Yummy

 I don’t have a ton of real “Aha” moments.

Maybe it is because I am a control freak, or a know it all, or not spiritual enough or just plain boring.

(yes trust the process, connect the dots etc..were all great but they belonged to other people who taught me how to live into them)

I have some aha moments, and likely many over the years but not that many that are completely unexpected and spontaneous. I don’t think I have that many life altering ones; ones that take place on a deep unconscious level. I am just too controlling for those beautiful freeing and wonderful moments.

Until now that is.

Today I had one. After a night of crying myself to sleep for no damn good reason at all….Of course my period came today but also a peace washed over me and somehow my view of the world also altered in some strange and wonderful way.

Something very important shifted for me.

I am actually not going to get into the details of it (I know strange for me who pours my life out to many people both privately and publically!), because these feelings were extraordinarily profound and I am not really ready to share them with anyone (yet). Sorry Mom! Savvy! SoulKeeper! Everyone else I love!

All I know is that reading is good for me and so are the feelings that come up when I read books as uncomfortable as some of them may be. I am on a constant quest for new knowledge and have a thirst for information, change and ultimately fulfillment. Thank goodness for the 22 books I have here during this vacation.

 The off combination of reading "The 5 Languages of Love” and “Fifty Shades Freed” has led me to a day that just made plain old sense.

That I have been waiting for all my life in many ways.

That felt to me……like coming home.

And I liked that feeling very, very, very much.

Maybe reading Shades of Grey was good for me after all?  Christian Grey taught me a whole lot, and not about sex, but about my heart. How minty is good, but reserve it for work. Take more chances and bring out that strawberry body wash a whole lot more often for your loved ones. Strawberry may just be the last piece of the puzzle?

And my language? It may be that I have been speaking the wrong one. Adjust a bit more to each individually and give them more of the love they need, ask them what language to speak to them in. And to acknowledge in myself that more and more often I will need to ask for the type of love I need . I deserve to be loved in my language too right?

I hope I keep this feeling with me and feel it again. Allow it all back to my conscious. I love the feeling of something occurring in me that I did not plan for or control. Is this what happens to more normal people often?

Wow.

Indulge. In what may be-a whole new side of me. Bring it on.

Stay-Cation

There inevitably comes that time when you take vacation with your family-when you get a bit tired of them all.

This unfortunate feeling usually hits me around day 11. Hmmmm..what day are we today?

It feels even worse when you are on a “stay-cation” (aka not a 5 star hotel where you are being served all day and cleaned up after). My patience runs out not only with the kids and husband, but with the cooking, cleaning, laundry and dishes too.

I mean people…this is NOT a joke, we have not eaten out in a restaurant in 17 days! Not even a bloody hotdog! And my husband does not believe in leftovers or toast or cereal for dinner. What is wrong with this man?

Ok so he does all the fancy cooking, but I do all the fancy cleaning and organizing and shopping for groceries. I am full. Please take all the food away now-it is enough.

And the kids? Yes they are still lovely and sweet but tonight I just watched one episode to many of Modern Family. And yes yes..I love you…I love you…and I love you too….I am just so tired of being nice and loving by this point. Is it possible to be hugged too much?

Besides all this it’s a lovely vacation. Up until today all these incidents made me dizzy with happiness and I am sure they will again tomorrow. I get in these moods sometimes and often just take a good night’s sleep to cure me of my evil.

Maybe it’s because my Mom went on holidays for two weeks today and I won’t be talking to her on the phone every day. I think I am in withdrawal and complete denial.

Also when is the last time I saw another human being alone other than the four I Iive with? Feels like a loooong time ago.

But overall-stay-cations at the cottage rock. They are cheap (minus our massive mortgage!), they are fun and bonding and wonderful. Even if I will throw up if I see another pot-roast, I wouldn’t trade these weeks for anything.

Tomorrow night I may just have to dress up, ditch the kids and ask my husband to take me somewhere nice for dinner. Come home and sleep in an actual bed.

