will you learn?
Will his kisses melt your heart?
Does he adore you?
Does he think of you day and night?
Are you there, my love?

Do they feel the comfort in you?
Have you been enough?
Has your love been what they are looking for?
Will it sustain them forever?
Will they always be entirely yours?
Will you always ensure they are?
Will you?

How do you show your love? What is your language? What is theirs?

Is it good enough? Does it count? Do they understand?

Did you get it right? Did they?

Filling up My LoveTank

(This blog was supposed to have been posted in August but I forgot to post it. A special lunch this week with Childhood Wonder made me remember. She was the one a few years back who reminded me how important it is to share with ones close to you when you are going thorugh something important to you and not just share the process after.  She showed me that it is ok to take up space when you need it.She reminded me of the importance of both giving and receiving in a friendship.Of trusting a freind to help you. As we sat at lunch talking and discussing about an important issue she is facing now....I thought back to the week before where she so unselfishly also took her time and helped me with an important issue I was facing...and I interally smiled for the good fortune of good friends. For the gift of friendship and for being there for eachother...through life as it occurs whatever which way that may look like)

Below a post of gratitude:

There is this friend I have and she is pretty darn special.

Her name is Chilhood Wonder.

I was reading a book yesterday which reminded me of her a lot. It is called the “Five Languages of Love” and they talk about how some people fill up your love tank and how others deplete them. She most definitely fills mine up.

She and I met in grade 4 and were the best of friends for so many years of our elementary and high school years. For me…she really made these years exceptional. I loved having a BEST friend and she was just that. We shared so much together, I biked fast and furiously to see her new haircut, we spent endless hours at the pool suntanning and talking about the cute older boys, we made up dances and skits and shared nuggets at McDonald’s together with our allowances. We tried to pretend to shoplift a jujube (a post for another time..) and we fought over mattresses, GOD! and swings. We belonged together and to each other and our elementary and high school years were filled to the brim with each other.

She made these years wonderful for me.

Childhood wonder is still a very, very big part of my life. She is one of my most precious friends. There were many years where our lives and our friendship changed…..but love was always there. Always. I knew in a second (and I hope she did too) that we were just a bike ride or meeting half way from each other. Both of us did a lot of changing over those years and our lives are very different still, if I had to say of all my friends who my life is most different from it is likely she and I; which is so funny because we spent so much of our lives growing up together. But these differences never tore us apart…….we continued loving each other and growing and changing in our own lives.

We were always there for each other for the big things and it was always such a comfort. Over the last few years our bond has strengthened a lot and we share so many parts of ourselves with each other. She is my texting buddy, my advisor in many ways for advice, my writing mind and the person I go to when I need to feel understood. She is an amazing listener and helper and sees things in different ways than I do which is so good for me. She is honest with me and honest in what she needs, She takes me out of my warm and comfy comfort zone and shakes it up every once in a while. She ask for what she needs in life…and I admire that so.

When I think of her I think of her parents and how much I adored them as a child. Their bagels with melted cheese, Pac-man, dips and veggies, Trident gum in the drawer. Those memories bombard my mind with comfort and peace and adoration. I loved the tradition their home held, church on Sundays and gin for her Dad in the adult living room at night. Kind words and hugs and gentle probing. Arms wide open for me too…imagine how good that felt?

(See at this point this is where the tears begin to flow as I write. Just thinking of those memories is enough to fill me up and lose it. Part of me growing apart in so many ways from Childhood Wonder and my Soul keeper too, was like a child going into adolescence…differentiating me from the ones I loved for independence and freedom).

In essence-they knew too much. So much more than everyone who met me later on. I am not quite sure with either of them around too often if I would have been able to estrange myself from my Father for the years that I did; to ignore that I was his daughter for such a length of time. They would have reminded me that I needed him back in my life, that I needed a Father..and I was not ready to hear that in those years in my life.

It is not coincidence that at the time I went through the process of forgiving my Father and myself that I allowed Childhood Wonder and my Soul Keeper back fully into my heart. These two events happened simultaneously….as I always knew they needed too. Maybe one day I will talk to these two girls more about this process for me..but for now I will just shyly write about it.

Both these women are strong and gracious and selfless in their affections. Both are able to be constant friends no matter what good or bad things are happening in their own lives. Neither of them ever takes a pause..from either their friendships or their priorities no matter what is going on. Both have been there for me always even when I have selfishly taken my own (needed) pauses.

So Childhood Wonder is still a wonder for me. We are so very different and so very much the same in so many ways. She has never been far-I have dreamt of her so often over the years, she was always so close in my mind and in my heart. And just like her parent’s love and home……her love for me is comforting and warm and secure. That is what she is-someone who loves me for who I am, and does not try to change me but rather patiently waits as I alter myself, and who takes the good with the bad, and who is there a shining force through the good times and bad times that life beholds for us both.

And just like those mini pizzas on bagels, there is always part of me who will run towards this kind of love and another part that will always fear it and run the other way. To be loved fully…..it’s scary in some ways as I grow up and leave my “adolescence “ behind….I realize how much further I have come in running towards things that make me feel good, instead of in the other direction paralyzed by fear that the things I love most will somehow go away..someday. Wouldn’t that hurt way too much?