But…..more than likely I will wrap myself in my cozy robe on the dock around 6pm to watch the sunset, watch an episode of Full House with my daughter when the boys go golfing, eat some kind of boeuf bourginone with yellow beans and garlic bread and ice-cream for dessert, cuddle up with the last pages of Shades of Grey, give my kids a million kisses and fall into the tent we have made ourselves with our one frog………and sleep in eachother's arms and wake up the next day and do it all over again.

 Just the way I like itJ

Fluttering Hearts

I love watching my daughter secretly "fall in love". It was one of the main reasons I wanted a daughter-to get to see exactly this.

A major secret crush is brewing around here this weekend . And I agree the object of her affections is just about the most wonderful boy on earth.

Four years her senior, I can only begin to imagine how she feels so important when he pays so much attention to her. Chase’s buddy who is at Trent for three days is so gracious and so inclusive. Offers for her to go on tube with him, remarks on her nail polish, plays with her on the trampoline, claps for her when she does slalom on her skis. Asks her how she slept and blows the fire off her burnt marshmellow…awwwwww so sweet.

And I can see her falling….the little sweet smile on her lips, the way she braids her hair to ensure waves in the morning, the place she makes for him at the table and the way it pleases her to no end when he likes the food we have chosen for meals.

I told her today that this is the quality of boy becoming man that she should base herself on one day for her future husband (in like 100 years!). She should never accept anything less than this quality of human being. She needs to set her standards super high and live into those expectations. This mere fourteen year old can be what she measures men against in the future. She will remember him.

She will remember the way the his face lights up when he talks about hoping to be selected to climb the mountain in Africa, or how as profound his loss has been in the last couple of months that he still has a smile for all of us. She will remember that when he speaks of his Dad it is with honor and love and that he struggles to name him in the past tense. She will remember how even with the worst thing ever happening to this child just two months ago….that he has kept his strength and loveliness about him. She will remember the subtle but still there cloud that has now had to touch his eyes.

This gentle soul with remain with us all for many years to come.

And my daughter is taken with him in the sweetest of ways.

And I sit back and soak it all in remembering how it felt at her age to have my brother’s friends come in and out of our home and glance my way. To have been made to feel important and sometimes even beautiful by the sweet ones who made an effort to pay attention to their buddies's younger sister.To begin to measure future men against not only my brothers but by the boys they exposed me to.

I am glad that for Beauty, the standard has been set high by three simple days.

That she will always from this point forward remember greatness and want it for her one day. And not settle for anything less that what she saw before her this weekend.

And to learn the lesson…from him that is…..that even when you lose something the most precious to you…you can still go on…and still be who you are at the core…with that person smiling down upon you.

Having brought you up so well in everyway that the man you will become stems from the way you were taught as a boy and from the hand that held yours since the very beginning.

True Love

Some friends offer to take your daughter to the park.

Others offer to pick up your son after basketball practice and keep him for dinner.

Some offer to take all three of your kids on the weekend while you enjoy a romantic weekend with your husband.

 Some friends keep your kid for a week at camp while you get a lot of work done.

And those are all really nice, and kind and gentle gestures. I appreciate them to no end.

 But do you know what SHE does???????

She offers to take your son Bear to India on a humanitarian mission.

With her own FIVE kids when he is sixteen. She does that for you because she loves you and she does that for him because she loves her godson Bear to bits. And I think she recognizes a whole lot of goodness in him....

And more than anything..she won’t just say it… she will make it happen. I know she will.

So right now it doesn’t matter if Bear does not even know at this point, or matter if he would be interested or not, or matter that one of the days down there is spent massaging the feet of Indians with leprosy, or that  it is like 120 degrees in the summer, or that it costs so much money, or that you would worry way too much to let him go that far away, or that I am not sure he could even eat banana rice cakes with curry every day.

All that matters right now is how much her kindness, and warmth and love made me feel. It was just so utterly sweet and intoxicating. She is willing to give my child what I feel I cannot…for something that will change his life forever.

She is sharing the very best part of herself and he will get to have her.

It was exactly the kind of love I needed right at this very moment .

My Sister Savvy……….words are not enough for your kind and touching offer. The sweetest act of service I may have ever received.