So Childhood Wonder has been a very large part of my journey. As a woman, as a Mother, as a daughter and as a friend. She likely does not know it yet, but because of her…I have come further than I think I would ever have come without her in my life. A lot further.

And my heart is so eternally grateful.

I adore her baby girl and adore the beautiful and true person she has always been. My hearts aches for her pain in her troubled times and I look forward and forward to all the rainbows that I know are hers. I look ahead for her…because that is what I am good at and I think she understands that she can depend on me for that. That is the way I show love. It is my Love Language.

And this week especially I think of the two of us at Frontier Lodge, sleeping in our bunks and holding hands often….both receiving stickers and letters from our Mommies and sharing their contents. Being there for each other as we were fueled by the strengths of our Moms each in different ways.

And more than anyone I know when it comes to those Moms……..we understand eachother….and we will support each other. We grow up as daughter and as Moms together each in our own ways, because we were taught by two of the very finest of them all. Both fundamentally opposites in so many ways…both so very different…..but both so beautiful, and wonderful and strong.

Just like the two of us.

Learning the Love Lanaguages of the other. Taking some of that vocabulary and adding it to our own mothering suitcases. To enhance and diversify in wonderful and beautiful ways.

Thank You:)

Are you Kidding Me??

This expression ran through my mind a lot last week. I almost said it out loud a few times but held back.

In the stir-fry line at work, on my way home, in line at a restaurant, I asked other people about their vacation plans and many said “ Well I was going to take next week off, or the next, but work is too busy..so I think I will cancel. My spouse is going to kill me”.

With the risk of offending anyone reading this blog…this is how strongly I feel about this:

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Get a life! 

(no offense I often say this to the people I care most about) Sometimes a serious wake up call is in order.

And it was not one person who said this to me but many. And it was as if they expected me to look at them and say” Wow..you really are a hero”.

Personally I think it is a pathetic way to function. If I cancelled my vacation every time I had a pile of work to be done on my desk, or when an important meeting was being held, or someone preferred I not take vacation at all…I would barely know my three children. I would go nowhere. I would always be at work. I would live there.

There is always a reason to cancel vacation. But you don’t.

It has been nineteen years my husband and I have been together (16 married) and not once have we cancelled a vacation week, weeks or even a day. And we both have very big and demanding jobs. My husband runs his own legal office and has a zillion clients and not once has he cancelled a vacation. He has had clients bitch and scream, and almost threaten him that he will be off for 3 weeks in summer……but this does not faze him. We come first. For those precious three weeks anyway.

And at my work, there is always a million and one reasons that come up that make it hard to take vacation, but I choose not to reprioritize my life based on factors I cannot control. I am not indispensable, I can delegate, I can shift projects and I can bear to miss important visits and meetings. Because if I did not…I would never take vacation, and that is just plan mean to my family.

So yes we protect our time and we always have. On vacation we are less apt to use our email or our phones, we rarely check emails for work and when we do we make sure that it is because it energizes us (me!!) and not depletes us (him!!). But we are careful with our time and our energies.

We try to lessen our to do lists..and our responsibilities and use our free time for each other and our children. For spontaneous cuddles and chats and watching movies and swimming. We protect our time fiercely.

My Mom even said to me last night that she needed to call Hubby to ask him how to use DVD player at our house and she could sense my hesitation (just want to talk to her for pleasure and not use mine or hubby's head in this time)…..it’s as if these weeks are a rare gift and I want to savor every moment. My husband is the same he is annoyed by going to buy more milk when we run out or having our guy who cuts our grass call and want to be paid during these precious times…It’s extreme I know and ridiculous and over the top (of course we can help my Mom with the DVD player with pleasure!!) but just shows how busy we are the rest of the year. How demanding our life is ..and how instead of escaping to Bora Bora..we escape to here in our own way which is harder because we are around. How we demand that all we do in those weeks……are for enjoyment. So opposite our real lives.

No one is ever going to hand you these moments on a silver platter..it’s up to you to carve them out for your spouse and for your kids. To make time to be fully theirs right?

One of my clients asked me the other day what I thought was a n indicator of marriages not working out…what I have seen and witnessed over the years. My answer?  If by February you have not planned as a couple your summer vacations as a couple or a family….it is not looking too good for your long term marriage I am afraid.

Couples and families who stay together..play together I firmly believe. And work hard play hard is a double edged sword there are two sides. If you don’t have the energy and will to plan your precious time off……it’s not looking good baby.

And that is what I think on this subject. Strongly as you can see.

People who cancel their vacations outside of huge family and personal and health emergencies annoy me to no end. Or unless they are a President or a VP and  work for a company where in their roles vacations are not expected in the first place;  if that is what they choose and signed up for then that is fine by me.  Just dont say you are taking vacation and don't unless you have a damn good reason....

If even one single person reads this blog and decides not to cancel their vacation..I will be pleased as punchJ

Remember at your funeral it’s your family that cries and gets up and talks about you…not the employee in the next office. Give that family and friends your time and your heart.  Second chances don’t always happen.