And I know when she reads this she will think "Of course-it's no big deal I would love to take him with pleasure!!!"......but to me it is the biggest deal ever...just because that is the way it is ...each of our hearts sends and receives different things in different ways and this one is BIG.

With love, Your Lauren Kate

Being the Boss of my Brain

Following her camp experience Beauty wanted (with a bit of encouragement from me!) to write the following blog………in her own words:

My second week passed like this:

Ummm…I didn’t miss my parents the second week because I didn’t think about them that much and what helped me was thinking that I will pass two weeks with them on vacation. I participated a lot to not think about them and enjoy my second week instead of thinking about them and crying all the time.

 My parents gave me a photo of them and letters for every day. (with little gifts in them). And if I was able to control myself and not think about them too much and saying to my brain to stop thinking “I can’t wait until Friday because I am leaving” I would get Fireworks and I got the Fireworks because I was able to do those things….because I am the boss of my brain.

When they picked me up I was so happy to see them. I ran into their arms and gave them a kiss. They gave me a sandwich that I wanted and when I got home my Grandma had left me a gift under my pillow and it was a jumping rope. I felt good and I won’t have to worry anymore about my parents because they are right there.

My Mom was proud of me Saturday when they came to visit me at camp and brought me to the cottage because I said my feelings to them and then they gave me some advice to not worry. I wanted the week to change and so I would not cry I shared my feelings so the week would be better. I feel good to share my feelings because I don’t have to keep them inside of me and feel bad. I tell them to others and I don’t have to keep them.

 And I am going to continue sharing my feelings because sharing my feelings like I did Saturday was good.

My mom said something that was not intended to help me but did that 1 week would go by so quickly that she would not even have had time to mail letters because there no was no time. Canada post would say no. So my Mom knows the week will go fast and she loves me and my Dad too.

So next year in camp I will not worry a lot about my parents and enjoy the two weeks. Because you are only a kid once.

Love  Beauty  xox

Shades of Porn

This will be a short post. It has to come out of my brain.

I am in the middle of the third book of the famous trilogy “Shades of Grey” and I have come to the conclusion that I have a love hate relationship with this series.

Let’s be clear here. This trilogy is not a story-it is porn. And I am not sure if it is hard or soft porn as I don’t know porn very well.

So do I like this porn? I liked the first porn book a lot.

The second scared me a lot.

The third bores me a lot, but it seems too late as now I seem to be addicticted to this porn just like every woman, hairdresser, bus driver, receptionist and female in the world it seems.

Next thing we know nuns at my daughter’s camp will be reading this stuff and try to say that God approves of their “love”.

I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t do drugs (is an Advil a day for curing my headaches from noisy kids a drug problem?)

However  my bad habits seem to include swearing, gambling twice a year for the big bucks and more recently reading porn!!!! Oh ya and I drink milk too with my dessert .

I like the porn part, just as much as anyone but I mean can by the third book can we please have a little bit of a story line going on here????? Or at least a third party involved in these sexual acts? I mean how many pages of the same two people having sadistic sex can we read about????  And they are faithful to each other too-I mean come on..Enough is enough after 2.5 books. Spank her some more, tie her up and blindfold her, and put her to bed with some milk and cookies again and get on with it already!

But….I still go to bed and read it and awake and read it. It peeks my curiosity and I especially love that when Grey is on important business calls he holds his arms of to Anastasia to cuddle in his lap.

Ultimately I love the way he loves her. I love how he adores her. That part is particularly sweet.

And no I am not one of those lucky women who this book has the effect of spicing up my own life. It has not changed me or my marriage into these two characters.

If anything it has made me feel like why can’t I be adored like that? What is so great about Ana and her little boobs anyways? One of my buddies keeps texting me and saying that is crazy and of course it is fiction only and not real life and that there is as much chance of real people having sex that many times a day as being kidnapped.

But I still hold that kidnapping is a very real threat out there in this big bad worldJ

So I still have half a book to finish so my opinions might change between now and then and I still have the movie to see which I am dying to see who they cast in this X-rated porn movie…….but for now :

I just wish we could call a spade a spade. This is erotic porn we are all reading around the world and we all like it very much. Let’s not pretend that Anastasia Steele or Christian Grey have anything remotely exciting about to offer in terms of literature.

And let’s not pretend that keeping this book within the reaches of our kids is not the same as leaving out a page of porn on our computers for them to see.  I personally felt like a I had to admit to my 14 yr old that yes it is porn.

But we love these character anyways. And something about them stirs something about us all in different ways. The writer is brilliant to have written this just as the world seemed to need it. More than anything I wish I was the author who wrote these goldmines.

Gotta get back to my book.

Oh my.

Am I a Sailor?

That’s a very good question…

One that I have been asked a good amount of times over my life.

I should be a sailor with all the sailing I have done. Sailing school at 14yrs old for a summer, dating the national  junior sailing champion for 2 years and sailing pretty much every day with him and his crew for most of those days in those two years hot or cold in Summer, Fall and Spring. Meeting my husband and sailing every trip down south all the turquoise oceans at least twice a day when the winds were good, having access to my brother in law’s sailboat at the old cottage  and now having bought our own catamaran this year for our lake and using it often.

 So one might assume that I know how to sail..very well right?

Well not really. I am what you call a leisure sailor. As in…I lie down with a pillow in the middle of the boat, very low so that when we tack and jibe there is no chance of the boom hitting me across the bed, I close my eyes, slather on the sunscreen and try to tan as much a humanly possible with the chaos that surrounds me each time we set sail.

After all of the years if my husband fell off the boat or something I am not quite sure I could get us home even. My two boys can outsail me at the mere ages of 12 and 14 and could even handle our  2 sail catamaran.  Kind of embarrassing eh?

My husband on the other hand is an incredible sailor with no formal training at all. I love watching him manoeuver these things…it is darn sexy to watch a man so utterly in control and just so darn competent.

Both boys are also extremely skilled with just a couple of summers of sailing lessons behind them. All are naturals when it comes to wind and water.

It must be a girl thing. It started a long time ago.

At camp with my Soul keeper when we were both teenagers we begged our parents to send us to sailing camp for a month. My parents could not afford it but they came up with the amount anyways…and what did I do??? We chased boys all summer, skipped sail camp and played hooky most days and basically sat on a little Opthi in the middle of the lake praying the wind would not pick up. And when it did pick up? We spent a lot of time in the middle of the lake chasing the boat that had tipped over. What a disaster.

What it did teach me however is how much I love boats. And being a sailed.

So now in our family the boys sail us around and my daughter and I both lie in the middle, close our eyes shut tightly, say a prayer and do a whole lot of whining and screaming when the wind picks up. When they trapeze and we get splashed all over the place and have water in our eyes and almost fall off the boat, we open out eyes and scream louder. With each tack, they all move about us, and change the ropes and ask us to please get off of the flippingropes and be more considerate..and so we do until the next tack. It’s a ton of fun though!

And yesterday Chase even fell off the boat it was so rough and I saved him. I pulled him back in, so I was the hero. I was laughing so hard at him, poor guy. Don’t think he thought it was too funny!

So what I love most about sailing and these interactions on the boat is how much it mirrors our lives…I mean that’s just us..all chaotic, and bickering, and laughing and loving. The guys trying to get some serious stuff done and the girls trying their best to relax, until they get fed up of us and drop us off (or make us swim) home to make them lunch. We are good at making corn.

Our ski boat is a lot more predictable and certainly less chaotic, but we live out our loves on both of them rain and shine.” Five at Sea” and now our sailboat” "In the Fall”…..are part of us. Part of our package.Without them both …….we would not be living out our lives the way we have always known them.

So am I a sailor??? The answer is yes I most definitely am.

And just like my real life, my hair blows in the wind while I try to keep balance and figure it all out. I try to relax amongst chaos, and try to turn directions with many obstacles in the way. And just like my real life, I have these great partners and kids around me, each of us doing what we do best and remaining a team and trying to help eachother out here and there while screaming above the wind; yelling often but smiling often too just because it is all so much fun. And precisely where we want to be at that moment.

Yes I am a sailor.